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Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
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Old 01-22-2007, 08:02 PM   #561
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSI: Nihilus
OK, thank you again, Mach. Do you have any book about weapons? I need to study them to write CSI fic...
I have a copy of a book entitled Weapons authored by the Diagram Group. It covers every major weapon or weapons system since the club of the American Indians up to and including nuclear chemical and bioweapons.

If you are hung up on something, send me a PM.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 01-23-2007, 03:01 PM   #562
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Dunno if this is relevant, but a 7.62mm round has a fairly astounding recoil.

Hurts like hell, and to avoid pain and barked skin, the wearing of thick clothing is generally advisable.

Obviously, the larger you are, the less this is true, but for someone fairly thin, this is an issue



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Old 01-23-2007, 04:01 PM   #563
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth InSidious
Dunno if this is relevant, but a 7.62mm round has a fairly astounding recoil.

Hurts like hell, and to avoid pain and barked skin, the wearing of thick clothing is generally advisable.

Obviously, the larger you are, the less this is true, but for someone fairly thin, this is an issue
Recoil is not an issue in SW because the projectile is gas expelled at high speed. Even if it were a factor, the expulsion of 2 grams of plasma (Equal to a 5.56mm bullet) is miniscule in comparison.

All of the 7mm+ rounds (From Spanish 7mm up to German 7.92 and French 8mm) were designed with the same idea in mind, the use of accurate long range fire by the soldier. The Assault rifle has never matched the battlefiled capability of the 30.06 or German KAR98. Even the French Lebel is more accurate at long ranges (400 meters or more) than even the recent generations of the ARs.

Assault rifles have effective ranges of up to 500 meters, but are expected to be used at ranges under 150 meters. They are light and have lightweight cartridges because 'rock and roll' is something they are designed to do.

But no, recoil is not an issue.

I wish to apologize to Darth InSidious because I should not allow real life to interfere with what I feel is my primary role in this site; that of a teacher.

I should not reply in a manner than makes them feel denigrated, and should at all times act as an adult, something I am old enough to require, yet young enough to react negatively too. In that I do owe him an apology.

I am old enough to remember when a man named Jim Baen, who at the time was just the editor of Analog giving me three pages of crap about my basic idea, and should always remember; I am better than that


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Last edited by machievelli; 01-24-2007 at 08:15 PM. Reason: apology
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Old 01-24-2007, 08:18 PM   #564
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Mach: good reviews as always and I have bent my willing mind to reading a few of the ones you have suggested.

Thank you. It's nice to know someone is paying attention to the writers I have held up for more attention,


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 01-24-2007, 09:18 PM   #565
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An explanation of my apology

I am not much for explanations, but this deserves one. To properly explain, however a brief bit of personal history.

Back in 1977, before most of you were even born, I was 24 years old. I had just written a novella (Now a novel length) story entitled Odyssey. [Yes the one you might have looked at in the Outer rim story bank]

At that time, I sent a query to Analog in hopes of selling it. As an aside, my ex-wife at that time was a woman that believed that if I was writing, I wasn’t paying her all of the attention she was due.

After three months I got a reply. I do not have that letter now, but the gist of it was;

The idea is stupid, the very idea that you thought I might be interested was stupid, and if you ever learn how to write, let me know. Until then shut up.

As any of you here would understand, this, to a neophyte is devastating. I accepted my wife’s idea that maybe I could pay more attention to her, and stop writing for a while.

That ‘for a while’ lasted for the remainder of our marriage, six years. I still have not even sent the story out for fear that another publisher would be as rude. I had this vision in my mind that Jim Baen (Who at the time was editor for Analog and later opened Baen Books) would ask me for something, and I could answer ‘but you thought my work was crap back in the 70s’.

Looking back on it, he was probably having a bad day.

But as the ctritic here, my words will either foster a sense of learning, or make you stop for fear I would treat you badly.

The fact that this forum had grown from two pages when I started to seven tells you which works better.

So if I give you an unnecessary ration of crap as I did to Darth Insidious; call me on it. Maybe I was being stupid and having a bad day. At my age, I am entitled to bad days:

But not to passing them on to you.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
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Last edited by machievelli; 01-24-2007 at 09:20 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 01-25-2007, 01:39 PM   #566
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You didn't do anything of the sort

Apologies are unnecessary



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Old 01-26-2007, 12:00 PM   #567
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The Chosen One
Anakin Skywalker

Set at the start of ROTS: In An Alternate Universe, Anakin faces Dooku; with a twist.

Some words work, but don’t work well (‘Palpatine said with a his nose scrunched up.’ Would have been better with say ‘his noser wrinkled as if he had just smelled something foul’) On the whole a well done piece.

Technical: First, even if you had a prosthetic hand, it would not give you the ability to make one. Medical science is still science. You have Dooku turning to the light again a bit too quickly for my tastes though the SW universe seems to have people switching sides like demented yo-yos.

Brianna and the Telos Academy
Anakin Skywalker

Set at the end of TSL: Brianna returns to the Academy, and finds another reason for changes in her life.

