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View Poll Results: have I been honest and not overly critical?
Keep it up! 127 78.40%
Maybe a little slack 17 10.49%
Tighten up the restrictions 10 6.17%
go away 15 9.26%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 162. You may not vote on this poll


Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
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Old 09-25-2006, 05:28 PM   #401
JediMaster12
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Mach, as a person who has been subjected to your unrelenting scrutiny in the world of fan fics, I aim to point out that your angtsy self is valued here. True you do criticize us but out of the people who have read my stuff in the past before I joined here, your opinion is one of few that I value the most. I am not talking about grammar police or anything but things concerning plot and the like, you give what I need and in turn I try to improve. I have read bits of your work and I believe I have commented on your unique style. I understand the occassional depression at the viewings and the like but I try not to let that bother me. Keep up what you're doing mach. I enjoy your reviews and I have actually read what you critique so that expands my horizions. Ok I'll stop now because I am rambling.

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Old 09-25-2006, 07:10 PM   #402
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
A bit about statistical analysis:

Every now and then I feel a bit depressed. With all of the fiction I have written here (Six) I have always felt a little, I don't know, depressed. Bear with me, I have been drinking (Not a lot.) and I was wondering why so few comment on my work. So I went back, and today I did the following analysis:
Assuming the same number of people per week, I came up with an average of:
What We Die For: 4
Acceptance: 9
Star Wars the Beginning: 48
Star Wars Kotor Exerepts(OBviously misnamed, since this is the only forum that has it in it's entireity: 52
Star Wars: Republic Dawn: 63

Those last two numbers were:

The critic's column. 147 per week and;
Return of the Exile: 419.

All I can say for myself is that my popularity with you, the people I have been flogging to make you better had yet to drop below 70 percent. At least something is working.

All right enough angst. I'm back to normal.
More stats for you, because I'm a stats junkie: While I haven't taken a calculator to all this, the reply/view ratio is consistently somewhere around 1:10 to 1:20, or about 5-10% once the fic has gone more than 1 or 2 chapter posts. You're well in the ballpark on that one.
I think the popularity thing is probably 3 fold and completely unrelated to you personality-wise--it's 1. the fact that you, like me, fall into the 'slightly more mature than the teen years' category, even if we sometimes feel like kids at heart. Teens are more comfortable talking to other teens than to most adults (in general, not in specific cases), 2. you're the critic and until I got comfortable with your stuff and you, I felt uncomfortable offering criticism so I'm sure others do, too--no one was sure how you'd handle it, and 3. you tend to handle more complex themes. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you're asking why you don't get more comments, these are far more likely to be the reasons than dislike of your stories, because your fics are great.
Humor mode way on: So quit angsting, already! Your work doesn't suck!


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Old 09-25-2006, 07:25 PM   #403
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Humor mode way on: So quit angsting, already! Your work doesn't suck!
Guys, I will not be upset if you tell me I am effing up! If my work bothers you say so!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:35 PM   #404
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Quote:
Last edited by machievelli : Today at 02:02 PM. Reason: stupid effing system posted before i was done!!!!!


If it makes you feel any better I've become more of a lurker in the CEC and I've lurked my way through your fics.


Let's kill ourselves.

Last edited by Hallucination; 09-25-2006 at 11:10 PM. Reason: I derive pleasure from using the edit button.
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:35 PM   #405
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I've commented on your work who knows how many times, machievelli. I like it, and from the amount of views it gets, other people do too.

Teens here probably feel uncomftorable commenting on your work, because not only are you decades older than they are, you are, as my nemesis said, the critic. It probably feels awkward to criticize the critic.

I'm sure that if you found out who viewed your fics and sent each person a PM about what they thought, you would get some great feeback. People probably don't feel comftorable enough to comment, they don't have anything to say other than "good job" and don't feel like posting it, or they're just plain lazy.

If you're hoping for feedback other than "great work", there's not a lot that could go into that category. Granted, your works could use a little polishing in some areas, but for the most part, they're excellent. You are by no means f***ing up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:41 PM   #406
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The biggest problem every writer has here is none of you are willing to tell them when they're effing up. I am right there with all of them. TELL THEM when they don't do what you want.

