The Critic's 2 cents

[Endorenna]

Thanks for the welcome and the compliment, mach!

I'll try to figure a way to edit in the correct info about Ryloth. Sorry about that!

[The_Catto]

Thanks for Willow Tree review.
I agree the first part was a bit short, but I intend to make the future additions longer.

I'm in Australia so Summer normally goes from around November/December to around the February mark.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Endorenna

Thanks for the welcome and the compliment, mach!

I'll try to figure a way to edit in the correct info about Ryloth. Sorry about that!

If you check my previous reviews, the things I bang people on are technical (500 man squads? Give me a break!) Canon, logic in their work Or Earth holidays in SW without a logical premise.

Compared to that the slight error you made was minor. I myself in the second of my pre SW novels did the same thing.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Flame of the Guardian
JediMaster12

Spanning millennia: The birth of a sword.

The piece is interesting, and while I agree that the symbolism is jarring, I like the way you carried it all the way through. The comment that it was fashioned for a warrior is redundant, since through time, swords were made for one thing, and even a presentation blade is designed to fight with at need. When given they either are for a warrior to use, or to represent the warrior within the person.

All in all a very good piece of work. Welcome back.

By Fate Alone
Godsilly

Pre PM: A young girl meets a Jedi, and receives an offer.

Everything I can say to correct you on this has already been said. JM12’s comment to spell check with the computer and manually was especially well done, since it will ignore words that are spelled correctly but improperly placed or used. As Sabretooth said, not bad for half an hour.

My main complaint is right out of PM though; when they were complaining about Anakin’s age (9) why would they blithely accept a girl two years older? Especially when Windu was one of the strongest negative votes.

High School Melodrama!!!
Tysyacha

Non-SW fic: What are you willing to betray for acceptance?

Having been one of those kids on the outside in school I remember what the narrator is going through. My problem was I was too stubborn to do what she did so I spent my entire time there as the ‘weirdo’ who read all the time.

Pick of the week.

Second Rogue, Second Hour: An EverQuest Novel (Prologue)
Tysyacha

Non-SW fiction set in EverQuest: Justice must be served…NOT

An interesting look at the legal system of a society. While it sounds good, any harsh justice system would cause such reactions. Very well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Muchenie Revanino (Revan's Anguish)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Part 18 of the Vremya series, trapped with no way out.

The story is becoming more and more interesting. I am anxiously awaiting the next segment.

Pick of the Week

Into the Present
TheDarkApprentice

NonSW fiction: An introduction to two of the characters

There isn’t much to review yet. You do forget to manually edit. As mentioned above a spell checker ignores words spelled correctly (such as medal instead of metal). As I tell everyone, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

Welcome to the forum.

kotorfanmedia

LESSON IN FEAR
Codename SailorV

TSL Aboard The Ebon Hawk: At what point does fear enter your life?

An interesting view, and a god one. Equating fear with holding your breath, and fear with why the Jedi avoid entanglement. Well done, and while short well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

The Love Between a Master and Padawan
RavenRand16

PreTSL to Dantooine: Spanning over a dozen years, we see the link between master and Jedi

The basics are good, the story as you admitted a bit cheesey but I can live with that. You never did explain how Kavar knew the Exile before meeting her, but again, I can live with that.

Lost People
Elena

TSL on Nar Shadaa: Contemplating life without hope.

An interesting piece mainly because of the concentration on the degradation around the characters. This is something usually ignored by the authors in Star Wars, and a refreshing change.

To Face Judgement
RevanRules

PreTSL: Judgment causes more than one parting

The piece is well done, but…

I’m sorry but I had to ask… War VETERINARIAN?

World without Sound
Katara Ironarm

TSL on Telos after Peragus: What is a world without sound?

The piece is a nice bit of fluff. Too short by a long shot, but well done anyway.

Love is Love... Prolog
Darth Zelda

TSL at Malachor V: After the battle, truth is revealed.

The story is good if a bit generic. Well portrayed.

[machievelli]

And my dvd recorder is not working… Anyone interested in making discs of Clone Wars for me?

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Evil Transformation
LordOfTheFish

Before PM: A young Jedi reaches a turning point in her life.

Some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The Jedi had a code, by which she was to always follow’ would have read better as ‘The Jedi had a code she was trained to always follow’. you also had a lot of problems with homonyms (strait as in tight, instead of straight as in direct.). These are editing problems easily corrected.

The basics are good though generic. Keep it up, let’s see where it goes.

Insomnia
Igyman

Star Wars, no specific era given: Hunted by an enigmatic spectre, a man desperately tries to stay awake.

The story has a delicious shivery feel to it, making you wonder what will happen. The end is generic and expected.

Second Rogue, Second Hour: Chapter I
Tysyacha

EverQuest: A self imposed exile finds a new life.

The story is a bit confused, Tsy, primarily because it is being pushed forward rather than led. Not too bad though.

Krein Ul'timatum (Kreia's Ultimatum)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Chapter 19 of Vremya; The spirit a Kreia gives her student one last choice. But can Tys accept it?

The story is flowing well, and the reasoning behind Kreia’s argument impeccable. Well done.

Pick of the Week

V Techenie Vsevo Tol'ko Vos'mi Let (For All of Eight Years Only)
Tysyacha

Post TSL: End of Vremya series, Tys makes her decision.

The end was a little confusing for me, Tys, but it did nicely derail the problem. As for the questions, I’ll just have to wait…

Only two readers? What am I, chopped liver?

Star Wars: Lost Heaven
RakataDark

Approximately a year after TSL: Events on Manaan lead to interesting events on Coruscant.

The story has some interesting points but it does drag a bit.

Technical point: For someone born on a planet, it isn’t something to deal with, it’s natural. Having a Selkath deal with living on a water world is like one of us deciding that we only breath air in this specific mixture because it allows us to fit in.

kotorfanmedia

To Love Again
Neni

Post TSL: Bao Dur fights against his feelings.