The word ‘oversee’ room should be changed. I will leave it to you to find another, but control room would have been just as accurate. Other than that, and a bit of editing, it was all right.

Jedi Intimacy
Anakin Skywalker

Set after TSL: Brianna accepts a marriage proposal.

The work has been hurried almost as if every scene was another hyper-jump. Slow it down smooth it out and do more than merely introduce the characters. You mentioned both Jailin, but beyond the fact that the character is male, we know nothing else. The same goes for Diego Introduce The work needs editing, and some cleaning up, but all in all not to bad.

The LF Sith War
Darth Saruman

On the Lucasforums website: the Sith plan to take over…

The work needs editing and some polishing. The words are ‘taught’ not teached, led not leaded.


The Jedi Archives

It Is To Me
Dark Lady

Set during the Rebellion: A mercenary gains a stowaway.

Short sweet, but needs some polishing. There is little character development.

The Path to Darkness
Darth Saruman

Short, in fact a bit too short. You’re compressing the duels, and I understand that, but you’re having him go from dark to light so quickly, it makes your head spin. No noticeable introspection, ‘just I’m the bad guy’. There are some spelling errors and editing problems as well.

Jolee's Gizka
JediMaster12

Set during KOTOR: A man and his gizka

The story is short and fun to read.

Betrayal by Force
Darth Aida

The story needs to be polished and edited. The basic idea is all right, but it drags.

kotorfanmedia

Revelations
Lord Revan

During KOTOR: Revan deals with Carth’s reaction to the revelation.

Some word usage problems. You also left words out of some sentences (One did not be a Mandalorian to be attacked in one’s sleep) but this is an editing problems.

The basic idea as a short fic is rare. Most go for a big battles, and ignore the small ones. In my own fic I had the entire crew spend about two chapters of angst on this revelation.

All in all pretty good work.

Revan’s Dark Follower
Revangoddess

Set after TSL: Revan returns to known space.

You’re being more wordy that necessary. (she didn’t dare kiss the burning sands of Tatooine, not unless she wanted to burn herself in the process of kissing the ground.) cpuld be reduced and made simpler to read by deleting the last four words for example. There are some words used incorrectly (There instead of their, that kind of thing) these is an editing problem, nothing more.

Introspection is always good for the reader. Too often characters (Anakin in ROTS comes to mind) make decisions that have little or no bearing in what is happening around them. You avoided that trap with this look into her soul.

Very well done.

Drowning, Together
Fish

During KOTOR: As Revan struggles with her own pain, Carth tries to think of a way to help.

All in all very good. There are editing problems, during the last conversation you forgot a conversation break, but rereading and editing is part of the process.

Well done.

Tis the Season
Vlork

A visitor aboard the Ebon Hawk…

The story was all right, and funny, but…

The basic idea has problems, which I addressed last month at Lucasforums
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...3&page=3&pp=40 post 118.

For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old.

You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 01-26-2007, 02:04 PM   #568
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Thanks for the comment mach. That one I thought up of at the last moment for the DCC at KFM. For some reason I had a hard time thinking of something involving gizka though I was amused by the idea of a pet gizka. I thought there may have been something seriously lacking when I wrote it but I'm glad you found it fun.

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Old 02-02-2007, 11:11 AM   #569
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Lessons of War
Grey Master

During Mandalorian Wars and Battle of Dxun; A young Jedi gets his first taste of the darker side of war.

First, remember that you need to put punctuation at the end of conversations, Second, edit, reread and rewrite. You used the wrong word in a few places (Sighted instead of sighed) but as I said above, that is an editing problem.

The basic story is good, and you were willing to get in the mud with the grunts, so I don’t see a reason to complain.

Into A Dark Night
Kristy Kistic

No specific era given: A survivor wanders through a devastated ship.
Not much to it so far, but what there is was relatively well done.

Technical note: On a ship it is passageway (Hall) view port (Window) hatch (Door) and in Star Wars it’s clearsteel (Glass). Of course, I’m the guy who got a nasty note from an ex-girlfriend and returned it corrected and graded.

Darth Wyyrlok II
Kotor if

No specific era given; A Dark Lord speaks to himself.

Not much more than a prologue. I’d prefer to have more before I make a value judgment.

My first attempt (Be Gentle)
JediAthos

Set during the Jedi Academy:

A few problems with word usage (and assignment rather than an assignment; teding instead of tending) but this is an editing problem.

All right everyone, what is my constant mantra? Repeat after me; edit, reread, and rewrite’.

I have only one thing to say about the work on the whole;

If this is your first attempt, why have you waited? It’s pretty good!

The Jedi Archives

Prophecies of the Dark: Part I - Son of the Sith
KotO[Revan]

500 BBY:

Some word usage problems (Resulted him should have an in between them as in ‘resulting in him’) and a problem with double negatives and too many words. The sentence (There was nothing not ordinary about the room, but there was nothing fascinating about it either. It was a lone room, meant for guests by the looks of it) would have been better if you had merely said ‘the room had all the personality of a hotel room’ because that is what you are implying. But this is an editing problem. See above reference to JediAthos.

