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Old 05-07-2007, 08:26 PM   #641
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
I'll do that, but I may get them out of sequence accidentally....my apologies to anyone if I do.
Mach--I just sent an email with everything in the Jedi Archives since your last review with one exception. Let me know if there are any problems.



Those 2 songs make me want to go postal, preferably on the singers/songwriters of those 2 songs.

If they're out of sequence, sobeit. I will deal with that when I recieve it. As for the songs in question, my reaction would have parralelled Ren from Ren and Stimpy if someone started signing it within reach of my hands.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-11-2007, 02:05 PM   #642
Jae Onasi
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Note by Jae: machievelli sent this, and I'll add in the relevant links as I go along, but I thought you wouldn't want to wait to see the reviews.

machievelli says:

May 11 hopefully
The situation is like being stuck in movie quicksand. My landlord is
demanding that I pay my rent in one lump sum, when that means the belt
gets tightened on me, not him. Considering moving if A: I can qualify,
and B: don’t have to beggar myself to do so. The primary advantages
of the other place, is a phone and TV installed (I have been watching one
channel occasionally. Since it is the ONLY channel I get) and it’s
about a C note cheaper. All of you older people are saying ‘maybe he
should’, and the younger are saying, ‘so?’

Well a C note is 100 bucks or 13 hours of work before taxes. Try to
convince your parents to just give it to you. Let me know when they
stop screaming.

Thanks to Jae Onasi, we have a pile of stuff from the Jedi Archives. I
am going tro send her the compiled copies of my archived articles with
instructions how to winnow through the Coruscant Entertainment Center
so next week’s will hopefully be just from there.

The Fight is Over by Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe: Emperor Darth Vader gains a new apprentice, and
sends him on a very important mission…


First, I have always hated the idea that someone is just going to fall
all over themselves to go to the dark side. Vos’s volte face from
Jedi to Sith was as unbelievable to me as Anakin’s in Revenge of the Sith
even if Anakin had better reasons.

Language usage, it is 'their pilots', not 'there pilots'. A minor thing easily
corrected.


The Fight is Over by Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe: Asajj Ventress meets Darth Vader for a surprise
offer.

Language usage. You have Anakin/vader using modern contractions, which
I have not noticed in his speech in the movies. If I am in correct
about that please let me know.

As for the allies, you didn’t give us enough information about them.
Yuuzun Vong? Rakata? Ss-rusk? It left me wondering who they were.


I have passed Topsite’s poem A Marriage Proposal because I don’t
feel qualified to critique the work.

The Unforgiven by AkumaSF

Based on a song by the same name: Revan’s youth is explored.

The basic premise bothers me only in that Revan is just as violent as
Anakin, and the violence is not as readily concealed or explained. The
idea that the Jedi would ignore mass murder is disturbing to me.

Language usage: 'Making', not 'makin'; 'tools', not 'tolls'. Some other
spelling errors, but nothing that cannot be repaired by editing.

The Hardest Thing by JediMaster12

As much as I want to critique this work, I was the beta reader, so I
must decline the honor. There is part of my work here, and assisting
someone in editing their work marks it. But I enjoyed the basic story,
and hope you will as well.


Love's Treachery by Jae Onasi

Before KOTOR: Jolee’s parting with his wife.


The basic story is good, the timing of the situation perfect
considering Jolee’s age, and readily explains his estrangement from
the order. Very well done.

I was asked by Jae for a more full critique, and I will do it now. The
story flows well, and needs only some basic editing to clean it up.
The premise as I said above is good, and there is little or nothing
wrong with it.

Fade to Black by AkumaSF

After TSL: The exile makes a fateful decision.

The story is poignant and rather sad really. The depression of being
abandoned by every friend pulls at the heart. His decision of how to
deal with it was a bit surprising, but still well done.

My biggest problem is the entire vignette is a bit too short and
abrupt for me.


Beneath The Surface by Emperor Devon

Before KOTOR: A look beneath Rrevan’s mask, and how Saul was
suborned.
The scene is well laid out and explained, the seduction of Saul
Karath excellent.

Problem: A coup by definition depends on a rapid decapitating strike
which removes your opponents, and holding power long enough for things
to settle down. While Revan’s attack could be defined as a
‘rebellion’ it wasn’t done correctly and efficiently enough to be called a coup.

I assume from the capability Revan showed in beating the Republic so
handily for three years, if he (Or she) had plotted a coup, the Jedi
Civil war would never have occurred.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:45 PM   #643
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I'm slightly disappointed that my poem wasn't reviewed, but I'm okay if it isn't your area of experties. Besides, I'm glad to see some reviews again.
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Old 05-12-2007, 03:49 PM   #644
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mach
Problem: A coup by definition depends on a rapid decapitating strike which removes your opponents, and holding power long enough for things
to settle down. While Revan’s attack could be defined as a ‘rebellion’ it wasn’t done correctly and efficiently enough to be called a coup.
I actually think Revan had been plotting a coup at the start of the Jedi Civil War. The first planet he attacked was Foerost, which is practically next door to Coruscant. With the fleet he brought there and the other one he stole from the shipyards at Foerost, he would've had quite a bit of firepower and been only one or two hyperspace jumps away from it. Something must have come up to prevent him from attacking it, but it was too good an opportunity for him to pass up. By technicality, I think, he intended a coup. (Though I probably should've mentioned this someplace...)

Thanks for the reviews, btw. I appreciate you doing them despite how stressful your life sounds.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 05-12-2007, 07:26 PM   #645
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
I actually think Revan had been plotting a coup at the start of the Jedi Civil War. The first planet he attacked was Foerost, which is practically next door to Coruscant. With the fleet he brought there and the other one he stole from the shipyards at Foerost, he would've had quite a bit of firepower and been only one or two hyperspace jumps away from it. Something must have come up to prevent him from attacking it, but it was too good an opportunity for him to pass up. By technicality, I think, he intended a coup. (Though I probably should've mentioned this someplace...)

Thanks for the reviews, btw. I appreciate you doing them despite how stressful your life sounds.

The reason I commented negatively on the coup idea was this;

All Revan would have needed to do is what is going to happen in my The Birth of the Republic. You have a ship land on the Senate building while they are in session, blow it to hell. Have Revan 'arriving' as it happens, seize power immediate restore order, and have the people proclaim him/her leader.

That is how a coup operates.

With a third of the fleet directly under Revan's command, and the remainder still probably in the hands of people who would at least hesitate before fighting, it could have worked.

That is why the deposing of Somoza in the 70s (24 hours from when they attacked to Somoza dead and a new government installed was a coup, but the long drawn out two and a half month paroxysm of the Winter rebellion in Russia in 1917 was a revolt.

Oh everyone is going to love this. Jae suggested in a PM two months ago that I go out and get a wi fi card. I didn't earlier I wasn't sure enough about my finances.

