The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA

Thank you for the review Mach. I wasn't really sure about this one, just because I didn't think it had a really good flowing feeling to it. It's unusual, in my opinion, but even when I try to go back and edit it, there's not really much I can see. [I'm probably just not looking hard enough though..]

It happens. I had JM12 telling me one section needed editing and I read it seven or eight times before I found it.

[The_Catto]

Yeah, it can get annoying. I read through it about three times, then get agitated, and that in turn increases the frustration levels, and I end up sighing and closing it down. Then I down a couple of Red Bull and try again xD

[The Doctor]

Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by The Doctor

Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread.

As I said when I started giving Reprise Picks, I started doing Picks of the week, but there were so many that deserved them that had been reviewed before. So when someone slips one through (Yes, kiddies, I am not omniscient) I give them as deserved.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The (Droid) Mouse and His Child
Tysyacha

KOTOR Between Dantooine and Kashyyk: The smallest thing can make the difference.

The story flows smoothly, the basic premise interesting. Making the droids key wind linked it to the original in an amusing way. A bit short, but what else can I say?

Legends
Lord Foley

Eight years after the Star Forge: Nature abhors a vacuum…

The piece explores the inner workings of the Republic a little deeper than normal, and this interested me. I wish I had the time to follow it all the way to the end.

Pick of the Week.

Gods and Mortals
Divide&Conquer

Some minor misspelling. Rashions should have been spelled rations regardless of the pronunciation. Imp[roper word usage (through the air, not threw). Remember conversation breaks. Some terminology mixed. An out cast is ‘cast out’.

The basics are good if generic. Keep writing, I want to see more.

Oslozhneniya (Complications)--Starring Rev7!
Tysyacha

Continuation of Vremya series: The mismatched band of adventurers travel to Lehon in search of Revan.

An interesting story up to date. The only problem I have is that would I be asking you for words in Russian if I knew Russian Grammar? (My answer would be that you have used the Welsh grammar everyone hears when they hear Yoda talking. IE it probably reads ‘standing between the third and second house I am‘.)


The Mandalorian Legacy
HK42

Post TSL: The Mandalorians again prepare for war.

Editing problems, but they appear to be caused by using and trusting a spell checker. The wrong word but properly spelled, that kind of thing. Remember to reread when you edit.
The writer John Sanford in his latest paperback Invisible Prey commented on it because three different reporters tried to use the word imminent and had three different words, only one meaning ‘soon to happen’.

While interesting, I was curious why the Mandalorians thought they could win this time. Perhaps they are correct, but I don’t think so.

The Chronicles Of Darth Revan Part 1 The Past Of Revan.
Revan 411

Problems with editing and word usage. Remember conversation breaks.

The story rambles, and events happen too quickly. There is little or no description. You are using numbers larger than would be logical. Having billions both of Lehon and Tatooine makes the desert world far too crowded, and the Sith military too large. Remember that the entire US Military at the end of WWII was less than 7 million men all combined. If they stood in wide order (Such as during an inspection) they would have needed the entire state of Rhode Island to have them all in one formation.

Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two.

kotorfanmedia

Only Fools Fall In Love
Charamei

TSL At Malachor V with flashbacks: Lost love and pain, something the character knows well.

The story is an interesting view of two of the ‘bad’ guys making them more human. The underlying love story is also poignant.

Pick of the Week.

The Light is Only the Beginning: Chapter 1: The Past Becomes Present
Ravenrand16

15 years after TSL: Atton and Mira discover information about Revan.

The story flowed well, the situation generic but still good. The only complaint I have depends on who Raven is; Not enough time has passed for what I think.

Pick of the Week.

Training
WinterOnasi

TSL Enroute to Onderon: Taking some time out for training, and a bit of gentle tweaking.

Having Bao Dur and the Exile as a love interest happens rarely, but is refreshing when it happens. The subtle going behind each other’s back in regard to the droids was well done and cute. Well worth the read, but Winter always is.

Pick of the Week.

Some Demons Never Rest
Darby Ogill

TSL Enroute to Telos for the second time: An evening of terror for the crew of the Ebon Hawk.

A very well done series of nightmares that focused on the worse parts of their own lives. Each vignette is well done, the basis of each dream well thought out. All about the one demon we can never escape.


Pick of the Week.

The Shadow Jedi : Chapter 1
PirateRose

TSL on Dxun: Will Atton return to his past?

Some word usage problems such as formable instead of formidable. Sense instead of sensed. This is an editing problem, just remember to reread your work. You also keep calling Kreia Keira.

As another said the writing and basic theme is generic, but there is some excellent ideas here. Keep it up.

Snow
Knight Savtrian

Long before KOTOR: A young Jedi Apprentice feels alone, and gets help from one of the masters.

The piece is a good ‘slice of life’ vignette. We always see the finished products, the Jedi Padawan Knight or Master. We rarely get the chance to see the youngling who has yet to become that future.

Pick of the week.

[Revan 411]

Crap i didn't know that looks like i need to fix that up.

[Astor]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two.

Inspired by this, i've put together a collection of links relating to the various military bodies in the Star Wars universe, with the hopes that it will be useful to people featuring the various organisations there in depth:

Star Wars Military Organisations

Hope it helps!

[machievelli]

Revan411, my primary goal as the local critic is to make the writing better not only by example, but constructive criticism. I hate the 'rah rah' sort of comments, and both Darth333 (Who hired me as it were) told me to 'fix without damaging the ego. I posted those articles primarily because you can't write well about something you don't understand.

Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know.

[Astor]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know.

No problem, mach.

[machievelli]

For anyone interested, the day this is supposed to be posted is my birthday. I will be 55 when I wake up tomorrow, and I am going to try to have some fun.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Transdimensional War
Arcesious

Sequel to The Great Dark War: A massive invasion rocks the dimension.