On the whole it was good, but editing and polishing will make it better.

The Dark Trooper Project
Darth Saruman

During the Imperial Period: A data pad with information is used to make a new clone.

All right, no real need for editing, the basic idea is sound, but not for a short story. Rather it should have been used for a longer piece.

Technical note: According to Canon, there were no clones made after the originals from Kamino until the Dark Empire set of books where Grand Admiral Thrawn found the Emperor’s facility on Weyland. Second, while Timothy Zahn wrote the set before the Attack of the Clones, canon (Which must go by what Lucas writes) states that the clones made on Kamino aged at approximately four times normal, meaning the scientist you have making them is looking at a project at least 3 years long before the kid is even old enough to evaluate.

Until it Sleeps
AkumaSF

After TSL: In an Alternate Universe Revan plots revenge

Some editing problems (Jump when it should be jumped) but (repeat after me) that is an editing problem: Reread, rewrite, and edit.

I didn’t like the ending, but I’m that kind of guy.

Gizor Dellso's Victory
Darth Saruman

After ROTS: One of the escapees from Vader’s elimination of the CIS high command has an ace up his sleeve…

Some editing problems (‘Bow stopped to replace his ground armor to the normal Imperial Pilot suit’. Should have been written ‘Bow changed out of his armor into a pilot’s G suit’.) some spelling problems (Explosians is spelled explosions)

Again, this would have been better as a longer work.

I am sure you noticed that I avoided the illustrated work and the poetical works of JM12. This is not because I don’t like them, but poems are not something I am good at editing and correcting. When it comes to artwork, I have to fall back on Doctor McCoys ‘I’m a doctor, not an art critic!’

That’s because I am a literary critic.

kotorfanmedia

A Gift of Forgiveness
RogueLadySabyne

At the end of KOTOR: Carth finds something that eases the pain of losing his wife.

The story is excellent, and the subject blindsides you, but real life is like that. Well worth the read.

The Gift Of…
AWilson

At the end of KOTOR: As Revan lays in a coma, each of her friends say goodbye.

The ending was stock, as was the basic idea.

After saying that and probably breaking the authors heart, I have this to say; It was GOOD! Well worth the read.

19 readers gave it a thumbs up and 13 reviewed it before me. Does that tell you how good?

The Greatest Gift of All
ocelott

In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Bastila give a gift of Revan’s past.

I can’t say anything bad about the story. Not a word. It is poignant and makes you want to weep for the characters, and feel happy for them at the same time.

I’m not the only one to say it either. 24 people gave it a thumbs up.

A Kotor Carol: A Gift for Revan
Revangoddess

A year after Darth Revan regains her title: The revelations from A Christmas Carol ala KOTOR

What can I say that 16 thumbs up hasn’t already?

You did what I tell people to do with a seasonal story. you left out all of the Christmas references and still told one hell of a story!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 02-02-2007, 12:39 PM   #570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Of course, I’m the guy who got a nasty note from an ex-girlfriend and returned it corrected and graded.
The pen is mightier than the sword!


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Old 02-02-2007, 01:39 PM   #571
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I am sure you noticed that I avoided the illustrated work and the poetical works of JM12. This is not because I don’t like them, but poems are not something I am good at editing and correcting. When it comes to artwork, I have to fall back on Doctor McCoys ‘I’m a doctor, not an art critic!’

That’s because I am a literary critic.
That's alright mach. I'm just happy if you post if you like them or not in their respective threads. To me poetry is interpretation of the real world. In the case of my diddies, it is merely humor and poking fun. The fact that you mentioned them sends a warm feeling through my central processing unit...wait I'm not a droid!

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Old 02-02-2007, 06:51 PM   #572
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
The pen is mightier than the sword!
Terry Pratchett commented twice on that old axiom. One version is 'The pen is mightier than the sword if the pen is long and sharp and the sword is short and dull' the other was 'Which do you want someone to poke you with?'

The woman in question was trying to put a 500 mile distant guilt trip on me, and really ticked me off. She didn't write again, so i think she got the message.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 02-02-2007, 07:00 PM   #573
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Originally Posted by machievelli
Terry Pratchett commented twice on that old axiom. One version is 'The pen is mightier than the sword if the pen is long and sharp and the sword is short and dull' the other was 'Which do you want someone to poke you with?'
lol, got to love him.
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Old 02-02-2007, 09:28 PM   #574
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Quote:
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lol, got to love him.
Next to robert Heinglien, he is my most quoted author.


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Old 02-03-2007, 05:52 AM   #575
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thank you for the compliment Mach...I guess there were a few things my spell check didn't catch It actually took me quite some time to gather the gumption to begin posting my writing for the general public viewing. I've been writing since I was in high school, and I'm 28 now, but this forum is the first place I've ever actually let anyone read my stories.


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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Old 02-03-2007, 11:14 AM   #576
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Quote:
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thank you for the compliment Mach...I guess there were a few things my spell check didn't catch It actually took me quite some time to gather the gumption to begin posting my writing for the general public viewing. I've been writing since I was in high school, and I'm 28 now, but this forum is the first place I've ever actually let anyone read my stories.

