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Old 04-14-2014, 09:44 AM   #1401
machievelli
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The reason for the comment was that as I said, she would have been disarmed, so having her conceal a dagger might not work. Having one, but needing to draw the courage to use it as a way out was my point.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:03 AM   #1402
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Ok. I misunderstood your post.
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:01 AM   #1403
machievelli
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Fists of Blood (A Wuxia Novel)
Christos200

Set in 17th century China: The Manchu invaders find the surviving Han supporters a tough nut to crack.

The phrase is, 'the news is' not the news are. Or by changing news to reports, it would make sense. You call someone immediately, not call immediately someone.

As much as a group of yes men might disagree, the comment made by Mei makes sense. If you look back in history to before the Soviet Union, the Ukraine has always been an unwilling vassal of first the Empire, and then the Union. During WWII, both the Ukraine and Russian Georgia (along with the Cossacks) fielded their own units which fought for the Nazis against the Communists.

In fact in a history of post war Europe, it was mentioned almost casually that the Red Army routinely used the Ukraine for most of their exercises. The same thing NATO did in Germany until the late 80s because according to the surrender agreement signed in 1945, they didn't have to worry as much about civilian complaints.

Also, no invasion that I remember has ever been accepted with open arms by the populace, as much as any propagandist or later history says so. The invaders move in, most of the people try to settle back into their normal lives, but a core of those who wish to resist will still be ready to fight.

But then you have the situation escalate almost out of control. No matter how trusted he might be, Mei is, by definition, a traitor to his people by assisting the present government, and no traitor is ever really trusted, since he might turn on you next. So they would not have allowed him a weapon anywhere near the Commanding General.

The escape might have made sense if you had Mei kill one of the generals with a crossbow before all of the soldiers were sent in. No competent officer is going to have everyone on one side of this bamboo forest, he is going to be assigning men to surround it, and using only the 2000 troops that had been there for the assassination, they could have put at least a cordon around it while calling in more. If he had killed one, the enemy would have withdrawn out of crossbow range, and this would have made it easier to sneak through the cordon. And as slow firing as a crossbow is, having the other general stand like an idiot to die next didn't make sense.

Last, no matter how good a sniper would be, killing the two generals would have not caused a full scale retreat if the officers below them are even remotely competent. Take this as an example:

A regimental combat team is assigned to capture or kill a single guerrilla. Two generals arrive with a company (in the US about a hundred men) and send them into the forest where he is as three more companies arrive. So with the first company, you would have a captain and three or four lieutenants. With the additional you now have the same number of junior officers, and at least one major or colonel. Yet when the sniper hits the Generals with his sniper rifle, all of these officers run away. A single captain or even what they call sarcastically a butter bar Lieutenant holding them together would have gotten promoted rapidly.

By example, on one of Napoleon's campaigns, his army was stopped by a river. The officers were busy discussing how much bridging wood they would need. Napoleon pretty much shouted for someone to figure it out. One of the privates shouted that he could determine it, and Napoleon told him to try.

The man stepped to about six or seven feet from the bank they were on, then tilted his helmet down until it matched the far bank. He then did a right face, shouted at a man he knew to pace out until he was that distance away, and told him to stop. 'That much, sir!'.

The private was made a lieutenant of engineers that very day.

Actually, compared to your usual work, this wasn't too shabby. You only made two obvious mistakes in the first posting except for the performance of your troops in the field. I think part of the problem is you appear to be ESL, (using a translation program) and you are watching Chinese movies with subtitles in your mother tongue. Having dealt with both the Bing and Google translators to read pages in other languages, a lot of what I have been dinging you on could be two different translations; one from Chinese to what you normally speak, the other, to English.

The Empire Strikes Back
Amme Moto

Crossover KOTOR to the Rebellion: Our time traveling heroes are looking for a few good Jedi

Unable to read further than the first chapter, but a lot of what I didn't know from the previous works was here in this one. I thought the concept that she's going to go through a prolonged first stage of pregnancy was fun, and the explanation of why made perfect sense.

One note. If someone who has joined the Force is omniscient, they would also know how it's going to turn out. The two discussions with Obi Wan that Luke had after his death didn't suggest it. Not even Obi Wan knew that as Yoda said, 'there is another'.

The Many Faces of Revan
Misfit93

KOTOR on the Star Forge: A meeting of a very unique sort.

All of us have at one time or another read of alternate dimensions, and having one possible Jedi power be being able to reach across and pull your counterpart into your world has an interesting flavor to it. Here we have two, the one with that capability, and another who is excellent at organizing doing so from a multitude of universes is intriguing.

Since every decision made before you were even born could logically create such a parallel, the idea that you have both sexes, dark and light, even different skin and hair tones works, and having them gather because all of these have one critical decision in common, working together also makes sense. Well worth the read.

Best of the Week

Sith battle for the Exile's Heart
The Unlife King Alucard

Post TSL: A battle for his affections

The build up to the battle was the most interesting. Both the Handmaiden and Visas vie for this, and there is enough commentary that we know that if Mira had survived, it would have been a three way contest.

The author gives us both options, having one win and gain it, though how the loser dies is different.

Nobody Knew
Shadows Of The Storm

TSL, no specific portion given: A descent into suicidal madness

The piece is chilling in it's portrayal. Losing the Force, getting it back and discovering the Galaxy depends on her is too much for the Exile. Her friends keep her from escaping it. But I am reminded of a simple truth; that if someone honestly wants to die, you can't really stop it.

All You've Ever Been
UndeniablyMe

Five years after TFU1: Juno Eclipse still deals with her loss

The biggest problem in life is that someone you love can die first. Here we have Juno dealing with the loss of Galen, and to her mind, the worst part is that she didn't see him die. An author once said that unless you see someone die, they are still there somewhere, and one day you'll turn the corner and see them yet again. The ending links to TFU II when Juno's voice asks 'will I ever see you again?'. Because in her mind, he is not dead.

KotOR: Repercussions of Evil
The Fire Lily

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan as re assumed the mantle of Dark Lord

The piece is confusing, and the author admits that the writing is bad. But it was an interesting read

Restroom Rendezvous
flooj9235

KOTOR before Korriban: When Bastila interrupts Revan in the shower, she had not anticipated what followed

A brief but very fun read. The idea that Bastila makes the first move, yet runs away from it makes sense, just like her returning because she can no longer deny her feelings. The double entendre of the last conversation was fun from both sides.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Republic Commando: Beta Squad
RC-1262

Clone Wars on Geonosis: A team has a mission

The biggest problem is that what we see is a game being played. There are several problems with that to a reader.

First, you don't have a first battle of Geonosis without having a second battle. In an old story about a character named Encylopedia Jones, the main character proves a sword supposedly given to Stonewall Jackson is a fake because it was engraved with 'first battle of Bull Run' and had been given (Supposedly) a week or so later. However the battle was called Manassas, not Bull Run by the Confederates, and there was no way they could have anticipated that there would be a Second battle a year later.

While having constant contact with you command sounds good, you can't depend on it in real life, and having command drop in what you need every time (As H Beam Piper said in a story) an officer prays into his radio, Also there is what is called the 'fog of war'. All reports of enemy troops and movements are estimates, not exact. Last, until you have actually examined a bunker system created by an enemy, you would not have detailed blueprints to use. So having them enter a bunker, and having 'command' know exactly where you have to go is not logical.

Memories
Exce

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Brief snippets of her early life.

The only real negative I have is the idea that the young soon to be apprentices are allowed to pretty much run unchecked. To quote from an old song by Cat Stevens, 'from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen' says it all. Any religious order will take a new novice and as soon as they can understand, mold them in the pattern they want. A child below the age of three might get away with this, but an age of three wouldn't be allowed to run away into the library, would they?

Light in the Dark
Lord Trayus

TSL After Dantooine: Atton comforts the distraught Exile

Remember to sight edit. You are using incorrect wording, and it makes it hard for the reader to follow. Even the best writer needs to remember this, so don't think I am dinging you unnecessarily. I was looking at my own Return From Exile from this site, and noticed that the posted work needed tweaking.

Oddly enough, thanks to my antipathy toward Mical, I have never played a female character without the 'get Handmaiden' mod, so here is the second time where I see the aftermath of a Handmaiden attack on the ship. I also know (From that other work where the author mentioned Atton just flies) that Mical is the one in the scene instead of Atton. In my own, thanks to the mod, you get Visas.

The Opening Salvo of the Mandalorian Wars
Darth Garek

Start of the Mandalorian Wars: The first battle when the Mandalorians invest Onderon tries their mettle

Remember to sight edit. There were words used that were confusing, and any confusion for the reader causes them to slow down. If it gets too bad, they stop reading.

A first negative, a wasteland is something where nothing lives. Onderon is more a jungle environment, where a lot of things live.

Wingmen: A wingman relationship, whether infantry or fighter pilots is special, and except for one situation, is never two brand new troopers. Usually, a new man is assigned to an experienced one. This give him a chance to survive long enough to become experienced. The one situation when you would throw two newbies together is an emergency.

The battle was relatively well laid out, except for the 'our bullets kill you, but yours have little effect' of the last push. The confusion on one side, and the determination on the other is also well done.

Training Session
FuryanJedi13

Post TSL on Dantooine: It's not all work

The author's comments on what the scene was based on warned me, so I'm not going to shout that it was derivative. The piece is well laid out, the entire fight well done, and the end choice.

Oh, and I agree, to hell with canon at least this once; let them have their happy ending and fun.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:36 AM   #1404
machievelli
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Sorry for the delay. Computer problems, Wi Fi problems, you name it.


Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: The Road not Taken
Chevron 7 Locke

Star Wars set I believe in TOR: A Jedi examining an unknown artifact has some.. problems.

The author is very good, and when I see the name I am always pleased. The piece has some things that made it very interesting. The artifact is merely an unknown but the Jedi are just assuming it's Sith made because they have no record of making it.

The activation of it reminds me of the old movie My Science Project where an accidental link to human tech (A flashlight brought too close to it) causes it to begin first drawing, then seeking out further electricity until it activates.

But before this device fully activates, you have something whispering, and one of the phrases was 'a road less traveled, which made me think of the Robert Frost Poem (The Road not Taken) and the Harry Turtledove story The Road Less Traveled. Both works looking at.

I agree with the one reviewer of this piece. When will we see more, Chev?

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Miserly Reborn
Wakkomonkey9258

Mandalorian Wars on Malachor V: Darth Nihilus is born

The piece is a bit confusing. Is the dark figure what he is to become? Or is this merely his first victim? Didn't have enough time to read further, but maybe the second short chapter will answer that.

Maybe
SmileMandalore

KOTOR after the Leviathan Revelation: Is her love for Carth really worth the pain?

The piece is well wrought. I had my own Revan going through this before their arrival at Korriban, and in mine, she fought this battle completely in her head. Here we have problems mainly because she herself doesn't know if who she once was will reemerge, and her snapping at Carth is because she is frustrated. And while Canderous' comment is meant well, it doesn't really help her.

Pick of the Week

Every Word
ZiOfShadows

Has to be Post KOTOR...: All right, now how do you fix this?

I'm not sure how many who read this are underage, but I will tell you something that isn't a secret, when people get drunk, to say it politely, 'excrement occurs'. What might seem like a very funny joke can backfire big time, and the two who were caught in it are two of the best on the ship, because you honestly can't seem them together. The problem, as it is here, is to get them past what has happened without making it an even bigger mess.

Pick of the Week


https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5652738/1/Cakey
Cakey
SmileMandalore

Post TSL: After losing her Father, the daughter of the Exile and Atton faces other problems.

The piece is nicely written, and I wished I could read further. My main questions are, did Mira just go back to her old job? And who is the father of Shen?

Kotor the bodyguard
Rusak

Post KOTOR: A man assigned to find Revan if he went missing is now in hot pursuit

The biggest negative is that you give his resume or parts of it, three times. You yourself corrected a similar problem later about his gloves. It's a tendency that continues, since you can modify a weapon, but don't need to go over exactly how, or how you gain access beyond 'find a spot where they won't notice from either side'.

