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Old 11-17-2006, 11:53 PM   #481
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmethystWolf
Good evening! Author here; I just stumbled across your comment in my email, and I wanted to say thank you for your thoughts. And thank you for your bit critique as well; if you had any other thoughts, I'd enjoy seeing them. You've made my day, sir.
(I'm assumimg you are a gentleman because of your chosen name, pardon me if I'm mistaken)

Always glad to hear from those I speak of. As for gender, yes I'm a man, though I haven't been called a gentleman in the last decade or so...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 11-20-2006, 02:10 AM   #482
JediMaster12
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Now you can see that chivalry isn't dead yet mach.

Again good reviews. I have read a few that you have reviewed from KFM and I find them to be entertaining. I personally enjoy the attempts at brevity during the seriousness of TSL.

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Old 11-20-2006, 09:53 AM   #483
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Now you can see that chivalry isn't dead yet mach.
Nope, just badly wounded.

As I said, KFM has a lot of excellent writers, and there are times I can't choose one.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 11-20-2006 at 10:22 AM. Reason: fixed quote tag
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Old 11-20-2006, 03:59 PM   #484
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Mach, thanks for all the reviews for my fics. I might update them later so I can fix them.

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Old 11-21-2006, 09:08 PM   #485
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Anyone willing to help me in my fic? I just need an editor. PM me if you want to help. Sorry if this is the wrong place.
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Old 11-22-2006, 12:04 AM   #486
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kas'!m
Anyone willing to help me in my fic? I just need an editor. PM me if you want to help. Sorry if this is the wrong place.
Sure, kid. Send it to my email address. If the system still says you can't, PM me and I'll send it to you.

But don't expect me to jump right on it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 11-24-2006, 11:58 AM   #487
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Once Friends, Now Enemies
pottsie

After TSL: Revan and an old friend face off.

The style is not too bad, Pottsie, but the thing to remember is that short fiction is supposed to finish, not leave you hanging. Who won the fight?

Apprentices: A Legacy of the Force Fanfic
Tysyacha

Based on two novels in the Legacy of the Force series from LucasBooks

The style needs polishing, but beyond that, I didn’t find a lot to complain about.

Sigh, Another time I wish I could read it all.

Revan's Second, Redeemed
Tysyacha

Unfinished intro into TSL

All I have to say, is why didn’t you finish?


The Jedi Archives


Love and Tranquility
Mr. BFA

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: On Dantooine Revan makes a decision.

A short piece, but poignant. The style needs some smoothing out, but it was good and kept my interest.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Hand of Thrawn: Penelope
Violetlight

During the rise of Admiral Thrawn: The Empress visits a damaged base.

The style is a bit stilted, but that is a polishing problem more than anything else. Keep up the good work.

Technical note. If the aging figures given in several books were accurate, the original clones of the 501st would be in their eighties. There was no mention in the books of further cloning operations that I am aware of except for the small number of clones made in the Admiral Thrawn series which would have been aging at a much faster rate.

Dark Times Serial
Bendu

After the raid on Coruscant which starts ROTS: A young Jedi is sent on a mission

The style is good, the pacing well thought out, and the interplay excellent.

Possibilities
nefertiti

About six years before ANH: A lead up to the Rebellion seen from a number of different perspectives.

Except for some editing, spelling, and using the wrong words (such as assignation
instead of assassination) the piece slowly and surely leads you toward the coming war. Excellent work

kotorfanmedia

From the light side female exile index.

The Broken Lightsaber
skypilot

As the Exile tries to repair a lightsaber, she gets help from Bao Dur.
The story is an interesting vignette more for the explanation of how a lightsaber is made, and the idea that a crystal supposedly changes to match the wielder. The explanations for the malfunctions are linked to this, and are worth looking at.

Bonds Broken, Bonds Forged
starphire

In the words of the author: Very short, very Bao-Dur-centric

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it was subject matter more than anything else. The work is excellent.

I don’t know if the authors of the game had considered a romance between these two characters, but I say go for it.