The basics are good if a bit hurried in the work. Remember to edit and reread.

Technical: The ship you had in the first work was huge but the enemy ships are beyond any suspension of disbelief. A Parsec is 3.26 light years (About forty trillion kilometers, yet you have ships listed as being mega parsecs in length, (a million parsecs). The command ship you so lovingly describe is a needle in comparison.

The smallest problem with these ships I see is that except for the galactic rim, even the smallest ship wouldn’t even be able to turn, let alone maneuver.

UNTITLED WORK IN PROGRESS
Tysyacha

Non SW Fiction: A girl tells her journal everything…

The piece flows well, the society lovingly detailed. The main character fits well within it.

I agree with Arcesious that a little action wouldn’t hurt, but there is something to be said for a nice quiet stroll.

Pick of the week.

Letter to a .... Friend?
Mr. BFA

After KOTOR on Korriban: A final letter.

The piece is short, so short in fact that I felt it wasn’t proper to judge it by itself, so…
What NOT to say or think.
And…
Here we go...

At first it was a bit confusing, but once I read the second part then third part I found myself giggling. The ‘unexpected’ comment reminded me of Lionell Fenn who had a character comment on the name ‘Bambi’ to a female character who spends the rest of the book demanding the reason her father gave her a boy’s name.

Pick of the Week

Tython Ties 2: Deathpact
Ztalker

On Nar Shaddaa No specific era though it looks like TSL: A fugitive flees the Sith

The piece is short, but the character is well defined in an almost chiaroscuro manner. Very well done so far.

The Noobaholics
Arcesious

Non-SW Set in Halo online game: A team gets together

The piece is cute, fluffy, the characters ridiculous. I liked it a lot.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

Revan's Thoughts
Jedi Revan87

PreKOTOR Right before the capture of Revan: The Dark Lord ponders on an old flame.

There are problems but the other people who have commented before me have already told you what I would have said. Always remember to reread and edit your work. The work needs editing a polishing more than anything else.

Good work.


Light Side Female Exile

"Forgive Me"
Katara Ironarm

TSL After Victory on Malachor V: What price victory?

The piece is short, poignant, and cuts right to the quick. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

A Box of Lies
Kiraboros

Over at KFM, Our little JM12 is known as Kiraboros. She posted the same story here and like any that didn’t get the nod, she comes up here. My previous review from Lucasforums is below:

TSL: The exile is upset with Atton being himself.

The piece was a bit confusing with it’s flashbacks, but it flowed well, and kept you reading so it works well.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

Impure Pazaak
Jedi Chick

TSL No specific planet given, but after Nar Shaddaa: A friendly card game becomes a comedy of errors.

The piece is light and fun. Some of the scenes were funny for other reasons. Atton’s underwear for example. The ending scene was perfect.

Pick of the Week

Surprises- New Allies, Chapter 1
Jedi Rowan

Back in August of 2007 I read this and forgot to post to the thread. So…

Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity.

Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people.

The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Exile and the Fool
Karapeters

TSL After climactic battle on Malachor V: The Exile finally decides.

The piece was a bit odd at the start, with no specific link as to what was occurring. When Bao Dur arrived however, it clicked into place. The ending scene was excellent, the last line perfect.

Pick of the Week

[Rev7]

Well Happy Birthday mach! I hope that you do have a fun day!

[Totenkopf]

Originally Posted by machievelli

For anyone interested, the day this is supposed to be posted is my birthday. I will be 55 when I wake up tomorrow, and I am going to try to have some fun.

Well, happy birthday *old man*. Have a fun one.

[Sabretooth]

Look, I made a birthday thread just for you.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Sabretooth

Look, I made a birthday thread just for you.

ROTFLMAO.

I did like the sexy stormtrooper, though.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Vybory (Choices)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: 12th chapter of the Vremya series. The situation becomes dire with future menace.

The shift in emphasis is intriguing. The story is flowing well, and by breaking it up like this pretty much guarantees I’ll read it all.

Pick of the week.

Zolushkina Dochka (Cinderella's Daughter)
Tysyacha

Non SW fantasy: Happily ever after is not the end.

The piece was fun, but having Cinderella become the stuck up prig was a bit much. Still it was good.

The Sithidiom
Aristotelesticus

Star Wars Prehistory: In the beginning…

The wording tends to be cumbersome, events happening too rapidly. Remember to reread and edit to polish.

Yuthura Ban Story
Blackie

KOTOR Beginning on Korriban: Yuthura Ban leaves Korriban, dreaming of returning to the order.

A lot of people have already commented and their words echo what I would have said.

So I’ll concentrate on the one thing I always say…

Reread and edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth. And remember those conversation breaks.

A Matter of Death; a Wild West story
Dark Knight of Keno

Non SW Fiction: The stage is set for revenge

The basics are a bit good if bland. You forgot some punctuation, and the work needs polish. My primary disagreements are technical and historical.

First cattle wasn’t a major industry except for south of Missouri, so driving them to be delivered to New Orleans is roundabout. Kansas City (Both in Missouri and Kansas) was the usual ending point for a cattle drive since the transcontinental railroad ran through there. And before that the rail lines east of the Mississippi were already there to be used. I mentioned direction because most cattle was and still is shipped from Texas.

Second, after the War Between the States the South was not disarmed and demilitarized except for cannon. Several hundred thousand rifles issued to Confederate soldiers were still in use for the sole purpose of hunting. When Lee surrendered at Appomattox, Grant required the enemy soldiers to promise to never fight against the Union again, and allowed them their arms because at that time, hunting for the pot was a major part of the diet.

That means knowing where there was a cache of weapons would not be a major treasure.

