HOW TO SUCKCEED AT CHESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
CHAPTER I: WHAT IS CHESS?
By Tysyacha F. Patzer
Chess is a board game that some Hoity-Toity Tricky Players (HTTPs) like to sucker others into playing to prove how smart they are. It consists of 2 players (the "winner" and the "loser"), and their sides are known as White and Black. No one knows how the terminology of the sides has come to be, but rest assured it has NOTHING to do with the color of the players' pieces.
CHAPTER II: WHAT ARE THE PIECES AND THE BOARD LIKE?
First of all, wanting to know about the pieces is kind of a pointless waste of time. All YOU need to know is how to WIN, not all that technical HTTP stuff. However, if you must know or want to impress your girlfriend/boyfriend/office nemesis, here are the pieces that each chess player gets. There are 16:
8 pawns (also known as "little guys", "dinky pieces", "stupid annoying pawns")
1 king (also known as the "king" or "the one piece you can't lose, EVER")
1 queen (also known as the "queen" or the "piece that goes everywhere")
2 castles (uh, they look like castles. What else would they be called? HTTP's call them "rooks", but come on. Rook? What? They do the "castling" move!!!)
2 horses (again, they look like horses, so their name is self-explanatory. HTTP's refer to them as "knights", but they don't look like knights at all.)
2 notch-heads (uh, HTTP's call them "bishops", but they're notch-heads!)
So, there you have it. 16 pieces. Now let's get out there and WIN, people!!!
Oh, yeah. Useless Fact #1: The chessboard has 64 squares. Don't pay any attention to the little letters and numbers along the sides. This is only a way for Hoity-Toity Tricky Players (HTTP's) to write down their moves so they can brag to other people about what an awesome game they played. When writing down moves, here is something those annoying wastards might write:
This means that their castle--uh, R-ook--moved to the a5 square and then nothing happened. That rook is still sitting there on the a5 square. Pointless!
See? Doing that does nothing to help you win. Just ignore all that trickiness.
CHAPTER III: HOW DO ALL THE PIECES MOVE?
Pawns move straight ahead, one square at a time. Pawns are boring.
Rooks move like that thing on the Nintendo controller: updownleftright.
Bishops move on the diagonal, the ultimate "backdoor boys" of chess.
Queens move anywhere they want. They are like--uh--dominatrices.
The King moves one square at a time in any direction. He's a total wuss.
Knights move--eh, forget knights. Make 'em jump over stuff and land on the square directly across from the piece they just jumped over if you gotta do it.(HTTP's do something else with the knight: they move it in an L shape. Phfft!)
CHAPTER IV: IF THERE'S A WINNER AND A LOSER, HOW DO I WIN?
Winning is the absolute easiest part of chess. The object of the game is to capture (otherwise known as "eat, kill or p4wn") your opponent's king. This is called--uh--"Game Over, Chump." HTTP's call this "checkmate". You want to avoid getting "mated" at all costs (unless your opponent is a hottie). If you want to avoid "checkmate", you have to avoid "check". Pay your bill at restaurants, but don't make it so that your opponent can capture your king on the next move! If you're one move away from your king getting clocked, this is called "check". If you can't get out of check, then YOU are a chump!
CHAPTER V: HOW DO I GET OUT OF "CHECK" IF I'M IN CHECK?
Answer #1: CAPTURE THE STUPID PIECE PUTTING YOU IN CHECK, FOO!!!
Answer #2: Be a wuss and withdraw your king to a square that's safe.
Answer #3: Okay, this might sound like an HTTP move, but it's a really good way to get your bumbling butt out of check. It's a little ditty going like this:
See your king? (doo-doo-doo)
See your rook? (doo-doo-doo)
Is there nothing between them?
Pull the old switcheroo!
Two spaces for the king, (doo-doo-doo)
Rook to the other side, (doo-doo-doo)...
Does this seem like a hassle?
It's a breeze! Do the Castle!
Yes, this move is called "castling". You might want to try this move at chess tournaments, especially when you're in check. Your opponents will cheer!!!
CHAPTER VI: ANY MORE HELPFUL TIPS?
Helpful Tip #1: "En passant" is a French entree. Opponent mentions this? That means he's hungry, or else he wants to show off his French skills. (Those silly HTTP folks actually think this is a chess move! HAHAHAHAHA!)
Helpful Tip #2: Laugh at your opponent if he makes a stupid move.
Helpful Tip #3: If your opponent does the same, that counts as "check."
Helpful Tip #4: When placing your pieces on the board, be sure to place them so that you can checkmate in less than 5 moves. Your opponent will wonder why YOUR side of the board is a jumbled mess, but he doesn't see that HIS side of the board leaves him vulnerable to attack from all the good pieces in the front and the pawns in the back!!! (HTTP's reverse this. Why?!)
Helpful Tip #5: Chess clocks are there to tell you what time it is. Ignore 'em.
If you follow all this advice, you'll be tipping your king over in no time at all!!!
THE END (WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, FOOS!)