Always
Jaden Firestar

One year after KOTOR: A forbidden love leads both the Exile and Revan down different paths.

There were problems with word usage, but nothing that a good editing job would not cure. The story is interesting, and the byplay explaining the shared pasts of both Revan and the Exile helps in understanding their characters.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-24-2006, 05:06 PM   #488
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Thanks for the review mach. Perhaps I like to leave you all hanging. Looking foward to more reviews next week on the 1st December 2006.
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Old 11-26-2006, 10:12 AM   #489
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I read Always. It was an interesting fic considering that you don't see what may have happened before the events of KOTOR and TSL.

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Old 11-26-2006, 12:11 PM   #490
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
I read Always. It was an interesting fic considering that you don't see what may have happened before the events of KOTOR and TSL.

One of the reasons I like doing these reviews is because maybe you might get interested in reading some of the other stuff out there.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-26-2006, 08:23 PM   #491
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I know. I wonder if there are people who realize this? Anyway, you are a valuable resource mach. Your stuff's not that bad either.

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Old 11-26-2006, 09:34 PM   #492
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Thanks for the another review, Mach! And i also agree with JM12. I've read KOTOR Excerpts and The Beginning and Republic Dawn. And they were an enjoyable read.

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Old 11-26-2006, 10:37 PM   #493
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Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested?


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Virgin Sands | Final Breath (Editor's Choice 2006)
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Old 11-26-2006, 11:55 PM   #494
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Thanks for the reviews, mach! I really appreciate it!
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Old 11-27-2006, 01:45 AM   #495
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambrose
Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested?
I believe mach reviews the oldest Fics in the Forums at the present time. One of his many posts in this Thread explains this is more detail though. I believe your first Fic was reviewed Ambrose.
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Old 11-27-2006, 10:07 AM   #496
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambrose
Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested?
I started with the bottom on all sites when I began reviewing with the idea that I would get the newer stuff eventually, as I have. As it is by January I expect to be reviewing just two sites because the Galactic Senate only has about a dozen left that I haven't reviewed.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-01-2006, 12:48 PM   #497
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The hunt for the greys.

Ali Gelmar

No specific timeline given: A Jedi returns to the Academy for assistance.

There are spelling errors, problems with word usage (Cutting someone in half at the wait instead of waist) and you haven‘t been using quotation marks or punctuation correctly. Also you have to remember that every time a different person speaks, you need paragraph breaks.

So far in the universe, I have not seen Gray Jedi except in fan fiction. Is it possible that you guys are reacting to the fact that you’re either perfect and a light side or not and are considered Dark side?

The Galaxy Is Yours
Master Jimmy

Tony Montana of Scarface meets Star Wars.

Grammar and spelling problems, and you keep jumping tenses from past to present. It makes it confusing. You also make the mistake most kids do when going from RPGs of calling a sword dagger etc a melee weapon. Read my article in the expert forum on weapons.

Jimmy, people use curse words when they can’t think of anything else to say, and don’t care about being polite. Try to be a little more polite.

The Adventures of Jaden Lennon
Pottsie

Interim between KOTOR and TSL: The Exile tries to survive his exile.

Some grammar errors and it needs polishing. The basic story is good, but treating a Republic cruiser as a transport doesn’t really work. The transport driver tapping his horn was a bit much.


The Jedi Archives


The True Teachings II: Forbidden Knowledge
igyman

During the Yuuzhan Vong war: A half human half Yuuzhan Vong boy learns the dark side

The basic story is good, and it primarily needs polishing and rereading.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

AU: Star Wars: Darth Yoda:
Darth Grivis

In an Alternate Universe, Yoda falls to the dark side.

The language is stilted, and needs some polishing. A few grammar problems, but again, nothing that editing will not cure.

Star Wars: The Rise of Darth Plagues
Darth Grivis

Alternate Universe: The teacher of Darth Sidious makes his own run at emperor.

Too short to really call, though the writing is good. The fight scene is stilted, but that is an editing problem.