The week of the 2nd of April, before I finally had a job, I had the software to download people PC on my computer, I was stopped because I didn't have a bank account, so i didn't have a way to pay to activate it.

On the 9th of that month, I finally had a job, but I now lived in a place with no phone connection. I finally get my first check, but don't have enough to get a land line. But someone else again suggests I get a wi fi card.

Okay, not I finally have the money and an ATM I can activate it. The card works great, except for one thing...

I have to use a landline to call in to activate my isp, and what did I just say I don't have in my place?

Where i come from, this would be a bad farcical scene on a situation comedy.

A pity I'm in it...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-14-2007, 12:40 PM   #646
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Things will get better mach. As to the review, it's ok. At least you acknowledged it. I should point out that it is my first attempt at a songfic and it was just one of those days when I had to get the idea out of my brain. Keep a stiff upper lip mach.

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Old 05-15-2007, 05:50 PM   #647
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Things will get better mach. As to the review, it's ok. At least you acknowledged it. I should point out that it is my first attempt at a songfic and it was just one of those days when I had to get the idea out of my brain. Keep a stiff upper lip mach.
If I had not been asked to beat read and made suggestions, I would have revieweed it, and as it stood, I would have rated it high. Don't sell yourself short.

For all ofr those who know me ore think you know me, I would like you all together to repeat, with a slight variance, the words of Howard the Duck when is pretending to read someone's mind. 'They know I'm a flake, they know I'm a yoyo'.

I was venting plasma over everyone because I had gotten the bloody wi fi card and it wouldn't work. As I was doing this, consider...

Had I changed my setup to include using a LAN?

Of course not. Until I finally rigged it up, I didn't even know a LAN and a 'wireless connectrion' were the same.

Worse yet, my days off are now Tuesday and Wedensday, and I don't get home until about 7PM. So i wasted two DAYS I could have been using to get back into harness.

So, I apologize that my column for this week might be either delayed or non-existant. But by all the gods of everyone at this site, and the Force itself, I will not miss the next one!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:03 PM   #648
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All right everyone, here's the situation. As I mentionede earlier, I have Wifi now, and that means I can get online.

Problem is, I have maybe an hour and a half a day except for friday saturday and sunday, because I have to walk six blocks fartrher and pay about five dollars to have access. After all, you go to a resteraunt or bar with wifi, they would expect you to buy something, right?

The only days I can do more are monday and tuesday, when I have the full day.
So tomorrow (Yep, monday) I will spend the day putting together a dozen of your works from CEC. I will do the same for KFM, and each will be posted separately on Thursday. I will do this until the 2nd week of June, since I am that far behind.

Again, sorry for the delay, but real life decided to bite down hard...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-24-2007, 10:23 PM   #649
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Coruscant Entertainment Center Part 1

Evan Works // Prophecies of the Dark - Part I - Son of the Sith
Koto[revan]

No time line given in chapter one. A young girl finds herself part of a Sith prophesy.

The basics are good. Some word usage and pacing problems, but nothing that can’t be fixed.

As everyone knows my mantra here…

Reread, Edit, rewrite, reread again. Repeat until it is polished and smooth.

I Never Left, I Never Will
Aurora Starfire

After TSL: In a dream, a beloved spirit gives a gift.

The style was good, smooth and crisp. The story was well done, the denouement perfect.

This is the second review for this author. I liked this one a lot.

In a world of Darkness
Darth Aida

Little or no description. The problem is; the characters are like stick drawings, with no definition. Remember that while writing is a ‘literary’ art, most readers created their own visual images of the characters. You haven’t given us anything to work with. The action scenes are too abrupt. There have been comments by others, and I’m glad you took those to heart. No go out there, write the next chapter, and take mine to heart too.

knights of the old republic 3: the search of the promised one
Light Jigi

Set 1000 years before Revenge of the Sith: A promised one arrives.

After reading the downright insulting things written by the reviewers (With only a few that either restrained others or themselves) I was appalled. Unfortunately this review didn’t arrive when it should have, about a month and a half ago. If it had, maybe you would have read this…

Serious spelling errors, however since most are phonetic, I think you have English as a second language. Talk with someone on here that can help you with the spelling. Also, use “ or ‘ for quotes. Otherwise it is confusing.

Canon Note; The legend of the chosen one was supposedly fulfilled by Anakin Skywalker. While you may complain that ‘promised’ and ‘chosen’ don’t mean the same thing, most people would accept that they could be used interchangeably.

Also, picture the people of New Guinea in the 1940s. A primitive stone age culture suddenly inundated with 1940s modern equipment, and things they had never imagined. Then just as suddenly, it was all gone again. This was the birth of the cargo cult. ‘If we build enough models of planes, the wonderful gods will return again’.

The reason I used the cargo cult as an analogy is that the Star Forge according to what is said, was created to meld both the force and matter. There has not been a book I have seen that suggested such a capability among either the Jedi or the Sith. What you suggest is similar to the modern New Guinea native, who has grown past the cargo cult level but still has little grasp of modern technology, now intends to build the entire infrastructure necessary for building maintaining, and operating a modern airliner with what he can find around him.

Diary of an Exile
PazaakPrincess

TSL: The Exile is writing in a diary…

Some spelling problems (sell instead of cell), and the time line is a bit long. I had to work it out in my head for my own work, and the entire Peragus segment of the game should have taken less than eight hours. A minor problem, I was just wondering why it is taking your character almost a week.

That aside, welcome back, and good work.

Shadow Storm
Lord Foley

Set just before RTJ: Events in the galaxy overshadow something as minor as the rebellion.

Actually the problem is that the first section is disturbing. It actually states everything Douglas Adams did in Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy but he went at it in a comedic manner. This is not an insult. Statistically nothing any one of us does will affect the universe in the slightest. That is part of the reason religions formed. When all you do is live work and die, it helps to think someone out there really cares.

All in all an interesting work up to chapter one. Let’s see some more.

Forgiveness and Redemption
Jae Onasi


During Kotor: Carth and Revan have to deal with the revelation of her identity.

Another well done work by Jae. Every complaint I would have made was covered by others.

Dvukh ("Two" or, in this case, "Second" or "Lieutenant"
Tysyacha
Co-authored by Tysyacha, Torthane, and Jae Onasi

40 years ABY: Luke gains a new student at the same time that things seem to fall apart on Coruscant.

Both Tysy and Jae have their own styles, and when it comes to quality, there is little to ask for from either.

Oh, CSI: When I did my Faerie books (Especially the last one where they went international) I intentionally used terms the people they would interact with would understand. Japanese, Greek, Nahuatl. I did it so the reader would understand that this is definitely not Kansas. When I get my characters to Russia, I will do the same. So any Russian transliterated into roman letters is a big help to me.