The Crownless King
Sabretooth

Non SW Fiction: An interesting conversation after the fact as it were…

I am never surprised by Sabretooth’s work. It is proficient, creating the landscape and background with a few brushstrokes and the foreground is clean and crisp against it.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

Misconceptions
Jaina Solo

PreKOTOR: There are more way to break someone’s will.

The one thing I liked about this is the cogent arguments for the dark side compared to the Jedi way. It reminds me of the EU book Dark Rendevous where two different Sith, Dooku and Ventress voice their views and the young woman’s argument was more intelligent and thought out than the older man’s.

Excellent

Pick of the Week

Light Side Female Revan

Everyone is strange...
Darth Mettiz

KOTOR no specific portion except that it is after Kashyyk: The world is different seen through someone else’s eyes.

This was a cute bit of fluff with a lot of gentle poking fun at the world seen through Zaalbar’s eyes. Others have commented and each had decent points.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Female Exile

Fever Dream - Chapter 1
VaguelyFamiliar

PreTSL: The Exile exists rather than living.

The grinding misery of existence portrayed would make you wonder if anything in the characters life went well. I found myself feeling that maybe she needed some kind of slack.


Definition of Love
Darth Jedi Master

PreKOTOR: How they feel needs explanation, and Revan has the answer.

The biggest problems were the author’s notes, which distracted the reader. Try to cut back a bit, k?

The story itself was excellent because you can see the two sides of love in Malak and Mical’s reactions under the same circumstances. Like a lot of people I don’t like the Disciple and even went so far as to get the Handmaiden Mod to avoid adding him to the group. But here I actually felt sorry for him.

Pick of the Week

Accidental Oblivion
Taokan

Posted 7 Sept 2007

After TSL: The patient wait continues...

The style is good, the story well done. My only complaint is that it is too short.

Reprise Pick of the Week

To Hell and Back, I Will Follow You, Prologue
Jetis

PreTSL: Exile begins in the heart unfortunately

Only one other person has commented, and that is sad. The piece really needs only editing and polishing.

[Sabretooth]

Aye, thanks for the review, good critic. Good to know that someone got around to reading that darn tale.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Fall of Midnight
Rueben Shan

Non SW fiction: To hunt of become the hunted?

The basics are good, albeit short. The primary problem I had was why would the son of a family of vampire hunters ignore the fact that he is consorting with the enemy?

As mortal enemies, I could see either group eliminating the other, and using that knowledge to do so should be second nature. Of course human nature might win out.

Vynn Drax: Down Time
Astor Kaine

15 years after the battle of Yavin: Just a look at the life of an intelligence field agent.

The writing is excellent, needing polishing primarily. You did tend to forget conversation breaks but I do it too. That’s why I constantly rail at all you kids to edit.

Pick of the Week.

The Tales of Roma and Delphus

TriggerGod

During Legacy Period: A split personality Jedi… An interesting concept.

The basics are good but you’re forcing the story, making things happen too rapidly. Some things, such as the ‘death’ holocron need a bit of explanation we didn’t get.

The idea of a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ personality doing their own things was a very intriguing way to deal with the conundrum.

Welcome to the forum.

Soldat v Mire? (Soldier of Peace?)
Tysyacha

After TSL: Part 13 of the Vremya series, an interesting turn for a warrior.

The piece is excellent as always, Tsy. I have to disagree with Rev though.

The thing is true warriors abhor useless battles. There is no more pacifistic group than the professional soldier. They want their deaths to matter, and dying in a useless battle is the worst possible death.

Pick of the week.

A Forsaken Path
Mr. BFA

After TSL: The Exile has to go, but not without telling someone why

The piece is good, the comments by others aimed at correcting what I had noticed was wrong with it. Just long enough to satisfy.

Pick of the week

Snapshots Of a Fall
Emalin

During Tsl beginning on Citadel Station: What if the Council was right?

Having never played a dark side character (Except for one where I went through everything except the confrontation with Bastila on the temple by being the nice guy) I hadn’t written the fun stuff, for as Alan Rickman among others has pointed out, the bad guy gets the best lines.

While Atton isn’t sure why he helped, it fits with the explanation the Council gave later, and worked well with the situation.

Pick of the week.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

The Second Best
CaptainCrunch

KOTOR on Tatooine: Sometimes you have to accept second best.

The piece is good primarily because while anyone would admit that Canderous has to have feelings, most of us aren’t willing to address them. It is well written and give everything in a smooth flow.

Pick of the week.

Light Side Female Exile

Aftermath, Chapter 1
Even Gods Dream

TSL on Malachor V: What do you do when the adventure is over?

The piece is short and sweet. The last line was perfect.

Pick of the Week.

Confessions of a Dancing Twi'Lek on Atton "Jaq" Rand
Katsabre

During TSL: An old acquaintance of Atton remembers him with her dreams shattered.
The piece goes through the relationship in a manner that has you feeling sorry for the Dancer. The worst though is her desperate hope that there is meaning to it.

Pick of the week

Darkness of the Heart

MasterJoe

TSL on Korriban: What lies in the Disciple’s heart?

For the first time I liked the Disciple. It isn’t that I like the dark side it’s the
Idea that somewhere inside that smarmy attitude there’s a human being.

The others have given you advice. Mine is to remember to edit.

Pick of the Week

Dxun fever
Nadia

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific time given: Atton’s bed side manner…

The story is touching. The Exile and Atton come across too tentative to try, and having them in bits and pieces of dialogue make each other comfortable was a nice touch. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

A tender moment of trust...
RavenRand16

TSL After Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession.

The author calls it a bit of fluff, and I agree. The praise for the emotional content is excellent as is the content itself.

[The_Catto]

Thank you for the reviews Mach. I had totally forgot about the "Letter to a ... Friend," shorties, so thanks for reviewing them.

