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Old 10-25-2008, 09:30 PM   #1
Lord Spitfire
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Blood for Freedom

I haven't been on this forum in about a year, so when I heard that they were making a new game related to the KotoR series, I was excited and decided to join the forums again. Well, this is a fanfic about a certain character, and it takes place during the beginning of the Mandalorian War (3963 BBY) and how the main character gets caught up the story.

Well, enjoy!

Chapter 1: Zaeq Shaede

Zaeq Shade coughed, leaning back onto his chair as he let out a puff of smoke from his mouth. He twirled his cigarrete in his hands, finally dropping it onto the floor. He wearily scanned the room. It had a dark red tint to it, with different assortments of alien species bustling around the bar. Noise filled the room as the patrons went about their own business, talking amongst themselves.

Shade scratched his stubble, deep in thought as he gazed out onto the bustling streets of lower city Taris. A black cloak was donned over his leather suit, a dark hood casting a shadow over his face. Only shades of his brown skin were visible, and he wore black gloves and boots.

There was a gleam in his silver eyes as he got up and walked towards the bartender, who was in this case a twi'lek, and nonchalantly laid ten credits on the table. He turned and walked out the cantina, his cloak billowing behind him.

There was a strained air around Shade as he walked out the cantina and onto the streets. He attracted a few stares, all of which he ignored, continuing on his path.

He walked slowly and inconspicously, melting into the crowd. Every now and then, his gaze would shift to the rows of apartments on his right. he searched patiently for the right residence.

Zeaq Shade stopped abruptly outside one of the slightly larger apartments, brought up a datapad and prepared to hack into the security system. He fingered the hilt of his vibroknife, which was hidden from view. The tall skyscrapers loomed over the streets, and the polution of industry clogged the air and painted the skies a rusted red. Nobody on the bustling streets noticed that Shade was hacking into a building.

It took only a few seconds to send a spike into the Taris security mainframe and crash it completely. The hacked door slid open and Shade walked in, the door closing behind him.

Shade looked ahead to see that he was in a large, empty room, with a man at a reception in the middle of the room. Shade threw his hod back, revealing wavy black hair and the full view of his piercing silver eyes.

The receptionist looked around nervously as Shade approached him. "Can I help you?" he said with a hint of suspicion.

Shade leaned in closer to the man. "Here's twenty credits. Get out of here as soon as possible. You don't want to be here later; trust me," he whispered as he slipped twenty credits to the man, who took the money and ran outside without a second thought.

Shade gave faint smile and proceeded into the next hallway, where he took an elavator - which once again he easily hacked - to the fifth floor. Soon, he found himself walked through a door onto a large circular room, with a figure in the middle.

The man in front of him threw back his hood, revealing a heavily scarred and mutilated face. HIs skin was papery yellow, and looked as if it was stretched over his skull. He opened his mouth, revealing broken and yellow teeth. Tangled grey hair hung over his eyes as he stared at Shade with his beatle-black irises. "Are you here to kill me?" he said in a soft, calm tone. His voice was rough and broken, yet had a hint of imperative to it. There was a bit of regal, arrogant demeanour to him.

Without thinking twice, Shade twirled his arm, hurling the vibro dagger in a spiral motion as it land in his target's heart.

The man gave a shuddered gasp as he stared at his chest. A look of shock crossed his face. Shade laughed - he was probably expecting for things to slow down and to maybe strike a bargain. The figure crumpled to the floor as Shade swooped down to collect his vibroknife.

Lord Spitfire has requested a fanfic review for this thread.

Let there be rock!

"I hope they realize that music is music, and that music is not a scene, not a style. Music is a beautiful ****ing thing to listen to. It is not a thing to ****ing preach to others about, it's not a ****ing cause. It is what it is—and that's a beautiful artform." - Synyster Gates

Check out my Fanfic:
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: Embers of Destruction
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Old 10-25-2008, 10:41 PM   #2
CommanderQ
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Excellent fic Lord Spitfire. This is a very good start of your story, I hope to see more soon! Keep up the good work!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?
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Old 10-26-2008, 12:47 AM   #3
The_Catto
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Nice to see you've returned
And bringing a good start to a fic with you also! Well done.

The only thing that got me was the amount of credits the guy ran out of the room for.
Only 20 credits? Me, I would've said 50 or no deal, but then I probably would have gotten a vibroknife to the heart as well, but that's just me I'm a greedy fella sometimes

Anyways. Nice work, looking forward to the next chapter!

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Old 10-26-2008, 12:49 AM   #4
Rev7
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Yes, that was a pretty good into to the story. Lookin' forward to the next chapter...!

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Old 10-26-2008, 01:06 AM   #5
Sabretooth
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Excellent work and welcome back, Spitfire!

I like the smoothness of the fic, and the descriptions were outstanding, in my opinion. They were easy to follow and visualise and I think you've done a great job when it comes to a fluid progress.

The storyline I find a little unremarkable, though. A cool guy hacking into a building, getting the receptionist out with a cheesy line and facing what looks like a mottled Sith Lord (good job on that one, btw) is no big deal in Star Wars. I'd like to see more of this.