Join the club. I started writing when I was around eleven. My first story, written on what i had at hand (old computer punch cards) was so bad, I want to cringe just thinking about it. I even uderstand the attitude Darth333 had when she approached me because my first attempt in 1977 to actually sell anything was met by Jim Baen as I mentioned in a previous posting. That stopped me, along with my wife, for almost 30 years.

You people here who have read more than one of my works have read more than any Agents was willing to look at, even more than any publishers would.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 02-03-2007, 10:25 PM   #577
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Well, Baen obviously doesn't know his brains from his behind, so you can ignore his opinions. You do good work, and we here appreciate it.


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Old 02-03-2007, 10:41 PM   #578
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I even uderstand the attitude Darth333 had when she approached me because my first attempt in 1977 to actually sell anything was met by Jim Baen as I mentioned in a previous posting.
Not too sure what that means and I don't remember my words then. The only thing I remember that you were all new to the forums with 16 posts on the boards and that those 16 posts were quality material


You've done a terrific job and you continue to do so Mach. As Jae said, we appreciate it a lot Thanks!
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Old 02-05-2007, 04:36 AM   #579
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Join the club. I started writing when I was around eleven. My first story, written on what i had at hand (old computer punch cards) was so bad, I want to cringe just thinking about it. I even uderstand the attitude Darth333 had when she approached me because my first attempt in 1977 to actually sell anything was met by Jim Baen as I mentioned in a previous posting. That stopped me, along with my wife, for almost 30 years.

You people here who have read more than one of my works have read more than any Agents was willing to look at, even more than any publishers would.

Actually, it was reading Republic Dawn and Jae's Adventures of Jolee Bindo that inspired me to go ahead write my first fic. Now I'm working on three different ones at once


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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Old 02-05-2007, 10:32 AM   #580
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediAthos
Actually, it was reading Republic Dawn and Jae's Adventures of Jolee Bindo that inspired me to go ahead write my first fic. Now I'm working on three different ones at once
There is no greater praise for an author to know they inspired someone. Keep at it, kid.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-05-2007, 10:37 AM   #581
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth333
Not too sure what that means and I don't remember my words then. The only thing I remember that you were all new to the forums with 16 posts on the boards and that those 16 posts were quality material
You've done a terrific job and you continue to do so Mach. As Jae said, we appreciate it a lot Thanks!
Your comment was that you wanted a critic, but not one who would cut their legs off and make them feel bad. When I look at the people who said go away in the poll above, I notice that only two (I think) have been reviewed. One were upset that I had put the wrong name on the review, and even after that I didn't come down on him like Mjolnir.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:45 AM   #582
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Hey mach, this may be a complete stupid and useless question, but im too lazy to check for myself ... Im just wondering ... have you reviewed The Second Coming of Evil, yet? I remember talking to you about it, and i 'think' i sent it to you via e-mail, but im not sure whether it got through or not (mind you, this was like 6 months ago i think).
Anyways, just checking

(Great job with the reviewing by the way)

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Old 02-09-2007, 01:17 AM   #583
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Hey Mr_BFA, you don't mind if I answer do you? No mach hasn't reviewed The Second Coming of Evil. mach has reviewed both Talk About A Vacation and Love and Tranquility, but not TSCOE. I myself am looking foward to that review, since I've enjoyed TSCOE. Looking foward to more reviews mach.
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Old 02-09-2007, 02:18 AM   #584
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Hey mach, this may be a complete stupid and useless question, but im too lazy to check for myself ... Im just wondering ... have you reviewed The Second Coming of Evil, yet? I remember talking to you about it, and i 'think' i sent it to you via e-mail, but im not sure whether it got through or not (mind you, this was like 6 months ago i think).
Anyways, just checking

(Great job with the reviewing by the way)
No I have not yet done it. Part of my problem is that the last six months has had a lot of real life problems which have caused me to have little or no spare time. Having to relocate in the next couple of months will not help this. But I do have a copy of your work on my computer, and I will review it this next week if at all possible.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-09-2007, 02:35 AM   #585
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Okie dokie, i hope the problems were sorted out well. Whenever you can get around to it is fine with me, its not a life or death situation after all

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Old 02-09-2007, 11:25 AM   #586
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9 February

Coruscant Entertainment Center

I’m doing two extra from CEC and kotorfanmedia because I have finished the Jedi Archive. If there are not at least four for me to review next week, I will increase both kotorfanmedia to seven each starting next week.

Legacy of One
Reclaimer

Set according to to the author between 2500 and 2000 years before Yavin: A dark lord of the Sith gathers power.

The writing style is interesting as is the premise. Not too bad.

Canonical note: This the only time I have ever seen someone use the equivalent of a grimoire in the series. Aren’t you mixing genres a bit here?

The Lord of Pain
Topsite

Set before and during TSL: The story from Darth Sion’s view…

The basic are here, and with a little polishing, it will be excellent.