The piece went well, the introspection and self denial well portrayed. Haven’t seen your stuff in a while, and yes, it was worth the wait.

Pick of the Week

Turbo-lift Malfunction
ForceHorse44

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Sometimes you need a little help from your friends.

An interesting piece that falls into the cracks, but amusing.

Death of a Jedi
BlackFox

TSL After Nar Shaddaa: What will the Exile do about a man who specialized in killing Jedi?

The piece is good because the subject matter is rarely explored. Anyone who has played the game knows Atton’s past. But how the Exile reacts to it is always a toss up. Does what Atton had done merit death?

Pick of the Week.

The Loss of Atton
ForceHorse44

TSL before Malachor V: Atton reveals how he feels, causing the Exile to react.

The biggest problems I had were questions about why. Why did the Exile marry in the middle of the mission? Why did she pick who she did? Why did she leave that man at the altar?

A Shadow And A Thought - Introitus (Part 1)
Lwilliams2186

Two Years after TSL: A rescue mission brings back both crews together.

The piece has everything you need to start the new adventure; everyone getting together, a desperate mission, people dragged from normal life right down to sobering them up…

Choice!

Pick of the Week

Same song, new verse
ChicksDigPilots

Some editorial complaints; forgetting ‘to’ in one sentence, cumbersome wording in some places. Both are editing problems, nothing major.

Beyond that watching the collapse was very moving.

Pick of the Week


I've Searched the Galaxy for You
Tatooine92

Post TSL: The title says it all…

The work is well done, the hunt well portrayed, even the fear that it would be in vain well done.

Excellent work.

Pick of the Week

[DeadYorick]

Thank you for the review Mach. Yeah I noticed it dragged on a little when I was rereading a few of my chapters.

The water planet thing was a dumb plot twist I planned to introduce later but eventually cut out. So now it looks rather stupid

[Tysyacha]

What are you, chopped liver?

Anything BUT, good sir! Rev7, my other stalwart "Vremya" reader, has already had a pivotal role in the series and will continue to be Revan in KOTOR III: The Galactic Sundering, but so far, you have not...

Thus I award you the "Vremenist's Prize" for taking so much time and effort to review every single darn chapter! It's more than just a "kudos", however, for if you choose to accept it, I need--a character--in my KOTOR III fic:

Would you be willing to create a character profile for the "PC"? This isn't going to be a MMOTOR story, because I honestly think the real-life MMOTOR idea is a dumb one anyway. I would be absolutely honored if I had the task of "fleshing out" a character template that you yourself created.

As for the writing style of "The Galactic Sundering," I intend to write it as an alternating sort of narrative between the 3rd-person-omniscient exploits of the "PC" and his or her crewmembers and the first-person ravings of the false Jedi madwoman, Bastila. What do you say, mach? Will you be my "PC"?

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Tysyacha

Thus I award you the "Vremenist's Prize" for taking so much time and effort to review every single darn chapter! It's more than just a "kudos", however, for if you choose to accept it, I need--a character--in my KOTOR III fic:

Would you be willing to create a character profile for the "PC"? This isn't going to be a MMOTOR story, because I honestly think the real-life MMOTOR idea is a dumb one anyway. I would be absolutely honored if I had the task of "fleshing out" a character template that you yourself created.

As for the writing style of "The Galactic Sundering," I intend to write it as an alternating sort of narrative between the 3rd-person-omniscient exploits of the "PC" and his or her crewmembers and the first-person ravings of the false Jedi madwoman, Bastila. What do you say, mach? Will you be my "PC"?

Is it a follow on to Vremya? What are you looking for in the character beyond MBM (Made By Mach)?

[Tysyacha]

Yes, it is a follow-up to Vremya, and for this character, the "new PC", the only basic thing I want from the character is that s/he is no Uberjedi at the beginning. S/he is a humble neonate, "starting at level 1" in gamespeak, whom nobody thinks has a chance to take down Bastila and her "True Jedi", let alone the True Sith. However, of course, as the character progresses through the new 20-parter, s/he "grows up" and finds that s/he may be the galaxy's last hope. I also want "the PC" to learn the ways of the Force at the rebuilt Enclave on Dantooine so Atton, Visas, et al. can make cameo appearances.

Sound good?

[igyman]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Insomnia
Igyman

Star Wars, no specific era given: Hunted by an enigmatic spectre, a man desperately tries to stay awake.

The story has a delicious shivery feel to it, making you wonder what will happen. The end is generic and expected.

Darn. I thought the ending had a nice twist back when I was writing it, but still I do appreciate an honest opinion. Thanks for the review, mach.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Tysyacha

Yes, it is a follow-up to Vremya, and for this character, the "new PC", the only basic thing I want from the character is that s/he is no Uberjedi at the beginning. S/he is a humble neonate, "starting at level 1" in gamespeak, whom nobody thinks has a chance to take down Bastila and her "True Jedi", let alone the True Sith. However, of course, as the character progresses through the new 20-parter, s/he "grows up" and finds that s/he may be the galaxy's last hope. I also want "the PC" to learn the ways of the Force at the rebuilt Enclave on Dantooine so Atton, Visas, et al. can make cameo appearances.

Sound good?

I had been considering an admixture of Breia Solo and Sienna Dodonna if you catch my drift...

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Conspiracy
Revan411

Non SW: An assassination is only the beginning.

The piece is short and choppy. The dialogue and action feels forced. Problems with punctuation, a lot of unnecessary periods for example. Using the wrong words (Policy officer, weather instead of whether) and forgetting conversation breaks. All of these are editing problems. Slow it down, let it flow.

As for characterization, Jockum is of what division? Homicide? Organized Crime? Anti-terrorist? His place in the scheme of things is too vague. As an example of what I mean look at the movie Predator II. The main character is clearly defined not only by rank but by unit.