You're also doing, what in movie or theater is called 'breaking the fourth wall'. This is when you make comments as an aside to the audience, such as Ferris Bueller talking to the audience to explain his foibles. When done right, it is an amusing trick, but if done incorrectly, it tends to distract the reader, since there is no fourth wall.

I used an analogy in a Religious debate about the 'Holy' Trinity, because most assume that they are co-equal, but I pointed out that if a Character in a fictional account makes the same basic comment Jesus did at one point, pointing to the Sky and saying 'The Author is Greater than I', it would just be confusing.

There are also problems with continuity. You have people trapped by him in the hanger, and only then mention that he had hacked in and has the security droids running interference. Also, whether assassin or bounty hunter, the collateral damage of the guards would be incidental to him. You're having him do something quite stupid (Shooting the two guards instead of killing them quietly and hiding the bodies) then calling on them to surrender rather than merely shooting all of them, or bypassing them.

I would suggest that you watch the episode 'The True Noir' from the series Noir. In that episode, the two assassins that make up Noir are hired to kill a man, but someone warns him and they end up in a running gun battle. At no time does anyone on either side call for a surrender; the pair will die if they do, and the suborned police have their orders. In a gangland situation, you would have the same problem. This is not the police raiding them, it's a bounty hunter, and the rules used by law enforcement do not apply.

I tend to ding people on things that are common in the games like stealth generators and personal shields for a simple reason; if such things did exist previously, they would have shown up in the movies as well. Since most of the creators of Sci Fi RPGs started with games like Dungeons and Dragons, they automatically add things from that game, superior armor, stealth, super weapons etc, this is a constant problem for me.

The basics are good, and you know you need to work on grammar, so there is not a whole lot of negatives beyond what I mentioned.

Star Wars: Bravo Company
Soul Reaper 2.0

One month after Geonosis: A Clone unit gets a new Jedi advisor

Technical note, military protocol: While all of the clones no doubt trained together, you will note that they are punctilious about the chain of command. So having a pair of grunts challenging a corporal about his authority doesn't make sense. In a real unit today, it will cause said non-com ripping a strip off you.

Technical note, reputation: As much as a unit has it's own esprit de corps, it isn't going to be common knowledge less than a month into a war without very special circumstances. As an example, in the Troy Rising Series by John Ringo, you have one as yet unnamed pilot pull off a daring feat of flying to get her ship into cover when an enemy force arrives. So yeah, she's going to earn a rep.

It isn't until the second book, Citadel, where she gets a name, and her action is repeated now from the other side, her doing what had to be done in a dangerous situation, and earning the call sign Comet from it.

Technical note, choke point: There should be some expansion on how this one demolition expert has succeeded in forcing the enemy to use the one place where you can trap a larger force.

The piece is relatively well written, and my primary complaint after that intro is why it wasn't continued.

Help Me
Cally Starkiller

Pre-KOTOR: With Revan captured, they now have to create the new person

The conversation about how they were going to disguise her reminded me of a sarcastic comment about Opera, where somone wearing the exact same costume from the previous scene suddenly becomes unknown because they are wearing a mask. You don't even have to give her a haircut because she spent all of that time in armor.

But having Bastila act with revulsion when she looks at Revan is a problem. If someone is always nervous or repulsed around you, it suggests problems between you, and Revan would recognize that.

The main problem is it was far too short.

Revan's Legacy
Jedi Revan8645

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: The last battle, and what follows

Remember to sight edit. You have a phrase 'I am be on your jests' that made absolutely no sense. The entire work was riddled with places where the reader had to puzzle out what you meant, or go back and reread.

As I have told a lot of people over the years, a story is like a river. Most of the time you're just floating along on your raft watching the scenery, with occasional white water and rapids. But if it's all rapids, the reader loses interest. Those who go running the rapids still have the gentle area where they board their boats. And where they get off.

Gone
AfictionalWriter

Post KOTOR: Revan leaves, and Carth must decide to find her

If you're talking about the character, you should tell us who he is. I knew what the story was about but saying captain or the captain didn't make it clear until he grabs his jacket.

Also, while recruits are looked down on, they are not considered contemptible. The man seeing them, whether a senior enlisted man or officer, was once where they were. The contempt would for their 'oh I'm going to become famous' attitude. As the author of the book the Big Red One said, surviving a war is what is important.

Technical Note, Military ranks: Unless the ship is huge (And nothing existing on Earth qualifies) it is commanded by a captain. Even the ranks in foreign most foreign navies the ranks denote the class of the ship, or ranking in their system, such as Korvetten-Kapitain in German or Kapitan pervogo ranga (Captain First Class) in the Russian Navy.

When it comes to larger combatants, such as the battlecruisers and battleships of the Second World War, you would have a squadron or division (Two ships) with an admiral aboard, but the ship itself is still commanded by a Captain. The Admirals command the entire unit, whether his two ships or his eight in a squadron. This goes for every navy on the planet.

By huge, I mean something too big to land on a planet, or when it has a lot of different commands assigned to it, such as the ships of David Weber's Dahak Series, where they are thousands of kilometers across, and full crews of hundreds of thousands. Even then though, the actual commanding officer of the ship is only designated a Fleet Captain rather than Admiral.

In the SW universe you have this happening, even if some of these are still rather small in comparison. A Super Star Destroyer in TESB (Crew supposed to be 140,000 according to the RPG) was still commanded by a Captain, even though Vader was in charge. So it would be logical to say Grand Moff Tarkin commanding the Death Star (Crew of over a Million but only about 170 km across) is an admiral. But an admiral is only a passenger on a ship, and is supposed to route all orders through the Commanding officer, or the Captain.

Technical Note, Escaping in a fighter: Remember that this is 4,000 years before Yavin, and as much as twenty odd years earlier during the Clone Wars, fighters were still using hyper-rings rather than interior hyperdrives. In a fighter she can get somewhere else in a star system, but not in seconds.

You ended on an odd note. As I mentioned above, Revan could not have gone too far, and even if you assume a super secret hyper drive for the fighter, hasn't been gone that long. So tracking her, and working out where she might be going is relatively simple. But you have him running off to Dantooine without further explanation.

How To Save A Life
Tankgirly

Post TFU: Juno returns to Galen's old home

The piece like a lot of those written before TFU II came out is both sad and poignant. All she has is memories.

Why Mira Does The Shopping for the Ebon Hawk
SkySong2

TSL: Companion piece to Why Bastila Does the Shopping for the Ebon Hawk

This is the second 'list-fic' by the authors, and was really amusing because all of the comments fit the characters very well. The last comment, about the gumbo she makes reminds me of my own Mando'a dish, Merdai stew. The description is 'it's what you can find, and what you can catch'. But as much as she thinks Manda'lor isn't looking down her shirt...

Imperfect Destiny
Darth Yuthura

5 years post TSL: A gladiator finds he has another reason to live.

The byplay between Genda the gladiator, and Tashi, the slave mistress given to him is interesting because it brings out the one thing people forget about slavery; If you have been raised your entire life as a slave, you really have nothing to compare your present life to.

Part of the reason a number of the freed slaves after the War Between the States stayed in the south was not because they wanted to, but because they didn't understand they actually had a choice in what to do from that point on, and the attitudes of their neighbors who now had to compete with them for jobs didn't help.

Genda was born free, and he is actually worse because he sees no end to this life, and the very idea of having a choice is incomprehensible to Tashi. When she decides for once to do what she wants, rather than what he wants, it confuses him, even if it is what he has been trying to get her to do all this time.

The actual fight scene was well done, and in a way reminded me of the original novelette The Sand Kings, because the idiot who bought the original creatures got bored and began having them face harder and harder enemies. You know that unlike the Sand Kings, he's alone, so eventually they are going to pit him against something too tough to beat.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-11-2014, 07:41 AM   #1405
machievelli
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A Datapad in the Unknown Regions
Michiko Mokuyaba

Text written 15 months after KOTOR: A last message from Revan to the Exile

Remember to sight edit, as there are a lot of times where you used the wrong words. Don't take that as a complete negative. If you have read my own postings, I sometime make the same mistake in haste.

One thing bothered me. You call the Exile by name, yet address it to Exile. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

The piece is a bit disjointed, but that is because the person dictating it is also a bit disjointed by their own admission. The comment to not choose an order to follow fits well with my own comment in Genesis of a Jedi; 'there is no dark, there is no light, there is only the Force'.

Beyond my comment above, well done

Dreams, Death, and Hope
Swgeek

After General Order 66: Is it the start of sorrow? Or of happiness?

The only negative I have for the piece is them saving the two moth old fetus for her to see. She didn't need to see this to know the child had been stillborn, though it did set up the idea of what followed.

An Audience With the Shadow Queen
4th of Eleven

Pre APM: Palpatine seeks advice from the dead. But doesn't get what he wanted...

The primary negative I have is why is there A; a holocron on Lehon, B; how someone who during KOTOR itself would merely be someone who had been assumed dead listed and most important, C; that has a listing of where she died five years or more later?

Her advice is cogent. Displaying your power as a Sith in the Galaxy right before his rise to power is like the old joke about the nail and the hammer. By concealing himself even as he learns more, he is able to achieve Darth Bane's vision of a Sith ruler ship, and by going for political power instead of simply trying to take on the galaxy alone, he can achieve it. After all, Hitler was elected to his position.

The Gathering Storm
Rogermein

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan has a new assignment, and discovers a deeper mystery

The piece has an interesting dark feel to it. Revan comes across almost as a Sith before he actually reveals his face to the equerry, then as an impish boy by suggesting she stuffed her bra. There is not a lot beyond the treatment of the last Jedi's native guide, and the basic situation, but it looks worth reading further. With 16 chapters, that is a lot further.

In Practice
Blackberet

Post KOTOR: Memories begin to drive a wedge between Carth and Revan

The story is very well done, and the way the memories are returning is perfect. It isn't a linear progression, but memories surfacing as something outside triggers them. In real life medical science, this is closer than the 'denouement' type you see on television or a movie. The memories are sometimes happy, sometimes terrifying. But the harder ones begin to strain the relationship.

Pick of the Week

Hell of Your Own Creation
Wakkomonkey9258

TSL Post 2nd Telos: Nihilus discovers that death is only the beginning of his torment

While well wrought, I did not enjoy the piece. I have never accepted an eternal tormenting hell unless like the Taoists, it is one you chose for yourself by your actions. Though if you are into that kind of thing, it is a great story.

Jorhaa
Eyyowlf

During the Clone Wars: A little barracks downtime for our favorite Clone team

The one thing I have always loved about most of the authors here, is that even with a dozen clones sitting around a table, no two are alike beyond the obvious. This is no exception. Just take the average barracks scene from any war movie. The one reading porn, another reading a technical journal, the focused killer merely on down time, and the one who melds them together.

Pick of the Week

Honest
IoanNemos

TSL, no specific location given: When it's to make her happy, he is willing to help his competitor

One thing I like when I am reading is when the author surprises me. You're sitting there with the 'been there done that' attitude, and something comes right out of right field to smack you. This one did that to me, helping to save a life, but it isn't until the end that you find out who is saved.

Pick of the week

Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lord
Annyneospike13

TSL on Peragus: The saga begins

Remember to sight edit, you used surpassed when you meant the passage of time for example

Basically a retelling of the story starting with T3 repairing the Ebon Hawk. I wonder why you had the plasma torch imbedded in Kreia, suggesting a wound, but have her sit up immediately as if there is no damage.

An Apprentice in Hand
Frank Hunter

TFU On assignment: Galen meets someone you wouldn't anticipate...

Remember to sight edit. Some sections were a bit cumbersome, but that is what sight editing is for.

This author, as one previously, surprised me with the identity of Starkiller's opponent. I'm sitting here saying 'how does she know PROXY is used by Vader' among other things. But it does explain how the Emperor would discover his existence.

Best of the week

Star's Eclipse
TheDoc811

Midpoint of TFU: Galen is saved by Vader, but why?

The piece is interesting to me because I have never played the game. My laptop doesn't have the memory or graphics needed. I know enough about the basic story to follow it as I read them, and this is what you might call the high point of the story, doing something right because he wants to.