I'm an old fart feeling my arteries harden and knowing the black camel will kneel for me soone enough. I can't do this forever!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:42 PM   #407
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Eh, I do not worry about ages of someone to criticize their work, if they're legendary and their stories are garbage..they're garbage, though I can't say both of these things about Mach. Your work is good and I enjoy it a lot


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Old 09-25-2006, 07:43 PM   #408
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaV™
Eh, I do not worry about ages of someone to criticize their work, if they're legendary and their stories are garbage..they're garbage, though I can't say both of these things about Mach. Your work is good and I enjoy it a lot
alcohol talking: So why haven't you commented?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:51 PM   #409
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
TELL THEM when they don't do what you want.
All right, grammar and spelling has been a bit of a problem for you in your chapters, mach. Nothing a little editing can't fix, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I'm an old fart feeling my arteries harden and knowing the black camel will kneel for me soone enough. I can't do this forever!
Your profile says you were born in '53. Hopefully that still gives you a while, unless there's something else. If so, (I feel like I've said this too often ) my sympathies.

One reason, again, for no comments is that it may seem unoriginal and pointless to say "good job". Apparently this isn't so.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:14 PM   #410
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
All right, grammar and spelling has been a bit of a problem for you in your chapters, mach. Nothing a little editing can't fix, though.



Your profile says you were born in '53. Hopefully that still gives you a while, unless there's something else. If so, (I feel like I've said this too often ) my sympathies.

One reason, again, for no comments is that it may seem unoriginal and
pointless to say "good job". Apparently this isn't so.

Sorry; ED. There is a point for every writer wherwe no comment is a negative.

LIke I said is an earlier post, alcohol talking. Let's just say that after a year with little or no comment, I need a hug, k?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:21 PM   #411
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:48 PM   #412
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
I could react as if I were happy, ED, but by the same token, people don't expect it of me. So all I I can say is;
No, I will not increase you allowance,

But thanks, I needed that


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:55 PM   #413
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Well at least you seem to feel better though I'm no sure if the alcohol is still talking. My confession is that I am a lazy reader with online fics. I read for this site and an other one so my mind nearly explodes at times. Still if you want to be an old fart, go ahead. I won't hold it against you. I live with one.

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Old 09-25-2006, 09:01 PM   #414
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Well at least you seem to feel better though I'm no sure if the alcohol is still talking. My confession is that I am a lazy reader with online fics. I read for this site and an other one so my mind nearly explodes at times. Still if you want to be an old fart, go ahead. I won't hold it against you. I live with one.
JM12, All I have to say is;

I resent that!

I don't deny it, but I resent it!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2006, 09:52 PM   #415
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I could react as if I were happy, ED, but by the same token, people don't expect it of me. So all I I can say is;
No, I will not increase you allowance,
"You're just not used to company. Stop being such an old coot." - Revan



@Hall, already had one. He's a nice counterpart to what's in my sig.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 09-25-2006, 10:03 PM   #416
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You can discuss my sig with me via PM. This is unrelated to the two pennies the critic has.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 09-25-2006 at 11:37 PM.
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Old 09-25-2006, 10:07 PM   #417
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
We're already grossly off-topic. No need to make it any further.

Also, that's a bit too large for my sig. If you can think of a smaller one, let me know and I'll try and see if I can squeeze it in.

Jae, could you use your momeratin' powers to trim these off-topic posts?
If Jae want's to momerate it I won't complain. As it is this is my party and as the song goes, I'll cry if I wanna

Now would I momerate you? Well, maybe only a smidgen. But you'd do me the favor in return. --Jae

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination


If it makes you feel any better I've become more of a lurking in the CEC and I've lurked my way through your fics.
Thanks, kiddo. My thing, as a fellow lurker, is that too many of us don't say anything. As a political animal, I am reminded of the commercials they have done where hash browns or packaged ketchup it touted as a candidate. How much is ennui and how much is people who won't talk?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
You can discuss my sig with me via PM. This is unrelated to the two pennies the critic has.
I have actually looked at your sig. I'm waiting for you to do something really disgusting. And yes, you can quote me.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 09-25-2006 at 11:39 PM. Reason: combined multiple posts
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Old 09-26-2006, 04:57 PM   #418
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Sorry mach. I was trying to say that I relate to you in terms of feelings. My brain is on a different train. Still I lurk and occassionally I have glanced at your works. I'm just too lazy to post save for my own threads.

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Old 09-26-2006, 06:57 PM   #419
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Sorry mach. I was trying to say that I relate to you in terms of feelings. My brain is on a different train. Still I lurk and occassionally I have glanced at your works. I'm just too lazy to post save for my own threads.
Don't take it so bad, JM. You know how you call someone something and they say 'I resent that'? I came up with that comment to say 'you're right'. I didn't take it as a negative. My wife thinks I need to get another life beyond the keyboard, and if i had the money, you guys would have to put up with me less often. That's why I posted six of my books on Lulu.com hoping people would actually buy them.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-27-2006, 09:19 PM   #420
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Thanks for reviewing Squad Alpha. I know I never finished it, but I got really busy, and you know, one thing led to another.

