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Old 12-15-2008, 10:43 PM   #1
The_Catto
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[Shortie] Keep You Away

Not really sure as to what to call this thing. Is it a SongFic? Is it a Fic with just some made-up lyrics posted here and there?
Don't know. You be the judge and help me out with that, yeah?
Anyways ... pretty basic and cliche in a first timer aspect. Haven't really tried to mix lyrics with a story before. Let me know just how basic and amatuerish you think it is!

================================================== ================================================


I’ve always told you,
that you were my best friend,
I would stick by you,
until the very end.

I’ve always said,
That no matter what,
Even when we were dead,
I’d never forget.

James walked slowly out of his house. It was a slow walk because he knew what lay ahead. It had been coming to this point for months now, and now that it had finally arrived, he didn’t know what would happen. And that was a little intimidating.

He walked down the street and around a bend until he reached that shop that he had spent most of his life hanging around with his friends. He was eighteen now. But all that seemed so trivial now. He had to do this, because if he didn’t, his friends might just be lost to him forever.

He didn’t want that.

I remember when we were young,
there was nothing that we could not have done,
it was the life,
and we were only just beginning.


I told the truth when I said,
I’d stick with you to the day,
But right now, this time,
I’m just trying to keep you away.


James came to the street he was looking for. There were already people down the other end. All of a sudden, a new emotion came over him.

Anger.

He did not know why, but suddenly he had had enough. Enough of everything.

Life wasn’t going exactly as he had hoped but now he was going to change that. They had to listen to reason. Nothing else could come from it otherwise.

He started to run…


But now that’s all gone,
Something is wrong,
How can you stop it,
Even when you can’t stop yourself.

It was us and the world,
We wanted it all.
We looked around and smiled,
When we heard the call


“Ben!” James yelled as he tore down the road. He noticed the entire group of heads turn to his way, but none of them moved. He didn’t care if they did or not anyway.

“Ben!” he yelled again.

“What?” came a reply.

James stopped when he reached the group of people. They were Ben’s little brothers, Kyle’s friends: little brother by only a couple of months.

James pushed his way through the group until he came to the center. There was a ring. But by the looks of it, nothing had happened yet.

Good.

He walked up to Ben. “Listen to me, you idiot,” he said. “What do you think you are doing?”

Ben looked at James. “I’m teaching my brother a lesson that he should
have learnt a long time ago,”

James nodded. “Sure, he needs to learn a lesson. But not by you,”

“What’re you saying?” asked Ben. “You want to fight him?”

“No,” said James. “Damn it, Ben, listen to yourself! Look where we are. At what is going on. You’re going to fight your brother and his friends? That’s ridiculous! You know I will stand by you through whatever comes our way, but this is the time where I finally stand in front of you. Nothing will come of this. If you fight Kyle now, the fight will never end. If you want to swing at someone, swing at me but make sure it’s a bloody good one, mate. You know me, I’ll never fight unless I absolutely have to, and if you want to fight, then fight me. But this doesn’t have to end with violence.”

“Why would I take a swing at you?” asked Ben. It was almost a scoff.

“Who made sure that Kyle got away that night? After what he did to Melissa? Who was it?”

“You,” answered Ben.

“I did,” nodded James. “Because I know that at that moment, if you caught up with him, you’d have killed him. I stopped that. Even though he deserved it.”

Nothing can come in our way,
Its always been the motto.
But listen to me today,
And think about tomorrow.

I told the truth when I said,
I’d stick with you to the day,
But right now, this time,
I’m just trying to keep you away.


“And now I’m trying to stop it again,” continued James. “Ben, you don’t want to do this. I know you don’t. He is your brother. And if my saying this doesn’t count for anything, tell me now so I don’t waste my breath.”

Ben stayed silent.

James turned and walked away.

“Thanks, James,” came an unlikely voice.

James turned and looked at Kyle.

“I didn’t do it for you,” said James. “You listen to me, Kyle. You better pull your head in and get your act together because if you don’t, you won’t be able to see the day where your family can forgive you for the things that you have done. I’ll make sure of that. And don’t think that as a threat or a promise because I’m not one for cliché’s.”

Before Kyle could answer, James continued walking. He walked up the street and listened for any indication that a fight had just broke out, or if someone was running up to him, but neither sound came. He kept walking until he got home.


If you listened,
I thank you.
If you didn’t,
I forgive you.

Just don’t try to make me realize,
That what you did was because of the lies,
Because I finally know,
That whatever you do,
I will follow.

