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Old 01-22-2010, 08:14 PM   #1
Te Darasuum Mandalor
@Te Darasuum Mandalor
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A Christmas Carol: Star Wars edition

Lando was dead, to begin with. Dead as a starshipís hatch on Raxus Prime. Not only merely dead, but ever so sincerely dead. In life, Lando had been business partners with a well-known mean guy whose last name began with an S.

But he wasnít the mean guy youíre probably thinking of.

Landoís partner was named . . . Anakin Skywalker.

"What?? Youíre making me the Scrooge character??"

Well, yes Anakin. After all, you have a troubled past, just like Scrooge, you lost your wife just like Scrooge, you get bitter with the world just like Scrooge . . .

"Yeah? Well Iíd like to see Scrooge in a podrace or a lightsaber fight. That guy probably couldnít even lift a lightsaber, yet alone fight with one."

Look, we donít have time to argue, okay? Youíre Scrooge, deal with it.

"And what will you do if I donít?"

Iíll tell everyone that you sleep with a toy Ewok.

"Gah! All right, all right, Iím Scrooge! Bah Hamburg."

Itís humbug.

"Whatever. Bah humbug, bah Hamburg, Bah Hobknocker, Its all the same to me!"

Anyway, as I was saying, when Lando was alive, he had been partners with an incredibly greedy, selfish person named Anakin Skywalker. Their business firm, set up on the planet Coruscant, would lend out money to people with incredibly high interest rates. Most of the time people couldnít afford to pay the loans back, in which case Anakin and Lando would take away their houses or something valuable like that. They really werenít very nice at all.

"All right, thatís enough, they get it."

Well excuse me, Anakin, Iím just trying to narrate here.

"So long as weíre talking, I have a question."

All right, but make it quick Ė itís getting awkward for the narrator to be talking to a character.

"Whatís a humbug?"

What do you mean "whatís a humbug"???

"What is a humbug? If Iím going to play this Scrooge guy Iíd like to know what my lines mean."

Uh . . . just a second, let me get a dictionary . . . okay, it says here that a humbug is a fraud, a phony, stuff like that.

"So basically Iím calling Christmas a fraud?"


"All right, you can get back to the story now."

Okay, go back to your money counting desk thingy. Now, as I was saying, Lando had been dead for seven years, but Anakin never bothered to have his name painted out of the sign outside, since he liked to save money whenever he could. So the sign still said "Skywalker and Calrissian," even though Anakin now worked alone. Well, he didnít work completely alone Ė he still had his awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome clerk, Han Solo.

Anakin treated his clerk like dirt. He payed her minimum wage even though he had a wife and a bunch of children to support. He even made her work on Christmas Eve every year. And itís on a Christmas Eve, seven years to the day since Landoís death, when our story begins.

Snow was falling all over Coruscant, which brought bitter cold with it, but most people hardly noticed, for they were getting ready for the biggest day of the year Ė the celebration of Christmas. There was laughter, singing, and a general sense of merriment all throughout the planet.

That is, all throughout the planet except for one place.

In Anakin Skywalkerís office, everything was as dismal as ever. There were no windows, which meant that neither Anakin nor Han could see the merriment outside. Anakin only had enough light on for them to see their work, and no more. Worst of all, Anakin refused to turn on the heat, which meant that the bitter cold from outside seeped into the office.

"Boss," Leia said after she had been working in the freezing temperature for hours, "canít we turn on the heat?"

"No," Anakin said in his gruff, mean voice. "You know the rules Ė we donít waste money."

"Youíll waste plenty of money if we freeze to death while working," Han retorted as he blew on her hands. "This is ridiculous."

Anakin looked up and glared at her with his incredibly mean glare. "Mr. Solo, do I pay you to complain?"

"You hardly pay me at all," Han grumbled, blowing on her hands again. "My parents wanted me to be a Jedi, but noooo, I had to pick this line of work because I didnít want a job where people were always getting on me. The irony!"

If it was possible, Anakin gave him an even meaner glare. Oh boy, was he ever mean. Mean, mean, mean. So mean you wouldnít believe it. He wasnít just the meanest of the mean Ė he was the meanest of the meanest of the meanest of the mean. Youíre a mean one, Mr. Skywalker, you really are a heel . . .

"All right, all right, weíve established that Iím mean, okay?"

Sheesh, Anakin, whoís the narrator here?

"Just Hurry Up! I have to pick up dinner tonite. Padme has a girls nite out thing and Luke and Leia are like pigs when it comes to eating, so I have to hurry up!"

"Fine! Ok! Hvae it your way Ani!"

"Look, can we just get to the part where Nephew Fred comes in? Iím getting bored here, and so is the audience."

Fine, fine. Okay, it was then when they heard a knock on the door. Before Anakin could even get up to answer the door, in burst Anakinís nephew, Luke Skywalker.

"Hey Dad, isnít this neat? Iím your son in real life, but here Iím playing your nephew!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever, Iíve already got my daughter playing my employee."

Guys, donít get out of character here. As I was saying, Nephew Luke was a fun, happy guy who always looked for the best in everyone, even his incredibly mean uncle, so he paid him constant visits at work. Of course, that might have been simply to annoy him.

"Merry Christmas, Uncle Anakin!" Luke exclaimed as he scampered through the office, dripping melted snow on the floor.