But anyway, I have worked on the next chapter a bit. I plan on working on it a bunch more, seeing as people at my Star Wars Stories site are getting angry.

Nice review. Will take the suggestions into mind.


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Old 09-29-2006, 01:15 PM   #421
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Historical Revelation
The Doctor

One of a series of three stories so far covering vignettes within and before KOTOR.

The style is good as always. Finding things to complain about can sometimes be really hard with him.

But I did find something (Pats self on back) When Malak orders Revan taken alive, he forgets Calo’s comments when he finds them, which is that only Bastila was to be returned. A minor little thing, but it made me happy.

Farewells
Pottsie

His take on Revan leaving for the unknown regions.

Actually, Pottsie, I’d define this as a short-short. Pretty well done.
Oh and Hallucination asked to borrow your muse;

Muse: One of the nine sister goddess born of Zeus and Menosyne. The Greek Gods of the arts.

(No name yet)...somewhat revised
Bruin86

Very short vignette, unfinished. No specific era given.

Pottsie hit you pretty hard already, so all I have to suggest is this;

Get a dictionary, and use it if your word processor doesn’t have a spell checker. You don’t have to sit with it every second, but use it before you post. Grammar needs work, but again, that is something you will learn in time, so don’t sweat it too much just yet kid.

Remember old guys like me used to do this on paper with typewriters, and the only ‘spell check’ we had was in our heads. Give it some time, and if you want to continue, do so.

The Jedi Archives


Ease of Darkness

The Doctor

Another short piece set in KOTOR: Juhani’s initial fall.

Only two things. It is ‘hole’ instead of whole and quiet rather than quite.

The piece is excellent, and the adaptation of the Jedi code using different phrasing makes it perfect. As much as the Jedi seem stultified, we always have to remember that the teaching must be adapted to people from a lot of different racial and societal backgrounds, and Doc did it very well here.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

A Rogue's Environment
Admiral Daala

A round Robin story with the above author, TuskenRaider1, Vodo, and Jeianni adding their own sections. No specific era given, though inference is in the New Republic.

Like any such story, the strength of it is in the one directing the work. The primary downside is that like too many cooks, it can go very bad. But this one is actually quite good.

TSC: Fubar

Jarhead43

During the Imperial Period: A battle from both the bridge of the ship, and the Marines boarding parties.

Great! The only complaints I have are purely technical.

The era suggests that the Jedi had not been annihilated, and the ‘Rebels’ have gotten off the ground too quickly. Any rebellion starts small and spread out, then gets bigger. They might have a ‘fleet’ but it would have to be small and spread out, because the Empire has a lot more force to project. As an example, the US Navy in the American Revolution was less than a dozen ships, none of which were large enough to take on a frigate unless commanded by an excellent officer. Only one British Frigate (HMS Serapis) was taken during that war.

Second, the Nebulon B has enough cubage for 24 fighters, and that is two squadrons, not four.

The Stormtrooper Chronicles: FUBAR (cont'd)
Jarhead43

As the title states, continuation of FUBAR

The style is choppy, but since you’re fighting a boarding action, it is excellent. The author knows a good amount about combat from that point of view, and there is nothing I can say bad about it. Very well done.


kotorfanmedia

Last week I went to kotorfanmedia and found an entire series of stories in a pirate motif. What I didn’t know until afterward was that some of the people there were celebrating a ‘pirate’s day’ and they had used pirate style program which changed the stories. After lambasting the authors pretty bad, I was informed of this and apologized. But these next three stories require a proper review:


Last to the Battle
Grimrabbit

The events after KOTOR

The author has captured the biggest problem I foresaw for Revan. You were the worst monster in history, you slaughtered everyone like a malevolent child (GR’s own phrase) and now you’re not sure if you will ever be accepted. Extremely well done.


Easy Decisions, Harder Consequences
iisemily

The events after KOTOR: Revan decides the order is not for her.

This is an excellent work. The anger at the order because of her relationship with Carth is understated but that makes it even better. Her reaction, and the that of her crew is perfect, and the last scene is poignant. Very well done.


Prelude to Darkness
Grimrabbit

The events after KOTOR: On the outs with the Jedi, Revan starts her own Academy.

There were some problems, leaving out words, but that is something I do on occasion as well, so I can’t complain too much. You also stated the same thing two different ways (That they saved they bailed them out) which looks more like an accidental failure to remove it. Again no biggie.

The challenge here is to understand why this has occurred. The best suggestion historically I can come up with is the schism that broke the Sunni and Shi’a into different sects. Unlike the original break away which formed the Sith, this appeared to be an attempt to allow the members more lee-way in their emotional growth.

