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Old 08-14-2001, 07:23 AM   #1
Boba Fat
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Lightbulb Chapters

Hey it could be kinda like my post Lets make a story. We can write a chapter and then you can comment on it giving your thoughts. Then you can make a new chapter to a new story or just add on to make a Chapter 2. I think its a pretty good idea and Ill start off.

Star Wars: Deadly Revenge.

Chapter One

Sweat poured down her face as a Jedi called Handia Kanjamini battled furiosly against her apponent Kunadi Manjura. She hadn't fought anyone like this before, it was so hard to predict his next move. He would fake to the left and srike the right, then he would fake to the right and strike in the centre. She couldn't keep up the fight much longer. She had to finish this quickly or she would lose. This jedi was hardly tired at all he was extremely fit mentally and phsically. She imagined him as a Dark Jedi who was extremely evil. She had to beat him to save many lives. Sudenly he faked to the left and struck her right hand she dropped her training sabre and was stung on the wrist. He simply had to put his foot out to trip her over. With this he moved his sabre over her throught and had defeated her. No how could she lose she had beaten five opponents undefeated in a row. Then Yoda yelled "Enough it is, go back to your quaters and rest a tough battle it has been!"
She was so dissappointed...

Boba Fat
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Old 08-15-2001, 04:50 PM   #2
oninosensi
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AH, you need to go back and clean that up. It is very disjointed the way you have it written.
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Old 08-20-2001, 01:04 AM   #3
cenca
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I'm going to try one...

Telon Urgen’s head buzzed. “He said what?” he asked the small young woman in front of him.
“He said he’d blow up anyone who came near the Tower…plus a lot of other churlish language.”
Telon took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “The idiot! Why the heck did I ever higher him?”
The woman shrugged. “Kirin,” Telon continued. “I want you to follow him. He’s up to no good any fool can tell.”
Kirin nodded. “With pleasure.”
Telon watched her sprint out of his office. “Well Merlae Yola, I believe now is the time for my revenge.” He said with a smile.

Kirin Iria left the office and headed for docking bay 60. Her mind was whirling with possibilities. “He will die a slow and painful death.” She muttered. “I swear it!”
She reached a bulky, but small freighter, incongruously enough called, the Force Fire. “Ktoo! Get the ship’s coordinates set for the Plectra Sector.”
The silver protocol droid- K282- hurried by to do his duties. Kirin ran up the hatch to the cockpit, closing it on her way. But the hatch wouldn’t close. She gave a grunt, grabbed a flat tool, and gave the hatch a sound whack. It closed with a thump. She hurried to the cockpit to find Ktoo almost finished keying in the coordinates. He finished and sat back. “Well Miss Kirin, is it about Merlae again?”
Kirin gave a small laugh. “That Jedi? When has it not been about him?”
“Since he killed your brother.”
Kirin frowned. “He deserves to die slowly, with a saber through his middle. Burning him alive and eating him from the inside, out!”
Ktoo gave a disappointed sniff. “What would Master Telon say if he heard you saying things like that? Whatever happens to Merlae is decided by Master Telon.”
“I know, I know. But…oh never mind. We’ve got to get this hunk of junk to fly. Come on Ktoo, help me key in the sequences.”