The author obviously got enough people saying 'Yes!' to continue it, 12 chapters long so far.

What is Right
ArtemisUndergoingMitosis

TSL after 2nd Telos: Dealing with the aftermath

The piece is a little slice of life with the Exile speaking to Atris after the battle. Atris comes across as you would expect, a shattered woman unwilling to admit yet that there is a life ahead of her. She is still obsessed with the fact that she had fallen, unwilling to make the effort to climb out of the hole she had created.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:30 AM   #1406
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Lung Chang I - Feast on the Snowy Mountain (Wuxia)
Christos200

You tear clothing, but once it has been done, it's torn. It is What man, not which man when speaking of Chang's reaction.

Once you have described a scene, you do not need to repeat it, only elaborate on it. Depth of snow, where rocks bushes or trees stick up out of it, that kind of thing. You are still using phrases incorrectly, though only two, both when Chang strikes his opponent.

The piece is rather good except for what I mentioned above. After seeing the portrayal of the character, his manners, his polite mien, I myself wondered if he was guilty. Though fiction is replete with urbane villains. Having him suggest that they sit and sup before trying to kill each other is the height of polite behavior, though having them slug down entire jars of wine is a bit much.

Sartorial Eloquence
Jen DeClan

TSL, sort of, with a crossover to Mass Effect: The Exile has to escape from Peragus, but does he really have to take those dweebs with him?

You are warned the piece is a parody, so expect to giggle a bit as you read it. It starts with him whining about having ratty clothes and red tennis shoes, segues to Kreia's comments with the 'dinging' sound of announcements in malls, to Atton doing his job better when he's drunk than sober, and the list of sometimes ridiculous puns, japes and jokes just roll on.

I loved the RPG bag, which is explained like the storage section of the HUD, and having him have 'tickle droid' instead of full up stun droid. Also the 'make droid' almost sex scene was funny too. The author admits that portions of the canon game were avoided because of personal pique, and I applaud it.

25 chapters long. I only had time for one, but I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

Contract
LilliaJohnson

Pre TSL: Jaq Rand as a contract killer gets an interesting contract.

The start was amusing, and the primary problem I had with it was it was a bit too short.

Star Wars: Trials
Aquora

Set two and a half years Post SWTOR: Is the power worth the price?

Remember to sight edit. You have some cumbersome wording, and tend sometimes to forget conversation breaks. Always remember, part of the 'job' of writing is to make the work easier on the reader. If they have to back track, or puzzle out what you mean, it is less enjoyable.

For some reason you use both Aquora and Aerrow, with no provenance for the second name. It is as if there are two people there, or perhaps it is his family name. But without knowing, it is merely confusing. As an example, if you have a character named John Doe, you would refer to him sometimes as John, and at other times as Doe, and the reader can still flow past it without questions.

The Handmaiden
TeareWall

TSL on Telos: The Handmaiden speaks out for the travelers they hold

The work needs sight editing, but that was minor. The biggest stumbling block I had was having her sisters call her by her title in the game. You gave one, the closest to her in age a name, but didn't have them use her given name at any point. Even in a military unit, when you are all of a close rank, the only time you would use the rank instead of their name is in a purely military situation. As an example, when Audie Murphy was still a non com, his men called him Audie more often than they called him Sergeant.

The argument she give is cogent. They are Atris' handmaidens, not her protector. As she said at the end of chapter two, their job was not to protect Atris, but to protect the Galaxy from the Jedi.

Rise of the Leviathan
Obsidionalis

Pre KOTOR: Bastila faces her greatest challenge

Remember to sight edit. As an example, it should be neither the Republic, nor the Jedi. The primary reason I almost always hit this as an example of a writing error is because it is so common; you're visualizing and recording the events, and you slip up on wording or grammar (Such as waist instead of waste earlier) and don't go back to correct those errors. I do it so often myself that I sometimes go back and still don't see my own error.

That is why some professional writers (Unless pressed for a deadline) tend to set aside a work for as much as a year before doing the edit; you might not see the inconsistencies.

The main negative I have with the work is that you jump from live action to flashbacks without a mention that it is happening. It caused confusion as I read. I would suggest using say italics or at least a break to tell the reader something is happening. A minor point, but a reader can become confused.

Technical note, Inertia: You call them inertia cancelers, though most call them inertial dampeners, but you can't really have a ship traveling for any real distance without them. Oh I know we don't have the technology yet, but for real long distance space travel, you need both artificial gravity, and something to limit or remove inertial effects. Before you point at the moon landings as 'long distance', remember that Mars at it's closest is about 40 million miles away and we haven't gotten there yet.

As much as both Star Wars and Star Trek have ships close enough for visual identification, it is to make it easier for the audience. In reality, they are hundreds and sometimes thousands of kilometers apart. So that 'knife fighting range' scene from ROTJ would never happen in reality. Assuming a small amount of logical separation, say the difference from surface to low orbit (100 kilometers or less) you would need minutes for your ship to arrive without some form of inertial protection. And anything that slow is a dead easy target even with modern military sensors and weapons.

Modern space travel avoids this problem by limiting the duration of the thrust burn, keeping it within what the average human body can take for a limited time, which is why it took several days for the Apollo missions to reach the moon, and why a flight to our next closest neighbor, Mars, is going to take several months. The human body is designed to work in a one G environment, and taking more for extended periods causes a lot of stress. The highest thrust speed we assume we will deal with on that last mentioned mission would be about 4Gs for about twenty minutes, and believe me, having four people your own size and weight sitting on you for that long can be lethal.

As an example, a modern fighter pilot with a G suit that limits the effects of Inertia routinely pull up to 7 Gs in practice, and as much as 15 or more in combat. The lift off of a space shuttle takes several minutes, and routinely does not exceed 3 Gs. If you use just one scene, the escape from Mos Eisely by the Millennium Falcon, she went from rest (after lifting off) to escape velocity (11.2km/s, try 40,000+ kph, or around 25,000 mph) in about two minutes. If you work it out, that is about 500Gs. Without an inertial dampener, at that speed you are reduced to a thin paste on the nearest wall.

The battle scenes were well done, all of the confusion and purposeful movement highlighted well. I especially enjoyed the scenes where she is immersed in battle mediation and can see what is happening. The idea of the Halo, an electronic training device was well done, though I did wonder how long the Jedi had even known of the ability. Perhaps they had found some had it and tried to bring it out? The suggestion that others had been trained by picking fights with small contingents of an enemy made sense, though it could be rough on both men and ships.

Pick of the Week

An aside; When I found the story below, I went to the profile to copy the name so it would be correctly spelled. There I found the story above, which I missed somehow. So I am doing both reviews in this column together.

The Force is a Burden
Obsidionalis

KOTOR beginning with the Leviathan Revelation: What could cause Bastila to willingly embrace the Dark Side?

Compared to most 'Bastila falls' stories, this is unique. We know she can control battle mediation, but the author comes up with a unique form of where it began, as a Dark Side ability. The idea of a government using something they themselves consider reprehensible is age old. The British used it when they adopted the Welsh Longbow so that their troops would be equal to another enemy.

Also, like Terry Prachett's wizards, the Jedi training is to limit your usage of the Force, something the stories harp on constantly.

To discover that your capability to use what is by definition a Dark Side power is bad enough, but then to be tormented on top of that is the choice bit. Wonderful work!

Pick of the Week

Jedi-Academy-I-The-Next-Generation
SoulViper11192

Post ANH on Yavin: New hopefuls arrive. But there is danger...

Basically a retelling of the intro to the JA game, but the internal monologue is well done.

Come On Join the Darkside
Wakkomonkey9258

KOTOR on Lehon: The real reason why Bastila went to the darkside

It was a bit amusing, especially the fact that he tormented her using Barnie! In an old story of my own, I had a modern day member of what could be called Men In Black using old Bonzo movies in the same manner.

Reactions
Wakkomonkey9258

Post TSL: One of the characters reacts badly to TOR

The piece is funny because I for one agreed with Nihilus. What's this 300 year gap crap?

First Flight
SkySong2

Pre KOTOR: A family tradition

This is one of those poignant father and son moments that are meant to be remembered, and as Carth shows, shared again in your own time. The shared 'we went fishing' story was a cute touch.

With another coming along
Imperial1scout

Pre KOTOR: An unexpected crewman aboard the Endar Spire

It looks like an interesting idea. The only real negative is this; My first name is Nick. When I talk about myself, I don't call myself the Critic, or considering my present job, the picketer. So why is the Exile calling himself Exile, and creating Exile rules? I know Benedict Arnold did not go through the rest of his life saying, 'hi, I'm the best known American Traitor'.

Redemption
Skrybble

KOTOR from the Beginning: Redemption begins somewhere

The piece made me actually sit back and think of when I wrote my own KOTOR novel back in 2005. The biggest stumbling block I had with the game originally was that the memories are so vague, and the facts Carth knows about the person are obviously a sanitized copy. It isn't until Bastila begins interrogating you on Dantooine that you 'suddenly' have memories.

The author's way of creating that persona fits very well into what you might anticipate. Creating a new persona would be difficult unless you could create 'plug and play' memory modules to slip into them because you would not know exactly what caused them to become who they are now. In fact in a way that is what they started to do, but discovered that their 'vanilla' soldier wouldn't fit with someone who is unique in other ways.

Like a lot of work here, I wanted to keep reading. This is like having a waitress allow you a single sample bite of a cheesecake, but not let you have a slice.

Best of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-24-2014, 08:19 AM   #1407
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Lung Chang II - Red Feathered Golden Needles (Wuxia)
Christos200

Continuation of Lung Chang I:

While masquerade suggests a disguise, it is not the correct word. Disguise would have been better.

It is points his sword again, and hits with immense strength the arrogant man's chest should be hits the arrogant man's chest with immense strength, and he punched his fist on her face, breaking her nose should be he punched his fist into her face, breaking her nose.

Again, you have someone forcing the issue before a conflict is needed. If you approach someone with a sword in your hand, you have already escalated the conflict just by your presence.

Technical note, setting a date: European dating as in Years since Christ was born, and the months used are European only. The Aztecs had their own calendar, as do the Arabs and the Oriental nations, so using a date that does not yet exist in their world doesn't make sense. If you are going to set this in China, find out the dating system used in their nation at the time.

As an example, in the Bible book of Luke, the author sets the year by saying the fifteenth year of Tiberius, then further clarifies by saying who was prefect of Palestine, king, high priest etc. For those who lived before the AD (Now called CE) era, it is as clear as saying 'year of our lord'.

Technical note, Finding evidence: Having your main character ask for the one thing that can prove his innocence makes no sense. The primary reason the scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home where Chekov is standing on a street corner asking about 'Nuclear Wessels' is so funny is that in a real life situation having someone with a foreign accent asking about what is primarily a government secret would have security agents all over them in minutes.

The problem I see is everything that points to Lung being the criminal is circumstantial. Only an idiot or a lunatic would be painting his name on the walls saying 'I did it', and unlike written European characters, written Chinese or Japanese is not conducive to handwriting analysis. By this definition, Kilroy was really there in all of those Japanese caves during WWII.


When I found the Rebirth of the Legion below, I went to the profile to copy the name rather than typing it. Then, like last week, I discovered there was a previous story I had not reviewed, therefore...

The True Exile
Tiberius Kane Moriarty

Rewrite of a previous story about Malachor V: It begins at Malachor...

Remember to sight edit. From the first the piece was a hard slog to read. Remember that every book you have ever enjoyed flowed, the author leading from place to place so you didn't have to stop, get out a map, and figure the way.

Technical note, assembly required?: You have half a dozen men landing and then assembling the MSG on the ground, inside an enemy fortress? While there is no mention of how big the device is, the odds that something so devastating would be man transportable is unlikely.

Remember the original MSG deployed in the game was a prototype. As Heinlein pointed out in one of his stories, technology goes through three stages; simple and inefficient, complex and inefficient, simple and efficient. The original A bomb weighed over five tons, the first H bomb tested weighed 82 tons. The reason I mentioned that is a modern tactical nuke (Half the yield of the original Hiroshima bomb can be less that 30 pounds, and a modern MIRV with a tenth of the yield of that H bomb weighs less than a hundred.

