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Old 09-10-2005, 09:31 PM   #121
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When I looked it up on Babynames.com Sasha can be a Girl's or a boy's name. It's actually Russian and means "a nickname for Alexander"
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Old 09-10-2005, 09:32 PM   #122
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Wow... I didn't know that.... and now I know! [GIJoe]And knowing is half the battle... G.. I.. JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!![/GIJoe]


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-10-2005, 09:37 PM   #123
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By the way for some reason...(probably because I just started making fanfics at mediaminer).I havent been able to directly upload my chapters into the actual space for the story so i have to give you the links individually. If anyone can help me with this pls do so I won't have to post a link everytime I make a chapter! Thank you for the comments... Well... for Purple Squid anyway and the POWER!!!!!
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Old 09-10-2005, 09:41 PM   #124
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Eh no prob, just tell me when your done with it. Ma-ti is bitching...
Ma-ti:I want my power back!
Smon:Your power WAS HEART! You didn't even use it! YOU ARE THE LAND EQUIVILANT OF AQUAMAN! Jesus... but uh yeah... you have fun with that fic...
Ma-ti:HEART!
Smon:IT STILL DOESN'T WORK YET! *bitchslap*


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Old 09-10-2005, 11:46 PM   #125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smon
Eh no prob, just tell me when your done with it. Ma-ti is bitching...
Ma-ti:I want my power back!
Smon:Your power WAS HEART! You didn't even use it! YOU ARE THE LAND EQUIVILANT OF AQUAMAN! Jesus... but uh yeah... you have fun with that fic...
Ma-ti:HEART!
Smon:IT STILL DOESN'T WORK YET! *bitchslap*
Agent-Sarah: And we're keeping the monkey!


Raz: Is this where I get another speech and learn a lesson?
Sasha: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.
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Old 09-10-2005, 11:54 PM   #126
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Ma-ti: Darth Vader lend your assistance!
DarthVader:K... 1, 2, 3...
Ma-ti & Darth Vader:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!*splodes*


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-10-2005, 11:59 PM   #127
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Ew...Now I have to clean up the place!


Raz: Is this where I get another speech and learn a lesson?
Sasha: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:10 AM   #128
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Naw, that what Gi is for,

Gi:I signed the deal, thinking it wouldn't occur, "in the event of Ma-ti's simultaneous death with Darth Vader, Gi must clean it up" WATER! *all the parts drain into the sewers*


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:58 AM   #129
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Hello still can't upload the chapters to my story so if anyone has any experience in mediaminer help is truly appreciated!
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Old 09-11-2005, 02:24 AM   #130
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Ask Zetz Darke, he has his fics on MediaMiner... hehe... "dude that glasses guy is her EYELESS ZOMBIE SLAVE!" He would probably know...
Quami:What happened to Ma-Ti?
Smon:YOU GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE WITH THE REST OF EM!
Wheeler:We'll get out!
Smon:Not without your precious monkey... you won't risk anything.
Quami:Grrr...


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 02:42 AM   #131
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Speaking of Sasha and Milla, I've been doing some drawings of them before I came across this message board. I hope you like them.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/21924800/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22124666/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22431638/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22703131/


Raz: Is this where I get another speech and learn a lesson?
Sasha: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.
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Old 09-11-2005, 02:48 AM   #132
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Well, time to review them,
1:Very good, except... he looks like spock.... O.O
2:The second is perfect.
3:I've seen it before,(did a search once) and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished!
4:Good except Milla looks a little... unnatural....


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 03:01 AM   #133
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smon
Well, time to review them,
1:Very good, except... he looks like spock.... O.O
2:The second is perfect.
3:I've seen it before,(did a search once) and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished!
4:Good except Milla looks a little... unnatural....
1. I know. I was trying to do semi-realism.
2. Thanks.
3. I'm glad I made you laugh.
4. I'm still working on her...


Raz: Is this where I get another speech and learn a lesson?
Sasha: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:46 AM   #134
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Oh I see... well then you pulled it off! Congratz!


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:14 PM   #135
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smon
Ask Zetz Darke, he has his fics on MediaMiner... hehe... "dude that glasses guy is her EYELESS ZOMBIE SLAVE!" He would probably know...
Quami:What happened to Ma-Ti?
Smon:YOU GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE WITH THE REST OF EM!
Wheeler:We'll get out!
Smon:Not without your precious monkey... you won't risk anything.
Quami:Grrr...
Not the monkey! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Watchoo be talking bout? You dissin my story? I diss you, sucka!

