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Old 03-31-2004, 07:04 AM   #1
narfblat
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Lets start a humor thread

tell a joke or funny story. mark stories as fiction(untrue) or non-fiction(true) or unknown. (I hope the moderators don't consider this spam. If you do, let me know.)

non-fiction: I was working at a fast food restaurant when someone attempted to rob a nearby bank. He had successfully robbed other banks. He had a disguise, a fake bomb, and a demand note. His only problem was, the bank was closed because it was saturday. The man left the bank and came to get some food from the place I work. Someone had seen him acting weird and called police, who apprehended him at a video store. The police found the fake bomb in the suspect's trunk, and evacuated several nearby businesses while the bomb squad was brought in.


I support "No Child Left Standing"

I have Attention Surplus Disorder.
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Old 03-31-2004, 07:19 AM   #2
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Thats a good story, the sort of thing that gets on programs like "stupid behavior caught on tape"

um fiction,

A little green man is having a little green shower in his little green bathroom in his little green house when his little green girlfriend knocks on his little green door. He puts his little green towel round his little green waist, goes down the little green staires and answers the little green door. just as he opens the little green door his little green towel falls off his little green waist and his little green girfriend screams, runs across the little green road and gets hit by a little green car.

the moral of this story is, always look both ways even if the little green man is flashing.






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Old 03-31-2004, 07:42 AM   #3
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Another joke thread, eh?

Non-Fiction

A man walks into a small carry out and demands all the money in the register. The clerk complies. The robber then sees bottle of Jack Daniel's behind the counter and demands that the clerk put it in the bag as well. The clerk says 'No, I don't think you're old enough.'. So the robber whips out his driver's license and shows the clerk, who sees that the man is indeed over 21, and puts the bottle in the bag. As soon as the robber leaves, the clerk calls the police and gives them the robber's address. He is arrested half an hour later.
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Old 03-31-2004, 12:33 PM   #4
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Ah, I see you have been to www.dumbcriminalacts.com

ok another fiction one,

Ageing Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.






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Old 03-31-2004, 12:58 PM   #5
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Heh, well, here ya go:

A woman reported her missing car to the police and mentioned that the car had a phone. The police officer taking the report called the phone. He told the man that answered that he had read the ad in the paper and was interested in buying the car. The two arranged to meet and the thief was promptly arrested.




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Old 03-31-2004, 01:54 PM   #6
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those are great:


Non-Fiction
Dallas...just after the new year.....90+woman was fined 200 dollars for putting her trash out on the wrong day to be picked up. :-\




^ Tutorial on this coming soon!
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Old 03-31-2004, 02:12 PM   #7
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non fiction

once in some city, a guy tried to take the cashier money from the cashiers in McDonalds. So, the only way he would succeed was to act as an employee. So, since a relative of his worked at McDonalds, he borrowed the employee shirt. He walks into the building, and went behind the cashier saying that he was an employee of McDonalds. But, it ends up he was actually in Burger King and some people called the cops or something...


There's a book called something like America's dumbest criminals with a bunch of true (and VERY STUPID) criminals and their quests....

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Old 03-31-2004, 09:00 PM   #8
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Heh, this one's good.


Recently in France, two criminals decided it would be genius to break into a bank from a neighboring building. They decided to drill through the wall so they could reach the banks vault. After hours of exhausting labor, they finally broke through. Upon entering the room, however, they discovered that had miscalculated the location of the vault and were instead standing in the middle of the restroom.




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Old 03-31-2004, 10:13 PM   #9
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Why did the chicken cross the road?



To get to the other side...

I suck at this kind of stuff!


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Old 04-01-2004, 02:15 AM   #10
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Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

















Because they're ugly and they smell bad!!!!



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Old 04-01-2004, 02:26 AM   #11
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The big fat donkey was on the ledge, and he slipped and fell off onto his ass!

..

get it, donkey is an ass, he fell onto his ass..

....

Yeah, I get a kick out of myself too. >_<



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Old 04-01-2004, 02:39 AM   #12
Darth Rythe
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Quote:
Originally posted by ET Warrior
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?


Because they're ugly and they smell bad!!!!
Are you saying you prefer men?

Once there was someone called Rhett, oh hang on... *runs away screeming*





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Old 04-01-2004, 04:01 AM   #13
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A senior man was looking at purchasing a new car. He was given the keys to a brand new mercedes sports car for a little test drive. So he takes it out onto the highway and just feels the acceleration. Faster and faster he goes, all the way up to 80. Then he notices a cop car behind him. Instead of being the senile old man he becomes the young boy and speeds away...reaching 120. But, unfortunately by this time sanity has caught up to the car and he pulls over and lets the cop catch up.

The cop tells him in a stern voice, "Listen, it's Friday afternooon and I'm off in 5 minutes. If you can give me the most original excuse I've heard I will let you off with a warning."

So the old man thinks about it for a while, then this is his reply,

See, years ago my wife ran away with a police officer, and well...I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a nice day sir," replied the cop.




^ Tutorial on this coming soon!
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Old 04-01-2004, 12:41 PM   #14
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An English bank robber planned the perfect heist. Every detail was perfectly orchestrated; the ideal robbery time, the type of gun to use, a place to hide the loot, a getaway route and car, and even a reliable accomplice. After robbing the bank, the man left with the money in a bag over his left shoulder. As he approached the spot of the getaway car, his accomplice promptly ran him over.




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Old 04-01-2004, 09:14 PM   #15
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Non-fiction:

A robber broke into a glue factory and stole several packages of glue to sell on the black market, not ralizing thee wurveillance cameras captured him on film. On his way out, he knocked into a vat of glue and got it all over himself. When police arrived, he was stuck to the floor.

Several of my favorite non-fictions from the dumbest criminals site:

~ A man burst through the doors of a building and yelled, "This is a hold up." Though he had meant to rob the post office next door, the man had burst into his local police station.

~ A New Jersey man hosted a party and long after everyone had left, he smelled what he thought to be bodily gas. Knowing it was not him, he quickly called the police. The officers discovered a man in the closet waiting to commit robbery.

~ A would-be robber carefully entered the bank, the entrance, however would be the only thing he did correctly. He tripped on the step, causing his mask to fall off. His foot got caught under the doormat, causing him to slide across the floor to the counter. Staggering to his feet, the dazed and confused man waved his fake gun and said "This is a stuff-up!"

~ A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

~ A man rushed into a bank brandishing a gun intending to intimidate everyone by screaming, "Up with your f - - - - - - hands, this is a stickup." But in his nervousness, it came out, "Up with you sticky hands, this is a f - - - up". After a short pause, tellers, customers and the bank guard began to giggle and the thief was so rattled that he left the bank without carrying out the robbery. The bank now has a plaque on the wall containing the famous phrase (with suitable blank spaces, no doubt).


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Old 04-01-2004, 09:30 PM   #16
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Non fiction:

The hardass, after a long day of getting rejected by girls, walks into the smelly, dark and dismal swamp. He is greeted by the ruler of the place, a pantless fine sir. They nod at each other, and the hardass casts +10 Thread Closure.

...What? Enough "humor" threads. If you want, PM me and I'll merge it with another one of the many threads around here...
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