Technical note, Stealth: I ding constantly on stealth generators and personal shields because of one important fact; you don't see the technology in the original movies set 4,000 years later, except for the hand carried energy shields of the Gungans. Even more important, once you know such a device or ability exists, you can spot them. Look at the Predator Movies. The alien is using pretty much what a stealth generator would do. If you know it exists, you are going to be looking for the effects.

The basic idea is good, but a lot of it made no sense. As I was dinged once Revan is supposed to be a tactical and strategic genius. A simple scouting party of ships would not slow her down unless the person in charge of that unit is A: also a genius, and B; survives to be the last ship destroyed.

Then you have her pretty much a dark side entity using her authority to get her way, even when her subordinate knows it is wrong. You have ignored the fact that a senior officer showing signs of stress or insanity can be relieved of command. It merely takes an officer willing to give that order. Remember in the first of the modern Star Trek movies they used that to remove Spock from command.

Rebirth of the Legion
Tiberius Kane Moriarty

Post TSL return to Malachor V: The Exile fights his final battle.

The same problems mentioned above with the writing itself.

Technical note, New Weapons: You have the Sith using almost half a dozen weapons never mentioned before, and while it sounds exciting, it runs right into the fact that something does not come from nothing. The Rift cannon makes sense as a version of the MSG that can be fired rather than physically deployed, but except for the EMP cannon, none of the others made sense from the tactical view. What I mean is, no matter how secret the testing and design phase, no weapon has ever been a complete secret. Also, there has never been any single ship ever designed that can take on a fleet of thousands by itself.

As an example, history shows that every one of the main combatants in WWII had people who were later instrumental in developing the first A bombs. Just look at the names of refugees from Germany, Russia and Italy on the Manhattan Project. It was the rumors that the US was developing some kind of weapon with a lot of physicists that caused the Germans to dust off their own A bomb project when they began full scale production of heavy water (Deuterium) in Norway in 1942.

Stop Camping You Noob!
Wakkomonkey9258

TSL aboard Ravager: Those video games can be addictive...

Remember conversation breaks.

That being said, I knew what was going to happen, but it was funny anyway. I liked the Idea that poor Visas has to play the significant other (which in this context includes anyone who is trying to get you off your butt and out of the game) until she gets hooked.

I just wish I owned that Pizza franchise. Think of the delivery charges!

Pick of the Week

When He Saw Her
Half-elf

KOTOR vignettes: How he felt a step at a time.

Remember to sight edit. For example you used how couldn't she have, when you meant how could she have not. Remember, part of our job as writers is to make the story flow for our readers, a problem you do not have except for some minor slips.

The scenes chosen were both logical and thought provoking. A person is, as Carth attempted, pigeonholed by most of us. They belong in this box, and every time they do something that doesn't match your preconceived notion, you merely move them to another.

Carth does what we all do, until the end. At that point, of course, Revan is firmly in the 'lover' box finally.

Pick of the Week

Happy Valentines Day
Wakkomonkey9258

TSL aboard Ravager: The title says it all.

The author has a take on Nihilus revealed through previous works that is unique. Here we have the Dark Lord as not only the lover, but as someone who cheers up his crew.

The only real negative is the violation of the 'a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away' canon rule.

Across the Stars
Misty 82

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: There has to be a rational explanation, right?

I tend to play both games as a female character, and with the mods so that you could have theoretically have had a distaff kiss. Though I also had my Revan consider Bastila a friend and only at the end a woman to become married to. Maybe I should try it again and see what happens...

Star Wars Darkness
Hawki

TFU Aboard the Death Star: His last word were anticipated...

I was reminded of the intro to Terry Pratchett's Guards, Guards! Where he comments that it was dedicated to the guards in the town where a Sword and Sorcery character is attacked and slaughters them.

Basically a retelling of the original trailer for TFU II, the primary difference with the piece is that the Stormtrooper is not the stereotypical Myrmidon. He's considering that someone else is supposed to carry out this execution, and the fact that it appeared to be arranging his escape instead.

A Kinection to the Force
Hawki

A year after General Order 66: It's not me, it's the game system!

The piece was fun because you have the hero pretty much ho-humming himself through the game until the end. I felt the same way (PC not Kinect) during KOTOR because unless you run away, all you really do is stand there and trade blows without moving much at all, a phenomenon I have noticed in a lot of other games as well, whether it's people or ships.

Princess
LadyArin

TSL: He always calls her princess

An interesting way to look at the pet name some give you. Originally as a joke, then as time goes on, as something that means as much to the one saying it as it does to the one addressed.

Eliatra Sabre: A Jedi's Journey
Eliatra Sabre

Approximately ten years pre KOTOR:

Question, what kind of scanner? In the future, Palpatine had a mechanical system created to detect possible force sensitives, but there was only one brief mention.

The piece is a nice slice of life for a group of children. My main curiosity is how these three fit into the coming problems.

Nicely done, and well worth the read with 26 more chapters to go.

Downtime
BlackBeret

KOTOR crew vignettes: How the crew deals with the problems they do have

Like usual, a story literally wants me to read further, and this is one of them. Thanks to the game mechanics you don't have a lot of time spent in situations where the characters are sleeping or otherwise occupied. So on the ship drawings you don't have bathrooms, showers, kitchens, etc, because people don't think of them unless they are logical,or as your critic is, sarcastic. I created a dungeon long ago, back when D&D was THE role playing game where I put a series of toilets scattered through it that led to a room you could fall into just to be a bit disgusting.

The author decided in this chapter to lean heavily of Carth's trust issues, Carth going to bed in armor, and in the bed that would assure she can't leave without his noticing, making their first night a serious pain in whatever part their armor will pinch.

Let's face it, if Carth had been this paranoid in real life, I would have fragged him after about a week.

Nineteen chapters, I might have to come back to this one...

Best of the Week

My Love Story
Rikulvr117

During the Clone Wars: A girl finds the man for her...

An interesting take, especially in the subject matter. As Yoda said in one of the Clone Wars first season episodes, you all look alike, but you are different people.

Most of the clone stories I have read here so far either concentrate on a specific unit, or throw us into a situation where we're dealing with a new group and everyone is still interchangeable. It's nice to see one where one of the men is suddenly more attractive for something beyond his looks.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:25 AM   #1408
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Lung Chang III - The Four Devils of Shandong (Wuxia)
Christos200

Continuation of Lung Chang II: Just an average day, but the secret is slowly revealed

You're starting to use incorrect words and not finishing sentences. Avoid redundancy. If you have peach blossoms, it's a peach tree, so calling them peach blossom trees is redundant.

Question; why do you have the main character be almost over polite with the men he has faced, yet the first time we see him fighting a woman, he insults her?

You had two fights that really were unnecessary. The Mongol in the bar, and the Four Devils. A battle is supposed to advance the story, and the only way the second battle did was by having him face Wu Lan again.

Also, remember that life is not an RPG. You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.

At last we find out some of the plot behind the story.

Lung Chang IV - Meeting of the Orthodox Sects on Mt. Kunlun
Christos200

Continuation of Lung Chang III: The meeting takes place, with daggers in the dark

You're interchanging actions again, having some one stab 20 time the stomach for example.

The piece is actually intriguing, though having someone assassinate another inside the compound completely unnoticed doesn't make a lot of sense. The plan is going a little too well.

AU: KOTOR III: THE PULSE: Pain in my Brain
MsFicWriter

Beginning of KOTOR III: The main character seems to be having problems...

Very well done. The things I liked were first the over the top quarters, so even if you are a drone, you don't feel like one when you get home. Second was their corporate 'mandatory meeting', because having worked in corporate America, you find that a lot of what they do is determined not by facts, but what you boss thinks.

The last section, dreaming about an evil pulsating planet... to quote from Howard the Duck, 'This does not bode well'.

Best of the Week

Adonia vs The Ebon Hawk
emmy20211

KOTOR on Korriban: Boys and their toys

I can understand the take because every woman is like this at one time or another, cut out of their man's life by a machine of some kind. As an ex-sailor, I understand Carth's attitude though; a ship is alive, just in a way most people don't understand.

HK69
flooj9235

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Sometimes, there is just no explanation

The piece is funny because, as I did in my I Know What Love Is...Sorta, we have two droids trying to understand sexuality, and failing miserably.

Cast the Right Light
Shadow Of One

TFU II teaser: To gain what he wants in life, he has got to face the challenges as well

As I have said before, since I can't play TFU on my computer, a lot of the basic story line doesn't gel for me. The teaser portrayed here is the one I know best, and the difference in his attitude between the warring voices he remembers and the woman he loves is well portrayed.

Dealing With the Devil Within
Metropolis Kid

KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: Making a deal with your other self

The piece is nicely done. Using a reflection as in most such stereotypical scenes, with the 'good' Revan finally getting rid of a Red Crystal starting it.

The discussion went as I had anticipated, but if the 'Evil' Revan is a typical Sith, is this more like a deal with the Devil?

Knights of the Old Republic: the Prodigal Knight
Gipper 40

Sequel to KOTOR with Sarge 42's assist: The story continues

Remember to sight edit. Toward the end of the prologue, you began using the wrong words (and instead of an, that kind of thing) and during the actual fight itself it needed serious polishing. Nothing actually bad, just that you should never use extra words when you don't have to.

Technical note, lightsaber styles: The problem with naming styles of fighting is that they are something only those who know actual that form of fighting would know. The different lightsaber stances and styles have never actually been used where we can see them, or at least never identified as such. If you remember the Princess Bride scene, Inigo Montoya and the masked man are constantly trading actual sword fighting style names during their bout. But unless you know the difference in those styles, it's just name dropping.

The first chapter covers what we all know, but there are 43 more chapters to read.

Reaction
flooj9235

Pre KOTOR: Bastila says goodbye to Revan, she thinks...

The piece was well done, despite no proofreading. The characterization of Vrook's comment suggests to me that either he was always whining about the masters when he was still a Knight, and now he's going to set it all straight; or he was always so sure of his own views that no one junior has a right to complain.

We don't know for sure if Bastila knew Revan previously, but the idea that she had fallen in love with the woman when she did makes the scene more poignant.

Pick of the Week

I Think I Love You, or Maybe It's Plyridian Fever
JediTears09

TSL On Dxun: Does she love me? Or is it the sickness?

I usually don't read more than the first chapter, but this on intrigued me because the first chapter was pretty much 'let's find out if we like each other' and had no mention of the illness of the title. What the hell, just over 2,000 words, so I did.

And I was glad I did. The scene where Atton catches her kissing Mical was fun enough, but having Hanharr trying to defend himself from her was a riot. The end was pure Atton.

Best of the Week

Tale of Two Sabers: Kade Bard and Samantha Tristar
Jaicer

Technical note. Uniform dress: Unless you are actually deploying or returning from a deployment, you wouldn't be walking around in full armor. That includes helmets. When you are aboard ship, you would be in undress uniform.

The piece had a unique flavor to it, having there be two Revans has been done, but rarely so well.

Watcher
A Pleasant Reader

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Someone was watching out for her

The only negative I have is the original characterization of your Exile. She was a general for the better part of four years during the wars, and no officer survives that much time in command by being totally clueless.

The Attempted Taming of the Jedi
Marianne Bennet

KOTOR on Taris: He knows she wants him

Technical note, military courtesy: The one scene that didn't play well for me in KOTOR is when Carth comes down on Bastila for her attitude. It isn't that she didn't deserve to be told off, it's merely that when a junior officer does so, they would preface the comment with the phrase, 'with all due respect', and since Carth did not ask permission to speak freely, he would get reamed in real life.

The piece is a lot of fun when you remember the play the scenes are based on. Petruccio had it easier, though.

Pick of the Week

Revanchist Journey
RevancheDarth

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins with a dream

The piece needs sight editing and polishing. It comes across as disjointed, especially the fight scenes.

The intro was interesting because since we know nothing about the character before Trask arrives, you carried that blankness into the story itself.

