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Old 06-22-2007, 02:17 PM   #681
machievelli
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This week I am going to review a body of work by two different writers rather than just one from each. This is not a special treat; it is because these two wrote seven stories in a row between them.

ExiledFish is first with his three;

Atop the Rakata Temple

KOTOR: The battle between Revan and Bastila

Some problems with word usage. Span is not a synonym for spun or spin you jumped from past tense to present tense a few times as well.

The scene is well thought out, but still feels a bit contrived. Reread it and see what can be polished from your view.

Star Wars: Darkness Of The Past

Alternate Universe, no timeline given: A smuggler is captured by the authorities and finds a new destiny.

Makeshift need not be capitalized in paragraph 1. Interrogation is not spelled that way (title of chapter 2). You have grammatical and spelling errors, but they are consistent, meaning that English is probably a second language.

The basics are sound, but you’re rushing, leaving out words, and not using a spelling checker.

STAR WARS: A NEW AGE EPISODE I


Alternate Universe end of Revenge of the Jedi: Anakin’s new goal

Word usage problems, and you’re not completing ideas. In paragraph two you started to make a statement, but left out the middle. Remember question marks.

There is a cure for the problems of this piece and you yourself said it in the reply to Lord Spitfire. You have to write it out in a verbal projectile, but once you have gone back and reread it more slowly. It will take about three times as long as you are doing now, but you’re readers will appreciate the care.

We’re not that impatient here, you know.

Bobby Pendragon wrote the next four stories in sequence, and three are not a short, but a short-short, one of the most difficult forms because you have to give the reader everything in less than four pages. The last is the longer story Topsite (Hey stop changing you’re name!) commented on, and I have to agree with is assessment.

These stories are:

Juhani's Death


I see they lambasted you pretty good in the notes on Juhani’s Death, kid, so I will hold off on commenting.

Revan's Fall


The scene in Revan’s fall had little continuity. It wasn’t the flashes of reality that a real battle is, rather it is a lack of cohesion in the piece itself. Oh, and ‘yaht’ is spelled yacht.

Darth Aroes' Rise to Power

In Darth Aroes' Rise to Power you needed to edit. In the first paragraph alone you have two errors a spell check would have caught layed instead of lay, slayed instead of slain. Again there was little continuity.

In my own works I have had characters joke about falling. But one thing they say fits the problem I see in this last work. They don’t get up in the morning and say ‘I’m bored, lets go to the dark side’. From that first paragraph I could see he had started his slide before the ‘wookiee sized’ apparition, but his slide is still too swift. Plus you took the training and final duel, something that should have taken a dozen pages or more, and compressed them into two paragraphs.

I feel these pieces are too short. They are single scenes that do not light beyond their edges. This is good in some cases, but these leave me with a feeling of ‘all right, where’s the rest’.

Chaos in the Republic


In Chaos in the Republic you forgot to mention that he was the last member of the line, and as several have told you ‘descendant’ is just as acceptable as the ‘great’ ad nauseum. You’re making the same kind of mistakes, but they are spread out more, and the background and characters are better formed.


The Jedi Archives

Nothing new in the Jedi Archives, so I’ll look back next week.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Dark Coffin After KOTOR II
Darth Dookie

Intro: A young Sith calls upon the evil of Marko Ragnos.

Spelling, editing, word usage are all problems with this piece. The basic idea is sound. Now go back, calm down, edit, and tell it to us again.

Oscar the Grouch
The Little Death Star That Could. (Almost)

Children’s story; the fate of the first Death Star, and how the Bothans got that information about .the second Death Star

I chuckled through this work. The piece is cute and light, though it does need editing a bit.

Hunted
Master Kinnon

Six years after the Yuuzhan Vong war: An attack is launched

The style is good, though the author is mixing metaphors. Alpine suggests mountains while tundra suggests frozen grasslands.

kotorfanmedia

Warblade
RC773

During first part of KOTOR: The Star Forge comes up with a unique way to guarantee its survival…

There are spelling and editing problems, but nothing that cannot be corrected by simple editing.

