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Old 06-28-2004, 01:44 PM   #1
steven
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The Knights of the new republic- The New chosen 1

Not so long ago, in a galaxy far away was..
STARS WARS!
The new chosen 1
It's 40 years from the battle of endor
and the galaxy is under attack by the
new Trade Federation army.
And the galaxies only hope is the new chosen one,
Belegar Devek,son of Carra and Jon Devek.
Liam and Leela devek, liams sister
and Jack Hutchings, son of Rachel Hutchings
Travel must travel to Outter Haven,
the main trade federation base...




chapter 1: ship graveyard


Belegar's ship, the dark falcon flue though ton's of ship reckages. Some where fighter reckages and some were flagship reckages, some where republic ships and some where trade federation ships. Most of the sector was filed of them.
"what is this place?" asked Leela
"This is where the first fight began"rplied Belegar" the republic Navy Vs the Federation.
"who won?"asked jack
"no1. the battle was a trap. for a bomb planted by the federation."answered Belegar
"why destroy there own ships along with the republic?" question Jack
"because they have a huge army. They can make over 1000 ships in 1 hour" said Belegar "thats y we must travell fast."
"yes but getting out of the galaxy and getting into a new one. thats not easy" said Leela.
"yes but if my mother is correct then the portal between Tatoiweens twos should take us to the Droid Galaxy"said Jack.
4 mins l8r
"ok we're leaving this ship graveyard"



chapter 2: The dream
Leela had a dream that night, more like a nightmar. she was standing over her brother's dead body, his neck had been cut and he bleeded to death. But what made her most scared of all that she was holding a knife blood on it. She never cired, he laughed instead and said "the power shall be mine!"
Then she heard a voice, "leela?leela wake up! u might want to see this".
Leela woke up, "whats up"
"look!"said Belegar pointing between the two suns."we made it!
"don't celebrate yet guys! we have 5 ships coming though the portal!" said Jake
"dam it! ok load weapons. i want to attack as soon as they come out of the portal!" ordered Belegar.
5 fighter came out and 1 of the Dark Flacons missiles destoryed an emeny fighter, but the others turned and straight towards the Dark Falcon, fireing lasers.
The Dark falcon 2 more missiles, only taking down 1. leela took to the turret and shot down to rest, but straight b4 the last 1 got destroy it fired a missile witch hit the falcon and damaing it real bad
"crud! we have a few cracks and alot of our oxygen is escaping. we only have 1 hour left b4 it runs out"reported Jake
"dam it! we're gonna have to land on tatoiween." said belegar
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Old 06-29-2004, 10:02 AM   #2
Sabretooth
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Not bad, but work on your spellings.


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Old 07-26-2004, 11:52 AM   #3
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The idea is good, but you need to provide more details. Telling what happens isn't enough. You need to tell the reader how it happens, and you need to show the reader why it happens.

Paint the picture. Describe the appearence of the planets and stars, the ships and characters, describe how the characters move, how they speak, how they feel, what they see.

You probably have the whole picture in your head. But I'm no mind reader.

Oh, and kill the net-spelling.

Anyway that's my .02

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