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Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
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Old 06-22-2012, 10:21 PM   #11
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
A week of triple digits, and nothing else is happening. As you can tell, my computer is back up. This time the tech deleted every one of my favorites from my Internet Explorer, meaning I have to recreate them, again. This time I am going to make a copy as if exporting them to another program and update them every week. Also when I tried to access the SWK site to post from the library with their computer I got the same response. So it's not on my machine.

So what is good this week? Take a look...

Over at kotorfanmedia Charys starts us off with the reprise pick The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style followed by another reprise pick, gekkeiju's In Your Dreams and finishing up with our best of the week, RogueLadySabyne's Flowers and Reconciliation

Well back to the grind. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Mass Effect - Origins of the Reapers

NSW based on Mass Effect Game: A dissertation on one of the plot holes in the work

Remember to finish sentences. The Citadel, (was) constructed by the Keepers with the help of their Machines. You could have also left out the was by adding 'still stands today'. It's a minor problem, when I'm working hot and heavy on a story I tend to not finish sentences; that's one reason I tell people to reread then rewrite. The remainder of my critique is technical.

Technical notes: I have not played the game, so this is based on inferences in your work. First, the comment about the keepers 'Their civilization had reached its peak' was unnecessary, merely that their society was in decline.

Also saying; 'though the Keepers themselves were not the toughest and strongest species alive' was unsupported. Whatever race you speak of could be listed as not the toughest or strongest. The addition of the Machines would help even a very fragile race maintain superiority.

As for the genesis of the machines, one aside: saying they could take on a capital ship, are you referring to a modern one in the game?

The description of the machines themselves suggests cybernetic organisms, or at least biomechanical constructs. So the 'bugs' and later virus sounds like a flaw in the original design. A computer virus does not occur naturally, though a series of bugs, especially in equipment that is left running too long could cause something similar. However one thing a machine without a human brain or AI algorithms similar to the operation of a human brain cannot do; they cannot change their programming. As much as people liked the old ST episode; survival does not negate programming.

Interesting premise. Wish my laptop would play it...


Listed as NSW, though we have Jedi: An alternate universe rendition of WWII

First, remember 'A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...” In the Intro to every SW novel, so calling a holy order 'Jedi' and a Muslim order the 'Sith' is a stretch.

Since you tend to try to write script style, you don't need a line of laughter, and anything more than a single exclamation point is unnecessary.

'Commander of the Unit'? What size unit? If it's a squad, it would be either a sergeant or corporal, if it's larger, a lieutenant. Also, what division of the German army? If it's a Wehrmacht unit, it would be feldwebel but if it were an SS or Waffen SS unit it would be a rottenfurher (As a squad) and Luetnant or Untersturmführer for an officer.

Technical note: I don't know what they teach in Greece, but the nation was dragged into both World Wars. The British literally captured the Greek Monarch, and demanded that Greece enter the war against the Central powers of that time. After the war, Britain had the Greeks sign a mutual defense pact, which is what drew Greece into the second war.

As for your timeline following Hitler's death, I am have studied that war for longer than you have been alive.

First, every bit of land grabbed by the Nazis right up to the invasion of Greece had been taking back land taken under the Treaty of Versailles; One of the most vindictive 'treaties' ever written. Thanks to the US, France and the 'allies' was able to steal just about every bit of land won by Germany and the defunct Austria-Hungarian empire in the last century. Every bit of land grabbed back by the Nazis had been stolen from them.

In late 1940, early 1941 when your story would have occurred, Russia was still abiding by the Non-Aggression pact; it would not end until 22 June of 1941, with Operation Barbarossa, Germany's invasion of Russia.

Let us assume that Hitler died when you suggested. No one could have taken control of Germany after his death except for the Deputy Fuher, who was Rudolf Hess who had made the flight into England and would be captured in May 1941, a month after the events you portray.The German invasion of Greece happened a month earlier. Hess wanted to convince England to join in the 'crusade' against the Communists. If Hitler had died, there would have been a scramble for power.