Is this Love?
Sabretooth

No specific timeline given: This is the question on a young Jedi’s mind…

Oh well done, kid. I took it to mean like the old Star Trek Episode where the race knew nothing of war or sex. Jedi aren’t supposed to think about that, so what if she had dragged him off and had her way with him? Would his master even understand it?

A lot of our members here seem to think a lot about possible breeding odds for different species in SW. The only two someone seemed shocked about was the misapprehension that I had meant a human/Ithorian cross breeding in one of my comments, and my own puzzlement as to why a hermaphroditic slug (A Hutt) would be attracted to a supple human or Twi-Lek dancer.

The Technician's Manual
Stingerhs

Before KOTOR: A captive gains control of a ship and revenge.

It’s been a while, and Stingerhs has just kept doing it better…

Star Wars KOTOR: Vendetta
Salzella

Interim between KOTOR and TSL: One more casualty of the Mandalorian wars seeks redemption.

The basic story is good. I wish I had time to read it all the way through. Spelling; To be assuaged is to be relieved, not struck with a problem.

Home
Igyman

Timeline not given: A Jedi Padawan decides to try his own brand of reality on the world.

The primary complaint I saw, that the author didn’t give us a name for the character is incidental to the equation. I have two personal characters from my books that could be represented in the same way, and I applaud the look into those minds.

Well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 05-24-2007 at 10:42 PM. Reason: fixed url tag
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Old 05-24-2007, 10:26 PM   #650
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kotorfanmedia

A Light from the Shadows, Part One & Prelude
Aelis

KOTOR: The escape from Endar Spire.

The style is a bit abrupt, and some spelling problems (Barracks not Baracks) but all of those are editing problems. Ther basis is good, needing only editing and polishing.

When Things Come Full Circle
Aminta Jae

After KOTOR: Carth dreams of the woman he loves, and she dreams of him.

The story is well done. You have the angst of being apart and why. The fear that perhaps what they had is no more, and the yearning to touch. Nothing wrong that a little polishing won’t cure.

Over at Kotorfanmedia this got 12 thumbs up.

A simple letter
Atris Onasi

TSL: Carth give the exile proof about why Revan fled.

The story started out as if the author didn’t know where to take it. After. Four paragraphs, it caught itself, and from there flowed, but again as if the author didn’t have a destination.

An author must have a destination in mind, from point A to point C say. If you do and the flow to the next letter makes sense, even if that is letter K, the reader will follow. Always remember that.

Consequences and Worse Ones
Fish

After KOTOR: After a suicide attemrpt, Revan must depend on her friends to convince her to live.

The basic story is old, trying to expiate your sins. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done and well. Fish did a good journeyman job on this.

He Watches
Falnangel9124

KOTOR: As romance grows between them, Carth begins to worry about the age difference between them

As a 53 year old man, I know and feel Carth’s angst here. And as such an old fart, I am amused when women sometimes treat me just as this version of Revan does.

18 thumbs up on the site, well worth the read.


REVAN’S RESCUE, Prologue - Revan’s Goodbye
HK47FAN

Before TSL: Revan reminisces about the missions aboard Endar Spire as she prepares to go into the Unknown Regions

The style is a little dray and bland, but worth the effort for the end. The piece was too short to really judge.

Indiscretions, Prologue & Chapter 1 - Izumi, Captured
Dark Jedi Princess

A combination of Full Metal Alchemist and TSL. Sequel to A Wanderer’s Destiny: Three jedi attempt the rescue of a Jedi Master.

The prmary problem with mixing two different universes is that they sometimes they do not mesh well. I know enough about the FMA universe to understand that everyone is astonished to have a cyborg using magic. But no one is surprised when Vader can choke a man with a force had from a cyborg limb.

Plus unless your reader has seen or read the FMA series, the entire premise of their version of Alchemy makes no sense. It is like reading Star Wars, then writing murder mystery set in our world and time and tossing in a Jedi with all of the implied skills. Unless the reader is into Star Wars, they won’t understand or accept the character.
To understand the problem, remember that when Gene Roddenberry was working on the first Star Trek pilot, he wanted to see how the ‘green Orion’ make up would work. But every frame shot came back flesh toned. After over a week he finally discovered that a helpful lab technician thought it was a problem with the film, he had been ‘correcting’.

Kat’s Kotor retell Prologue
Kattalez

Before beginning of KOTOR: Carth and Bastila get off on the wrong foot at a dead run.

The basis of the story is good and the treatment of characters interesting.

The idea that Carth sometimes dabbles in assassination is just as surprising as having Bastila act like a ‘Jedi Princess. Yet done in such a manner that you can see them falling into the roles.

Conditional Chapter I
Darth Felicitous

After TSL: As Revan returns to Coruscant to Seek Carth, Carth may have other plans…

The story is well trodden before, but well done even so. Primary problems are word usage. Footsteps cannot be aghast, as they have no emotions. You do not give a beseech, you plead.

Mainly needs editing and rereading.

11 readers gave it a thumbs up

Promise: Chapter 1
Lady Revan

KOTOR at Korriban: As Revan lays injured, Carth fights with his treatment of her aboard Leviathan.

I’m not much into romances, but the scene and the story as told here is excellent. 32 others gave the author a thumbs up, and so do I!

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Shadows of the Darkside
Darth Kronos

Before KOTOR near the start of the Mandalorian Wars; Chased by a street gang, and fighting Mandalorian spies, a young Jedi finds that is the least of the problems with this mission.

Some word usage editing and grammar problems. ‘The Hive was a street gang called the Red Bantha’s turf.’ Should have been written ‘The Hive was on the turf of a street gang called the Red Banthas.’

But all of the problems are editing, nothing more. The story is well done if a bit wordy. Worth a read.

Mandalorian Wars- Tales from Both Sides: Fight for Freedom
Delasaer chval

Set starting near the end of the Mandalorian wars. A pair of siblings end up on different sides of the war

Forgetting words. The sentence ‘Spice hidden in shipment of Kolto,’ needs an ‘a’. Some misspelling (mage instead of made) but everything wrong is just editing problems. The basic story is good though.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-24-2007, 10:46 PM   #651
Jae Onasi
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Whew!! That's one big bunch of reviews. Thanks for all the work on these.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
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Old 05-25-2007, 01:23 AM   #652
Diego Varen
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Whew!! That's one big bunch of reviews. Thanks for all the work on these.
Agreed. This makes up for all those weeks of no reviews. Good work mach.
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Old 05-25-2007, 09:46 AM   #653
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Thank you very much for the review! I really appreciate your taking the time, particularly when you've been so busy.


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but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars.
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Old 05-25-2007, 11:34 AM   #654
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My, thanks for the review on my Feb 07 entry!


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Old 05-25-2007, 11:16 PM   #655
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As I said earlier, I will continue at this rate until mid June. Then I will go back to my normal lacksadaisical style


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-29-2007, 04:00 AM   #656
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli

Honour bound
HappyMojo

Set during the interim before KOTOR
The style is a bit stilted and drab, but nothing a quick polish won’t cure. I’m guilty of it myself at times. All in all good work.