Technical notes: While they call it a ‘sniper’ in the game, sniper is a personal noun meaning the person not the weapon. While they do make scopes up to 80x they are not what the professional chooses for an average assassination for the simple reason that the field of view is too small for rapid shots. As an example the modern Russian sniper using a Dragunov SVD has a 10 power scope, and the Marine snipers with a 700 Remington use 20 power scopes balancing field of view with accuracy. At 500 yards a man fills the smaller scope and more than half of his body in the larger. Only the .50 Caliber Barrett rifle would need something as powerful as the 80 power you describe, and it would kill you at just under a mile and a half.

As a prologue it wasn’t bad, though it was too short to get a good feel for what will happen later.

An Order 66 Survivor Story TriggerGod

At the end of ROTS: One Jedi escapes, and begins his flight

Continuity problems most of what I might have thought to write about this was covered exhaustively by Rogue Nine. While it was put a bit harshly, everything Rogue Nine said was accurate. As I have described in other reviews a story is like a river. It flows, and the smoother the flow, the better for the reader. Even when you hit white water or a waterfall, it is only a break from the steady flow, not all of it.

As a first attempt it could have been better, but you did try. Welcome to the Forum.

Fire Against Fire
Darth Betrayal

Alternate Universe 500 years after the failure of the Rebellion: Another rebellion begins.

Most of the editorial comments I would have made have been. HOP JM12 and Inryi have given excellent advice. What they haven’t commented on I will:

Technical: Guerilla warfare is now called Asymmetric Warfare because any such battle whether guerilla or organized unit has the same problem. A small unit will lose to a larger one merely because of numbers in most cases. When they win it is because of three things; superior weapons (The Marianas Turkey Shoot) Superior planning and tactics (Hannibal at Cannae, The Israelis in 1955, 67 and 73, the average ambush in Iraq today) or superior defenses such as fortifications (The Knights of St John at Malta). If you have any two, the numbers needed are even more skewed. Look at Desert Storm where the Allies had superior training, weapons and surprise. One unit, the 2nd Cav (A Cavalry regiment, though numbering as many as the average Brigade) ran into an Iraqi Republican Guard division (2.5 times as many men) and annihilated it for minimal losses. The 24th foot at Rourke’s Drift is an example by using superior weapons and fortifications

As I mentioned in my own TSL novel Return From exile (Post 24) basic infantry tactics presupposes that one man on the defensive (Meaning not standing in the open) is equal to two advancing, and behind good cover is worth six in the open. That is why sieges always take so long; the enemy has cover that an advancing enemy does not and assuming weapons are equal, has a better chance to survive and inflict casualties.

Surprise can help, but that is in the opening stages and as Clausewitz said, is in the mind of the leaders. For a few seconds the surprise will stop effective resistance, and is equal to almost doubling the force using it but again, that six to one still applies.

So you have 450 men behind defenses (At least the way you have described it) against 500 with the element of surprise. If you work it out using infantry rules 450 x6= 2700 men against 500x2=1000.

This is not to say it could not happen. Yet you have that greater force defeated so rapidly that they barely got any message out before all communications is lost. If they could have used jamming, it would have been more logical to do so before a message is sent.


Survival Of the Jedi
Knight 12617

At the end of ROTS: A young Jedi tries to escape when General Order 66 is issued.

Try to avoid local slang. Remember what everyone else has said about polish and editing.

Technical: You had the character commenting that he would claim his ‘batch’ of clones had been flawed. Clones are product, not considered as sentient by their creators, or for that matter the users in most cases, meaning anything specific like that (Not tall enough) would have seen them destroyed. The entire series of Clone War Republic Commando novels written by Karen Traviss were based on a bunch of kids considered suboptimal by the designers saved by pure chance and Mandalorian obstinacy. Their only problem was they were too ‘twitchy’.

Survivour
Knight 12617

SW 12 years after ROTS: A Jedi remembers when it all happened.

A lot of others have commented, and I will let what they say stand because they have been under my pen before so they know what I would say. My suggestion is find synonyms. You used variations of deadly power three times in the same paragraph. By definition, any weapon transmits deadly power whether you’re talking about a sword (All of the body energy transmitted into an area of less than one square inch on a thrust) or an arrow or gun (several hundred foot pounds focused on a space of between .22 inch and .50 for a pistol). If this is something unique, say so.

The basics are good, and survivor’s journals are always good reading.

Oh, BTW, Beta means beta reader; someone to read critique and offer suggestions before posting. I am only one of those who has offered to do this for our contributors.

Postroila Vnov'
Tysyacha

Star Wars Parody set in ROTJ: Why build it again if the first one didn‘t work?

Tys I hate to say it, but my definition of worst is not yours, otherwise you would win hands down. Now if you had said the most ridiculous…

kotorfanmedia

Path of the Exile: Chronicles - Chapter 1
A.R.Minion

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: Visas wants to see so desperately. What would she see if she really looked?

The story is a very well done piece of work. Short and sweet.

Confessions
Rainwood

KOTOR on Kashyyk after the Leviathan: There is a reason for the explosion at it‘s core.

As many already said, the post Leviathan period in the story is great for all of the angst it can cause. This is one of the best because you get to see the author’s Revan fall apart yet can’t explain why she does. The end is what you would expect, but even that was well done.

Pick of the Week

Atton's Shorts 1. The Problem With Kolto
Ryusui

During TSL, no specific period: Will love blossom if one of them is a Jedi?

The story had some cute and intriguing questions. Since the Exile forms bonds so quickly, could it be that she is afraid of love for other reasons? Worth a read.

Pick of the Week

Corruption. Part 1
JediShadow

TSL On Dxun: The crew decides to do what they want, even if it might bother Kreia.

The writing is good, needing only more polish and description to make it work well.

The primary problem I had with the piece is having it feel like a bunch of kids playing hookey with Kreia as the martinet teacher rather than a serious piece. It just rubbed me wrong, sorry.