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Old 10-27-2008, 09:17 AM   #6
Lord Spitfire
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Thanks for all the comments and advice. I'll try to have the next chapter up soon


Let there be rock!

"I hope they realize that music is music, and that music is not a scene, not a style. Music is a beautiful ****ing thing to listen to. It is not a thing to ****ing preach to others about, it's not a ****ing cause. It is what it is—and that's a beautiful artform." - Synyster Gates

Check out my Fanfic:
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: Embers of Destruction
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Old 10-29-2008, 12:12 AM   #7
Lord Spitfire
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Chapter Two: Beginning of the End

Chapter 2: Beginning of the End

The mysterious man in the black cloak stood up, placed credits on the table, and strode out of the cantina, a few eyes following him. For a second, Laivan Travelia thought of following him, but he thought against it.

Laivan had unusually pale skin and angular features. His dishevelled jet-black hair was slightly long, covering most of his ears and hanging over his forehead. He looked very young, as if he was in his early twenties. However, the thing that really stood out about him was his eyes - his irises were golden, with a sinister look about them. The fact that the areas around his eyes were dark highlighted his eyes, giving him a striking appearance. The twi-lek bartender came up to him as he collected the ten credits on the table; "What'll you have?" he asked curtly, rubbing his eyes. Laivan could make out he had a rough night so far.

"Nothing right now," came the reply.

The bartender cocked his 'eyebrow'. "You serious? Our Tarisian Ale here is the best on the planet. And if you're one of those off-worlders who can't handle a good drink, our Juma Juice is fantastic," he said.

Laivan gave a faint smile and shook his head. "No, I'm fine - just waiting for somebody."

The bartender shook his head. He looked even more irritated now. "I'm tired of this crap. If you really aren't looking to get a drink here, then I'd like you to know that our Tarisian Ale is probably the worst on the planet," he said softly, shaking his head, "This cantina is an absolute slum. There're rats everywhere, and of course there's the occasional brawl - with blasters. If only I had enough money to get out of this ****hole." He sighed and moved on the next person.

Laivan tapped the table. He was anxious. This meeting would be the result of years of hard work, of commitment, and of pain. His eyes flickered up to the screen monitor. The Galactic news was on. Suddenly, every eye in the cantina turned to the screen. The bartender turned up the volume.

The news correspondent – a human donned in a black blazer – shuffled the papers in his hand and looked towards the camera. He began to talk. “Good evening to all in the galaxy! I would like to report breaking news – the recent violence and rioting on the city of Taris has led to Saul Karath – the commander of the republic fleet defending the planet – to withdraw almost his entire fleet from the city. The withdrawal is commencing as we speak. There has been word that the Mandalorian fleets are converging onto the Tarisian system and signs suggest that invasion is imminent. However, due to the chaos and anarchy in Taris going on right now, the planetary military has been disbanded, making it an easy target for the Mandalorians, who can exploit its resources.”

There was a shocked silence in the room as the man paused. He then cleared his throat and continued, “The docking bays on Taris have almost completely been destroyed by the rioters, making it nearly impossible for the planet’s inhabitants to evacuate the planet. Due to the animosity between the Tarisians and Republic troops, no evacuation ships have been sent. Whether the Mandalorians will dare attack Republic space is yet to be seen, but if they do attack Taris, than a full scale war is imminent. This is Tavel Pelosi, correspondent for Galactic News, signing off.”

There was a nervous air hanging in the cantina. Thousands of thoughts ran through Laivan’s head. What would happen to him. Would the mysterious man he was about to meet have a ship with him?

BOOM!

A deafening noise rang through the cantina, and before anyone could react, an explosion went off. Laivan was thrown from his seat onto the ground as smoke covered the room. He crawled over to the wall and looked back as a dozen men filed into the room with blasters and vibroblades. They had no organization, and were just a random formation, wreaking havoc.

The Bartenders spiralling head landed next to Laivan, who jerked back in fright. Fear boiled inside him.

Fear. Fear. Fear!

Laivan launched back up and took a blaster out of his belt. He dived into the fray, smashing the butt of his pistol hard into the head of one of the rioters, leaving a dent in his skull as he stumbled to the floor. Twirling around, he fired a rain of fire onto three advancing men as they fell before him.

Fear. He felt it slowly fill in the presence of the person behind him. Without thinking, he shot a blaster behind his back. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his side. Before he could even turn around, a hand grabbed his neck and picked him up.

Laivan started to panic. No, no, no! Keep your head clear, strike fear into your enemy, strike fear! He yelped as the man threw him out the window. There was a sudden rush of adrenaline before he fell down two stories with a thump onto the Tarisian street, the sound of violence ringing in his ears.


Let there be rock!

"I hope they realize that music is music, and that music is not a scene, not a style. Music is a beautiful ****ing thing to listen to. It is not a thing to ****ing preach to others about, it's not a ****ing cause. It is what it is—and that's a beautiful artform." - Synyster Gates

Check out my Fanfic:
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: Embers of Destruction

Last edited by Lord Spitfire; 11-01-2008 at 05:39 AM.
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Old 11-01-2008, 05:32 AM   #8
SynysterGates
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I like this chapter, nice desription on the new character.
I found quite a few grammatical issues, but otherwise pretty good, bring on the next chapter!
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