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View Poll Results: have I been honest and not overly critical?
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Old 07-30-2006, 09:12 PM   #361
Renegade Puma
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Thanks for the review Mach. It's not done yet, but I have worked hard on it. So I am glad you at least said it was "well done." I know that my storyline is very off the wall and doesn't really hold up in the real SW universe. But that is why I wrote it, something different, yet Star wars


Some other really awesome Fanfics: Hidden shades of grey By JasraLantill, The Adventures of Jolee Bindo By Jae Onasi[/size]
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Old 07-30-2006, 09:20 PM   #362
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Thanks for the review Mach. It's not done yet, but I have worked hard on it. So I am glad you at least said it was "well done." I know that my storyline is very off the wall and doesn't really hold up in the real SW universe. But that is why I wrote it, something different, yet Star wars

Sometimes you have to push the envelope just the see if it is really there.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 08-01-2006, 06:27 PM   #363
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Review: Star Wars: The Beginning and Star Wars: Republic Dawn
What can I say about machievelli’s Star Wars: The Beginning and its sequel, Star Wars: Republic Dawn? A lot. I enjoyed both stories thoroughly. If you want to read something that can be fun, exciting, full of intrigue, bittersweet, and humorous at various times, then these should fit the bill. The two stories are best read in sequence, but they can stand alone quite well. You don’t need to read the first to understand the sequel, a problem that plagues some series.
SW: The Beginning covers the both the beginning of hyperspace travel and the Jedi Order. It is a time when traveling to the far reaches of the galaxy is new, the lightsaber doesn’t exist, and even the name ‘Jedi’ has to be created. Along the way we’re taken on missions to rescue a kidnapped master weapon smith and stop an unethical company from turning Ithor into a resort cash-cow. All of it is done with the action we expect to see in any Star Wars story.
There were a couple of things that might improve the story. Mach, you mention grammar, spelling, and editing frequently. I know you said it was a rough draft, but I’m going to mention it to you just the same. The issue of comma usage made it harder to read in some places. The encyclopedia entries were a little long and distracted a bit from the overall flow of the story. Perhaps these could be shortened down a bit into a few paragraphs at the beginning of a relevant chapter, rather than making them chapters all by themselves.
That being said, the problems are easily fixed, and they don’t distract much from the overall story. I particularly enjoyed the antics of Breia’s two Mandalorian charges, Anak and Sev. The attention they give to the ship Requiem had me holding my sides laughing.
Star Wars: Republic Dawn is just as entertaining. It has as much adventure as the first story. We get to see what may be the first truly dark Jedi and follow the formation of the Republic. There is plenty of intrigue and missions to gather information to save the galaxy from a madman and a group of thoroughly corrupt government officials and Navy officers.
This story took decidedly bittersweet turns, and there is a lot more death. War may be very harsh, and while I understood the losses intellectually, I found I had come to care for the characters a great deal, and their deaths were harder to take than I expected.
I can only complain about some of the grammar a tiny bit. The greater problem was near the end with the final battle scene. The action was terrific, but I had trouble sorting out which ship was where and who was doing what simply because there were so many names thrown at me at one time. It took a re-read to sort it all out.
Again, the problems were minor compared to all the terrific things. The plot twist with Landru was an interesting surprise. The A4 droid telling Breia Solo “I am not a toaster” had me chuckling even several chapters later. The ongoing practical jokes between Breia Solo and Sienna and their ‘Bad Cop/Bad Cop’ routines were priceless. The final battle is exciting and the action is well written.
I told machievelli there are not too many stories that I’ll stay up until past 1am reading. This was one of those few.


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Old 08-01-2006, 06:34 PM   #364
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Go Jae. Go Jae. Nice Reviews. Something nice for Mach to read.
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Old 08-01-2006, 07:49 PM   #365
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Go Jae. Go Jae. Nice Reviews. Something nice for Mach to read.
Well, I figured the probability was low that mach would review his own stuff, and the stories were just too good not to bring to everyone's attention.


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Old 08-02-2006, 10:28 AM   #366
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Well, I figured the probability was low that mach would review his own stuff, and the stories were just too good not to bring to everyone's attention.
Actually in the third week I think I came to one of mine (Why We Die) and said then that I would not be proper For me to review it. I asked someone else to do it. Thank you.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-04-2006, 11:32 AM   #367
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Echo 13 vs The Element of the Force

steven

In a parallel universe, a New Republic Marine team meets a different menace.

All right, first things first. You have problems will spelling and editing. You also have to learn to reread your work. There are words used that don’t fit, and something as simple as ‘an’ used when the following word is not a vowel. Nothing that can’t be fixed easily.

On the technical side; You have glossed over the one part I would have wanted to know. destroying the Death Star II would not have caused the Empire to collapse so readily. It was the death of the Emperor that caused the collapse.

The fleet that faced the Republic at Endor would have been only a tithe of available forces and even losing two fleet the same size (Endor then Manaan in you example) would not have crippled them.

STAR WARS The Sith Order
Conner

After murdering his father Ben Skywalker now hunts the remaining Jedi.

First you’re pushing the story too fast and too hard. In the prologue this makes sense, you have to give the reader a place to put their feet before the running begins. But then you jump from place to place as fast as your mind can go, and try to drag the reader with you.

You forget conversation breaks, and paragraphs, and the story needs serious editing for pace and content.

A minor aside. If the people that lived there are all dead, then it doesn’t matter what their name for the planet was, true. But it should have been mentioned earlier, not as an aside. The line would have read better as ‘The planet was called Skylrec now. Once it had been home to a few thousand settlers. What they might have called it before the arrival of the Sith was incidental. The dead don’t care.’

Star Wars: The Last Gray Jedi
FIAmMa

Prologue Set 9 months before The Phantom Menace; Then jumps to a few weeks before A New Hope.

The writing style is hurried, and like a lot of others, you are trying to make a movie, and hurrying the reader along. Slow down, pace yourself.

