lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Order 66- The Edge
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 09-09-2010, 04:11 PM   #1
Jedi_Man's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: The Death of All Things.
Posts: 521
Current Game: Too many to count
Order 66- The Edge

Kaytar Thul, Aprrentice to Master Nul Plisk, was escorting a family of wookies through the forests of Kashyyk. Normally, this would be the other way around, Kaytar not having any knowledge of the layout of the land. However, with the Clone wars nearing an end, the Federation was giving one lsat, desperate, though good, push to take some territory. Thus, his reason for being on Kashyyk. The droids were on the beach, tearing through clones as fast as they could be transported. The only five they could spare where with him. So, quickly forgoing the entire background of the struggle on Kashyyk, We arrive at Thul's location.
"Gah, nasty little buggers!" said one clone, DM-... something or other. Kaytar made no attempt to remember name of people who he likely wouldn't know for very long.
"Why do we always get the short end of the stick? Huh?! Seriously, guarding duty? Why are we transporting a group of walking carpets to our base?" Said the clone.
"Silence!" Kaytar began, but the clone continued with his rant, having just barely finished his training, not being clone-age older than 24.
"SILENCE!" Kaytar roared, but it waws too late, the Muckracker droid, a miniature tank designed for swampy worlds, had heard them, and was assaulting them now.
The loud mouth clone pulled up his weapon, a grenade launcher, (how in the world a standard set of clones got one of those, Kay would never know) and fired, the shell obscuring the droid for a few seconds. The droid burst through the haze, smashing DM-Something into a tree with a sickening crunch. By now, four seconds into the fight, they had lost their heavy weapons specialist. Kay pulled his lightsaber from his belt, attacking the droid from all angles; until, with the help of the clones, it fell into a melted, cut-up and carbon-scored heap.
"Alright, we've already lost one of our own, let's hurry this up." Kay said. The clones policed the weapons from DM-something and moved on, no time for anything to be said for him. Unknown to the clones, this 'family' did have a purpose. They had told Nul (Kaytars master) that they had some secrets that would be of great help to the tactical leader of the defense of Kashyyk.
Something that would stop this assault dead in it's tracks, saving the Republic days of effort and untold thousands of clones.
Kay checked his comlink. His master, with a check up on the mission.
"Yes master?"
"Kay, lookout, the clones, their not with us, not anymore. A sith lord, he's in control now, leave them, hurry back to-" Nul's transmission cut off abruptly. Kay looked at the clones, who had just brought up their Blaster rifles.
The lead one, in red armor, said "Sorry, sir, just following orders." As he pulled the trigger, the male wookie roared, something beyond anger, into deep hatred and malice. His huge paws slammed into the clone, pushing him into two of the other clones, killing them instantly. The last clone faltered, long enough for Kay to push into into the forest. Whether or not it killed him was irrelevant. He'd be lost long enough for them to make an escape.
Kaytar ran, the wookies trailing him.
I guess, this war is over for us. He thought, before shutting down his brain, which he wouldn't use noramlly until he left Kashyyke, once the Jedi had died.
(First story I've done in a while, so bare with me. Also, I intend on this being a series, so don't expect this to be over.)

Deep thought #1: In the end, everyone dies. No one can outrun time, death itself is always breathing down your neck, just waiting to slip the noose over you. But, in your time of death, what matters is not when or how or even why. What matters is what you do with it. Do you sit down and call it quits, or do you get up, stare your killer and death itself in the face, and laugh copiously, right until the end.
Jedi_Man is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-28-2010, 10:47 AM   #2
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2010, 09:51 PM   #3
Not switching to DTV
Writer's Avatar
Join Date: May 2003
Location: just past the pot o' gold
Posts: 7,439
Current Game: TrackMania Nations
10 year veteran!  Roleplayer  Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Just a couple of things to note:

First, it's always good to do a bit of research. As I say this, the first thing that comes to mind is the clones. The letters before their number (CT (Clone Trooper), RC (Republic Commando), ARC(Advanced Recon Commando), N (Null ARC), etc.) specify what type of training/duty they've had. It's not just something chosen at random. Considering the way you're using them in your story, you're probably with the RC variety, the Republic Commandos. Wookieepedia has this to say about RC's:

A clone commando, or Republic commando, was an elite soldier of the Grand Army of the Republic. Often working in groups of four, clone commandos were assigned to carry out covert operations too delicate for regular clone troopers. Covert infiltration, sabotage, foreign unit training, and assassination were standard tasks for the clone commandos.