[Emalin]

Wha-a-a-at? Mach hasn't played on the Dark Side? You need to! It's wicked fun (well, most of the time - sometimes it made me want to cry) and yields some terrific story fodder. The "snapshot" I wrote actually happens in-game if you kill the apartment owner on Citadel Station while Atton's in your party. I just took that moment and ran with it.

Btw, thanks for the review!

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Emalin

Wha-a-a-at? Mach hasn't played on the Dark Side? You need to! It's wicked fun (well, most of the time - sometimes it made me want to cry) and yields some terrific story fodder. The "snapshot" I wrote actually happens in-game if you kill the apartment owner on Citadel Station while Atton's in your party. I just took that moment and ran with it.

Btw, thanks for the review!

My problem with the dark side is that people determine what is dark and light by their own attitudes, as I do. Others use what they have been taught so you have people who decide that professional soldiers such as mercenaries are automatically evil. Many thanks to this attitude to my namesake. What people forget is that Machiavelli was telling his 'prince' how to control the state by taking all of the reins.

It is a sad fact that people quote him as an authority when the condottierrie had the best record for fighting for not against their paymasters. The historical mercenaries of the 20th century have fought consistently for anti-communist guerillas in countries ill equipped to resist them. One organization in the 90s fought so well that 500 men were able to force a 5,000 (estimated) man guerilla force in Sierra Leone had to request UN assistance. The UN stepped in, ordered the Mercenaries out, and put UN peacekeeping troops in, and the guerillas promptly restarted their offensive and kept 15,000 UN troops occupied until the turn of the millennium.

My version of why Revan went to the dark side only because her desire to protect the Republic required the assistance of the Sith. This fell apart when Malak attacked her, and the Sith slid back to the true darkside.

This I call the 'when needs must' form of sliding, and doesn't make you go from a loyal knight to a murderer of children (Anakin's fall).

What I'd like to do is try to run a game where I come out directly in the middle going neither dark nor light. Any one done that?

Oh, whatever prize time. Does anyone know when the last verified Mercenary revolt (Trying to overthrow the government that hired them) occured?

[Tysyacha]

mach, I must again thank you for the Pick of the Week, as you and Rev7 seem to be the only two who are actually responding to my "Vremya" series!

[Astor]

Thanks for the review, mach! I'll be adding some more parts soon, as i've neglected it for far too long!

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Triumvirate Wars
TheExile

After KOTOR: Snippets of the war against the Sith.

The writing is disjointed, as is the story. Even a battle, while chaotic, has a flow to it. The primary problem is that the ‘battle’ at the base was poorly planned. I liked the two tier plan with the liquid explosives and the droids but the gizka trap made no sense in either timing or execution.

Also, a soldier’s load out going into combat is very scientifically designed to balance weight and necessity. A crew served weapon such as a mortar requires four men, two carrying the dismantled weapon, two carrying only eight rounds of ammo, each carrying 120 rounds of ammo for a rifle, that weapon and food for three days. Fifteen men could carry only three which would not be ‘all’ a large base might have, since the standard battery is 4-6 tubes. It would have made more sense to booby trap and leave them.

But as a first work it isn’t bad. Just remember to edit and polish.

The Quest for Revan
Burnseyy

After TSL: The survivors of Malachor V try to reorganize.

You have some word usage problems but not as much as last time. Resilience (Pliancy) instead of resistance (trying to stop) speeds instead of speed.

The basic story is excellent, the emotional content of part one perfect. This is worth reading.

Pick of the Week

Shrouded in Darkness: Yuthura Ban's Tale
Darth Yuthura

KOTOR on Korriban: Yuthura’s return to the light begins its rocky start.

The writing is excellent, the story compelling. My primary problem with it is I don’t have time to read all of it.

DY had asked two weeks ago for me to read and critique this… But everyone commenting stopped me from getting to it earlier. It was worth the wait, but at the same time frustrating, because it is that good.

Pick of the week.

Mistakes of the Heart
Darth Stephanie

Non SW fic: The ramblings of an old man becomes important to a young reporter.

Remember quotation marks. Nothing was wrong with the work that cannot be cured by simple editing, so remember my mantra reread, edit, rewrite, polish, and repeat until perfect.

The piece had some problems with it. Were the head crabs the enemy, and if so what was the scourge itself? The main character’s skills suggest a weapon like a bomb rather than a biological one, but beyond that I don’t have a clue from this as to what was used to end that war.

KOTOR III: The True Sith
Sarpedon2

Some odd word usage detracting from the flow. ‘cit’ which made no sense, alit instead of alight or ablaze. The basic work is good and needs editing more than anything else.

Technical note: what was the enemy using to conceal their vessels? There has to be something, either a special paint job with senor absorbing material, or a magnetic field of some kind to disrupt them. Remember in TESB when Han pulls the grappling bit on the Star Destroyer? The first thing the commander thinks about is that the ship is too small to carry a cloaking device.

Otkrytiya (Revelations)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Chapter 14 of the Vremya series, The truth of the Operative is revealed.

Another great chapter Tys.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Oi, Offworlder!
Zita

KOTOR on Manaan: An additional member on the party against the Sith Embassy. Alternate Universe.

An interesting take on the scene, and the additional character would make the game from that point on intriguing.

Sparring Match
Captain Crunch

PreKOTOR: There are many ways to spar…

The piece surprised and delighted me. By jerking you from one point to the other as the author did caught me by surprise.

I did not anticipate what was going to occur, and that is most of my delight. I hate being able to figure what that next line is going to be. The ending was so outrageous and fit well. Worth reading.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR : A New Beginning Chapter 1 and 2
VampireOrchid

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: A new view of our favorite character

The piece is nice, the character coming off the page beautifully. There were problems, but nothing that editing couldn’t cure.

A word about the spell checker programs… remember that they assume you know what word you mean and approximately how it is spelled. As an example, John Sanford in Invisible Prey makes a comment where three different reporters were trying to say an arrest was imminent, and only one used the correct word. One used immanent, the other eminent.