The discussion of love is reminiscent of my own commentary with Jolee talking instead of Revan as here. The Jedi’s ‘love everybody and no body’ has always been one of my biggest stumbling blocks.

Viva Bastila
mcfinnegan

Bastila faces her mother’s death.

The style is good, the scenes clean and crisp. As another reviewer above commented, it took a lot to break through the cool reserve the character always showed in the game, and this is well worth the read.

Revan in Xanadu
Joysweeper

An interesting convention...

The scenes are well done, and the switch from kids cosplaying to the real thing was abrupt enough that you are also caught unawares. The automatic melding of characters to the best possible link makes it perfect.

Definitely worth the read.

Chapter 1 - Crash
iisemily

The Battle of the Endar Spire and it’s aftermath with a twist. Trask lives.

The idea that Trask is only there to keep you going bothered me in the original story, just as all the faceless characters you lead into battle just sort of drop away as you go on. By concentrating on an ancillary character, and having it be from his view, makes the other regular characters reactions more understandable.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-29-2006, 02:01 PM   #422
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Thanks for my first short Fic Review, mach. I look foward to more reviews. And thanks for telling me about muse.
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Old 09-29-2006, 03:47 PM   #423
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I've read some of Grimrabbit's work on kotorfanmedia and I found it an interesting take on things. Actually I've read quite a bit of it and what I truly have to say is that it was an eye opener but it made sense. I did find grammar and spelling issues but that's my job anyway. Great reviews mach and I hope you've come out of your blue spot.

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Old 09-29-2006, 03:55 PM   #424
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Yay, two more reviews! Thanks Mach! Can't wait for the next round.
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Old 09-29-2006, 07:05 PM   #425
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
I've read some of Grimrabbit's work on kotorfanmedia and I found it an interesting take on things. Actually I've read quite a bit of it and what I truly have to say is that it was an eye opener but it made sense. I did find grammar and spelling issues but that's my job anyway. Great reviews mach and I hope you've come out of your blue spot.

I can't guarantee when I will get our of the black hole of depression. I have six books listed on lulu.com (look under lorance) and have sold exactly three books so far. At that rate I may get paid by them sometime around next July. Haven't found an agent because I don't schmooze.

Crap, putging myself back into a funk. Gotta go.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-06-2006, 01:14 PM   #426
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SW: Talk about a Vacation.
Mr. BFA

The Exile and Revan take a vacation in of all places, Australia.

The basic style is good, the story relatively well done, needing polishing and some editing more than anything else.

About two weeks ago, I lambasted an entire site because someone changed the coding so that all of the stories were pirate yarns. The reason I did was because the entire premise is ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away‘.

At least you gave a reason for why it might have occurred, an unexplained phenomenon right out of a Star Trek Episode throwing them there.

I think I am going to have to address this in the Expert’s Forum Column later today.

Trials
ForceFightWme12

At the beginning of KOTOR: One of the favorite writers of the forum does the intro...

FFWM, This is excellent. The style is compelling, the story well done. Like myself, you tend to avoid the ‘oh dear another group I have to fight’ problem of RPGs. As for the comments on accents, anyone who has spoken or listened to people will tell you that every possible accent around the world has audial relationships to someone else in the world. When I was writing a fantasy in my own world I had my character end up in San Francisco, and they tried to find someone who spoke her language, but everyone they talked to said it sounded like someone else’s language.

So when are you going to finish?

The Way of the Dark Side
Pottsie

The period following the ending of Jedi Knight One.
Having never played this game, I was at a slight loss. The scene was well done, and there are some technical problems, but I will address them in a moment. The basic flaw I saw was that considering some of the horrible things we have seen the various Sith do through the series of books and movies, I was surprised that one reacted this negatively to one simple act. Vader fought the Emperor because he wanted to save his son’s life. Anakin murdered the younglings he thought to save Padme’s life. Strong emotional ties in each case.

Now technical. The smallest count I have heard of the number of planets in the Republic is 100,000. I seriously doubt the Empire even at it’s height had enough ships to attack every system simultaneously. All that would have done is made them weak everywhere, and the Republic Fleet would have cleaned their clocks.

The technical term is ‘defeat in detail’.

The Jedi Archives


Pookie
Jae Onasi

So how did we end up with a Gizka?

The style is excellent, the byplay between characters excellent, and the premise not only plausible, but fun. An excellent read.

Over in the Kotorfanmedia site they have dueling challenges. Having never actually seen the originals, just the responses, I haven’t paid that much attention to them. After this one maybe I should.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Stormtrooper Chronicles
Jarhead43

The beginning of the adventure.

The style is good, with mainly problems with homonyms. ‘brake’ instead of break, that kind of thing. The sarcasm on the old hands to the newbie is well done, and the view of the kid fits in.