Kid, you should have left it at years, and made it just under 11 if the ‘woman’ was supposed to be Anakin’s mother. I don’t know if the force could speed up that process, but it is possible. However to have a boy grow from birth to 9 in that many months would have been noticed not only by the Jedi but by the people around him as well. The Jedi would have detected it easily because a new born has few memories, and none of them would have been correct for a child of that age.

If the baby in question is NOT Anakin, then it’s all right.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Paths of Life
Sniper Gelgok


Set near the end of KOTOR I. Devastated by Bastila's capture, Revan has to be pushed into continuing his quest.

Spelling and editing is what the piece needs more than anything else. Slow down, go back and reread, then edit. If you ever get an answer to your question (How to indent on a web page) let me know.

The angst and diving into a bottle is perfect. Keep it up.

Star Wars - Dark Counsels

IAmExarKun

Set in the interim between Darth Bane and Phantom Menace

The piece needs some editing, but the style is clean, clear, and draws you in very readily. The interchanges between the ship’s crew is choice, and suggests a long familiarity. The lines that struck me were;
-"You know, you don't usually pay so much attention to everything I say!"
There was the sound of a restrained chuckle. "No, only if I can use it against you..."

It is worth a good look by someone with the time to read it all. Alas, as we all know, that cannot be me.

Anakin Trusted?
Obi Ben Kenobi

What if the Council had trusted Anakin and let him aid it defeating Darth Sidious?

Well written with only editing and rereading to do (It’s obedient or subservient, not obeying in chapter 2)

The writer considered a lot of things others have not. Accessing the files to discover what was happening, saying ‘He gives order 66. Does that mean he had 65 more?’.

Another of those authors I wish i had time to read to the full.


kotorfanmedia

Of Loss and Leaders
Glass_Mermaid

Interim just after KOTOR I: With Revan gone to save the universe, All Carth has is the memories of their epic journey and his own heart break.

Fifteen people read and commented on this. Most of them said everything I would want to say. The work is excellent only needing rereading (You accidentally used the word glass when you meant gloss) to be exquisite. The memories of a lost love, and all that lead up to that loss are expressed in poignant detail, and heartbreaking clarity.

Well done.

The Critic's 2 cents

Hope’s End-Of Vao and Zaalbar

Hope’s End-Of Carth Onasi
JMSlayer

With them literally back to back I almost reviewed JMSlayer’s works separately.

But then I read them. Both deal with the loss of Revan to an assassin, and how it would have affected two of the primary characters.

Hope’s End-Of Vao and Zaalbar

With Revan Dead, Mission become what she hates the most.

A poignant and bothersome piece. As much as I hated the story line, I have to applaud not only the guts it took to write it, but the way it was handled.

Hope’s End-Of Carth Onasi

After watching Revan’s Death at the hands of an assassin, Carth spirals down into drink.

Another piece that bothered me. But damn it was good!

Life Waves

OnasiMagic

In dreams Revan remembers everything Carth ever said to her, and comments on his words, and life.

Well done. Everyone listens to people talking, but when we do almost all of us make our own little internal often satirical dialogue to go with it. While she loves the man, I got a sense that he never really understood, and she didn’t have the heart to tell him.

The ending confused me for only one reason.
There was no explanation of what had happened to Carth. Ah but there are more chapters for you dear reader to discover that in.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-11-2006, 03:22 PM   #368
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sorry for the delay, the stone knives and bearskins thing I call a computer didn't want to let me get to the internet this morning, and when it did it decided that this forum didn't exist. So for being three hours late, I am sorry.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Darth Nihilus - The Voids of Hunger
PrometheusX 303

The thought of a disembodied Sith Lord on his return and the destruction of everything he faces.

The story had editing problems, and needs to be reread and rewritten. I got the feeling that it was stream of consciousness, but at the same time, you were trying to direct it.

Directing stream of consciousness when your writing is to have a better idea of where you intended to go. Like the reins on a horse as you ride. You can see where the path is, where you wish the animal to go, but you have to pull, giving it the signal sooner. If you will notice in the 20-30 page lumps of the stories I have been posting(All done in one day mind), I have an idea of my destination, so as the animal reaches the right point, I give it a knee or pull to redirect it, and when it comes to the right place, it floats around the corner.

But the premise is intriguing. Let me know when you take it the next step.

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=166518KotOR III: Attack of the Obsidian
Korfredonn the Ecclesiastes

Right After KOTORII. The enemy of Revan and the Exile prepares to strike.

You tend to go from forgetting what a paragraph is, to nicely done ones. Perhaps it was because you had a conversation that was not a memory in the first chapter. Most schools teach a paragraph should only be five sentences, but I feel there are time more are needs. You scrunched everything into a tight lump as if you were afraid to let us stop. Again, that is the mark of someone that has not used to doing this.

This is not a contest where the winner gets to the last page first. You are trying to hold our interest. and at the same time, tell us a story that you feel needs to be told.

Slow down, remember what a paragraph is, now write it again so it is clearly flowing. Beyond that it is a good piece.

The Assassin's Sacrafice
jedi-exile

After The Attack of the Clones: A soldier pulled from battle is sent back to Kamino to be trained as an assassin

Spelling, kid, spelling. You started in the title, and kept misspelling words from that point on. The other problem was that your scenes were jumpy, and confusing. It made sense during the battle scene in the first posting, because you are trying to see it all from one point of view, and it would be confused and jumpy. But it continued, so it is a matter of style.

Keep it up, and I hope to see more from you.

The Jedi Archives

Back on July 21st, an idea Jae and I had discussed was born, the Archives where completed stories are placed for you to read in their entirety without extraneous commentary.

The problem is I totally zoned on the idea that a lot of these are stories I had not Yet read or reviewed. This was pointed out to me by the one I review today. Jabba da Butt is not the first story, nor the last.

He is just the first one to ask, and pointed out that it was here instead of in the CEC. These will be reviewed if A: They have not been previously reviewed and B: Only one per week.

Never Trust a Hutt: Travels of Kavar Part 1
Jabba da Butt

Set during the time of KOTOR though no specific period pre or post given: While hunting a Sith a Jedi finds himself the target of assassins sent by a nervous Hutt.