Pest Control
Charamei

PreKOTOR: Young Apprentices deal with a problem in their own way

The piece is both sweet and disturbing. I understand the two trying to deal with the problem a little too well, and having them unsure of what the words mean is a bit of fun. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

Blood and Tears
Spud Head

TSL on Malachor V: Atton’s death causes unexpected repercussions.

The piece is dark and foreboding, making you shiver at the sudden change and why. Well worth reading whether light or dark.

Pick of the week

What hurts the most ( Songfic)
Brianna1244

TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, but not before saying what he feels.

I tend to not like song fics, but this is one of the best I’ve seen so far. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Very much appreciated. What was your favorite part?

I am flattered at the wording you used "...because it is that good." If you have any comments about earlier chapters, I'm still open to criticism.

Thanks.

[sarpedon2]

Thank for the comments on my story. Seemed I failed to notice the error in my grammar. I never really thought about the ships having cloaking device's. The description just came to me.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

Very much appreciated. What was your favorite part?

I am flattered at the wording you used "...because it is that good." If you have any comments about earlier chapters, I'm still open to criticism.

Thanks.

I only read the first two sections, yet that was good enough to deserve that accolade. As I also said, I don't have time to read it all going back and forth online. I am trying to write my own (If you noticed I have added to my fallow Birth of the Republic)

If you would send it all to me, I will promise to do so

[Burnseyy]

Cheers for the critique, machievelli.
I'll work on those word issues. I tend to think words should work a certain way, even if they don't lol.

Again, thanks.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Burnseyy

Cheers for the critique, machievelli.
I'll work on those word issues. I tend to think words should work a certain way, even if they don't lol.

Again, thanks.

Go ahead. A comedian of the 50s and 60s made an entire act of using the wrong word at the right time. Jokingly called a master of electrocution.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Death
GodsillY

Non SW Fiction: Desperate times call for desperate men.

I noticed a comment by the author in the forward:

Finally if you want to tell me what you think BE HARSH I can take it.

Gee, thanks, not that I needed it. But most of you have never seen me in full teacher mode have you…

Remember not to combine words not normally combined such as bestfriend. Watch for homonyms (Whether instead of weather their instead of there). The word you needed was prevent(Stop) not protect.

You are using the wrong words sometimes, primarily because I think you’re letting the flow overwhelm you. When you used the word excused, I think you meant ignored.

The piece flows but you’re rushing it a bit. The people whether political military or prison are believable.

Style B-, above errors C+, Content A+

As for content I have only one other thing to say.

Pick of the week

The End of the Saga
Istorian

Post TSL:

Remember conversation breaks. As Bee Hoon said (Are you trying for my job kid?) remember to reread, edit, rewrite and polish always. I do it even on works I haven’t worked on in years. (Both of my KOTOR novels have been reread and edited as recently as three months ago.)

Technical: The biggest problems I had with the work are the ones Bee Hoon commented on. First, why send a Padawan to do a Master’s job? As much as your explanation makes sense of how he hid his ship, it runs right into military logic. Think about this:

Boris Badenov flies his navalized Mig29 onto USS Harry Truman so he can spy on those nasty Americans. They’d search every landing bay at the same time. The boat bay officer (The one in charge of landing and placement Called the Landing Deck Officer aboard the ship above) would have had to record the landing and placement of any aircraft that has landed. The same man would have automatically had to arrange for refuel and resupply for that plane. The only logical way I could see for him to ‘slip’ aboard in a fighter would be if he hacked the computer, convinced it that the craft belonged there, I.E. Squadron assignment, that kind of thing. He’d have to be in disguise as one of their pilots as well.

So if you have a fighter arrive, ground crewmen would be there to check it out, assuring everything is as it should be. When the command comes down to find it, the officer would know when it had landed, and know who to ask as to where it was. In ROTS they did it, but arriving on the deck in the middle of a battle would excuse that.

Other than that, pretty good.

Emperor's Dark Jedi
ExzSoldier

No specific time given, though assumed to be under Palpatine: A young Jedi gets a new assignment.

Try to avoid using classes from the games. You don’t hear them in the movies, and it can confuse a reader. Except for the computer games, I have never played the RPG, and I vented on one writer a year or so ago because the names they assign can be stupid some times. Be clear on the fight scenes as well. You had her swing but then couldn’t seem to make up your mind what kind of strike she used. Read my KOTOR novel posting 42 where I describe the kata used by the Echani. If you have ever seen Conan the Barbarian, you can see the defensive spiral I call the Wheel.

The basics are good and the story seems to flow well so far.

A Dark Path
Mr. BFA

Post TSL: Revenge is a dish best not served.

The only negative I have about this one is the last section when you suddenly said ‘This I know, but this I do not worry for. I worry for’. The usage is cumbersome and slowed what had been a good read up to that point.

Imperial Military Police
ExzSoldier

Imperial Era: A snippet in the life of a Military policeman

The basics are good, and most comments are technical.

First, a military policeman is a rear echelon post. As an example The front line troopers use different rules of engagement. You’re allowed to react before being fired upon for example. Once the enemy is pushed out, then the military police come in and try to maintain order. The only time a military policeman ends up in a pitched battle like you describe is if he runs into guerillas or an enemy raid.

The Huntress
Burnseyy

PreTSL on Nar Shaddaa: There are some jobs that pay so well…

The biggest problem I had with the work was tossing in words that didn’t really fit. ‘assortment’ of credits, a ‘favorable’ drink. This happened more times than I cared to count. Remember to edit the work and make sure the word usage fit’s the situation. Inutile? What did you do, kid, swallow a dictionary?

The descriptions as others mentioned are excellent. The situation (Beyond what I mentioned above) well crafted.

kotorfanmedia

I Never…
Codename SailorV

TSL Enroute to Onderon the second time: Do you really want to win?