Star Wars The Grunts
Darthritter86

Clone Wars era: A new trooper joins an outfit right before the hammer falls

The piece needs sight editing, because you not only use the wrong words (shinned instead of shined) but forget to finish sentences. Don't feel too bad about it, when I get into the flow, I forget it too. Just remember to edit, and no one will know...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:37 AM   #1409
christos200
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Quote:
You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.
I think you misunderstood. It is "seal" Vital Points, not steal. According to traditional Chinese medical science, a body has several Vital Points, and if you hit them in a certain way, it can paralyze you, cause you death or make you stronger or stop the flaw of (poisonous) blood. It is a genre convention for Wuxia, like the force is for Star Wars. That was my mistake. Because I also post the story at a Wuxia site, I had forgot to give explanation. I should had a * and explained it below the story.
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Old 06-09-2014, 10:46 AM   #1410
machievelli
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Battle of Two Giants (Historical Fiction)
Christos200

Watch for redundancy. Saying a man is able and then capable is redundant. It is also redundant to say what the honor guard at the tent are armed with; a soldier walking a perimeter is armed as he would be in the field, so saying he's carrying this and that is not necessary.

Unlike the modern day, soldiers did not wear their helmets every minute on a deployment. A general or King standing in his own tent before a battle would have set it aside.

Lightning lights an area. Thunder is the noise. 'So, it is mine, not yours, the fault' should be 'The fault is mine, not yours'.

You are adding elements of Wuxia to the work, and not in a good way. Sure Alexander is young and fit, but killing tens of men in a single engagement is not realistic. The scene where he killed the elephant by stabbing it in the head is even less realistic. A modern steel sword would have trouble penetrating an elephant's skull, and just a common steel sword won't exist for almost a millennia. If you have seen Return of the King Legolas does not aim at the head of the Oliphant he kills with an arrow, he instead aims at the spine behind the head, severing it. You also have General Yadu using what are obviously Wuxia moves.

This wasn't too bad really.

Prompt 87: Food
For Love of Sunflowers

Clone Wars Era: The way to a man's heart...

The piece was tightly written, much better than the last one of yours I reviewed. The characterization of the girl is almost non-existent, but having her be half Mando'a and speaking the language made her different.

I liked how, like most of the women who meet them, she chose one specific one she liked best.

KOTOR2 The Journey Continues
Da bad Guy

Post TSL: The Exile has to follow alone. Of course people had other ideas...

The piece was short enough for me to read it all. Remember to site edit, checking especially for cumbersome sentence structure and grammar. People are in their positions, not there for example.

When she told them before leaving, I knew someone would stowaway. One I anticipated, the other not. The one person I did expect, but who did not, was Mira...

Star Wars Republic Commando 2: Rebellion
The Typer

Starting 2 years into the Clone wars:

Remember to sight edit. In your case, in the intro you had written you pretty much repeated yourself four time about the brotherhood bond. Once was quite sufficient. You also mentioned that Sev was who they had lost several times.

Also remember conversation breaks. You only missed one in the first chapter, but it was in a noticeable location.

Also two things; first, As much as you have an 'eye in the sky' adviser in the game, in real life it doesn't work that way. When you go into combat, you have the information on hand, and a lot of times, it is scanty. As an example, WEB Griffin in one of his Corps books has the briefing officer saying 'and the enemy is known to be here', then waving vaguely at the rest of the Islands West of Guadalcanal. Second it would be more logical to have a translator built in with the local language installed rather than having to contact your adviser.

The piece is a very dry rendition of the situation. Boss comes across with a 'been there, done that, didn't bother to buy a shirt' you'd expect from someone who has been in and out of combat for two years. Very well done beyond the comments above.

22 Chapters more.

Crushed and Pained
Wakkomonkey9258

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Saved, and he doesn't even know who she is

Remember to check your grammar, and remember to sight edit, you left out the word die when the other Jedi was healing him.

Wakkomonkey does what most of us never did; making Nihilus a personable human being before he became the Lord of Hunger.

Pick of the Week

Revan's Shadow
Knightfall1138

Beginning Pre Mandalorian Wars: The beginning of Revan's Saga as a Jedi

Rescue fleet? From what I have seen of the Republic in the SW universe, they couldn't, as the old saying goes, organize a bottle party in a brewery. S&R (Search and Rescue)is usually a locally organized and operated function and pretty much one that crosses international borders, so say if a Korean ship in the ocean near China sends a distress signal, every ship whatever nationality that hears that signal will immediately head toward her.

Also, with something falling from orbit, the rescue ships would more likely destroy it rather than let it crash. The only reason we just let satellites fall back into the atmosphere is because we have no such organization policing it. So allowing it to crash would cause unnecessary casualties. As much as some might say there are no warships with the fleet in question, note that the implications made in the story suggest it was an attack, meaning they would send warships as surely as the police would be sent in if it were a typical terrorist attack.

Technical note, 'He's too old': I am constantly wondering if this is a hard and fast rule, or only a guideline? The primary reason I think age would be used in selecting who would be trained is more to remove countervailing interests. A child taken from a family at say age three to seven would remember their family only as hazy memories, so anything they did, either good or bad would be just memories of the past, and would not have the full force of someone you can still interact with today.

Note the meeting between Helena Shan and Bastila; someone she had not seen in over a decade. The recrimination and acrimony is there, but it has softened with the passage of time. Of course in that case, not softened too much.

My favorite scene was Kreia merely saying 'steal a speeder' as if it's an everyday occurrence between her and Vrook.

I had to read into the first actual chapter because the prologue was so short. But with 33 chapters total, and this is only Revan as a child, it looks good.

the finding of waysThe Old Republic
Sonicspeedx13

Set in TOR:

Remember a name is always capitalized. So Nick spade should be Spade.

Remember also to read and sight edit. You start off almost immediately with cumbersome sentences, some of which don't even make sense. You also use the wrong words several times. Fallow means land that has been plowed and harrowed but left uncultivated, when you meant follow, herd is a grouping of animals, not something you heard there (Place) instead of their (personal).

Frankly a reader would have problems following what is going on. I use a river as an analogy for how a story should progress. The idea is to take the reader from the starting point to the end. There can be rapids, action in other words, snags which are emotional problems or difficulty (Think of Han Solo having to slam his fist into a panel in TESB), even blockages that impede them. But using incorrect wording or cumbersome sentences are all unnecessary stoppages. They slow the reader down, and if left uncorrected cause them to stop reading at all.

Technical note, maneuvering: When an aircraft chops power and sometimes pops their speed brakes, they will rapidly decelerate as you have described. However, in microgravity such as you have in space, the object will merely continue on it's original course at it's last speed. You would need a powerful engine to dump speed rapidly, and since most spacecraft do not have the space for an engine that is almost as powerful as it's main engine, this would not happen.

Technical note, smuggling into a war zone: If bullets are flying where you intend to deliver your cargo, there is a simple method to deal with it; don't land. It is one thing to arrive at your destination low on fuel and have to land, but no smuggler in his right mind will make the delivery when it's this hot, and would make sure he has more than enough fuel to escape. Sure it happens, but how much is this guy getting paid? It would be easier to return to the Hutts that hired him and tell them that he arrived in the middle of an invasion.

As an example, when the B17s being sent to Hawaii ran into the Japanese attack on Pearl harbor, they landed, but only because they were low on fuel. And even then several were shot at by the Americans on the ground because they were so alarmed by the attack, even though the Japanese never fielded a bomber as large as the 17.

Plus security is heightened during an attack. Traffic control would have warned him off rather than allow him to land, and if he had attempted it, they would have assumed he was a hostile and shot him down themselves.

Technical note, Notoriety: Even if Spade had smuggled into the Sith Empire, it is not likely he would be well known enough to be recognized without a data base. As an example, in the movie SWAT, you have a Colombian Drug lord enter the country, and it isn't until they run his ID through LEANET (Law Enforcement Agency Network; where records of all American Police agencies is stored) that they identify him.

Technical note, Losing the capital: Losing your capital whether it is a city or a planet is not going to have the war just end. The United States fought on after Washington was sacked, the Chinese fought on even with Peking (Now Beijing) under occupation, and the list goes on. Wars are won by breaking the enemy's will to fight

Technical note, Time measurements: 24/7 fits the planet we're on, because thanks to the Europeans, we have a seven day week, and a full day from dawn to dawn is a bit over 24 hours. But there is no way to guarantee a time measurement on a galactic scale is going to use the same measurement. In David Weber's Honor Harrington universe for example, the Manticore system has three planets, and their 'year' is set by the capital planet which has a year equal to 1.67 of our own. But each planet has it's own year period and day period. Think of the fact that the Arabs, Jews, and most of the Asian nations of our own planet have years set by something other than the death of one man.

The basic story is all right, but you have the main character acting in a manner that is not consistent with the characterization. Han Solo for example was well portrayed in the original movie and only got into the adventure itself at first because of the idea that he would get a monetary reward by rescuing the Princess.

Just One of Those Days
Untitledmind

9 years Post KOTOR: The title says it all

You tend to occasionally run words together. That is no big problem, since it's easily corrected with either a spell check or sight edit. I do it myself occasionally.

As someone reviewing works, the length was daunting. But it was enjoyable. My primary question is what was with the feeling in the stomach? I had thought it might be something else...

Pick of the Week

KOTOR, The Epic Journey: Waking Up
LikeCrimsonBloodshed

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins

The scenes are well written, and the description of the attack well thought out.

I honestly wish you had continued.

Kotor: A Sith Story
JoFuRedjetta

KOTOR on Korriban: A Sith student has his own way to earn prestige

Remember to sight edit. There were a few sentences in the first chapter where you left out words, which made it a confusing read.

When I saw the length, I was daunted. Over 43,000 words in one massive block. That is almost novel length! I did read as far as the end of the first chapter though, and I am glad I did. The author has some unique perspectives on not only the Sith, but on the lifestyles of the average citizen of the planet.

I had always been bothered that Korriban is merely the nearby town the Academy, and the Valley. It's like thinking that California is only the City of Los Angeles. The author instead created the idea that Dreshdae is merely one of many enclosed towns on the planet, which makes sense.

The discussion group could be in the Jedi Academy, with a teacher enumerating the different species that are harder to deal with due to their own physiology or mental make up. I could see Vandar or Yoda giving the same lecture for pretty much the same purpose. The one thing I thought was really funny was the playful 'I'm going to kill you now' scenes with the main character, and the girl he's sleeping with. It reminded me of the scenes in the old Pink Panther Movies where Kato is constantly trying to attack his boss, without the cheating Clouseau always used to keep himself from being beaten.

The Enemy's Hand
Rogermein

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A research station comes under attack

The piece has the feel of an old Frankenstein movie with the villagers attacking at the start. The professor inside is so focused on his genetics experiments that he created a layer of interference that stopped him from being notified of the attack until it was too late.

The soldiers came across as just a group in a hopeless situation expecting to sell their lives dearly. The only negative I had with the piece is the attacking formation comes across as something out of the Clone Wars with their rigid formations. In real life you would not march into battle in neat rank and file, you would deploy into lines and be seeking cover instead.

The Sith Stalker Chronicles
SithStalker066

TFUUS: After killing Vader, Galen fails against Palpatine

I have never played TFU in any form; not enough memory or graphics on my system. So I don't know how close the stor is to the game itself. The piece is well written, with only one negative I can see, and that could merely be a condemnation of the game concept. That is the 'ultimate loyalty' drug Palpatine uses.

First, it is a known fact that chemical brainwashing limits the abilities of anyone treated by it. If you are unclear on what I mean, read my own Family of Choice. That is why psychological methods are used today, because there is no drug that inhibits the person's mind. Plus, since they have to deal with people who would try to drug or poison them, it would be difficult to create such a drug without people who are Force capable to test it on.

Second, and more important, there are too many dictators and do gooders on this planet right now for me to be comfortable with such a chemical. As an example of what I mean for the do gooders, watch the scenes set on Miranda in the movie Serenity. A government trying to, as Malcolm says, 'make people better' that instead causes the deaths of thirty million. It wasn't the fact that they died that they were concealing; it was that they had tried at all.

Call Me a Sinner, Call Me a Saint Book: 1
JediZero

Pre Mandalorian wars: The first strike into the Republic

The piece is short, and all of the problems I saw were technical.