The style is a little choppy, but it is because you are trying to speed the story on. Like a lot of others I have reviewed, you trying to write a movie in words, and the two forms don‘t go together smoothly. More a matter of polishing than anything else.

Good work.
Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The first Apprentice
Jedi Abba

Set during Yoda’s lifetime, no specific period given: A Padawan Teacher chooses her first Padawan.

The style is a bit hesitant, but the advantage of using a character you have created from a role playing game, you think of that person as you, and they maneuver more fluidly than other people’s constructs around them.

The focus of the teacher’s intent to find that one student for her to teach, the pursuit of him is the entire reason for the story, and makes it even more poignant. Like the fight masters of old, Bela Caroli’s of Gymnastics, it is a search for that one person to bring out your own art in another.


*Title coming soon*
Marko Ragnos

A retelling of the beginning of KOTOR: told from the point of view of another character not in the game.

Marko is a Swede, and makes much of the lack of English. That is true. But the story is relatively well done. The biggest problem is spelling and grammar (Easily corrected, it’s just a matter of learning it)

The biggest problem I had with it was that there was little or no character development. The main character was as much a shadow on the wall, as he was with his stealth belt.


Hate-Dawn of a new Sith
Zane Marit

What goes through the mind of a Sith Apprentice when he has won against his master?
Zane tried for and succeeded in creating a vignette of life, a mere glimpse into the mind of a Sith Apprentice. Well written.

kotorfanmedia

Waiting for Her
fanficfan

After KOTOR 1: In an alternate reality: Carth waits for his true love to return.

The style is poignant as Carth watches his children, and hopes that Revan, his wife will return. I can’t say anything good about this that 12 reviews on the site and 19 thumbs up haven’t already said.

Paradox
gabrielle

Very short, very sad, and very disturbing. The piece echoes my own denouement of Revan discovering her true past but does it in a way that focuses the mind on the nightmare of such a revelation.

Mother & Father
Lotus Rose

After the Star Forge, Revan goes to tell her parents what has happened; with a twist.

The great part about this story is the ending surprised me. It started out as if someone was dictating a letter. It is too short for me to tell you what happened, but if you have a few minutes, it is worth every second.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-12-2006, 09:36 AM   #369
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Thanks for the review. Part two is currently being worked on and I'm trying to make it a lot more descriptive and slow story. I hope you find this next part less rushed.

Edit:Oh, and my Fic takes place 10 years before Kotor.


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My Fan Fics
Travels of Kavar:
Never Trust a Hutt
Darkness Over Coruscant

Last edited by Jabba da Butt; 08-12-2006 at 12:22 PM.
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Old 08-13-2006, 12:50 PM   #370
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Thanks for the review. actually i am busy now so i might not be able to finish it. its a quite long story i have in my mind. keep your eye on it and tell me what i need to improve. again thanks.
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Old 08-18-2006, 12:24 PM   #371
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Two Years, Two Masters
forcefightwithme

Set after KOTOR II, The exile now searches for Revan with a stop along the way in just the wrong place...

forcefightwithme does good work and I will have to find something to complain about (Grumble)

STAR WARS The Jedi Order
connor

Set after Jedi Academy II. New students flock to the Academy, and face the latest mark in General Grievous.

All right, first, someone had said it read like a script, and they are right. A story isn’t limited as a movie or TV show is to an exact period of time. You don’t need to drag us along. If the story is good, we’ll follow it like Hansel and Gretel with the breadcrumbs. Second conversation breaks. It gets confusing when you try to follow a conversation and it runs together. The story is rushed. If you are going to change scenes, either give the reader a clue, or make it more gentle.

Other than that it’s starting interesting.

The Galactic Scream
Sith at Peace

500 years after KOTOR, A young Padawan learns hard lessons that may drag him to darkness.

Internal monologues are good, character interaction is excellent, though why a master would berate him as he did made little sense. The Doctor has pointed out the major problem you have with the story as far as I could go, but that is an editing problem. Edit and rewrite, kid.

The Jedi Archives

Betrayal and Retribution: Potential Energy
Stingerhs

Set during SW III and the aftermath. The circumstances that brought together the parents of a Jedi knight.

The original thread filled in and edited. Yummy!

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Kharan Liberation Army: Book 1, Beginnings
Ragoris Sirava

Directly after the end of Revenge of the Sith: A leader decides the war isn’t over yet.

Only one chapter, but already I like it. In every war there are those that are unwilling to surrender. When you honestly believe in your cause, no suffering will stay you. Considering that the hero will be facing the Empire, he has a harder row to hoe, but I’ll tell you. If I were a betting man, the Empire would get long odds.

Brothers In Arms


JediMasterJamz

Time not set, though enough has passed for the New Republic to collapse, be replaced by another Empire, and is now in the fifth year of another Republic;

Good if generic work. The chapters could be longer.

Untitled post- Dark Nest story
Master Kinnon

Set during the Dark Nest Trilogy.

The story works well. Characterization could use some work, but it is minor tweaking not major redesign.

kotorfanmedia

Lessons
Revans Pet Duck

During KOTOR: Delving into her memories, Revan rediscovers a dark secret of her past.

The wording could use some work, but all in all an excellent piece.

Revan’s Shadow: Prologue
trehern

After the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan considers what is to come.

An excellent piece. The decision ‘there is no passion without love’ leans away from the Jedi hardline, but I agree with it.

Taking the Chance
lilianjoy

After KOTOR I: Carth take the chance that Revan loves him.