In not too much time, Kirin and Ktoo, where on their way to the Plectra Sector. “Ktoo,” Kirin asked slowly, picking out each word. “How did Merlae really kill my brother?”
Ktoo looked about as worried as a droid could look. “Does it matter Miss Kirin?”
Kirin sat up. “Well, not particularly. But I would like to know. I have the right to know, since Lon was my brother.”
“Well then…” Ktoo said slowly and deliberately. “He…was…killed…by a lightsaber, of course!”
Kirin gave Ktoo an odd look, but sat back in her seat and back into her thoughts. “Light Jedi! Who the heck does he think he’s trying to fool? He certainly didn’t fool me! If he wanted to win me back then I suggest flowers and a card. Not killing my little brother!”
“He is rather—!”
Ktoo didn’t have time to finish. A loud siren was heard from one of the back rooms. Kirin jumped up and ran to the back, following by ear only. The door she finally came to was locked. The noise was indeed coming from inside. “Who’s in there? Identify yourself!”
Nothing answered. She kicked the door soundly with her heavily booted feet. Suddenly she heard the soft sound of footfalls inside. Grabbing her gun, she rapidly fired three shot in succession. A small dent was all it made. She ran back and tried to ram the door. Suddenly the door opened on her. She went flying backward into the wall, hitting her head and blacking out.
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Old 08-21-2001, 05:21 AM   #4
Boba Fat
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Hey thats a good one hehe but whats wrong with mine? Don't just say it needs fixing up tell me why!

Boba Fat
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Old 08-21-2001, 11:17 AM   #5
andy_nighthawk
 
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faked= feinted. apart from a few punctuation errors I thought it was quite good Boba.


"Always in motion, the futures is." Yoda, ESB.
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Old 08-21-2001, 12:51 PM   #6
cenca
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same here, boba. it's really awesome!
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Old 08-21-2001, 04:39 PM   #7
oninosensi
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It would take an hour to point out all the mistakes- stuff you should have picked up from a basic english class. there are run on sentences, puctuation and spelling errors, mostly. And it doesn't flow well. It is very choppy. Try typing it out in MS Word 2000 and cut and paste into the feild.

Sorry, but your grammer is not very good.
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Old 08-22-2001, 02:31 AM   #8
Kurgan
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Thumbs up

Run that sucker through your favorite word processor software (with spelling/grammar check) and it'd work wonders. ; )
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Old 08-22-2001, 04:59 AM   #9
Boba Fat
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Well thanks for the compliments but that was a quick one and didn't really have that much time to write or think about it cause I did it in about 2 mins By the way oninosensie I don't pay attention in english class and I have a life! I hate school but you probably like it cause you dont have a life and you have the japanese word for teacher in your name! (oni hasn't got a teacher)

If I get time I may write a better one but for the mean time thats all!

Boba Fat
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Old 08-22-2001, 06:23 PM   #10
cenca
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anyone care to tell me what's good and wrong about mine? just maybe....
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Old 08-22-2001, 07:19 PM   #11
JediKnight_114[b]
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Yours was really good Qui. Well written and flowed well. No real complaints about it other than petty ones that are just a matter of personal opinion. So, all in all, a good job.
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:06 AM   #12
cenca
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personal opinion? i really do want a full critiqing. i haven't had one in a long time. actually i find it very helpful to know what exactly is wrong about my work. i'm going to get it soon enough, so why not now?!
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:37 AM   #13
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What I mean by personal opinion is there are a few things in there that I wouldn't have put in, and not enough of others. Not that you are wrong or untalented for doing it, it just isn't what I would have done.

Here's what I mean: All in all, the chapter was fast paced, and flowed very smoothly, however, there is the problem of I had no idea what led up to those events, who the people really were, and why they were in such a hurry to get out. It's like you started in the middle of a book or chapter with nothing leading up the events that you posted. Now, a few backstories and a bit of narrative would have helped immensly.

Now, I am nearly finished with my first book, so after two years of writing it, I am a little hard on inconsistencies, incomplete backstories, and other things that detract from the story. However, as I said, your story did read smoothly, and was really quite enjoyable.

Now that I have critiqued yours, if I posted the first portion of my first chapter (not the entire thing yet since it's around 20 pages long, so I would have to post the entire chapter seperately) would you give me some feedback?
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:51 AM   #14
cenca
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sure thing! Oh and thanks, I was trying out a new thing by starting out in the middle of something and building on it, basically, giving a sense of, "Hey you just walked into something, I'm only going to give you a little bit of the backstory(barely nothing), so try to figure out what's going on as I give subtly give clues as to the happening before." In other words, use your brain. It's very helpful to know what others think about that form of writing. I just finished my first novel and it's written kinda like that. Not as drastic, but sort of the same way.
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Old 08-23-2001, 01:26 AM   #15
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Cool, you write too? What kind of book is it, and are you gonna try and get it published?