The idea is intriguing. I have pointed out several times why another Star Forge can be built. The author has come up with a way around the problem…

Ten Minutes
Jalana

KOTOR after the climactic battle: Ten minutes can change everything.

I was stunned when I read this. Not the dénouement, but the sheer complexity of feeling created by the author, all told through the eyes of Juhani. I honestly can’t think of a way to express my delight at this work except to make it my pick of the week.

Eighteen readers gave it a thumbs up, and it deserves a lot more!

Relative
Aminta Jae

KOTOR: An examination of the merits of good and bad, and the consequences.

The ending was a surprise, but after a moment, I was surprised that I had been. After all the story had gently led the reader to that point, and only our own biases would tell us anything else.

One of the more interesting suggestions was that prim and proper Vrook was known once for his escapades. It makes me wonder is the Jedi had been more akin to bees spreading pollen instead of Christian style monks.

Excellent work.

The Promise
Walruseater

From pre-KOTOR to game: Juhani’s life and her death

The work is excellent, the story and rational well considered and presented. Well worth a read.

He Found Her
Alexxx

After TSL: Carth and the exile go after Revan into the Unknown

You forgot some conversation breaks, but any problems with the work can be fixed with an edit.

The only problems with the work are there is no explanation of how the climactic battle could happen, and the entire thing was far too rushed to really get into. Sort of like getting in the car, punching the gas, and slamming into the wall of the garage.

Changed View
Noneko

KOTOR: A look at the life of Thalia May

Most of us ignore the shadowy non player characters. It isn’t that they are not there, or unimportant. It’s like the ultra rich with their servants. How many of them even bother to ask how that servant’s day has gone?

Noneko who has graced my reviews before makes us look, and the look is refreshing and fun. Well worth the read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-22-2007, 03:17 PM   #682
Diego Varen
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mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again.
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Old 06-23-2007, 04:16 PM   #683
machievelli
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mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again.
I know, kid. I'm just being a pain. BTW, for my research, do you have access to the royal patent office on the other side of the pond?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:24 PM   #684
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Between Shadows
Bee Hoon

From TSL: Excerpts from the author’s own TSL works.

The style needs a bit of polishing, but not as much as I might anticipate. Remember my mantra kid, edit, reread, rewrite and edit again.

Nice work.

Prodigal Knight
Jedi Athos

During and right before the Clone Wars: An expatriate Jedi must decide what is right.

The work needs some editing and polishing, but I enjoyed what I read immensely. The basic idea is sound, the characters a little wooden but still believable.

The Second Sacrifice
Tysyacha

Forty Years after Yavin: A dark Jedi must choose a new path.

The piece is up to Tys’ usual standard, needing only a polish to make it shine. Having just begun the LOTF series, I appreciate the warning.

Nom Anor: An Executor Always Has An Escape plan...
Trex

During the Yuuzhan Vong war; what really happened to Nom Anor?
Some spelling problems, Iagoesque is proper. It is used or tested on, rather than abused. Denial instead of denile.

The story tends to drag, and four chapters in (I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery.

What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive.

The little Jedi
Darth Stephanie

Before KOTOR: Revan in training.

I see a lot of other people have taken you under their wing, kid. The advice they have already given is what I would have said, so keep at it.

Remember to always grammar check, spell check, and as everyone know my mantra; edit, reread, polish, and repeat until it is perfect. Or at least until it is good enough.


Choice By the Wayside
JediMaster12

Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all.

An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall.

A Reason
Bee Hoon

Before KOTOR: There is always a reason.

I could tell even without the comments Bee Hoon made that this had been beta read. The story is a bit confusing, jumping to present then back-story, but it is worth the read as all is explained.

The Jedi Archives

Imposter
Darth Balatro

Word usage problems, and you’re not completing thoughts. ‘If you try to run the prince’ should have been ‘away from’ or ‘flee. You used was instead of saw. You didn’t differentiate between dream and reality, and my last question is, is this in the Star Wars Universe?

The piece is too short to really judge your style beyond that.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

ARC Trooper
Darth sithus

During RTOS invasion of Kashyyyk: A team of ARC commandos preps for a mission.