Remember that when you have a speak continue talking, but the subject of the paragraph changes, you need to mark the new paragraph as a continuing conversation. As an example;
‘It defines our reality and binds our life together with more then what we see as crude matter.
”And those who wield the force are able to grasp the path of either oblivion or everything.

Technical note: A safety on a firearm is almost always a switch, so the word is redundant.
I'll look up on the paragraph thing, but as far as the style goes... it's mine, it's my own, my preciiiousssss *someone slap me out of Gollum Mode..* :P
Thanks for the feedback btw.



Currently working on: [Fic] Honour Bound
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Old 05-31-2007, 10:56 PM   #657
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Murphyboeing the kind of guy he is, I found out about Global Jedi Day the day after I posted my last reviews.

Go figure...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Love is a Lie
Emperor Devon

During TSL: Atton’s past is revealed by a dark Exile, and she uses it…

I liked the story, because while I don’t really enjoy the darkside, I do enjoy well written versions of it. Every comment I would have made has been done in the comments by others.

As Jae said, edit and clean it up, and it won’t drag, ED.

Unrequited
Darth Insidious

During KOTOR: To love someone from afar…

I wasn’t amazed that this love story occurred. I was surprised that it hadn’t happened earlier. The two characters are the stark warriors of the group aboard the ship. The ones most likely to choose fighting as an option first.

I have to agree with the others, though DI. Way too short. How about a companion piece from the other side of the relationship?

A Rose in the Daisies
Stingerhs

No specific era given; A funeral shows the depths of one man’s love.

Except for some word usage (Lay instead of laid, to marry rather than for marriage) it is an excellent piece


For You


Jedimaster12

After TSL: Atton and the Exile look for Revan and find danger.


A few problems with the wording of sentences, kid. ‘Breathing it’s growling breathes’ suggesting that he is trying to scent them could have more easily been ‘shuffled like an angry hunting animal’.

Pretty much everything negative has already been said by others. All it needs in a gentle polish and editing to make it shine.

"I can sing and I can love"
Darth Aida

No time given: A singer tries to go solo

As a typical teen story it was not too bad. The characters need more development, especially the two lovers and the ‘bad’ guy. I just wondered how it fit into the universe, except for the location of the concert.

My biggest problem with this is something everyone else seems to have ignored…

When have you ever seen a guitar in a Star Wars movie?

The only instruments we actually see are in the hands of the bands in ANH and in ROTJ. None of them recognizable except by type, wind, string percussion etc.

Needs work, but I can say that about everything including published works.


Knights of the Old Republic III: The Unknown Regions

Topsite and Tyshyacha

Three years afterTSL: Revan and the Exile get together to face another foe…

Breaking it into separate chapters helps a lot. Two people with totally different styles. If I can keep my life straight, I think I’ll ask Tys is we can either start a new version or revive the one I’m stuck on. There isn’t much yet, but what we have sets the scene.

Technical note; A military captain does not ‘own’ his ship. He maybe ‘master before God’ aboard, but he still only commands someone else’s property. I( do know you have some people in the SW universe that do (Booster Terrick and his Star Destroyer come to mind) but that is a rarity. Historically that went out of vogue when Privateering was banned in 1864.


Revan and Exile, Sitting in a Ship...

Silentscope 001

Enroute to face the True Sith, Revan and the Exile chat…

Some spelling problems (Grude instead of grudge), and the piece is short.

I enjoyed it a lot because I enjoy comedy, even if I don’t do it that well.

Star Wars: The Loss of the Capital
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe 3 years after order 66: Vadere returns to capture Coruscant.

The basic style is good. Most of the problems are with Canon.

Canon: While the Yuuzhan Vong are now part of the canon, they didn’t arrive until a lot later than this. Both twin children of Leia and Han Solo were full fledged Jedi when they were first contacted, and that means you have jumped the invasion by almost 40 years. Add to this the fact that the Yuuzhan Vong would have to travel from the rim to the core to attack Coruscant and that is too far for a fleet as massive as what would be necessary to travel secretly.

Last but not least, the Yuuzhan Vong were totally antipathetic to the Jedi in the two books I read of the conflict. The idea that they would let Vader and Vos live, and also support their intent to capture the capital does not fit with the stereotype of the Yuuzhan Vong leaders.


Star Wars:Once Slave, Now Emperor
Darth Saruman

Alternate universe: Yet another contender for the Imperial Throne.

Short, rather abrupt.

Canon note: I have yet to read the book with the sun crusher in it, so I checked out the reference page for it at http://www.theforce.net. Until I get a chance to check out the canon on it, I have no opinions on the capability of what is described.


Rogue Commandos
Fettscommando

During the clone wars: A team of commandos are sent on a mission.

The scenes are well done, the battles clear enough to visualize.

Technical note: The average infantryman arriving on Normandy beach carried more than 30 kilos on their backs in food water ammo, etc. A paratrooper dropping on D day carried almost 50. Of course they dumped it and picked it up when necessary and all of the things I mentioned are self correcting, since you eat drink and shoot it off. Weapons (The e-web itself) would not be as easy to tote, but the 82mm mortar weighs 125 (About 60 kilos) lbs and is considered man portable with it’s ammunition because a man can carry a four round box, and the tube (The heaviest part) weighs under 50 lbs (a little more that 24 kilos).


Canon note: ‘Jedi love, but it is love of all men not love of a person’. For Wedge Antilles to be the son of a Jedi his father would have had to A: conceal his love, and B: conceal the kid from the Jedi Order and Palpatine. Not to mention the fact that Luke spent a lot of time with Rogue Squadron and he would have noticed any capability the pilot had with the force.

Not to mention that he would have been born right about the time the Clone Wars ended.


First Love, Last Embrace
JasraLantill

Before KOTOR: As Carth’s wife dies, her mind goes over her life from that first fateful meeting.

What can I say? The best I’ve seen in a long time.


Is he really a cloner?
Darth Aida

Set at the end of the Clone Wars: An unlikely clone…

Spelling problems, grammar problems, the story is a bit short. Anything else I can say?

Oh, yeah excellent work considering. The basic story is a bit hard to swallow unless the guy had enough Mandalorian blood to look like Fett.

However technical note: Considering the training and pruning the clones went through, they probably wouldn’t have bothered to bring him in. It would be easier to merely shoot him out of hand. Also, unless his DNA matches Fett’s exactly, he could have told the truth and asked for a simple blood test.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-31-2007, 10:59 PM   #658
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kotorfanmedia


Ripples
Rc773


While the Star Forge is described by many as alive, the characterization you have given what is primarily a machine is a bit distressing. Besides, if the machine was that arrogant, how did any of the Sith survive long enough to get it to work?