Anyway, I only recently started typing my book, 100,000 words by hand, so I only have like four pages on my processor. I'll post those pages in a new topic, and you tell me what you think. Deal?
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Old 08-23-2001, 02:26 AM   #16
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Quote:
posted by Boba Fat:
By the way oninosensie I don't pay attention in english class and I have a life! I hate school but you probably like it cause you dont have a life and you have the japanese word for teacher in your name! (oni hasn't got a teacher)
That made little sense. But in answer to what I did understand:

I do have a life, and a good one. How you might ask? Because I paid attention in class and learned how to do what I wanted to do the correct way the first time. I didn't like school either, but there is no better time to get ready for your future.

It is sad you feel that way- but that is ok. I need someone to serve me my hamburgers.

Yes, my name does contain the japanese word for teacher (or it could translate as master), but i fail to see what your getting at.
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Old 08-23-2001, 02:35 AM   #17
JediKnight_114[b]
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All right, qwi, the first part of my chapter is here: http://www.jediknight.net/cgi-bin/mb...c&f=1&t=001221

tell me what you think
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Old 08-23-2001, 05:12 AM   #18
Boba Fat
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Your chapter is good Qwi Xux but the only thing I think is slightly incorrect is that you called the droid "him" instead of "it". It's not really wrong, just a small point. I mean who really cares about pronouns anyway?

And oninosensie two words you won't find in a "basic english class" SCREW YOU!!! So escuse me if i'm politically incorrect but I don't give a damn if you want to be a prissy little schoolgirl!

Boba Fat
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:02 PM   #19
cenca
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Wink

Quote:
Originally posted by JediKnight_114:
[QB]Cool, you write too? What kind of book is it, and are you gonna try and get it published?[QB]

It's a fantasy and I'm also too freaked out that I actually finished it to publish it! It's also got some of my friends in it and I'm kind of worried that they'll kill me for writing them into my story. I was trying for a while to publish it myself...but I'm not to good at things like that! Maybe I'll get the courage to get it published someday, I do have another chance though, I'm pushing on getting another novel finished(better than the other one since it's science fiction this time! ). Maybe I'll actually let one of my friends read it!
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:29 PM   #20
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Quote:
Poseted by boba fat:
And oninosensie two words you won't find in a "basic english class" SCREW YOU!!! So escuse me if i'm politically incorrect but I don't give a damn if you want to be a prissy little schoolgirl!
Why? Because I am right, and you can't handle it? If you choose to be lazy, it is not my fault. Try sending that to a publishing company- they will be worse on it then I have been. They will email to all their friends and laugh at you.

Get an education, or learn to flip burgers; the choice is yours.
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Old 08-23-2001, 12:33 PM   #21
cenca
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guys...peace please!
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Old 08-24-2001, 05:31 AM   #22
Boba Fat
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Angry

I said screw you cause I hate you not because your right! I will not learn to flip burger instead I probably will learn how to poison food so you will die! I don't like you and I have an education but I just don't like school! Why would I send my post to a publishing company?? Its not a book! You idiot! jeez!I don't have to do anything you say at all! Just try and make me flip burgers!

Boba Fat
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Old 08-24-2001, 01:26 PM   #23
pandemonium
 
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How can you hate somone you don't know? For all you know oni could be your best friend at school- the one who is sooo good in L.A.


"I see." Said the blind Sith, as he picked up his saber and saw
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Old 08-24-2001, 04:24 PM   #24
Kurgan
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Simmer down kids, don't make me wake ol' Betsy...

(*lays infamous Banning Gun sidearm onto the table*)

Barkeep, another Correlian ale!
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