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Old 12-31-2006, 08:27 AM   #1
Lilarcor
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Please explain the plot to rescue Han in Return of the Jedi...

I challenge you to justify the PLAN TO RESCUE HAN!

Let's break this plan down piece by piece.

PLAN A: Lando
Okay so Lando is disguised as a guard and is already in the palace. Cool I guess but how long has the poor bastard been in there? He had to find a costume, fix up his resume, do the training and presumably live in ****ty quarters and eat gruel for every meal. And I'm sure the pay is ****ty too. This must have taken at least a week to get him all inducted and trained up. And what is he there to do? Reconnaissance? Fair enough but how does he report back? We never see that. And even then what does he have to tell them?

Day One: "Yo' guys it's Lando. Yeah Han is here, man. He's all up on the wall"
Day Two: "Yo' guys it's Lando. So Jabba has a lot of guards and stuff here, man, lot of bad ass guys. Oh and Jabba sits on some kind of ... well I guess it's a throne... yeah a throne. And he's fat".
Day Three: "So yeah guys Han's still up on the wall. You guys are coming right? Jesus Jabba is disgusting".

Let's say for argument's sake that Lando IS there to covertly pass back information. Okay, that's fine but how about TELLING LUKE THERE'S A GODDAMN TRAPDOOR IN THE FLOOR????!?!? Because, **** dude, information like that would have been useful.

PLAN B: R2 and C3P0
Wait so there a gift. How does that work? Luke tells Jabba that he wants to bargain. Peaceful option. But the droids aren't offered in exchange for Han. They are a token of his appreciation. They're like the free set of steak knives that you get to keep even if you don't go through with the sale. So regardless of whether Jabba wants to bargain, Luke is out of a set of droids.

Was there a plan to get them back? Or was Luke really that cold hearted that he just was willing to dump them there? I can understand dumping C3P0 but R2 was an important part of Luke's ship.

Okay... we can assume that Luke was planning to rejoin the droids, because Artoo is secretly holding onto Luke's lightsaber. PLAN DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

Let's play it out... one of two things will happen.
1. Jabba will say, "yes. Let's bargain". Peaceful solution, they work out a trade for Han, BUT Luke is out of two droids AND the lightsaber he just built. I guess that was considered a fair enough sacrifice in exchange for his friend. But does he need to offer the droids at all? Can't they just pass on the message?
2. Jabba will say no to the bargain and Luke is out of 2 droids and a lightsaber.
EITHER way.. Luke is a recorded message. How will Luke even know what Jabba decides anyway. "Hey want to bargain?" I do but you're hiding out in the dunes somewhere and haven't even left your cell phone number. Doesn't work. That's why it would make more sense to have the droids return to Luke with Jabba's answer?

And this is a fair enough plan... let's see if Jabba wants to negotiate. SO why not make this Plan A? Why put Lando through all that bull**** first?

PLAN C: Leia and Chewbacca
So Leia finds a way to disguise herself and infiltrate Jabba's Palace as a free-roaming member of his crew. WAIT DIDN'T LANDO ALREADY DO THIS IN PLAN A????????
Except Leia is weighed down by a frigging huge wookiee, who is then imprisoned in the dungeons thereby creating ANOTHER person that will need a stealth rescue. Or did they just plan on leaving Chewie behind? I mean, Leia freed Han and then would have had to drag his conspicuous blind ass all the way down to the dungeons and stealth rescue Chewie with a ****ed up Han in tow. Doesn't make sense. And then all three of them would still have to get past a billion guards and out of the palace. Unlikely.

So why the **** couldn't Lando just go up to the control panel and free Han if this was the ultimate plan? BROTHER WAS ALREADY THERE!! And IT WAS HIS ****ING CARBIN FREEZING CHAMBER IN THE FIRST PLACE SO SURELY HE KNOWS HOW TO OPERATE THE BASTARD BETTER THAN A SPOILT PRINCESS?
Seriously, why was Lando even there if they didn't let him do anything? Incredible.

And what's with Jabba? How did he discover Leia? Did he see through the ruse? And is that really what he and his crew do every night... they just stand in a big group, in complete silence on the odd chance that someone might steal the decoration? That's paranoid dude. Why not just put some of those guards on night watch?

PLAN D: Luke
Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, marches into the palace and tries to make a deal and is prepared to fight to the death if Jabba won't yield.

NOW COME ON GUYS SHOULDN'T THIS BE PLAN A?????????????

Because despite the other three brilliant plans:
- Lando has wasted three weeks of his life
- Han is still imprisoned
- Chewie is now imprisoned.
- Leia. Yep. Imprisoned.
- Artoo is a ****ing bar maid.
- C3PO has been getting the crap beaten out of him.
- Luke's lightsaber is far away in another part of the palace inside the bar maid.

You know what would have been a better way of sneaking in the lightsaber? HOOKING IT ON YOUR GODDAMN BELT! Nobody was able to stop him from coming in. I mean really.

So how did they ultimately rescue Han? By whipping out a lightsaber and ****ing killing everybody. So why not:

Get Luke, Leia, Lando, Chewie all armed up and march them down to the palace TOGETHER, offer the bargain, and then ****ing whip out the lightsaber and kill everyone.

If I was Lando I would be the bitterest man alive.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW THIS POSSIBLY WORKS??
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