My main question is why is it defined as an attack on Taris? One ship (Unless it’s a Death Star or Super Star Destroyer) is not going to assault a planet. From comments made, it sounds more like a patrol ship being ambushed.

Also, we need to create a dating system that doesn’t look like 17th of August. of 25321. Since canon says ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, using Christian dating systems (August is named after Augustus Caesar after all) does not fly.


She Listens
Falnangel9124

During KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with two sets of conflicting memories, and Careth’s feelings.

The scenes are crisp and well done, the story poignant witrh how the crisis is dealt with. It has received 9 thumbs up, and gets mine too.


History Part One: Taris
NaTsu4416

Kotor during the Taris Segment: Our heroes find a way into the lower city.
Some word usage problems (illusive instead of elusive)

The author starts with ‘Revan’ and Carth much more adversarial than I am used to, however that makes the mellowing between them later that much more fun to watch. Well worth the read.


Moments 1
WinterOnasi

During KOTOR: ‘Winter’ spends a lot of time on a very special gift…


Excellent work. The scene when she has to measure her victim is choice and everything flows smoothly to a crisp finish.

Purpose Beyond Revenge
Jelendra

Pre-KOTOR: A man on the brink of collapse gets a second chance.

The story is a bit dry, but it flows well and once the main characters are together, it flows very well. Well worth a read.

Later…
Yggdrasil

Before the climactic battle of KOTOR: Two lover speak on the eve of battle

The story surprised me only a little at the start. But the author caught the nuances of the subject with a delicacy well worth studying.


A Day in the Life
Aelis

During KOTOR: The crew relaxes briefly and shares some emotional release before Leviathan catches them…

The story was a bit confused, moving one way or another but it settles down and is enjoyable.



Revan’s Final Battle
Walruseater coauthored by Starwars Chick

After TSL: Revan faces a deadly foe to rescue her love


Misspelling, (Barley instead of barely) is minor, and the basics were too good to complain. Though using such an odd way to kill a true Sith struck me as a bit ridiculous.

However read it yourself and tell me what you think…


Memories
GeneralTacticus

The climactic battle aboard the Star Forge from Malak’s view

The story flows well, going from the fight to the flashbacks through their younger lives that led the two warriors to this point. Sad an poignant.

Malak
Aminta Jae

KOTOR: Another view of the final battle and love, but now seen both through the eyes of the children they had been, and the Sith they had become before that last battle.

Aminta does something most of us don’t. She takes the nasty rotten Malak of the game, and not only makes him human, but makes him someone you are actually sorry for. Not in the ‘he could have done better’ way, but the ‘if only…’ way.

Excellent work. My pick of the week from this site.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-01-2007, 03:17 AM   #659
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I liked the story, because while I don’t really enjoy the darkside, I do enjoy well written versions of it. Every comment I would have made has been done in the comments by others.

As Jae said, edit and clean it up, and it won’t drag, ED.
Hehe, I wrote the blasted thing at 2 AM. I'm happy just to hear it dragged.


Quote:
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We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:41 PM   #660
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mach: Thanks for even bothering to read For You. To be honest that was the worst piece I had ever written. I couldn't believe I wrote it while struggling with writer's block. Personally this is one of those works that could be shoved out the airlock if it were possible. Thanks again for the review.

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Old 06-01-2007, 10:38 PM   #661
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ED,JM12, thanks for commenting. Just remember, I am not going to raise your allowances.

Both of you, whether working against not being able to sleep, or writer's block understand the problem... Sometimes you have to work through what is bothering you.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-04-2007, 01:51 PM   #662
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Since when have you given me an allowance mach?

Anyway sound advice. I put my fic on the back burner for now unless I get hit with an idea. Sometimes I just have to work with what is floating in my head at the moment.

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Old 06-05-2007, 04:32 PM   #663
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Darth Aida
Set at the end of the Clone Wars: An unlikely clone…
Spelling problems, grammar problems, the story is a bit short. Anything else I can say?
I am calling you out boy.
Quote:
The Critic Returns - Posted By machievelli
(On starwarsknights.com's news page.)
"As luck would have it I posted my last reviews ther day before Jedi Day. Just my luck they must have had the largest SW convention in history in Vegas, if rthe news was correect."
Before you comment on someone's grammar or spelling, I would take some serious steps in fixing your own. Also, when it comes to canon, these are fan-fiction pieces. They can write anything they want. Since you are the site's critic, you should know better than to not proof your work. You lost some serious credibility from my perspective.

EDIT ADDED::
I have also found some serious grammar issues in your previous review. Dated: 5.24.07.

F.Y.I.- "The Critic returns" is an article title, so you need caps on all the first letters. "The Critic Returns".



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Last edited by The Source; 06-05-2007 at 05:06 PM.
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:56 PM   #664
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He's the critic, meaning he is supposed to give feedback to both help the writer improve and help people find something they want to read, if they're too lazy to do so by themselves. If someone is misspelling something frequently they might appreciate being told that 'foots' isn't the plural of 'foot'. Also, the person reading the review might want to know if something is utterly unreadable.


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:28 PM   #665
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination
He's the critic, meaning he is supposed to give feedback to both help the writer improve and help people find something they want to read, if they're too lazy to do so by themselves. If someone is misspelling something frequently they might appreciate being told that 'foots' isn't the plural of 'foot'. Also, the person reading the review might want to know if something is utterly unreadable.
You completely missed what I said, so I will try to clearify my intentions. If he is in a position to critique a person's grammar and spelling, he should practice the same level of professionalism. Machievelli gave advice besed upon something he clearly does not practice. When it comes to his credibility, he should hold hismelf to the same high standards. His reviews are also on the main page of the website. What this means is that he should have proofed his work, so he does not tarnish the respect of StarWarsKnights.com. Someone like Jae Onasi would have done a better job, for she is very critical of her grammar and spelling. Her professionalism is top notch. When a person who is put into Machievelli's type of position, they should try not to make their eployeer look bad. Even though this is a volunteer job, people are still following his advice. Since he did not hold himself to the same standard (not to mention edit his work), he should apologize to the public for faultering. If he was in the educational system or publishing, Machievelli would have been fired for his performance. Since this is a site for fun and entertainment, Machievelli has an opportunity to fix and apologize for his errors.

Personally, I would want to learn from someone who practices what they preach, so I can feel confident in what I am assimulating.



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Old 06-05-2007, 08:09 PM   #666
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The Source has made his point, but let's continue with critiques of others' works, which is the purpose of the thread. This may well be a legitimate point but it's probably better served by going through the PM system now. I don't want to see this thread turn into a flame war, and I suspect mach's defenders will be legion, so I'm going to head it off at the pass. Further discussion of mach's grammar and spelling, or defending him, is off-topic. Please take it to PMs.


