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Old 04-14-2014, 09:44 AM   #1401
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The reason for the comment was that as I said, she would have been disarmed, so having her conceal a dagger might not work. Having one, but needing to draw the courage to use it as a way out was my point.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:03 AM   #1402
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Ok. I misunderstood your post.
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:01 AM   #1403
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Fists of Blood (A Wuxia Novel)

Set in 17th century China: The Manchu invaders find the surviving Han supporters a tough nut to crack.

The phrase is, 'the news is' not the news are. Or by changing news to reports, it would make sense. You call someone immediately, not call immediately someone.

As much as a group of yes men might disagree, the comment made by Mei makes sense. If you look back in history to before the Soviet Union, the Ukraine has always been an unwilling vassal of first the Empire, and then the Union. During WWII, both the Ukraine and Russian Georgia (along with the Cossacks) fielded their own units which fought for the Nazis against the Communists.

In fact in a history of post war Europe, it was mentioned almost casually that the Red Army routinely used the Ukraine for most of their exercises. The same thing NATO did in Germany until the late 80s because according to the surrender agreement signed in 1945, they didn't have to worry as much about civilian complaints.

Also, no invasion that I remember has ever been accepted with open arms by the populace, as much as any propagandist or later history says so. The invaders move in, most of the people try to settle back into their normal lives, but a core of those who wish to resist will still be ready to fight.

But then you have the situation escalate almost out of control. No matter how trusted he might be, Mei is, by definition, a traitor to his people by assisting the present government, and no traitor is ever really trusted, since he might turn on you next. So they would not have allowed him a weapon anywhere near the Commanding General.

The escape might have made sense if you had Mei kill one of the generals with a crossbow before all of the soldiers were sent in. No competent officer is going to have everyone on one side of this bamboo forest, he is going to be assigning men to surround it, and using only the 2000 troops that had been there for the assassination, they could have put at least a cordon around it while calling in more. If he had killed one, the enemy would have withdrawn out of crossbow range, and this would have made it easier to sneak through the cordon. And as slow firing as a crossbow is, having the other general stand like an idiot to die next didn't make sense.

Last, no matter how good a sniper would be, killing the two generals would have not caused a full scale retreat if the officers below them are even remotely competent. Take this as an example:

A regimental combat team is assigned to capture or kill a single guerrilla. Two generals arrive with a company (in the US about a hundred men) and send them into the forest where he is as three more companies arrive. So with the first company, you would have a captain and three or four lieutenants. With the additional you now have the same number of junior officers, and at least one major or colonel. Yet when the sniper hits the Generals with his sniper rifle, all of these officers run away. A single captain or even what they call sarcastically a butter bar Lieutenant holding them together would have gotten promoted rapidly.

By example, on one of Napoleon's campaigns, his army was stopped by a river. The officers were busy discussing how much bridging wood they would need. Napoleon pretty much shouted for someone to figure it out. One of the privates shouted that he could determine it, and Napoleon told him to try.

The man stepped to about six or seven feet from the bank they were on, then tilted his helmet down until it matched the far bank. He then did a right face, shouted at a man he knew to pace out until he was that distance away, and told him to stop. 'That much, sir!'.

The private was made a lieutenant of engineers that very day.

Actually, compared to your usual work, this wasn't too shabby. You only made two obvious mistakes in the first posting except for the performance of your troops in the field. I think part of the problem is you appear to be ESL, (using a translation program) and you are watching Chinese movies with subtitles in your mother tongue. Having dealt with both the Bing and Google translators to read pages in other languages, a lot of what I have been dinging you on could be two different translations; one from Chinese to what you normally speak, the other, to English.

The Empire Strikes Back
Amme Moto

Crossover KOTOR to the Rebellion: Our time traveling heroes are looking for a few good Jedi

Unable to read further than the first chapter, but a lot of what I didn't know from the previous works was here in this one. I thought the concept that she's going to go through a prolonged first stage of pregnancy was fun, and the explanation of why made perfect sense.

One note. If someone who has joined the Force is omniscient, they would also know how it's going to turn out. The two discussions with Obi Wan that Luke had after his death didn't suggest it. Not even Obi Wan knew that as Yoda said, 'there is another'.

The Many Faces of Revan

KOTOR on the Star Forge: A meeting of a very unique sort.

All of us have at one time or another read of alternate dimensions, and having one possible Jedi power be being able to reach across and pull your counterpart into your world has an interesting flavor to it. Here we have two, the one with that capability, and another who is excellent at organizing doing so from a multitude of universes is intriguing.

Since every decision made before you were even born could logically create such a parallel, the idea that you have both sexes, dark and light, even different skin and hair tones works, and having them gather because all of these have one critical decision in common, working together also makes sense. Well worth the read.

Best of the Week

Sith battle for the Exile's Heart
The Unlife King Alucard

Post TSL: A battle for his affections

The build up to the battle was the most interesting. Both the Handmaiden and Visas vie for this, and there is enough commentary that we know that if Mira had survived, it would have been a three way contest.

The author gives us both options, having one win and gain it, though how the loser dies is different.

Nobody Knew
Shadows Of The Storm

TSL, no specific portion given: A descent into suicidal madness

The piece is chilling in it's portrayal. Losing the Force, getting it back and discovering the Galaxy depends on her is too much for the Exile. Her friends keep her from escaping it. But I am reminded of a simple truth; that if someone honestly wants to die, you can't really stop it.

All You've Ever Been

Five years after TFU1: Juno Eclipse still deals with her loss

The biggest problem in life is that someone you love can die first. Here we have Juno dealing with the loss of Galen, and to her mind, the worst part is that she didn't see him die. An author once said that unless you see someone die, they are still there somewhere, and one day you'll turn the corner and see them yet again. The ending links to TFU II when Juno's voice asks 'will I ever see you again?'. Because in her mind, he is not dead.

KotOR: Repercussions of Evil
The Fire Lily

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan as re assumed the mantle of Dark Lord

The piece is confusing, and the author admits that the writing is bad. But it was an interesting read

Restroom Rendezvous

KOTOR before Korriban: When Bastila interrupts Revan in the shower, she had not anticipated what followed

A brief but very fun read. The idea that Bastila makes the first move, yet runs away from it makes sense, just like her returning because she can no longer deny her feelings. The double entendre of the last conversation was fun from both sides.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Republic Commando: Beta Squad

Clone Wars on Geonosis: A team has a mission

The biggest problem is that what we see is a game being played. There are several problems with that to a reader.

First, you don't have a first battle of Geonosis without having a second battle. In an old story about a character named Encylopedia Jones, the main character proves a sword supposedly given to Stonewall Jackson is a fake because it was engraved with 'first battle of Bull Run' and had been given (Supposedly) a week or so later. However the battle was called Manassas, not Bull Run by the Confederates, and there was no way they could have anticipated that there would be a Second battle a year later.

While having constant contact with you command sounds good, you can't depend on it in real life, and having command drop in what you need every time (As H Beam Piper said in a story) an officer prays into his radio, Also there is what is called the 'fog of war'. All reports of enemy troops and movements are estimates, not exact. Last, until you have actually examined a bunker system created by an enemy, you would not have detailed blueprints to use. So having them enter a bunker, and having 'command' know exactly where you have to go is not logical.


Pre Mandalorian Wars: Brief snippets of her early life.

The only real negative I have is the idea that the young soon to be apprentices are allowed to pretty much run unchecked. To quote from an old song by Cat Stevens, 'from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen' says it all. Any religious order will take a new novice and as soon as they can understand, mold them in the pattern they want. A child below the age of three might get away with this, but an age of three wouldn't be allowed to run away into the library, would they?

Light in the Dark
Lord Trayus

TSL After Dantooine: Atton comforts the distraught Exile

Remember to sight edit. You are using incorrect wording, and it makes it hard for the reader to follow. Even the best writer needs to remember this, so don't think I am dinging you unnecessarily. I was looking at my own Return From Exile from this site, and noticed that the posted work needed tweaking.

Oddly enough, thanks to my antipathy toward Mical, I have never played a female character without the 'get Handmaiden' mod, so here is the second time where I see the aftermath of a Handmaiden attack on the ship. I also know (From that other work where the author mentioned Atton just flies) that Mical is the one in the scene instead of Atton. In my own, thanks to the mod, you get Visas.

The Opening Salvo of the Mandalorian Wars
Darth Garek

Start of the Mandalorian Wars: The first battle when the Mandalorians invest Onderon tries their mettle

Remember to sight edit. There were words used that were confusing, and any confusion for the reader causes them to slow down. If it gets too bad, they stop reading.

A first negative, a wasteland is something where nothing lives. Onderon is more a jungle environment, where a lot of things live.

Wingmen: A wingman relationship, whether infantry or fighter pilots is special, and except for one situation, is never two brand new troopers. Usually, a new man is assigned to an experienced one. This give him a chance to survive long enough to become experienced. The one situation when you would throw two newbies together is an emergency.

The battle was relatively well laid out, except for the 'our bullets kill you, but yours have little effect' of the last push. The confusion on one side, and the determination on the other is also well done.

Training Session

Post TSL on Dantooine: It's not all work

The author's comments on what the scene was based on warned me, so I'm not going to shout that it was derivative. The piece is well laid out, the entire fight well done, and the end choice.

Oh, and I agree, to hell with canon at least this once; let them have their happy ending and fun.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:36 AM   #1404
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Sorry for the delay. Computer problems, Wi Fi problems, you name it.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: The Road not Taken
Chevron 7 Locke

Star Wars set I believe in TOR: A Jedi examining an unknown artifact has some.. problems.

The author is very good, and when I see the name I am always pleased. The piece has some things that made it very interesting. The artifact is merely an unknown but the Jedi are just assuming it's Sith made because they have no record of making it.

The activation of it reminds me of the old movie My Science Project where an accidental link to human tech (A flashlight brought too close to it) causes it to begin first drawing, then seeking out further electricity until it activates.

But before this device fully activates, you have something whispering, and one of the phrases was 'a road less traveled, which made me think of the Robert Frost Poem (The Road not Taken) and the Harry Turtledove story The Road Less Traveled. Both works looking at.

I agree with the one reviewer of this piece. When will we see more, Chev?

Pick of the Week


Miserly Reborn

Mandalorian Wars on Malachor V: Darth Nihilus is born

The piece is a bit confusing. Is the dark figure what he is to become? Or is this merely his first victim? Didn't have enough time to read further, but maybe the second short chapter will answer that.


KOTOR after the Leviathan Revelation: Is her love for Carth really worth the pain?

The piece is well wrought. I had my own Revan going through this before their arrival at Korriban, and in mine, she fought this battle completely in her head. Here we have problems mainly because she herself doesn't know if who she once was will reemerge, and her snapping at Carth is because she is frustrated. And while Canderous' comment is meant well, it doesn't really help her.

Pick of the Week

Every Word

Has to be Post KOTOR...: All right, now how do you fix this?

I'm not sure how many who read this are underage, but I will tell you something that isn't a secret, when people get drunk, to say it politely, 'excrement occurs'. What might seem like a very funny joke can backfire big time, and the two who were caught in it are two of the best on the ship, because you honestly can't seem them together. The problem, as it is here, is to get them past what has happened without making it an even bigger mess.

Pick of the Week


Post TSL: After losing her Father, the daughter of the Exile and Atton faces other problems.

The piece is nicely written, and I wished I could read further. My main questions are, did Mira just go back to her old job? And who is the father of Shen?

Kotor the bodyguard

Post KOTOR: A man assigned to find Revan if he went missing is now in hot pursuit

The biggest negative is that you give his resume or parts of it, three times. You yourself corrected a similar problem later about his gloves. It's a tendency that continues, since you can modify a weapon, but don't need to go over exactly how, or how you gain access beyond 'find a spot where they won't notice from either side'.

You're also doing, what in movie or theater is called 'breaking the fourth wall'. This is when you make comments as an aside to the audience, such as Ferris Bueller talking to the audience to explain his foibles. When done right, it is an amusing trick, but if done incorrectly, it tends to distract the reader, since there is no fourth wall.

I used an analogy in a Religious debate about the 'Holy' Trinity, because most assume that they are co-equal, but I pointed out that if a Character in a fictional account makes the same basic comment Jesus did at one point, pointing to the Sky and saying 'The Author is Greater than I', it would just be confusing.

There are also problems with continuity. You have people trapped by him in the hanger, and only then mention that he had hacked in and has the security droids running interference. Also, whether assassin or bounty hunter, the collateral damage of the guards would be incidental to him. You're having him do something quite stupid (Shooting the two guards instead of killing them quietly and hiding the bodies) then calling on them to surrender rather than merely shooting all of them, or bypassing them.

I would suggest that you watch the episode 'The True Noir' from the series Noir. In that episode, the two assassins that make up Noir are hired to kill a man, but someone warns him and they end up in a running gun battle. At no time does anyone on either side call for a surrender; the pair will die if they do, and the suborned police have their orders. In a gangland situation, you would have the same problem. This is not the police raiding them, it's a bounty hunter, and the rules used by law enforcement do not apply.

I tend to ding people on things that are common in the games like stealth generators and personal shields for a simple reason; if such things did exist previously, they would have shown up in the movies as well. Since most of the creators of Sci Fi RPGs started with games like Dungeons and Dragons, they automatically add things from that game, superior armor, stealth, super weapons etc, this is a constant problem for me.

The basics are good, and you know you need to work on grammar, so there is not a whole lot of negatives beyond what I mentioned.

Star Wars: Bravo Company
Soul Reaper 2.0

One month after Geonosis: A Clone unit gets a new Jedi advisor

Technical note, military protocol: While all of the clones no doubt trained together, you will note that they are punctilious about the chain of command. So having a pair of grunts challenging a corporal about his authority doesn't make sense. In a real unit today, it will cause said non-com ripping a strip off you.

Technical note, reputation: As much as a unit has it's own esprit de corps, it isn't going to be common knowledge less than a month into a war without very special circumstances. As an example, in the Troy Rising Series by John Ringo, you have one as yet unnamed pilot pull off a daring feat of flying to get her ship into cover when an enemy force arrives. So yeah, she's going to earn a rep.

It isn't until the second book, Citadel, where she gets a name, and her action is repeated now from the other side, her doing what had to be done in a dangerous situation, and earning the call sign Comet from it.

Technical note, choke point: There should be some expansion on how this one demolition expert has succeeded in forcing the enemy to use the one place where you can trap a larger force.

The piece is relatively well written, and my primary complaint after that intro is why it wasn't continued.

Help Me
Cally Starkiller

Pre-KOTOR: With Revan captured, they now have to create the new person

The conversation about how they were going to disguise her reminded me of a sarcastic comment about Opera, where somone wearing the exact same costume from the previous scene suddenly becomes unknown because they are wearing a mask. You don't even have to give her a haircut because she spent all of that time in armor.

But having Bastila act with revulsion when she looks at Revan is a problem. If someone is always nervous or repulsed around you, it suggests problems between you, and Revan would recognize that.

The main problem is it was far too short.

Revan's Legacy
Jedi Revan8645

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: The last battle, and what follows

Remember to sight edit. You have a phrase 'I am be on your jests' that made absolutely no sense. The entire work was riddled with places where the reader had to puzzle out what you meant, or go back and reread.

As I have told a lot of people over the years, a story is like a river. Most of the time you're just floating along on your raft watching the scenery, with occasional white water and rapids. But if it's all rapids, the reader loses interest. Those who go running the rapids still have the gentle area where they board their boats. And where they get off.


Post KOTOR: Revan leaves, and Carth must decide to find her

If you're talking about the character, you should tell us who he is. I knew what the story was about but saying captain or the captain didn't make it clear until he grabs his jacket.

Also, while recruits are looked down on, they are not considered contemptible. The man seeing them, whether a senior enlisted man or officer, was once where they were. The contempt would for their 'oh I'm going to become famous' attitude. As the author of the book the Big Red One said, surviving a war is what is important.

Technical Note, Military ranks: Unless the ship is huge (And nothing existing on Earth qualifies) it is commanded by a captain. Even the ranks in foreign most foreign navies the ranks denote the class of the ship, or ranking in their system, such as Korvetten-Kapitain in German or Kapitan pervogo ranga (Captain First Class) in the Russian Navy.

When it comes to larger combatants, such as the battlecruisers and battleships of the Second World War, you would have a squadron or division (Two ships) with an admiral aboard, but the ship itself is still commanded by a Captain. The Admirals command the entire unit, whether his two ships or his eight in a squadron. This goes for every navy on the planet.

By huge, I mean something too big to land on a planet, or when it has a lot of different commands assigned to it, such as the ships of David Weber's Dahak Series, where they are thousands of kilometers across, and full crews of hundreds of thousands. Even then though, the actual commanding officer of the ship is only designated a Fleet Captain rather than Admiral.

In the SW universe you have this happening, even if some of these are still rather small in comparison. A Super Star Destroyer in TESB (Crew supposed to be 140,000 according to the RPG) was still commanded by a Captain, even though Vader was in charge. So it would be logical to say Grand Moff Tarkin commanding the Death Star (Crew of over a Million but only about 170 km across) is an admiral. But an admiral is only a passenger on a ship, and is supposed to route all orders through the Commanding officer, or the Captain.

Technical Note, Escaping in a fighter: Remember that this is 4,000 years before Yavin, and as much as twenty odd years earlier during the Clone Wars, fighters were still using hyper-rings rather than interior hyperdrives. In a fighter she can get somewhere else in a star system, but not in seconds.

You ended on an odd note. As I mentioned above, Revan could not have gone too far, and even if you assume a super secret hyper drive for the fighter, hasn't been gone that long. So tracking her, and working out where she might be going is relatively simple. But you have him running off to Dantooine without further explanation.

How To Save A Life

Post TFU: Juno returns to Galen's old home

The piece like a lot of those written before TFU II came out is both sad and poignant. All she has is memories.

Why Mira Does The Shopping for the Ebon Hawk

TSL: Companion piece to Why Bastila Does the Shopping for the Ebon Hawk

This is the second 'list-fic' by the authors, and was really amusing because all of the comments fit the characters very well. The last comment, about the gumbo she makes reminds me of my own Mando'a dish, Merdai stew. The description is 'it's what you can find, and what you can catch'. But as much as she thinks Manda'lor isn't looking down her shirt...

Imperfect Destiny
Darth Yuthura

5 years post TSL: A gladiator finds he has another reason to live.

The byplay between Genda the gladiator, and Tashi, the slave mistress given to him is interesting because it brings out the one thing people forget about slavery; If you have been raised your entire life as a slave, you really have nothing to compare your present life to.

Part of the reason a number of the freed slaves after the War Between the States stayed in the south was not because they wanted to, but because they didn't understand they actually had a choice in what to do from that point on, and the attitudes of their neighbors who now had to compete with them for jobs didn't help.

Genda was born free, and he is actually worse because he sees no end to this life, and the very idea of having a choice is incomprehensible to Tashi. When she decides for once to do what she wants, rather than what he wants, it confuses him, even if it is what he has been trying to get her to do all this time.

The actual fight scene was well done, and in a way reminded me of the original novelette The Sand Kings, because the idiot who bought the original creatures got bored and began having them face harder and harder enemies. You know that unlike the Sand Kings, he's alone, so eventually they are going to pit him against something too tough to beat.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-11-2014, 07:41 AM   #1405
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A Datapad in the Unknown Regions
Michiko Mokuyaba

Text written 15 months after KOTOR: A last message from Revan to the Exile

Remember to sight edit, as there are a lot of times where you used the wrong words. Don't take that as a complete negative. If you have read my own postings, I sometime make the same mistake in haste.

One thing bothered me. You call the Exile by name, yet address it to Exile. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

The piece is a bit disjointed, but that is because the person dictating it is also a bit disjointed by their own admission. The comment to not choose an order to follow fits well with my own comment in Genesis of a Jedi; 'there is no dark, there is no light, there is only the Force'.

Beyond my comment above, well done

Dreams, Death, and Hope

After General Order 66: Is it the start of sorrow? Or of happiness?

The only negative I have for the piece is them saving the two moth old fetus for her to see. She didn't need to see this to know the child had been stillborn, though it did set up the idea of what followed.

An Audience With the Shadow Queen
4th of Eleven

Pre APM: Palpatine seeks advice from the dead. But doesn't get what he wanted...

The primary negative I have is why is there A; a holocron on Lehon, B; how someone who during KOTOR itself would merely be someone who had been assumed dead listed and most important, C; that has a listing of where she died five years or more later?

Her advice is cogent. Displaying your power as a Sith in the Galaxy right before his rise to power is like the old joke about the nail and the hammer. By concealing himself even as he learns more, he is able to achieve Darth Bane's vision of a Sith ruler ship, and by going for political power instead of simply trying to take on the galaxy alone, he can achieve it. After all, Hitler was elected to his position.

The Gathering Storm

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan has a new assignment, and discovers a deeper mystery

The piece has an interesting dark feel to it. Revan comes across almost as a Sith before he actually reveals his face to the equerry, then as an impish boy by suggesting she stuffed her bra. There is not a lot beyond the treatment of the last Jedi's native guide, and the basic situation, but it looks worth reading further. With 16 chapters, that is a lot further.

In Practice

Post KOTOR: Memories begin to drive a wedge between Carth and Revan

The story is very well done, and the way the memories are returning is perfect. It isn't a linear progression, but memories surfacing as something outside triggers them. In real life medical science, this is closer than the 'denouement' type you see on television or a movie. The memories are sometimes happy, sometimes terrifying. But the harder ones begin to strain the relationship.

Pick of the Week

Hell of Your Own Creation

TSL Post 2nd Telos: Nihilus discovers that death is only the beginning of his torment

While well wrought, I did not enjoy the piece. I have never accepted an eternal tormenting hell unless like the Taoists, it is one you chose for yourself by your actions. Though if you are into that kind of thing, it is a great story.


During the Clone Wars: A little barracks downtime for our favorite Clone team

The one thing I have always loved about most of the authors here, is that even with a dozen clones sitting around a table, no two are alike beyond the obvious. This is no exception. Just take the average barracks scene from any war movie. The one reading porn, another reading a technical journal, the focused killer merely on down time, and the one who melds them together.

Pick of the Week


TSL, no specific location given: When it's to make her happy, he is willing to help his competitor

One thing I like when I am reading is when the author surprises me. You're sitting there with the 'been there done that' attitude, and something comes right out of right field to smack you. This one did that to me, helping to save a life, but it isn't until the end that you find out who is saved.

Pick of the week

Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lord

TSL on Peragus: The saga begins

Remember to sight edit, you used surpassed when you meant the passage of time for example

Basically a retelling of the story starting with T3 repairing the Ebon Hawk. I wonder why you had the plasma torch imbedded in Kreia, suggesting a wound, but have her sit up immediately as if there is no damage.

An Apprentice in Hand
Frank Hunter

TFU On assignment: Galen meets someone you wouldn't anticipate...

Remember to sight edit. Some sections were a bit cumbersome, but that is what sight editing is for.

This author, as one previously, surprised me with the identity of Starkiller's opponent. I'm sitting here saying 'how does she know PROXY is used by Vader' among other things. But it does explain how the Emperor would discover his existence.

Best of the week

Star's Eclipse

Midpoint of TFU: Galen is saved by Vader, but why?

The piece is interesting to me because I have never played the game. My laptop doesn't have the memory or graphics needed. I know enough about the basic story to follow it as I read them, and this is what you might call the high point of the story, doing something right because he wants to.