Altered Lives

Fish1941

Alternate Universe: Events between ROTS and ANH

The style was a bit choppy at the start, but it smoothed out. The basic premise is good, and the presentation well thought out and well done.

Galactic Quest Episode I
Jedi Ninja

A millennium after ANH, The Sith rise again.

The basic story is good, the idea even better. I don’t have time to read the rest of the postings (There are three of the Galactic Quests ones back to back) But they would be worth the time.

I Am Revan
Rainwood

Another look at the reaction to this revelation from KOTOR

I can’t think of anything really good to say about this that hasn‘t already been said. The reason is that 17 people gave it a thumbs up, and 14 commented before me, and quite honestly, I don’t want the kid to get a swelled head. This is fantastic work.

Family, Chapter One
Grimrabbit

The families of both Revan and Carth get together for a rather odd reunion.

Like everything I have read of GRs, this is good and thought provoking.

But there is a lot here that puzzles me, because it makes me go back mentally to The Phantom Menace and not in a good way. GR, if the order wanted to turn down a nine year old because of just fear, why would they have accepted a six year-old multiple murderer?

I for one think they got what they deserved, but I didn’t see an explanation from the Jedi’s point of view.

Resurrection
mcfinnegan

As Bastila deals with her mother’s death, Alana (Revan) delivers on a promise.

The style is excellent, the subject matter up to the author’s usual high standards. Worth a read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-06-2006, 01:28 PM   #427
Jae Onasi
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Heh, I think you should be _submitting_ stuff in the Dueling circle, mach. And thanks. "Pookie" was a fun one to write.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 10-06-2006, 02:38 PM   #428
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Heh, I think you should be _submitting_ stuff in the Dueling circle, mach. And thanks. "Pookie" was a fun one to write.

As someone suggesting ideas? Or as someone replying to them?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 10-06-2006, 03:10 PM   #429
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Thanks for the Review mach. I agree that is isn't my best Fic ever written.
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Old 10-06-2006, 10:16 PM   #430
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
As someone suggesting ideas? Or as someone replying to them?
Well, if you have challenge ideas, cool, but I was thinking more along the lines of you writing an entry for each challenge, as in participating in the duel itself.
I think you'd come up with some fascinating entries for each challenge.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 10-10-2006, 02:32 AM   #431
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Yay, my first review! ... Thanks Mach, i'm starting to think, i actually might continue on with that story, whenever i get a chance. Once again, thanks for the comments.

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Old 10-13-2006, 12:07 PM   #432
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Saviour, Conqueror, Hero, Villain
Jason Skywalker

Pre-KOTOR I: The battle of Malachor.

The style is cumbersome. I hadn’t noticed it before (This is the second review of this author) But the word usage is not any English language dialect I had ever read. Having the enemy landing ‘a little more up’, that kind of thing.

The battle scene is better than before, but again, you’re using terminology a neophyte might get confused by. Speaking of light saber styles that have no basis in the canon, talking of well trained volleys as ‘having precision‘. Saying they were good trained shots would have been better and simpler.

It needs work, but it is worth saving.

Memories of the 182nd
bballforlife

The tale of a unit’s last battle.

The style is a bit sluggish, but that is an editing and polishing problem.

My basic problems with the piece are technical. When 1st Squad, 1st company 1st Battalion, 1st Regiment of the 1st Infantry Division in Iraq rolls back into base camp, they don’t have the sniper go off to his section, the medic off to his etc. A squad is a cohesive unit that hangs together at all times. Like any form of male bonding, it makes them more efficient.

Second, every weapon being carried does not have the same designation. Not knowing the modern Beretta 9 mill designation, I will go back to the war I almost ended up in; The standard special forces squad (8 men) has an M-60 machine gun, carries four to eight AT6 Laws rockets, two m79 grenade launchers, six m16A1 assault rifles and one Winchester model 700 or M1A1 sniper rifle.

No Title Yet
The Doctor.

A boy plots revenge against the man who killed his mother.

The story is well done, and Jasra Lantril has done any serious critiquing of the work.

I disagreed with he comment that a kid wouldn’t or couldn’t do such things, there are too many times in history that it has happened and having a child dragging around a sword too big for him has happened often enough too.

But the ranks are modern, and if this is not a modern army, they wouldn’t have used them. As an example during the Pre-American Revolutionary period ‘General’ was a Generic title, and a Lieutenant General was the second in command to a full general. The way you worded the section where that term is used, it sounds like he has been demoted, since a Brigadier is junior to a Lieutenant General.

The Jedi Archives


The Power of Love
Pottsie

A brief vignette after KOTOR II

The writing is good, the basic story idea needs work, but nothing a little polish won’t cure.