Technical note: As a sailor, what you suggested, getting Sion aboard the ship completely undetected is next to impossible. No, I take it back, with a ship that has an active boat bay, it is impossible. Either the bay is sealed, or it is open. If it is sealed, you can’t get aboard. If it’s open, you have a crew on duty. Second, while ships do have blind spots, they are not all inclusive. As an example, submarines have an arc approximately 5 degrees wide directly behind them called the baffles, where they can’t detect an eney or missile. However outside of that arc, any modern sub would detect you, and the launch bays would have to be in a well-protected area, which the stern is not.

Third, when Sion was found supposedly wandering the passageways, the first thing they would have tried to do is ID him. The instant they knew he wasn’t a crew member, they would have ordered a full scale alert, found his ship, and put much better security then they had in the game.

Just my military training screaming ‘wait a blasted minute’!

It would have been better to have his ship adrift. That way, getting him aboard is something the crew would have done as a humanitarian gesture.

Honour bound
HappyMojo

Set during the interim before KOTOR
The style is a bit stilted and drab, but nothing a quick polish won’t cure. I’m guilty of it myself at times. All in all good work.

Remember that when you have a speak continue talking, but the subject of the paragraph changes, you need to mark the new paragraph as a continuing conversation. As an example;
‘It defines our reality and binds our life together with more then what we see as crude matter.
”And those who wield the force are able to grasp the path of either oblivion or everything.

Technical note: A safety on a firearm is almost always a switch, so the word is redundant.

Unknown Knowledge
AkumaSF

The scene aboard Leviathan.

Pretty much every nasty comment has already been made, kid. I agree that you could have been more adventurous instead of following the game almost rote, but there are some scenes in my work that are just as hidebound.

Remember to edit before you post (I know, I know, I make the same mistake).

Echo of the Republic
The One The Wayne

Ten years after ROTS: Imperial Clones fight against clones made for the Republic.

First, the piece is too short to really judge. It read up until the last posting as more of an outline than an actual story.

On a technical note, you can’t be a renegade unless you have sworn an allegiance yourself. It is like defining the Apache under Geronimo as renegades because they refused to accept the peace signed by Cochise. Like a lot of negative terms for people (Including War Criminal) people use it without considering what the word means.

By definition Malak and Revan were renegades, but the exile, who had been punished for her crime, was not. Understand?

Silence and Darkness
Torthane

No specific time given.

I didn’t see anything that unorthodox about the work. It was enjoyable, and well worth the effort to read. Very well done.

Technical note: How does something that projects a packet of energized plasma have a recoil?

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Crossroads of the Force
Fish1941

Alternate Universe 17 years before the battle of Yavin: Follow-on to the Corellian Connection,

Some improper word usage (malnutrition instead of malnourished) and double negatives (I cannot think of no finer companion.) But these are editing problems. The work on the whole looks good.

kotorfanmedia

A Gift for the Future

Amber Penglass
In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan gives a gift to her husband, and sets in motion the events in the Phantom menace.
The style is good, especially the gentle teasing of two lovers. This has received 12 thumbs up. Definitely worth reading.

Execution
Revangoddess
At the end of KOTOR: What if you failed defeating Malak on the Star Forge? What happens next?
The style is good the subject excellent. Most people don’t consider that there are more than one way to lose in reality. The subject matter alone makes this well worth the read.
13 people gave this a thumbs up, an even better way to judge it is that 22 commented.

Storm Warnings
CyberCat

During TESB: Darth Vader resurrects his ancestor Revan.

The style is good, the story interesting. Well worth the read.

Technical note: Assuming the Republic had a dating system to our modern day one, Revan would have been alive in the 19990s until about 20050. Without a convenient central point (Such as not having a year one in the Christian calendar) every other dating system works by reigns of monarch, that kind of thing. For example you wouldn’t mark the battle of Thermoplae as 2592 before the present year rather than 485 BCE.

Canonical note: Han Solo was made General until ROTJ. During this period he was still merely a smuggler named Captain Solo.

Come What May
DarthRevanRedeemed

The battle of the Endar Spire with a slight comedic twist.

There are times even in the most serious situations where humor strikes. The author hit me between the eyes with this line; (Liz walked over to the Sith with the sword protruding from his head. She stepped on his chest and pulled it out. Then she grimaced. “Look at that! I’m never going to be able to use it again! His armor BROKE IT!” She replaced the sword back in the Sith’s head,)

I actually read past it, stopped, went back, and read it again. A literary double take. Not many people people have commented so far, but I have this to say;

This is your first fan fic? Write More!

Prologue: Into the Dusk
tWiNkLeT

After KOTOR: Revan leaves but not without regrets.

The story is nicely done, and the way it ends is really good. It doesn’t follow canon, since Revan had both HK and T3 with her when she left, along with the ship itself, but I wouldn’t have noticed it if someone hadn’t gifted me with a copy of TSL back in July for my Birthday.

Rise of the Fallen
Grimrabbit

In the period approximately 20 years after TSL: Revan face a new threat.