*smack*

...plus I have NO idea what is going on or what you guys are talknig about.

(Secretly, I'm assuming you liked my story. That's good.)
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:16 PM   #136
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Sasha is a boys name in several countries.

...although my siblings and I already discussed a dress...
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:19 PM   #137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smon
Naw, that what Gi is for,

Gi:I signed the deal, thinking it wouldn't occur, "in the event of Ma-ti's simultaneous death with Darth Vader, Gi must clean it up" WATER! *all the parts drain into the sewers*
Who was that punk from New York? The fire one. I hate him. A lot.
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:29 PM   #138
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I watched this show a lot as a kid, their names were:
Wheeler:Fire
Quami:Earth
Gi:Water
...russian girl?:Wind
Ma-ti:Heart
Gaia
Captain Planet
Darth Vader


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 05:56 PM   #139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple Squid
Sasha is a boys name in several countries.

...although my siblings and I already discussed a dress...


you're going to put sasha in a dress?

actually, that would make a good picture. it's kind of creepy though


"The kraken stirs.
Ten thousand sushi dinner cry for vengeance."

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Old 09-11-2005, 06:13 PM   #140
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i drew a couple of pictures if you haven't seen them already


http://shinzuku.deviantart.com/

this picture is best

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22583762/


"The kraken stirs.
Ten thousand sushi dinner cry for vengeance."

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Old 09-11-2005, 07:43 PM   #141
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The best one is pretty good, but with scans I recommend either coloring them or retracing them with a computer program like Flash or Photoshop.


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:08 PM   #142
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shinzuku
you're going to put sasha in a dress?

actually, that would make a good picture. it's kind of creepy though
NO. I would NEVER put him in a dress.

EVER.

Because I can't find any fabric that matches his skin tone.

(...it would be quite creepy...)
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Old 09-12-2005, 08:20 AM   #143
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I found this excellent picture of sasha and milla, take a look!
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/19459091/
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Old 09-12-2005, 05:08 PM   #144
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I love that picture! So... accurate.
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Old 09-12-2005, 08:08 PM   #145
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Agent-Sarah
Speaking of Sasha and Milla, I've been doing some drawings of them before I came across this message board. I hope you like them.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/21924800/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22124666/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22431638/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22703131/
Haha, I've seen these on deviant art already. There really good, I like them. I'll have to add you to my friends list so I can remember to comment on them and keep up with your work.


All he knew was that you couldn't hope to try for the big stuff, like world peace and happiness, but you might just about be able to achieve some tiny deed that'd make the world, in a small way, a better place.
Like shooting someone.
-Fifth Elephant

My Psychonauts Website: http://thornytowermentalhospital.bravehost.com/
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Old 09-12-2005, 11:29 PM   #146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zetz Darke
Haha, I've seen these on deviant art already. There really good, I like them. I'll have to add you to my friends list so I can remember to comment on them and keep up with your work.
Thanks.


Raz: Is this where I get another speech and learn a lesson?
Sasha: No. Here's your merit badge. Let us never speak of this again.
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Old 09-14-2005, 08:40 AM   #147
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I've uploaded my story at fanart central instead. Tnx to Zetz Darke for his advice! here's the link and chapter 2 is coming soon.(I hope...)

http://www.fanart-central.net/storie...0327&chapter=1
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Old 09-14-2005, 06:08 PM   #148
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipmunkrfuzzy
I've uploaded my story at fanart central instead. Tnx to Zetz Darke for his advice! here's the link and chapter 2 is coming soon.(I hope...)

http://www.fanart-central.net/storie...0327&chapter=1

*Blush* I'm uh...I'm female. Sigh...ah wounded pride. ^^
I'm thinking of switching all of the fics on my website to Fanart Central. The formatting is SO much better. (>.< I think I've given up on Fanfiction.net.)

I'll tell you how much I adore your story as soon as I have time to read it...at the moment I'm quite busy.


All he knew was that you couldn't hope to try for the big stuff, like world peace and happiness, but you might just about be able to achieve some tiny deed that'd make the world, in a small way, a better place.
Like shooting someone.
-Fifth Elephant

My Psychonauts Website: http://thornytowermentalhospital.bravehost.com/
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Old 09-14-2005, 06:25 PM   #149
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Just read it, very good! Though you may want to put more then just a font change when Sasha snaps out of it, I was stuck on that part for a few seconds.