The story concept is beautiful, and the game well played. The irritation as each ends up revealing more than they might like, the playful ‘I’m only drinking because I’m thirsty’ comments excellent foils in a game that becomes increasingly more vicious.

Pick of the week.

Remember
Revvie

Post KOTOR: What if you had to live with what you had done?

The piece was cold and dark, and I liked it a lot. The mysterious person who gifted Revan with the memories of what he had done is enigmatic and definitely a keeper.

Pick of the Week

Revan-The Untold Chapters 1
Ika89

During end of TSL on Dantooine: Revan reviews what he has done with his life.

The only negatives I can think of have already been addressed by previous reviewers. The story is well done, the layout of the scene excellent. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Ever The Same
Cyber Cat

A year after TSL: The heroes of both games make their final stand

The piece is excellent, the only problem I had was the line ‘the night passed’ suggesting several hours. Without that one line it would be perfect!

Pick of the Week

Boys Will Be Boys
TWiNklet

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A boy’s night out worth remembering

The basic idea has problems, which I addressed at Lucasforums
The Expert’s forum post 118.

For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old.

You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious.

That said, an excellent story well worth reading.

Pick of the Week

Letting Go
Nivenus

TSL On Dxun During the attack on Freedon Nadd’s tomb: Sometimes the past will keep you down.

The piece is well written, the background on Mira is well done. The story well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

[Burnseyy]

Originally Posted by machievelli

What did you do, kid, swallow a dictionary?

Maybe. >_>

Thanks again for the critique. I'm working on the word issues as we speak, and hopefully my next chapter will be improved.

[The_Catto]

Ah, bugger. I hoped that I had kicked that cumbersome problem! I'll make sure to go back and edit that.

[Bee Hoon]

Nah, I'm too lazy to want to critique everyone ;p And you give good advice, which is why I repeat it!

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knights of the Old Republic III - Threat from the unknown.
Carsew

Post TSL: The battles begin again

You’re using the wrong words sometimes (of instead of off). The basic descriptions are good but there are times when you’re using cumbersome sentences to do so. As an example ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic, black pants, black boots and a cloak with the hood pulled up, going to the ankles.’ would have been better if you had phrased it ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic pants and boots with an ankle length cloak with the hood pulled up.’ These are all editing problems, so remember reread, edit, rewrite, polish.

On a military vessel you don’t lock a door you seal it. In a situation where you have been boarded, you would not need to order a door sealed, you would have done it to every door except for the blast doors.

On the whole what I read was good. Primarily as I said, it’s an edit and polish job.

Welcome to the forum.

Final Fantasy ShinRa's Regime
ExzSoldier

Non SW fiction set in FF7:

You left out the apostrophe in I’m and for got to capitalize it. Question: since most of the F series is based on mythology, shouldn’t it be Midgard?

Your wording in the training phase is cumbersome. Watch the start of SEAL training in G.I. Jane for an example and as much as Starship Troopers kept the recruit crap, most military units drop it after you leave basic.

Most of the work is good, but it needs more description, and editing. You mentioned you have problems with description, here’s my suggestion: look at a room, say a restaurant you’re in. Now get out a notepad, and make notes of the customers, the décor, the table settings. If this is too difficult, pick a person you see and pretend you have to tell the police about them.

Once you’ve got the skill down, tone it down enough that you’re no longer describing a suspect, but now only giving the basics. Writing is more than ideas, it’s work to get the reader to ‘willingly suspend disbelief’ as a famous writer once said.

Put' Otstupnika (The Way of the Renegade)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Section 15 of the Vremya series, as the plot thickens can the team convince Revan to let them accompany him?

The work is up to her usual standards, and the story is going very well. Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

A Daring Duty
Lord of the Fish

Set before Phantom Menace:

Problems with homonyms, here instead of hear, that kind of thing. Remember conversation breaks. Without them you made a page two paragraphs. Also remember characterization. You have a Trandoshan speaking in a hale well met manner which doesn’t fit the racial attitude.

The basics are good, so keep it up, and welcome to the forum.

Mass Effect II: Reckoning
Tysyacha and Corinthian

Non SW fiction:

The work is good, the primary problem I have is slipping into sort of a game description mode. The explanation of ‘blitzing’ for example. Also most prisons do not let you take weapons in. Even locked in cells, prisoners can find a way to get out, and a weapon where they can try to grab it is an invitation to disaster. That is why in prison riots the cons end up with shivs and clubs. The only place this would be normal is a military POW camp, because the guards do not have to have orders to shoot any armed prisoners, though if you look at the guard in footage of Guantanamo, they treat it like a medium to high security prison.

A soldier would also snap to attention, and request permission to show her gymnastic abilities, especially if she’d just had a senior officer snap at her like you describe. Also drawing down on someone as the Asari does is a criminal offense under military law. Oddly the physical attack on her was also an offense. If she’s trained, an order to stand down should have been sufficient. If she had continued to draw, that is when the attack would have been allowed.

The basics of the story are good so far, and the only problem is remembering to understand the military mindset. While castigating the Asari is correct, explaining why to the one who caused that offense is also proper. Also the wiping feet was a bit over the top.

Pick of the Week

The False Peace
High On Pie 14

Five years after TSL:

Misspelling names (Coruscant and Nar Shaddaa). The best way to correct the grammar is to use your spell checker, with the grammar feature activated. It will tag words that are not proper, and will suggest options. But ignore the ‘passive voice commentary, since most word programs are written with office writing in mind.

I liked the small but interesting description of the bar, it gave me an excellent picture having been in a few bars like it. As much as you think Mandy is despicable, I kinda liked her. A pity I won’t have time to read it all the way through.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

Life For Rent
Katara Ironarm

TSL on Telos: A brief introspection and decision.