Get Well Soon: Out the Airlock
Knight Pepper

TSL on Dxun: Not every enemy can be fought

The story is cute because you never notice anyone being cut down by the simplest of causes, disease. The idea that no one could even think of what to say about it was funny, but the allusion to that first bout of nausea was choice.

Pick of the Week

An Exile's Exile
RevanRand16

PreKOTOR during the Mandalorian Wars: The person who would one day be the Exile accepts her first command.

The basics of the story were good, the writing crisp and well done. The addition of a beta-reader is not evident, but subtly shown in the clean style. Having the Exile be a Zabrak was an interesting twist.

[LordOfTheFish]

Before PM: A young Jedi reaches a turning point in her life.

Some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The Jedi had a code, by which she was to always follow’ would have read better as ‘The Jedi had a code she was trained to always follow’. you also had a lot of problems with homonyms (strait as in tight, instead of straight as in direct.). These are editing problems easily corrected.

The basics are good though generic. Keep it up, let’s see where it goes.

Thank you.

[The Betrayer]

Could you please re-review my fic, mach?

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth Betrayal

Could you please re-review my fic, mach?

did you want a retrospective review (I.E., after correction) or just a pm with my new version?

[Rueben Shan]

Ummmm... Will you review my fic, please machievelli?

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Prior to Exile
Darth Yuthura

Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi.

Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war.

You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied.

The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound.

The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it.

Legacy of the Jedi
Rueben Shan

Set 1500 years before ROTS: A young Jedi must return home after a curious summons.

The story is well thought out, and flows well.

Technical: The main problem I had was with one scene. Picture this:

Prince Henry of England has been ordered home from Tokyo by his father. The commanding officer of the yacht in full Royal Navy uniform greets him. When asked about his accent he says he is American, and wore the Royal Navy uniform to make the Prince feel comfortable.

What is wrong with this picture? It would have been better to say she was wearing a pilot’s uniform of Onderoni design, since that is more generic and does not suggest a direct military connection, since after all, you can buy a flight suit anywhere.

But except for that, well done.

Pick of the Week

Umbral Tide: Prologue: The Stake Awaits
Tysyacha

NonSW: An execution is only the beginning.

What can I say?

Pick of the Week

For Gallifrey
Alkonium

NSW: The Doctor gets recalled… but why?

Welcome back Alkonium. The only problem with the piece is it isn’t long enough.

kotorfanmedia

Three Night Stand
CaptainCrunch

KOTOR in Davik’s stronghold: For three days Canderous and Revan have to pretend…

The piece is well done, covering what is probably the most unlikely part of the game, and does it well.

Pick of the Week

True Allies
Darth Casie

TSL at Malachor V: The Exile must fight one more attack from Kreia with a little help from her friends.

The script format did make it difficult to read, but the dialogue and action made up for that. Well done.

The Tomb on Korriban
RevanRand16

TSL: A long wait is worth it.

One of the people who commented called this ’how I met your mom’ and I have to agree. The piece did have a few problems already addressed by others, but on the whole it was a bit of light fluff worth looking at.

Strong Bonds
Breena Quee

PostTSL: On Dantooine in the ruins of the Jedi Academy, The future for the order begins.

You had the wrong words sometimes. Continence (Self Restraint) instead of countenance (Facial expression) for example. The things wrong with it are easily corrected by editing and polishing.

That said, the story is a jewel well worth reading. The jump from reminiscence to present were smoothly done, the story compelling. As Evil Monkey said, when is part two coming out?

Pick of the Week

Kotor II[Chapter 1: Revival/Awakening/Freedom]
Danni Mison

TSL On Peragus: A retelling of the first section of the game

A good if generic retelling of the first part of the game. What it is missing is character development and emotional content. Needs polish in that regard.

Ice Roses: Winter
SkyePrism

Post TSL: A survivor joins Revan and later the Exile in their search.

The story is well done, intriguing in it’s portrayal of the main characters from outside. There is no description of Winter, but that did not detract from the rest of it.

Pick of the Week


To The Brink, Chapter 1
DyrraDegan

TSL On Dantooine: The Exile swears vengeance by the bodies of the dead masters…

The scene is compelling, and definitely not just a repeat of the scene from the game. The way it was told was smooth and crisp, and burying them as she did nicely done.

Pick of the week

Motivations: Meveri
Delasaer Chval

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Why did she go back?

The work was well done though it needed polishing. The argument felt a bit contrived, but went well anyway.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Prior to Exile
Darth Yuthura

Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi.

Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war.

You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied.

The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound.

The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it.

You are absolutely right! I never used 'preemptive' when it was EXACTLY what I needed to emphasize.

I was under the impression that the Mandalorians would enslave their victims if they had not fought to the death. Juhani described her homeworld being destroyed and made it seem as though only thousands escaped death. I'm really going off that and the Mongolian Empire's tactics of razing all resistance and oppressing those who surrender without a fight.

Thanks for the quick review. I had rushed this chapter and wanted to know what to correct before I did a revision. I have difficulty with starting a new fiction because I have to grab the reader's attention in the first post, but the flow suffers the more I have to say with fewer words.

Would you recommend that I get the words flowing the most smoothly, or will the chapter suffer by being too long? Any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

I was under the impression that the Mandalorians would enslave their victims if they had not fought to the death. Juhani described her homeworld being destroyed and made it seem as though only thousands escaped death. I'm really going off that and the Mongolian Empire's tactics of razing all resistance and oppressing those who surrender without a fight.

They did depopulate what was once the Persian Empire in the 14th Century and did the same a century earlier in Poland, but even the Mongols didn't slaughter everyone. Their usual routine was to destroy the city walls, and set up local satraps to collect taxes.

After all; no matter how many resources you have, you need the workers to supply what the military needs.

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

Would you recommend that I get the words flowing the most smoothly, or will the chapter suffer by being too long? Any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Try editing first to maintain the flow. making it too long is something they can deal with

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Umbral Tide: Chapter I: Secret Mission, Secret Ally
Tysyacha

Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, Rescue from certain death, or is it?