An little vignette that fits so smoothly with the story line. Well done, well portrayed, like a good beer, a crisp and clean finish.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 08-18-2006 at 12:37 PM. Reason: typos from hell...
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Old 08-18-2006, 05:30 PM   #372
Diego Varen
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Hey Mach, I don't mean to sound rude, but could you review three Fics in the Jedi Archives? I mean there aren't many Fics there (At the moment) and perhaps you could review more, so you could review the other areas. Anyway, I'm looking foward to more reviews.
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Old 08-18-2006, 05:49 PM   #373
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Think about the other things he reviews, Pottsie. Just be glad he's reviewing one fic from the archives. We really don't have the right to demand (or request, whichever way you want to put it) he review more.
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Old 08-18-2006, 05:55 PM   #374
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Doctor
Think about the other things he reviews, Pottsie. Just be glad he's reviewing one fic from the archives. We really don't have the right to demand (or request, whichever way you want to put it) he review more.
I suppose yeah. At least I'm not ungrateful, like those who said "Go Away" in the Poll. I appreciate the work you do Mach. Thanks.
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Old 08-18-2006, 06:13 PM   #375
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Hey, mach, I was thinking about this for awhile now and I've finally got around to asking you - if you have the time please review my two fics, you can follow the links in my sig to the Jedi Archives versions, or if you want I will email them to you. Thanks.

Check out the Why haven't you reviewed me thread, too. Mach's got instructions there. Hope that helps--Jae


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Old 08-25-2006, 12:20 PM   #376
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Star Wars: The Beginning of the Galactic Empire
Revanscool

Alternate Universe. Set at the end of Star Wars Video Game; What if Anakin had become emperor?

The style is haphazard, jumping from place to place, and needs serious editing, and rewriting. The author had an idea, but instead of running with it, seems to have dashed it off, and held it up.

The first rule of fiction writing is you must entertain. Slow it down. Like a judo throw, our words are to help the reader go where you want him to go using his own imagination.

The Life of Onri Konohomaru/Lord Konohomaru
Lord Konohomaru

Based on an RPG character: A Jedi trains and falls, all before he is 21.

The story needs editing and rewriting to smooth it out.

I used to work at the renaissance faire, and the first thing I learned about characterization was KISS. Keep It Simple Silly. Your character has absolutely no development on the emotional or personal level. In ten years he goes from baby to Jedi and in ten more to master.

I am sure a being could be born with such capabilities, but to walk on that day does not make sense. A child’s needs before about three days old are not that focused. The idea of the superhuman child is an old one, and everyone who has done it ignores the fact that merely the frustration of not being fed on time, or a dirty diaper would pile bodies up before he is a year old.

Go back, and bring the character to life.

The Redemption of Dustil Onasi
pottsie

Set after KOTOR I: Two knights get their own forms of redemption.

The style needs only polishing. The author should just remember, slow and steady.

The piece is a logical follow on to the KOTOR story and even the arguments are pro forma. Everyone has commented on master Vrook, usually negatively. It wasn’t until I got to Dantooine in TSL that I realized he’s just a cantankerous old fart. Pottsie’s take on him was pure and fun to read.

The Jedi Archives



The Sith Lord
pottsie

Set at the end of Jedi Academy: The further adventures of Jaden Korr, now Sith.

Pottsie wove the history of 4,000 years together, and did it well. The style needs some work, and editing is always a problem with any writer, but it’s worth the read.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Just a few ideas I had...
Darth Clorox

20 ASW4Seven years before the battle between the Yuuzhan Vong and the Republic at Helska IV: Two Jedi are marooned on a planet.

More a synopsis than a story. It dragged a bit, but it gives you the idea of how and where the story would go.

Imperial Vendetta
Braden Dar

between ESB and ROTJ told from an Imperial point of view.

The story needs editing, especially watching for homonyms. Told in a series of vignettes from different officer’s points of view. A refreshingly good read.

Whispers
Master Kinnon

Three years after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war: A Jedi and his apprentice pursue a criminal gang.

The style is abrupt and has little or no characterization. Go back, slow down, rewrite it and ask yourself, ’is it what I’d want to buy’?

By mentally dropping Obi Wan into the lead role, it flows, but the back story on Tobin is so sparse, I had to do something like that to get the story moving.


kotorfanmedia

Memento
mcfinnegan

In the aftermath of KOTOR, Revan cries for an old friend.

Like a lot of the work on KFM, this is part of what people forget when the write a book. To quote Asimov ‘the enemy is not a villain in his own eyes’ and those people, Vader, Sidious, Malak, might once have been friends. Someone should mourn for the fallen.

Reflection
RevanandCarth

After KOTOR I: A man looks at how his life has changed for the better.

A lot of people see Carth and Saul as Ahab and the whale. But unlike Ahab, who I believe would have been a shattered man after the fact, Carth came out of it, and we all know why if your Revan is female. Good work

Shadows of Heroines and Heroes,
Lady Revan and Jamie

Set after KOTOR: The children of Carth and Revan, Bastila and Canderous, go on their own adventures.

There was a lot of flak fired off in the first chapter, and I can understand why. The Disciple (Mical) suddenly becomes a child molester.

I will not carry that forward except to mention that every child molester I have ever met has that smarmy ‘hail good fellow’ attitude that the Disciple shows. This is not to say that he is one. If you played TSL and used Mira on the excursion when you met him, she reacted like a diabetic going into a sugar coma. He was just too ‘Jedi’ for her.

Besides, without getting sex involved, he is already an irritating character and I actually got the mods to have Handmaiden as a character. When I found out it was either or, I cheered.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 08-25-2006 at 12:22 PM. Reason: typos from hell...
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Old 08-26-2006, 06:49 AM   #377
Diego Varen
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Thanks for the two Reviews mach, although I think I deleted The Redemption of Dustil Onasi. I think those are my best Reviews so far. Thanks again.
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Old 09-01-2006, 12:48 PM   #378
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KOTOR: the Mandalorian Wars
Master Vassar

Prequels 6 years before KOTOR: A master and his student join the Republic in fighting the Mandalorians.

All right, on the writing side, conversation breaks. Like a lot of the kids here, you’re trying to compress the battles into a movie format and it is coming over far too choppy. Go back, reread it, then write it so that is more smooth.

On the military style, The most horrific warriors ever fought were the Mongols, and they didn’t go into towns and have mass executions unless the enemy resisted them for too long. Taris from all accounts had minimal defenses, and blasting their way in and having mass executions would be unnecessary. Once an enemy controls the high orbitals, the orbits where they can hit anywhere they damn well please with impunity, any organized ground operations are dead.

