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Old 01-16-2004, 05:25 AM   #1
ET Warrior
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Funniest Email EVER

Alright guys, this is a long read, but i swear it is WELL worth it. There is some profanity, only a couple instances, just to warn y'all though.

If any of you don't laugh, I honestly will lose faith in humanity

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress.............

> > >Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

> > >Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

> > >Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

> > >Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find
me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

> > >Friday:

I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

> > >Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

> > >Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -
like a root canal or a vasectomy.



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Old 01-16-2004, 11:22 AM   #2
Pie™
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poor, poor, guy...




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Old 01-16-2004, 01:47 PM   #3
jebbers
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muahahahahaha thats funny....thats gotta suck to be watching 11 straight hours of weather channel.....i cant even watch the weather for 11 seconds......

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Old 01-16-2004, 03:17 PM   #4
Sivy
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lol, very funny.

Quote:
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
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Old 01-16-2004, 10:08 PM   #5
Sam Fisher
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BTW...






Naw. I just had to post it, and I've see this before




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Old 01-17-2004, 03:53 AM   #6
wassup
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Re: Funniest Email EVER

Quote:
Originally posted by ET Warrior

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Got a laugh out of me.
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Old 01-17-2004, 08:50 AM   #7
Darth Rythe
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Poor guy, but funny good job ET





Zaxted Starport | Rhett at his Worst | Lego Night Club |
Knowledge is power.....power is required for computers.....computers are required for porn...
computers are very freakin important! --- Astrotoy7
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Old 01-17-2004, 09:14 AM   #8
Alegis
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Nice find ETW
Quote:
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile
(...)
Quote:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl
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Old 01-17-2004, 07:55 PM   #9
BongoBob
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heh, I think I've seen this before, but I can't help but laugh at it



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Old 01-17-2004, 09:52 PM   #10
Datheus
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Eh.. I didn't laugh. Not that funny. I like the diary of a Computer Science major better. THAT is funny.
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Old 01-18-2004, 06:23 AM   #11
ET Warrior
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Quote:
Originally posted by Datheus
Eh.. I didn't laugh. Not that funny. I like the diary of a Computer Science major better. THAT is funny.
*loses all faith in humanity*



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Old 01-18-2004, 03:45 PM   #12
MennoniteHobbit
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Hmm. not that right type of humor for me... oh well. was that guy on pot, or somethin'?

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Old 01-18-2004, 08:27 PM   #13
DarkLord60
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That poor poor man. LOL


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Old 01-20-2004, 05:45 PM   #14
ET Warrior
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Quote:
Originally posted by MennoniteHobbit
oh well. was that guy on pot, or somethin'?
Was....pot.......WHAT?

Where on earth would you get the idea he was on pot?



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Old 01-22-2004, 08:41 PM   #15
TheHobGoblin1
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Omg that was funny at the end.

Guy who went to the gym, a man with nothing to lose.


Guy: I just got home, something didn't seem right.
Guy: A "G" was painted on the wall, a map of things to come.
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