"Christmas?" said Anakin. "Bah Hamburger!"

No, no, NO, Anakin! Itís humbug! HUM-BUG!

"Well excuse me! Why donít I just say ĎBah Phonyí Ė itís easier for me to remember."

Are you NUTS?? "Bah Phony" doesnít have a good ring.


SO, "Bah Humbug" happens to be the most IMPORTANT line in the ENTIRE story. If you change it, you ruin everything!

"Uh, hey, can we get back to the story? I think some people might be clicking the Back button."

Okay Luke, youíre right. Well, Luke wasnít phased by his uncleís meanness at all Ė in fact, his smile grew even wider.

"Christmas a hamburger Ė uh, I mean humbug?" he chortled. "Surely you donít mean that!"

"Of course I do," said Anakin. "And youíd think that way too if you had any sense in you. Itís just a stupid time where everyone acts like little children and spends money they donít have on frivolities. If I could work my will, every idiot who went about with ĎMerry Christmasí on his lips would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart."

"Wow," said Luke, "thatís a nasty thing to say to your own nephew."

But Luke still wasnít flustered, even though his uncle was being so mean to him.

"But Iím still not flustered," said Luke, "even though my uncle is being so mean to me." He extended his hand to Anakin. "Come on, dine with us tomorrow."

He might as well have invited Anakin to walk barefoot on some hot coals with him. Actually, Anakin might have preferred the hot coals to dinner with his nephew. "Dine??" Anakin exclaimed. "DINE?? With you and your pretty little wife who brought you no money when she married you?"

"Yes," said Luke. "So are you coming?"

"Just why did you marry her again?" said Anakin.

"Why? Because I fell in love, of course."

Anakin smirked. "Thatís just plain stupid."

"All right, all right. So are you coming or not?"

"Hmm," said Anakin, "how can I put this politely . . . absolutely not, I wouldnít be caught dead having Christmas dinner with you and your wife."

Finally Luke appeared hurt. "Well fine," he said, "youíd probably ruin the party anyway." He turned around and stomped out of the office, but as he opened the door, he let in a pair of droids. One was a tall, golden-plated protocol droid, and the other was a short, blue and white astro droid.

"Skywalker and Calrissianís, I believe?" the protocol droid said in a proper accented voice as he hobbled up to Anakin. "Do I have the pleasure of addressing Master Skywalker or Master Calrissian?"

"Lando Calrissian has been dead for seven years," Anakin said in a disinterested manner. "Who the heck are you?"

"Oh yes," said the protocol droid, "allow me to introduce myself. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2."

The astro droid beeped a friendly hello.

"Uh-huh," said Anakin, "and what the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, thank you so much for asking, Master Sykwalker," said 3PO. "We are collecting donations for the poor and homeless. You see sir, there are many beings out there who donít have the common necessities that you humans require. Since this is such a festive season of the year, it seems appropriate that we should contribute something to those less fortunate, donít you agree?"

R2 beeped in agreement.

"So there arenít any workhouses?" said Anakin. "No prisons?"

"Uh, of course there are, Master Skywalker, but what does that have to do with anything?"

Anakin smirked. "Well, from what you said it sounded like something had shut them down."

"Uh, yes, Master Skywalker," said 3PO, "but anyway, what might we put you down for?"


The R2 unit immediately erupted into a string of angry beeps, probably shouting some very foul words at Anakin in droid language.

"Now now R2," said 3PO, "thereís no need to get upset. This gentleman simply means that he wishes to remain anonymous." He turned to face Anakin. "Isnít that right, sir?"

"No," said Anakin, "what I wish is to be left alone. As you said yourself, there are prisons and workhouses Ė if people are too lazy to get themselves a decent job, they should go there."

"Oh, but Master Skywalker," the protocol droid wailed, "some would rather die!"

"Well if theyíd rather die, theyíd better do it," said Anakin, "and decrease the surplus population!"

Woo boy, was Anakin ever mean.

Mean, mean, mean.

R2 shouted even more foul words at Anakin in his beeping language, and this time 3PO didnít try to stop him. "Oh dear, oh dear," said 3PO, "please, Master Skywalker, I do hope you will reconsider."

"I wonít," said Anakin. "Now would you please go away so I can get back to work."

Han dug his fingers into his forehead and shook his head.

R2 blew a mechanical raspberry at Anakin before rolling towards the door, still beeping out foul-mouthed insults.

"Oh dear oh dear," 3PO said again, hobbling after his counterpart. "Please R2, do come back, Iím certain he will change his mind if we only talk to him a little while longer."

But R2 had already left the room. After 3PO followed him out, Anakin quickly rose and locked the door, ensuring that they couldnít return.

Did I mention that he was mean?

Just as Anakin sat back in his chair, another knock at the door was heard.

"What now!"

Anakin Answered the door to find a large red droid.

"Question: Penny for the poor governor?"

Anakin screamed and then punched the HK unit's head and it came flying off.

"Threat: I will get you....you....meat...metbog!!!! HK-47 signing off!"

The droid began to slow down before blowing up.

"Suprised statement: Hold it, hold it. I shouldn't die."

Fine, I don't want to pick a fight with you! You just leave.

"So you don't want to pick a fight with an assasin droid, but you are pushing me around."

Sorry Anakin. Next Scene!
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