The style is good, but I had problems with the way the story was told.

First, while I could see the average human group falling into the insiders and outsiders (Pilot and troopers) I cannot see the clones either being casually brutal with each other, or grossly insubordinate (Shooter insulting the captain). With the programming they received, they should still be instantly obedient to authority. For a grunt to verbally abuse an officer makes no sense.


Personal Log - A Troopers Story
Angry Wookiee

During Clone Wars: A trooper keeps a private journal.

Forgot question mark (when will we achieve peace?) You made the same mistake in other places, but that is something easily corrected.

Technical note: When in camp you are on perimeter watch, not border.

It’s interesting to see the divergence in the base material of the clones. The original Republic Commandos were considered divergent enough to be worthy of destruction until they were rescued. To see the man who Jango Fett might have become if he had let go of his self-control is astonishing and delightful.


How To Save A Life
ForceFlow

Between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Jedi: A girl is sent by a mob boss to assassinate a Jedi.

It’s belows rather than bellows, but I see your spelling checker did the same thing mine did, re-spelling. If you go back and retype it, the checker will accept, though it doesn’t like it. You misspelled Coruscant, and there are some more spelling errors. It’s due instead of do. Conversation breaks are important, and every speaker should be separate. Don’t use abbreviations as if texting; it is you not u. As much as ‘Lazer’ is used in entertainment, the acronym is properly spelled laser.

Technical note: Mafia however you spell it has specific Earth connotations, as does the date (Named after a specific man; August was named after Augustus Caesar). Avoid things that point specifically at our own planet. It’s a problem a lot of writers have even when using other countries here.


Brothers By All But Blood
Miasmo

Between ESB and ROTJ: Aboard the Millennium Falcon, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca mourn the capture of Han Solo in their own ways.

The work needs polishing, but not as much as you might think. As for spelling and grammar ask someone to beta read it before you post next time.

The feelings of the two characters that are the least demonstrative is intriguing, and well worth the read. Having Han leave a will was a bit much, but seals the bond between the characters in such a way that it is completely believable.


kotorfanmedia

Knights of the Old Republic: Chapter One:- Ambush
Kyoko

KOTOR: The battle of Endar Spire through the eyes of a civilian

Chest-hit is a bit cumbersome. And it’s awakened, not woken. Also, you unholster or draw a weapon, holstering implies putting it away.

The antipathy the main character feels for the Jedi is well done. Carth ‘suggesting’ she help by starting to draw his weapon, and the acrimonious byplay between Carth and Shiroko is good.

Technical note: Every well knows author of science fiction and especially space battles has one thing in common, the perception that an escape pod must be designed with the idea that the occupant might be either injured or in some other way incapable of operating the machine. That means they have to be pretty much automatic. There is no mention of damage to the pod itself. Also you go to all the trouble to say Endar Spire is new, yet have old worn equipment on the lifepod.

But the fighting, snippets of reality as they really are, deserves praise.

First Kiss
Onasilvslv

KOTOR During Kashyyyk segment:

The style is good the mental interplay during the kiss excellent. The sarcastic comments of her inner voice were delightful. The idea that a Jedi can be startled by a tach, then so inept at compliments directed at her made the character warm and fun. Being irritated that she was lost, the amusement it caused Carth made you want to chuckle along.

28 readers gave this a thumbs up.

Not of His Choosing
Jiara

KOTOR during Dantooine segment: The Jedi mourns… But who?

The style is good, the story surprising. The victim is not who you think it is as the character suffers her angst, and the end makes you want to giggle.

36 readers gave it a thumbs up. Kudos!

Truths
Faelyn

TSL on Malchior: Kreia considers the fate that comes.

It’s possessed, not processed. Otherwise well written.

We all know Kreia had her own motives for what she had done. This version works very well.


Inhibitions
Jedi serenity

KOTOR enroute to Tatooine: In vino et veritas

The story flows well, the scenes from the drunk’s point of view well laid and built. Having her fall asleep in the middle of the kiss was a bit much, but funny in it’s own way.