That being said, let's move on. What's their mission? I think I got it, but it wasn't very clear so correct me if I'm wrong. Are they escorting this family of Wookiees somewhere so the Wookiees can deliver intel to the Republic's war effort? If that's the case, why not just have the Wookiees tell the clones. They can relay the info much faster via their helmet com links than you'd be able to escort them there.

Overall, the story feels a bit rushed. We barely learn where they are and why they're there, and suddenly a trooper's mouthing off about something he's not happy about (in plain earshot of those he's unhappy about, Wookiees, who could easily tear him limb from limb). Then they're suddenly being attacked. They get through that, losing their heavy weapons expert in the process and suddenly your Jedi's master calls him to warn that a Sith is in control of the troopers now (during which he's presumably mowed down by his own troops, and how would he know there's a Sith in charge? That was very hush-hush, and even the clones didn't know. They just got a message from Palpatine that said "Execute Order 66." which was an order they were trained to accept only from him, the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic).

One final note on the clones: the Kaminoans manipulated their genetic structures to accelerate their aging. Therefore, a clone who looked to be twenty-four is in actuality twelve. Furthermore, he's been handling blasters and other weapons since he was very young, just between one and three years of age (and appearing two to six).

One final note in general, and I think you'll like this one. Having the Wookiees smash up the clones was not only a nice touch; I tend to think it was a vital one. Since Kaytar is still in training, I'd have found it hard to believe he could take down four (or even three) Republic Commandos on his own. Granted, his master has enough confidence in him enough to send him out on his own, so he might not have gone down without a fight. But these troopers have been in training and in combat their entire lives and while Jedi train from very young ages, they do not train for full-on combat, nor have they experienced combat situations as often as clones. Keep in mind, Jedi Masters lost their lives to clones.

Your story has an interesting premise behind it. What happens when an apprentice survives the Purge? You've also come up with a feasible method for his survival: the aid of Wookiees (and it IS a known fact that Wookiees would do that, as they took out some of the clones around Yoda in Ep III), and then essentially closing off his access to the Force (a tactic which I doubt is taught often in the Order, and should very much like to know where he picked up, but a good tactic nonetheless).

This has the potential to be a very good story. Just don't forget to research. Wookieepedia is a life-saver for it

Mom tells me I need brain food... but if writing ain't that, I don't know what is!

My work in progress:
Hidden Histories: The Galaxy Hacker

Have a read, give a review, yah?
Writer is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 10-01-2010, 01:51 PM   #4
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
JediMaster12's Avatar
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,939
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Contest winner - Fan Fiction  Forum Veteran 
Writer gave some good points as to researching the units also check out the Resource Center forum which has threads regarding unit sizes and ranks as well as some other pointers.

On more technical aspects, you should, when you post on this forum, put line spaces between the paragraphs. This helps the reader determine where they are in the story and gives a clearer look at who is talking when it comes to dialogue. Also I noticed mispelled words and wrong word usage such as 'bare' when it should be 'bear'. In most cases I recommend to returning and new writers to use a beta reader; someone who will read your chapter/piece and look for errors or even point out things that are not clear to them. Again I point to the requesting beta reader thread and suggest in this case you request someone who knows enough about military organization to help with technical terms.

Also I agree with Writer that there is not enough detail in terms of character introduction and a means for character development. For next time, I suggest taking the time to think about the character, his/her personality, likes and dislikes. Often when I am figuring out dialogue for characters, I actually act out that character especially if they are created characters and will try out different responses and decide which on fits better.

You do have a good start here and I hope you do continue your series. Take your time with it and remember practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes better.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 10-09-2010, 12:53 AM   #5
Gigalmesh's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
It's great!
Gigalmesh is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Star Wars Gamer > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Order 66- The Edge

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:21 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2015 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.