Second, you have A: The Jedi entering the war four years too early, and B: One hell of a target of opportunity in orbit with Leviathan. The enemy fleet is not going to stooge around while a cruiser sits in orbit. At the start of the war, every ship is precious and everyone you kill now is something the enemy must replace. It would be like the Japanese in the Philippines ignoring the USS Lexington which steams into harbor to pick up MacArthur.


Davik Kang : Rise to Power
T.Nova

30+ years before KOTOR: A young man takes his first steps toward becoming a mob boss.

The way the scene begins as the author implied, suggests the young Vito Corleone of the Godfather. He doesn’t set out to be the bad guy, he gets into it to get out of grinding poverty. The style is a bit hesitant, but that is something time and avid readers will cure. The gritty life of the Undercity is portrayed only in passing, but is still there for those who have played the game to feel. Very well done all told.

Black Star: North Star Home
Shadda

Set during the Clone wars: A thousand Jedi are sent to rescue a planetary population.

I had to stop before I had finished the second chapter because on the technical side, you need to work on it. The writing is good, and just needs some fine tuning.

But think about this: If the people living on the planet have been there more than a decade or so, you’re looking at over 10,000 people. That will double after every two decades so after a century there would be almost a million there.

Yet your Republic command sends one ship. I know it is a Star Destroyer, but even that ship is not going to have enough lift to take out more than 10 to 12 thousand people. If putting a thousand people aboard makes it crowded (Your own inference) what is another ten to a dozen thousand going to do? When the US evacuated the Embassy personnel from Saigon in 1975 they sent two carriers (One a Marine Helicopter carrier) and full escorts, and still had to throw aircraft over the side to make room.

Plus in the middle of a full scale war, with only approximately 10,000 Jedi to cover the entire Republic of 100,000 planets, you are expending ten percent of them on this one mission. The numbers do not make sense.

The Jedi Archives


Star Wars: Defiance
Ztalker

Set in the interim between a New Hope and the Empire Strikes back, Luke Skywalker asks an intelligence agent to go on a very personal mission.

The style needs work since you tend to jump from present to past tense as you do it. (Uses instead of used, that kind of thing). But nothing a good edit won’t cure.

The story is one that would have been told eventually, so it is timely and works well.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
A Galaxy Forgotten...
Jedi Poo

A Jedi hunted by the Empire finds herself and her crew on Earth.

The writing is a bit stilted, but only need polish to shine.

However the scroll on Star Wars always begins A long time ago in a Galaxy far far away...

1: What time period did they land here? Are they going to be greeted by cave men Ashiburnipal or George W Bush? 2: Worm hole theory postulates jumping from place to place and even time to time, but the nearest galaxy is 2 million light years away. No wormhole theory so far put forward suggests intergalactic travel.


The long road back
Zane Marit

Sequel to A Destiny Changed

Set during the beginning of the Imperial period: A crime scene seen through the eyes of the Detective investigating, and the Jedi that has caused it.

The scene is well done at the start, and Zane’s work is worth every second. Having the old cop trying to figure out what is happening is perfect.

Raqak's Requeim
Shistavanen Jedi

Set during the beginning of the Imperial period: Vader hunts one of the remaining Jedi and a Senator that has fled.

The style needs work mainly because the author is in love with run on sentences. Run ons are when you want to say a lot, but don’t want to stop. They are a pain for the reader because you end up with more than one subject in the sentence, and it is confusing. Slow down, break those sentences into a more flowing format.

The subject matter is obvious, but well done. The old man still trying to bring Vader back to the light is a perfect Jedi to the end.

kotorfanmedia

Kat’s Kotor retell Part One aka somedays you should just stay in bed
Kattalez

Retelling of the KOTOR story by another author:

The style is crisp and clean, and the idea of her starting as an amnesiac is good because few people go there. Trask is not a two dimensional target traipsing along with her, and her own irritation with his solicitousness give her depth.
Well worth the read.

Laughter from the Sky
JediDWH

After the battle of the Star Forge: The crew of Ebon Hawk have a fireside party.

The style is good, and making a song for Mandalore that harkens back to Gilbert and Sullivan worked. Every character fir in well, and even having Carth and Canderous unwilling to get into the fun fits well. Worth a look as all JediDWH’s work has been so far.

May the Farce Be with You Too
Jiara

The landing on the Rakata Homeworld, but not exactly what you would expect...

I am never surprised by Jiara’s work but she did it this time. This is a farce from beginning. From the arrival of Mr. Rourke from Fantasy Island to the wreck of the SS Minnow, I was sitting there stunned, trying to figure out what she had been smoking when the ending arrived.
Jiara’s work is always worth a read. Even when it confuses you.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-08-2006, 12:41 PM   #379
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Clone Trooper Jedi
Lord Konohomaru

Set during Star Wars Battlefronts: A young clone trooper is trained in the force.

I think everything necessary for constructive criticism has been said by others, but I will add this note: You are still rushing the story kid. If you were writing a script I would say the same, even though your style fits that format much better. The original fight scene, where he’s operating like a trooper rather than a Jedi would have taken two pages in script format, yet you still compressed it to less than one. You’re trying to keep up with the story in your head, and we have trouble keeping up.

I was confused, as others were, with what is actually occurring. A normal genetic boy operating with the clone troopers (Which by definition, would have made him unacceptable because he could not have their skill levels) who is also a Jedi but in hiding? From there, I must admit, I became even more confused.

Slow down.

The Second Crusade
RagingHippy212

Set in the Interim between KOTOR and TSL: The team once led by Revan is caught between the Sith and a Vengeful Crime Lord.

All right, constructive criticism time. The pacing is excellent, there are problems with spelling and using the wrong words, but that is an editing problem.

However you have taken a character that refuses to kill except when necessary (Mira by my estimate at about 16) and have her reacting as she would after meeting the Exile, which won’t happen for about five years. That is also minor. However a criminal organization is not organized like a military one. Having a warship might fly, but a full ground/air component does not. Even the Russian Mafiya does not run full scale combat units. If the ‘mob’ tried to attack a military unit, it would be slaughtered, and if they had such units, the governments would know it.