23 readers gave it a thumbs up.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-30-2007, 12:01 AM   #685
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Thanks for the reviews!

I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 06-30-2007, 04:43 PM   #686
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Thanks for the reviews!

I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well
Nice to know my suggestions bore fruit, kiddo. Thanks.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-02-2007, 01:16 PM   #687
JediMaster12
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Choice By the Wayside
JediMaster12

Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all.

An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall.
I never thought of it that way mach. I was thinking of a what if for the kfm challenge and the first attempt involved Jolee but I didn't like it and started again. This time I felt it better to have someone who would know the stories, considering she is a descendant, if you caught that.
Thanks for the review.

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Old 07-02-2007, 03:23 PM   #688
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Holiedaze:

My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me.

No chance in hell.

First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know.

This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was.

So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve.

But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-02-2007, 04:06 PM   #689
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Holiedaze:

My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me.

No chance in hell.

First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know.

This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was.

So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve.

But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it.
Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/mil...nel/index.html


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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Old 07-02-2007, 06:16 PM   #690
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Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/mil...nel/index.html

All well and god, except that I must have a written request sent through channels. Thanks to the privacy act of 1974, it cannot be submitted through e mail


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:43 AM   #691
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Yuck....if it makes you feel better I'm having a similar problem.

I'm missing a page of my 214 and had to submit a request for a new copy.


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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Old 07-03-2007, 01:54 PM   #692
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Sitrep: The VA doesn't have an office in Las Vegas. The nearest regional office is in Reno. Try LA to San Franciso via Sacramento.

Luckily they can mail me the form I have to fill out, so desert trudging is not in the future


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-12-2007, 11:24 PM   #693
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Postring a bit early because I have to get up at 4 AM to get to work, and wouldn't be able to post until almost seven tomorrow evening.

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Revan: A Day in the Life of A Jedi
Darth Stephanie

During period of Mandalorian Wars and their aftermath: A diary of Revan.

Welcome to the boards, kid. Serious problems with spelling editing and grammar. You also jump between Revan being a military officer and being a Valley Girl.

While your comment was disingenuous, you forget that people do not write in their diaries in what to them is a foreign language until they feel comfortable. Ask Tysyacha, who does well with English, but is Russian I believe. If you get a chance, see a very bad western named Winterhawk. The title character is a Cheyenne, and when he is speaking in his own language, he is eloquent and thoughtful, but when he is speaking to some white men who don’t speak Cheyenne he comes across as dumb as a post.

Philosophy of The Force
John Skywalker

Sequel to The Adventures of John Skywalker: Now separated from the Sith, John is given a reason to fight again.

I haven’t reviewed JS’s work recently. The piece is cumbersome, like you couldn’t think of exactly what you wanted to say. Nothing that polishing and editing won’t fix. Some minor grammar and spelling problems, again easily corrected.

It’s interesting mixing a dream with a vision. Having him see Padme through Anakin’s eyes, then seeing the harbinger of Vader.

Knights of the Old Republic III: Sith Empire
Lord Spitfire

After TSL: The Exile prepares to follow Revan, and discovers other truths.

Welcome to the site, kid. The piece needs polishing and editing, and since others have been pointing out phrases that don’t ring true, I won’t address them.

Technical note. When setting up a camp, you automatically do a lot of things, and adapt to the threat as needed. If you expect to set up camp where an enemy will attack, you add special additions to them. Embrasures, berms, mines and pungi stick to stop those pesky ground bound bad guys, and automated guns to take out the airborne ones. If you expect attacks by ‘stealthed’ enemies, you add pressure heat and motion sensors. As big and bad as a terentatek is, adding a few automated heavy blasters would slow them down. Even in the future, military truth is still truth.

Me and Sith Fight (My Worst Fic EVER!)
Tysyacha

No specific time given: A kid can dream, can’t he?

The title warned me, Tysy. I have to agree with the others, it’s like a pun. It’s so bad, and still kind of funny.


Heart of Deception
JediMaster12

The continuing adventures of Kirabaros: Plots and counter plots

The story it follows was good, and so is this. Some problems with word usage (You said ‘is alive and well as is you.’ Instead of ‘as you are’.