The author obviously got enough people saying 'Yes!' to continue it, 12 chapters long so far.

What is Right

TSL after 2nd Telos: Dealing with the aftermath

The piece is a little slice of life with the Exile speaking to Atris after the battle. Atris comes across as you would expect, a shattered woman unwilling to admit yet that there is a life ahead of her. She is still obsessed with the fact that she had fallen, unwilling to make the effort to climb out of the hole she had created.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:30 AM   #1406
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Lung Chang I - Feast on the Snowy Mountain (Wuxia)

You tear clothing, but once it has been done, it's torn. It is What man, not which man when speaking of Chang's reaction.

Once you have described a scene, you do not need to repeat it, only elaborate on it. Depth of snow, where rocks bushes or trees stick up out of it, that kind of thing. You are still using phrases incorrectly, though only two, both when Chang strikes his opponent.

The piece is rather good except for what I mentioned above. After seeing the portrayal of the character, his manners, his polite mien, I myself wondered if he was guilty. Though fiction is replete with urbane villains. Having him suggest that they sit and sup before trying to kill each other is the height of polite behavior, though having them slug down entire jars of wine is a bit much.

Sartorial Eloquence
Jen DeClan

TSL, sort of, with a crossover to Mass Effect: The Exile has to escape from Peragus, but does he really have to take those dweebs with him?

You are warned the piece is a parody, so expect to giggle a bit as you read it. It starts with him whining about having ratty clothes and red tennis shoes, segues to Kreia's comments with the 'dinging' sound of announcements in malls, to Atton doing his job better when he's drunk than sober, and the list of sometimes ridiculous puns, japes and jokes just roll on.

I loved the RPG bag, which is explained like the storage section of the HUD, and having him have 'tickle droid' instead of full up stun droid. Also the 'make droid' almost sex scene was funny too. The author admits that portions of the canon game were avoided because of personal pique, and I applaud it.

25 chapters long. I only had time for one, but I wanted more!

Pick of the Week


Pre TSL: Jaq Rand as a contract killer gets an interesting contract.

The start was amusing, and the primary problem I had with it was it was a bit too short.

Star Wars: Trials

Set two and a half years Post SWTOR: Is the power worth the price?

Remember to sight edit. You have some cumbersome wording, and tend sometimes to forget conversation breaks. Always remember, part of the 'job' of writing is to make the work easier on the reader. If they have to back track, or puzzle out what you mean, it is less enjoyable.

For some reason you use both Aquora and Aerrow, with no provenance for the second name. It is as if there are two people there, or perhaps it is his family name. But without knowing, it is merely confusing. As an example, if you have a character named John Doe, you would refer to him sometimes as John, and at other times as Doe, and the reader can still flow past it without questions.

The Handmaiden

TSL on Telos: The Handmaiden speaks out for the travelers they hold

The work needs sight editing, but that was minor. The biggest stumbling block I had was having her sisters call her by her title in the game. You gave one, the closest to her in age a name, but didn't have them use her given name at any point. Even in a military unit, when you are all of a close rank, the only time you would use the rank instead of their name is in a purely military situation. As an example, when Audie Murphy was still a non com, his men called him Audie more often than they called him Sergeant.

The argument she give is cogent. They are Atris' handmaidens, not her protector. As she said at the end of chapter two, their job was not to protect Atris, but to protect the Galaxy from the Jedi.

Rise of the Leviathan

Pre KOTOR: Bastila faces her greatest challenge

Remember to sight edit. As an example, it should be neither the Republic, nor the Jedi. The primary reason I almost always hit this as an example of a writing error is because it is so common; you're visualizing and recording the events, and you slip up on wording or grammar (Such as waist instead of waste earlier) and don't go back to correct those errors. I do it so often myself that I sometimes go back and still don't see my own error.

That is why some professional writers (Unless pressed for a deadline) tend to set aside a work for as much as a year before doing the edit; you might not see the inconsistencies.

The main negative I have with the work is that you jump from live action to flashbacks without a mention that it is happening. It caused confusion as I read. I would suggest using say italics or at least a break to tell the reader something is happening. A minor point, but a reader can become confused.

Technical note, Inertia: You call them inertia cancelers, though most call them inertial dampeners, but you can't really have a ship traveling for any real distance without them. Oh I know we don't have the technology yet, but for real long distance space travel, you need both artificial gravity, and something to limit or remove inertial effects. Before you point at the moon landings as 'long distance', remember that Mars at it's closest is about 40 million miles away and we haven't gotten there yet.

As much as both Star Wars and Star Trek have ships close enough for visual identification, it is to make it easier for the audience. In reality, they are hundreds and sometimes thousands of kilometers apart. So that 'knife fighting range' scene from ROTJ would never happen in reality. Assuming a small amount of logical separation, say the difference from surface to low orbit (100 kilometers or less) you would need minutes for your ship to arrive without some form of inertial protection. And anything that slow is a dead easy target even with modern military sensors and weapons.

Modern space travel avoids this problem by limiting the duration of the thrust burn, keeping it within what the average human body can take for a limited time, which is why it took several days for the Apollo missions to reach the moon, and why a flight to our next closest neighbor, Mars, is going to take several months. The human body is designed to work in a one G environment, and taking more for extended periods causes a lot of stress. The highest thrust speed we assume we will deal with on that last mentioned mission would be about 4Gs for about twenty minutes, and believe me, having four people your own size and weight sitting on you for that long can be lethal.

As an example, a modern fighter pilot with a G suit that limits the effects of Inertia routinely pull up to 7 Gs in practice, and as much as 15 or more in combat. The lift off of a space shuttle takes several minutes, and routinely does not exceed 3 Gs. If you use just one scene, the escape from Mos Eisely by the Millennium Falcon, she went from rest (after lifting off) to escape velocity (11.2km/s, try 40,000+ kph, or around 25,000 mph) in about two minutes. If you work it out, that is about 500Gs. Without an inertial dampener, at that speed you are reduced to a thin paste on the nearest wall.

The battle scenes were well done, all of the confusion and purposeful movement highlighted well. I especially enjoyed the scenes where she is immersed in battle mediation and can see what is happening. The idea of the Halo, an electronic training device was well done, though I did wonder how long the Jedi had even known of the ability. Perhaps they had found some had it and tried to bring it out? The suggestion that others had been trained by picking fights with small contingents of an enemy made sense, though it could be rough on both men and ships.

Pick of the Week

An aside; When I found the story below, I went to the profile to copy the name so it would be correctly spelled. There I found the story above, which I missed somehow. So I am doing both reviews in this column together.

The Force is a Burden

KOTOR beginning with the Leviathan Revelation: What could cause Bastila to willingly embrace the Dark Side?

Compared to most 'Bastila falls' stories, this is unique. We know she can control battle mediation, but the author comes up with a unique form of where it began, as a Dark Side ability. The idea of a government using something they themselves consider reprehensible is age old. The British used it when they adopted the Welsh Longbow so that their troops would be equal to another enemy.

Also, like Terry Prachett's wizards, the Jedi training is to limit your usage of the Force, something the stories harp on constantly.

To discover that your capability to use what is by definition a Dark Side power is bad enough, but then to be tormented on top of that is the choice bit. Wonderful work!

Pick of the Week


Post ANH on Yavin: New hopefuls arrive. But there is danger...

Basically a retelling of the intro to the JA game, but the internal monologue is well done.

Come On Join the Darkside

KOTOR on Lehon: The real reason why Bastila went to the darkside

It was a bit amusing, especially the fact that he tormented her using Barnie! In an old story of my own, I had a modern day member of what could be called Men In Black using old Bonzo movies in the same manner.


Post TSL: One of the characters reacts badly to TOR

The piece is funny because I for one agreed with Nihilus. What's this 300 year gap crap?

First Flight

Pre KOTOR: A family tradition

This is one of those poignant father and son moments that are meant to be remembered, and as Carth shows, shared again in your own time. The shared 'we went fishing' story was a cute touch.

With another coming along

Pre KOTOR: An unexpected crewman aboard the Endar Spire

It looks like an interesting idea. The only real negative is this; My first name is Nick. When I talk about myself, I don't call myself the Critic, or considering my present job, the picketer. So why is the Exile calling himself Exile, and creating Exile rules? I know Benedict Arnold did not go through the rest of his life saying, 'hi, I'm the best known American Traitor'.


KOTOR from the Beginning: Redemption begins somewhere

The piece made me actually sit back and think of when I wrote my own KOTOR novel back in 2005. The biggest stumbling block I had with the game originally was that the memories are so vague, and the facts Carth knows about the person are obviously a sanitized copy. It isn't until Bastila begins interrogating you on Dantooine that you 'suddenly' have memories.

The author's way of creating that persona fits very well into what you might anticipate. Creating a new persona would be difficult unless you could create 'plug and play' memory modules to slip into them because you would not know exactly what caused them to become who they are now. In fact in a way that is what they started to do, but discovered that their 'vanilla' soldier wouldn't fit with someone who is unique in other ways.

Like a lot of work here, I wanted to keep reading. This is like having a waitress allow you a single sample bite of a cheesecake, but not let you have a slice.

Best of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-24-2014, 08:19 AM   #1407
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Lung Chang II - Red Feathered Golden Needles (Wuxia)

Continuation of Lung Chang I:

While masquerade suggests a disguise, it is not the correct word. Disguise would have been better.

It is points his sword again, and hits with immense strength the arrogant man's chest should be hits the arrogant man's chest with immense strength, and he punched his fist on her face, breaking her nose should be he punched his fist into her face, breaking her nose.

Again, you have someone forcing the issue before a conflict is needed. If you approach someone with a sword in your hand, you have already escalated the conflict just by your presence.

Technical note, setting a date: European dating as in Years since Christ was born, and the months used are European only. The Aztecs had their own calendar, as do the Arabs and the Oriental nations, so using a date that does not yet exist in their world doesn't make sense. If you are going to set this in China, find out the dating system used in their nation at the time.

As an example, in the Bible book of Luke, the author sets the year by saying the fifteenth year of Tiberius, then further clarifies by saying who was prefect of Palestine, king, high priest etc. For those who lived before the AD (Now called CE) era, it is as clear as saying 'year of our lord'.

Technical note, Finding evidence: Having your main character ask for the one thing that can prove his innocence makes no sense. The primary reason the scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home where Chekov is standing on a street corner asking about 'Nuclear Wessels' is so funny is that in a real life situation having someone with a foreign accent asking about what is primarily a government secret would have security agents all over them in minutes.

The problem I see is everything that points to Lung being the criminal is circumstantial. Only an idiot or a lunatic would be painting his name on the walls saying 'I did it', and unlike written European characters, written Chinese or Japanese is not conducive to handwriting analysis. By this definition, Kilroy was really there in all of those Japanese caves during WWII.

When I found the Rebirth of the Legion below, I went to the profile to copy the name rather than typing it. Then, like last week, I discovered there was a previous story I had not reviewed, therefore...

The True Exile
Tiberius Kane Moriarty

Rewrite of a previous story about Malachor V: It begins at Malachor...

Remember to sight edit. From the first the piece was a hard slog to read. Remember that every book you have ever enjoyed flowed, the author leading from place to place so you didn't have to stop, get out a map, and figure the way.

Technical note, assembly required?: You have half a dozen men landing and then assembling the MSG on the ground, inside an enemy fortress? While there is no mention of how big the device is, the odds that something so devastating would be man transportable is unlikely.

Remember the original MSG deployed in the game was a prototype. As Heinlein pointed out in one of his stories, technology goes through three stages; simple and inefficient, complex and inefficient, simple and efficient. The original A bomb weighed over five tons, the first H bomb tested weighed 82 tons. The reason I mentioned that is a modern tactical nuke (Half the yield of the original Hiroshima bomb can be less that 30 pounds, and a modern MIRV with a tenth of the yield of that H bomb weighs less than a hundred.

Technical note, Stealth: I ding constantly on stealth generators and personal shields because of one important fact; you don't see the technology in the original movies set 4,000 years later, except for the hand carried energy shields of the Gungans. Even more important, once you know such a device or ability exists, you can spot them. Look at the Predator Movies. The alien is using pretty much what a stealth generator would do. If you know it exists, you are going to be looking for the effects.

The basic idea is good, but a lot of it made no sense. As I was dinged once Revan is supposed to be a tactical and strategic genius. A simple scouting party of ships would not slow her down unless the person in charge of that unit is A: also a genius, and B; survives to be the last ship destroyed.

Then you have her pretty much a dark side entity using her authority to get her way, even when her subordinate knows it is wrong. You have ignored the fact that a senior officer showing signs of stress or insanity can be relieved of command. It merely takes an officer willing to give that order. Remember in the first of the modern Star Trek movies they used that to remove Spock from command.

Rebirth of the Legion
Tiberius Kane Moriarty

Post TSL return to Malachor V: The Exile fights his final battle.

The same problems mentioned above with the writing itself.

Technical note, New Weapons: You have the Sith using almost half a dozen weapons never mentioned before, and while it sounds exciting, it runs right into the fact that something does not come from nothing. The Rift cannon makes sense as a version of the MSG that can be fired rather than physically deployed, but except for the EMP cannon, none of the others made sense from the tactical view. What I mean is, no matter how secret the testing and design phase, no weapon has ever been a complete secret. Also, there has never been any single ship ever designed that can take on a fleet of thousands by itself.

As an example, history shows that every one of the main combatants in WWII had people who were later instrumental in developing the first A bombs. Just look at the names of refugees from Germany, Russia and Italy on the Manhattan Project. It was the rumors that the US was developing some kind of weapon with a lot of physicists that caused the Germans to dust off their own A bomb project when they began full scale production of heavy water (Deuterium) in Norway in 1942.

Stop Camping You Noob!

TSL aboard Ravager: Those video games can be addictive...

Remember conversation breaks.

That being said, I knew what was going to happen, but it was funny anyway. I liked the Idea that poor Visas has to play the significant other (which in this context includes anyone who is trying to get you off your butt and out of the game) until she gets hooked.

I just wish I owned that Pizza franchise. Think of the delivery charges!

Pick of the Week

When He Saw Her

KOTOR vignettes: How he felt a step at a time.

Remember to sight edit. For example you used how couldn't she have, when you meant how could she have not. Remember, part of our job as writers is to make the story flow for our readers, a problem you do not have except for some minor slips.

The scenes chosen were both logical and thought provoking. A person is, as Carth attempted, pigeonholed by most of us. They belong in this box, and every time they do something that doesn't match your preconceived notion, you merely move them to another.

Carth does what we all do, until the end. At that point, of course, Revan is firmly in the 'lover' box finally.

Pick of the Week

Happy Valentines Day

TSL aboard Ravager: The title says it all.

The author has a take on Nihilus revealed through previous works that is unique. Here we have the Dark Lord as not only the lover, but as someone who cheers up his crew.

The only real negative is the violation of the 'a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away' canon rule.

Across the Stars
Misty 82

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: There has to be a rational explanation, right?

I tend to play both games as a female character, and with the mods so that you could have theoretically have had a distaff kiss. Though I also had my Revan consider Bastila a friend and only at the end a woman to become married to. Maybe I should try it again and see what happens...

Star Wars Darkness

TFU Aboard the Death Star: His last word were anticipated...

I was reminded of the intro to Terry Pratchett's Guards, Guards! Where he comments that it was dedicated to the guards in the town where a Sword and Sorcery character is attacked and slaughters them.

Basically a retelling of the original trailer for TFU II, the primary difference with the piece is that the Stormtrooper is not the stereotypical Myrmidon. He's considering that someone else is supposed to carry out this execution, and the fact that it appeared to be arranging his escape instead.

A Kinection to the Force

A year after General Order 66: It's not me, it's the game system!

The piece was fun because you have the hero pretty much ho-humming himself through the game until the end. I felt the same way (PC not Kinect) during KOTOR because unless you run away, all you really do is stand there and trade blows without moving much at all, a phenomenon I have noticed in a lot of other games as well, whether it's people or ships.


TSL: He always calls her princess

An interesting way to look at the pet name some give you. Originally as a joke, then as time goes on, as something that means as much to the one saying it as it does to the one addressed.

Eliatra Sabre: A Jedi's Journey
Eliatra Sabre

Approximately ten years pre KOTOR:

Question, what kind of scanner? In the future, Palpatine had a mechanical system created to detect possible force sensitives, but there was only one brief mention.

The piece is a nice slice of life for a group of children. My main curiosity is how these three fit into the coming problems.

Nicely done, and well worth the read with 26 more chapters to go.


KOTOR crew vignettes: How the crew deals with the problems they do have

Like usual, a story literally wants me to read further, and this is one of them. Thanks to the game mechanics you don't have a lot of time spent in situations where the characters are sleeping or otherwise occupied. So on the ship drawings you don't have bathrooms, showers, kitchens, etc, because people don't think of them unless they are logical,or as your critic is, sarcastic. I created a dungeon long ago, back when D&D was THE role playing game where I put a series of toilets scattered through it that led to a room you could fall into just to be a bit disgusting.

The author decided in this chapter to lean heavily of Carth's trust issues, Carth going to bed in armor, and in the bed that would assure she can't leave without his noticing, making their first night a serious pain in whatever part their armor will pinch.

Let's face it, if Carth had been this paranoid in real life, I would have fragged him after about a week.

Nineteen chapters, I might have to come back to this one...

Best of the Week

My Love Story

During the Clone Wars: A girl finds the man for her...

An interesting take, especially in the subject matter. As Yoda said in one of the Clone Wars first season episodes, you all look alike, but you are different people.

Most of the clone stories I have read here so far either concentrate on a specific unit, or throw us into a situation where we're dealing with a new group and everyone is still interchangeable. It's nice to see one where one of the men is suddenly more attractive for something beyond his looks.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:25 AM   #1408
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Lung Chang III - The Four Devils of Shandong (Wuxia)

Continuation of Lung Chang II: Just an average day, but the secret is slowly revealed

You're starting to use incorrect words and not finishing sentences. Avoid redundancy. If you have peach blossoms, it's a peach tree, so calling them peach blossom trees is redundant.

Question; why do you have the main character be almost over polite with the men he has faced, yet the first time we see him fighting a woman, he insults her?

You had two fights that really were unnecessary. The Mongol in the bar, and the Four Devils. A battle is supposed to advance the story, and the only way the second battle did was by having him face Wu Lan again.

Also, remember that life is not an RPG. You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.

At last we find out some of the plot behind the story.

Lung Chang IV - Meeting of the Orthodox Sects on Mt. Kunlun

Continuation of Lung Chang III: The meeting takes place, with daggers in the dark

You're interchanging actions again, having some one stab 20 time the stomach for example.

The piece is actually intriguing, though having someone assassinate another inside the compound completely unnoticed doesn't make a lot of sense. The plan is going a little too well.

AU: KOTOR III: THE PULSE: Pain in my Brain

Beginning of KOTOR III: The main character seems to be having problems...

Very well done. The things I liked were first the over the top quarters, so even if you are a drone, you don't feel like one when you get home. Second was their corporate 'mandatory meeting', because having worked in corporate America, you find that a lot of what they do is determined not by facts, but what you boss thinks.

The last section, dreaming about an evil pulsating planet... to quote from Howard the Duck, 'This does not bode well'.

Best of the Week

Adonia vs The Ebon Hawk

KOTOR on Korriban: Boys and their toys

I can understand the take because every woman is like this at one time or another, cut out of their man's life by a machine of some kind. As an ex-sailor, I understand Carth's attitude though; a ship is alive, just in a way most people don't understand.


KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Sometimes, there is just no explanation

The piece is funny because, as I did in my I Know What Love Is...Sorta, we have two droids trying to understand sexuality, and failing miserably.

Cast the Right Light
Shadow Of One

TFU II teaser: To gain what he wants in life, he has got to face the challenges as well

As I have said before, since I can't play TFU on my computer, a lot of the basic story line doesn't gel for me. The teaser portrayed here is the one I know best, and the difference in his attitude between the warring voices he remembers and the woman he loves is well portrayed.

Dealing With the Devil Within
Metropolis Kid

KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: Making a deal with your other self

The piece is nicely done. Using a reflection as in most such stereotypical scenes, with the 'good' Revan finally getting rid of a Red Crystal starting it.

The discussion went as I had anticipated, but if the 'Evil' Revan is a typical Sith, is this more like a deal with the Devil?

Knights of the Old Republic: the Prodigal Knight
Gipper 40

Sequel to KOTOR with Sarge 42's assist: The story continues

Remember to sight edit. Toward the end of the prologue, you began using the wrong words (and instead of an, that kind of thing) and during the actual fight itself it needed serious polishing. Nothing actually bad, just that you should never use extra words when you don't have to.

Technical note, lightsaber styles: The problem with naming styles of fighting is that they are something only those who know actual that form of fighting would know. The different lightsaber stances and styles have never actually been used where we can see them, or at least never identified as such. If you remember the Princess Bride scene, Inigo Montoya and the masked man are constantly trading actual sword fighting style names during their bout. But unless you know the difference in those styles, it's just name dropping.

The first chapter covers what we all know, but there are 43 more chapters to read.


Pre KOTOR: Bastila says goodbye to Revan, she thinks...

The piece was well done, despite no proofreading. The characterization of Vrook's comment suggests to me that either he was always whining about the masters when he was still a Knight, and now he's going to set it all straight; or he was always so sure of his own views that no one junior has a right to complain.

We don't know for sure if Bastila knew Revan previously, but the idea that she had fallen in love with the woman when she did makes the scene more poignant.

Pick of the Week

I Think I Love You, or Maybe It's Plyridian Fever

TSL On Dxun: Does she love me? Or is it the sickness?

I usually don't read more than the first chapter, but this on intrigued me because the first chapter was pretty much 'let's find out if we like each other' and had no mention of the illness of the title. What the hell, just over 2,000 words, so I did.

And I was glad I did. The scene where Atton catches her kissing Mical was fun enough, but having Hanharr trying to defend himself from her was a riot. The end was pure Atton.

Best of the Week

Tale of Two Sabers: Kade Bard and Samantha Tristar

Technical note. Uniform dress: Unless you are actually deploying or returning from a deployment, you wouldn't be walking around in full armor. That includes helmets. When you are aboard ship, you would be in undress uniform.

The piece had a unique flavor to it, having there be two Revans has been done, but rarely so well.

A Pleasant Reader

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Someone was watching out for her

The only negative I have is the original characterization of your Exile. She was a general for the better part of four years during the wars, and no officer survives that much time in command by being totally clueless.

The Attempted Taming of the Jedi
Marianne Bennet

KOTOR on Taris: He knows she wants him

Technical note, military courtesy: The one scene that didn't play well for me in KOTOR is when Carth comes down on Bastila for her attitude. It isn't that she didn't deserve to be told off, it's merely that when a junior officer does so, they would preface the comment with the phrase, 'with all due respect', and since Carth did not ask permission to speak freely, he would get reamed in real life.

The piece is a lot of fun when you remember the play the scenes are based on. Petruccio had it easier, though.

Pick of the Week

Revanchist Journey

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins with a dream

The piece needs sight editing and polishing. It comes across as disjointed, especially the fight scenes.

The intro was interesting because since we know nothing about the character before Trask arrives, you carried that blankness into the story itself.

Star Wars The Grunts

Clone Wars era: A new trooper joins an outfit right before the hammer falls

The piece needs sight editing, because you not only use the wrong words (shinned instead of shined) but forget to finish sentences. Don't feel too bad about it, when I get into the flow, I forget it too. Just remember to edit, and no one will know...