Star Wars: The Rise of Desann
Darth Grivis

Set during Jedi outcast: In an alternate universe, Desann wins

The scenes are good, but you’re forcing the story along instead of letting it flow.


kotorfanmedia

From the light side female exile index.

Parallax
palmetto

Set in TSL: A brief interlude aboard the Ebon Hawk

The story is like a good beer, refreshing going down, a smooth finish, and leaving you wanting another. Very well done! 33 people gave this a thumbs up.

Pazaak Keeps Me Sane
JediExile TK421

An alarming look into Atton’s head.

I was disturbed by this work. It was good, but the interplay inside Atton’s head made me feel uncomfortable.

Then again, it was supposed to, so the author did some good work.

The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR-style

Charys

The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on.

Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this.

I like it!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-01-2006, 01:07 PM   #498
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Thanks for the review mach. And I agree that the Adventures of Jaden Lennon wasn't the best thing I wrote.
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Old 12-01-2006, 01:09 PM   #499
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Review number two and again I passed. Woohoooo!!! Thanks for taking the time once again, mach, and I once again look forward to the reviews of the remaining two parts.

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Old 12-01-2006, 11:40 PM   #500
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How..rediculous? I guess there must be some 'active' rule in order to get a review..

Please see the Why Haven't you reviewed me! sticky for more information on how to get reviewed. --Jae


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Old 12-02-2006, 11:40 AM   #501
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Quote:
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How..rediculous? I guess there must be some 'active' rule in order to get a review..
No such thing. I do them in sequence from bottom to top, RaV.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-03-2006, 01:03 PM   #502
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Personally, I enjoy these review posts whether or not I got reviewed in them because they have links to great FICs I probably would have otherwise missed. The first two in the most recent review from KotOR fan media promted me to play as a female PC for the first time ever... the romance options are just plain hilarious lol.


My Fan Fics
Virgin Sands | Final Breath (Editor's Choice 2006)
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Old 12-08-2006, 10:03 AM   #503
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Beauty and the Scoundrel
JediMaster12

After TSL: Sometimes the best way to get people together is with a little force...

There are some words usage issues, but nothing major. The basic idea as one of the characters said is as old as time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

The True Teachings III: Slumbering Army

igyman

97 years after the Yuuzhan Vong war in the time of the second empire: Ralik
sets out to activate the star forge created by another conquering race.

The basics of the story are well done, thought the work needs polishing and editing.

The idea that the Rakata had actually borrowed (Make that stolen) another’s technology is interesting. My biggest problem with the ‘HK in the modern world’ syndrome is as I mentioned to others is that a droid from 4,000 years ago would have to be rebuilt from scratch.

Darth Revan - Return of the Dark Lord
pottsie

Alternate Universe at the end of KOTOR: Revan moves to prepare for the final assault as the survivors of the Ebon Hawk prepare to resist.

The style is improved, but the work needs polish and embellishment. The style at present is dry.

The Lost of the Jedi
Dark Lady

A short fic, no specific time given: Sometimes the Jedi isn’t perfect...

An excellent piece. The author ended it and wonders if she should continue. I say, yes!

Imperial Commando Tie-In Story
Jackisonfire

First language usage. It isn’t ‘us’ commandos it’s ‘we’. The work is abrupt, but considering who is speaking, that doesn’t not surprise me.

My one complaint is technical. This looks like the trooper’s eye view of the running fight scene in ANH. The problem I have with this is there is no verifiable canon to support a continued supply of clones after the Revenge of the Sith 20 odd years earlier. Kamino was supposedly razed, and the facility on Weyland from the Admiral Thrawn Chronicles won’t be found for several years. Could someone find out?


The Jedi Archives


Survival of the Bombardment
Maverick5770

The bombardment of Taris by the Sith from the survivors point of view.

The scene was not set as well as might have liked, a failing I have on occasion which is why I suggest rereading and polishing.

Technical note: the Star Wars universe doesn’t use shells for projectiles that I have noticed so far. Missiles and plasma bursts mainly. Of course this is 4,000 years in the past for the Canon, so it might be acceptable.

