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Old 08-09-2002, 02:50 PM   #1
oninosensi
 
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Pain

My brain feel as though it is bleeding from the soul out, like my heart has been destroyed and that life is just going to do nothing. I am truely on my own, and I have failed.

A simple fact, no one cares for the losers. Sure they profess to caring, and claim to want to be friends, but when it comes down to it, noone truely does. Nothing you can do. Those who offer to help, tell you they cannot when you do approach them. Nothing lives to it's hype, there is nothing you can do about it. You are on your own. If you cannot support yourself, this world has no use for you.

Life is ****. There is no other term for it. None what so ever. You get ****ed, and everyone stands at the wayside to watch. Or, as is the case lately with me, gets in line to **** you themselves.

My message is simplly this- trust no one, no body, they will only hurt you in the end. It is better not to feel, not to acknowledge, because in the end, happiness is only an illusion. It does not exsist, in any form. If you think you are happy, you are lying to yourself. That's all.

Nothing is real except pain. Life has proven that time and time again. Past time I accepted that fact.

Goodbye my children. I have loved you. But now there is nothing more I have to offer you. Your mother, your grand father, and his wife have stripped me of anything I have to offer, I shall miss you. But I have nothing for you.

To my father. You I shall not miss. You have been nothing but a source of heartache and frustration my entire life. You have not been a father to me, in any sense of the word. This letter is goodbye to you, even if you never see it. You are no longer going to be a part of my life. Looking back, I can now see, you never really where.

To my mother. you will be missed as well. I have nothing more to offer you except this final heartache, and the knowledge I have failed utterly. I have nothing to offer execpt my past record, and a poor one it is.

To my sister. Wish I could have gotten to really know you, but that was just not to be. We live in entirely different world, and they simply do not mesh.

Keith and Kristi- you have been good friendfs, but I cannot handle your heartache with my own. I do hope things work out between you, but for me, I have failed. There is nothing but pain down the road I walk. You do not wish to follow me.

Bridget- I have loved you, and was betrayed by it. No hate do I hold to you for this. All you did was reinforce the princples of pain, and how alone you really are in this world. There is nothing that could have been done by anyone. In the end, I have again failed myself in believing there could have been a chance.

Pedro, Paul, Greg, and many others I have known online- I hope your lives work out. I no longer have the friendship to offer you. My days of being online have been seriously curtailed. This machine has given me a simblance of hope, but no longer. It is now to be a tool. Nothing more.

To Nicky and Alex- I have enjoyed my time meeting you, but I regret that could not show that there are good people in this world. I hope you adjust well to your news lives.

Martin, Kregg, and Daniel- Possible the only reasons I made it through high school. You have been there when I need you,m and I have done what I could to help you in return. But now, you cannot help me. I have fallen to far, too much to expect you to destroy your lives helping mine one more time.

To all others I have not mentioned- my life was improved knowing you, no matter how briefly. But life is pain, and the pain has killed any love in my soul.
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Old 08-09-2002, 04:28 PM   #2
obi
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I think this response sums it all up:



You're a writer, arent you?

Good, dark, but good.




Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?-Matthew 7:3-5
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Old 08-09-2002, 07:38 PM   #3
BeastMaster
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I think somebody needs a hug.

And possibly to talk about something?


"The Beasts know much that we do not." -Ancient Jedi proverb
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Old 08-09-2002, 08:24 PM   #4
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I do applogize to those of whom I have frightened.

I has come to my attention that the tone of the previous letter suggests suicide. I wish to assure those who are concerned that this is not the case. My life has hit a breaking point, and has blown past it with great speed. Suicide, however, is not, nor is it ever to be, an option.

I have hit a point in my life. I have taken a long serious look at myself, and relize how bad I have ****ed up. My girlfriend decided to seek out herself. My finances are gone. My credit destroyed. While I am employeed, there is again a long slow, rebuil of my life. Right now, I am trying to determine where it is I screwed up. And how to keep from walking down this path yet again. All the oncoming trains hitting continuously all at once.

Right now, while my mindset is frustrated, angry, confused, and ready to cut everyting loose, the though of killing myself is not there. All I feel, beyond the emptiness, is rage. Rage at myself mostly, for allowing myself to think that there is hope, and that happiness is a readily avaible commodity. Right now I stare into the bleakness that is my soul, and despair at the beast stares back.

Right now, at this moment, I have to make choices about my life, about things I have done, or could do. To that end, I will be gone. I don't expect to be around much for awhile, online at least. For now, I have to walk the dark paths of my mind and soul, and seek out that which I need, hunt the black beasts that feed the wound in my psyche.

For all those that have expressed concern, I thank you.


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Old 08-09-2002, 10:11 PM   #5
obi
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wow......you weren't writing a story...

Well I'm sorry if I have misinterpureted it.

Seeing how you are in such a Dark State, and seeing how I am a "preacher" type of person, I will now like to take the time to tell you of Jesus Christ.

I have no idea if you have a religion, or if you worship God, or whatever your cause may be.

However, I will tell you that if you prey, and beleive, and have no doubts in your mind that He will be there, he will. Life may be rough at times, but it will get better, despite the circumstances.

(I apologize to anyone who is of another faith, or got offended by my post, I am only trying to help)




Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?-Matthew 7:3-5
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Old 08-10-2002, 09:22 AM   #6
BeastMaster
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Quote:
Originally posted by oninosensi
While I am employeed, there is again a long slow, rebuil of my life. Right now, I am trying to determine where it is I screwed up. And how to keep from walking down this path yet again.
But you will rebuild. You will be stronger for having survived this crisis.

Corny as it sounds, that's one of the key lessons I learned from Star Trek. Bad things happen. Then you deal with them. You learn from them. Then more bad things happen, but through it all you survive, you learn to thrive, and you grow.

And yes, I believe good things happen. I myself have no evidence to hand, but I have to believe it; otherwise nothing matters (as you seem to have realized). Mortal suffering only serves to make the triumphs all the more poignant.


"The Beasts know much that we do not." -Ancient Jedi proverb
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Old 08-11-2002, 12:07 AM   #7
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I have alot to learn to deal with. My life has fallen apart, and just when I think I can't get any worse, life proves to me wrong.

But, on the other hand, this battle I may have lost, but the war is still going.

I have decided, in an attempt to try to understand myself better, to keep a written account of how I am feeling. Maybe it will help, maybe it will become self-indulgent drivel.

I am not sure of were I am going at this point. I am hoping this will allow me to shine some light in the dark receses of my soul.

For those interested, the link is in my sig.


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Old 08-12-2002, 09:23 AM   #8
Pedro The Hutt
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Obi-Wan13 O_o How eh.... did you think that that was a story, I had that mailed to me, I practically had a heart attack and replied within an instant.
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