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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Old 09-14-2005, 06:55 PM   #150
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Fanart Central is the Pit of Voles as I call it. This is where most of the crapart and crapfiction reside. Not to say that I haven't met some amazing artists there but jeez, it gets pretty bad.

I like DeviantArt better. Also if you don't like fanfiction I reccomend Oxytocin and thornytowers for Psychonauts fanfiction posting.

On to the reviewing.

Jazz music erupted from the bandstand in a luscious garden of a gothic mansion as a party took place

This is worded a little strangely. I would suggest seperating the mansion and the music. First we start off hearing music at a bandstand...reel back to mansion..to party. This is a little choppy but still a great start.

Prominent government and political figures, even the president went around mingling to the beat of a music.

This is worded strange also. The reader is concentrated on the political figures as you have started the setence off describing them. The second sentence combines two ideas that should be placed in a different sentence as I almost read the second part of that setence to be a description of the policical figures making the next paragraph confusing to me.

Vice-President Raymond Marshall gazed at the crowd in a secluded balcony in the mansion overlooking the garden as he sipped from a wine glass

A little choppy. He gazes at the crowd IN a secluded balcony IN the mansion...AS. This makes for a lot of action to take up in the space of a sentence.

“Soon, all of you won't have the brains to even manage a sentence let alone the entire country! Then I will be next in line to rule! I'll appoint officials sympathetic to me and be top dog!” he thought ruefully then added an evil laugh.


When I started to read this I was confused as to who was talking until I got to the end. I would also suggest sharing about how he was thinking in the paragraph I reviewed aka "terminated" above.

%$#&...to gargle

This doesn't add much and I would suggest to taking the curse word and gargle part out. (A lot of suggestions huh?)


Nearby two people are preparing to enter the party as they added the finishing touches to their attire

This suddenly changes tenses and is confusing. A good start but needs a few touch-ups. Thank you for allowing me to review such a wonderful story that has potential to be one of the better Psychonauts fanfiction. (I believe I have reviewd two stories that I thought had a lot of potential to be the best.) Also, thanks for allowing me to work upon my editing skills. Lastly, remember you don't have to do all of this. They are really just suggestions in the end.
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Old 09-14-2005, 07:02 PM   #151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zetz Darke
*Blush* I'm uh...I'm female. Sigh...ah wounded pride. ^^
I'm thinking of switching all of the fics on my website to Fanart Central. The formatting is SO much better. (>.< I think I've given up on Fanfiction.net.)

I'll tell you how much I adore your story as soon as I have time to read it...at the moment I'm quite busy.
NOOOOO. NOT THERE. NOOOOOO.

Does the format matter? Psych-fiction is fantastic no matter how ugly the format is, foo!

I knew you were a girl, homie. I saw your picta' on your bio. (vurry pretty. Love your eyes.)
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Old 09-14-2005, 09:49 PM   #152
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple Squid
NOOOOO. NOT THERE. NOOOOOO.

Does the format matter? Psych-fiction is fantastic no matter how ugly the format is, foo!

I knew you were a girl, homie. I saw your picta' on your bio. (vurry pretty. Love your eyes.)
Hehe, thanx.

Yea, I know it doesn't matter...it's just sort of annoying having to put all of those spaces in between paragraphs.

(It really is a pity FF.Net is evil and lets sections like Ping Pong, Tetris and Solitaire in but not Psychonauts when I ask for it...and email them several times...sounding more and more irritated each time I do...stupid ff.net.)


All he knew was that you couldn't hope to try for the big stuff, like world peace and happiness, but you might just about be able to achieve some tiny deed that'd make the world, in a small way, a better place.
Like shooting someone.
-Fifth Elephant

My Psychonauts Website: http://thornytowermentalhospital.bravehost.com/
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Old 09-15-2005, 06:53 AM   #153
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Quote:
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Hehe, thanx.

Yea, I know it doesn't matter...it's just sort of annoying having to put all of those spaces in between paragraphs.

(It really is a pity FF.Net is evil and lets sections like Ping Pong, Tetris and Solitaire in but not Psychonauts when I ask for it...and email them several times...sounding more and more irritated each time I do...stupid ff.net.)
Besides, there's too mch stuff there. How do you filter out the crap? You don't, that's what. And it turns into FF.NET. And then it goes around being a total game-ist, and hating psychic people.
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:17 AM   #154
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SORRY ZETS-DARKE! Youre user name sounded like a boy... So Sorry! Anyway its my first fic so I'll try to fix that spacing and the do more than font changes for flashbacks. I really thought the prologue sucked from the start so thanx to Kila for telling me what exactly was wrong with it now i have an excuse to edit it a bit without confusing everyone about the sudden changes! hehe! Though I did like what I did with chapter 1, typing chapter 2 and am still trying to brainstorm for chapter 3... I was thinking of sending them to each others minds for a change(I'm giving out the story! :-p)...But I'm still not quite sure...Tnx for the comments!