However I love the way it is going even with those comments...

Knights of the Old Republic: Into the Darkness
The Doctor

After killing Malak, Darth Revan now turns his attentions to the Republic again...

Well written. The scenes play out well, and fit what I would have assumed would have happened. My only problem, Doc, is with homonyms;

It is hole in the head, not whole.


The Jedi Archives



Darkness Rising

Pottsie

Set after TSL: The Exile and company find themselves on yet another mission.

A very well done piece, Pottsie. I don’t have time to read it all, but like some work here, I wish I did.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

REDEMPTION
Shistavanen Jedi

Set during Return of the Jedi. An assault team rescues a prisoner.

The style is good, the story well rounded, though there are editing problems. Worth a look.

Confrontation With A Jedi
Shistavanen Jedi

Set one year after Return of the Sith: The aftermath of the Jedi murders seen through the bad guy’s eyes.

Well done. The story is first person and flows smoothly.

The author made a valid point by writing the entire piece from the view of what all of us would call the bad guys. Most of us do not try to cross over and take the opposite view, and as an exercise, it is well done and sometimes necessary. As I quoted Isaac Asimov previously in another posting, the enemy is not a villain in
his own eyes.

Earthling Jedi
JediMasterJamz

A young boy on Earth gets a chance to be a Jedi

Very well done, told in the abrupt style you would expect from a 16 or seventeen year old kid as the main character is.

The only problem with this is that the beginning of every SW book starts with; A long time ago in a Galaxy far far away... Unlike a lot of Sci Fi, Star Wars is set in one galaxy, and according to canon, it is not this one. A minor stumbling block for me...



kotorfanmedia

Keeping Promises
Belladonna

Set prior to the return of the Exile to Malachor; Revan where ever she may be hears Carth’s gentle plea.

The scene is perfect, and you can feel the angst Revan and the Exile have, along with Carth’s loneliness. Very well done!

Falling away
Lady Revan

After KOTOR: Revan makes a decision, and gives life to another.

A poignant story, and one that struck deep into how we all feel about a light side female Revan. Worth more than a second look, even if it is short.

Warrior’s Heart
CanderousOrdo LVR

Set on Kashyyyk during KOTOR: Revan has a vision, then must return with Canderous to deal with Jagi.

The story moves quickly, and while I was a bit confused by the vision, it pulled me along. I assume it links to the part of her life that leads to her leaving before the Exile returns. The style is brisk, but clear, and the characters are fleshed out by the words.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-08-2006, 01:04 PM   #380
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Thanks for the Review Mach. My best Review yet!
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Old 09-15-2006, 03:31 AM   #381
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Red Skies

smsummers

Prequel to KOTOR: Glimpses of the beginning of the Jedi Civil War

The biggest problems are that you are trying to rush the story, compressing what should be several chapters into your first post. Spelling, and grammar needs work, and the scenes do not flow.

On the technical side, ‘interceptor’ and ‘capital’ ship are types, not classes. Smaller ship, specifically fighter aircraft were called interceptors, (a P (For Pursuit) 51 is an interceptor for example) anything from heavy cruiser up is a capital ship, (A Northhampton Class Heavy cruiser for instance) that kind of thing.

Knights of the Old Republic: The Shadow War
urbanknight

Set 6 months after KOTOR II

The only problem I see is compressing what should have been about two chapters into one. It might just be me, but the discussion between the main character and Bastila should have been chapter 2, and the arrival of Kelborn the start of the third. Of course that means you would have to fill it out a bit. All other nasty commentary has been handled by others, and all of them concentrated on the tense. It didn’t bother me, though, so go with what feels good.

Heart of the Guardian
JediMaster12

Set during Revan’s lifetime, no specific dates given: A young boy learns from a Jedi master.

The story is rather bland, but kept me interested. It needs some work, but not enough to complain.

The Jedi Archives


Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Heroes
Jason Skywalker

Set After the events of Jedi Academy: A team is sent on a new mission.

The style is a bit forced as if you’re just playing the game and describing it.

First, Jason, I don’t say this very often, but you’re being too descriptive of the combat scenes. If you watch say the confrontation between the Jedi and Darth Maul, you will see a flurry of strokes, but only a professional fencer or Kendo teacher would be able to describe every move, but you’re trying.

Most of the people who write Star Wars are not that competent with weapons, and the readers will find themselves bogged down if they haven‘t played the game. After all, except for the description given in the game, what is the difference between medium and hard?

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Volunteer Clone

JediMasterJamz

A volunteer in the Grand Army of the Republic on a typical mission.

Spelling and grammar ar the biggest problems.

However one thing doesn’t gel. First, while the clones are the bulk of the ground troops, I seriously doubt they were the only troops, so calling him a ‘volunteer clone’ isn’t correct. As for keeping up with the clones themselves, you have to remember that the clones were given literally hardwired training, which can’t be done with someone raised in the typical human manner.

Also, ship design is not like the transformer toys. To create what you have, which is a fighter that can spilt in half smacks of such a thing.

A Bad Run
TuskenRaider1

A look at the seamier side of the Galaxy as a captain is hired for a run.

The style is good the basic story interesting enough to keep the reader going. Keep it up.

The Ways of the Smuggler
jOsh1433

A young pilot gets the chance at a lifelong dream with a band of smugglers.

The basic premise is kind of weak, having a group of professionals simply hire some kid that comes by as it were. If that part of the story were expanded, it would work a lot better.

kotorfanmedia

Dark Lord’s Redemption, Chapter 1

Out To Lunch


Retelling of the initial battle aboard Endar Spire

The style is irreverent, and funny without effort. The description of Trask was superb, and you can almost see him prancing about trying to impress the main character; and failing miserably.

There is No Such Thing as Luck, Chapter 1
fanficfan

Retelling beginning before attack on the Endar Spire

The byplay is excellent, and as others have pointed out, the idea that Trask and the main character have a past was interesting. The characters comes across fully fleshed, and totally believable.