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:37 AM   #1409
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You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.
I think you misunderstood. It is "seal" Vital Points, not steal. According to traditional Chinese medical science, a body has several Vital Points, and if you hit them in a certain way, it can paralyze you, cause you death or make you stronger or stop the flaw of (poisonous) blood. It is a genre convention for Wuxia, like the force is for Star Wars. That was my mistake. Because I also post the story at a Wuxia site, I had forgot to give explanation. I should had a * and explained it below the story.
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Old 06-09-2014, 10:46 AM   #1410
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Battle of Two Giants (Historical Fiction)

Watch for redundancy. Saying a man is able and then capable is redundant. It is also redundant to say what the honor guard at the tent are armed with; a soldier walking a perimeter is armed as he would be in the field, so saying he's carrying this and that is not necessary.

Unlike the modern day, soldiers did not wear their helmets every minute on a deployment. A general or King standing in his own tent before a battle would have set it aside.

Lightning lights an area. Thunder is the noise. 'So, it is mine, not yours, the fault' should be 'The fault is mine, not yours'.

You are adding elements of Wuxia to the work, and not in a good way. Sure Alexander is young and fit, but killing tens of men in a single engagement is not realistic. The scene where he killed the elephant by stabbing it in the head is even less realistic. A modern steel sword would have trouble penetrating an elephant's skull, and just a common steel sword won't exist for almost a millennia. If you have seen Return of the King Legolas does not aim at the head of the Oliphant he kills with an arrow, he instead aims at the spine behind the head, severing it. You also have General Yadu using what are obviously Wuxia moves.

This wasn't too bad really.

Prompt 87: Food
For Love of Sunflowers

Clone Wars Era: The way to a man's heart...

The piece was tightly written, much better than the last one of yours I reviewed. The characterization of the girl is almost non-existent, but having her be half Mando'a and speaking the language made her different.

I liked how, like most of the women who meet them, she chose one specific one she liked best.

KOTOR2 The Journey Continues
Da bad Guy

Post TSL: The Exile has to follow alone. Of course people had other ideas...

The piece was short enough for me to read it all. Remember to site edit, checking especially for cumbersome sentence structure and grammar. People are in their positions, not there for example.

When she told them before leaving, I knew someone would stowaway. One I anticipated, the other not. The one person I did expect, but who did not, was Mira...

Star Wars Republic Commando 2: Rebellion
The Typer

Starting 2 years into the Clone wars:

Remember to sight edit. In your case, in the intro you had written you pretty much repeated yourself four time about the brotherhood bond. Once was quite sufficient. You also mentioned that Sev was who they had lost several times.

Also remember conversation breaks. You only missed one in the first chapter, but it was in a noticeable location.

Also two things; first, As much as you have an 'eye in the sky' adviser in the game, in real life it doesn't work that way. When you go into combat, you have the information on hand, and a lot of times, it is scanty. As an example, WEB Griffin in one of his Corps books has the briefing officer saying 'and the enemy is known to be here', then waving vaguely at the rest of the Islands West of Guadalcanal. Second it would be more logical to have a translator built in with the local language installed rather than having to contact your adviser.

The piece is a very dry rendition of the situation. Boss comes across with a 'been there, done that, didn't bother to buy a shirt' you'd expect from someone who has been in and out of combat for two years. Very well done beyond the comments above.

22 Chapters more.

Crushed and Pained

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Saved, and he doesn't even know who she is

Remember to check your grammar, and remember to sight edit, you left out the word die when the other Jedi was healing him.

Wakkomonkey does what most of us never did; making Nihilus a personable human being before he became the Lord of Hunger.

Pick of the Week

Revan's Shadow

Beginning Pre Mandalorian Wars: The beginning of Revan's Saga as a Jedi

Rescue fleet? From what I have seen of the Republic in the SW universe, they couldn't, as the old saying goes, organize a bottle party in a brewery. S&R (Search and Rescue)is usually a locally organized and operated function and pretty much one that crosses international borders, so say if a Korean ship in the ocean near China sends a distress signal, every ship whatever nationality that hears that signal will immediately head toward her.

Also, with something falling from orbit, the rescue ships would more likely destroy it rather than let it crash. The only reason we just let satellites fall back into the atmosphere is because we have no such organization policing it. So allowing it to crash would cause unnecessary casualties. As much as some might say there are no warships with the fleet in question, note that the implications made in the story suggest it was an attack, meaning they would send warships as surely as the police would be sent in if it were a typical terrorist attack.

Technical note, 'He's too old': I am constantly wondering if this is a hard and fast rule, or only a guideline? The primary reason I think age would be used in selecting who would be trained is more to remove countervailing interests. A child taken from a family at say age three to seven would remember their family only as hazy memories, so anything they did, either good or bad would be just memories of the past, and would not have the full force of someone you can still interact with today.

Note the meeting between Helena Shan and Bastila; someone she had not seen in over a decade. The recrimination and acrimony is there, but it has softened with the passage of time. Of course in that case, not softened too much.

My favorite scene was Kreia merely saying 'steal a speeder' as if it's an everyday occurrence between her and Vrook.

I had to read into the first actual chapter because the prologue was so short. But with 33 chapters total, and this is only Revan as a child, it looks good.

the finding of waysThe Old Republic

Set in TOR:

Remember a name is always capitalized. So Nick spade should be Spade.

Remember also to read and sight edit. You start off almost immediately with cumbersome sentences, some of which don't even make sense. You also use the wrong words several times. Fallow means land that has been plowed and harrowed but left uncultivated, when you meant follow, herd is a grouping of animals, not something you heard there (Place) instead of their (personal).

Frankly a reader would have problems following what is going on. I use a river as an analogy for how a story should progress. The idea is to take the reader from the starting point to the end. There can be rapids, action in other words, snags which are emotional problems or difficulty (Think of Han Solo having to slam his fist into a panel in TESB), even blockages that impede them. But using incorrect wording or cumbersome sentences are all unnecessary stoppages. They slow the reader down, and if left uncorrected cause them to stop reading at all.

Technical note, maneuvering: When an aircraft chops power and sometimes pops their speed brakes, they will rapidly decelerate as you have described. However, in microgravity such as you have in space, the object will merely continue on it's original course at it's last speed. You would need a powerful engine to dump speed rapidly, and since most spacecraft do not have the space for an engine that is almost as powerful as it's main engine, this would not happen.

Technical note, smuggling into a war zone: If bullets are flying where you intend to deliver your cargo, there is a simple method to deal with it; don't land. It is one thing to arrive at your destination low on fuel and have to land, but no smuggler in his right mind will make the delivery when it's this hot, and would make sure he has more than enough fuel to escape. Sure it happens, but how much is this guy getting paid? It would be easier to return to the Hutts that hired him and tell them that he arrived in the middle of an invasion.

As an example, when the B17s being sent to Hawaii ran into the Japanese attack on Pearl harbor, they landed, but only because they were low on fuel. And even then several were shot at by the Americans on the ground because they were so alarmed by the attack, even though the Japanese never fielded a bomber as large as the 17.

Plus security is heightened during an attack. Traffic control would have warned him off rather than allow him to land, and if he had attempted it, they would have assumed he was a hostile and shot him down themselves.

Technical note, Notoriety: Even if Spade had smuggled into the Sith Empire, it is not likely he would be well known enough to be recognized without a data base. As an example, in the movie SWAT, you have a Colombian Drug lord enter the country, and it isn't until they run his ID through LEANET (Law Enforcement Agency Network; where records of all American Police agencies is stored) that they identify him.

Technical note, Losing the capital: Losing your capital whether it is a city or a planet is not going to have the war just end. The United States fought on after Washington was sacked, the Chinese fought on even with Peking (Now Beijing) under occupation, and the list goes on. Wars are won by breaking the enemy's will to fight

Technical note, Time measurements: 24/7 fits the planet we're on, because thanks to the Europeans, we have a seven day week, and a full day from dawn to dawn is a bit over 24 hours. But there is no way to guarantee a time measurement on a galactic scale is going to use the same measurement. In David Weber's Honor Harrington universe for example, the Manticore system has three planets, and their 'year' is set by the capital planet which has a year equal to 1.67 of our own. But each planet has it's own year period and day period. Think of the fact that the Arabs, Jews, and most of the Asian nations of our own planet have years set by something other than the death of one man.

The basic story is all right, but you have the main character acting in a manner that is not consistent with the characterization. Han Solo for example was well portrayed in the original movie and only got into the adventure itself at first because of the idea that he would get a monetary reward by rescuing the Princess.

Just One of Those Days

9 years Post KOTOR: The title says it all

You tend to occasionally run words together. That is no big problem, since it's easily corrected with either a spell check or sight edit. I do it myself occasionally.

As someone reviewing works, the length was daunting. But it was enjoyable. My primary question is what was with the feeling in the stomach? I had thought it might be something else...

Pick of the Week

KOTOR, The Epic Journey: Waking Up

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins

The scenes are well written, and the description of the attack well thought out.

I honestly wish you had continued.

Kotor: A Sith Story

KOTOR on Korriban: A Sith student has his own way to earn prestige

Remember to sight edit. There were a few sentences in the first chapter where you left out words, which made it a confusing read.

When I saw the length, I was daunted. Over 43,000 words in one massive block. That is almost novel length! I did read as far as the end of the first chapter though, and I am glad I did. The author has some unique perspectives on not only the Sith, but on the lifestyles of the average citizen of the planet.

I had always been bothered that Korriban is merely the nearby town the Academy, and the Valley. It's like thinking that California is only the City of Los Angeles. The author instead created the idea that Dreshdae is merely one of many enclosed towns on the planet, which makes sense.

The discussion group could be in the Jedi Academy, with a teacher enumerating the different species that are harder to deal with due to their own physiology or mental make up. I could see Vandar or Yoda giving the same lecture for pretty much the same purpose. The one thing I thought was really funny was the playful 'I'm going to kill you now' scenes with the main character, and the girl he's sleeping with. It reminded me of the scenes in the old Pink Panther Movies where Kato is constantly trying to attack his boss, without the cheating Clouseau always used to keep himself from being beaten.

The Enemy's Hand

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A research station comes under attack

The piece has the feel of an old Frankenstein movie with the villagers attacking at the start. The professor inside is so focused on his genetics experiments that he created a layer of interference that stopped him from being notified of the attack until it was too late.

The soldiers came across as just a group in a hopeless situation expecting to sell their lives dearly. The only negative I had with the piece is the attacking formation comes across as something out of the Clone Wars with their rigid formations. In real life you would not march into battle in neat rank and file, you would deploy into lines and be seeking cover instead.

The Sith Stalker Chronicles

TFUUS: After killing Vader, Galen fails against Palpatine

I have never played TFU in any form; not enough memory or graphics on my system. So I don't know how close the stor is to the game itself. The piece is well written, with only one negative I can see, and that could merely be a condemnation of the game concept. That is the 'ultimate loyalty' drug Palpatine uses.

First, it is a known fact that chemical brainwashing limits the abilities of anyone treated by it. If you are unclear on what I mean, read my own Family of Choice. That is why psychological methods are used today, because there is no drug that inhibits the person's mind. Plus, since they have to deal with people who would try to drug or poison them, it would be difficult to create such a drug without people who are Force capable to test it on.

Second, and more important, there are too many dictators and do gooders on this planet right now for me to be comfortable with such a chemical. As an example of what I mean for the do gooders, watch the scenes set on Miranda in the movie Serenity. A government trying to, as Malcolm says, 'make people better' that instead causes the deaths of thirty million. It wasn't the fact that they died that they were concealing; it was that they had tried at all.

Call Me a Sinner, Call Me a Saint Book: 1

Pre Mandalorian wars: The first strike into the Republic

The piece is short, and all of the problems I saw were technical.

Technical note, Enemy Identification: It is unlikely that the ships would not be identified by the observers. The Mandalorians are known, and should have commerce with their neighbors, and any intelligence network worthy of the name would have seen and recorded warships they had passed. As an example, the British knew the Germans were building the Bismarck thought they did not know her exact specifics, as the US knew the Japanese were building the Yamato Class battleships.

Fighters, yes, they could still be a secret. The A6M Zero had been seen, but there was not a lot known about it's flight characteristics.

Technical note, communications: The idea that you would get an enemy signal suggests that they are transmitting in clear, with no encryption at all. A modern fighter or warship of our own era uses what is called frequency agile technology, jumping in a preset frequency pattern so that all you will get as an enemy is an occasional word.

Technical note, blocking their escape: Unlike the Star Trek Universe, the Star Wars Universe does not use hyper drive in a system, and it would be unlikely that a unit would come in behind them, though possible

The author made an assumption that might sound wrong, but did intrigue me. The idea that thanks to the war of Exar Kun, the Republic no longer fully trusted the Jedi.

I just wish you had carried it on. It sounds good so far.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-16-2014, 09:45 AM   #1411
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The Target
Metropolis Kid

Pre KOTOR: HK47 carries out an assignment

Remember to sight edit. You had some grammar mistakes, two instead of too, that kind of thing.

As for the robot's attitude about human existence, it mirrors the sociopath's. Things are in his mind what he wishes it to be, not reality. Every comment from 'good and bad' to sex is mirrored there.

Of course, I always wondered about his programmer. Was it Revan who created him and his personality? Of is he like C3P0 and R2D2 just left without a memory wipe for too long?

Maulkiller: A Prequel to The Force Unleashed II
Feral Mutant Creed

Between TFU parts: Vader tries to mix Maul and Starkiller

Remember to sight edit, and especially watch for redundancies. 'But however' is such a case. One or the other, not both. Also remember conversation breaks. When a reader runs into conversations run together, they sometimes lose track of who is speaking, and this causes frustration.

Technical note, Other cloning methods and facilities: By reading the Wookiepedia articles on both Kamino and cloning itself, I noticed that Kamino was fully under Imperial control, meaning it is unlikely that Vader could have commissioned the clone you describe without the fact being known to the Emperor. He would more likely have gotten one of the SPAARTI cylinders, and located it somewhere else. He might have also considered creating a clone of his own at that time.

The SPAARTI process is also faster, from a year to only a few weeks instead of ten years for a fully adult clone.

Technical note, Clone 'programming': The original clones were made as more docile and obedient copies of Jango Fett. The article on cloning speaks of not only this, but also 'inhibitor' chips to assure loyalty. Whatever procedure was used by his creator, your Maulkiller would have had one installed because Vader would not wish that it would go the same way as Starkiller had.

The last dig by Maulkiller was the best.

Kyria Nyriese

Post KOTOR: Revan's journey to the Unknown Regions starts where her fall began

The author is older than most I have read here, and the style shows it. There are minor problems a sight edit would cure, but the piece has a crisp neat style

When I wrote my own version of TSL, Return From Exile, I also had Revan stop at the Trayus Academy. However she switched out ships there, which is how I explained Kreia having the Ebon Hawk at the start of TSL. I also had her bring Canderous with her, until she abandons him with the helmet of Mand'alor. Her discussion here with him should have happened a lot earlier in my mind. But that is just one writer saying it's in the wrong place, not an actual dig.

Pick of the Week

For The Right Reason
Alpha Vegetable

KOTOR AU on Taris: The survivors of the Endar Spire plan their search

The piece has an interesting twist. Revan never went to war, but knows Malak best, explaining her assignment as master. Having them trade places, Revan having been captured with Bastila looking for her instead makes Bastila less abrasive.

The primary negative I have is that as her apprentice, Bastila should have a Force link to her. Perhaps the collar is interfering with it, but if so, why not mention it?

Thirty chapters long, just the first one was interesting.

Not That Different

TSL before their meeting: Visas seeks her death at the hands of what she calls the Echo.

I was a bit confused about her life before and directly after her capture by Nihilus. The scenes you describe don't make a lot of sense in a natural environment, because you have her (and I assume everyone else) running around nude pretty much all the time until the death of her world. You have her ignoring every other sense to concentrate only on the Force, which is not really a survival trait, even going as far as having her ignore taste, which is what makes us have favorite foods.

I'm not saying such a society cannot exist, merely that it is unlikely.

The style is well executed, and holding the one secret she has not told her master about is a warm touch.

The Queen's Advisor

Pre TSL on Onderon: Kavar is met by the Queen

While Talia comes across as a young girl hoping for her romantic visions to come true, the piece went very well. As the author mentioned, there are a lot of clues that suggest that the pair had a relationship beyond the professional, and the author brings it out even here at the start.

Fifteen chapters long, and I wish I could keep reading.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Tales of the Vigilant

Five years pre TOR: A prison break, and a search for revenge

The piece is very nicely done, the two main characters well wrought. Mercy reminds me of a mixture of River Tam from the Firefly televison show and DeeDee from Dexter's Lab(OOH, what does this do?). The Captain of every professional unjustly imprisoned hungering for her revenge.

I wish it had been longer. Say a dozen chapters longer. In fact it gave me the characterization for a character I need to build a story for.

Best of the Week

Force Unleashed: Trial Of Self

Set in TFU: Starkiller goes to the Temple of the Jedi, in search of the truth about his father

The same sight editing problems mentioned previously. Hallow (Bless) instead of hollow (Empty), and not finishing sentences.

The fight scene was very well portrayed. The only negative I had was that a place like the Jedi temple would have guards who should report immediately, rather than when they had been close to being annihilated. Picture this:

The US government has a lab where they had until recently concealed a crashed UFO. While the ship itself is no longer there, some of the data still is. A team of people trying to find out the truth invade it. The invasion would be reported immediately, even as the defenders are preparing to fight back.


KOTOE on Star Forge: The climactic battle

Remember to sight edit. You have confusing sentences that cause a reader to go back and reread them to make sure.

One interesting twist was making it the attack a larger evolution; scores of Troops, and dozens of Jedi. The only negative I had was having Malak die pretty much the way Dooku did in ROTS.


KOTOR on Ebon Hawk: You screamed what name?

I cracked up at the start of it. We all know Revan would have to eventually know, and having her and Bastila as lovers when it is revealed was a fun touch. I especially liked the author's quick save when Kiera said she knew lovers sometimes did that, then backpedaled to say she had heard that they did instead.

The rest was pretty much what you would anticipate; the hurt partner stay away, the other wishing she could fix it somehow until they are finally reunited. The end was funny with Bastlia replying ingenuously that maybe next time she'll scream Vandar's name...

Pick of the Week

The Failure of a Jedi

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi must learn, or the Council will take steps.

The piece has an interesting feel to it. We have the girl who will become the Exile still an apprentice at age 19. The one thing it reminds me of is a class I took in the Guilds and Trades of England under Queen Elizabeth, because of the Masters deciding that Kavar is not doing his job. And like those ancient guilds, if he will not do it, they will.

It's rare that I address the author directly, but after reading this, I read the profile. This person decided to post this with some misgivings because they are worried about the idea that people might not like it. First, remember, that as Ted White told Robert Heinlein when he decided to stop writing, 'a writer writes. He might not be selling, he might be spinning his wheels, but he never stops.”

Don't worry overmuch about how your audience perceives your work. I have been posting on Lucasforums since mid 2004 and been their critic since October of 2005 If I merely stopped posting when people stopped commenting I would have stopped back before this story of yours was first published here. You can never please everyone, so don't try. Set your course, lay out your story, publish it and dare them to say you're wrong. But if they do, demand that they say publicly why!

One of my own; Dxun Memories, was lambasted by exactly one reader who defined it as a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is when you put in a character who is so much more knowledgeable than the regular characters. My reply was simple. Ground combat, and the resultant landings are a different skill set than naval command. Revan in my stories was an Admiral; Marai, my Exile was a hands on soldier. Before World War Two, and during the first year of that war, an amphibious landing was done with standard solid prowed boats, and everything was unloaded by hand.

While the Marines are 'naval' troops, with an Admiral in charge, it was no longer merely a landing ala Horatio Hornblower. Read my Genesis of a Jedi, especially the last chapter, which I warn is actual history, and shows the difference between an Admiral and the ground pounders who land and wrest the land from the enemy.

So write the rest of this story. I for one want to see it.

Pick of the Week

It's a Terrible Thing To Fall
Replica Velocity a.k.a. X5 714

KOTOR AU: Revan faces an enemy she will not even fight, her true love

The piece is an interesting one. The idea of having Carth be the one who was captured and falls. But, as the author points out, The idea is possible, and only his not being a Force user would have stopped it.

It is a nicely done dark piece, Carth is someone she would not want to kill, even if he had fallen, and without Bastila's battle mediation, the enemy still has overwhelming firepower as long as the ships built by the Star Forge last.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-23-2014, 11:45 PM   #1412
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Another time, Another place, Another life
Chevron 7 Locke

No specific era given: One shots about alternate possibilities

Chev always delivers, and this was no exception. It's a pity I am running too late, I would have liked to read the second one too.

Good Enough
Kila Brija

Post KOTOR: It isn't if he feels she's good enough, it is does she fell she is.

The piece is a nice bit of fluff. Him complaining about her flinching when she remembers who she had been, and her using it just to tease him. But the meat of it is when she's in the fresher, and decides, she will go in with life anyway, and he will be in her life...

Why the Mandalorians lost the Wars

Post Mandalorian Wars: The real reason they lost the war

The piece surprised me, especially the comment that 'oh they'll never know if you don't tell them' followed by angry copy-write owners mobbing her.

The first vignette was funny and outrageous, 'take the red one, it tastes like Strawberries!' but Manda'lor takes the blue one instead, claiming she's trying to trick him and Mandalorians don't like strawberries anyway, meanwhile ignoring her monologuing like a villain from the Incredibles.

Then a man desperate to pee using a barrel full of whiskey for the deed, which ruins the last toast for Manda'lor, and gets him killed. With Vrook in one scene wafting through the commander's quarters looking for strawberries...

Knights of the Old Republic: The Jedi Civil War

Pre KOTOR: Bastila begins the process of finding Revan's immediate past

I did not have time to read beyond the first chapter, and the only negative I had in it was her injuries. A leg almost severed at the knee is not going to be fixed with a quick swim in a kolto tank, after all.

But from what I did read, I wonder what happens in the next 19 chapters, since the Jedi Civil War itself is only skimmed over.

KOTOR: Return From Darkness
Candle in the Night

KOTOR AU: Revan returns home from the wars, not sure what he will face.

The piece is nicely written in this first chapter, well done for a first fan fic. My only negative is that the Ebon Hawk would still have been in the hands of the smuggler that had owned it before Davik Kang stole it.

Pick of the Week

When You're Stupid

TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, leaving his love alone

The piece needs sight editing, as you used incorrect words on occasion, no big problem, I do it myself on occasion.

I agree with the author that the game was poorly written and rushed. There are scenes that drag on to no purpose (The confrontation with the Masters pretty much boiled down to, 'we were wrong, but we were still right to exile you', so there for example) and while I have always run the game as a female character, I have never deepened the relationship with Atton beyond having him as a member of the crew, so this is one cut scene I have never seen.

In fact it was my reaction to what I perceived as being wrong that caused me to write my own novelization back in 2006.

Revan and Carth Star Forge

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Amidst death and destruction, love will still find a way

The piece is short, and the internal monologues segue very well. Not my cup of tea exactly, but a nice pit of fluff.

The Intensity

TSL after Kreia's death: Some choices are no choice at all

Remember conversation breaks. The piece was short, but when you forget them, you break the reader's train of thought, and sometime, if it is done too often (I reviewed one person a few years ago who had three different people talking in the exact same paragraph) they become frustrated.