Technical note, Enemy Identification: It is unlikely that the ships would not be identified by the observers. The Mandalorians are known, and should have commerce with their neighbors, and any intelligence network worthy of the name would have seen and recorded warships they had passed. As an example, the British knew the Germans were building the Bismarck thought they did not know her exact specifics, as the US knew the Japanese were building the Yamato Class battleships.

Fighters, yes, they could still be a secret. The A6M Zero had been seen, but there was not a lot known about it's flight characteristics.

Technical note, communications: The idea that you would get an enemy signal suggests that they are transmitting in clear, with no encryption at all. A modern fighter or warship of our own era uses what is called frequency agile technology, jumping in a preset frequency pattern so that all you will get as an enemy is an occasional word.

Technical note, blocking their escape: Unlike the Star Trek Universe, the Star Wars Universe does not use hyper drive in a system, and it would be unlikely that a unit would come in behind them, though possible

The author made an assumption that might sound wrong, but did intrigue me. The idea that thanks to the war of Exar Kun, the Republic no longer fully trusted the Jedi.

I just wish you had carried it on. It sounds good so far.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-16-2014, 09:45 AM   #1411
machievelli
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The Target
Metropolis Kid

Pre KOTOR: HK47 carries out an assignment

Remember to sight edit. You had some grammar mistakes, two instead of too, that kind of thing.

As for the robot's attitude about human existence, it mirrors the sociopath's. Things are in his mind what he wishes it to be, not reality. Every comment from 'good and bad' to sex is mirrored there.

Of course, I always wondered about his programmer. Was it Revan who created him and his personality? Of is he like C3P0 and R2D2 just left without a memory wipe for too long?

Maulkiller: A Prequel to The Force Unleashed II
Feral Mutant Creed

Between TFU parts: Vader tries to mix Maul and Starkiller

Remember to sight edit, and especially watch for redundancies. 'But however' is such a case. One or the other, not both. Also remember conversation breaks. When a reader runs into conversations run together, they sometimes lose track of who is speaking, and this causes frustration.

Technical note, Other cloning methods and facilities: By reading the Wookiepedia articles on both Kamino and cloning itself, I noticed that Kamino was fully under Imperial control, meaning it is unlikely that Vader could have commissioned the clone you describe without the fact being known to the Emperor. He would more likely have gotten one of the SPAARTI cylinders, and located it somewhere else. He might have also considered creating a clone of his own at that time.

The SPAARTI process is also faster, from a year to only a few weeks instead of ten years for a fully adult clone.

Technical note, Clone 'programming': The original clones were made as more docile and obedient copies of Jango Fett. The article on cloning speaks of not only this, but also 'inhibitor' chips to assure loyalty. Whatever procedure was used by his creator, your Maulkiller would have had one installed because Vader would not wish that it would go the same way as Starkiller had.

The last dig by Maulkiller was the best.

Revan
Kyria Nyriese

Post KOTOR: Revan's journey to the Unknown Regions starts where her fall began

The author is older than most I have read here, and the style shows it. There are minor problems a sight edit would cure, but the piece has a crisp neat style

When I wrote my own version of TSL, Return From Exile, I also had Revan stop at the Trayus Academy. However she switched out ships there, which is how I explained Kreia having the Ebon Hawk at the start of TSL. I also had her bring Canderous with her, until she abandons him with the helmet of Mand'alor. Her discussion here with him should have happened a lot earlier in my mind. But that is just one writer saying it's in the wrong place, not an actual dig.

Pick of the Week

For The Right Reason
Alpha Vegetable

KOTOR AU on Taris: The survivors of the Endar Spire plan their search

The piece has an interesting twist. Revan never went to war, but knows Malak best, explaining her assignment as master. Having them trade places, Revan having been captured with Bastila looking for her instead makes Bastila less abrasive.

The primary negative I have is that as her apprentice, Bastila should have a Force link to her. Perhaps the collar is interfering with it, but if so, why not mention it?

Thirty chapters long, just the first one was interesting.

Not That Different
Stephensmat

TSL before their meeting: Visas seeks her death at the hands of what she calls the Echo.

I was a bit confused about her life before and directly after her capture by Nihilus. The scenes you describe don't make a lot of sense in a natural environment, because you have her (and I assume everyone else) running around nude pretty much all the time until the death of her world. You have her ignoring every other sense to concentrate only on the Force, which is not really a survival trait, even going as far as having her ignore taste, which is what makes us have favorite foods.

I'm not saying such a society cannot exist, merely that it is unlikely.

The style is well executed, and holding the one secret she has not told her master about is a warm touch.

The Queen's Advisor
CalliopeCalling

Pre TSL on Onderon: Kavar is met by the Queen

While Talia comes across as a young girl hoping for her romantic visions to come true, the piece went very well. As the author mentioned, there are a lot of clues that suggest that the pair had a relationship beyond the professional, and the author brings it out even here at the start.

Fifteen chapters long, and I wish I could keep reading.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Tales of the Vigilant
FireflyEmbers

Five years pre TOR: A prison break, and a search for revenge

The piece is very nicely done, the two main characters well wrought. Mercy reminds me of a mixture of River Tam from the Firefly televison show and DeeDee from Dexter's Lab(OOH, what does this do?). The Captain of every professional unjustly imprisoned hungering for her revenge.

I wish it had been longer. Say a dozen chapters longer. In fact it gave me the characterization for a character I need to build a story for.

Best of the Week

Force Unleashed: Trial Of Self
Cindrollic

Set in TFU: Starkiller goes to the Temple of the Jedi, in search of the truth about his father

The same sight editing problems mentioned previously. Hallow (Bless) instead of hollow (Empty), and not finishing sentences.

The fight scene was very well portrayed. The only negative I had was that a place like the Jedi temple would have guards who should report immediately, rather than when they had been close to being annihilated. Picture this:

The US government has a lab where they had until recently concealed a crashed UFO. While the ship itself is no longer there, some of the data still is. A team of people trying to find out the truth invade it. The invasion would be reported immediately, even as the defenders are preparing to fight back.

Endings
LionofPerth

KOTOE on Star Forge: The climactic battle

Remember to sight edit. You have confusing sentences that cause a reader to go back and reread them to make sure.

One interesting twist was making it the attack a larger evolution; scores of Troops, and dozens of Jedi. The only negative I had was having Malak die pretty much the way Dooku did in ROTS.

Oops
flooj9235

KOTOR on Ebon Hawk: You screamed what name?

I cracked up at the start of it. We all know Revan would have to eventually know, and having her and Bastila as lovers when it is revealed was a fun touch. I especially liked the author's quick save when Kiera said she knew lovers sometimes did that, then backpedaled to say she had heard that they did instead.

The rest was pretty much what you would anticipate; the hurt partner stay away, the other wishing she could fix it somehow until they are finally reunited. The end was funny with Bastlia replying ingenuously that maybe next time she'll scream Vandar's name...

Pick of the Week

The Failure of a Jedi
Huoriel

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi must learn, or the Council will take steps.

The piece has an interesting feel to it. We have the girl who will become the Exile still an apprentice at age 19. The one thing it reminds me of is a class I took in the Guilds and Trades of England under Queen Elizabeth, because of the Masters deciding that Kavar is not doing his job. And like those ancient guilds, if he will not do it, they will.

It's rare that I address the author directly, but after reading this, I read the profile. This person decided to post this with some misgivings because they are worried about the idea that people might not like it. First, remember, that as Ted White told Robert Heinlein when he decided to stop writing, 'a writer writes. He might not be selling, he might be spinning his wheels, but he never stops.”

Don't worry overmuch about how your audience perceives your work. I have been posting on Lucasforums since mid 2004 and been their critic since October of 2005 If I merely stopped posting when people stopped commenting I would have stopped back before this story of yours was first published here. You can never please everyone, so don't try. Set your course, lay out your story, publish it and dare them to say you're wrong. But if they do, demand that they say publicly why!

One of my own; Dxun Memories, was lambasted by exactly one reader who defined it as a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is when you put in a character who is so much more knowledgeable than the regular characters. My reply was simple. Ground combat, and the resultant landings are a different skill set than naval command. Revan in my stories was an Admiral; Marai, my Exile was a hands on soldier. Before World War Two, and during the first year of that war, an amphibious landing was done with standard solid prowed boats, and everything was unloaded by hand.

While the Marines are 'naval' troops, with an Admiral in charge, it was no longer merely a landing ala Horatio Hornblower. Read my Genesis of a Jedi, especially the last chapter, which I warn is actual history, and shows the difference between an Admiral and the ground pounders who land and wrest the land from the enemy.

So write the rest of this story. I for one want to see it.

Pick of the Week

It's a Terrible Thing To Fall
Replica Velocity a.k.a. X5 714

KOTOR AU: Revan faces an enemy she will not even fight, her true love

The piece is an interesting one. The idea of having Carth be the one who was captured and falls. But, as the author points out, The idea is possible, and only his not being a Force user would have stopped it.

It is a nicely done dark piece, Carth is someone she would not want to kill, even if he had fallen, and without Bastila's battle mediation, the enemy still has overwhelming firepower as long as the ships built by the Star Forge last.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-23-2014, 11:45 PM   #1412
machievelli
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Another time, Another place, Another life
Chevron 7 Locke

No specific era given: One shots about alternate possibilities

Chev always delivers, and this was no exception. It's a pity I am running too late, I would have liked to read the second one too.

Good Enough
Kila Brija

Post KOTOR: It isn't if he feels she's good enough, it is does she fell she is.

The piece is a nice bit of fluff. Him complaining about her flinching when she remembers who she had been, and her using it just to tease him. But the meat of it is when she's in the fresher, and decides, she will go in with life anyway, and he will be in her life...

Why the Mandalorians lost the Wars
SmileMandalore

Post Mandalorian Wars: The real reason they lost the war

The piece surprised me, especially the comment that 'oh they'll never know if you don't tell them' followed by angry copy-write owners mobbing her.

The first vignette was funny and outrageous, 'take the red one, it tastes like Strawberries!' but Manda'lor takes the blue one instead, claiming she's trying to trick him and Mandalorians don't like strawberries anyway, meanwhile ignoring her monologuing like a villain from the Incredibles.

Then a man desperate to pee using a barrel full of whiskey for the deed, which ruins the last toast for Manda'lor, and gets him killed. With Vrook in one scene wafting through the commander's quarters looking for strawberries...

Knights of the Old Republic: The Jedi Civil War
Skysong2

Pre KOTOR: Bastila begins the process of finding Revan's immediate past

I did not have time to read beyond the first chapter, and the only negative I had in it was her injuries. A leg almost severed at the knee is not going to be fixed with a quick swim in a kolto tank, after all.

But from what I did read, I wonder what happens in the next 19 chapters, since the Jedi Civil War itself is only skimmed over.

KOTOR: Return From Darkness
Candle in the Night

KOTOR AU: Revan returns home from the wars, not sure what he will face.

The piece is nicely written in this first chapter, well done for a first fan fic. My only negative is that the Ebon Hawk would still have been in the hands of the smuggler that had owned it before Davik Kang stole it.

Pick of the Week

When You're Stupid
WolverinesDarlin

TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, leaving his love alone

The piece needs sight editing, as you used incorrect words on occasion, no big problem, I do it myself on occasion.

I agree with the author that the game was poorly written and rushed. There are scenes that drag on to no purpose (The confrontation with the Masters pretty much boiled down to, 'we were wrong, but we were still right to exile you', so there for example) and while I have always run the game as a female character, I have never deepened the relationship with Atton beyond having him as a member of the crew, so this is one cut scene I have never seen.

In fact it was my reaction to what I perceived as being wrong that caused me to write my own novelization back in 2006.

Revan and Carth Star Forge
Gin333ookami

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Amidst death and destruction, love will still find a way

The piece is short, and the internal monologues segue very well. Not my cup of tea exactly, but a nice pit of fluff.

Endgame
The Intensity

TSL after Kreia's death: Some choices are no choice at all

Remember conversation breaks. The piece was short, but when you forget them, you break the reader's train of thought, and sometime, if it is done too often (I reviewed one person a few years ago who had three different people talking in the exact same paragraph) they become frustrated.

