Need some help proofreading important essay

[BongoBob]

I have to write a 3 page pursuasive paper as part of my schools standard sophmore curriculum, and I need some peeps to proofread my rough draft, or at least give me some advice about it. Here it goes...
EDIT:updated
EDIT2:updated again with what I hope is my final draft

Violent Video Games Do Not Lead To Murder

Violent video games do not drive people to commit murder. They are simple, and in the hands of a normal functioning individual, harmless fun. There is a rating system in place to keep the violent games out of the hands of young kids, but it is up to the parents and the stores that sell the games to enforce it. Playing violent video games does not lead to aggression, it releases it, and it even builds hand eye coordination and reaction time.

Illinois governor Rod Blagovich disagrees. “An Iowa State University study found that kids who are exposed to such violence are more likely to have aggressive thoughts, feeling sand behavior.” Yet according to Douglas Lowenstein, “…what some researchers report as aggressive behavior is really only an increase in aggressive play…with no intent to injure…there is a world of difference between running around and making believe you’re killing aliens…and picking up a real weapon and shooting your friends.”

Dave Grossman, a retired army general and firearms operation trainer who has trained swat teams also believes that violent video games cause violence, saying “They are firearms training devices at best, and murder simulators at worst.” He continues, sighting evidence from the Paducah, Kentucky shooting involving Michal Carneal, who stole a gun and fired 8 shots, killing 8 people. “Michal Carneal had never fired an actual pistol before, but he had fired thousands of bullets in the video game…All of Michal’s actions are unnatural to a trained shooter, and could only be used in a video game…It is not natural to fire one shot at every target…But if you are very, very good at video games, you will only fire one shot at every target, not even waiting for that target to drop before moving on to another target, because you ‘know’(from countless…previous repetitions of the action) that you have hit and you ‘know’ that the target will fall when it is hit with no need to waste time shooting it further.” He even went so far as to state that even for professional marksmen, his performance was amazing.

However, Douglas Lowenstein disagrees, saying “There is not a shred of evidence in the academic literature to support the allegation that a violent videogame leads to aggressive behavior in real life.” Most gamers say they perceive the aggressive content in the video games as fantastic and preposterous, and don’t take it serious. They do not perceive their actions as harming others, since the players do not believe that the characters are real or can feel pain. “Psychologists define violence or aggression as ‘the intentional injury of another person.’ Yet in video games there is neither intentional injury nor a living person.” He also reveals the results of a recent study done at an Australian university, proving they can be helpful. “…the moderately aggressive games substantial decreased feelings of aggression, where as the highly aggressive game resulted in no more of an increase in aggression that the non-aggressive game.”

What about kids and teens? Does the violence have a different effect on them? "The impulse control center of the brain, the part of the brain that enables us to think ahead, consider consequences, mange urges...That's under construction during the teenage years. In fact, the wiring of that is not completed until the early 20's." says CBS Correspondent Ed Bradly. Yet at the same time, he also disagrees that all kids and teens will go out and kill someone. "You know, not every kid that plays a violent video game is gonna turn to violence. And that's because they don't have all those other risk factors going on...It's a combination of risk factors which come together in a tragic outcome."


Tim Buckley, gamer and artist of the web comic Ctrl+Alt+Del disagrees. When asked by CBS.com author William Vitka is there a correlation between playing violent videogames and acting it out in a violent matter states, "…I think that if someone plays a video game and then goes out and harms another human....because of what they saw in a video game, they were screwed up in the head long before they got there hands on a controller." He continues, " I think the kids distinguish pretty clearly between the cartoonish nature of a video game and reality," John Beck, author of a book on video games, told reporters. "I grew up with Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd shooting at each others heads all the time."


With 35 million copies of Grand Theft Auto 3 sold and rising, and only a handful of incidents, could it be that the media really is making this seem like more of an issue than it really is? Tim Buckley believes that the media is partially to blame for the controversy. “I think [the violent acts] may seem like more just because the ones that are get so much publicity, it gives us the impression that it's a constant issue, an epidemic even." Says Tim Buckley.

While there is a rating system in place to keep violent video games out of the hands of minors, does it work? In short, no. If it did, there would not be such a large amount of kids and teens playing them. In the end, it is not the game developers fault, the responsibility of enforcing the rating system lies with the retailers and parents. The retailers need to do a careful ID check, and the parents need to monitor what the kids are playing. If the parents go out and make an uninformed decision and buy Grand Theft Auto for his ten year old, he’s not paying close enough attention to the rating and the content, or even worse, he doesn’t care.

Tim Buckley states "People will find any reason they can get their hands on to shift blame off themselves...There will always be a scapegoat.” Some people say that if this is such an issue, then why have the violent games at all? If it will keep the violence from happening, why not ban the development and distributing of violent video games? “I'm sure that at one point or another a golfer snapped and beat someone to death with a 7-iron. Let's ban golf shall we?”