Last edited by chipmunkrfuzzy; 09-15-2005 at 07:28 AM.
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:47 AM   #155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipmunkrfuzzy
SORRY ZETS-DARKE! Youre user name sounded like a boy... So Sorry! Anyway its my first fic so I'll try to fix that spacing and the do more than font changes for flashbacks. I really thought the prologue sucked from the start so thanx to Kila for telling me what exactly was wrong with it now i have an excuse to edit it a bit without confusing everyone about the sudden changes! hehe! Though I did like what I did with chapter 1, typing chapter 2 and am still trying to brainstorm for chapter 3... I was thinking of sending them to each others minds for a change(I'm giving out the story! :-p)...But I'm still not quite sure...Tnx for the comments!
Your welcome. It is a really good idea. (I have trouble writing new characters and Sasha and Milla.)

*Here lies the body of something that was once witty*
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Old 09-16-2005, 11:32 AM   #156
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Chapter 2 is done hope you guys like it.
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Old 09-16-2005, 04:54 PM   #157
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Chapter 2 is done hope you guys like it.
Excellent/Fantasmical.
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Old 09-16-2005, 05:45 PM   #158
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Heh. I'm just reviewing Chapter 1.

It's excellent and superb except in a few places. But I seriously was blown away by how in character they were in.

The only issues I have is this.

yada yada... soo predictable…”

This is really hard for me to imagine Milla saying this. The whole dialouge sounds a little bit too percise for here to be saying as I found her dialouge to be a lot more general.

“Correct” interjected Sasha. “Are you ready?” as his cigarette lost its flame and flicked away.

The as his cigarette part needs to be placed in with the interjected Sasha.

as they hopped into a flashy red sports car and drove off to their mission

Milla's dialouge is spot on. However this reads too vauge as it goes from a specific moment of time, her talking, to an extended moment of time, them driving off, in one sentence.

They arrived at the man a few minutes later. The guards at the entrance asked for their identification.


Try to add some senseory words so the readers get a feel of where they are. No that doesn't mean making them taste things, and you don't have to do all five. But it would help to describe a bit by sharing. Basically showing not telling.

You are very good with dialouge and Sasha is again greatly expressed. However your transition lines need a bit of work.

The guards checked then checked their I.D.
This is worded strangely and rips the reader away.

as the guards flagged the car towards the entrance.

Take away the as and it will be fine. Or they speculated as... Something along those lines.

He thought of the pitiful lives they're in.
Why would he suddenly think of the pitiful lives he is in? Also the sentence makes it seem as if he is two people. It's not that it isn't a good idea. It just needs to flow better.

Sasha walked into Psychonauts headquarters for the first time. He marched up to its lobby. He tried his best to conceal his excitement amid the hustle and bustle. He then saw a burly looking man holding a bunch of papers

He walked up the stairs. He saw a man. He waved hi. These sentences are a little too short and choppy making the flow strange once again.

When Sasha opened his mouth to say something Milla was for once actually hoping he would say something meaningful but what came out was

“There, we should be able to get inside the mansion and find the vice-president before he does any real damage.” He pointed into a set of double doors.

Milla nodded remorsefully as they walked away from the crowd, turned themselves invisible then slowly opened the doors and crept up inside.


Best segment ever.
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Old 09-16-2005, 09:40 PM   #159
chipmunkrfuzzy
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Oh, it was meant to be like that I always wanted to have a suddden change of pace when writing, keeps people from being bored by reading overly long details! Hope you don't take it against me! The guard thing was just a typographical error. Tnx for noticing.

Last edited by chipmunkrfuzzy; 09-16-2005 at 09:51 PM.
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Old 09-16-2005, 09:48 PM   #160
Klia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipmunkrfuzzy
Oh, it was meant to be like that I always wanted to have a suddden change of pace when writing, keeps people from being bored by reading overly long details! Hope you don't take it against me! The guard thing was typographical error. Tnx for noticing
I don't take anything against you. This is your story I just am saying my opinion. A lot of people think different things.

I like editing. It keeps my brain resourceful.
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