I liked the option of taking Kreia's body along, which is not offered in the game.

Matthew Summers

Pre KOTOR, attack on Telos: Revan must learn to accept what she is causing

A very dark study, with little light to it. The idea that the Sith actually teach a way to divorce yourself from the Force so you do not feel the anguish you cause was a surprise to me. I would think the average Sith would revel in the pain of others that they caused. I picture Shaardan at Korriban with his test no one can pass until Revan strolls by and stops him, or Lashowe expecting to be entertained with an 'or else' unsaid.

But she finally accepts what she is causing, and Telos burns...

Best of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: Return of Revan

Post TSL: With the Sith Fleet no longer attacking, the Republic licks it's wounds, and wonders why.

The piece has it's odd moments, having the relationship between Revan and Bastila more like lovers rather than master-apprentice for one. The idea that they had not murdered the Jedi makes me wonder about Mission, since Zaalbar is still with them, and I would hope that in one of the subsequent unread chapters, there is an answer to that question.

But we have a purpose to Revan's search now. Not a group, but a single man...

Pick of the Week

To Atone

Post Mandalorian Wars: The exile returns to accept her responsibilty for what has occurred

The piece is an interesting study of why the woman who would later be Exiled returns. As I mentioned in my own Return From Exile, she feels she has wronged the Jedi order, and must allow herself to be punished. But as she is willing to return, she still hope Revan will go with her.

The Demon Moon

TSL on Dxun: The Handmaiden watches her new master with wonder

The author took the section on Dxun and converted it to ten chapters; about as long as my own version, Return from Exile.

I like the dialogue between her and Mira, though I took care of the 'listening' before they left Nar Shaddaa, and the offhand comment about how to get a man I not only used, I incorporated in my own work.

I like the author's take on how he has kept up his training without the force, and his stubborn refusal to accept the title of Jedi, even when he, like my own, embodies their teachings.

Ten chapters, definitely worth reading.

Pick of the Week

Revan: Departure

Post KOTOR: There is no rest for our hero

The first chapter is merely their return to Coruscant, but even that was interesting. Told in present interspersed with flashbacks, start when he and Malak were young students, ending with the death of his friend on the Star Forge.

I especially liked the idea that he shared that last drink at the end of chapter 1 with his old friend's spirit.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-27-2014, 09:49 AM   #1413
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Have just replaced my computer. Used Window 'Easy transfer', but found out it doesn't move programs, so I have to go in, redownload my programs (Starting with Open Office since I refuse to pay for Word even if it's on the damn machine) so I'm letting you know I may be running late enough that I will not complete my reviews for this week on time. Will start early next week, and put out a double instead.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-07-2014, 10:23 PM   #1414
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Atton's night out

Post TSL: Sometimes, you just want to get back to what it was like before

The piece was an interesting look at what an ex- or maybe not too ex- scoundrel might get up to. The only real negative I had with it was the rancor, since anything that big isn't going to even notice most weapons a human being can carry. Wish it had been continued, because now suddenly he has to go back into that hell hole to get out the family of the kid he rescued.

Meet the Parent

Post KOTOR: Like a lion in her den...

The piece started off with an oddity. You remove the memories from the main character, send him off on what is to all intents and purposes a forlorn hope, and when he gets back alive, you're upset that he doesn't remember things his previous persona would have known! I would have been even more upset if I didn't know some of the really stupid crap the US government has done... Think of a UN Ambassador calling on the Jews and Arabs to stop fighting 'like good Christians'.

Then the scene that really got me giggling. Helena literally playing emotional crack the whip both her daughter and her beau.

And the Bet was cute too!

Pick of the Week

Living the Code

No specific era given: How a Jedi woman controls her man

The piece was fun because like any man who has had a relationship, the first thing you notice is the things they try to change in you. I was reminded after the great diet change it starts with that your most likely to be murdered by your nearest and dearest. Maybe even over your favorite cereal.

After a while, it became easier, even as the relationships do. By the end, you knew how it would turn out, but you will probably like the ending.

Pick of the Week


TSL On Nar Shaddaa: What if someone else wanted the kidnapped girl Adana?

Remember to sight edit and always remember conversation breaks. That ensures a smooth flow to the work.

The piece reads more like a police procedural. Not a real ding; Ed McBain's 87th Precinct books made the term well know. What you did was what I had done in my own Genesis, though I used Sasha from Dantooine.

Here I am
Revan Nonaka

Post KOTOR: One thing left undone

The author is Norwegian, and since I have to use a translator program to even try to write in that language, I cannot ding them on spelling, grammar etc.

The basic premise is interesting; After the Star Forge, he finally completes the quest to retrieve the holocron of Bastila's father.

KOTOR: Echoes of the Force

Sequel to Whispers of the Force: Things are not going well

Two things, both technical:

First, a blind jump means you don't know where you're going, so how did the enemy find them?

Second, remember that internal hyperdrives for fighters won't exist for almost 4,000 years.

The action is hot an heavy, and the prologue ends with a cliffhanger. The most interesting thought is that with this character, the force seems to actually speak to him.

Start of an Exile
Shadows Of The Storm

Technical note, Armor: As much as people like to think of it as possible, armor of any kind is more bulky that normal clothes. Including the Second Chance Kevlar T shirt. So anyone who knows that would automatically notice it even if it 'appears' to be a frock.

Technical note, Embassies: It doesn't make sense to have an embassy for the government in their own capitol. The State Department by whatever name would handle all such contacts.

The idea that the Exile is hired by the Republic not long after is new to me. Having read some of what has gone before, it's nice to know which of the three girls from the previous stores is the actual Exile.

Wrong Door

KOTOR on Taris: Running through the base

The one way to get through the base, sneaking only one person in, never really comes up in the game. It was a fun look. The author remarked on the one thing I used when I wrote my own KOTOR novel, the way to deal with muscle memory.

Unless a person has complete catastrophic brain injuries, any talent they had is still there, and be accessed merely by attempting it. A soldier with amnesia usually still knows how to operate the equipment he had been trained with, a singer can still sing (Reference Jan Berry of Jan and Dean) and a pilot would recognize the situation and react even if he doesn't remember flying before.

Exiled: Jedi Report
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre TSL on Coruscant: She never expected to meet him again

I still have problems with the clothing, and especially when she meets the Jedi Master. If you have a bounty hunter in the full rig usually shown down to helmet, you could have people meet under these circumstances and perhaps they won'y recognize each other. Moreover, if you are spending any long period of time together, the clues add up. Watch the live action movie Green Lantern where the girl immediately recognizes him even with the mask

As usual, no time to read it all, but an interesting turn of events

What's In A Name
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre TSL On Tatooine: The Exile redefines what remains of her life

The piece is nicely dark, and her feelings have been shared by many that have had their former lives torn away. The idea that the 'innocent have just not been caught' is an old one.

Best of the week


Set during the Clone Wars: A misson goes awry when one of the clones is bitten by a local bug

Remember to sight edit, as you use the wrong words sometime (Guaranty rather than guarantee) and always remember conversation breaks. A story should flow like a river, and when you forget them, you cause unnecessary chop.

The situation so far in chapter one is a basic one, but worth following.

Myosotis Redux

Pre KOTOR: She just decided it's a vacation

Technical note, police procedure: In the game Manaan was listed as a neutral, neither Sith nor Republic world. Therefore a Republic cop would have no authority to arrest or detain her while she is there. If you need an example, look at Ira Einhorn, the 'Unicorn killer'. Charged with murder, he had fled the country for France. It took almost a decade before the US was able to have him extradited.

However the Star War universe does have an alternative you didn't consider, and that is a bounty hunter. An interesting way to set up the game. The only thing I am curious about, is that since she was so forceful in attempting to conquer the Republic, why would she give all of that up just to go through the crap she does deal with in chapter one?

KotoR StoryThe True Sith Come

7 years Post TSL: The enemy finally comes

The first chapter had both good and bad moments. The bad is the idea that the reconstruction absolutely needs the Jedi as part of it. It makes the people of the Republic look like a group of wimps.

What I did like is the idea I surmise that the enemy feels weak enough that they have to trick at least one Jedi into coming to the Exile's rescue to test their capabilities.

Past Epilogue
The Passionate Admiral

Six years post TSL: The combined crews from both games go on a mission

Two things, one technical, the other a commentary on the scene from Chapter 2

Technical note, Crew complement: A ship because of it's limited resources, can only hold so many people. For a trip of any real duration, you must balance what the ship can supply; food, water if only for drinking and cooking, recycling capability (Both water and waste) and especially enough room to be able to do more than stand while she is underway. Note that are only six bunks (Seven with the one in sick bay) on board. That means you are carrying three times her normal crew complement even if you assume the bunk in the sickbay is someone's bed at least eight hours of the time. That is the reason why the crew in each game in limited to seven (and two or three droids) for the ship, it is what can be quartered without discomfort.

The German navy of WWII was known for 'hot bunking'; having people share bunks, with one crewman sleeping, another taking his place after eight hours, but you have three people doing so per bunk just to have room for them all to sleep. It would be bad enough with just the crews of the ship on her previous missions (fourteen, with either Hanharr or Mical as alternates).

This does not mean you could not shoehorn 22 people into her, it's just if the trip is very long (More than a couple of days), you will arrive tired, frustrated, and willing to kill anything that gets in your way once the ramp comes down. In my own Return from Exile, My Exile Marai Devos did overload her to travel from Dantooine to Telos, but I know she didn't assume they would also be coming back. It was an emergency situation.

Read David Weber's where the main character is trying to organize the evacuation of over two million people from an enemy prison, and she is not sure she can lift them all until the end. Every ship is carrying 200 percent of their core crews, and even then, it was a balance of capacity and being able to fight the ships if necessary.

I can't see Nar Shaddaa as any other world, any more than I can See Tortuga under the Pirates of the 16th and 17th century as just some other settlement.

Vibroblades and Mirrors
Mister Buch

TSL on Malachor V: the final confrontation from several points of view

The piece makes me wish I had time to read all of the chapters. In a few sentences, the Author give you a believable running dialogue from Atton's view, and that's just chapter one. I did pretty much the same thing in my own Return From Exile, but only on the march from the ship to the Academy.

Pick of the Week

The Last Crusade

AU Mainly Pre Mandalorian wars: Master and apprentice.

Again, I'm wishing for more time. Though the prologue is basically generic, the idea of them being master and apprentice is a new thing in my reading here so far. To face someone you had once trusted as an enemy is a perfect aperitif for what I know will follow...

Pick of the Week

Kayashi K'oyayci

KOTOR on Dantooine: Hunting and reminiscences

The piece is a typical slice of life hunting story, or so it would seem from the start, but I liked it a lot. In my own KOTOR and TSL works, I treated the Mandalorians like people, rather than mindless thugs, and while I never carried it through in Return From Exile, I had Carth and Canderous reminiscing like this.

I especially enjoyed the 'liver' scene. If you have ever read Jingo by Terry Pratchett, they have a scene where a guest is given sheep's eyeballs to eat, and his reply is that they pick something disgusting as a joke, which is what Canderous is pulling here with Carth.


KOTOR starting at the Star Forge: They will be together, no matter what

The piece needs polishing. The scene when they reach the ship comes over as trite for example.

But you redeemed it when Bastila and Revan talk. Thirteen chapter, worth a read.

I Bastila
Futility Reigns

Pre KOTOR: Choices

The piece has a calm 'and now it begins' feel to it. The primary negative I had with chapter one is the comment about a Jedi who never feels the Force directing them, which is sort of an oxymoron, since unlike a religious order of our world, you have to be connected to the Force beyond merely giving lip service to it.

The attack when it comes is expected, and why she does what she does perfectly understandable.

The Ebon Hawk Instant Messaging Archive

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A look behind the scenes

Being an old man, I have not been subsumed by the IM craze of today. But seeing some of what's happening through those eyes is kinda fun. Having Revan have to steal time on Bastila's computer was a fun bit, and having Bastila Force Persuaded using IMs cute.

Contingency Plans
Prisoner 24601

Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Some strings are being pulled in the background...

When Prisoner and Dinah Lance come onto the scene I know it will be good, albeit weird sometimes. Having Revan be a family name was good, and creating a rich old man in the background something unsuspected.

The conversation was something I especially liked because it highlights how little the people of the Republic fail to grasp about their one time enemy. Assuming that he is merely dealing with a hired thug, and the world weary attitude of Canderous who is quite used to that idea.

Only got to read the first chapter, damn it.

Pick of the Week


Pre KOTOR AU: They landed on the wrong ship...

The piece didn't surprise me really. If they had known the flagships, they should have hit the right one, so we have a deception played by their enemies, and fell for it. The only real confusion would have been if they hit Karath's ship instead, meaning an entirely wasted effort.

However once they are there, it flowed well, and you knew Bastila would put as much effort into saving Malak as she had in the original.

A Matter of Choice

KOTOR at Lehon: It does come down to choices

The piece was interesting, since as anyone can tell you, you can rationalize anything you do if you word it right. The idea that Carth will join her even if he didn't fall was almost a foregone conclusion.

A Pleasant Reader

Post TSL and return: It wasn't like they had set a date or anything

The piece snuck up on me because, as the title states, their thoughts, even going in opposite directions, create a harmony. Neither sure of what the other feels for them, and unwilling to make ther leap of assumption.

I hated having to stop. Two chapters to go.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-12-2014, 09:54 AM   #1415
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Star Wars Sacrifice

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl is chosen by the order

Remember to sight edit. There were several times where you forgot to complete sentences. You also jumped from present tense to past tense.

Technical note, hyperdrive: Since fighters didn't have internal hyper drive until after the Clone Wars, I assume the fighter mentioned had a warp ring of some kind, which would have had two docking procedures, one for the fighter and another for the ring.

The piece feels a bit rushed to me. I know Arren has to get her away before the attack, but she doesn't bother to inform the crew of their impending doom, merely grabs the girl to flee. But if she had seen her parent's ship killed by the Mandalorians, she would definitely have a reason to push for the Jedi to join the war later.

Knights of the Old Republic: Old Memories
Ardent Flame

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A Revan with a lot of his memories really intact fighte to escape the ship

Remember to sight edit. I know it was rewritten, but you missed some. Don't take that as a negative, I posted a story over at lucasforums and took three weeks to find a grammatical error of my own.

The basics, that he has salvaged his memories makes an interesting twist, especially his not letting anyone else know about it.

Jedi Don't Brood

Aboard Ebon Hawk: Well that didn't go as she had planned

Like any practical joker, Revan forgets that not everyone will see the joke as funny, though I chuckled when I read what she had done. And the title is so choice, because we've seen Anakin brood so often it reminded me of the line from the Clone Wars move. Asohka; 'You've got that look again' Anakin; 'There's a look?'

Pick of the Week

As a Friend

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Did she say what she thought she heard?

Having just read another short piece by the same author, I was ready, I thought. The one thing I like about the mods available for the KOTOR games has been the 'make a relationship possible', like a same sex pairing with Bastila. I didn't try it in KOTOR until I had used the one in TSL where you replace the Disciple with the Handmaiden, because quite frankly, I didn't like him enough to have him in my group.

The piece is funny because even with Bastila being deadly serious, I can see the author's character willing to push the envelope a little more.

I wonder if it would be possible to make one for Canderous and a female in either game?

Guardian Angel

Pre TSL: How much are you willing to give to save your brother?

The premise was outstanding, the actions by the Jedi perfectly reasonable.

When I wrote my own Return from Exile, I did a little figuring on the number of potential Jedi with a lot of givens, such as the level of midichlorians, number of Jedi known to be, number of known planets in the galaxy, etc, and came up with just under a million five. If you want my figures, go to the story, chapter 32. If you're using IE, just click edit, find and put in the word midichlorian.

Pick of the Week

Snowed In

Post KOTOR on Dantooine: They're snowed in... whatever will they do?

The piece was a nice little slice of life, and perfectly reasonable. Only two flaws.

The temperature scale you're using is obviously faerenheit, but like the month mentioned, they are both linked to our own planet. You could have said winter instead, and just not mentioned a specific temperature.

Incoming Fighters

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Bad day? Try a bad week or so...

Remember to sight edit. You were uneven with conversation breaks, sometimes working them perfectly, other times forgetting them. At one point you had three different people talking in the same paragraph for example.

Starting with a very bad gunnery run, the jokes and situations continue. Selling off the men's blasters because 'you're not using them anyway' segues to Jolee looking like a real ditz, Canderous smashing doors (And BTW they are hatches on a ship) and dumping too much salt into the food processor, and that's just the start.

The 'who trusts the other less' contest and the fact that she is more hung up on having been the Dasrk Lord were choice.

Veni Vidi Vichi

KOTOR After Leviathan: Sometimes you just need to talk to each other

The piece was cute in it's own way. Everyone trying one after another to get Revan to cheer up, though you only see Canderous and Carth here. The author is correct about Carth, because he does flirt with a female Revan almost immediately, balanced with his 'I don't trust anyone' attitude, So the author just cut to the chase as it were.

Advice over Pazaak
Veni Vidi Vichi

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine: Sometimes you just have to relax

Remember to sight edit, you used hour instead of our.

I never got into the game, or Yu Gi Oh, so I didn't notice the quote, sorry. But the reason I used the 'get Handmaiden as a female' was because I can't stand Disciple at all, so your own comment, about you want your dog to look like a dog fits him.

Just Her Silly Toy

Remember to sight edit. You used new instead of knew for example. You also had a sentence that didn't make sense because of the wording. That sentence, 'I wouldn't call it uncomfortable but it was comfortable either' should be wasn't even with English screaming about watching out for double negatives.

I rather liked the piece, each of the people remembering what really happened in the incidents that are told as lies, and Atton and Mical actually reconciling, if only in death...

KOTOR 2 Mhi Soulus Tome
The Hark-ness monster

TSL on Dxun: After landing for repairs, the crew of the Ebon Hawk meet the neighbors

Basically a generic retelling of the event. My primary negative is with the actual game elements. When you're writing a story, you should try to avoid things that remind people the this is from a game.

Also, while the basic style is good, you really didn't give us a lot of you in it so far. But then again, I only had time to read the intro chapter.

Another Story
Mike Canary

Six years Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira has returned home, but trouble is brewing...

The piece is well done, and the situation reminds me of any town when the old gangs have been destroyed, and new ones try to move into the vacuum.

While I had time only to read the first chapter, it gave me a lot to think about. The thugs merely thinking they can walk in and make demands is generic, but the reaction of the patrons after Mira had taken down the first man was choice.

The attack that followed made me wonder, because it speaks of a better tactical mind than you would anticipate for a simple gang. Sending in a decoy team to hopefully keep their opponent occupied so that the real team means she is not dealing with just any gang.
Sixteen chapters, definitely worth reading.

Best of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-21-2014, 10:25 PM   #1416
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Parallel Bars
Elriel Xillow-Onasi

Five years Post TSL: Heading home, Revan gets some advice on love from Canderous of all people

Remember to sight edit. You forgot the conversation breaks in one paragraph, then used predition instead of prediction.

That being said, the piece is nicely done, and tightly written. I enjoyed the interplay between Revan and Canderous, and the reasoning why Atton who is aboard, is so depressed. One of those I wish I could read all the way through. But there's nothing stopping you...

Pick of the Week

Heart of the Guardian

Post KOTOR: A gift for her love...

The piece is nicely done, and like any relationship, the one barb is accidental rather than intentional. It was interesting to see a Revan losing an eye in her battle against Malak, but she has accepted that loss. The teasing way to get her lover into bed was fun as well.

Pick of the Week

A message to Satele Shan

Generations after KOTOR: Revan's descendant receives a call to duty

The piece has an interesting feel to it. So much of what is past is still obscured, though if it is set right before TOR, it would be.

KotOR Passion and Chaos
LD Little Dragon

Pre-KOTOR: Carth's next mission is a bit vague

It is an interesting look at what came before. Carth being such a workaholic that the Admiral hands him her own credit card to get him to relax. Of course we all know who the woman is.

Canderous Cares
Elriel Xillow-Onasi

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Canderous is writing what???

An advice to the lovelorn column? After reading the constant shameless plugs, I was wondering how low he could sink until he comments on his mother's letter!

Tied for Best of the Week

Scriptor Sapiens

Clone Wars: Delta team has to deal with another Jedi. But this time they made one wrong assumption...

I thought the scene with the adviser was a bit much, primarily because while the team doesn't want to deal with any Jedi, he didn't bother to address the misconception Boss made.

Haven't kept up with my reading on the EU series, so I am not sure how often they might have dealt with the 'holier than thou' type of Jedi.

The Power of Revan
N7 Commando

Pre KOTOR: Revan escapes, but to where?

Remember to sight edit; you used threw instead of through, then good when you meant go. This is not a major ding, I posted part of one of my stories over at Lucasforums years ago, and had a reviewer point out that I had made a grammatical error, but didn't tell me what it was. It took me three weeks to find it.

So my mantra is reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

I had time to only read the first chapter, but it left me unsatisfied. Part of the reason is why Revan didn't merely surrender her ships upon arrival, which would have stopped the battle from even occurring. In WWII, U-boats still on patrol were ordered to surrender to the next military vessel they encountered, or failing that, to proceed to the first enemy port to surface and do the same.

Second, and very important, if the True Sith are so powerful, what makes you think they would be less powerful 4,000 years later?

Double Whammy
Renee Enderson

Pre KOTOR: If one crack on the head doesn't do it...

Except for the Dark Lord's obsession with a pink lightsaber, I thoroughly enjoyed the work. I had almost thought of the scene from Airplane where the stewardess is smacking everyone in the head with the guitar as she walks forward.

Pick of the Week

Mutual Attraction

7 Years Post KOTOR: An odd holocron may drive Revan mad

The main question is where did a holocron that has events that had not happened come from?

Except for that one question, an excellent first work.

The Runup

Post KOTOR: Everyone just has to have their say before the big day

I have been through this before with my first X, so I was able to relate. There is always that one who thinks it will be a disaster, the one young girl who is thinking of the party afterward, and where I was during it all, correcting the English of the kid who wrote last.

Pick of the Week

The Morning After

KOTOR on Manaan: In vino et veritas

The piece is a stereotypical view of the hungover remembering what happened the previous evening. The scenes were fun, though why she didn't give Kat a lap dance too made me wonder.

The only negative I had with it was the Jedi Council erasing the memories. Sexual orientation shouldn't matter, and I can't see having them run a revolving door system to deal with every kid who suddenly feels the first rush of hormones.

Tied for Best of the Week

Kotor Changed
Avatar 101

On Yavin, but watching what occurred during the Endar Spire battle: A revamp of history

Remember conversation breaks. Picture your story as a path through the town you live in. As the one walking, you pick your course, but there will be obstructions along the way you don't know about yet. When you forget conversation breaks, you as the author are throwing unnecessary ones in the way. Also remember to sight edit. You used shoot (As in using a gun) when you meant chute (Narrow passage) as an example.

It was an interesting take on the events aboard the ship. The one thing that bothered me was his mere acceptance that he had been reprogrammed by the Council.

I wish I could read further. What was in the message he sent before he was captured?

Definitely worth reading.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:31 AM   #1417
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Tales of a Shattered Order

Twenty Years Post KOTOR: As the order rebuilds, other problems begin to loom

Remember to sight edit. You used devises (Plans) instead of Devices (machine) and scarred (Having scars) instead of Scared (Frightened). This is not a major ding; part of the problem is I grew up using typewriters and having to redo entire pages if there were more than a few errors. Spell checkers actually caused me to have more problems when I finally woke up and smelled the 80s.