The basis is good, the story well conceived though the style is a bit stilted, as if the author was having problems thinking of how to say it, a rare thing with GR.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:06 PM   #587
Diego Varen
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Thanks for the review mach, it's been a while. Not my best review, but not my worst. Thanks anyway and the Archives haven't had much going on has it?
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Old 02-16-2007, 01:39 PM   #588
machievelli
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I haven’t let Real life interfere with this duty except when my computer bit the big one. But today I must say I did. I finally felt my creative juices flowing fully for the first time in almost two months, and began a novelized take off of some Japanese Animation I found last month. Iwas working on a story and it was going really well (Try just under 120 pages in four days) and I suddenly realized I hadn’t even cracked the site to start.

For those who might be interested, the manga is entitled Pretty Face. The main character is in a bus accident, was mutilated, and is believed to be dead. He wakes up a year later, and the off the wall doctor who fixed his face used the picture in his wallet.

Unfortunately, the picture was of a girl he loved…

How he ends up pretending to be her missing twin sister might interest some of you. Check it out here;
http://www.mangaspot.com/prettyface.php

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Chronicles of Crianna Oc're
Bob Lion54

There is no review because this week I had totally zoned on getting the column done, and every extra click I had to do would have taken me minutes I cannot spare against my deadline. I’m asking the author to send me a copy via E-mail and I will review it next week or whenever I have it.

Guys, as an author I know you mean well when you send me links (Hit this to go to the work) but when I’m working on something all you do is delay me. It’s like playing phone tag. I hate it, so I beyond the first call, I don’t play.

Betrayal and Retribution: The Week of Shifting Sands
stingerhs

Set before the start of the clone wars: As a Jedi tries to get over recent events, a strike runs into strike breakers.

The work drags a bit, but the plot is subtle. The explanation of why you have old fashioned hard-rock miners with such technology is lovingly detailed. The view from both management and labor at their problem is excellent.

Passion of the Sith
Quanon

Set during the Jedi Civil War: Two adventurers explore one of the tombs on Korriban

I like the scene where the reptilian character has a discussion with the Hssiss dragon. Most wouldn’t have considered it.

Remember conversation breaks. Even the best writers forget to do it occasionally, but you have one entire massive paragraph at the start where it is at least five minutes of dialogue. You should check your punctuation, since you have space between words and punctuation marks. It might just be a personal affectation but from the reader’s standpoint, especially one who knows editing, it makes my hand itch to run a global and correct it.

The Past Secrets
Darth Saruman

Sequel to The Battles in the Unknown Regions:

The basics are good, and my only complaint is technical. The charge you are doing, while right out of the movies, is as the old saying goes ‘grand, but is it war?’

I think I’m going to have to post an infantry assault article…

A "Thrilling" Duel (Badfic #6)
Tysyacha
The fight between the Twin Sun pai and Atton, sort of.

I laughed all the way through it, especially the complaint about rushing the game into production. Very well done.

Grunting Gamorrean Guards! (Badfic #5)
Tysyacha

The guards have their own say. Of course that doesn’t mean they really had anything to say…

It was nice to worn me that spelling and grammar were an option. It made it even more funny.

Lost and Found
Rogue Nine

A Jedi finds her strength as her master dies.

First attempt? I’ve seen so many; But not many as good from the start. You tend to do fight scenes well, the emotional content for the character comes through well. Just one teeny little complaint:

The term is cloven, not cleaved in two.

The Jedi Archives


Heroes of the Republic: The Post-event Interview
Jae Onasi

I just hate post game interviews. They’re almost as bad as the talking heads who have to explain what the president said. But the piece is funny, and the style typical TV commentator.

New Rays of Life
JediMaster12

Set After KOTOR: Carth comes home in an emergency to find something unexpected.

What can I say, JM12’s work is always nice to see, and fun to read. Well done.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Shadows of the Jedi
Swamprat Jedi Knight

I had the same problem with this work that I enumerated in the first posting this week. When the author gets back to me, I promise to review it.


Assault on Nicrix
One with many names

Set in the future beyond the present day series of books.

Some problems with spelling, but I assume that was more the problem I have, of thinking faster than I can write, though the author did use ‘piece’ instead of peace. It’s not a good thing to know that the problems you have to day will be repeated ad nauseum somewhere. But it is fact, and a harsh reality. As a writer who learned story telling in the old Celtic style, I applaud it.

SPOOF: The Sithlycrumb Younglings
Darill Cyllem

I had the same problem with this work that I enumerated in the first posting both of this week’s column and this site. When the author gets back to me, I promise to review it.

The Tangible Crux (an alternate history)
Kam Solusar

Alternate Universe” When the Republic failed to get the plans for the Death Star, the Rebellion almost collapses. But three years later, Biggs Darklighter goes to ask a friend named Luke Skywalker if he can find Ben Kenobi.

kotorfanmedia

Coruscant
Chemist Owns

After KOTOR: Two people share their nightmares.

The scenes were well done, the style crisp and clean. The problems Jedi have with close relationships is a constant foil to the romantic interest, and the author plays upon it well.