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Old 06-05-2007, 08:16 PM   #667
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Source
Before you comment on someone's grammar or spelling, I would take some serious steps in fixing your own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Source
(...snip...) hismelf (...snip...) assimulating (...snip...) eployeer (...snip...) faultering
"Do as I say, not as I do"?
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:20 PM   #668
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machiavelli has been contributing his insight to the writers of this site out of the goodness of his heart, with little to no personal gain. On top of that, he strives to deal with the situations that real life throws at him. The fact that he can juggle his hectic and busy life and still find time to read a majority of the works in the CEC and at KFM and comment on them on a consistent basis is one that astounds me. He is quite dedicated to reviewing, even submitting them by proxy through Jae when he did not have reliable internet for a time.

To pull him up for making what obviously seems like a rush job newspost and calling his dedication to the job in question is, quite frankly, extremely rude. Like you said and as everyone knows, mach's job is voluntary. He does it out of the goodness of his heart. So what if a few words are misspelled? That's easily fixable. And if you click the link to read his reviews for this month, you'll find that his grammar and spelling is excellent, as it has consistently been for as long as he's been posting for SWK. When you've been contributing as long as he has, I don't think a few typos are basis for calling his entire job into question.

In short, leave machiavelli alone. He is not going to be fired. All three of his very minor spelling errors have been corrected in his post.

Oh, and just a bit of Gospel for ya: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."




have a suggestion for the lf poll? pm me
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Old 06-05-2007, 09:53 PM   #669
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I am going to back away from the topic, for I have been convinced that I may have been too harsh. I do believe I was correct in my accessment, but I am willing to let the subject drop to the floor.

It's time to take the advice of an elder and allow this subject to end.

Peace Out.

I noted in my post above that further discussions were off topic and I elected to delete off-topic posts--I take the responsibility for that in this case. Discussion to Niner is deleted since he's not the one responsible and so it's not applicable.

Note to other members--Mama Jae has her fire extinguisher standing by, but I'll just be very unhappy if I have to use it.... --Jae



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Old 06-05-2007, 09:57 PM   #670
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Nice job!!... would like to see more!!... keep it up



"Evil is a word used by the ignorant and the weak. The dark side is about survival. It's about unleashing your inner power. It glorifies the strength of the individual."
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Old 06-07-2007, 12:23 AM   #671
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rogue Nine

Oh, and just a bit of Gospel for ya: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
*throws a rock at ian*

I thought several of the various fics were good


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Old 06-07-2007, 01:04 PM   #672
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Canon:

I have explained this earlier, but perhaps I did not make myself clear.

We did not create this world we play in here. A man named George Lucas did. Rather graciously, he has allowed us, here in the official Lucasforums site, to play with his toys, and run on his fields.


But to be gracious to his host, we have to play by his rules. We do not ruin it for everyone because of our own hubris, any more than a child has the right to break the windows at a neighbor’s house.

But as one of the senior (As in older) writers here, I see it as teaching children to learn and grow. We can tweak it, we can edge it outward, and we can have fun with it. We don’t smash it ‘because we’re kids’. The first thing you must do, is teach them to respect the property of others.

To write fan fiction, you have to be so deeply immersed in the genre and universe that you want to play with it and tweak it, for I don’t see ‘fanfic’ as derogatory. I want every one of these kids to get better, to become more than they dreamed possible, and everyone I see taking lessons to heart and pushing out and doing better makes me proud to have done anything to aid them.

What I would like to see before I die half a dozen books in the Star Wars EU written by those kids of today where I can point at them and say ‘See? Give a kid the right idea and he’ll make a name for himself’.

One of my jobs here is to show them how to do that without killing the lawn. I do not ridicule them when they break canon. I point out gently that what they have done does not conform. I am willing to bet that if you ask any of those writers who are being ‘defended’ if I hurt their feelings so totally that they never want to write again, the answer would be proportionally ‘no’. Some would feel that way in any group.

The poll I created when I started this column proves it. In over one and a half years I have consistently scored better than 70 percent approval. Among my strongest supporters are two people I have reviewed more than once, both moderators. I know there are more mods that have been on my ‘hit list’, but I deal with real life first, and their rank here is not that important to me. After all with five full novels posted here, I have yet to pass the 1,000 mark on posts yet.

To state as the Source did ‘it doesn’t matter because…’ is to say Lucas has no say in what we do. We can rip up the plants and torture the pets all we want.

But if you ruin the park, how long will you be allowed to play in it?

Think about that.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-07-2007, 02:46 PM   #673
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June 7

With this one I am going to go back to six per main site so I can include the Jedi Archives and Galactic Senate again.
If either of those drops off the screen, I will add two to each main sites for either the Archives or Senate.


Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knights of the Old Republic III Shadow Rising
Steven

Set two years after Sith Lords: The invasion begins

The author is not editing and proofreading his work. The writing is cumbersome because of this. As an example, he mentions an infantry squad running into a fighter squadron, which implied a strafing run. His first comment starts with several Star Forges and I will address that below.

Then he began the next paragraph with more about the character and only then did he now go back and begin a timeline to explain how those men die. A writer has to think like someone dancing. As the ‘male’ in the dance, you are leading the ‘female’ who is the reader. If you do it correctly, you both enjoy yourselves. If not you step on their toes, bump into other pairs, and it ends badly.
Canon note: This is not the first story, nor will it be the last where someone builds a ‘new star forge’ I expect to see.
I used the analogy of the cargo cult back on 23 May because the technology of the Star Forge in comparison to what the Republic and the Sith has is as far above the Stone age New Guinea tribesmen as a modern Jet liner. I am going to do a special article I hope to finish that will be directed at this concept.

The author has defined his work as failed, and it’s times like this I wish I had my own ‘wall of shame’. You see, as I have told a number of writers here, I wrote my first story when I was 11 years old. I went through a year of high school in a science fiction writing class with the teacher grading me at C- to one B+ because my ideas were ‘generic and easily foretold’.
I did not pop out on the world stage fully formed. Those who have read my work here see 42 years of busting my butt every time I sat at the pad, the typewriter, and finally the computer.
Read Starship Troopers by Robert Heinlien where he has classroom situation where a teacher asks a student what place he had in a race. He placed fourth. The teacher writes him a first place sticker, and tells him ‘here, you won the race’.

Furious, the kid rips it off. Then the teacher points out he’s proud of a mediocre finish, and infuriated by someone ‘giving’ him the victory.

If you want kudos, you have to work for them.

My KotOR Comedy
The Architect

KOTOR: The title says it all.

Problems with dialogue. Remember to have a paragraph break when you change speakers.

The humor starts fast and furious, and doesn’t really stop. He says he’ll release the rest around Christmas, but he’s past his due date.

