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Old 10-01-2008, 07:39 PM   #1
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Postroila Vnov' ("2008's Worst Fic")

(Author's Note: I mistranslated the title! It's "Constructed Again," referring to the second Death Star. I swear, if this isn't the absolute worst fic of 2008 and maybe 2009, then I'm not doing my job right! )

"Like, duude, why the Force do we have to build this thing again?" said the ARC trooper 2000-Z12. Uh, Stormtrooper guy. Whatever. He was just sick of pounding on whatever materials the second Death Star was made out of. Anyhoos, he was talking to this dude colleague guy, another--Stormtrooper?

"Yeah," said the other Stormtrooper guy. "This is like, bantha-dung dumb! I mean, it got blown up, the first one did, and now we gotta build it again?"

R2-D2 said Dwooooooo as he suddenly uh--flipped through the air.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"





The Stormtrooper guy--I forget which one, whatever--decided not to press the point, even though he really shoulda. I mean, if you heard and saw a droid going Dwoooooo right over your heads, wouldn't you speak up? Anyways, the Stormtrooper guy(s) thought that maybe he (they) were hallucinating or something like that, so they both went back to pounding sand--uh, building the Second Death Star. They'd been consecutived to hard labor for disobeying the, you know, with the black robe?

Here he came, all of a sudden, Lord Palpo--Palpitation--Palpate--uh, Sidious!

"How's the construction coming?"

"Uh--can't you see with your own eyes? Duhhh--UHH--GUGGGAGGGHHHH!"

One of the Stormtrooper guys--take your pick--got Force Choked right then. The other one shut up really fast, because he didn't want to get whacked either. He said, "Really good, boss, er, Lord Sidious", and went back to work.

C-3PO suddenly skittered through the air, going "Oh, dear, gracious me!" He was after R2-D2, who had gotten totally sucked into the ventilation vent. No matter--the Stormtrooper dude guy and Sidious didn't see or hear him anyways. That's because they were both really stupid and everything.

Anyway, the reason why our heroic robot--guys--were suddenly aboard the Second Death Star was because the Milenium--er, Millenium--uh, oh, can it, Falcon had crashed right into it. Nobody noticed, however. Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and everybody else suddenly ran into the--room, corridor, space, crumbling ruins, whatevs!

"What are you guys doing?" asked Princess Leia, looking at Lord Sidious.

"OH !@$%!" cried Lord Sidious. "You guys aren't supposed to be here yet! Go back, because you guys aren't supposed to show up until the end of the--oh, stick it, let's just fight now, Luke, even though the Second Death Star is only half-constructed!" The lightsaber fights like, started even though only Luke had one. Vader was--uh--I don't know, wherever he was at the very beginning of Episode VI, so he wasn't there to fight Luke until the middle.

What happened nexst? Postroila vnov', then was spilled the krov'!


Hope you liked this! I think Del Rey Books is going to publish it, like, next year!

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