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: The Second Sith War
Master Jimmy

The work starts and stays abrupt. This is a polishing and editing problem. One minor note. Correct language usage would be ‘Malak, Jaden, Bastila and I were found’.

Technical note: Marko Ragnos has been dead for 2000 years. Wouldn’t that make Gan a descendant rather than grandson? After all, an average human generation is only 25 years.

STAR WARS The War of the Dead
Darth Grivis

Follow on to the other works.

The style is still a bit stilted, and you’re trying to force the story along. Let it flow. That way your reader is pulled along, not shoved.

Technical note. I really don’t think a three or four bladed lightsaber would work, primarily because you would have more problems assuring it isn’t your parts that fall on the floor. With a blade between half a meter and a meter long, you would not have the reach to use it without personal danger. As a throwing weapon with delayed activation possibly, but you only had the character throw the Y blade.

There is no emotion...
RC1162

Alternate Universe: Anakin assists the Jedi in removing Palpatine

The style is pure RC, and the story a bit abrupt but still good.

Technical note: Even under martial law or extreme power, there is always someone who would have taken over. As an example if Hitler had died in an accident in 1940, he would have been replaced by Rudolph Hess, and if he died during the bomb plot of 1944 he would have been replaced by Hermann Goering. Both had been named successors. There is no reason for Yoda to have to take command.

The Way of Darth Vorges
Darth Grivis

30 years after the War of the Dead: Darth Grivis’ son joins his father.

Again the style is too abrupt. The fight scene was well done, but there is no explanation as to why the ship caught fire.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

I have reached the last posted story on the Galactic Senate with this review. I will check it periodically (Once a week) and when new stuff is posted I will critique it.

To the edge of night:
92se-r

Alternate Universe Sequel to "Rise of the Empire": The Organa family goes to Coruscant for Empire day, causing problems for young Leia.


The style and story are excellent, and the work flows.



kotorfanmedia

Atton’s Redemption, Chapter 1
Silvershadow
During TSL: Atton struggles with his feelings for the Exile.

The style is just a bit stilted, but it does flow well, and that is only a polishing problem anyway. Definitely worth a read.

Desanni Mikhail: the wound of the Force, Chapter 1: Malachor’s Aftermath

Jedi Knight Salazar Gothoda

In the aftermath of TSL: The crew begins to relax after their ordeals.

First, avoid really long paragraphs. A paragraph is supposed to cover one subject. Second, the explanations of the three Sith Lords and how the Exile had freed herself were good, and the relaxations of the players as time went on in their return trips were also good, but you seem to lose track of where you wanted the story to go after the second paragraph. This is not a complaint, it was just as a reader you were a bit confusing. These are minor problem fixed by rereading and polishing.

release
gekkeiju

During TSL: The Exile spends Atton’s last moments of life wishing it had been different.

The author grabs you by the throat and drags you along in this piece. My only real complaint is that it is so short. 20 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree.

In your dreams, Part 1
gekkeiju

During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past.

gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read.

Need Any Company, Exile?
Despiva Kaioh
At the end of TSL: Atton and the Exile in the Traya Center

The style is a bit choppy, but the scene is well laid out, the interplay interesting.

The interplay is like two old friends, neither of which is really willing to admit their feelings. Atton’s last line is perfect for the character as I visualize him.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-08-2006, 10:51 AM   #504
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weehoo! thanks for the review, Mach.
for the Yoda thing, i always assumed that Yoda was the overall second in command of the army, seeing as how he was the Grand Master and that he and Palpy both had to agree to an operation or mission or campaign. at least on paper. thats why i made him take command.
and about your review of igyman's fic. i will explain how the 4000+ year old droid is still funtioning at that time in the ending of my Assassination Protocols fic.