The piece is interesting because most people don’t realize how free you can be with nothing left to take away. Excellent short.

Pick of the Week

At the End
Spud Head

Post TSL on Malachor V: After a life of pain, sometimes there is only one thing left to do.

I had to wait before writing this review because I wasn’t sure what to say. There are words improperly used, cumbersome sentences, editing problems.

That being said it was a perfect piece with all of the pain there for you to see, the balance between being the bad guy and at the same time regretting it inside an underlay that makes you wish it would never end. Well worth the read.

Pick of the week.

Loose Ends
Dobraye Utra

Post TSL: The crew of the Ebon hawk finds Revan and others on an unamed planet.

The piece is good journeyman work. The banter among the crew played in an interesting manner, the banter between the crew and those who work with Revan in character.

Well done. But really, both Brianna and Mical? Brrr.

Into the Unknown, Chapter One: The Void
Jin Won

After TSL: Setting out only with the droids, the Exile begins her quest for Revan.

The mystery element is well done, the explanation of why she travels in an as yet unnamed ship very well done. It is an intriguing piece well worth a look.


An awakening from darkness part 1 chapter 2
Lisa8507

The Mandalorian wars: The Jedi gather to fight, seen through those we will soon love and hate.

The calm before the storm feeling is well done, looking at those who go, and those that stay is reminiscent of every excellent ‘going off to war scene ever done.

Pick of the Week.

A Night Off
Spud Head

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Playing hookey can lead to other things…

The basic idea is generic for any fan of Atton’s but the method, both making the other jealous then well meaning advice then a rapturous embrace was so well done that it flowed from one to the other without a bobble.


Pick of the Week.

[Ctrl Alt Del]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Question: since most of the F series is based on mythology, shouldn’t it be Midgard?

Actually, the city on FF7 is indeed spelt Midgar, without the "d".

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Ctrl Alt Del

Actually, the city on FF7 is indeed spelt Midgar, without the "d".

Having never played the game,. I stand corrected.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Death Incarnate
RakataDark

Not long after the Battle of Endor: With the Empire collapsing, a secret agent decides to tell his story.

Some problems with the wrong word which would have been caught with a spell checker. The primary thing you need is editing, but who has ever escaped that with me? The basic work and story is good enough that like Mr. BFA I want more. I’ll just be a little more polite about it.

The biggest problem with the work is technical rather than storyline, and it has something to do with human nature. It is also something that bothered me about the remastered issue of ROTJ with everyone celebrating the victory at Endor.

Oppressive regimes do not just collapse into victory because the Boss dies. There is always that bureaucrat following orders given by a man long dead. Historically look at the Empire Of Alexander the great, which only began to collapse when four different claimants to the throne arose three years after Alexander died. The EU has the Empire still a viable threat through 17 books spanning ten years.

Bounty Hunting
Bally3000

Jabba’s Palace before ROTJ: a bounty hunter considers the future.

Remember to edit, you used reviled instead of revealed for example. You have run on sentences and cumbersome wording. As an example, ‘She was a bounty huntress who came to tatooine to bounty hunt at the the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter and got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since.’ which would have read better as ‘She was a bounty hunter who came to tatooine to at the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter. I got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since‘.

You see, bounty hunter is a non gender specific term and the sentence you had written had more than one subject, first Lara then the narrator. You then go on to say ‘you ever fail to impress’ implying she isn’t that good.

Also you tend to forget conversation breaks.

The basics are good but is the Luke our friend Skywalker in an alternate universe? We hear the name and automatically link it to ‘Skywalker, so a last name would be helpful. Last, one bounty hunter threatening Jabba is a fluke, having two in the same day would get someone killed.

Welcome to the forum

Rise of the Dalasians
Arcesious

No specific time given: The first sentient member of a new species looks at the world assuming itself superior to all.

The basics are good, the introspection interesting. The design of your new species is intriguing because it has 16 limbs both internal and external skeletons, and what sounds like a triple nervous system.

Dorozhka Obraztsa (The Way of the Paragon)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Chapter 16 of the Vremya series, A confrontation both within and without.

The story isn’t up to your usual standards because I get the feeling this was a bit rushed. The idea of just fighting Bastila would have sounded better from Rodian, just like the confession idea would have come across better from Tys. The ‘doing evil for a good cause’ stance of Bastila is so well done I am enjoying her fall.

The Willow Tree
Mr. BFA

Non SW Fic: A girl contemplates life with her diary and a willow tree.

A bit too short to set my teeth into, but good work.

My only question is, why is she worrying about how bad the summer will be in January?

Darth Revan, second ascension
JAvatar80

KOTOR On the Rakata home world: Revan contemplates what has happened up to now, and how he’s going to put it right, dark side style.

The piece is dark and foreboding, something I usually don’t like in SW, but well done. As I have commented in previous articles, everyone has a reason for going to the dark side, and without that reason it’s just nonsense. You go through it step by step, and explain those choices.

Welcome to the forum, and oh, by the way JA…

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Awakening
Joysweeper

KOTOR on the Endar Spire: Retelling the legend from another view point.

The piece is well done, the flow superb. While this is the one scene everyone does, it is new and unique here.

What I’m wondering is will these flashbacks to before she was reborn going to continue? It’s an interesting take, having an undercurrent of thoughts that the character does not show. Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

Stuck
Moonmythology

Post TSL: In Search of Revan, the Exile is found by someone else… or did she?

The basic story is good, and making it a fantasy instead of an actual event was a good touch.

May I Tell You I Love You?
RogueLadySabyne

Post TSL: Bound for the Unknown Regions, Atton has to tell her how he feels.

The idea is done but not overdone here. I liked the explanation of how they feel, and how they wish they had told each other how they felt. It’s letting go.

Pick of the Week.