I find myself hoping Tsyyacha will make a mistake and write something unworthy of attention. Fat chance.

The piece smoothly segues into the ‘impossible mission’. Well done.

Pick of the Week

The Obscure Circumstances Surrounding the Death of Sir Richard Raleigh Wellesley
Sabretooth

Non SW: A messenger delivers his message in a unique way.

Really interesting in it’s scope and style. Others have commented on the work, and mine is about the mental process of the murderer. It seems almost as if he had been programmed to commit the crime.

Pick of the Week

Chronicles of a President
Litofsky

Non SW: Summations, and the verdict.

A well rounded piece with good description and characterization. Well worth the read.

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the week


Forever loved
Mr BFA

Post TSL: The Exile seeks Revan, and despairs

A nicely strange piece kid. Oh and it’s Naiveté.

Pick of the Week

Luke Skywalker: Computer Problem
CommanderQ

No specific period given: Luke is posting on the net for the first time…god help him.

The basic problem is that you didn’t give us much to work with. However I did notice the following; you forgot conversation breaks, there was little or no description (What was he posting for example? Was it to a fiction site, a Rebel secret domain where he could boast about his destruction of the Deathstar? Maybe even a singles site?), the wording sounds a bit cumbersome, so try smoothing it out a bit before posting.

Welcome to the forum, and as the official critic, don’t take Lynk’s words to heart. There’s always one like that.

Mand'alor: Knowledge is Power
CommanderQ

Battle of Malachor V: The Mand’alor contemplates his coming death, and what brought his people to this.

Since they were both reviewed at the same time, I can’t say you weren’t paying attention. The same problems here. Another one I noticed is your Mandalorians are almost cardboard cutouts. Check out the excellent work by Karen Traviss who has spent a lot of time creating a society for the Mando’a. My own work had been influenced by her writing, and the language is well thought out. For example the ship would be named Mand’alor marev

Not too bad, just follow the mantra they have heard so many times; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat. Polish until smooth.

kotorfanmedia

Hero's Last Journey Chapter 1
Jawa13

Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile finds Revan… But it isn’t a fond meeting.

The piece could use some editing, primarily to smooth it out. The action is disjointed. You need to remember to describe more. All in all a good start.

Rest
Kaikuro Note:
The author recently changed names to Zephyris

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao-Dur’s nightmares draws the Exile to heal his pain.

Problems with the wrong words sometimes, you have exhaust instead of exhaustion for example. The only real problem I saw with it was having the same statement repeated three times in back to back sentences, as if the subject was either unwilling or unable to understand without repetition

That being said the angst was well done, the imagery so well done I wish I could do as well.

Pick of the Week

Master and Apprentice
Ryusui

At the beginning of the Jedi Intervention: Kavar tries to convince his apprentice not to go to war

This was like a diamond on display, cut and faceted with care, trimmed down to perfection. I have read the companion piece Defying Gravity and it is a perfect gem to set beside it.

Pick of the Week

The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice
Starr

Post KOTOR: Revan must face her demons alone

The piece was great because there is so much backstory filled in that once the next chapter begins, we have a firm footing to fit the puzzle together. One of the most interesting views not only of Revan’s life, but those around her as well.

Pick of the Week

When they were young: Of Duels and Ambushes
SkyePrism

Post TSL: A glimpse into the past of the main characters of both games

The work is missing conversation breaks which would have made it almost 3 times as long. This is an editing problem, nothing more.

Now, this was great! It was amusing seeing our heroes and villains not as the smooth trained warriors they became but as a bunch of kids making at the one point stupid mistakes. I was reminded of the Three Stooges in the last segment, and if I had the time I’d love to read every morsel of this one.

Pick of the week

More than an Exile, Prologue--Exiled
Kb101

TSL On Coruscant: Retelling of the verdict that created the exile.

A few problems with homonyms (You caught the Their/They’re one, but did you catch the hear instead of here?) but nothing a simple edit will not cure.

A basic run through of the scene, but spiced by making the character more alive with movement, angst, and thought. Very well done.

[Lynk Former]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Welcome to the forum, and as the official critic, don’t take Lynk’s words to heart. There’s always one like that.

You mean there's always one person who's just having a bit of innocent fun with a new guy and letting him know that we're all pretty laid back people around here so he should feel comfortable having fun?

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Lynk Former

You mean there's always one person who's just having a bit of innocent fun with a new guy and letting him know that we're all pretty laid back people around here so he should feel comfortable having fun?

something like that

[Litofsky]

Thanks a lot for the review, mach. When I get my next chapter out, would you mind reviewing that (please)?

[The_Catto]

Cheer's for review. And POTW!
And I knew it was spelled something like that! When I typed it up in Word, it didn't come up with an error so i just left it. Stupid program...pfft!

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Descending into Revan's Shadow (Ending to 'Prior to Exile')
Darth Yuthura

The Mandalorian War to Exile told backwards: The Exile reacts to the council decision.

There’s some missing punctuation. Several times you had the character ask questions, but left out the question marks. I think you’re having the same problem here that I am having with a couple of things right now, you’re letting you words run ahead of you. Slow down just a bit, and remember to edit.

The piece is good because you get a lot more emotion from this than you get from the game. You have everyone getting into it, some surprising you with their vitriol.

Pick of the week

Umbral Tide: Chapter II: The Vagabond's Inn
Tysyacha

Non SW: 3rd segment of Umbral Tide, a stay at an inn adds to the party.

The story is good as are the basics. The only problem is people are joining the party a bit too readily. I make the same kind of mistake some times, so it’s no biggie.

The Exiles final fate
Knight12167

400 years after TSL: The Exile despairs for the Republic

The piece does have a lot of mistakes, but you knew that coming in. It needed editing more than anything, since you used to many homonyms. Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished

Oh and about a month ago, I reviewed Darth Betrayal’s Fire Against Fire . At his request, I am doing a quick review of it again.