Now I’m ticked…

Tearing the Veil From Grace
Mr. BFA

Four Years after TSL: Happily ever after sometimes isn’t

Problems with word usage. ‘disregarding’ a lightsaber instead of discarding it. Trialing someone instead of taking them in for trial. The others in the comments section have already said every negative about the writing style I could mention.


The Bothan
Silentscope 001

Entry for Javyar's Cantina contest ending March 31st. Subject; Betrayal:

The others in the comments section have already said every negative about the writing style I could see.

However having read the books linked to the expanded universe, it was the Empire that claimed the Alliance had built the Death Star II and only the heroic sacrifice of the ‘glorious emperor’ had destroyed it. They had also claimed that it was the Republic that destroyed Alderaan with a super weapon. So to say they are ‘honest’ only means you are willing to accept their take on what happened. An argument I have had with many an anti-war person, people who think the Democrats can walk on water, and America-basher on several sites.

As for fanon or Canon? The books are considered Canon, and merely making it Alternate Universe would make it acceptable.

Very well done piece.

Tri Protiv Dvukh ("Three Against Two")
Tysyacha

From near the end of TSL: The Masters thought they had her outnumbered…

The story is excellent, and instead of cleaving to the dialogue from the Game Tysyacha too us another just as valid way. Very well done.

Star Wars: Second Betrayal, First Betrayal
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe after the clone wars: Vader removes the last obstacles.

Everything I can say about this has been addressed in the comments below. The usual work we expect from DS.

Something I made awhile back for an unfinished.....
Lord Fear

No specific time given: A comedy spoof

The biggest problem I had with it was misspelling and grammar. You also missed several obvious jokes, but I’m older than you are, maybe they weren’t that obvious.

The Murderer, the Thief and the Boss.
Darth Aida

No specific timeline: A murder for hire at school

Every negative with the basic writing and story has been voiced except for one…

DA, you tend to follow an idea down in flames. Usually this is a good thing, but is my experience that you have to put it down, walk away write something else and only then come back and look at the work to see if you can edit and improve it. I know you don’t have a lot of time for the monthly challenges, but if you post two days before the deadline, it will still be in the running.

As for never playing the games, most libraries should have a copy of the walk through books. If not, there is an entire website under Lucas Arts that can walk you through KOTOR or TSL scene by scene in the same manner.

The Return.
Kotor If

At the end of ROTS: A surviving Jedi flees Coruscant.

The style needs some editing and polishing. Do that and this will turn out all right.

Canon: As much as most of our readers came out of RPGs, and I understand using that as the basis. But two of these Jedi types make no sense. As an example the term ‘sniper’ has specific connotations and none of them are linked to swordplay. Brute makes even less sense. I have yet to see and usage of the word ‘brute’ in a description that is complementary to the subject. That is; except for brute strength.

Technical. A battalion, unless it has been smashed into wreckage in combat consists of between five and seven hundred men. Thirty men is an under strength platoon. Read the article I wrote about army units in the resource center.

Also, I seriously doubt you are going to find a storehouse of replacement limbs in the average corporate office or monastery. In modern day, the fitting of a prosthetic limb takes weeks. Even in that world, you would still need time to heal the injury first. Unlike a modern artificial limb, you also have neural connections that would make it unlikely that someone could just slap one on and expect it to work.

KotOR I sequel
Darth Badguy

A follow on for KOTOR: Darth Revan reminisces on his return to power

Like Topsite said, it’s good that you mentioned that English is a second language, so you won’t get dinged for word usage or spelling.

The basic Idea is sound and flows well. I wish I had time to read this in its entirety.

As Topsite commented, there aren’t a lot of the Dark side endings here, yours is one orf the better ones so far.

KOTOR III: The Dark Reckoning
Tysyacha

KOTOR III: As Revan falls again, others seek for him and the Exile.

The basics are good, the story line sound.

Diamond in the Rubble
Cygnus Q’ol

After KOTOR: A scavenger goes to Taris and finds more than he bargained for.

Unless the name is new I have never read this author’s work before and I wonder… Is it someone I have read, or merely the first posting?

Because it is reminiscent of some one I reviewed in the last year or so, and it’s good work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-07-2007, 02:48 PM   #674
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Old Wisdom
RogueLadySabyne

Alternate Universe Set after ROTJ: When Luke needs someone to talk to he gets another lat Jedi. Try 4,000 years too late.

I saw who showed up, and remembered a story I reviewed where the crew were the ghosts of Christmas past. This work caused me to chuckle as the irascible spirit of Jolee Bindo does for Luke Skywalker what he was able to do for Revan. Well worth the read. Only 9 thumbs up, but worth more. (6)

Echoes in the Force
Darth Ramsis

During TSL before Dantooine: Kreia explains in her normal fashion.

What I thought interesting about this work was at the end. The idea thatr as much as the Jedi Masters were terrified, that the force would heal itself if you let it. I am rarely surprised by what an author will do, but it surprised and delighted me.

Very well done.

Rain (He Never Loved Me)
RogueLadySabyne


After KOTOR: Unrequited love darkens the wedding of Carth and Revan

The character is of course the author’s so I am not surprised that I didn’t recognize her. But the angst of someone who has known Carth since she was a kid, and sees him marry another was very well done.

The Fountain
Riansage

After KOTOR: Revan reminisces.

The story works very well. Making Revan as a kid a hellion, and Malak sensitive enough to be a painter was a surprise. But her reaction to the fountain made me feel for both of them.

Up for my best of this week.

The Final Moments
WinterOnasi

After KOTOR: Revan’s memories return, starting the order’s frantic search for the Exile.

Winteronasi does quality work, sometimes like a cook with few ingredients who still turns out an excellent repast. My only problem is having Revan and the Exile meet then separate, but hey, I’m a purist.


Beautiful Darkness - Part 1
Jedi serenity

During KOTOR enroute to Manaan: Sometimes love is watered by tears…

There are times when the minimalist approach makes the most sense. JS did this so well I wonder if she has any professional credits.

Return
CodeName Targeter

After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home?

This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly.

That isn’t derogatory. It’s a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up.

Bastila’s Holocron
Joysweeper

KOTOR during the mission on Tatooine: We get a look inside Bastila’s mind as they find her father’s holocron.

The style starts a bit bland, but the subject matter and the internal wrangling Bastila undergoes is well worth the time.

The Return of Revan
Jedi serenity

After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited.

The story is basic and poignant. Very well done.

20 thumbs up, and worth every one.

A Mismatched Set-Chapter One
Falnangel9124

Falnangel9124

Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo.

Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting

Desperate Measures
Grimrabbit

Sequel to her version of Kotor: What Dreams May Come; As the team that captured Revan returns, Bastila begins to plan.

A scene we don’t get to see in Kotor, this explains some of what happened aboard Revan’s ship.