The piece seems a bit forced, Pottsie. As if you just wanted the character to fall in love. That just might be me, though so don‘t take it to hard.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Knights Of The Old Republic: The True Sith
Vesper

Set After KOTOR II A Jedi gives her life.

The style is well done. on the whole excellent work.

Rise of the New Empire:AU
92se-r
In an Alternate Universe, Anakin attacks the Jedi Temple, and Padme delivers the newborn Luke to Owen.

This work is excellent. Having seen the same scenes done in ROTS, it was intriguing to see them altered just enough to create a different ending. I was so good in fact that I had to stop myself from reading it just to publish this review.

Before the Empire
FIXITMAN

Jedi on a mission.

The style is good, as is the story, but the author has problems with homonyms (Threw instead of Through) and forgets paragraph breaks for dialogue. This is however just an editing problem, so i won’t ding it too bad.

http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=15

Kriea: Revisited
Darth Ramsis

After the Final Battle in KOTORII, The Exile grieves for his enemy, Kreia.

Told in first person, with Kreia giving the reason for her part, the story is poignant.

I have mentioned before the writer Isaac Asimov, because of a quote. ‘The enemy you face is not a villain in his own eyes‘. This piece could just as easily be used an an explanation. Every step of Krei’s path was as logical as the path to the light would have been. Definitely worth the read.

Time Goes On
noneko

A meeting in a bar after KOTOR I.

The piece has the look of a polished art work, and the simplicity of the scene hides the fact that it is very well done. A simple meeting between two old friends tell more of the pain in the main character than a thousand words could have done.

A Family Event
charys

KOTOR I parody with a Halloween theme.

All right, I have lambasted people for this before. If the author had changed the name (In other words, not called it Halloween) I would have say nothing. So grumble grumble, complain, whine.

That out of the way, I roared. It was funny from start to finish. The characters have an advantage (Beyond seeming to all be stuck in the same house ala Drawn Together) of being able to ‘borrow’ every one else’s clothes to pretend. Having both Revan (Played by Mission in a blonde wig) Darth Revan (Played by Dustil) and Canderous wearing Carth’s jacket (With arguments as to whether it is rust colored or orange) the piece sort of grabs your hand like a friendly St Bernard puppy, and drags you to the end.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-13-2006, 12:22 PM   #433
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Thanks for the review mach.
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Old 10-20-2006, 12:38 PM   #434
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A Twist of Fate
Jason Skywalker

The trial of the Exile from KOTOR II but with two Exiles.

The piece needed editing, after all, when you try to comfort someone you pat them, not pad them. Nothing major beyond not interjecting yourself into the dialogue, just repeating what the game had.

The idea is a bit odd to me, but would work in a longer termed story than this one. The Gemini Contenders by Ludlum is a perfect example.
Into the Future
Pottsie

After KOTOR: Revan is thrown into the future to right before Anakin Skywalker is found.

All right, first thing, you’re forcing the story. At the end of chapter 2 when you would have merely ended the conversation between Revan and the Council, you almost had them using the ‘hook’ to pull Revan out.

Note on proper etiquette; In a situation where one person knows both sides in an introduction, it is common practice to have that person make the introductions instead of leaving it to the newer parties. The way you did it was like the old joke from authors stepping into their own work.

The idea is intriguing.

By your own request, I will not review Generals of the War and The Fallen Jedi.

Kar the Apprentice
Yaggles

Set after KOTORII: A young Padawan attempts to complete the mission of his dead master.

All right, first, editing. There is an old saying I have used before nicknamed Carr’s law; a good story is not written, it is rewritten’. The story tends to drag a bit because the student doesn't really know what to do. And parched is not spelled with a ‘T’.

On the technical side, I was bothered a bit by the idea that someone who could be defined as a child was sent on this mission with no way to contact his superiors in an emergency A barely trained boy should have a way to ‘phone home’ in an emergency. That he was willing to divulge his mission in detail to people he had just met helped the story by telling us what and why, but everyone else didn‘t need to know.

The Jedi Archives

Rule Number One

The Doctor

The events leading to the capture of Bastila by the Black Vulkars.

The story is well done, and the confusion of the landing perfect. The story flows to it’s logical conclusion.

There were only two technical problems; First a life pod is not a fighter. It is assumed by those that design such emergency vehicles that the passengers are not in any condition to operate them beyond hitting a button, so having them maneuver, while possible, is unlikely. Second, if Bastila had shown her Jedi powers, it would have been reported. Considering the physical damage done by the landing, it would have made more sense to merely have her surrender.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Trouble in the New Republic
Jacno

Set five years after the Young Jedi Knights series; An alternate history story.