The Widening Gyre, Prologue
Greengrass 1914

Set between KOTOR and TSL: Revan dreams, but is it a dream or a meory long suppressed?

The style is good, the dream clear and crisp. The idea at the end, that maybe it was a memory that now spells danger was surprising but a good surprise.

The Gizka Problem
Walruseater

Set during the KOTOR mission to Korriban: The pied piper with a twist…

The story only surprised me because the people who wrote the game hadn’t even considered the problem. Very well done.

The Former Dark Lord Among Us
Walruseater

Set During KOTOR: As they leave Tatooine, Bastila learns to lighten up just a little and Carth makes a verbal faux pas.


The scenes are just as good as the previous work I read today, and the interplay of the dialogue was very well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 02-16-2007 at 04:21 PM.
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Old 02-17-2007, 08:18 AM   #589
Rogue Nine
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Thanks for the encouraging review, mach. I fixed the mistake and am working on a new chapter, so hopefully it'll be up soonish.

And I've actually read Pretty Face as well, so it's a pleasant surprise to find out that you're working on a novelization of it. I'd really like to have a look at what you've, if you wouldn't mind. :3




have a suggestion for the lf poll? pm me
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Old 02-17-2007, 01:47 PM   #590
Tysyacha
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Dear mach,

Thanks for the fantastic reviews! Even though those two were two of
my (in)famous "badfics", I'm still glad that you took the time to analyze
them. By the way, if you're interested in my two best finished fics
that haven't been reviewed yet, here they are...

"Vtoraya Smert'"--http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=173086
"Ya--Yevo'"--http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=167972

Again, "M", thank you "00-so-much" for reading and reviewing my fics!

--Tysyacha
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Old 02-17-2007, 02:40 PM   #591
Grey Master
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
The basic story is good, and you were willing to get in the mud with the grunts, so I don’t see a reason to complain.
I just saw this, thanks mach for pointing this out, I'll try to make it better. I wanted to make a story about the underdogs in the Mando war, and how it affected everybody.
And to anybody interested in beta reading my work, just pm me. Thanks again mach.

Please see the Beta volunteer thread. You should PM them to ask for help, not the other way around. --Jae

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 02-17-2007 at 03:48 PM.
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Old 02-19-2007, 03:04 PM   #592
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. I value your opinion highly and it has helped me in my quest to be a good writer. I actually have Jae to thank for some dialogue issues that I had in previous drafts. Thanks again.

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Old 02-23-2007, 12:43 PM   #593
machievelli
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23 February

Coruscant Entertainment Center

For anyone who hasn’t read my newest work in the Outer Rim, You would not see the same thing if you read it now. When I posted it the first time, the work was complete and came in at 164 pages. Before Jae reluctantly agreed to let me post it (Afraid I’d get a negative reaction because at first sight it would look like Slash) it had grown thanks to editing and rewriting to over 184.
I have finished my fourth full edit, and it is now almost 210.

See, reread, rewrite, and edit. It works. Sometimes it gets smaller and tighter, sometimes it rips it’s way out of the cage and runs away.


The Chronicles of Crianna Oc're
Bob Lion54

As asked for, BL54 delivered.

A young imaginative girl looks to the future on Dantooine.

So far so good. The author has told me it is not complete, but I’d like to read the entire thing when it is.

Some word usage problems (Relived, rather than relieved) and the usual editing problems. But nothing rereading and editing won’t cure. The style is simple, but since it is written primarily from a young girl’s view, I allowed for that.

My star wars book.
Darth Aida

No time period set: New students dive into their curriculum, but other problems are on the horizon.

I think every negative thing someone might say about this work has already been said before I got here. Every bit or constructive criticism has also been said.

Kid, don’t worry about the people over here in CeC. I think I’m about the meanest of the lot and no one had told me to ease down yet...

In His Service, or "Ya--Yevo'"
Tysyacha

As the Clone war rages, a young Padawan worries about the thought within her own mind...

The work is well done, and the homey touch of the girl washing clothes on her own was interesting. We get a depth you usually don’t get in a Star Wars character, because most are already linked to a specific job or duty. You ‘assume’ a soldier is this way or commando, or even Jedi.

Logs of a Commando
Darth Velrogh

The records kept by a Commando during the clone wars

The style is stilted, but these are personal records kept where no one is supposed to see them. Oh, and it’s dwindling, not twiddling when numbers are falling.

An interesting piece all around.

The Jedi Archives

What He Truly Was
Mr BFA

TSL: The fallen Exile plots his revenge on the galaxy

The story flows well, a few editing and word usage problems (A problem is borne, not born) but all in all good work.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Last week I requested that Swamprat send me his docs to save me some time. Sithlycrumb younglings was not sent, but the author gave a reason I accepted as valid.

Shadows of the Jedi
Swamprat Jedi Knight

No specific time given. Assumed during Young Jedi series: A Jedi collects students, and these are submitted for our approval.