Shadows of the Past
Jedi Chick

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s past come back to haunt him, and threaten his new life.

The story was starting to get generic and boring, then that scene at the end jumped from the shadows and hit you right between the eyes. The back-story told us enough to almost cheer the assailant on, and having Atton kill him was just icing on the cake.

Very good read.

Pick of the Week.

Broken
Lnicol1990

TSL on Korriban: Anything made can be broken. It’s just a matter of knowing how.

The scene struck me because any dungeon of any game can have that one being trapped within unable to escape. Giving him a name we’d recognize was a good touch. Everything flowed from his madness to his death to her regret. So well done I wish I could praise it enough.

Pick of the Week.

Irohanihoheto
Neni

Post TSL: She has to go, and she can only think of one way to say good bye.

The song is excellent, and domo arigato for the translation. After the nonsense songs I learned as a kid as mnemonics, I’m glad other people at least try to teach kids something when they do. Like another above commented I have tried a song fic, but it’s beyond my abilities.

[DeadYorick]

Thank you for the review. I will evaluate the criticisms and use them accordingly.

[Istorian]

Thanks for the review mach, I'll try and fix the chapter with the landing....Happy birthday, too, although it's a bit late!

|I|

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Ace's High
EXzSOldier

Alternate Universe during ANH at the battle of Yavin:

All in all a good beginning. The only complaints I had were technical addressed below.

I tagged this as a AU because the Death Star was alone at Yavin while Executor was flagship at the Battle of Endor, where she was destroyed. If she had been there the Rebels would have run. Besides the anti-fighter weapons of the ship, she herself could have easily have completed the mission of destroying the Rebel base herself. She just would not have been able to devastate the entire planet with one shot.

Technical note: Read Expert Forum Post 25 regarding fighter craft unit size. 70 craft would be a wing, not a squadron. Executor in other words carries 2 fighter wings of 3 squadrons with 216 pilots.

Plus 1000 meters is a kilometer, about .64 miles. While this is a good distance normally, Executor herself is 8 kilometers in length. A ship’s captain would be leery of moving this close to a battle station that large. Besides, a Tie fighter can cover the same distance in less than a second, so a close approach would not be necessary.

Perevospitanie (Re-Education)
Tysyacha

Post TSL part 17 of Vremya series: Bastila begins her takover

An interesting read. I know what you speak of Tys, Rand loathed the ‘man on the white horse’ phenomenon in history, and I for one agreed. A very good section.

Pick of the week.

A Soul Adrift
Endorenna

8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future.

This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line.

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the Week.

Hidden
Camo-Man 07

Post KOTOR: Trapped with alcohol, and angry women outside the door!

You shouldn’t use things specifically linked to Earth, as in Mike’s Hard Lemonade. You also used a homonym that didn’t match.

That being said I broke up laughing when I read the end. I agreed with the other reviewer; what did those colors mean? Second, was it all about the booze?

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the Week

Centrifuge
Sabretooth

Somewhere during the Game era, though it is not clear exactly when: The dissolution of A Jedi is categorized by his journal entries.

An interesting piece, though I had trouble following it. The view of this person’s mind was both intriguing and disturbing. I do wonder as he did if you grow to something else or merely die.

Eagle's First Flight
Writer

No specific section of the Game era: A pair of heroes and their sentient ship depart on their second adventure.
The basic idea, as others said is a bit farfetched. Actually what I accepted was the AI creation, but the rest lagged. If I had done it, I would have had the AI stay quiet until the ship was finished, though have clues (Such as having systems that are out of calibration seem very easy to set, that kind of thing) of it’s existence.

As an example I created a sentient computer in my Sci Fi Novel Odyssey where things didn’t work (They were trying to shut down an out of control reactor but the robot aboard (Which would not have the specs on the system) told them they had to wait until the reactor was back to normal output.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

A Brief Reunion
CaptainCrunch

KOTOR Enroute to Tatooine: Nightmares plague our heroine… but is it nightmare or memory?

The piece was a unique view of the human mind. Wondering why someone would murder a one time friend so casually makes her question not only what Revan had become, but what she will become in the fullness of time.

Pick of the Week.


Dark Origin: Prologue
Tasca Lumina

TSL on Malchor V: As the Exile faces Kreia, the others find their own levels.

You forgot conversation breaks through most of it causing my reading to slow down. No biggie, a mere editing problem.

The piece is good, covering everything from Mira to the Traya Core, and gives us a good insight into all of the characters. I especially loved the fight between Mical and Atton because breaking Atton free of that cycle of hate made perfect sense.

Pick of the week.

Cantina Scoundrel
Exile Faline

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Upset by Atton’s behavior, the Exile forces him to make a move. Now she’s not sure if she regrets that or not.

The scenes are stock but well handled. The end very nice.

Pick of the Week

A Shared Vision, Chapters 1 and 2
Drevan1138

PreKOTOR: Revan discusses who to choose as his new apprentice

The story is good because we now get depth to characters that began two dimensional in KOTOR. To see both Revan and Malak as tireless defenders of the status quo makes me wonder what part of the Mandalorians wars caused their individual falls.

Pick of the week.

Malak's Thoughts
RevanRules

PreKOTOR: In the final battle, Malak remembers before the adventure began.

The story is not only well worth the read, it’s great!

Pick of the Week.

An Exile's Lethargy
Wraithfighter

Post TSL: The Exile tries to leave alone, but an old man shows her the way.

The story started out merely interesting. Being unable to get drunk (And the explanation for that was choice) was bad enough but a dose of Jolee on top of that along with his explanation for how prophesy works made it a riot!

Pick of the Week.

[JediMaster12]

Hi mach nice to see you still reviewing the hell outta me

Thanks for the reprise pick of A Box of Lies. That one while not overly proud of was one of my better ones. Thanks.