Set five years before A New Hope: A marooned pilot returns to the Imperial forces.

The style is a little bothersome because the paragraphs are a bit short, and convey little.

The basic idea of alternate universe stories is to change what did happen, and you’ve done that very well. However having a storm trooper order around a Captain doesn’t work. If they are clones (Which wasn’t followed through in the series) they should still be slavishly following authority, and unless the Storm trooper in question outranks the Captain, he wouldn’t try to take control of the conversation.

Also, the ones he brought with him should have snapped to orders. The way they conversed suggested that they were of equal or near equal rank (Say a Lance Corporal telling a Private First Class what to do, and the PFC questioning it) rather than a major (Next rank up from a Captain) telling them to move.

Bathtime & Rubber Duckies
Inner Demon

AU-ROTS COMEDY encounter of Mace and Palpatine

The style is a bit forced. The author clearly was having a lot of fun with the subject, and kept nudging the reader as if to say ‘see?’.

All in all a very enjoyable little read.

Jango, Boba, and other clone war stories
Xanatos

Title give era: Jango Fett takes a break from breeding and training clones to earn a little pocket money.

The style is jerky, primarily because the author is moving the character around like a puppet. It needs to be edited to smooth it out. The Author also has problems with spelling, and seems to have spelled ‘Coruscant’ phonetically.

The story segments are honestly too short to give an adequate measure of the authors capabilities.

kotorfanmedia

Blood Deral
Alexandra

In the Inertim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan is faced with a decision.

What can I say that the others who reviewed it have not? The idea of facing your past is a usual thing in fiction, and having ghosts make you do it is again, time honored. The style is brisk, yet does not force the reader. Rather, it is like any scene from a horror movie where like the character, you are forced by your own mind to go forward and confront the danger.
The comment by capa was well said, the eyes were a bit much. I agree that a single flower left where it was obvious to the eye would have been better.

Telosian Festival of Fear
xenzen and Athenaprime

During interim between KOTOR and TSL: Carth finds something else to fear...

The story flows smoothly, the subject matter, a woman trying to dive in with feet first into the culture of her husband, and the ending surprised me pleasantly. It is the highest rated story I have reviewed to date. 52 thumbs up, and 21 reviews by readers.

This story went well, and as I read it, I remembered an article I did in the expert forum of Lucasforums on how to convert a holiday of ours to the genre. The idea that the costumes have to reflect heroes rather than the fears is a unique twist to the Halloween motif (Black and Orange was obvious). Changing it so that the kids have to give the history of the costume is also a nice touch.

Excellent!

Chapter One: Skewed Perceptions
Jakia75

Set in TSL: Twin exiles on Peragus at the start.

There are spelling problems (Warn instead of worn) but any problems are minor.

The idea of twin Jedi is fun because they aren’t even close to the same. The girl is almost as strait-laced as Bastila as described in the intro, and the male reminds me of Han Solo from the original Star Wars movie. The dialogue between Lydia and Atton is a well done take off from the original script of the game, and the only line I would have changed would be when he commented that he had wanted to use a line, but didn’t. I would have changed it to have him say he threw it away, and have her reply, ‘That’s a pity, some poor kid might pick it up and use it’.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 10-20-2006 at 12:45 PM. Reason: forgot URLs
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:24 PM   #435
Diego Varen
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Thanks for the Review mach. I agree with you. Into the Future wasn't my best Fic.
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Old 10-25-2006, 11:00 PM   #436
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Thanks for yet another great review, Mach. Sorry I didn't commented earlier - I haven't had a lot of time for da intranetz lately.
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Old 10-27-2006, 12:54 PM   #437
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It is the anniversary of my column. It has been a fun year guys, keep up the good work.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Sith War: The Beginning...
kookaburra

As the new Jedi Council begins to plan, the Exile and Revan plan their escape.

The style is choppy because you’re being too wordy. You have a small problems with homonyms (to instead of Too) and words that get confused (Wonder instead of wander). More than anything you are explaining over much. All of the above are editing problems, and easily corrected. Just remember to reread the work before you post it.

As for the idea of the story, it has potential.

The Empire's Will

TruYuri

The thoughts of a Clone...

Now then. First your style is a bit hard to get used to. As with the author above, you’re trying to tell and explain too much. You need to remember conversation breaks, and also remember that this is not a who’s who. Without saying names, just by using the dialogue you can let anyone who knows the series know what is happening. To a clone soldier who is only ten years old, the people would be incidental beyond their ranks, I.E. do they outrank me? The Clones oddly enough seem to figure this out by who tells them what to do.