Some places where you are over- wordy the phrase ‘after they landed and acquired the new student, that they would not leave at least for a day, to secure provisions, cargo, and construction materials for the uncompleted Jedi temple.’ Would have been better edited to ‘Even if the student did not delay them their departure would wait on loading supplies for the still uncompleted temple. You see, we don’t need to know what supplies they are unless they are linked to what is occurring. Such as having the student help with unloading, or something has been hidden in it, that kind of thing. No biggie.

You also tend to make run on paragraphs, but this is something easier spotted in editing. I know I do the same thing even having run on chapters that are twice as long as they need to be, so just take it from someone with the same problem.

Most Impressive
Darill Cyllem

A meeting between smugglers with some amusing twists.

The writing style is good, there is not as much characterization as I might like but it is sufficient unto the day, and the situation while stock is well portrayed.

I enjoyed the view of crime, and dividing those who work within that system because the analogy is accurate. The thieves we love to read about are the dashing debonair cat burglars or master thieves and lovable rogues.

Darill is the author of Sithlycrumb younglings as well, and this piece though it is short gives me an idea at least of what I am missing.

kotorfanmedia

Outside of the Mysterious Box
Joysweeper

Alternate Universe: One of the quest situations is the mysterious box, what if you lost?

The style is good though the timing is a bit vague. The idea refreshing, the writing excellent.

Seisouhen: After So Many Years Have Lapsed
CyberCat

Seven Years after KOTOR: Revan fallen into a deep depression, is found by friends from the Ebon Hawk.

The style is a bit confusing at the start, but once the writer takes the bit it flows very well. The dissolution of Revan is done well enough that you know something is seriously wrong, but you are left with a nagging question of why. Thought provoking.

Technical note: Since Mission was fourteen when she met Revan, you made a slight error by saying she had visited Manaan at 16 unless it was a later visit.

Tika Dane: Cleanup, Chapter 1
MystDragon

At the end of KOTOR: Revan would prefer you not call her that. She makes a break to become herself, but others seem to know her so well...

The writing is excellent, the ‘running away’ feeling sublime. Well worth a read.

The problem I have seen with any story actually, is that ‘and they lived happily ever after doesn’t really mean that. I learned to tell stories in the Celtic style. The Celtic style says this about Happily ever after. ‘That every week they spent two days loving each other. They spent three with one of the other not feeling well, but love brought them through. They spent one day upset for one reason or another, and one day when they had screaming arguments.’

I have to agree with the character. With the choice of either running away or being molded by others, which would you take?

The Fury of the Sith
Aelis

Set before the Events of KOTOR: A Telosian girl faces the destruction of her world and kidnapping.

The style is good, but there are some editing spelling and rewriting problems. For example scaring instead of scarring. You forgot a few words. ‘I had used a blaster for eight years, but I felt as if should use more’ makes no sense unless you add ‘it’. Since I have the same problem (Few of you will ever see my completely unedited work) I am only pointing it out.

Excellent work.

Freeze, Organic Meatbags!
Walruseater

KOTOR: the raid on the Sith Embassy on Manaan. What could go wrong? You had to ask...

The work is well done, the story more farce than anything else, but I happen to like farce. The ‘getting in too deep, and being rescued scene reminded me of Tom Bombadil from The Hobbit meeting the dwarves and Frodo not as a cohesive group, but as parts of a story Gandalf was telling. Very funny.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-23-2007, 09:02 PM   #594
Tysyacha
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Again, mach...spasibo tysyachu raz! "Thank you 1,000 times!"
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:44 PM   #595
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tysyacha
Again, mach...spasibo tysyachu raz! "Thank you 1,000 times!"

You're welcome.

Interstingly enough, I cannot find an online Russian to English (In roman letters) except for one of slang. I will eventually be able to curse in that language, but not hold a polite conversation.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:58 PM   #596
Bob Lion54
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Thanks for the review!

hehe, now I'm trying to find all my typos.

Thanks again, machievelli!


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Old 02-24-2007, 12:14 AM   #597
JediMaster12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mach
Kid, don’t worry about the people over here in CeC. I think I’m about the meanest of the lot and no one had told me to ease down yet...
I have trouble believing that mach. Your critiques while a little on the strict side are invaluable. I think that from the many comments of people thanking you for your comments and critique, it is apparent that you are not what you claim to be, the meanest one of the pack.

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Old 02-24-2007, 01:19 AM   #598
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob Lion54
Thanks for the review!

hehe, now I'm trying to find all my typos.

Thanks again, machievelli!

Kid, when I posted the first part of Mirror of My love, Jae commented that I used your'e in stead of your.

Even knowing where it was it took me until today to find it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-24-2007, 04:08 AM   #599
The_Catto
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Thanks for the review mach.
I wasn't sure whether to use born or borne. I'll go and do the ole' switch-a-roo, then.

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Old 02-24-2007, 03:23 PM   #600
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Thanks for the review mach.
I wasn't sure whether to use born or borne. I'll go and do the ole' switch-a-roo, then.
The primary problem with English is all of the homonyms. Don;t worry, I do the same thing all the time. That is why I try to edit before I post.

Of course, as anyone who has read my distant past SW novels can tell you, I do forget on occasion.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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