The interplay and plotting is interesting.

The Jedi in the east
Anakin34

Time not given, but obviously after TSL: A pair of young Padawan prepare for a journey.

Everyone is jumping in to help so what can a mean old critic do?

Reread, edit, rewrite, Polish, and repeat until is slides smoothly.

Emma
Natedogg

First, avoid words that have specific historical connotations. Instead of ‘Banzai’ it would have been acceptable to say ‘all or nothing’, because they are pretty much the same idea. The story has a flow problem in that it runs like a river suddenly meandering when it was flowing hot and fast just a moment before. Jae addressed anything else.

Jae is right that your battle scenes are pretty good, but they are also abrupt. Not a problem, but you can make them larger with little effort if you wish.

A Journey for Closure (One Shot)
Jedi Knight 707

After TSL: A Jedi finds closure

Welcome back. There were wording problems (‘You brought made your own’) for example. The basics are intriguing, and except for editing problems it is pretty good.

Death of a Prophecy
JediAthos

After TSL: While searching for the Exile, Mira meets yet another legend.

I knew it had been beta read so I went at this one hammer and tongs.

But having JM12 beta read one of mine in the middle of an IM chat mind you, I know how hard a taskmistress she is. Between them, they turned out a quality piece of work here. Everything mean I could say was already said, so I just sat back and enjoyed.

The fighting is clear enough to be worthwhile, though as someone who actually watches the fight scenes for fun, I would wish for more. But that’s a personal foible.

Bridge over Troubled Water
Topsite

In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: An interesting view of Revan’s preparations…

Some spelling errors, but nothing that editing wouldn’t cure. The basic story is interesting, and the way you led up to it in the first part drew me in. Very well done.

Knights of the Old Republic III The Second Sith War
Master Jimmy

In interim between TSL and KOTOR III:

All right kid, here it is. The opening scroll is cumbersome, and there are redundant phrases. You are also pushing the story a bit in the first chapter.

Allow it to flow, kid. Think of a sword master, and reduce it to Tai Chi speed, like I suggested in my own work ‘the Beginning’ for the Echani. Part of the reason for it is to make every movement precise and fluid. If you don’t believe me, ask someone whose butt was kick by a practitioner of that art. Speed it up, and it’s lethal.

The basics are there, the idea sound. Keep it up. Just work to make it flow smoothly.


Right time.... wrong place
Daft Adidas

No specific time given: A rescue team finds danger

Problems with spelling, word usage, grammar. As much as ED says it isn’t that important, think of a racetrack with that flat smooth tarmac. Then picture every misspelled word, clumsy analogy and grammatical oddity as yet another obstacle you put in the reader’s way. Make it smooth as silk, and the reader will reach the end before he expects it. That will make them want more, kid.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Jedi Knights - Last Stand
Nightvision90

Ninety years after the battle of Endor: The Jedi search for someone to unite them again

The style is good, with some quirks that bother me a bit, but nothing major.

Question, did you mean insanely or angrily when Sidney asks ‘madly’? The usage made me think of angrily. Also you should try not to use the same word too often. You used madly twice in the space of four paragraphs.

To the Edge of Darkness: Book 1
92-ser
Sequel to the Alternate universe work "Rise of the Empire": Empire day

Pretty well written though there are problems (engrained should be ingrained).h Just a little polish and edit. A pity I didn’t have time to read very far into it (three chapters).

A Galaxy Not So Far Away
Catwmnjedi

Our own future: A female pilot starts hearing voicing calling her home.

The style is good, the pacing excellent. While I would challenge it on the ‘log ago in a galaxy far, far away’ theme, it was getting interesting when I reached the end.

Outcasts - Dawn of Rebellion
Nightvision90

Two years after ROTS: A captain thinks it’s easy to sell a Jedi…

Well done, the start intriguing. But isn’t Manaan a planet, not a race?


kotorfanmedia

The path of my heart.
Jedi Knight Revan

Before KOTOR: An unlikely hero is drafted

The biggest problem I had with this is simple human nature. Most criminals are not known for their sense of honor, so the idea that a thief is going to accept the government’s ‘invitation’ strikes me as wrong. But the story itself is pretty good.