Dagen Academy
Alexxx

After TSL: After the rigors of that quest, the new Jedi settle in to teaching. But it won’t last…

Alexxx tends to jump around. Not a major problem, but it can get annoying. I do the same time, which is why I ask people to critique my work if possible, or reread and edit. All in all an idyllic scene.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 06-07-2007 at 02:55 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 06-12-2007, 11:27 PM   #675
The_Catto
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Thank you for the review, Mach.
It's not one of my best at all, but I aim to edit and change alot within the story, and hopefully it will be better than what it is now.

Once again, thanks.

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Old 06-14-2007, 02:55 PM   #676
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Since I will be able to work on this friday morning, I am going to return to my friday postings.

How long my job will stay stable, I won't bet on. This from a guy living in Vegas.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-15-2007, 12:53 PM   #677
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Beggining

ExiledFish

Before KOTOR: The woman later known as Kreia sets out on her first Padawan assignment.

Some word usage problems, the title begs for a spelling check. Man instead of Many, sittin instead of sitting. I hate to tell you, that while a computer might suggest punctuation and spelling, it’s really up to you to remember to use it correctly.

The basic story line is pretty good. I tried to make Vrook a bit more human in my KOTOR novel, and seeing him as a guy perhaps flirting with a woman is a nice touch.

Every Little Thing
Bee Hoon

After TSL: A hard decision creates another one.

The work needs polishing. Other than that I can’t think of anything bad to say about it. Well done.

The Second Coming Of Evil
Mr. BFA

It’s infusing, not fusing, and it’s we’re not were. No biggies I can see so far.

As someone who gets a little depressed when I get a lot of views and no comments, I understand how you feel. But if I had walked away from this pop stand because enough people didn’t look, you would have never even met me.


A Jedi Attachment
Reuben Shan


KOTOR: A brief vignette

The work could use some polish, and re-reading-editing, but nothing that really needs to be done.

Short was right. This is a mere scene. How about making it a little bigger, eh? Of course I can’t do anything coherent in this short a space.


The Destruction of the Star Forge

Reuben Shan

You know, RS, I could repeat the above review exactly here. You’re doing some good work, but it is so short the reader barely gets moving before the ride stops.

Blood Band Brothers
Point Blank
Relenzo2

No specific timeline, but during the Rebellion: a Young Wookie gets his chance to taste battle

Remember paragraph and conversation breaks. It’s ‘dressed’ not trussed. Trussed implies being tied up. The discussion of what to use for a battle cry was choice. My favorite has always been ‘not again, damnit!’

I was hung up between considering whether this would be a parody or serious. You didn’t handle the movement to contact very well, primarily because you’re trying to treat a ground action like a fleet action. The fighters could be pounding defenses rather than poking along as if they are on escort duty. Your explanation of the Wookiee fighting style was funny, because most masters wouldn’t admit that you’re going to beat on the problem until it goes away.


The Jedi Archives

The Jedi Purge's Failure
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe. End of ROTS: The Purge of the temple fails, but that isn’t all…

When you wrote annoyed, did you mean avoided? You’re also having problems with homonyms. Reread, edit, and polish.

Canon: Last week I commented on the use of sniper and brute, and even watching that the two can do, the class makes no sense. Does anyone have access to a copy of the game books online?

The primary reason Jedi ‘sniper’ makes me irritated is that the term has been used only in the last century and a half, and for one only thing, riflemen. To call someone who throws a lightsaber a sniper is like saying an armored swordsman is a Tank.

What next, Jedi purse-snatcher?

Promises
Jedimaster12

Part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy

It should be exasperated not –ing. Homonym problems (Won instead of one) but nothing major.

It is always interesting to look at someone’s representations of a society. This gives us a good idea of a number of their beliefs.

Inner Darkness Chronicles
Igyman

The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier.

The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

PROJECT: HAILFIRE
Elelohesterling

No specific era given: A mission to find the homeworld of the Jedi leads to danger

Some spelling and homonym problems, but these are editing problems.

The biggest problem with the style is it doesn’t flow. Scenes are put together well, but they have no life, no spark. What you need to do is slow down a bit, reread, edit and visualize the scene as if it were a movie. Even with the best of actors, a scene that does not flow is unsatisfying. No biggie, I have written some scenes that may this look like Oscar material.

The Legend of Admiral Griff (AU)
Konig15

Alternate Universe Before the destruction of Alderaan: What if some of the men who fought for the Empire were driven by honor rather than orders?

What can I say? The piece needs editing, but every editor you run into will tell you that. But it is well written, and makes me wish more men like this character were in the Empire.

Well worth the read, listed as one of my best in this review.

Kit’s Tale

Oscar the Grouch

Battle of Yavin: An old friend of Anakin Skywalker faces off against Darth Vader

The style is good if a bit abrupt. Having two old friend dueling in fighters is excellent, and having them not know they faced each other makes the story poignant. Very well done.

Kotorfanmedia

Love Beyond Words
Mayla

After the climactic battle of the Star Forge: A little personal time is needed…

The style is good, the piece kind of short, and as one reviewer said, the dénouement needed a little more set up. But well written all around.

About To Crash, Chapter 1

Mayla

Alternate Universe During KOTOR on Korriban: An interesting twist on the storyline.

Reading into it, I saw the usual Korriban story. Then Mayla slapped me in the face with the one person I would not have expected. The story is long enough to satisfy, yet short enough to make you want more.

Still Yours
Faelyn

After TSL, but time not specified: A show of deep loyalty

The piece is short, but long enough to see the situation and feel for all parties. For the last year of so, I have been tapping one story a week in my reviews as must reads. I’m torn as to whom to nominate for this week. This story is why.

Coming Home
Walruseater

Six Years after KOTOR: Revan finally returns, but not to the welcome she expected.

The author took a unique look at this situation, interweaving characters from both KOTOR and TSL. Excellent work.

Of Love and War (Re): Chapter one
Aminta Jae

Prelude to the attack on the Endar Spire: Trask and Aminta reminisce.

An interesting take on the Endar Spire and her crew. The dialogue suggests a long association between them, yet we know that can’t be the case. It begs the question; how many people aboard knew who Revan was?

The style is excellent, the scenes crisp.

Backup: Beginnings
Onasilvslv

Five Years after the Star Forge: Carth is compelled to follow Revan no matter what cost.

The scenes don’t flow together easily, but once in the next scene, that is incidental. Every one is well done, the scenes themselves pieces of art.

Very well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 06-15-2007 at 11:27 PM. Reason: fixed url tags
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:28 PM   #678
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. I knew I missed something. As to that piece I figured that it was time to write something since it was somewhat glossed over in the main work. I thought it necessary to show how a young guy and an admiral become bonded like brothers almost. I enjoyed writing that piece.

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Old 06-15-2007, 10:57 PM   #679
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Thanks for the review! I'll polish up when I have time



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:18 AM   #680
The_Catto
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Thank's for the review, Mach!
I'll finish editing it when I get enough time.

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