The next day James heard a knock at his front door. He opened it up and
stared into his best friends face.

“Ben,”

“James,”

“How are you?”

“Good. You?”

“Yeah, not too bad,”

They both stayed silent for a few minutes.

James decided to break the silence. “How’d everything go, yesterday?”

“Nothing happened,” replied Ben.

“Fair enough,”

“I still don’t forgive him,”

“I expected that. And you shouldn’t. At least, not yet. He should not have hit Melissa. No matter how angry and intoxicated we all were, nothing like that should have happened. When you think about it, we’re all like family.
We should have each other’s backs. Not fighting with each other.”

“Thanks, James,”

“For what?”

Ben looked at James with a serious, one-eyebrow-raised, gaze. “You know what,” he said. “For talking sense to me yesterday. I probably would have regretted doing what I had planned to do.”

“Hey, you know I always have you back and best interests at heart,”

“Thanks, man.”

I told the truth when I said,
I’d stick with you to the day,
But right now, this time,
I’m just trying to keep you away.

“Wanna go for a drive? I have to go pick up Mel from work,” asked Ben.

James thought for a moment, but shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “I think I’m just going to sit at home today. Try and mend some bridges myself. But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ben nodded and walked to the car as James closed the door.



Later that night James was sitting in the lounge-room. He laughed softly as he realized - no matter how much he wanted to be a non-cliché person – friendships tend to be one of the most cliché aspects in which you will ever encounter in a lifetime.



================================================== ==================================================

Yeahp, so I was in a cliche mood. Sue me! Hahaha.
This is very amatureish in my opinion.
It was a mixutre of real life and a dream I had. But still.

'Amateur' is all I get when I read this back to myself.

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Last edited by The_Catto; 12-17-2008 at 09:06 PM.
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:46 PM   #2
Endorenna
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Very nice. It took me a minute to realize it was you, since you have a new avvy.


Chapter 12 of A Soul Adrift is out.

Short stories:
T'katlu: On the planet Felucia, a young apprentice of the Dark Side thinks back to the beginning of her training as she lies in wait for her prey...

All the Time: After four years in the Unknown Regions, the Exile returns to the known galaxy to visit an old enemy.

Broken: A master of the Dark Side finds himself about to lose the one thing he cares about--and he will do anything to stop her from endangering herself.
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:52 PM   #3
The_Catto
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Lol, yeahp. I changed my avvy for the first time since very early last year I think. Or late 2006. One of them anyway,

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Old 12-15-2008, 10:53 PM   #4
Rabish Bini
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As someone who writes songfics, I happen to know that this is pretty much a songfic. Congratulations on you first attempt!!

On with the critiques:
Umm, damnit there's no critiques, perfect again damnit!! Good work!! It's a bit different having a songfic with made up lyrics, but it flowed nicely, and the lyrics were pretty much perfect. Good work... again


Yes
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:56 PM   #5
Chevron 7 locke
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That was so...beautiful
There are no mistakes for me to point out
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Old 12-15-2008, 11:24 PM   #6
The_Catto
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Thanks again peoples.
I thought it was amateur but hey, I'll go with your comments instead

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Old 12-15-2008, 11:35 PM   #7
Rabish Bini
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
Thanks again peoples.
I thought it was amateur but hey, I'll go with your comments instead
You may have thought that, and it may have been your first attempt, but believe me, it was like it was written by a professional, someone who does this for a living. Congrats again.


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Old 12-17-2008, 05:19 AM   #8
The_Catto
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^ Now that's some commenting I can smile about, haha. Cheers, that means a whole lot

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Old 12-17-2008, 12:25 PM   #9
Bee Hoon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
He walked up the street for any indication that a fight had just broke out,
All in all, pretty good! I liked the premise of a friend who is willing to stop you from doing something that you will one day regret. As I've said repeatedly, your poems would make excellent lyrics, so they fit in rather nicely It still could use some polishing, and a little more fleshing out, but as it is, it works anyway!

/rages at the vanishing comment which reappeared. Don't mind me.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 12-17-2008, 04:13 PM   #10
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Great work! Yet another good story from you, BFA.

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Old 12-17-2008, 09:11 PM   #11
The_Catto
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@Bee: Yeah, I seen that sentence before and it was one of the moments where you tilt your head at the screen and just think, "What was that supposed to be?"

Anyways ... it's fixed now

#Lord: Thanks, glad you liked it!

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Old 12-25-2008, 01:10 PM   #12
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