I liked the option of taking Kreia's body along, which is not offered in the game.

Knight
Matthew Summers

Pre KOTOR, attack on Telos: Revan must learn to accept what she is causing

A very dark study, with little light to it. The idea that the Sith actually teach a way to divorce yourself from the Force so you do not feel the anguish you cause was a surprise to me. I would think the average Sith would revel in the pain of others that they caused. I picture Shaardan at Korriban with his test no one can pass until Revan strolls by and stops him, or Lashowe expecting to be entertained with an 'or else' unsaid.

But she finally accepts what she is causing, and Telos burns...

Best of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: Return of Revan
Neroarm

Post TSL: With the Sith Fleet no longer attacking, the Republic licks it's wounds, and wonders why.

The piece has it's odd moments, having the relationship between Revan and Bastila more like lovers rather than master-apprentice for one. The idea that they had not murdered the Jedi makes me wonder about Mission, since Zaalbar is still with them, and I would hope that in one of the subsequent unread chapters, there is an answer to that question.

But we have a purpose to Revan's search now. Not a group, but a single man...

Pick of the Week

To Atone
Ashehole

Post Mandalorian Wars: The exile returns to accept her responsibilty for what has occurred

The piece is an interesting study of why the woman who would later be Exiled returns. As I mentioned in my own Return From Exile, she feels she has wronged the Jedi order, and must allow herself to be punished. But as she is willing to return, she still hope Revan will go with her.

The Demon Moon
Wyl

TSL on Dxun: The Handmaiden watches her new master with wonder

The author took the section on Dxun and converted it to ten chapters; about as long as my own version, Return from Exile.

I like the dialogue between her and Mira, though I took care of the 'listening' before they left Nar Shaddaa, and the offhand comment about how to get a man I not only used, I incorporated in my own work.

I like the author's take on how he has kept up his training without the force, and his stubborn refusal to accept the title of Jedi, even when he, like my own, embodies their teachings.

Ten chapters, definitely worth reading.

Pick of the Week

Revan: Departure
Chapellefan

Post KOTOR: There is no rest for our hero

The first chapter is merely their return to Coruscant, but even that was interesting. Told in present interspersed with flashbacks, start when he and Malak were young students, ending with the death of his friend on the Star Forge.

I especially liked the idea that he shared that last drink at the end of chapter 1 with his old friend's spirit.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-27-2014, 09:49 AM   #1413
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Have just replaced my computer. Used Window 'Easy transfer', but found out it doesn't move programs, so I have to go in, redownload my programs (Starting with Open Office since I refuse to pay for Word even if it's on the damn machine) so I'm letting you know I may be running late enough that I will not complete my reviews for this week on time. Will start early next week, and put out a double instead.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-07-2014, 10:23 PM   #1414
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Atton's night out
Uilleand

Post TSL: Sometimes, you just want to get back to what it was like before

The piece was an interesting look at what an ex- or maybe not too ex- scoundrel might get up to. The only real negative I had with it was the rancor, since anything that big isn't going to even notice most weapons a human being can carry. Wish it had been continued, because now suddenly he has to go back into that hell hole to get out the family of the kid he rescued.

Meet the Parent
TheJediSentinel

Post KOTOR: Like a lion in her den...

The piece started off with an oddity. You remove the memories from the main character, send him off on what is to all intents and purposes a forlorn hope, and when he gets back alive, you're upset that he doesn't remember things his previous persona would have known! I would have been even more upset if I didn't know some of the really stupid crap the US government has done... Think of a UN Ambassador calling on the Jews and Arabs to stop fighting 'like good Christians'.

Then the scene that really got me giggling. Helena literally playing emotional crack the whip both her daughter and her beau.

And the Bet was cute too!

Pick of the Week

Living the Code
TheJediSentinel

No specific era given: How a Jedi woman controls her man

The piece was fun because like any man who has had a relationship, the first thing you notice is the things they try to change in you. I was reminded after the great diet change it starts with that your most likely to be murdered by your nearest and dearest. Maybe even over your favorite cereal.

After a while, it became easier, even as the relationships do. By the end, you knew how it would turn out, but you will probably like the ending.

Pick of the Week

From-Rags-To-Reformation
Ordinededracul

TSL On Nar Shaddaa: What if someone else wanted the kidnapped girl Adana?

Remember to sight edit and always remember conversation breaks. That ensures a smooth flow to the work.

The piece reads more like a police procedural. Not a real ding; Ed McBain's 87th Precinct books made the term well know. What you did was what I had done in my own Genesis, though I used Sasha from Dantooine.

Here I am
Revan Nonaka

Post KOTOR: One thing left undone

The author is Norwegian, and since I have to use a translator program to even try to write in that language, I cannot ding them on spelling, grammar etc.

The basic premise is interesting; After the Star Forge, he finally completes the quest to retrieve the holocron of Bastila's father.

KOTOR: Echoes of the Force
Jedidingo

Sequel to Whispers of the Force: Things are not going well

Two things, both technical:

First, a blind jump means you don't know where you're going, so how did the enemy find them?

Second, remember that internal hyperdrives for fighters won't exist for almost 4,000 years.

The action is hot an heavy, and the prologue ends with a cliffhanger. The most interesting thought is that with this character, the force seems to actually speak to him.

Start of an Exile
Shadows Of The Storm

Technical note, Armor: As much as people like to think of it as possible, armor of any kind is more bulky that normal clothes. Including the Second Chance Kevlar T shirt. So anyone who knows that would automatically notice it even if it 'appears' to be a frock.

Technical note, Embassies: It doesn't make sense to have an embassy for the government in their own capitol. The State Department by whatever name would handle all such contacts.

The idea that the Exile is hired by the Republic not long after is new to me. Having read some of what has gone before, it's nice to know which of the three girls from the previous stores is the actual Exile.


Wrong Door
Flooj9235

KOTOR on Taris: Running through the base

The one way to get through the base, sneaking only one person in, never really comes up in the game. It was a fun look. The author remarked on the one thing I used when I wrote my own KOTOR novel, the way to deal with muscle memory.

Unless a person has complete catastrophic brain injuries, any talent they had is still there, and be accessed merely by attempting it. A soldier with amnesia usually still knows how to operate the equipment he had been trained with, a singer can still sing (Reference Jan Berry of Jan and Dean) and a pilot would recognize the situation and react even if he doesn't remember flying before.

Exiled: Jedi Report
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre TSL on Coruscant: She never expected to meet him again

I still have problems with the clothing, and especially when she meets the Jedi Master. If you have a bounty hunter in the full rig usually shown down to helmet, you could have people meet under these circumstances and perhaps they won'y recognize each other. Moreover, if you are spending any long period of time together, the clues add up. Watch the live action movie Green Lantern where the girl immediately recognizes him even with the mask

As usual, no time to read it all, but an interesting turn of events

What's In A Name
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre TSL On Tatooine: The Exile redefines what remains of her life

The piece is nicely dark, and her feelings have been shared by many that have had their former lives torn away. The idea that the 'innocent have just not been caught' is an old one.

Best of the week

Uncertain
Caroshadow

Set during the Clone Wars: A misson goes awry when one of the clones is bitten by a local bug

Remember to sight edit, as you use the wrong words sometime (Guaranty rather than guarantee) and always remember conversation breaks. A story should flow like a river, and when you forget them, you cause unnecessary chop.

The situation so far in chapter one is a basic one, but worth following.

Myosotis Redux
She-Who-Dances-With-The-Stars

Pre KOTOR: She just decided it's a vacation

Technical note, police procedure: In the game Manaan was listed as a neutral, neither Sith nor Republic world. Therefore a Republic cop would have no authority to arrest or detain her while she is there. If you need an example, look at Ira Einhorn, the 'Unicorn killer'. Charged with murder, he had fled the country for France. It took almost a decade before the US was able to have him extradited.

However the Star War universe does have an alternative you didn't consider, and that is a bounty hunter. An interesting way to set up the game. The only thing I am curious about, is that since she was so forceful in attempting to conquer the Republic, why would she give all of that up just to go through the crap she does deal with in chapter one?

KotoR StoryThe True Sith Come
MalTheAwesome

7 years Post TSL: The enemy finally comes

The first chapter had both good and bad moments. The bad is the idea that the reconstruction absolutely needs the Jedi as part of it. It makes the people of the Republic look like a group of wimps.

What I did like is the idea I surmise that the enemy feels weak enough that they have to trick at least one Jedi into coming to the Exile's rescue to test their capabilities.

Past Epilogue
The Passionate Admiral

Six years post TSL: The combined crews from both games go on a mission

Two things, one technical, the other a commentary on the scene from Chapter 2

Technical note, Crew complement: A ship because of it's limited resources, can only hold so many people. For a trip of any real duration, you must balance what the ship can supply; food, water if only for drinking and cooking, recycling capability (Both water and waste) and especially enough room to be able to do more than stand while she is underway. Note that are only six bunks (Seven with the one in sick bay) on board. That means you are carrying three times her normal crew complement even if you assume the bunk in the sickbay is someone's bed at least eight hours of the time. That is the reason why the crew in each game in limited to seven (and two or three droids) for the ship, it is what can be quartered without discomfort.

The German navy of WWII was known for 'hot bunking'; having people share bunks, with one crewman sleeping, another taking his place after eight hours, but you have three people doing so per bunk just to have room for them all to sleep. It would be bad enough with just the crews of the ship on her previous missions (fourteen, with either Hanharr or Mical as alternates).

This does not mean you could not shoehorn 22 people into her, it's just if the trip is very long (More than a couple of days), you will arrive tired, frustrated, and willing to kill anything that gets in your way once the ramp comes down. In my own Return from Exile, My Exile Marai Devos did overload her to travel from Dantooine to Telos, but I know she didn't assume they would also be coming back. It was an emergency situation.

Read David Weber's where the main character is trying to organize the evacuation of over two million people from an enemy prison, and she is not sure she can lift them all until the end. Every ship is carrying 200 percent of their core crews, and even then, it was a balance of capacity and being able to fight the ships if necessary.

I can't see Nar Shaddaa as any other world, any more than I can See Tortuga under the Pirates of the 16th and 17th century as just some other settlement.

Vibroblades and Mirrors
Mister Buch

TSL on Malachor V: the final confrontation from several points of view

The piece makes me wish I had time to read all of the chapters. In a few sentences, the Author give you a believable running dialogue from Atton's view, and that's just chapter one. I did pretty much the same thing in my own Return From Exile, but only on the march from the ship to the Academy.

Pick of the Week

The Last Crusade
Cavalyn

AU Mainly Pre Mandalorian wars: Master and apprentice.

Again, I'm wishing for more time. Though the prologue is basically generic, the idea of them being master and apprentice is a new thing in my reading here so far. To face someone you had once trusted as an enemy is a perfect aperitif for what I know will follow...

Pick of the Week

Kayashi K'oyayci
Eyyowlf

KOTOR on Dantooine: Hunting and reminiscences

The piece is a typical slice of life hunting story, or so it would seem from the start, but I liked it a lot. In my own KOTOR and TSL works, I treated the Mandalorians like people, rather than mindless thugs, and while I never carried it through in Return From Exile, I had Carth and Canderous reminiscing like this.

I especially enjoyed the 'liver' scene. If you have ever read Jingo by Terry Pratchett, they have a scene where a guest is given sheep's eyeballs to eat, and his reply is that they pick something disgusting as a joke, which is what Canderous is pulling here with Carth.

Together
Untitledmind

KOTOR starting at the Star Forge: They will be together, no matter what

The piece needs polishing. The scene when they reach the ship comes over as trite for example.

But you redeemed it when Bastila and Revan talk. Thirteen chapter, worth a read.

I Bastila
Futility Reigns

Pre KOTOR: Choices

The piece has a calm 'and now it begins' feel to it. The primary negative I had with chapter one is the comment about a Jedi who never feels the Force directing them, which is sort of an oxymoron, since unlike a religious order of our world, you have to be connected to the Force beyond merely giving lip service to it.