Annoy
Atris Onasi

Aboard Ebon Hawk, Mission falls back on the fastest way to annoy an adult.

I read this, then had to go back and read it again. Considering Mission is the one who usually tries to cheer everybody up, the idea that she is going to go out of her way to annoy everyone instead was a good change of pace.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-15-2006, 05:53 AM   #382
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Nice, my first review.

Mach says to be less descriptive and Jae to be a little more descriptive. Anyways, thanks for the advice Mach. I'll see if my upcoming fic is better.

I was talking about the overall battle scenes, rather than the specific lightsaber duels. Thought I'd better clear that up. --Jae

@ Jae: Ah, alright then.

Last edited by Jason Skywalker; 09-15-2006 at 03:08 PM.
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Old 09-15-2006, 10:48 AM   #383
Diego Varen
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
Nice, my first review.

Mach says to be less descriptive and Jae to be a little more descriptive. Anyways, thanks for the advice Mach. I'll see if my upcoming fic is better.
Well it was better than my first Review (Many many pages back). Well somethings have either too much description (Making the reader bored) or little description (Too boring).
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Old 09-15-2006, 02:59 PM   #384
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
Nice, my first review.

Mach says to be less descriptive and Jae to be a little more descriptive. Anyways, thanks for the advice Mach. I'll see if my upcoming fic is better.

I was talking about the overall battle scenes, rather than the specific lightsaber duels. Thought I'd better clear that up. --Jae

I was speaking of the exact same thing. I was reminded reading the section of the Princess Bride duel between the man in black and Inigo Montoya name dropping 16th century styles as they battled.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-15-2006, 04:25 PM   #385
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I was speaking of the exact same thing. I was reminded reading the section of the Princess Bride duel between the man in black and Inigo Montoya name dropping 16th century styles as they battled.
I was thinking more along the lines of scenery, sounds of battle, explosions, how the character feels--fear? Excitement? Anger? Does he say anything to his buddies? Does he get hurt? What does he see and hear? That kind of thing.


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Old 09-18-2006, 01:25 AM   #386
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So mach thinks I'm bland now? Well, we have our good days and our bad days.
Thanks for the review mach. It was my first attempt at a narrative in the first person. It was also an attempt at creating a culture that exists outside of known space. I was surprised it came out as well as it did. Thanks again.

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Old 09-22-2006, 12:56 PM   #387
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Revan's Descendant
Pottsie

36 years before the Phantom menace: A Jedi discovers a young girl being served up to a Rancor.

The plot line is unfortunately too close to ROTJ for my comfort, but I can live with that. The characterization is good, the style is getting better.

The only real problem I have with it Pottsie is that I can’t see the Jedi Order acting as a savings and loan. If you compare the society to the middle ages, you only had two groups of people loaning money, the church and the Jews.

But the church was larger and much more respected at that time than the Jedi are.

Squad Alpha
TruYuri

Set during the period of Attack of the Clones: A clone squad faces combat on Geonosis.

The style is good and clean, the action well laid out and described. the only problems were grammar and word usage, it’s ‘hole’ instead of whole, that kind of thing.

My only technical notes are that your squad is kind of light (Average squads are 15 and a commando unit is usually six to eight) and no one is going to chose a leader at the start of a mission. The Kamino should have been watching and assigned someone long before that occurred.

More importantly, democratic systems haven’t been used (At least in the US) since the American Civil War. Primarily because the most popular person is not always the best leader. But that is no biggie.

Shattered Love, Shattered Faith
The Doctor
During the war of Exar Kun, Young Jolee Bindo is called to account for his actions.

The style is pure Doc, and flows smoothly. The characterization is good, the scenes crisp and clean. A pure Joy to read.

There isn’t much written so far that gives background on the characters in KOTOR. Bastila’s is merely a few scenes, as is Carth’s. Jolee always struck me as the world weary type, and if you’ve read my KOTOR novel, you can see I cut him some slack because of it. If this had occurred to my Jolee, I don’t think he would have been as willing to consider love important.

The Jedi Archives


Misplaced Trust

The Doctor
Before KOTOR: Carth and Saul Karath talk before Saul leaves to join the Sith.

Everything I said above about the Doctor’s work should go here as well. The mood is excellent, the conversation almost what I would have anticipated.

My only problem is the time line. According to KOTOR the Mandalorian Wars began 20 years after the war of Exar Kun, with a twelve year period of gobbling up the rim before attacking. The Jedi came into the war after four years, and the war ended four years later. At least that is the way I mentally laid it out. Perhaps I am wrong, but that bothered me.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Lando Starfalon, Jedi
Marko Ragnos

Set during the battle of Geonosis: A Jedi leads clones in a desperate battle.

The problems with the work are easy to correct. First, the author tends to forget conversation breaks. Second, words are used incorrectly, such as lead instead of led, layed instead of laid, and the grammar needs work. My only technical complaint is that when you send someone on a mission (Capturing an enemy ship) was he chosen because he was the closest unit? Or because he’s the main character?

Imperial Commandos
Marko Ragnos

Three Years after Revenge of the Sith: A squad from the clone wars gets back together for a new mission.

The same comments about editing and grammar from above apply. Still looking for conversation breaks...

Revenge
TuskenRaider1

After the Yuuzhan Vong War: A new group begins fomenting rebellion.

The style is good, the scenes well written. There are editing problems, but nothing major.

kotorfanmedia

Last to the Battle
Grimrabbit

The events after KOTOR In a pirate motif.

The style is a bit confusing, but fun anyway. My only complaint is the same one I have when people inject Earth into Star War;

Morgan and Grey were Earth pirates. How does ‘long ago in a galaxy far far away fit into that?

Easy Decisions, Harder Consequences

iisemily

The events after KOTOR In a pirate motif.

Like the previous work, for some reason a pirate motif captured the site. But my question above still remains.