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Old 12-08-2006, 12:48 PM   #505
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Quote:
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weehoo! thanks for the review, Mach.
for the Yoda thing, i always assumed that Yoda was the overall second in command of the army, seeing as how he was the Grand Master and that he and Palpy both had to agree to an operation or mission or campaign. at least on paper. thats why i made him take command.
In an actual dictatorship or strongman government, it would make sense. If Saddam had caught a 1000 lb bomb in 1991 the lead general would probably have had to take over. But the situation from what i saw was closer to the US during WWII. George Marshall (Head of the JCS) was not sworn in, Truman his vice president was. The head of JCS is something like number 35 0r 40 in the event of a catastrophic war.

That was why i dinged it on the technical level. I admit he would do the job efficiently, and step down as soon as someone was appointed in his place.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RC-1162
and about your review of igyman's fic. i will explain how the 4000+ year old droid is still funtioning at that time in the ending of my Assassination Protocols fic.

The circumstances of how it was shut down and stored is what I was looking at. If you dumped a droid out of the airlock, and it merely ran out of juice, someone could come by 4 millennia later and power it up again. But if you have atmosphere, there will be corrosion. I don't know enough about electronics but I do know that the circuitry is actually weaker than the outer casings of a robot. When it goes it will corrode. In a couple of decades if we ever get off planet I expect the lunar lander and cart to be almost pristine, but the Viking lander will be toast.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-08-2006, 01:38 PM   #506
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Ah, my third review. And the best one yet, according to mach. W00t!!! Once again, thanks for taking the time mach. One more to go and I am really looking forward to that one, seeing how I invested the most time in that fourth part. After that review is done I might ask you to do a review of my one and only shortie, but all in due time (and over PMs).

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Old 12-08-2006, 01:42 PM   #507
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Thanks for the review mach and I'm glad to see that you're reviewing more Fics for the Christmas season. Looking foward to more.
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Old 12-08-2006, 02:00 PM   #508
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Thanks for the review mach. That piece bit me in the rear as I tried to come up with a good story for the unexpected pairings challenge on KFM. That piece actually is supposed to hint at some things for my WIP Heart of Deception at least with a certain redhead and scoundrel. I value your criticism mach and it gives me the confidence to continue writing. Thanks.

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Old 12-08-2006, 03:05 PM   #509
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I just happened to check and I have three in the top 10 views.

Unfortunately. one of them (The highest ranked at #2) is my critic's column.

(Grumble)


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-13-2006, 01:40 PM   #510
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
The circumstances of how it was shut down and stored is what I was looking at. If you dumped a droid out of the airlock, and it merely ran out of juice, someone could come by 4 millennia later and power it up again. But if you have atmosphere, there will be corrosion. I don't know enough about electronics but I do know that the circuitry is actually weaker than the outer casings of a robot. When it goes it will corrode. In a couple of decades if we ever get off planet I expect the lunar lander and cart to be almost pristine, but the Viking lander will be toast.
Ah, mach, but I did mention in the chapter of HK's and T3's reactivation that their plating and some of the parts were brand new.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slumbering Army, Chapter I
spoiler:
''Will do, Riggs.'' Geordy said, ''As far as my preliminary analysis tells me, there's not much to do with those droids except replace their plating, the current one is a wreck and they wouldn't last long moving aroung with it, in fact the new parts I ordered should have arrived today. If all goes well, those droids will be running around in no time.''
You must have missed that one, but I don't blame you, since you do read quite a few fics within a week and things simply get forgotten.

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Old 12-13-2006, 06:41 PM   #511
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Quote:
Originally Posted by igyman
Ah, mach, but I did mention in the chapter of HK's and T3's reactivation that their plating and some of the parts were brand new.

You must have missed that one, but I don't blame you, since you do read quite a few fics within a week and things simply get forgotten.

I didn't miss it. However, think of the dry cell battery they think they found in Iraq dating from 2500BCE. Do you think you could plug it in and make it work?