The attack when it comes is expected, and why she does what she does perfectly understandable.

The Ebon Hawk Instant Messaging Archive
CalliopeCalling

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A look behind the scenes

Being an old man, I have not been subsumed by the IM craze of today. But seeing some of what's happening through those eyes is kinda fun. Having Revan have to steal time on Bastila's computer was a fun bit, and having Bastila Force Persuaded using IMs cute.

Contingency Plans
Prisoner 24601

Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Some strings are being pulled in the background...

When Prisoner and Dinah Lance come onto the scene I know it will be good, albeit weird sometimes. Having Revan be a family name was good, and creating a rich old man in the background something unsuspected.

The conversation was something I especially liked because it highlights how little the people of the Republic fail to grasp about their one time enemy. Assuming that he is merely dealing with a hired thug, and the world weary attitude of Canderous who is quite used to that idea.

Only got to read the first chapter, damn it.

Pick of the Week

If
LadyArin

Pre KOTOR AU: They landed on the wrong ship...

The piece didn't surprise me really. If they had known the flagships, they should have hit the right one, so we have a deception played by their enemies, and fell for it. The only real confusion would have been if they hit Karath's ship instead, meaning an entirely wasted effort.

However once they are there, it flowed well, and you knew Bastila would put as much effort into saving Malak as she had in the original.

A Matter of Choice
Tinypinkmouse

KOTOR at Lehon: It does come down to choices

The piece was interesting, since as anyone can tell you, you can rationalize anything you do if you word it right. The idea that Carth will join her even if he didn't fall was almost a foregone conclusion.

Harmony
A Pleasant Reader

Post TSL and return: It wasn't like they had set a date or anything

The piece snuck up on me because, as the title states, their thoughts, even going in opposite directions, create a harmony. Neither sure of what the other feels for them, and unwilling to make ther leap of assumption.

I hated having to stop. Two chapters to go.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-12-2014, 09:54 AM   #1415
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Star Wars Sacrifice
Wolfschlitzen

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl is chosen by the order

Remember to sight edit. There were several times where you forgot to complete sentences. You also jumped from present tense to past tense.

Technical note, hyperdrive: Since fighters didn't have internal hyper drive until after the Clone Wars, I assume the fighter mentioned had a warp ring of some kind, which would have had two docking procedures, one for the fighter and another for the ring.

The piece feels a bit rushed to me. I know Arren has to get her away before the attack, but she doesn't bother to inform the crew of their impending doom, merely grabs the girl to flee. But if she had seen her parent's ship killed by the Mandalorians, she would definitely have a reason to push for the Jedi to join the war later.

Knights of the Old Republic: Old Memories
Ardent Flame

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A Revan with a lot of his memories really intact fighte to escape the ship

Remember to sight edit. I know it was rewritten, but you missed some. Don't take that as a negative, I posted a story over at lucasforums and took three weeks to find a grammatical error of my own.

The basics, that he has salvaged his memories makes an interesting twist, especially his not letting anyone else know about it.

Jedi Don't Brood
Simonsaysfunction

Aboard Ebon Hawk: Well that didn't go as she had planned

Like any practical joker, Revan forgets that not everyone will see the joke as funny, though I chuckled when I read what she had done. And the title is so choice, because we've seen Anakin brood so often it reminded me of the line from the Clone Wars move. Asohka; 'You've got that look again' Anakin; 'There's a look?'

Pick of the Week

As a Friend
Simonsaysfunction

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Did she say what she thought she heard?

Having just read another short piece by the same author, I was ready, I thought. The one thing I like about the mods available for the KOTOR games has been the 'make a relationship possible', like a same sex pairing with Bastila. I didn't try it in KOTOR until I had used the one in TSL where you replace the Disciple with the Handmaiden, because quite frankly, I didn't like him enough to have him in my group.

The piece is funny because even with Bastila being deadly serious, I can see the author's character willing to push the envelope a little more.

I wonder if it would be possible to make one for Canderous and a female in either game?

Guardian Angel
LadyArin

Pre TSL: How much are you willing to give to save your brother?

The premise was outstanding, the actions by the Jedi perfectly reasonable.

When I wrote my own Return from Exile, I did a little figuring on the number of potential Jedi with a lot of givens, such as the level of midichlorians, number of Jedi known to be, number of known planets in the galaxy, etc, and came up with just under a million five. If you want my figures, go to the story, chapter 32. If you're using IE, just click edit, find and put in the word midichlorian.

Pick of the Week

Snowed In
Untitledmind

Post KOTOR on Dantooine: They're snowed in... whatever will they do?

The piece was a nice little slice of life, and perfectly reasonable. Only two flaws.

The temperature scale you're using is obviously faerenheit, but like the month mentioned, they are both linked to our own planet. You could have said winter instead, and just not mentioned a specific temperature.

Incoming Fighters
Nici-Kitty

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Bad day? Try a bad week or so...

Remember to sight edit. You were uneven with conversation breaks, sometimes working them perfectly, other times forgetting them. At one point you had three different people talking in the same paragraph for example.

Starting with a very bad gunnery run, the jokes and situations continue. Selling off the men's blasters because 'you're not using them anyway' segues to Jolee looking like a real ditz, Canderous smashing doors (And BTW they are hatches on a ship) and dumping too much salt into the food processor, and that's just the start.

The 'who trusts the other less' contest and the fact that she is more hung up on having been the Dasrk Lord were choice.

Warmth
Veni Vidi Vichi

KOTOR After Leviathan: Sometimes you just need to talk to each other

The piece was cute in it's own way. Everyone trying one after another to get Revan to cheer up, though you only see Canderous and Carth here. The author is correct about Carth, because he does flirt with a female Revan almost immediately, balanced with his 'I don't trust anyone' attitude, So the author just cut to the chase as it were.

Advice over Pazaak
Veni Vidi Vichi

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine: Sometimes you just have to relax

Remember to sight edit, you used hour instead of our.

I never got into the game, or Yu Gi Oh, so I didn't notice the quote, sorry. But the reason I used the 'get Handmaiden as a female' was because I can't stand Disciple at all, so your own comment, about you want your dog to look like a dog fits him.

Just Her Silly Toy
SWfangirl21

Remember to sight edit. You used new instead of knew for example. You also had a sentence that didn't make sense because of the wording. That sentence, 'I wouldn't call it uncomfortable but it was comfortable either' should be wasn't even with English screaming about watching out for double negatives.

I rather liked the piece, each of the people remembering what really happened in the incidents that are told as lies, and Atton and Mical actually reconciling, if only in death...

KOTOR 2 Mhi Soulus Tome
The Hark-ness monster

TSL on Dxun: After landing for repairs, the crew of the Ebon Hawk meet the neighbors

Basically a generic retelling of the event. My primary negative is with the actual game elements. When you're writing a story, you should try to avoid things that remind people the this is from a game.

Also, while the basic style is good, you really didn't give us a lot of you in it so far. But then again, I only had time to read the intro chapter.

Another Story
Mike Canary

Six years Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira has returned home, but trouble is brewing...

The piece is well done, and the situation reminds me of any town when the old gangs have been destroyed, and new ones try to move into the vacuum.

While I had time only to read the first chapter, it gave me a lot to think about. The thugs merely thinking they can walk in and make demands is generic, but the reaction of the patrons after Mira had taken down the first man was choice.

The attack that followed made me wonder, because it speaks of a better tactical mind than you would anticipate for a simple gang. Sending in a decoy team to hopefully keep their opponent occupied so that the real team means she is not dealing with just any gang.
Sixteen chapters, definitely worth reading.

Best of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-21-2014, 10:25 PM   #1416
machievelli
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Parallel Bars
Elriel Xillow-Onasi

Five years Post TSL: Heading home, Revan gets some advice on love from Canderous of all people

Remember to sight edit. You forgot the conversation breaks in one paragraph, then used predition instead of prediction.

That being said, the piece is nicely done, and tightly written. I enjoyed the interplay between Revan and Canderous, and the reasoning why Atton who is aboard, is so depressed. One of those I wish I could read all the way through. But there's nothing stopping you...

Pick of the Week

Heart of the Guardian
KyaniteD

Post KOTOR: A gift for her love...

The piece is nicely done, and like any relationship, the one barb is accidental rather than intentional. It was interesting to see a Revan losing an eye in her battle against Malak, but she has accepted that loss. The teasing way to get her lover into bed was fun as well.

Pick of the Week

A message to Satele Shan
SpartanComando

Generations after KOTOR: Revan's descendant receives a call to duty

The piece has an interesting feel to it. So much of what is past is still obscured, though if it is set right before TOR, it would be.

KotOR Passion and Chaos
LD Little Dragon

Pre-KOTOR: Carth's next mission is a bit vague

It is an interesting look at what came before. Carth being such a workaholic that the Admiral hands him her own credit card to get him to relax. Of course we all know who the woman is.

Canderous Cares
Elriel Xillow-Onasi

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Canderous is writing what???

An advice to the lovelorn column? After reading the constant shameless plugs, I was wondering how low he could sink until he comments on his mother's letter!

Tied for Best of the Week

Infiltration
Scriptor Sapiens

Clone Wars: Delta team has to deal with another Jedi. But this time they made one wrong assumption...

I thought the scene with the adviser was a bit much, primarily because while the team doesn't want to deal with any Jedi, he didn't bother to address the misconception Boss made.

Haven't kept up with my reading on the EU series, so I am not sure how often they might have dealt with the 'holier than thou' type of Jedi.

The Power of Revan
N7 Commando

Pre KOTOR: Revan escapes, but to where?

Remember to sight edit; you used threw instead of through, then good when you meant go. This is not a major ding, I posted part of one of my stories over at Lucasforums years ago, and had a reviewer point out that I had made a grammatical error, but didn't tell me what it was. It took me three weeks to find it.

So my mantra is reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

I had time to only read the first chapter, but it left me unsatisfied. Part of the reason is why Revan didn't merely surrender her ships upon arrival, which would have stopped the battle from even occurring. In WWII, U-boats still on patrol were ordered to surrender to the next military vessel they encountered, or failing that, to proceed to the first enemy port to surface and do the same.

Second, and very important, if the True Sith are so powerful, what makes you think they would be less powerful 4,000 years later?

Double Whammy
Renee Enderson

Pre KOTOR: If one crack on the head doesn't do it...

Except for the Dark Lord's obsession with a pink lightsaber, I thoroughly enjoyed the work. I had almost thought of the scene from Airplane where the stewardess is smacking everyone in the head with the guitar as she walks forward.

Pick of the Week

Mutual Attraction
xFantasyAngel

7 Years Post KOTOR: An odd holocron may drive Revan mad

The main question is where did a holocron that has events that had not happened come from?

Except for that one question, an excellent first work.

The Runup
TheJediSentinel

Post KOTOR: Everyone just has to have their say before the big day

I have been through this before with my first X, so I was able to relate. There is always that one who thinks it will be a disaster, the one young girl who is thinking of the party afterward, and where I was during it all, correcting the English of the kid who wrote last.

Pick of the Week

The Morning After
Flooj9235

KOTOR on Manaan: In vino et veritas

The piece is a stereotypical view of the hungover remembering what happened the previous evening. The scenes were fun, though why she didn't give Kat a lap dance too made me wonder.

The only negative I had with it was the Jedi Council erasing the memories. Sexual orientation shouldn't matter, and I can't see having them run a revolving door system to deal with every kid who suddenly feels the first rush of hormones.

Tied for Best of the Week

Kotor Changed
Avatar 101

On Yavin, but watching what occurred during the Endar Spire battle: A revamp of history

Remember conversation breaks. Picture your story as a path through the town you live in. As the one walking, you pick your course, but there will be obstructions along the way you don't know about yet. When you forget conversation breaks, you as the author are throwing unnecessary ones in the way. Also remember to sight edit. You used shoot (As in using a gun) when you meant chute (Narrow passage) as an example.

It was an interesting take on the events aboard the ship. The one thing that bothered me was his mere acceptance that he had been reprogrammed by the Council.

I wish I could read further. What was in the message he sent before he was captured?

Definitely worth reading.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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