In the hands of a normal functioning individual, violent video games are harmless fun. There is a rating system in place to keep the violent games out of the hands of young kids, but it is up to the parents and the stores that sell the games to enforce it. Playing violent video games releases aggression and builds hand eye coordination and reaction time. Violent video games are fun and helpful to a normal functioning adult.. Violent video games do not drive people to commit murder.

[jon_hill987]

...and don’t take it serious.

should be seriously.

the part of the brain that enables us to thin agead, consider consequences...

Think ahead?

thats all I found. the rest seems fine.

[Tyrion]

The only thing I can really point out, aside from what Jon said, is that most of your essay-around half- consists of just quotes. If you have time, it might be better to rewrite into more of what you feel about the issue and how to address concerns, than to analyze the quotes of others.

[jon_hill987]

Quotes are important in essay's, it show you have read around the subject rather than just putting your veiws to paper. it is important to make sure they are properly referenced though. normaly done like this

this is my text saying stuff, "this is the quote [1]" more of my text. and at the end of the report you put

[1]who said it and where the quote is from

you do have to make sure you do have your own work in there aswell.

[Tyrion]

Originally posted by jon_hill987
Quotes are important in essay's, it show you have read around the subject rather than just putting your veiws to paper. it is important to make sure they are properly referenced though. normaly done like this

this is my text saying stuff, "this is the quote [1]" more of my text. and at the end of the report you put

[1]who said it and where the quote is from

you do have to make sure you do have your own work in there aswell.

Yeah, I can see why the quotes are important- but they shouldn't be nearly half of the essay.

But then I'm not in highschool, so it's probably not best to take my advice.

[jon_hill987]

Originally posted by Tyrion
Yeah, I can see why the quotes are important- but they shouldn't be nearly half of the essay.

Agreed, maybe a bit more padding and some of your veiws would improve it. but leave the quotes in.

What subject is this essay for anyway? how old are you? just to give me an idea of what you should be doing.

Also, i notice that it is only 2 pages so far.

[ZBomber]

I also had to do a paper earlier this year. We only used 3 -5 quotes in the whole paper, about 2 parenthetical references in a paragraph.

[BongoBob]

Ok, here we go...

First of all, I forgot to run spell check. It has less errors now.
Second, that's how it's supposed to be according to my teacher. Go figure right.
Third, I thought that's what the bibliography was for
Fourth, English(World Literature H.), 15, and that's because it's not double spaced on here. It has to be double spaced when I turn it in, and it's actually 4 pages after that.

If I'm not supposed to put so many quotes in there, then why the flyin fudnuts did we fill out 8 pages of quotes : |

Not meant towards any one, it's just that I'll be pissed if she tells me the same thing.

[jon_hill987]

Fair enough, when I said two pages I was talking IEE standard (which all my reports are writen in) which is not double spaced and pt10. I just pasted your text into my report/essay template.

[Mike Windu]

Man. I can't even begin to talk to you about the essay and quotes and stuff because your school doesn't use MLA format, evidently.

But erm. You generally need parentheticals behind every quote. But that's in MLA...

Your transitions from paragraph to paragraph should flow better, and you start too many sentences with the conjuction "but"

You should never use But to start sentences. use However or something of the like.

[BongoBob]

Ok, I just edited it, and I feel stupid for not noticing the but thing earlier.

I'm gonna edit the first post now.

[Lady Jedi]

You're definately on the right track, but I agree with what some of the others have said: there's a lot of other people's quotes, yet not a lot of your personal views on the subject.

The term 'normal functioning individual' seems off. I mean, what is normal? You may want to rephrase.

You say 'violent video games' a lot. I realize that it is the basis of the essay, but watch out, so that you don't lose points for being repetetive.

You posted the first paragraph at the beginning and end of the essay.

'Affect' and 'effect' have different meanings. Check that you used the correct word here:

What about kids and teens? Does the violence have a different effect on them?

If I remember correctly, you are supposed to precede a quote with a comma in scenarios like this:

Illinois governor Rod Blagovich disagrees. “An Iowa State University study found that...

Check quotation marks here:

Tim Buckley, gamer and artist of the web comic Ctrl+Alt+Del disagrees. When asked by CBS.com author William Vitka is there a correlation between playing violent videogames and acting it out in a violent matter, "I don't believe so, I think that if someone plays a video game and then goes out and harms another human....because of what they saw in a video game, they were screwed up in the head long before they got there hands on a controller." " I think the kids distinguish pretty clearly between the cartoonish nature of a video game and reality," [John Beck] told reporters. "I grew up with Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd shooting at each others heads all the time."

Typo:

...thoughts, feeling sand behavior...

Typo:

...consider consequences, mange urges...

Remember: We can give you all the advice you ask for, but only you can make it yours. Go with what you feel most confident with, and don't change something just because someone says to if you feel like it's already right. I hope you do well.

[BongoBob]

Thanks everyone for the help and advice. I just made what I believe is my final draft. So I am gonna update my first post and use it at school tomarrow.

[jon_hill987]

Good luck with it.