The work still needs polishing primarily because you’re accepting criticism in a haphazard manner but there is improvement. The actions of the ‘Rebels’ in the attack cleared a lot of the problems I had mentioned with the military situation because of the sneak attack.

Technical note: As much as others were appalled by the killing of the prisoners, it should be remembered that in guerilla warfare you do not have the capability to keep prisoners, and you must deny the enemy any data you may.

kotorfanmedia

Chapter 1: Destiny's Door
Abbidon

Post TSL: It is time to say goodbye…

The piece caught me unawares, and that is always a good thing to my mind. I hate when I can almost tell you what is going to happen next. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Mandalore: Deja vu All Over Again
TangentialJedi

After Malachor V: Mandalore considers the aftermath from a pragmatic view.

The piece has the dry commentary you might expect from Canderous, detailing the frantic escape from Malachor V. His last question in it’s own way is chilling, but perfectly rational.

Pick of the week

Academy Sickness
Tatooine92

TSL on Telos: The affects of a mind probe.

The writing style is good, the additions to the standard dialogue excellent. The scene with Atton superb. Worth reading.

An Exile's Exile
RavenRand16

Mandalorian wars: A little back story for both the Exile and Bao-Dur.

A rather simple story but the basics are good and the story interesting enough to keep reading. The idea of a Zabrak Exile was interesting.

Star Wars: Reunion, Chapter 1: The Exile
DarthRevan7890

2.5 years after KOTOR: Revan leaves to go in search of the greater threat, and later events lead the Exile into her confrontation which will lead to a reunion.

The story is well done, the situation well defined. Worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

"You'd Better Mean It"
Tatooine92

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Citadel station: Atton teaches Pazaak…

The piece is good because we get a better look at what Atton is really like. The author makes him something more than the scoundrel he is called.

Pick of the Week

Duality, Chapter 1
DyrraDegan

TSL After Malachor V: Resting from the climactic battle, the Exile feels something more than relaxation is in order.

The story is well written, the descriptions excellent. Very good all around work.

Pick of the week

The Perfect Remedy
Knight Pepper

TSL Alternate Universe: Atton goes out of his way to teach…Pazaak?

An interesting story. Since I added Sasha to KOTOR, I understand the fun involved. Worth reading and definitely amusing.

Pick of the Week

General, My General
Firstmatespike

The Mandalorian War: What if the bonds are what caused the Exile’s pain in the force?

The author tackled two different difficult themes. Bao-Dur as the primary male interest, and the comment I made in my blurb above. There is some excess data before they meet, but I would make few suggestions. This is some excellent work.

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

As a critic I've been having a problem with the center because when they dumped the outer rim into the mix I had about a hundred (My estimate) stories that should be reviewed and haven't been. So I'm taking two weeks off to go through the entire CEC from start to finish and post one comment to each thread so I can tell where my reviews left off. Of course if someone wanted to go through them for me I wouldn't complain...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Blood for Freedom
Lord Spitfire

Planet Taris during the Mandalorian wars: Rioting and a quiet killing presage the possibility of invasion.

Some cumbersome sentences, As an example ‘A black cloak was donned over his leather suit, a dark hood casting a shadow over his face’ would have read better as ‘He had donned a black cloak over his leather suit, the hood casting a shadow over his face ‘ Fewer words, clearer picture.

The only problem I saw was word usage (You used donned twice, once correctly, then again in an incorrect manner) but these are editing problems.

Welcome back.

Umbral Tide: Chapter III: Stories and Suspicions
Tysyacha

Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, the companions learn more about each other as they travel on.

The story is flowing nicely, the background good. I agreed with one reviewer who commented that they enjoyed the mage being a jester when young. I agree.

Pick of the week.

Dances with Fear
LordOfTheFish

No specific era: A lone Jedi Padawan struggles to survive.

Not much to go on just yet. You jumped from present to past tense in the first few paragraphs. And used the wrong words (It’s ration and tired instead of tired) sometimes, but that is why I tell people to reread and edit.

Let’s see more.

Rift
Endorenna


No specific time given: The rift begins between the Jedi and what will be called the Sith.

I was stunned, kid. A very interesting take on how the Sith came to be. Creating the code of the Sith there was also an interesting touch.

Pick of the Week

The Training of Jacen Karr – A Pupil of Vrook Lamarr
Marius Fett

Before the Jedi enter the Mandalorian wars: A young Jedi learns at the hands of a hard task master.

My primary problem is word usage. Eminate is spelled emanate. When using measurements, try to stick with one scale so use either metric (Used through most of the books). Also, while meter and metre are both valid spellings, they are not usually considered interchangeable. It would be like calling a lightsaber a lightsabre, also proper, but not consistent together.

The basics and story are very good, and made interesting reading.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Lucky Number Atton - 01 - There was a time
Kneph

No specific time given after KOTOR: An old man in a bar decides to tell his story.

An interesting piece. Not much to go on but worth a look.

Goodbye To You
WarriorDrgnMage

Some wrong words, Counsel (Advise) instead of Council. The major problems both with content and storyline have already been addressed by other reviewers.

No Name Jedi
Moonmythology

During TSL: The Exile remembers when she had to be saved.

The story is a bit disjointed, which is an editing problem nothing more. Part of the problem is while we know we will never learn the name of the Jedi who is the tormentor, I did have problems following the train of thought.

It was interesting work. Keep working.

Five Jedi Secrets
AkroOrka

During TSL: AU version of the events leading up to the Jedi Civil war

While defined as AU, I liked the way it flowed. The idea that the Council made serious mistakes that actually exacerbated the situation is even better. The only one I disagreed with was that battle between the returning Jedi and the Republic, but hey, that’s just me.

Pick of the Week

A series of awkward moments...
Griet Mutnojmet

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: One thing can lead to another even funnier.