As for the ship he is flying, every ship built in the SW universe would not be designed exactly the same, even if they have the same class designation. Different companies, even different races would make different layouts.

You have treated the Mando'a right; not as thugs. My only question with Cain is why he didn't merely adopt the children, which is the custom. Since Atton knew they were dealing with the Mando'a, his reaction was a bit much; a Mando'a teacher would naturally use the situation as a teaching aid, and would not have seriously harmed her.

The situation is well set up.

Lonely Duty
Raze Flyn

Post KOTOR: True to his duty

Remember to sight edit, and remember punctuation. The very first sentence is almost devoid of such, and begs for at least one additional comma.

I enjoyed the idea that he does it all for the warrior he admires. Even being alone rather than following.

Rae Solo

Pre Mandalorian Wars: One thing leads to another

The piece is short and cute. It didn't surprise me that it segued from one activity to another, nor did the idea that both of them had pretty much decided something was going to happen come as a shock. After all, it's human nature.

Javan Ryder

KOTOR from Taris to Dxun: He thinks of might have been, even as he is true to his word.

The piece is a dry look at the mission from the view of Canderous. The one person who stood behind the main character because at first she was good, and the fact that she was Revan was incidental. The only one when you think about it that didn't have to rationalize his loyalty.

The one comment I didn't agree with was 'people who believe they can find honor in a profession that has none'. Except for some lapses in the last ten centuries, it was one of the most honorable, because people who needed an army, and couldn't afford the cost of maintaining one all the time, needed someone to defend them, regardless of what Machiavelli said.

The Whips and Scorns of Time
Auros Sohperai

1 Year Post TSL: The Exile finds Revan, but not where she expected

First, when Henry Stanley went in search of Dr. Livingstone in Africa, he faced the same problem. At the time, Africa was mainly an unknown, with little or nothing recorded about the region he intended to enter. All he had is, as Carl Sagan commented about the era of exploration, 'traveler's tales'. Look at the accounts of explorers where they merely drew a line on their map, and marked 'unexplored' on one side of it.

There are regional wines and beers primarily because they could no longer get the drinks they remembered from home. So having the bartender even know what a specific ale is would be like leaving the original 13 American Colonies heading west, crossing the Mississippi, finding a Spanish Mission in present day California, and expecting them to have a French Bordeaux from a specific vintner. Oh there would probably be something called a Bordeaux available, but it wouldn't be the same, which is why there are wines of that name bottled in South Africa, the Napa Valley, Argentina, and Australia.

The meeting with Revan was a bit of a letdown for me. Part of my problem is that I have a lot of knowledge about history, and the scene itself was confusing. If the True Sith were all powerful, waiting to face them makes little or no sense.

Half Life
Darth Yuthura

KOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Revenge is not always sweet

The fight was pretty generic as you commented, the problems I had with it were; 1, nomenclature. You have windows in buildings, you have ports in a ship. 2, throughout the SW universe, they mention transparisteel just as they use transparent aluminum in Star Trek. Both have the the advantage that unlike any form of glass, they are much stronger being metal. What you have here is someone thrown by an explosion into the hull of a ship like a modern day destroyer with a hull thickness of about 12mm, and having the hull shatter at the impact. 3: An explosive decompression would have caused every unarmored person in the compartment to be affected. So having the Jedi and Carth ready to react faster than the surviving troopers is not proper.

The writing style is good, though you had some grammatical errors, vein instead of vain, lead instead of led, but that is an editing problem.

I can see what you mean about action scenes. If you would like, PM me, and I can help you punch them up.

The Return of Revan

7 years post KOTOR: Revan returns

Remember to sight edit and especially conversation breaks. The only time I have found where having two people talk in the same paragraph makes sense is if they both say something different at that moment.

The homecoming is a bit brisk, and I wish I could read further, merely because of the seven years that we will no doubt have laid out for us.

Calculating Odds
Dessmond Williams

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: He hates losing especially to him!

The piece was short, sweet and a lot of fun. The interactions between Atton and T3 are few, but all of them are funny.

Pick of the Week

Choices for the Right Reasons
Shadows Of The Storm

TSL on Peragus: The adventure begins with a SOTS twist...

I have to agree with the author about Peragus, though it also applies to the Endar Spire section of KOTOR; a lot of useless action and little or no interaction to define the characters.

Instead of the trio of Revan Malak and the 'Exile', SOTS has always had a foursome, and this piece uses that to highlight a lot of what happens on Peragus with one of them flirting outrageously with Atton, but the other recognizing the trap Kreia has them in. I had to agree with Tyla; to paraphrase from a Batman Animated movie, the reason Batman never seeks revenge is because once he crosses that line, he knows inside he'd never go back.

But if you didn't like Peragus, as she said, just jump to chapter three.

Pick of the Week

Trial by Fire
Prisoner 24601

Post KOTOR prequel to Contingency Plans: A series of co-authored oneshots, starting with a heart to heart about following you heart

The only negative I have is that in the game if you ask Bastila about herself, she says she's only 19, but hey, it only bothered me because I am a purist.

When Prisoner and Dinah Lance show up, I know I am in for a good read, and this was no exception. The idea that both Carth and Min have love interests aboard is not new, but the reason she and Canderous are getting to that point is very interesting to me. Unlike a lot of the authors I have read, the idea of a warrior man wanting the best and fiercest woman as his mate makes perfect sense.

And Bastila all sweaty and limber after working out isn't a bad image...

Pick of the Week

Hero, Savior, Conquer, Villain
Teutonic Knight 92

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins

Technical note; Vibroblades were not designed to resist lightsabers. They are a specific type of weapon designed to cut through armor and bone more easily.

The primary negative I have with the piece is the same one I had with the game. The fight could not have been planned because the main character is still asleep when it starts. Having served in the Coast Guard, I do know about a quarter to a third of the crew would be asleep if a ship is ambushed as the US was at Pearl Harbor. But if you are going into an area where you expect to fight, everyone is up. The characterization in your 'history', of them coming in and being ambushed only makes sense that way.

Your explanation of how Battle Meditation works reads perfectly. Because it isn't a magic bullet or magic wand. It is only a slight edge in battle, and one you have to prepare for.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-03-2014, 08:26 PM   #1418
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The broken red thread
Revan Sama

Post TSL: The last meeting between Revan and the Exile

Unlike most of the author's work, this one needed some serious editing.

That being said, it was a very dark and malevolent look at the pair. An unrequited love, but one more of a possessive man with a woman who at this stage is no longer willing to be merely a toy.

Perfect Enemies

Before Malachor V: Revan maneuvers the Exile into the battle, as always

The only negative I had with it was the Mandalorians attacking Dxun and Onderon so late in the war. According to Canon, Dxun was their version of Guadalcanal.

The interplay between them is more of a hate-hate relationship than anything else. The Exile's comment that being a soldier pretty much negates being a Jedi is thought provoking.

KOTOR Aftermath

Two Months Post KOTOR: Another threat looms. Can Darth Revan use this to his advantage?

First, remember paragraph and conversation breaks. You have taken what would be about four and a half pages, and made it three paragraphs. Remember, a standard paragraph is usually three to five sentences focused on one idea.

Conversation breaks allows the flow to be guided. Without them it's like taking a paddle-wheel steamer through rapids.

The basic premise of the story made little sense. I think a good portion of that problem is the faults I mentioned above, but a large portion is the idea that Bastila is automatically going to win because she is on the Dark side. This is a common idea I have seen in a lot of young writers. As an older man, I understand the desire to want to be bad, because as the old saying goes, nice guys finish last.

What Rain Hides
Arctick Child

TSL on Dxun: Only the rain obscures the memories

One negative, without an external heat source, a derelict vehicle of any kind is not going to be smoldering after a decade. There were reports of tanks during the great battles of the Eastern Front that were still too hot to approach a couple of days later, but a day is not a decade.

The piece is a very nicely done look at the past for Bao Dur. Like any soldier who returns to where he had fought, it has changed, but there is a mental overlay of what was there before.

The Time Schedule
Mike the Syrjirk

KOTOR on Dantooine: They said he could leave when he wanted...

A few years ago, I reviewed a story that pointed out that the Endar Spire section doesn't end until you left the ship. So you had Carth and Revan pretty much kicked back watching shows, playing games, and I expect, raiding the now empty galley. I expected a reprise of that idea.

Boy was I wrong.

Revan is like a spoiled little boy, screwing around for more than four days, and the others leave him in disgust. Of course the enemy hasn't been sitting on their Keesters all this time, so the destruction of Dantooine arrives on the author's schedule. The crew pretty much surrendering reminded me of the book Bored Of the Rings where one of the characters in that spoof is already preparing a surrender flag before the enemy even arrives.

One thing, both negative and positive, is the end of it. The negative is Bastila falling to the dark side after only three hours, but the reason just so choice!

Pick of the Week

The Second Fall of Darth Revan

KOTOR on Lehon: One betrayal causes her to fall.

Remember conversation breaks. That is the only writing negative I see in the story.

The piece is one that surprised me because while I am very conversant in the art of political betrayal, having someone actually use it was a new thing. I had always wondered about the aftermath of the first game because Revan is the symbol of all that carnage, and I can't see them kissing and making up.

So having them let her finish her mission, then eliminate her afterward is a perfectly viable option. Moving it up, having Carth execute her not after the Star Forge, but before makes some sense, but I am trying to picture a Carth who is a good enough actor to pretend he loves her until he can strike, and it just doesn't gel.

Still good work.

Pick of the Week

Arctick Child

TSL before Malachor V: Kreia contemplates what will happen when her most recent apprentice arrives

Set as question and answers, the piece is very striking. As Kreia commented before the meeting with the masters, she had never lied to the Exile. Just showed her the situation with her own pungent negative comments, leaving the player to make their own decision in everything from where they go next, to how to deal with her associates.

In my own Return From Exile at the end, I likened her teaching approach to the actual way you get a pig to go where you want him to. Poking him in the snout, which causes him to move toward you as if daring you to to it again, and stopping when he's where you want. This little piece fits very nicely in that.

The Force Unleashed What Really Happened
Marek Intan

Set in TFU One: It's all because of the pronunciation...

The piece surprised me, and it wasn't until Vader begins reacting negatively that I got the clue as to why. Cute, and very short. Not a pick, but you gotta read it for the whimsy alone.

Something Dark is Coming
Naamah Beherit

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: She'd rather follow the dream

When I saw the name, I was unsure of the quality of the work. This is an International Site, and I have read works from a lot of places, and was ready to forgive a lot of errors made because maybe they don't speak and write English well.

First the Author is Polish, and second there was nothing to forgive, because the work is excellent; a dark view in a dream where she sees perhaps herself still holding to the memory of her mother regardless of what the Jedi wish of her. Her holding to the dream makes sense if your Revan is someone who has no memories before she awoke on Taris in the escape pod.

When I wrote my KOTOR novel (Genesis of a Jedi) I gave her full memories, even if they were someone else's. Because the idea that 'oh you've lost your memory, and it will never come back' has always bothered me. If I had lost all of mine, I would do everything I could to get them back. So telling me 'this is your life now' would not be an answer I would accept.

Best of the Week

Sigma Squad

Clone Wars on Geonosis: A mission goes too well...

The piece is well written. The only negative I had is the same one I had with the Republic Commando's game, which is the constant chatter from the 'adviser'. While the modern commo net used by the modern military is great when you need it, the one thing most noticed is the tendency to micromanage.

For centuries, all you could do as say the commander of a Regiment is send instructions to your Battalion commanders, then watch and hope for the best. Sometimes it goes wrong. Pickett's Charge occurred when the system broke down according to some reports. The advance had been ordered, but Lee noticed the center where they were aimed was too well defended. So he supposedly sent a messenger to tell them not to charge. The messenger was killed enroute, and 15,000 men marched into hell.

Here you have the other end of the spectrum. A modern regimental leader (If not a regimental combat team, which is a much larger unit) has 1500 men, and every officer is in that net. Instead of paying attention to the entire battle, you have someone paying attention down to the squad level, which is not good.

Last Stand

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: She just wants it to all end.

I was enthralled by the story, and remembered something Tolkien once said. After he finished the Lord of the Rings, people equated it to WWII, which was going on when he wrote it. His reply was that if he had been patterning it after that war, someone among the 'light side' parties would have used it, hoping they could win the war, then destroy it before he became the new Sauron.

A perfect example is nuclear weapons. Every major combatant during the war had people who could have developed them; most of the German and Italian scientists on the Manhattan Project were refugees from their native countries who didn't want the Axis to develop them first. So that particular genie was already pushing at the cork on his bottle long before Hiroshima.

Here we have someone who is not really Jedi, and not really Sith. But like the world during that time, just wants it to be over.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:33 AM   #1419
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Fall of the Sith
Story's Blade

Post ROTJ: Juno's new assignment is to transport a Jedi in search of the remaining Sith.

Remember to sight edit. You said the Sith would revive a trial, rather than receive one. Also the wording is something I would have expected from a Communist regime, getting a trial though you don't expect them to avoid execution.

You are also attributing the droid army of the Separatists to the Sith.

Technical note, 'Constructing a Droid Army': This doesn't make a lot of sense because to construct an army, you have to have factory to do so. What you would have instead is 'reactivating' a droid army. At the end of the Clone Wars, there were probably several billion droid troopers of the various models still operational, merely shutdown in place. However as much as Japanese Anime likes the idea of people throwing away fully operational robots, it is unlikely.

They would have first gathered them, then disarmed them, either removing or frying their cybernetic brains to assure they could not be reactivated accidentally. As an example, the armored vehicles of the Wehrmacht were driven to locations where their fuel and oil was drained, and their ammunition removed. In the intervening twenty odd years you would have had people stripping out parts, sending them through the shredders for reprocessing, etc. What you have here is the equivalent of Europe in 1966 with a single Neo-Nazi trying to recreate an SS Panzer division by plug and play after two decades of neglect.

While the basic idea is good, the idea that yet another Jedi fell to the dark side because they wouldn't give him a council seat is right up there with a Bishop becoming a satanist because he wasn't elected Cardinal.

For Love of A Jedi

KOTOR on Lehon: The confrontation between Bastila and Revan

The piece does a huge flashback to highlight the relationship between Revan and Bastila since Tatooine, and all of that is generic. Do not think of the term as a negative. Any scene where you have stock characters in a stock situation doing what would be anticipated is by definition generic. There is honestly no way an author can avoid such scenes.

Considering where chapter one ended, I was wishing I had time to read further, with six chapters yet to go.

Boring and Vengeful Days

TSL aboard Ravager: Why did they buy starcharts from Home Depot?

WM has a thing for Nihilus, and personalizes the character far beyond what you might expect. While the piece starts out like the normal comedic version, it segues rapidly into a serious situation, and everyone is worried that the joker who is their commander is suddenly serious.

Blood Seekers
Solus Tal'echoy

During Clone Wars: It takes one to hunt one

SW Actually has an alien race that might be considered the vampire; though it drinks the RNA from the brain leaving a vegetable if I remember correctly.

The only option to save the boy, by making him also a vampire, is a bit over the top.


Pre KOTOR: Bastila discovers why she is having problems...

Cloyed is linked to food pleasure or sensation, and is best defined as being glutted or bored, not sticking as I believe you tried to describe.

A number of the suggestions you make in the work are intriguing. That the threat that having your master die might kill you for example has some basis in fact for example. Having Bastila being confused and literally walking like a drunk the further she is from Revan suggesting the bond effects you in ways not described in the other works.

Some, however, I wondered about. You have taken Revan, and pretty much replaced him in the tank with Anakin Skywalker, physically intact except for the connections in his skull. With both legs gone at the knee, and his arm and internal injuries, it would make sense to implant sensors to make sure to monitor his bodies needs. But I cannot see most people replacing working body parts just to make himself more efficient.

Jedi Mysteries

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Looking at the world from Atton's point of view

Remember conversation breaks. At one point you had three different people speaking in the same paragraph. This is confusing to the reader.

The piece has little rhyme not reason to it, you went to Nar Shaddaa it seems only so Atton can get into a shoot out, and as soon as that's over, run off to Dantooine where it's off to the Jedi Enclave to look for Vrook.

I remember the Laigreks from the game, and they irritated me. 'We have this insect predator fighting the character, but we need a bigger and badder one. I know, have them breath fire!'.

I can tell how much nature has followed that example. If I run into a fire breathing cat, I'll let you know.

Knights of the Old Republic The last Stand

Post TSL:

Remember to sight edit. You used were instead of we're, tiered (layered) instead of tired

You have the older woman address a general, so why did a lieutenant, and that one from Telos (Another planet entirely) reply? If Grenn had left Telos to command the militia of Dantooine, and several years having passed, why would he still be a lieutenant?

The basic premise put forward in the first paragraph doesn't have a lot of reason to it. The Jedi and Sith it seems have pretty much poisoned the well when it comes to having the people on their side, so why is the administrator even allowing two 'cloaked figures' to reenter the old enclave? And why are the two militia men willing to go with them?

Full Of Grace
Val Perham

Post TSL: The Exile returns to Dantooine after the climactic battle to say goodbye.

The only negative I had with the story is that you have the three men die in what is either summer or autumn, yet the bodies were not collected before her return. What with scavengers, local animals etc, this is a lot of high class protein laying around without being returned to the biological cycles.

The piece is one long paean of regrets. The things you might have said to someone when they leave your life into their own death that you wish you could take back. Even Vrook who spent most of TSL saying not one polite word about or to her had his good side, and Kavar is to my mind the worst because you feel betrayed and lash out in your pain, and can't take back what you had said and thought.

Pick of the Week

Mira's Last Job

Post TSL: Having put the idea of being a Jedi hopeful behind her, Mira finds it isn't that easy

Technical note: Remember that they didn't have a hyperspace motivator small enough to fit inside a fighter until over 4,000 years later, so having her travel from Nar Shaddaa to Kashyyk is not logical without a mother ship.

The situation is dire, and finding herself among the Wookie a bit of a nightmare for her, since she is judging the entire species by the way Hanharr acted. It doesn't help that the first one she meets on planet punched her out.

I found myself wanting to click the next chapter, but do not have time to follow it along. My primary negative is the idea that to Mira a few weeks would seem like years, concerning Kreia's prediction of her death.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: The Best of the Best

Clone Wars two months after Geonosis:

Technical note; As much as most non military people think it might be a way to save money, stuffing your troops into pods until the next time you need them doesn't make any sense. One reason I say this is there is no sign I have seen in any of the Clone War Episodes of such facilities even on the ships.

Technical note, advising a General: The one thing you will notice through the Clone Wars is blind obedience on the part of the Clones. Senator Amidala, who has no military rank at all, is still immediately obeyed when she refuses to be evacuated, and instead orders the clone to accompany her. This is still very early in the war; the Jedi are dealing with soldiers who will do exactly what they are told and unlike a standard military, not even a Clone Sergeant is going to tell some normal human Butter bar what to do.

Too many ignore this when writing about the Clones, but Soldiers are human beings with just as many faults and good points as those who don't do their jobs, and the way junior officers learn how to do their job is a trained senior enlisted man teaching him.


TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira learns to listen...

When it comes to explaining the Force in the game, the scene is one of the best written. And well portrayed here.

Promise Me
Crystal Vice

Post TSL: With his beloved Exile dead. Atton has to do the hard part. He has to live up to the promise he made.

A rather stark bit. Going from himself broken in the dirt, to her dying in his arms, to him pretty much falling apart and having to put himself back together.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-20-2014, 12:08 PM   #1420
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My new computer decided to go belly up, and I had to send it to the factory, so for the next two weeks or so I had to dust off the old computer. Add to that doctor and man who buys aluminum (Pocket money) who both decided a day apart that My day is scheduled around them, not vice versa.

So I am late, and will be doing a double column to make up for it.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-24-2014, 09:21 AM   #1421
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The Alien's Heart
Dessmond Williams

TSL on Malachor V: One of the Exile's team makes a solo insertion, but why?

The piece had me confused because there is no logic to Bao-Dur going in alone. The fact that he was spotted on the way in didn't surprise me in the slightest.

Trouble in the Chaykin Cluster
Sev Fett of the cuy'val dar 10

Clone Wars era: Three teams board a derelict and find trouble

The piece was confusing since you jumped from scene to scene with little rhyme nor reason. Having one team split up is bad enough, but all three?

There's Something Behind Here

KOTOR AU Aboard Endar Spire: The sole survivor is not who we thought it was...

The piece was fun because as the main character comments constantly, 'you're always saying there's something there, but you haven't been right yet'. Having Trask, who is pretty much a dweeb survive when the main character doesn't is a nice twist.

Life Switch: KotOR Styles
Jessica Salvatore-Waldorf

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A young girl ends up in the game.

It's been a while since I read one of these 'Earth- Human enters the game' stories, and this one was fun. The constant 'you're boring, don't talk to me' to Trask, treating Carth as a long lost friend and the 'oh this part is boring' you'd expect from someone who has played the game umpteen times.

Fraternising with the Enemy

Clone Wars: A commando finds someone interesting to talk to

Technical note, force fields: From what have been shown in the movies and TV shows, a force field will act as a wall, but it is not something you could brace against. It would automatically repel the foreign object, in this case a person, or burn them, as Atton mentioned in TSL. It would be like leaning into an electric fence.

I loved your description of the rations. In my own Genesis of a Jedi I described them as something that had every necessary nutrients, but palatable was not part of their design.

A pity it stopped after the first chapter, the situation was getting good.

So Not My Problem

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: What part of 'not my problem' is everyone having a problem with?

Luckily I had to pour more coffee halfway through, otherwise I would have inundated my keyboard. The piece was funny from the first line, starting with how Trask is suddenly the main character's roommate (Which was a riot by itself), to having Trask accused (Guess who?) of passing codes to the Sith, and having a teddy bear which was really a bomb.

29 Chapters, and I wish I could read them all.

Pick of the Week

A Second Chance for the Fallen

KOTOR From Start to finish concentrating on Carth and Revan

The piece had a nice flow to it until suddenly Darth Revan has returned, yet ending with the Star Forge destroyed. I can't see Carth trusting her at the end, since four characters (Juhani, Jolee, Mission and Bastila) would have had to die to reach it.


No specific time given: A falling out between crewmembers

The piece was very interesting because it's what a captain faces even today; someone out to make more than they can legally, and assuming their bosses are too stupid to figure it out.

The story is very well written, the situations believable. Dumping the transgressor on the planet, then dumping the spice in space is perfectly understandable.

What Shines Through

KOTOR AU: The whole scene has changed...

The piece was very confusing from the outset. Having the new Darth Bad Guy dressed as if a Sand Person of Tatooine, the hero trying to redeem her admitting even in his mind that the Sith offered something the Jedi did not. Characters have been moved around as if plug and play, along with situations.

Echoes of the Force

TFU Ultimate Sith edition on Hoth: Penetrating the base isn't easy...

Wording was a bit cumbersome, but I discovered the author is from Sri Lanka. The day I can write a coherent story in Sinhala or Tamil, I'll give this kid flak about it.

The scenes in chapter one are a bit confusing. I cannot run the game on my computer, and because of that, I wonder how much is the game and how much is the author.

Technical note, Vehicle size: I will have to check, but 25 meters (about eighty feet for those you not into metrics) is a bit tall in my opinion. The Wookipedia actually gives a height of 22.5 meters, about ten feet shorter.