Without Hitler to drive it, the Russian invasion would not have occurred; the High command knew they could fight the Russians, but had a two front war already between the Battle of the Atlantic and North Africa. As much as you think the Russians would have repudiated the Non-Aggression Pact it worked for Russia as Stalin was using it to clean house. This would have set up the later war; would Germany avoid getting into war with the US?

Without Hitler, Germany might have convinced Japan to ignore the US; the primary reason the Japanese grabbed Southwest Asia was because all of the resources they bought from the US was there in lands owned by France England and Holland. It was the decision to freeze their assets in the US after they did that forced Japan into open war.

But even with Roosevelt trying to stack the deck and force a declaration of war between January 1940 and the Attack on Pearl Harbor, the American people did not want to get into the European conflict. If the Japanese had ignored them, or listed everything Roosevelt had done to try to force the issue, it would have stopped America from attacking.


The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on.

Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this.

I like it!

Reprise Pick of the Week

Day Dreams of Young Knights

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Four young people immerse themselves in children's tales.

Except for the fact that all of the tales are connected to Earth, the piece was very well done. The author's choices were interesting; and the attitude of the readers toward the stories they were reading made them their own. Funny, Bao-Dur doesn't look Jewish...

"The Literary Review"

TSL no specific period given: A review by me of... a review?

Having HK47 take my seat for once is different, and the work, about him of course, merely a cutesy farce that irritates him immensely. His dissection of the work line by line, and of the author in the same way was well done and amusing. All I have to say is 'You better watch out...'

In Your Dreams

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past.

gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Flowers and Reconciliation

TSL on Dxun: Saying thank you can be hard.

RLS has always turned out good work, and her works with more than one exile like this one is always well done. The characters are well defined, the situation clear and action concise.

Pick of the Week

An Open Letter to the KFM Community

TSL: A complaint from one of the characters.

The piece is funny in that the one character I myself do not like has some genuine complaints about his treatment at the hands of some of the site's people. A cute little diatribe. Oh he's right; the modeler's forgot his upper lip!


Our first offering from fanfiction was a read requested by the author.


NonSW fiction: In a future world, a group of young people look at their lives.

The piece has a unique perspective because this is a future Utopian society but seen from the view of the teenager. I enjoyed the sub culture created; bounce music sounds like an interesting phenomenon. I didn't have time to read it all.

Tales of KOTOR: The Hollowed

TSL After the battle of Telos: Sion faces his fate after hearing of Nihilus's death

The author had an interesting premise; if you're immortal and your enemy cannot even hurt you, what is your purpose?

Fortune Favors the Bold
Kendoka Girl

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The defenders prepare for the attack

The piece is twenty chapters long, so I didn't have time to read very far. This segment is the orders for preparation.

NOT a satisfactory ending

Clone Wars on Kashyyk: Two chance met warriors help each other

All problems with the work are technical mentioned below:

When dealing with something like cloning to create an army, you wouldn't be tweaking the genome so tightly in the first units, and using a score (20) for that would be a waste of time; especially when at the start of the war you have over two million units already produced. It would be more like 50,000 in batch 1 with the follow on units being also in the thousands. Also, everything you differentiated would be a matter of training rather than genetic capability.

As for the predator they faced, most species of any specific environment are pretty much the same when it comes to the symmetry of their design. Here on earth all animals with more limbs (extra legs, wings etc) are limited by size. There are no giant spiders or insects here on Earth, so having the animal be ten legged was confusing. Look at every predator of even our prehistory from T-Rex to a modern tiger, and you have four limbs and bilateral symmetry.


KOTOR on Tatooine: A perfect romantic evening...Not!

The title really doesn't fit the work; it implies a longer relationship than the few months (Depending on when your team reaches Tatooine) or years if in the aftermath. The build up, the romantic setting, ending in a farce too easily anticipated. But fun.

Fitting In

Seven Years Post TSL: Revan and the Exile are back from the Unknown... But why haven't they contacted their friends?

The piece was fun to read. There are five more chapters, and if I find the time this week, I will be going back to read the rest. I still don't know why they have been in hiding for the last two years.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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