A dry cell battery is a very simple device in comparison to even the first microchip.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-14-2006, 07:13 AM   #512
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Thanks for the reviews Mach, the 4 bladed saber was oringinly made by Sabretooth in Jaden Korr-Darth Qollous

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Old 12-15-2006, 12:54 PM   #513
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The True Teachings IV: Fate of the Future
igyman

Conclusion to the series

Problems with language usage and spelling (It is shone not shined) but most of what I see wrong is editing and rereading problems. You are pushing the story forward, but at the same time, there are gaps that bother me. Almost as if you are building a false front set, but leaving gaps in it so the audience can see the emptiness beyond. If you’re not sure what I mean, watch a play named Our Town, because it is done in that manner.

A lot of people tend to give their Sith Dark Lords names that have an actual meaning (Note Lucas never did. Sidious rather than Insidious) but at least you have fun with it by having a string of them killed in the same manner their names implied.

Star Wars: Achaicus
The Doctor

No specific time given: Three ships investigate an anomaly.

Well written, some typos and editing problems, but nothing that a reread/rewrite won’t cure.

The style is closer to Star Trek than Star Wars. I think the problem is that we don’t get to see this side of the Star Wars universe that often.

DARTH VADER in "Heads Will Roll!"
Tysyacha

After ANH: A comedic look at Vader after the Death’s star’s destruction

My only problem with this was spelling.

I don’t know what I expected, but this was not it. I started reading, then laughed hard enough to scare the cats that think my desk and computer are their beds. The piece is amusing in a slightly heavy handed manner, but still choice.
Jedi Forces Preview
Pottsie

The style is pretty good, and it flows well.

Considering you tossed in a chunk of II, shouldn’t this be a prequel rather than a prologue? Nice work showing changes and why.

Histories
Darth Terros

set during the interim before TPM: A friendly card game.

There are spelling problems, and some editing needs to be done, but not much.

The story is interesting, however about 30 years ago I sent in a story to a magazine, and the editor lambasted me at that time because of the setting. Like I did you used an ‘inn’ as the setting. As much as he complained though, I couldn’t see why it upset him.

The Jedi Archives


Star Wars: The Way of Corruption and the Rise of Tyber Zann's Empire
Darth Grivis

Set during TESB: In an alternate universe, a crime lord makes a bold move.

The style is starting to firm up, there are spelling and word usage errors (Threw instead of through) but nothing editing would not cure.

The problem I have with this is technical. Very few criminal organizations would spend the time and money necessary to build an entire mercenary fleet and army. The number of actual mercenary fleets I can find historically can be counted on the fingers of one hand with digits left over. Plant maintenance alone (The money necessary to maintain the ships in operational readiness) is extreme, which is why the last such fleet went out of vogue almost 200 years before Ironclads were built. Even mercenary armies were always small for the same reason. The largest one I can recall is the 10,000 from Anabasis, and even that was a coalition of mercenary units, not a fully integrated army.

Plus as much as George Lucas seems to think everything will fall into line once the emperor dies, I have seen too many historical rebellions collapse because of communication delays and sheer bloody-mindedness.

Star Wars: The Way of Bendak Starkiller
Darth Grivis

Set during KOTOR: Bendak Starkiller retires.

The piece was good and flowed well.

The situation is well done except for the audience being close enough to actually interfere. In Star Trek Voyager they had an episode where Seven of Nine was kidnapped and forced into a gladiatorial conflict, and the promoters ran the entire op with the fighting done in an arena with people on screen. having an audience (Especially a betting audience) close enough to interfere would not work. If you don’t believe me, think of a soccer match with an armed audience.

Star Wars: CSI Nar Shaddaa Episode 1
CSI Nihilus

Set after KOTOR II: A crime drama Star Wars style.

The style is good if a bit bland, but crime dramas usually are.

It’s interesting how you assigned duties.

Alternate universe, Darth Bastila - Power of the Dark Lady
Pottsie

At the end of KOTOR: Bastila make a move to beome the Lord of the Sith.

Mainly the problem with this work is the flow. It sort of limps along. The fight scenes are not choreographed, and read wrong for some reason. It needs editing and polishing.

The basic story is good however.