Technical note, Wildlife: This I think is actually the game designers fault. In real life, when you put down a hidden base, most wildlife will avoid it, especially the larger predators, which Wampa definitely are. This scene on Earth would be like this:

Captain Courageous is attempting to slip unnoticed into the base of the Evil Empire which has been hidden in a series of natural caverns in the Alps. He finds himself fighting hordes of Wolves in a series of unoccupied caves attached to the base...

First, if the caves connect and you do have a wolf lair that close, assuming the wolves are stupid, you would have almost constant attacks. The Rebels would have dealt with it simply; send in troops, have barbeque that evening. So there would be no wolves to menace the hero.

Technical note, punishment: Considering that Keenah had been newly assigned as his liaison, killing him this early is a bit over the top. The man had barely gotten a chance to make one mistake.

Star warring Across the Universe Part I
Romantic Pessimist

Pre KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The new crew comes aboard, then sets sail for danger.

Two things struck me as odd, and I will address them below.

Technical note, the Lecher: In any military that has both men and women serving together, you will have them, but the timing was wrong. There is a standard military procedure for new arrivals aboard a ship, and while he might be hanging around when the new people arrive, he isn't going to be stupid enough to make his play right after they arrived. Later in the mess hall, berthing area or a passageway where they are alone, maybe. Right there right before they get the 'welcome aboard, here's your berthing assignments', no.

Carth before departing: While an officer might be worried about evacuating, the old term 'never let them see you sweat' applies. He's not going to look panicked, though a bit worried fits.

Other than that, the piece flowed very well. Having your own version of Trask works well, and being a total newbie was a nice touch.


TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Turnabout is fair play...

The piece was funny from the start, getting tickled leads to retaliation, and in a way I didn't really expect.


Pick of the Week

The Prodigy

TSL on Dantooine: Mical meets someone who might help with his research

The piece is too short to really get a good grip on it. We know from the intro blurb who he is speaking to, but having her working on Dantooine doesn't make a lot of sense.

A Silent Awakening
Princess Ashira

Pre TSL: The Exile gets a reprieve.

The piece is all introspection until the end. What I didn't understand is who the killer was, and if he merely missed his target, or killed whom he intended?

The trial was confusing for both the character and myself. They automatically assumed she had killed the boy, and being unable to communicate, it gets worse.

Four chapters long, and I so wanted to just keep reading...

Pick of the Week

Black Disc'ed
Requiem for the World

Pre KOTOR: A young man will end up in the game

Primary negative, you jumped from first person to third and back again. But that is an editing problem.

Considering some of the teachers I had in High school, back when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, I felt for the character. My science teach got ticked at me because reading a lot of science fiction, I blindsided him with accurate conversion of metric values to English. Got a C-minus in that class...

As for how well you did, for a first work it's pretty good.

Pandora's Box

Pre KOTOR: A fugitive carries something incredibly valuable, and is being pursued even as he feels safe

Only real negative. The story of Pandora is linked to Earth, though since the readers are humans of that world, it's not that big a ding.

The piece is reminiscent of Ludlum's better spy work. The main character has something of great value, and flees to deliver it. The enemy however is much smarter than he realizes.

I especially liked the reaction, as the main character is not human. In H. Beam Piper's Naudsonce you have a first contact between humans and an alien species where their auditory system is so unlike human hearing, that things we would consider merely odd are like drugs with one sound. Piper created a 'this is how to teach our language' system I really enjoyed, and having everyone they speak to pronounce the words differently was a quick WTF moment.

So having him not like the sound of a human woman laughing was a nice twist.

The Force Unleashed III
Adam Patterson

Author's creation of TFU III: When the resurrected Starkillr escapes, the Emperor comes up with a cunning plan to end the Rebellion.

Technical note, terminology: A cyborg is part machine, part human. A clone is by definition, a living being. Vader for is example, is a cyborg, whereas Captain Rex from the Clone wars, is not.

Technical note, Cloning Jedi: More likely it is because you might not have checked the wookipedia or read the EU, but Jedi have been successfully cloned. The Emperor several times, a Jedi master of the Pre-Imperial Republic, and Luke Skywalker just to name the ones I know of for sure.

The piece is intriguing in that poor Garen is to become a pawn yet again.

Scars of Memory

Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Revan deals with her scattered memories in the touch of her love

The piece is a soft look at nightmares, from Nihilus to a random attack by bounty hunters. Well done.

A Message to those under Order 66

During Clone Wars: A General faces his death

The piece was a bit confusing, but the way battles are laid out in the SW universe, that is usually the case; taking a single squad and placing them in a bad position from the start.

The calm the general has facing his death is surprising. I think knowing you can die at any moment in a war merely makes some people thank their gods when their time comes.

Star Wars Anakin's Accident Chapter 1

Specific movie not set: Anakin has a bad day

The piece is thoroughly confusing. From having Anakin have the Princess who is actually his daughter hanging all over him, to two people dying because he can't seem to control his lightsaber. By the end honestly I was more confused then I was when it began.

Jag ti naysol kad aue

Tale told of the events on Taris: The name in Mando'a fits him perfectly

It's surprising when a story suddenly reminds you of your deep dark past. Back when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, there was a newly minted game named Dungeons and Dragons. I started playing about a year after it came out, and was soon a Dungeon-Master (Oh, very scary).

I was at a convention and had a tossed together team going into a game. When they introduced their characters, their lead warrior was running two, the stereotypical Conan type, and his caddy. I wondered, a caddy? I found out why very shortly, in fact their very first battle, when the warrior turned, and began to have a two way discussion between the player and the caddy. I had noticed the golf bag (Frankly, when you say he's your caddy and he is wheeling around a fancy golf bag, who wouldn't?)

After a couple of battles, I started to play to the bit. While the pair were arguing about which sword to use (No, sir. This is obviously a par seven shot, so I would suggest the number 8) I had his opponent standing there, checking his watch, commenting on how he had a dinner date with the captured Princess, and he really wanted this over with, when the Caddy drew a sword out (Number 4, I remember) skewered the bad guy with a lethal stroke, then turned back to the discussion while the others now stood around, looked at their watches, commenting that the Princess sounded hot, and if they didn't hurry, she would have left the restaurant before they arrived...

Best of the Week

The Mirror
Elwin Ransom

Post TSL: The work to rebuild the order goes on even as the Republic goes on the offensive

The piece tended to meander a bit. At the end the author commented on extended writer's block, and I can see this was an attempt to jump start the process again.

The Grand Master comes off as a wimp unable to figure out where to take the new order, which is understandable since there are, at this time only five Jedi remaining.

Star Wars The Old Republic: No Rest for the Wicked
Jaicer Reed

SWTOR: An assigned assassination goes awry

You have a problem with run-on paragraphs. Remember that a paragraph is supposed to put across one expanded idea, so they tend to be between three and five sentences long. You also need sight editing and spell checking. Payed in the context you used should have been paid.

The first chapter really didn't do it for me. Jaicer is a little too abrupt with the drunk, since in most cases you can end such a confrontation without bloodshed, and is inconsistent in dealing with his target. Unless told specifically not to kill the Duros, his leaving him not only alive but capable of pursuit made no sense.

It's not too late
Alice Shadowrunner01

Six years Post TSL: It's never too late

A depressing piece but the author warned us. Every person who has screwed up their relationships feels this way, and it isn't too late if you're willing to try.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-01-2014, 10:15 AM   #1422
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Revan's Beginning

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Kreia find the boy Revan as a child

Remember to sight edit, you used improper words and sometime improper tenses such as looked as the bruised and cuts.

Technical note, Stealth equipment: I am mentioning it here, but this is actually a diatribe against the gaming system itself. One negative I have with the devices is that such equipment would have been of great use during the Clone war of 4,000 years later. But you don't see anything remotely like them. Like personal shields, they were something added by people who have played a lot of fantasy RPGs where you can add on 'magical' armor until you are well nigh invincible.

A number of weapons used by troops during wars do end up going home with them rather than being returned, but it's because the person who was issued that equipment is either dead, or ended up in hospital and they lost track of it. A stealth field generator has too many criminal uses for local law enforcement to turn a blind eye to them, just as having machine guns in the hands of rival street gangs. The police would make a habit of confiscating such equipment on sight. But in the game you have people walking in and picking them up at the equivalent of the local five and dime.

The basic problems I had with the story were two fold. The first was your description of Deralia. Someone would have had to build a world encompassing city, and the people you show in charge of it don't seem to be the type to go to such effort.

What you have here is more like Modern day Zimbabwe. Back when it was still named Rhodesia, you had a backbone of Europeans who had settled there in the late 18th Century who spent the time and effort to create the infrastructure. When The Whites accepted majority rule in 1979, it was originally promised that they could stay, but they were forcibly ejected within just a few years. So you have all of the infrastructure, without the people who can keep it running, as you can see by the present economic problems that nation has had since then.

The other is Revan himself. You have a child two years younger than Anakin in the Phantom Menace, with even more emotional baggage than Anakin did, yet the Jedi are going to accept him?

As a first work, it's not too shabby beyond what I have mentioned above.

Knights Of The Old Republic

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Our story begins

Remember conversation breaks. Think of a story as a drive from where ever you are to another destination. There will be problems, maybe a wreck to force you onto another road, but you will get there eventually. However when you forget conversation breaks, you put unnecessary speed bumps in the reader's path, causing unnecessary complications.

Remember also to sight edit. You used improper words, such as final instead of finally, or raze (Destroy) instead of raise (Lifting) a weapon. Also, a melee weapon is a class of weapon, not a specific weapon type. A club or your fists are both melee weapons, as is a sword.

Technical note: Unless your shuttles and assault craft have the frequency of the shield, it would be like punching through a brick wall with a car. The shields have to be down before they can assault the ship. Note that in the Clone Wars movie, Anakin couldn't land his rattle trap on the ship, and it wasn't until they dropped the shield over the landing bay that the Droid fighters were able to attack into the ship.

After noticing the errors above, I checked your profile. All of what I mentioned is something further writing and editing will cure readily. As Elizabeth Moon commented in one of her books, you don't get good at making bread by making a loaf, you get good by making a lot of bread. The one thing I felt was good is unlike the game and most of the authors, you gave the main character memories of the past.

As Small Stars Fly Back Home

Post TSL: The heroes return from the Unknown Regions, but things have changed

The piece was fun primarily because the biggest change is that Revan has been replaced in Carth's heart, which I assumed because the first reaction to hearing of the engagement is her decision to sell her apartment.

A very well done piece of 11 chapters. I wish I could read further.

Pick of the Week

Over and Over Again
Alice Shadowrunner01

Pre KOTOR to the beginning of TSL: The Exile's life is shown

The piece is better than the last one I reviewed. My biggest problem is that if you are plotting rebellion against the order, you're either A; sounding out the other person before saying it aloud, or B; adding that person to your 'little list' to be eliminated when the day comes. So having Malak tell her about their plot then allowing her to leave makes no sense. If nothing else, it is likely she might have told the Council about their plans.

I did like the 'bra and panties with high boots' scene.

Bill The Bard

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The end comes as the Exile triggers the device

The piece needs some editing, since you changed tenses twice during it. A minor problem easily corrected.

The primary problem I had with this work is the idea that Revan had already fallen to the darkness and staged this battle only to kill off those who would not follow. It is a recurring theme I will admit, but it would be very difficult to arrange. Especially when all she had to do is withdraw those she could for the plot to fail.

That being said, the sense of betrayal is very well done, and the feeling of all the people dying also well done.

From Pen to Paper

Scene from TFU: As his body lays there, Galen struggles to free himself and return to Juno

The piece is excellently done. The idea that he is laying there, feeling every indignity, knowing that he will die because they merely think he's another clone.

Pick of the Week

Her Last Smile
From Pen to Paper

TFU on an unnamed planet: They die as they had lived, together

The piece is sad, that the last thing they can share is their deaths.

Pick of the Week

Tharissa Sharran
Jack Hawthorne

Set it SWTOR: A Jedi fights to save the younglings

Remember to sight edit. There were times you shifted tenses, or used the wrong word. Nothing major.

The Piece was tightly written, the characters believable. The fight scene was well done, and the ending perfect.

Second Chance
Ardent Flame

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: He's willing to take the chance

The piece is a bit of fun, pretty much every love story has a scene like it, but it was cute.

From Pen to Paper

Dark side ending to TFU II: What does he have to look forward to?

The piece is an unrelieved darkness with nothing to hope for, nothing to do but his duty to his master. Very depressing.

Of the Sacrifice

Remember to sight edit, you used rabble, which is a group of people, rather than a mode of conversation.

The only negative I felt with the first chapter was that when Bastila should be freeing herself from the collar, she is still merely observing. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, I described my perception of how the collar works, and what I felt would have been necessary to circumvent it.

Of the Fall
Mister Buch

Originally reviewed at Kotorfanmedia 25 May 2012. However that site is now defunct, and I am not sure the author ever received the review.

Vignettes within KOTOR: Revan's reborn rise and fall are seen through the eyes of the others.

The piece is a series of snapshots from the minds of her crew. From the worried but light view of her originally on Taris to the final confrontation. with Carth. While every change was a bit confusing, it took only moments to understand who was speaking, and their views were unique. It is a well done albeit sad testament.

Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-08-2014, 08:34 AM   #1423
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Mandalorian's Mind
Spartan Commando

Era muddled. Suggests it is during APM: A young Mando'a is gifted with a precious secret.

Remember to sight edit. You used improper grammar (There instead of their for example) and some of the sentence structure needs polishing.

Mainly because of the muddling, I was confused. It suggests it is during TOR, though your own statement says it is much later. I can't see the Jedi of Obi Wan's time casting out a hopeful because of his lineage, though.

Prisoner of the Dark Lord

Pre KOTOR AU: Bastila becomes Revan's prisoner

The primary negative I have is Malak using torpedoes rather than lasers for his attack, which, from the military viewpoint, is rather stupid. With energy weapons, the first you know they are targeted at you is when the energy hits your ship or shields. Whereas missiles of any kind have a flight time between launch and impact. Using an example of modern day weaponry:

A surface battle group led by USS Vincennes is attacked by a Russian fleet built around the Kirov. As a small assault team boards the cruiser, the Destroyer Arleigh Burke, disdaining her 5” cannon, fires two Tomahawks at the cruiser. The radar system detects the missiles at launch, and the CIWS fires, destroying the missiles in flight well clear of the ship.

If they had used the cannon, the shells would have impacted before the ship even knew they had been fired.

The other negative, not as major in my mind is the piecemeal destruction of Malak rather than merely killing him.

The piece is a very interesting turn of the event with Revan almost a gentle captor.

TFU The Survival of Starkiller

Light side ending of TFU 1: The final battle between Starkiller and the Emperor.

The piece was confusing, primarily because it seemed to have no focus. I have never played TFU, but the battle scene was trite and poorly constructed. The ending, with the Emperor sucked into space might have made sense if the viewport were glass, but you have to remember that it is supposed to be transparisteel, meaning something a lot harder than simple window pane glass.

The Last Mission
Ruler of Space

Last battle of TFU II: Starkiller must face his teacher for the last time

Having never played the game, I am unsure how closely this work follow it. If it does, then I am appalled by the fact that the creators couldn't come up with anything in the continuing confrontations beyond a saber lock.

As a friend at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire pointed out in the stage combat class, there are scenes that look good, but make no sense in real life. The final confrontation in Highlander where they stand pressing the foible (The most easy to move portion of the sword) pushed together, because all you have to do is disengage, rotate under, and strike.

Another is a saber lock. What you have is two people who have descended to the level of two kids pushing each other on the playground. It is something the stronger of the two will automatically win, and I mean stronger of arm rather than the Force.

The scenes follow each other, but again, no sense. Vader confronts, Starkiller remembers or hears something, then he's alone to go on to yet another confrontation.

Kotor: Shadows of the past

No specific era given: An assassin goes on to his next mission

Remember to sight edit, you had a character nood instead of nod, and used improper grammar (there as in location, instead of their, meaning personal) for example.

Also remember conversation breaks. Picture your story as a river the reader is floating down. Without conversation breaks, you hit white water almost immediately,. And the reader is sometimes required to go back and reread a section to be sure who is talking.

Some of the scenes made no sense. If you are confronting someone about money, you either walk up with your weapon holstered, or ready to fight. You would not be pounding on the table with your rifle for the simple reason that if you're hitting a table with it, you are not aiming it.

Also assassins are rarely paid to confront their target for what could be defined as a 'fair' fight. You could have easily had him shoot him from ambush, which would still get you paid.

Hell Can Swim
The Hark-ness monster

KOTOR on Manaan: The guy from the locker tells his story

The piece is a dry recitation, but amusing in it's own way. The man in the locker who we never even met gets saved, but is he really sane even now?

Ner Vod, My Hero

Technical note: Raiding the droid factory makes some sense, but doing it for evidence of complicity does not. As an example, when PET Beauregard opened fire on Fort Sumter, the Union did not need evidence of a revolt in progress, the cannon firing was enough.

Technical the Battle (Singular) of Geonosis: According to the Wookipedia, there was only one battle on the planet.

Putting a shot into the cockpit of an aircraft or space craft is not going to cause it to catch fire. So having it explode made no sense.

Since I am sure I have heard the name Fixer given to another Delta Squad Clone, I was confused that he died in the opening battle.

Notes From Exile

TSL: Note on who picked which lightsaber and why

The piece had some problems, mainly needing sight editing, you had the Jedi horde (Mass of people) instead of hoarding information for example.

It is interesting that the primary thing she links everything to is the Jedi's weapon, rather than the personalities.

Divergent Destiny
Bill the Bard

KOTOR AU: Carth Onasi is saved by an unknown woman

Actually the story played well. It is possible the woman who rescued him is actually Revan merely going about what she now believes is her life, but if so we didn't see it in chapter one.

Which makes me wish I could keep reading...

Pick of the Week


Pre TSL on Malachor V: Lord Niihilus in full cry

Compared the other work by the same author, this is a definite switch. Instead of the lovable zany portrayed before, you suddenly have the Lord of Hunger.

After the Trial

KOTOR on Manaan: Revan deals with being the one who executed Sunry

The piece has a lot going for it, and I felt for the author in having a writer's block at the end.

In the US, we've separated justice from the execution because of our worries about the sensibilities of the people, and almost always because we don't want to horrify the children. It used to be that when a criminal was executed everyone was usually required to be there as a moral lesson. 'This person did this, this is how we deal with it'.

The only negative I had with the story was the idea of having her actually set up the mechanism for the execution, but direct participation is part of the justice system in other countries and other times. There is an old Sicilian saying, 'the only way to wash away blood is to shed more blood'. As an example, if a woman was raped back in Celtic times, when the man was executed, the executioner in his last act would take blood from the man, and smear it on her face; you have shed blood, this blood cleans it away.

Pick of the Week

Veni Vidi Vichi

Post TSL: The Exile tries for a perfect get away

I liked the piece. Having Atton figure it out before she does was well done, and his way to assure she didn't leave without him nicely done.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-19-2014, 10:12 AM   #1424
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Sorry for the delay; the site here was down when I came to post on Tuesday, and I wasn't bright enough to check back

Through The Eyes of The Exile

Right before and during the Mandalorian Wars: Introspection by the Exile

This is an interesting take on the Exile and his capabilities. The idea that his strength with Force bonds is more like a recorder so he can visit the memories of those men he led. The scene where he is dismantling his lightsaber using just the Force was a nice touch.

Wish I could read on.

Pick of the Week

KotOR Oneshots of the Random Variety

Post KOTOR: Carth's dreams are tied to the woman he loves

I read the first of three, and was enthralled. Had She fallen again? Or is it what he fears?

Pick of the Week

Last Man on the Squad

TESB On Hoth: The last two survivors of both Delta and Omega Squads from the Clone Wars fight their last battle together.

The piece needs editing, primarily the battle scenes, where things run together, or are poorly laid out. The basic story line is excellent.

Question; the Original clones live twice as fast as normal humans. That means both of the main characters here are physically in their sixties. There are few soldiers who are still on the front line at that age.

Beginning of the End
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre Mandalorian Wars: One of their last happy moments.

Remember to sight edit; you used the word doge (As in the man in charge of Venice) instead of dodge. And you had light reflect on the Offshoot's face.

The scene and situation were well thought out, laid out, and performed

Pick of the Week

Changing Worlds
From Pen to Paper

Post TFU II: Juno has problems when Galen comes back from the dead

The piece is stark, her emotions well laid out. The biggest problem with MIAs from wars has always been, what do they do if the man comes back? Juno's emotional stability is being tossed like a ship in a storm.

Can it be expanded? Oh my yes. You've left her in conflict, which is always a bad way to go in a story.

Never Say Goodbye
Tara Seline

Post TSL: Reunited, the Exile and Atton have some catching up to do.

The piece was a bit of fun, and the reunion sweet.

For Death And Glory

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Following Canderous Ordo after Cathar

Slight problem, you forgot conversation breaks several times. I think it was the creative juices were flowing, so it's minor. You also misspelled particle.

I liked some of the modifications you made; the cockpits on the Basilisks for fighting in the asteroid belt for example, but I disagree somewhat with the attitude of your Mandalorians. If you want to understand what I mean, read my own Family of Choice.

The Fall of Duro: A Battle of the Mandalorian Wars

Mandalorian Wars: The Mandalorians attack the planet Duro.

Technical note, Squadron size: While most sci fi writers stick with the standard 12-24 aircraft to a squadron (David Weber for example create six craft squadrons in his Stars at War series) Few call what would be several wings of aircraft a squadron.

Technical note, the 'old fashioned way': I understand the desire to get up close and personal in battle, but disdaining ranged weapons in comparison to hand or melee weapons rarely happens. The Japanese when they did a Banzai charge still fired their rifles until close enough to use the bayonet. Russian and Chinese human wave charges worked by arming half of them, and giving the other have ammunition. The idea being when a man with a firle fell, you could pick it up and reload. Watch the scene with the charge at the start of Enemy at the Gates. The only group I can think of that did this kind of thing were the plains Indians, and when they did it, they also usually left their target alive.

Your comment that they placed military stations near cities because the enemy would be unwilling to inflict civilian casualties doesn't make sense. There are too many examples of sacks of cities even after they had surrendered. Look at Dresden, one of the cities singled out by Hap Arnold for what he himself described as terror bombing; one of the charges leveled at senior Luftwaffe officers during the Nuremberg Trials as war crimes when they carpet bombed English cities. Or Curtis LeMay who ordered the firebombing of Japanese cities because of their habit of decentralized manufacture of parts for the military.

In my own Genesis of a Jedi, Chapter 16: Kashyyk: Problems upon arrival, I mentioned that in a war against a warrior society, the best way to avoid unnecessary civilian casualties is to relocate defensive systems away from the population. If you only defend targets of military value to you, the civilians, while deserving of some protection, would be less likely to be fired upon.

What you have the Republic doing is using their own populace as human shields, something Saddam did when Clinton suggested leveling all of the Presidential Palaces. He filled them with civilians on the news and dared Clinton to attack. Again, a war crime under modern international law.

You are my Life, Bastila!

KOTOR from Lehon to Coruscant: Revan has to help his love heal

The style is stilted, with odd spacing. You also forget quotation marks in most of the piece. But you are also German, and I don't know how proficient you are in English; when I can write a proper story in Deutch I will complain further

The Talk

KOTOR on Dantooine: She tries to ask for her love to be returned, but it goes so badly

The piece does end abruptly, but all of the feelings are there. At this point, of course, our Revan does not know that Bastila is speaking of her.