I won’t comment on the grammar because so many other have. Having used typewriter, Wordperfect, Works for word, Word in four different incarnations and Open office, the one thing I can tell you is remember to edit by eye always. One way is use the print review in the document program for one, though AthenePrime is correct as well.

That said it was a riot. The idea that Canderous got a girl, just not ‘the’ girl was fun too.

Pick of the Week

The Darkness Within
Jenivus De Clan

During the Jedi Civil War: A young girl goes on a mission that will lead to another’s redemption.

The piece was compelling, giving you a very good look at what Atton was like, and the life of that girl unnamed in the story that died to redeem him. While I can see Czerka being condemned for illegal practices, claiming they ‘fund’ the Sith was a stretch, but a minor complaint.

I can think of only one thing to say to show exactly how good I thought this was;

Pick of the week, and best of the best for this week.

Into The Void
Jenivus De Clan

After Malachor V: The Exile flashes back through her life, and what is to come.

The piece fills in a great deal of that past, and makes me wish I had time to read every chapter. However, reviewing the sites I do does not leave me that time. A pity.

Pick of the week

[Darth_Yuthura]

I would have commented earlier, had I the means to do so.

In regards to "Descending into Revan's Shadow," I was thinking it might be more powerful for me to put the Exile's trial before the fiction "Prior to Exile." These two threads are of the same fiction, but I will have them separated into two sections when they are completed.

I did notice the punctuation and grammar. I often start out with a rough copy, get feedback, and correct the grammar with whatever advice I was given. It was the result of rushing to post the story. Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is?

Thanks.

[Endorenna]

Thanks for the review, mach!

[LordOfTheFish]

Thanks. I'm trying to get more done, but with school and soccer I'm struggling to find the time.

[Bee Hoon]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is?

Whatever posted is the absolute final version and any amendments will result in immediate annihilation of your continent and everyone else on this world will be turned into socks Imho, it's more of wanting to present the best work possible. I find it tiresome to comb through grammar and point out every single mistake, which is why I try to smooth it out myself :P

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is?

Thanks.

No way, kid. Just do it as best you can, then post and duck. That's what I always do.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Originally Posted by machievelli

No way, kid. Just do it as best you can, then post and duck. That's what I always do.

I appreciate the answer, but if I could ask a follow-up question... I rarely leave posts alone once they are up because I prefer to act upon the feedback I receive and adjust more than just grammar if needed. If I intend to do this, then am I wasting time rewriting something before having a logical reason to make changes?

Example: If I think I didn't put enough detail into a character, I would rather get feedback on what's missing than writing something that I'm not satisfied with.

Would you recommend that I not leave myself open to revision or improvement, or is this way off what you meant? Thanks

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

I appreciate the answer, but if I could ask a follow-up question... I rarely leave posts alone once they are up because I prefer to act upon the feedback I receive and adjust more than just grammar if needed. If I intend to do this, then am I wasting time rewriting something before having a logical reason to make changes?

Example: If I think I didn't put enough detail into a character, I would rather get feedback on what's missing than writing something that I'm not satisfied with.

Would you recommend that I not leave myself open to revision or improvement, or is this way off what you meant? Thanks

What you do is important not for those who have already read beyond it, but for those who read afterward and your own pleasure, friend. If you wait for a reason to make changes, you can always think of reasons why you should or should not. When I wrote the Mirror of My Love, I edited it five times in three weeks, even as people read first one then another editing.

What you should not do is edit for no reason.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Starship of Fools
Tysyacha

PreKOTOR: A bunch of teenagers and a hot ship…What do you expect to happen?

I don’t know what I expected when I read the title, which is good because I knew exactly what was going to happen, every silly step of the way. An outrageous story, and worth the votes it got because I would have voted for it.

Pick of the week

A Graceful Exit
Inyri

PreKOTOR: A bounty hunt finds himself hunted.

Remember that a race is a proper noun, so it is supposed to be capitalized.
Just as a personal peeve, could you use word wrap? I had to cut and paste to put this in an easily readable format. A bounty is usually issued rather than instated, though I think the word you use is acceptable.

The basic idea is good, and the idea that someone like Nord didn’t give a damn about the rules refreshing.

A Trooper's Tale
JediAthos

After reformation of Jedi Order: The story of one of the Jedi during the war, and the aftermath of Order 66.

JA, what can I say? Repaying someone for their own actions is excellent.

Pick of the Week

No Rules For Gods
Sabretooth

No specific time given: On Nar Shaddaa a Bounty Hunter learns the rules, and remembers how they applied in his life.

The story is interesting, and the vignettes attached to each rule fun. Keep it up.

In The Head
Bee Hoon

Aboard the Ebon Hawk during TSL: You broke my droid!

I read this and almost giggled. Atton breaking T3 for that? Outrageous!

Pick of the week.

The Black Visor
CommanderQ

Some improper wording, has instead of had, there instead of their. The biggest problem is forgetting conversation breaks and proper paragraphs. Remember that a paragraph is supposed to convey one entire idea.

The basics when properly edited will be good.


kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

Bad Blood
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR at the swoop race on Taris: There are always two sides to every story…

The piece is well written, with an amusing flow and an even more fun twist at the end. Worth the read.

Pick of the Week.
Threads Of Darkness Part 1
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after Kashyyk: The capture of Ebon Hawk by the Leviathan.

The deterioration of the fellowship is clear here, and the canalization of ideals defined by both Bastila and Revan are very well done.

Confessions
Shinee

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s Revelation

The writer is not a native English speaker, and I noticed some minor problems that are unimportant beyond remembering to edit.

The work is excellent because the automatically ‘good’ Jedi thing to do is to forgive him and her rejection of that is very well done.

Once She's Gone (Chapter One)
Revans Pet Duck

Post TSL: Word of the Exile reaches the new Jedi Council.

The story is intriguing primarily because it give us insights into Bao-Dur that are not usually displayed. The constant denial of any caring feeling for her highlights it.