Drunken Moments-Shortie Fic
JediMaster12

After the battle of Onderon in TSL: A drunk Jedi and her scoundrel.

Except for some word usage problems, the piece is excellent. Before you ask, I am not talking about drunk-talk. Using them wrong there is pretty much standard.

JM12 did the one thing I had never considered with my version of the Exile. Have her so terrified of a relationship that the only way she’d kiss him is drunk. The scene is reminiscent of the one in the Mummy.

kotorfanmedia

The Language of Love
Seraterranova

Set approximately a year after the Star Forge: Some in depth look at Telosian society, Revan’s reaction to it, and what really happened.

The work is well done, the in depth look at the character is sublime, and the end a definite giggle. 24 readers gave it a thumbs up, and I understand why

Interludes: Tatooine
Wook

During KOTOR: An irritated Revan let’s Mission fly the ship.

Except for some word usage problems (An editing problem) the piece flows.

Most people concentrate on the sexual and romantic nature of a relationship. This one makes you look at the other sides, such as what happens when you tick that other person off.

Message from the Heart
Darth Meatbag

After KOTOR II: The reuniting of the exile and Atton.

The piece is a slice of life that tells a great deal not only about the exile, but Carth and Revan as well. Very well done.

The True Sith, Chapter 1: The Hawk Takes Flight
mrthingyx

At the end of KOTOR II: Atton learns to let hims self go with the force.

The scenes are well laid out, the action fast and furious. Very well done.

Kriea: Revisited
Darth Ramsis

At the end of KOTOR II: After the climactic battle, the exile discovers a holomessage from Traya.

The style is good, but the work needed some editing. The word usage was jarring, like a rock in a placid river. All in all a good piece.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-15-2006, 01:12 PM   #514
igyman
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Ah, the review of the last part. I must admit, I didn't expect the language problem to be that bad in this part, but I guess I missed quite a few stuff when I originally edited the fic. What's done is done and all that's left is to be more careful in the future. Thanks once again, mach, you really did a huge job. Now, I think I'll PM you about reviewing that last fic I wrote (it's a shortie, wooo!!).

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Old 12-15-2006, 01:44 PM   #515
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Thanks for the reviews mach. Both Fics weren't my best ones.
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Old 12-15-2006, 02:13 PM   #516
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Thank you for the review Mach. It's an honor--or isn't it?




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Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66
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Old 12-15-2006, 03:13 PM   #517
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Yes it is an honor CSI.

Thanks mach. It was my intention to use the scene from the Mummy. It is slightly differently from the edition on KFM. I know I had some problems with word usage and didn't think about it. Hey, that's an author's lot: to constantly re-edit their work. Again thanks for the review mach. That was a fun piece to write about.

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Old 12-15-2006, 04:44 PM   #518
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Yes it is an honor CSI.

Thanks mach. It was my intention to use the scene from the Mummy. It is slightly differently from the edition on KFM. I know I had some problems with word usage and didn't think about it. Hey, that's an author's lot: to constantly re-edit their work. Again thanks for the review mach. That was a fun piece to write about.
I could tell you had fun with it.

I haven't done the same thing primarily because my Revan ended up with Bastila and my Exile bonded with Brianna. I had the Echani as empathic, so you bond with the person you feel most comfortable with. Ask Jae onasi for the scene where my exile scared the bejusus out of Brianna.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:16 PM   #519
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Thanks for the reviews Mach. How close our you to be done with all your reviews?

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Old 12-15-2006, 05:51 PM   #520
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Grivis
Thanks for the reviews Mach. How close our you to be done with all your reviews?
A year an a month or so ago, I would have said I could keep up. However, consider this:

When I began, the lucasforums CEC was less that two pages long. When I added the Galactic Senate it was five pages long, and the kotorfanmedia 'light side Revan' was 15 pages long.

In the last year look at LF. Now consider that Galacatic Senate is now 11 pages (But I finished it!) and the LS Revan is 27 pages.

Does that answer your question? As the old anthropologist comment states, 'Known observation changes the subject', I'm making more work for myself just standing here!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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