KOTOR: The Fate of Revan

Post KOTOR: The crew looks at going their own ways

The piece needs polishing. You would call your crew together, not the people you travel with for example.

The idea that a warrior, with as many years as Canderous has been doing the job being nauseated by something he would no doubt have seen on a battle field is a bit unbelievable. The atrocity HK describes has been done by men throughout history, and for even less reason.

That guy83

Clone Wars on Kashyyk: When you think about it; being missing means you don't really exist any more.

The piece is short and disjointed, but the ending made up for it. If I were sick of being in a war, and I were suddenly at the edge of an encampment where I am not personally known, with hundreds of people who look exactly like me, and every one of them believing you if you say you were sent say to Coruscant... I can think of nowhere better to hide.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-22-2014, 04:16 PM   #1425
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Before the Journey
From Pen to Paper

Clone Wars: The parents of Galen before his birth

The primary negative I had with the piece is that not every Jedi would have gone off to the war. In our modern military for example, you have a 20:1 ratio in what I call teeth to tail; there are 20 people in support positions for every one soldier in the field. If you look at the accepted Jedi classes (Switching to RP terms) you have two groups, Sentinels and Guardians, who would make up the primary soldiers from the Jedi, and even there, the Sentinels would be the lower end.

If you delete this story, sobeit. But it was an interesting read.

The Sacrifices Claimed by Victory

Three years post KOTOR: They find each other again, but too late

The piece is poignant and sad. The idea that it took him three years to build up the nerve to confront her personally is part of that problem, though his comment that he left her where he thought she would be safe made little sense.


Post KOTOR: The one person who cannot forgive her is herself

The idea that Revan would choose suicide as an option is not new. But the look into her mind as she carries out that decision is good.

Pick of the Week

Gwendolyn Rogan

TSL on Malachor V: As she dies, she looks back not with regret, but remembrance

She's done it again. The piece, what I had time for was stunning. Every bit of the scene is etched in my mind with the color the author put into it.

Best of the Week

Shadow's Discovery
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Tyla gets a gift that makes her wonder who and what she is.

The piece is an interesting addition to the body of the author's work. The idea that there is more hidden in her past than has been mentioned. Like her I wonder who exactly sent it, and why now?

Final moments
Mr. Zeek

Present tense nicely done, but remember some things are still past, getting there soon should have been sooner. Remember conversation breaks. I fail as often as anyone in this regard, but remember to sight edit, which would vorrect most of the problems I mentioned above.

The piece gives us a glimpse of that all too brief fight we know happened. The one thing we rarely see in the Star Wars visual representations is the close in melee style battles except Jedi vs Sith.

The one thing that bothered me in the games is the 'cortosis weave'. If you look at the Wookiepedia or the expanded universe, cortosis disrupts a lightsaber blade by making it feed back until it shuts down. Why didn't they use Phrik, which is actually resistant to the blade?

Return to Life

Post TSL: A visitor to Dantooine will set the scene

At least the first chapter of the piece is that 'calm before the storm' you have in disaster movies. It was interesting how the author had opened not one but several academies in the intervening years, and assigned the New Jedi teachers in such a manner to cover them all.

The dreams were very interesting, and the scene segueing into 'something is coming' was well done.

My favorite part? Instead of using the hackneyed 'I have a bad feeling about this', the author had Mira say, 'I don't feel good about this', which is at least unique. Not much, but fun.

Revan's Rise

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Kreia finds the boy Revan

A nicely done piece. The only negatives I had was the idea that a four year old boy would have a hut. If the animosity of the person Kreia had interrogated regarding him had been the norm for the village (The idea that he hasn't been taken in by a family suggests it is) some one would have driven him off, or stripped it for their own use.

In such a society, it would make more sense for the boy to have emulated Newt from the movie Aliens; a burrow into some space in say a collapsed building to use as a nest. If you get a chance, read the section in my own Genesis of a Jedi (Chapter 13, Sasha) when Mission finds the space my version of Sasha was using as her nest.

The other is the confidence. If you watch Newt in the movie mentioned, she isn't confident, even though she knows Ripley and the others are not aliens. She is a terrified little bundle fleeing at a moment's notice.

There Is No Hope

TOR: A hard fought campaign comes down to a battle of attrition

Remember to sight edit, and remember your tenses. It is present tense to say a sniper doesn't get a clear aim, but the sentence previous had been past tense. A minor problem, but sight editing is made to find such.

First, I cannot see comparing Eriadu to Coruscant; it is like comparing Allentown Pennsylvania to New York.

The situation appears grim, and I wish I were able to read further. Here at least we don't have a handful attempting to conquer an entire planet.

A Glimpse of Light

Pre ANH TFU: Juno gets a chance to meet her new commander

The piece flowed well, but considering what you had commented about adjusting the dialogue, I am not sure how much is yours. I have not played The Force Unleashed because the premise bothers me, and up until recently I did not have a system able to play it.

But the intro chapter was funny, with each trying to be more prickly than the other.

Kotor Talk: Revan's Journey

Post TSL: A talk show with alternating crickets

Remember to check the wording by sight editing. You had HK47 say he was cohered (Forming together) rather than coerced.

Unfortunately I was unable to read beyond chapter one. But that was fun enough so don't let that stop you.

Star Wars Kotor Seranna's Story

PreKOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The heroine has some downtime

Remember to sight edit. You made a mistake right off the bat when you said dose (give an amount) instead of does. Also, remember conversation breaks. While the ones I noticed in the introduction were not that confusing, it's like throwing up roadblocks without a reason to a reader. Another thing, you used 'sides' as a shortening of besides more than once unnecessarily in a paragraph.

Basically an intro into the story itself, and actually quite a good one.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-28-2014, 09:27 AM   #1426
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Formless: Prologue

Two centuries before Faceless: The genesis of a god?

The piece was interesting because what is known or surmised about any god is pure speculation, from form to wants and needs. Worth a look.

Those Who Trespass Against Us

Originally reviewed at kotofanmedia 12 May 2012. That review is below

PreKOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Saul Karath assists in recruiting one new Sith Hopeful

The piece is well done, showing both the degradation of the survivors, and the crew's distaste in dealing with them. Karath comes across both avuncular, and insulting to Dustil, and it is his actions that finally drives Dustil into the arms of the Sith. His rationalization; that he saved Carth's son sounds a little forced.

Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia

As Long as She Lives

TFU After Death Star: He worries, but not about what she thinks

The piece is basically a generic 'what do I do if I lose you' piece. Don't feel to bad about the term generic; it merely means you took a stock scene with a few embellishments of your own.

Well done.

Dead Man's Memories

TFU: One clone of Starkiller watches another clone comfort Juno. Who is the luckier one?

The piece has a nice twist to it; two clones of Starkiller; one taking up his life where it ended, another sickened by the idea.

It is an interesting dichotomy; both are the same man with the same memories, but one embraces them, the other abhors them.

Pick of the Week

Coming Home

TSL after Malachor: She had finally found home

A fluffy little piece with just the Exile and Atton

The Path of Undertaking

TSL on Peragus: The adventure begins

Written in second person, the piece has us standing outside of the players on stage, Not used very often, but well done here.

Hell Is Others

Post KOTOR: Hell really is other people, but why should you care?

The piece was amusing because all of the people sent into hell with Revan seem to spend more time bickering and getting filled in on what happened after they died rather than tormenting their victim, though until the end, she was more amused than anything else.

What Lies in Truth
From Pen to Paper

TFU: Only now does he know the truth

Remember to sight edit. You forgot to finish some sentences, and used some words (confided instead of confined) that made no sense.

The piece has a nice feel to it, Starkiller again falling into Vader's trap.

Legacy of Dustil

KOTOR on Tatooine: A brisk little dust up brings two people together

I liked the first chapter a lot; the main character spent more time kicking butt and taking names more than anything else, and needed little assistance in that regard.

The fight itself was contrived, but was well laid out and chronicled. It's one of those stories I really wanted to read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

His Place

TFU after Kamino: Juno finally discovers why Galen is so worried

The piece is well done, the subject very clear. The emotions are clean cut.

As for your question about children, The genes that make you a Jedi logically would have to be recessive. The largest number quoted so far for actual Jedi was around 10,000. In my own Return From Exile, chapter 32, I postulated that they were so rare, that only one in a billion could be Jedi.

As an Earthly example, the rarest hair color on the planet is a natural redhead, and to make it even more rare, the rarest eye color/hair color combination is red and blue, less than 1% of the population. If you also add in being left handed (10%) that would be approaching how rare they would be.

But that would leave us over 70 million people on Earth right now, which is not even a close order of approximation of how many Jedi there would be, since we don't know much more than we, the authors have created.

I also postulated that what makes you a Jedi or Sith is not whether you are capable, it is A: whether someone who can train you is close enough to register your use of the Force, and B: you are young enough to train if that person is a Jedi, since there is a cutoff date on their own experiences before becoming Jedi which has never been codified. Anakin was considered too old at nine, and the proper age never stated.

Not that some authors haven't tried. I had one that stated categorically that all Jedi were taken as babies, causing me to ask when they were going to add Jedi Babysitter to the list of character classes...

Pick of the Week

Force Unleashed: Nomi Marek

TFU With a twist: Starkiller goes on her first mission

Remember to sight edit. You wrote 'defend her in special areas' which doesn't make a lot of sense without completing the thought. Also remember capitalization. A squadron name is always capitalized.

Except for the mentions above, it was a well done piece. In fact I found out that the author has written several more stories I have not reviewed for some reason, so expect a lot more from her...

Pick of the Week

Mission and Revan, A Match Made in Heavan

KOTOR after the Star Forge: Female Revan... And Mission?

I review the stories as I come to them, and while lucasforums does not allow slash, a lot of sites do. This is definitely slash, and soft core at that. So while I reviewed it, clicking on the link is your decision.

After all, I believe you can refuse to click on it.

Bad Influence

TSL After climactic battle with Traya: Too much of a good thing...

Force bonds are never adequately explained, and the idea that all of her team mates are suddenly in love with her is a unique twist. But sharing her?

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-08-2014, 08:16 AM   #1427
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Sorry everyone, I have been having problems on this end, so this weeks reviews has been set back a week. But it will be a double

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-11-2014, 08:58 PM   #1428
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

FORMLESS: Chapter 1: An Eightfold Fortune

Follow on to Formless: The Selection draws near, and the slaves of one house dread it

The 'scriptural' verses you used remind me of the revision of the bible made back around the early 16th century, where they decided the Africans they stole then sold as slaves were automatically the 'sons of Ham', who were condemned to serve the descendants of the other two brothers. All of the 'better' qualities of the masters is like the ones used by slavers, and what I would call merely rationalization.

The piece is well done, kid.

Pick of the Week


I have a confession to make. Sometimes I totally zone on what someone has asked me to do, and this author above had asked me to review some pieces at fanfiction under her pen name of Vyrazhi. So better late than never...


Set in the modern Era: Our sponsor George gets some fan mail along with hate mail...

From start to finish, I was chuckling, chortling, and doing a lot of other versions of laughing. The piece is irreverent, but fits a lot of attitudes regarding how things can be done. I especially loved Revan wanting to retcon the novel, as I think my version would have been so much better...

Combined Best of the Week


Set After Episode II: More mail, and even more fun with responses

This had me giggling at the start. Mace Windu whining because of his light saber's color, and using Samuel L Jackson from Snakes on a plane as a pattern, The only movie I know of where they reshot an entire scene because they wanted to add one line of profanity. It didn't save it at the box office, but the effort was nice...

Combined Best of the Week


Third in the set: You know the drill by now...

Oh this cracked me up, especially Lumiya and Traya's plaint. Back when I first started at lucasforums as their critic, I made a comment asking why actual fighting Jedi all seemed to be men, and caught so much flak it was unreal, because I hadn't gotten into the Expanded Universe yet. So his comment made perfect sense, just like responding to Jabba in the previous article keyed on the core demographic; teen aged boys.

Combined Best of the Week

Republic Defenders: Cosmic Chaos
Kojuro Katakura

Set in TOR: A new group joins the battle

Remember to sight edit. You used wont instead of want, and counseled instead of concealed for example.

Technical note, location of the base: I know Tatooine is commonly used, and the problem is, it is commonly used. But here you have presented a problem on the political level.

In KOTOR, it is owned outright by Czerka, and while companies are known to sell off real estate they no longer need, it is rare for a government to do so. As an example, the US 'owns' territories across the Pacific that we captured from the Spanish American War on. Some of them, like Guam Puerto Rico or the Samoan Islands, are defined as territories, and as such, can if they wish, eventually become states. German Samoa was seized during the First World War, and was merely incorporated into what had once been American Samoa.

Some of those early possessions gained Independence; Cuba in 1902 (Though there was a codicil in the agreement that allowed the US to intervene until Castro staged his coup) and the Philippines in 1946. But the rest are still American Territories.

During WWII, the US occupied the Marshall and Mariana Islands. They however were called Possessions rather than Territories. The difference is that a possession has no representation in the Congress (all Territories have at least one representative) and were held for a lot longer. The Marshal Islands gained Independence in 1979, but are still closely tied to the US; We still supply military assistance, and the Marianas became a Territory in 1977 and like Puerto Rico, is now a Commonwealth.

So even if Tatooine had been a neutral being used for weapons development, it is unlikely the Republic would have merely let them go for sale to the Hutt.

Kotor The Musical

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The game, with assisting music...

Remember to sight edit. It would be advance party, not advancing, which suggests an action.

Technical note, Vibro sword Affects: By definition, a vibro sword is a blade which uses a sonic vibration to cut through just about anything. As you can see from the game mechanics, it would easily cut through small amounts of metal such as armor or a weapon barrel; it is only if you tried to cut through a hatch or a bulkhead that it would be slowed down much.

Back during WWII, American soldiers were taught to block sword attacks by using the barrel or receiver group to do so. The practice was discontinued when we first faced Japanese swords, which cut through the barrel and soldier behind it relatively easily.

Technical note, ship nomenclature: As a writer once said, when men became sailors, they renamed everything so land lubbers would be confused. Some of them (Lee, starboard and port for example) were because they were specific areas of the ship. The lee side of the ship is where the wind is coming from, Starboard started as Steer board, which is the side the the old fashioned side mounted rudders before the 17th century, and port because you tied up to a dock on that side and is defined as the left side of the vessel when facing forward.

Others were just to confuse the uninitiated; and among them was calling a door a hatch, and calling a wall a bulkhead. This is also why a cafeteria is called a mess deck. Oddly enough, yet another one where the name suits, since in heavy seas, your meal could end up on the deck instead of your stomach, making a 'mess'. If you want to correct your lack of this knowledge, go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Technical note, Armada: An armada is a vast number of troops or ships, not what looks like an infantry squad in the game.

As a musical it didn't have many songs, just the one (Unless the count during let the bodies hit the floor counted) but the read was fun and interesting. The idea that the Republic would use punitive measures on an ex serviceman (Woman actually) reminded me of John Carter of Mars where the Cavalry is doing everything they can to force Carter to join their unit

What The Force Wills It To Be

Pre-KOTOR on Dantooine: All right, we've let a homicidal maniac loose on the Galaxy; what do we do now?

Remember to sight edit, you used Vessul instead of vessel for a ship in one memorable error.

I'm sorry; I won't be fattening your ego today, but it's because of the following.

Technical note, caught flat footed: First, I can understand Bastila's frustration. It is easier on a raid like this to kill your target rather than capture them. The Council's decision that they would merely take her off life support and let the Force decide made some sense, but they should have determined what they would do if she did survive. Using a procedure that had not been tried in living memory did not bode well from the start.

Technical note, escape: The escape was too violent from the start. Sure, disable the droid. But when she killed the two guards it went above and beyond. Use this as an example:

Han Solo is injured, and wakes up after being taken from the bacta tank. He's in what is obviously a hospital, on a world he'd just delivered spice to, and believes he might have been captured. The orderly comes in and tells him the local government wants to talk to him before he leaves. So he first disables the orderly, flees down a hallway until he runs into two of the hospital guards, who ask him politely to go with them to see the govt rep. He then kills the two guard, and completes his escape.

What is wrong with this picture?

Plus the fact that recruiters check the wants and warrants on anyone who signs up, so the only reason she is not caught is that the Jedi didn't report the murders.

We have a much harder edged Revan here than usual. Not the dark lord, but willing to use terminal violence from the start. Well worth the read.

Revan's Role

KOTOR from the Mandalorian Wars to the end: Historical look at Revan

The piece is dry, but most history is. What I liked was the idea that the war ended not because the Star Forge was destroyed, but rather that She kept it as an ace in the hole and used only her Sith troops to go into the Unknown Regions.

There is No Death

TFU between one and two: Companion piece to A Glimpse of Light; Juno mourns her loss, but the holocron left by Galen's father has clues for her and Master Kota

Technical note, Dating: While AD (Which is now called CE for Common or Christian Era) is widely used today, it wasn't used historically until 525. The old Julian Calender used the terms of the Consuls of the Roman Empire and an historian changed the commonly used Diocletian 247 to 532AD because he didn't want to glorify an Emperor who was best known for his persecution of Christians. He also gave no reason for his usage at that time. It was not popularized until 731.

So this would be like picking up a book written a year after Jesus was born and having it dated 1AD.

The piece is not really fluffy, but it is sad and poignant. A story not of Galen, but of his father and mother.

Pick of the Week

The New Apprentice
Takata Kaori

Technical note, landing gear: When you take off, you retract the landing gear. When you land, you deploy it.

Technical note, Star Destroyer: It's odd that the Rebels on the station would completely ignore something the size of the a Star Destroyer. It would be like the Enterprise D sneaking up on a Klingon Space Station.

Technical note, two separate cloning facilities on the same planet?: With your description of the cloning facility run by Darkness, how do you hide it? I know we're talking on a planetary scale, but a building that large would be visible today using satellites. As an example, it is the size of the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company headquarters in New York which was the tallest building before the Empire State building.

I was partially reminded of the EU where Mara Jade discovered she was not the one and only Emperor's Hand. But the idea that Vader is doing all of this primarily to keep Galen from discovering that he isn't a clone was good.


Post TSL: Follows The Encounter; a group of slaves are bought by a new master.

This is an interesting view, especially since the one buying slaves is Ithorian. I know no group in history has ever been homogenous in their attitudes, but this is like a story I read years ago where one of the Jedi was a Hutt.

Beta Squad

Clone wars on Geonosis: A squad has an assignment

The primary problems are the battle scenes, and I will address them below:

First, you have your team land and their transport shot down. No major problem with it except that the pilots of the fighters will report it. If it is their base, they would be in direct communications. Even if the LAAT is downed, the base is already alerted, and they cannot assume the team being carried were not dropped first. The first rule of combat, whether it is with your hands, a weapon, or a team like this is, you have a threat, and until you are sure they did not get in, you must honor that threat.

During World War II he British had almost all of their battleships tied up in European bases merely due to the small German fleet, because if they did not, the Germans pocket battleships and larger ships would have had a field day against their cruisers and destroyers. When Bismarck sailed, there was a panic because of that fact.

Second, while the game mechanics of Republic Commandos has someone else giving you an assignment, it doesn't work that way in real life. Watch the scene in GI Jane where they have to go in and back the team recovering the plutonium from the satellite. Their briefing was on the sub, not transmitted to them once they were ashore.

Third, the clones are all trained to a fine edge. They may be newbies to actual combat, but training takes care of a lot of that. So having Patton have to explain what he wanted from his team mate doesn't scan. There is all sorts of different explosive ordinance even today, so if a man yells 'grenade!' with his hand out as if to catch something, the other guy is not going to throw him a smoke grenade unless it's what is obviously needed right this second.

The primary reason the US created the Advanced Infantry school at Ft Irwin was because statistically, you are most likely to be killed in your first 30 days of actual combat. The answer they created was a training course that puts you through those first 30 days before you have even seen an enemy.

It's a little known fact that the Armored Cavalry regiment that defeated an Iraqi armored division during Desert Storm was cycled through the course when they returned, and got their butts kicked. The training is more intense than actual battle.

Time To Unite
Imagine The Universe

Post KOTOR: After five years, Revan is still fighting

Technical note, Ship class: There are three designations for a ship, her assigned name, the ship type, and the ship class. The class is the name of the lead ship in that design, while the ship type is what it does. As an example a WWI Helgoland class is a battleship, and so is the Yamato class, in other words the same type. But their capabilities are completely different.

In a stand up fight the 12 inch SK L50 cannon has a range of only 16,200 meters compared to the 42,000 meter range of the 40 cm/45 Type 94 naval gun, and being faster, Yamato can stand off 10 kilometers away, well out of range.

So saying he has a Fury, but it is smaller than the others doesn't make sense, as Fury is a class, not a type.

The piece is mainly reminiscences of the team he left behind, but the attitude, that he's going to fight for justice and to hell whether it's a dark side or light side attitude.

Didn't get a chance to read the next chapter, but considering the timing and the blurb for the story, I expect the Exile to arrive at any time...

Dark Guardian

Five years post TSL: The Exile heads off in search of Revan, and someone watches from within the Force.

The piece is from Sion's point of view, and there is only one negative comment to make:

I cannot picture joining the Force and being segregated yet again, as if it were a Christian form of heaven and hell. I can see some of the Dark side users shunning where the Light side treads and vice versa, but not a line of demarcation between the two. By that definition, Anakin's spirit should not have been able to visit at the Ewok celebration.

Pick of the Week

Cost Of Family

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The only thing to do is get the hell out of there.

I loved the piece from start to finish. To hell with the script from the game, wing it!

So you have a blue on blue (The modern term used to replace the old 'Friendly fire') Trask not being seen (Unless he's the blonde who got killed) and a really, and I mean really important reason to get off the ship tight this effing minute!

Best of the Week

Predator of Man
Tara Seline

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Some contingencies can't be recorded

Years ago, I read a book entitled Fraternity of the Stone by David Morell, better known for Brotherhood of the Rose and First Blood. Except for the last, they have have one thing in common; they are about assassins.

One of the things I learned when I became a Wiccan was that you have to remember one rule about anything you do to help someone, including yourself:

If you have to rationalize why it is good, it's automatically wrong.

So could Some of the Jedi Masters create their own assassins? Yes. Would it be right? I leave that to you.

The work is very good.

Pick of the Week

If I Could Write
Misty 82

Post KOTOR: Revan and Bastila have to consider what comes next...

Remember to sight edit. You only did it once, but you forgot to complete a sentence. But that is what editing and polishing is for.

Technical note, Yoda-Speak: Vandar always spoke like the average human, he never used what I call Yoda-Speak, Which is more like the Welsh, oddly enough.

An interesting take on the aftermath of the mission. Too often the events that occurred are either ignored, or used as a reason for an inquisition. Here it is an 'all well that ends well' situation.

Trask Ulgo, Annihilator of Souls

KOTOR AU: And we all just thought he was a nobody

The piece was amusing. It reminds me of the book Thief of Time, when a martial arts student/time operative gets upset about a sweeper crossing the dojo floor. But he panics when he discovers that the humble sweeper is a legendary time operative.

Funny treatment.

3,956 BBY

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Some days, it's not even worth getting out of bed.

The piece was fun. You wouldn't believe how many time I wished I could just arrange an accident for Trask. Well here the player gets a chance to scream everything I ever thought of saying to the man.

One thing...