Prelude to Darkness
Grimrabbit

Like the previous work, for some reason a pirate motif captured the site. But my question above still remains.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:05 PM   #388
Diego Varen
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Seriously mach, I don't know how you manage to get a hold of my deleted Fics. An okay review though. The reason it is bad is because I didn't continue it. Also, I've noticed you do reviews every Friday. Do you always do it then?
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:15 PM   #389
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Seriously mach, I don't know how you manage to get a hold of my deleted Fics. An okay review though. The reason it is bad is because I didn't continue it. Also, I've noticed you do reviews every Friday. Do you always do it then?

First, you might have deleted them but they are still on the site. As an aside there are three versions of my 'The Beginning' for some reason. You'll have to talk to a mod to get them removed.

My timing depends on my schedule. Sometimes I take a few hours in a single day, or spread it out through the week. I post them on Friday because I have always posted them then.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:21 PM   #390
Jae Onasi
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I looked at the dates/categories of the 3 kfm submissions--looks like they all could have been for the Sept. '05 Duelling circle challenge on 'Crossovers' (crossing Kotor characters with some other story/movie, like putting Kotor characters in the Pirates of the Carribbean or putting characters from CSI into the Kotor universe), which could explain why they are all 'pirate-y'.

mach--let me know which versions you want deleted and I can do that.

@Pottsie--moderators can 'see' deleted threads/posts.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 09-22-2006, 03:01 PM   #391
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Actually on kotorfanmedia, all the fics are in a pirate motiff in honor of talk like a pirate day which was Sept 19. They haven't changed the fics back to normal yet. Really all the pirate talk is driving me crazy. Savvy?

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Old 09-22-2006, 09:01 PM   #392
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
I looked at the dates/categories of the 3 kfm submissions--looks like they all could have been for the Sept. '05 Duelling circle challenge on 'Crossovers' (crossing Kotor characters with some other story/movie, like putting Kotor characters in the Pirates of the Carribbean or putting characters from CSI into the Kotor universe), which could explain why they are all 'pirate-y'.

mach--let me know which versions you want deleted and I can do that.

@Pottsie--moderators can 'see' deleted threads/posts.
It isn't a matter of deleting them. As a member not a mod of korofanmedia, I am sick and tired of beating my head against the moderator's wall.

Both you and Jiara have asked me to make a comment regarding this, and this is my response. I didn't know that kotorfanmedia had a 'pirate day motif' and because of that I came in to find it as the stories were.

The original postings are intact, and will be reset the next time their system reboots. For the ones that were reviewed, I will review you again and post them with a comment as to why I am reposting them at a later date.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 09-22-2006 at 09:43 PM.
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Old 09-22-2006, 10:50 PM   #393
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Thanks for the reviews, Mach. I'm aware that the timeline in Misplaced Trust is a little off. Sorry about that. I just didn't think it was worth a re-write to fix it...
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:09 AM   #394
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Doctor
Thanks for the reviews, Mach. I'm aware that the timeline in Misplaced Trust is a little off. Sorry about that. I just didn't think it was worth a re-write to fix it...
No worries, Doc. I just pointed it out because I thought you'd shaved a few years.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:13 AM   #395
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This isn't entirely on-topic, but at SWKnights you said someone ripped off your bank account. My sympathies. That would be awful to say the least.


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We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:17 AM   #396
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This isn't entirely on-topic, but at SWKnights you said someone ripped off your bank account. My sympathies. That would be awful to say the least.
The worst is that the bank started out completely unsympathetic. Their comment was that 'if' we could prove fraud, we 'might' get our money back.

That changed about noon when the police checked the ATM, and found that the perp had tried to get a thousand, and when it refused, stepped down a hundred at a time until it finally gave him some money. Then he waited unti the ATM recycled, and tagged the rest.

So yeah, they now admit it's fraud.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:21 AM   #397
Emperor Devon
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How horrid. I hope you get your money back.


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Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:32 AM   #398
Jae Onasi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
The worst is that the bank started out completely unsympathetic. Their comment was that 'if' we could prove fraud, we 'might' get our money back.
In addition to all the steps on preventing fraud, I'd also find a new bank in that case. When someone stole my wallet, my bank didn't even question it--they shut down the account the moment I called and simply asked me if x, y, and z that came in later on my account were mine or the perp's.
We probably don't want to know how they got your PIN number along with your card...unless it's something fascinating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Both you and Jiara have asked me to make a comment regarding this, and this is my response. I didn't know that kotorfanmedia had a 'pirate day motif' and because of that I came in to find it as the stories were.
Actually, my comment was pure conjecture. I saw that one of them was a DCC fic and from the dates on the other 2 figured they might be as well. I didn't know they had a special 'Pirate Day' feature, either. I'm afraid to ask how they managed to change that many....

mach, I'm a bit confused--are you talking about your deleting your extra Kotor story threads here or at kfm? I can do something about the ones here but not at kfm.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

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Old 09-23-2006, 02:11 PM   #399
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Thanks for the review, machievelli!

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Old 09-25-2006, 04:59 PM   #400
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A bit about statistical analysis:

Every now and then I feel a bit depressed. With all of the fiction I have written here (Six) I have always felt a little, I don't know, depressed. Bear with me, I have been drinking (Not a lot.) and I was wondering why so few comment on my work. So I went back, and today I did the following analysis:
Assuming the same number of people per week, I came up with an average of:
What We Die For: 4
Acceptance: 9
Star Wars the Beginning: 48
Star Wars Kotor Exerepts(OBviously misnamed, since this is the only forum that has it in it's entireity: 52
Star Wars: Republic Dawn: 63

Now to tell you the truth those numbers did not fill my heart with joy. After all some have been here since March of last year. But the next two bothered me because I had to wonder:
Was I becoming a better writer, or were people just reading my stuff because I was the nasty person critiquing them?
Those last two numbers were:

The critic's column. 147 per week and;
Return of the Exile: 419.

All I can say for myself is that my popularity with you, the people I have been flogging to make you better had yet to drop below 70 percent. At least something is working.

All right enough angst. I'm back to normal.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 09-25-2006 at 05:02 PM. Reason: stupid effing system posted before i was done!!!!!
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