As an example, in Attack of the clones when Padme is found after being thrown off the ship, the clone who finds her first tells her what to do. She gives him an order in reply. That act told the clone that she was in authority, and his program forced him to obey. Also, unless a ship is a brand new class, all are built on a basically standard pattern. If you were on an Iowa class Battleship before it doesn’t matter if it is USS Iowa USS Missouri or USS New Jersey, the lifeboats are in the same place.

Galactic Conquest II: Rebel Rebound
RC1162

9 years after ROTS: Battle between the Rebels and the Empire.

The style is pure RC, and I am never disappointed when it comes to the work.

But technical...

First a guerilla war requires only one thing for the superior force, a location where the enemy is verified to be. Capturing a shipyard would give them that, and a shipyard is a stationary target that cannot be moved. How long do you think the guerillas in Iraq would last if they formed into regimental units and attacked? Answer, not very long.

Roland Green in his Peaceforce books likened it to a fight between a street fighter and a boxer. The boxer has rules as to what and where he can hit. Once he throws a punch, the fight is usually over. I have likened it to a fight between a cub scout troop and a professional soldier. Again, the kids will get in their licks, but standing in place and trying to fight them is a losing proposition.

The Jedi Archives


The True Teachings I: Heir of Darkness
Igyman

A half breed Yuuzhan Vong seeks the Valley of the Jedi

The style is adequate, and the basic idea sound. More care should be taken on punctuation, since you put a comma in the second paragraph of the second chapter in the wrong place.

I my not be up on the genre as well as I like, but I thought the Yuuzhan Vong were force-blind. They also, if i remember correctly, did not trust anyone that could use it.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Darth Havoc and the Sith Infinate Empire
Reverance

44 years BBY, A Jedi hunts smugglers, and finds revolutionaries

The timing would place this right about when Palpatine was still only a senator, and before Anakin was found. The style is adequate, and the basic idea very well done, but there are editing problems. Nothing major.

The only problem I had was two freighters attacking two picket ships in this manner. Merchant cruisers by definition are not built to the standards of warships in structural strength. While say a destroyer can take several hits from a larger warship One survived four battleship salvoes at the Battle of Samar) even that small vessel would be able to slaughter the merchant vessel. The scene would have been better laid out if a merchant (Or pair) were to take off, have the warships stop them, then attack while they are distracted.

Search for Ko Sai: Hidden
PeaceofStar

During the Clone Wars after the battle of Kamino. The search for a missing Kaminoan scientist takes the clone trooper searcher right back to where he doesn't want to be.

The style is crisp and clean, and the subject perfect. For those who have read the Republic Commando books, the Null troopers who became ARCs are a well known commodity. Short, but worth the read.

The Resurgent Desparity
Ironsideroger

20 years after the Battle of Endor. A lost Imperial fleet finally gets it’s orders.

The story is confusing more because the author jumps from place to place, character to character without really giving you time to keep up. None of the characters that are the central focus are adequately delineated except for the one Imperial commander. The wrong words are used several times, but that is an editing problem, not bad writing.

All in all, an intriguing piece.

kotorfanmedia

The Light Side female Revan section I have been mining is down at present, so instead I went to the light side female exile. Hopefully I will return to those grounds with my next review.

However as you can see below, it was worth the detour...

Hindsight
arrow

Set in KOTOR II: A look into The Exile’s past

The story flows smoothly, the subject matter well defined and delivered. The idea of a Jedi trying to explain how he made an engine explode accidentally was choice.

Too often, even in my own work, we see the characters as stolid adults either trying to right the wrongs they have committed, or saving the Galaxy from another. We tend to forget that these were kids at one time or another.

Understanding
Rhiannon

The period right before the end of the Mandalorian Wars. A lover’s triangle finds itself part of yet another triangle.

The style is well done, the work well worth reading. The idea that a man whose love is unrequited may be doing the same to another is not new, but is very well portrayed. One of the best short pieces I have read in the last year.


Loyalty
Rhiannon

The Exile during the end of the Mandalorian War; How do you deal with someone changed so radically by war?

An extremely short piece that follows the above one. The inner turmoil of what to do when a friend has changed drastically by a war will reach to any of us that have had to deal with that aftermath.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
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Old 10-27-2006, 12:59 PM   #438
Diego Varen
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Please don't stop reviewing mach. We all love them. Oh and happy anniversary.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:01 PM   #439
igyman
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My first review and not even too bad, considering that's the first fic I wrote. Thanks for taking the time mach and I'm looking forward to the reviews of the sequels.

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Old 10-27-2006, 02:05 PM   #440
Jason Skywalker
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Hey there, thanks for the reviews Mach! I also considered of making the Two Exiles story a bit more complexed and such.
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