Technical note; Dating: BBY stands for Before the Battle of Yavin, we all know that. But like CE (As I mentioned in a previous review for There is No Death by MarshMella, you don't use BCE years before they make the switch. As I said then, it's like being alive a year after Jesus was born and finding a book dated 1AD over 500 years before anyone even suggested the dating system.

Pick of the Week

The Force Unleashed: A New Era

After TFU II On Dantooine: The unknown assassin commanded by the Emperor goes on his first mission to Save Vader

I was confused as to when it was occurring until the end. The idea that it is the assassin that reveals that Starkiller is a clone was a little too soap opera for me.

Technical note, Rebel base location: In ANH, Princess Leia tells Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin that the rebel base is on Dantooine. My question is, why didn't Vader tell Tarkin when this was revealed?

The piece is dry, and pretty much nothing happens until they enter the base. It is interesting to note that the Emperor's Jedi Assassin seems to be operating by the same rules as Starkiller was, 'avoid any witnesses'.


Originally reviewed 20 November 2009 at kotorfanmedia. That review is below:

PreKOTOR: An old memory finally fades.

This is such a delightful insight into Malak and Revan. The idea that when she went to war, still the bright shiny Jedi ready to save the galaxy, she had carried along that one book. Each has given up so much to stand where they do now, and you can sense both the regret and the denial of that regret in each of them.

Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia

Fallen Embers

Post KOTOR: The end of the Republic is at hand.

Nyghtraven has always turned out thought provoking work, and this is no exception. The only real negative in the piece is oddly enough, clearing the bridge. At this moment, the ship should be at battle stations, so clearing the bridge means you have no control of your own vessel, or of your fleet.

All of the smugglers adding their weight to the defense confused me a bit. In real life, they would either find new stomping grounds, or find a way to work under the new system. This was true in every war Mankind has fought to date.

Pick of the Week

Shattered Reflections

KOTOR After Leviathan: Both Carth and Revan have to deal with the revelation

Remember to sight edit. You used relocation (Finding something again) instead of recollection for example. Remember that a spell checker does not give a damn what words you use as long as they are spelled correctly. That is what editing and polishing are for. You also used of all things, misspelled slang. Gunna instead of gonna. One thing, add character names to your spellchecker, because you misspelled Jollie and Bastila.

Technical note, ship nomenclature. Ships do not have beds and door. They have bunks and hatches. Go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece has some things going for it, both of the main characters dealing with it in their own ways, and finally coming to grips with it.

Close Call

KOTOR In Escape Pod: Isn’t it kind of tight?

One comment bothered me, but going back over my memory, I remember the escape pod on the Tantive IV (The rebel ship in ANH) was also rather small, so I'll address this as a failure not of the author, but of the SW universe in general:

Technical note, Lifeboats: A civilian ship, thanks to the Titanic disaster, is required under international law, to have enough space in the lifeboats for every passenger and crew aboard. The reason that was such a disaster was because something like a quarter of the people aboard would have been stuck floating in water that would have killed them quickly. The other was that crewmen in underloaded boats were afraid they would be swamped and sunk if they tried to rescue more.

Military ships do not follow this rule for the simple reason that any warship is manpower intensive; When I was in the Coast Guard, I served aboard WHEC35, USS Ingham which had a crew of 120, but all we had as life rafts/boats were two 10 man whale boats, and two 25 man life rafts. They also expect to take damage and have casualties, meaning a number of the crew are going to be dead when you abandon.

The Mayflower which was used to deliver the Pilgrims to the New World carried 102 passengers and a crew of about 30, was what was called a Fluyt in Dutch, which means a warship design where the guns and powder necessary for combat were removed. The name means 'Flute' in English, and like a flute, is an open space with holes in her sides where the guns would have been.

The Golden Hind as an example of a warship only slightly larger carried 80-85 men as crew alone. But both ships probably had only two small boats for maybe twenty men each.

So one man lifepods? I don't think so.

The piece is what you expect when it ends right before the crash landing. Very nicely done.


AU Starting Pre KOTOR: Bastila goes on her mission to capture Revan. But things are not what they seem

Remember to sight edit, and watch out especially for grammatical errors. As an example you used are instead of our when discussing the mission. Also, remember that proper names are always capitalized. So revan should be Revan.

Remember conversation breaks. In the talk between Malak and Revan, I was able to keep track by mentally switching from one to the other. A reader should not have to do this, however.

Technical note, Communications in hyperspace: Radio uses wavelengths that would be skewed in hyperspace. So if Revan intended to give the orders he does, he would have had to make that decision before they went into hyper.

Tehnical note, combat: While everyone talks about wanting a 'fair fight', in combat you don't want your life depending on a roll of the dice as it were. To a soldier, having cover, being able to shoot at an enemy without him able to shoot at you is the best of both worlds. So complaining about an enemy trooper killing one of your own 'in cold blood' is like complaining that water is wet.

I'm sorry, having Vrook give the preparatory speech made me flash back to a scene in my own Republic Dawn (Available at Lucasforums under the same user name) where a Padawan learner of Yoda's race is telling some men what they have to do. It ends with:

“If leaks in here it does, none of us leave alive may. Must of others think.” Yodai snapped.
“Tell me, Jedi.” The tech flipped on the pump. “Have you every thought of becoming a motivational speaker?”
“Why ask you?”
“Because I’m in the mood to eat my own gun just being around you.”
I loved it because the Revan we see here is not the murderous mindless thing he is portrayed as usually. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, My own Revan was trying to save the Republic and the Galaxy rather than destroy it, and would probably get along very well with this one.

Pick of the Week

Healing the Force

Starting Pre Battle of Malachor: A new player has been training for over a decade to take her place on the stage

A very interesting read, as we start off not knowing who this is, including name.

What her mission is was not really explained, but there are 52 more chapters, and I wish I could read further.

Pick of the Week

For Love

TFU: Love is a good reason to die

What made me wonder is that Vader already had a clone of his student in the wings. It makes me wonder...

Eight Pilots

TFU: There were others before Juno

An interesting piece because all you know about the previous pilots is that they died. And a wide example of them as well.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-20-2014, 11:25 PM   #1429
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Rogue Commando A Star Wars Fanfiction
Daemonic Coyote

Clone Wars as Order 66 is given: Some of the following carnage seen through one trooper's eyes.

The piece is short, two small chapters covering only one unit. As a first work, it's not bad, but there were a couple of things.

Technical note, Chain of Command: You don't have a clear chain of command, but one thing is fact:

Commandos and regular clone troops are not in the same chain of command. Use this as an example:

A SEAL team is sent in before an amphibious landing. A platoon of Marines lands in the area they have cleared and move inland. In real life, the SEAL team, even if they have been decimated, does not now join the other unit and take command of it. Their job is done, and they would return for another assignment.

Technical note, Number of Jedi encountered: Assuming the figure usually bandied about that there are at any time only 10,000 Jedi, it is unlikely there are more than two assigned to a specific mission. About a quarter of them are still in training, so we have 7,500 actual combat Jedi. Assuming you're fighting on a lot of worlds, you would have less than half of the Jedi in combat at any one time. The rest are either enroute to or from a mission, on R&R, or wounded and out of action. So 3,750.

But how many have been killed before Order 66 is given? Assuming losses of only another quarter, that 7,500 drops to 5,000, meaning out of action is now 2500, and assigned Jedi drops to 2,500, or only two perhaps three per mission.

First Impressions

Mandalorian Wars: He doesn't look like much...

The piece is cute because Revan is always portrayed as a young person, but here we have him without his mask, and the officer isn't impressed. The only problem I had was that since he was in command, who would have ordered him there?

One More Time

Post KOTOR: She had returned, with fond memories she hopes to relive...

Stories where Carth moves on, but Revan does return are few and far between.

But this is one of the best.

Wish I could read further then chapter one; especially how it ended.

Pick of the Week

Unwanted Reunion
Pyra Opal

Pre TSL: Revan finds one more reason to hate himself

The piece was fun in a way, and very sad. The idea that Revan and the Exile met before he went on into the Unknown Regions has been done before, but finding her as an alcoholic one step from the gutter is kind of sad.


KOTOR aboard Leviathan: So many ways to take the revelation...

The piece reminded me of an old Gary Larson Far Side cartoon where it's what someone says, and a dog actually hears with Revan as the dog. The last line made the whole read worthwhile.

The Return of Revan and The Sith

Eight Years Post TSL: The two Jedi return to warn the Republic

Remember conversation breaks. You confuse readers when you leave them out, especially when it jumps back and forth. Remember that proper names are always capitalized, unless it falls within specific guidelines otherwise, such as an English name that begins with two lowercase effs.

Also remember to sight edit. I can understand a child being upset, but having Durham at around seven 'Wining' (As in drinking) just doesn't work.

Technical note, naval nomenclature: If you're just going from here to there, such as a Marine being transported, or a passenger, it's all right to treat the ship as a mobile building. But if you are a member of the crew, you learn the proper nomenclature just to explain to someone else what needs to be repaired. In an old movie 'Four For Texas' they have a funny scene with the Three Stooges where Moe is saying move to the right while facing Larry, who of course moves to his right. Then he orders 'Point right' facing him, and of course, they point in different directions.

On board ship, this is a problem for that very reason. If you have to send someone back to do an emergency repair to the port side engine, you can't have him taking the one working engine off line (His left when he gets there) so people who work aboard boats and ships created their own slang so everyone was on the same page. Read my article at Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece is a nice bit for returning home. The reaction of Satele when she heard her father's name makes me wonder. Assuming she was conceived (But not born) before Revan left, and there were five years between her and Durham, that would make her 12. Is she happy he's home? Or just surprised?

For those with a chance to read it all, you have eleven more chapters...

The Random Ramblings of Revan
Roc Lammergeier

KOTOR Written by both Potatoe Girl and Roc Lammergeier: A different way for the fight between Saul and Carth to end?

I was laughing almost immediately. The story reminded me of the scene from Undercover Brother where the catfight between Aunjanue Ellis and Denise Richards ends up with all of the men, both good guy and bad guys watching and cheering. Having them lock Malak in his office with only Gizka as company was a laugh riot.

And that's just chapter One...

Tied for Best of the Week


TSL: Mical thinks of the Exile as she was, and as he sees her in the future

The piece is an interesting study of another person. Seeing her as a wasted away woman, with an inner strength he learns of only by constant contact. Pining for a love he can never have.


TSL After the Tomb: She fights to return, because she isn't giving up

The piece made me wonder. Once she wakes up Mical is talking as if she had been gone for weeks, not what would logically have been hours.

When the Sky Falls

TSL Before the Tomb: She is different when they finally find her

This piece is a nine chapter departure from the basic game timeline. In the first chapter she enters the Tomb, but from the blurb she is captured by Sion and months pass before she is found again.

The Prologue is neatly written, and instead of a lover, Atton comes across more as an unwilling member of the team with Mical as a student unwilling or unable to emotionally commit.

As I said, nine chapters, and I don't have time to read them all. But don't let that stop you.

Pick of the Week

The Legacy Of Revan

Post KOTOR: How it might have gone.

The primary problems I had with the piece were two.

First, almost no character development. You can toss in a generic Revan, but except for rapidly shifting loyalties, Xarek and Kahrina are merely 'Sith male and Sith lord female, one each'.

The other is Darth Plagius and Sidious? Two Sith coming from several thousand years in the future?

Elina Trevisan

Mandalorian Wars: Revan discovers the new threat

The piece is very well done, inserting a mention of the True Sith but with only a few clues as to where they might be. It is interesting that these Sith seem to have retained some of the Rakatan Technology that had been lost. Also the idea that Malak had changed his name after he got the tattoos.

Six chapters ending when the war does. A pity I can't read them all.

Tied for Best of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-27-2014, 10:39 PM   #1430
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Cathar's Final Battle


Mandalorian Wars: A team of warriors escort a tribe to safety.

Pre Mandalorian Wars flashback: A young warrior is told of the struggle of one clan during the massacres on Cathar.

Technical note, 'sniper': A sniper is the man, not the weapon

Technical note, Basilisk crew: According to KOTOR, there was a one man crew that rode them down from orbit externally. In TSL, they were able to carry three (The Exile a pilot and one other) internally by ripping out the weapons. Looking at the pictures (Not of the Basilisk from TSL, but the models) It's like a scene from the first Project A-Ko movie where a car transforms into a fighting robot, but inside it, the driver is contorted and unable to even move. If you don't understand what I mean, go to Google, click on Images, and put in Star Wars Basilisk, or Basilisk War Droid.

The primary problem I see with your work is the battle scenes are unrealistic. The Loren are really too good, and their Mandalorian enemies too bad. Even when they are shot and dying, the Loren are eliminating enemy troops readily while the first 'fair' fight (Because you have their pride involved) had three Mandalorians attacking an apparently lone Cathar.

When Saving the Universe is your Only Option


Remember to sight edit. You had a hood covering 'their' face instead of her face for example.

Technical note, Character Reactions and interactions: You have people going for a violent response too quickly in the first part. I could let your Revan slide on that; if you were reacting to an intruder attempting to rifle your pockets, I can understand it. But a military officer in a secure area drawing to fire at someone approaching rapidly doesn't gel. Naval ships almost always tie up to secure areas where an enemy cannot get to them readily. Example:

The commanding officer of USS Nimitz is impatiently waiting for a senatorial aide. He sees someone running toward the gangway, and draws his sidearm...

Now admittedly, there have been attacks on ships in supposedly secure areas, but it is a rarity. And attacks by lone gunmen as it were don't happen.

More importantly, the commanding officer of a ship rarely ends up escorting people around his command; regardless of their status. So having Bastila order him to do so was insulting.

Technical note, Skirmishes enroute: The hyperdrive distance a ship can travel in Star Wars has never been adequately explained. Because of this, often you see ships jumping directly into a system with no warning. The attack on Coruscant in ROTS, and the attack on the second Death Star at Endor for example. So unless you have to make several jumps, you wouldn't have a chance for a skirmish enroute. This is not a negative; I for one have always been bothered by the 'we'll make it in one jump attitude' the series has always used.

Technical note, 'You swore an oath': Civilians are not considered combatants, so having your hero swear an oath to act as a soldier doesn't make sense. This does not mean they will not fight, and even end up armed. Just that they are not soldiers per se.

Technical note, Weapons effects: Unless the vibration cell has been turned off, a vibroblade is not simply going to make a hole going in and coming out. Just falling down as you described still holding it will cause it to make a larger wound.

After all of the above, you probably expect me to flame you. However the piece is quite good. When you have med-packs being used, you're not having them magically undo all of the damage. Having to use both the computer and the droid was a nice touch. Your version of Revan is a refreshing twist.

I Am
Fatal Rendevous

No specific era given: A woman goes from dancer to Bounty Hunter

I was confused, primarily because her first act in her new role was not as a bounty hunter, but as a woman gaining revenge. I understand why she wished to, and even that she isn't done yet, but that doesn't make her one.

This reminds me of an old movie (Try 1965) named the Bounty Killer. The problem is that as often as you see people being captured and turned in by a hunter back in the old West, that's not even close to being accurate. If you get paid the same amount for a positively identified body, why would most people even try to bring him in alive?

By the 1890s, the entire process west of the Mississippi was abandoned for the same reason I detest the Star Wars version of the role; if you had the money to afford the posters and the bounty, you could have someone killed, as they did in the movie the Unforgiven.

A year or so ago, I suddenly had a scene appear in my mind. A town had put out a wanted poster reading WANTED: SCHOOLMARM. A few weeks later, someone rushes in to tell the mayor that a schoolmarm had been found, and he runs out to meet her. He finds a sterotypical bounty hunter, with a horse, and draped over it, is a dead woman.

When he explains they wanted her alive, the bounty hunter only says, 'Oops...”

Knights Of The Old Republic III: The Sith Empire
The Infiniator

Post TSL: Like Revan before him, the Exile plans on how to leave his friends behind

The piece is a simple slice of life before his departure. The only negative I had was constantly referring to him as the Exile.

As I pointed out almost a year ago, Benedict Arnold was known to be a traitor to the Americans, but he didn't go through his life back in England constantly being called the Traitor.

Four Points in Time

From training to joining the Force: Nihilus as he was, and became

Remember to sight edit. You used to instead of too, and misspelled regardless.

This, like the last story by the author that I read, is a radical departure. The author had made Nihilus a person like any other in a lot of ways, and I applauded that merely because it was different.

There were two things about the story that I was not satisfied with. First was the characterization of his command style. Oh there are generals like he is described; unflinching and willing to accept sometimes massive losses to succeed. In fact my own version of Nihilus in my own Return From Exile was like this. But in my own he was relieved of command because of those losses.

The best way to understand war is to examine a game the Chinook Indians used to play called Potlatch. It is played by destroying something of your own, and your opponent must match or beat it be doing the same. It ends when one opponent admits defeat. The only form of war I have found so far where no one is even injured, let alone die.

The other thing is the version of what being part of the Force afterward is like. Oh I'll admit I can't see both sides kicking back and chugging brews as they discuss the differences in what they had done, but as Isaac Asimov and Robert Heinlein said in different ways, your enemy is not a wholly evil person. He has reasons why he did what he did, and without knowing why, you can't understand him. The latter author added 'It means you have some regret when you finally kill him'.

Douglas Fett Origins
Douglas Fett

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Two orphans find a new home

Technical note, Dating: As I have pointed out previously this year, while a lot of authors use it, dating conventions have caused us to change when something happened, but were not in use at the time. CE (Or the old AD) was not even suggested until the 6th century, and wasn't in common usage until the 8th. As I sarcastically commented, it would be like going out to buy a book on the life of Jesus a year after he died, and finding it published in 1 AD.

I was confused, then surprised to find that your spelling of warriour is merely archaic, rather than an error. I also liked your comment in the intro that any non Mando'a terms were in Gaelic.

When I wrote my own stories with them as characters, I checked the same index you no doubt used, and only created words when I couldn't find one, and have admitted it when asked. In my Genesis of a Jedi, I had Sasha's Mando'a come from a specific dialect to get around the fact that the words used, were different.

The piece is eleven chapters, and I liked it from the start, but sadly, do not have time to read it all the way through.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

Fett Betrayal
Douglas Fett

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun:

Remember to sight edit, because a spellchecker ignores words that are wrong but spelled correctly. You used rein (as in controlling a horse) instead of rain for example.

Technical note, surprise attack: The primary problem I had with the opening battle scene was there was no warning at all. I agree that with the human element in the mix, you can achieve some surprise, but in a modern threat environment under wartime conditions (Say a naval task force) your defensive weapons are on automatic, meaning that if a missile comes from a submarine say, your CIWS will automatically engage. So the only weapons on a ship that could attack the ground with no warning would be laser fire.

Missiles would have a delay between being fired and striking their target; even in the SW universe; anything from several seconds to several minutes, and your automated defenses would have engaged and destroyed a lot of them enroute. The best recent example I would suggest reading is the Troy Rising series by John Ringo, especially the book Citadel where he covers the problems of planetary defense against enemy smart missiles.

But bombs imply a delivery system; either a mass driver on board ship to launch kinetic energy weapons (KEW) or bombing aircraft or spacecraft. These have an even longer delivery time, because you must either charge up the mass driver (With a period to recharge before a second shot) or launch the bombers and have them proceed to the target. Note, I am not including prep time for the ships because an attacking force would be ready to fire upon arrival, and all bombers are preloaded.

To see an example using KEWs, read Ringo's The Eye of the Storm where they had a class of ship designed specifically for the initial bombardment with hundreds of KEW launchers.

Technical note, time spent: I don't care what delivery system you use to put troops on the ground, taking a planet away from someone would take longer than an hour, even if the landing is what the Marines would call administrative; meaning you aren't shot at.

Technical note, the Draft: Most warrior societies (Look at the Spartans) didn't consider anyone who had not trained as hard as competent. Oh you can use the draft, and win; the US did it in both world wars. But special units, such as the Rangers, Commandos of both England and Germany, and the First Special Service Force were a breed apart, and far better trained than the average Joe. One reason Sparta went from the top of the line to a third rate power in Greece was because they had been bled white in their wars and didn't have the training anymore.

Also, in Mandalorian society, they have warriors, but also have the support of their people at home. Not every Mando'a fought, though all were trained to. In fact Fett is actually the Mando'a Vhett, and means Farmer.

As an example, the Japanese Navy had a flight training school at Etajima, and before WWII, admitted only a hundred candidates a year. You could be rejected if you'd lost a tooth for example. Because of that, their naval air arm was considered one of the best in the world at the time. The losses caused by Midway made them scramble to train new pilots, but they never caught up.

I enjoyed your comment that the Republic took their strategic pause as a sign of running out of steam. Peter Arnette who used to work for CNN, and has been known since Vietnam for slanting his stories ended up being fired because when the Coalition forces stopped two weeks into OIF, he boasted on air that the Americans had lost their nerve.

The battle scene was well done, even the idea that the main character was being shot and not noticing. The only negative I had for that is that common slugs used by a cannon are from 20mm up to 30mm, and they would literally have blown his legs off. So I assumed it was shrapnel.

Well written.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

In Crossing Fire
Douglas Fett

Mandalorian Wars: The hero and another are sent to Hoth

Technical note, Hoth?: I understand having prepositioned equipment ahead of your advance, and also that you are using planets known to all of us. But this didn't work for me.

If you look at the Galaxy map from wookiepedia, Mandalore (Which to be correct should be Mand'alor) is up in square O7, while Hoth is in K18, literally the entire Republic apart. As an example, this would be like the Japanese or Nazis during WWII secretly building a supply depot in St Louis MO.

Technical note, Hyperdrive: If any of the old war droids had been available after the Clone wars, I could see installing one. But since internal hyperdrives didn't exist until after the Clone Wars, I don't see it.

Except for the comments above, again I liked the work. What I did get to read (Only the first of six chapters) was good. Except I don't see sending only two men on the mission. Unless you consider a pair of Legionnaires as that much better than the average soldier.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

Hidden Hand
Douglas Fett

Mandalorian Wars after the Jedi support: The team is assigned to find out who the real enemy is

Technical note, Guerrilla warfare: When you're losing a war, or trying to build up to fight back in a more organized way, Guerrillas are what you use. Both the US and British fielded special units, the Commandos in England, and the Marine Raiders in the Pacific. You also had the SAS, OSS, and the SOE (Special Operations Executive) fighting behind the lines. Of those, only the last two trained and led locals in behind the lines operations.

Nine chapters, and the first made me wish again that I could read them all.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week


Clone Wars: Such a simple gesture

The piece is tightly written, and I enjoyed it immensely. In fact I was stunned to discover that I have missed every one of the previous stories, all eight of them. So I have to back track to make up for it...

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

Stolen Fire

Clone Wars: A little unexpected downtime

Like the previous work, I liked the writing style a lot. Having the man decide to take advantage is stock, as is the reaction of the woman, but very well done.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

Armour Of Fire

Clone Wars: The lone Jedi reflects, and reconciles in her mind.

Technical note, AT-AT: Since I know what one looks like, I was confused as to how it could be dropped like an assault shuttle. The walkers the Clones used were delivered by modified shuttles, which wouldn't be large enough for this purpose. Also, they were first seen in TESB, which means twenty odd years later.

The piece is a departure from the two previous works. You see someone who isn't the typical Jedi, someone moody, holding her hatred in, though only barely. But part of her is unsatisfied with that. So the reconciling mentioned is only in her mind.

Tied for Combined Best of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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