Good Work

Jedi Ex Machina
Jalana

Post TSL: When in doubt, fake it.

The piece was amusing with a scouting mission going wrong and that is just the start. Worth reading just for the last line.

The Final Battle
Griet Mutnojmet

TSL Fighting Sion on Malachor V: What must Sion do for love?

The piece is poignant. As much as other were appalled, I was reminded of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I feel for the one considered repugnant who yearns for the beauty.

Pick of the Week.

[Bee Hoon]

In his defense, it wasn't intentional! Almost giggled? I must do better in the future >:3

Thanks for the review

[CommanderQ]

Thank you for the review, Machievelli. I'll learn from these mistakes.

[Chevron 7 locke]

Can you review my story also?

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Cause for Celebration
Mr. BFA

After the Climactic battle in KOTOR: A drunken Revan did what?

The piece was light and fun, though predictable (Don’t feel too bad, kid; I hate it when professionals do something I know they are going to do) but the last three paragraphs caused me to grin because I didn’t expect lightning to strike twice!

A Galaxy in Time
TriggerGod

Starting in PreKOTOR times: The Star Forge and Revan are thrown into the future.

The piece has problems with pacing primarily. Things happen way too fast from start to finish. Smooth it down, edit and try to make it both longer and smoother in the transitions between scenes.

The basics are good, though I would have to define it as AU. The reasons are given below.

Technical: The biggest problem with time travel stories is if you take some thing major (The Star Forge, USS Nimitz as in the Final Countdown) you can drastically change what will or did happen. As an example, the captain of USS Nimitz in Final Countdown was worried because the ship’s air wing by themselves could have easily destroyed the entire fleet attacking pearl harbor. Not just most of them, all of them. Then they could have done the same for the entire Japanese navy of 1941.

By the same token, take that example in reverse, as they did in ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’. A ship goes forward, and the universe changes, now the galaxy is at war, a war that would not have happened if the other Enterprise had stood and fought. But you will notice the only one who noticed the change was Guinan.

There would have been history that the Sith Empire then collapsed for reasons unknown. Not that it had suddenly returned.

Umbral Tide: Chapter IV: The Root of the Problem
Tysyacha

Non SW Fiction: A possible answer for what is happening.

The piece is good, the animosity between the Elven clans well done and at the same time, the reasoning behind it well challenged. Keep uo the good work.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Legacy: The Haunted House
SkywalkerRules

The piece is relatively well done. My only complaint is it is too much like a typical Halloween house of horrors.

I wrote an article now in the Expert’s forum ( The Expert’s forum post 118 concerning it.

Vengeance
Astor Kaine

Non SW: A young boy trains and dreams.

The basics are good, as is the characterization. My only question is how much training the boy had undertaken, since from the clues I would assume he had never held a sword before.

Girls night out.
Chevron 7 Locke

TSL at Citadel Station: A girl’s night out leads to…

I thought it was interesting from the start. Two people who are sudden death on two feet getting into a drunken bar fight, then escaping it.

The ending made me want to laugh, because I’m picturing two people finding a bunch of kid’s rings (Usually made from plastic mind) waking up with a kid’s ring on, thinking they did get married…

My question is this, did they actually get married or do they only think they got married?

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

The Necessary Evil - Chapter 1
Ana Christina

Beginning of KOTOR: The beginning of the adventure seen from the point of view of the main characters.

Watch out for homonyms (Troupe usually used for actors instead of troops, meaning soldiers)

The backstory sections were excellent as were all but one of the segues, which I addressed below in technical notes.

Technical notes: First, you’ve made the crew of Endar Spire look either green or incredibly stupid allowing an enemy fleet and fighter squadron to lurk up on them. It happens, but after all of the war the Republic had been in unlikely. My suggestion would be something they could have used for cover, a moon or magnetic anomaly that hid them until too late.

Melee is merely a type of battle where the enemy is too close to shoot usually, and includes bayonets, knives, entrenching tools, your hands even rocks. Remember that there is no such thing as a ‘melee’ class. In the Army they call it hand to hand or knife fighting.

All in all the story is well worth the read, and your characterizations made it even better.

Pick of the Week

Arkana's Story
Vinasu

Post TSL: The search for lost Jedi finds something unexpected

Except for the one comment already addressed by someone else I have only one thing to say; remember to edit and polish. There are points where the story could use that.

That being said, the work is outstanding. The back story both of the woman they were looking for and Atton’s past is so well done I can visualize it as if it is happening. Worth reading more than once. I wish I had time to read everything that follows.

Pick of the Week.

Lies
MoonMythology

TSL On Dantooine: An explanation about lies from someone very good at them…

I have to agree, for someone to whom English is a foreign language, it is excellent. The basics are good, the story line well laid out. The discussion about how to lie is so well done I didn’t even notice any deficiency.

Pick of the Week.

The Disciple Part I
CelloTlix

TSL on Dantooine: The Disciple remembers…

The biggest problem you’re having is jumping tenses, past to present and back again. You also have the tendency to forget conversation breaks when the speaker changes. Both are editing problems, easily corrected.

The basics are good and having the Disciple not only as a main character, but also one that we can care about is interesting.

The Sky Was Full Of Stars
Ildera

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile considers her past and her dreams.

The piece did tend to get disjointed, but that was because you had a character who seemed to have no grasp of mathematics yet was trying to keep the game going anyway. The background was good though.

Second Impression
Ildera

TSL On Peragus: An old reunion… even of only one of them remembers

The story is well laid out, the background from Atton’s view even better.

Pick of the Week.

[SkywalkerRules]

I read the article you wrote, machievelli. Thanks for pointing that out. Glad you enjoyed the fic too!

[The_Catto]

I wanted a slightly predictable ending You hear of these kind of stories and they always end the same. But I don't think that I have seen a similar story where, as you said, expected lightning to strike twice!
Cheers for the review Mach. As always