Beyond the Rim
Darth Xio Jade

After KOTOR: Revan has dreams

The piece is short and abrupt. The meter is good, but it’s like starting a car with a standard without pushing in the clutch. It jumps forward, then died. There was just enough to pique my curiosity, then it ended.

Knights in Tights
Miraea Starr

After KOTOR: The Ebon Hawk makes a brief detour thanks to a black hole.

As much as I get upset with people dragging Earth into the Genre, this looks interesting. Especially when you have such logical explanations of exactly who and what the members of the crew are. As one of the people who commented aid, it’s insane, and I loved it.

Rise of the Blood King
Kirabaros

During KOTOR: An idyllic scene will soon be torn apart.

The style is good, and I know the series, having read parts of it over at Lucasforums. More of her steadily improving and consistently good work. Well worth a read.

Cold
M

After KOTOR: Carth reminisces

The writing style is good, the ending surprising. It sneaks up on you, and part of me wanted to scream ‘No!’ when I read it.

Destiny
Aderyn

After TSL: Revan returns to a stunned Carth

Editing problems, you wrote ‘had not fallen through’ then went on to send a character down a different path instead.

On the whole though the story is well written, the basics flowing so well I hit the bottom of the first section rolling pretty well. A pity I don’t have the time to read the rest. I think it would be worth it.


Bittersweet Victory
Alexandra

The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price.

The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them.

One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words.


The Trouble With Never
Aderyn

After Malchior: The Exile reminisces

There were some editing problems, but nothing major. The story tended to meander a bit but it was worth reading.

Destiny’s Pawn: Endar Spire
Allronix

KOTOR at the Attack on the Endar Spire: Carth meets the passenger before the escape pod.

You need to edit, you missed a word in a sentence on the first page; ‘If (he) could put his blaster to Saul’s head right now’. Editing and rewriting a touch to polish can correct all of the problems I see.

The author moved Carth farther in, making him part of the Endar Spire action. An interesting way to do it and well done.


Mandalorians Don’t Cry
Arkatrine the unpure

On Tatooine after the confrontation with Jagi: A brief bit of comfort.

The style is good. In fact the only negative I have to say is it’s too short!

Who Knew?
Morokea

Spanning Revan’s life: Revan has memories of the man she once knew, and had to kill.

It’s knelt not kneeled. The piece is poignant in that you can seer the memories of the woman from when they first met, until she sat beside his tombstone. You can feel all the emotions evoked by her simple prose, interwoven with the song.

They Have Brought Truth
Silversentinel21

One Year after KOTOR: Revan explains as best she can in letters to three of her best friends

The style is good the. The meter butter smooth. I just wish I had time to read the entire thing.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-13-2007, 02:08 AM   #694
Diego Varen
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Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You?
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Old 07-13-2007, 02:19 AM   #695
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Since it isn't anywhere in the thread I'd guess not.


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Old 07-13-2007, 03:50 PM   #696
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Topsite
Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You?
looking at its location TS, it will be week after next.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 07-14-2007, 07:27 AM   #697
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Sorry I didn't notice it earlier, but thanks for the review.

Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli

...(I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery.

What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive.
I think that for the first act I was trying to emphasize how much was unknown and mysterious about the situation. All the above points are therefore eventually explained, but Nom Anor has to find them out (Shimrra ends up explaining why the ship was programmed to go there, I think Vimack covers the immortality thing towards the end when you find out exactly what she is, and NA explains to the Rakata chief that Revan returned to the planet and set everything up there just in case he needed it later).

Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL.

Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it.


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Old 07-14-2007, 05:47 PM   #698
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trex
Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL.
I stand corrected. Ther reason I did not discover that was as much as I enjoy some of what I read, I do not have enough hours in the day to stay online and read every bit of the longer ones.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trex
Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it.
Just doing my job, kid. Keep up the good work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 07-14-2007, 06:56 PM   #699
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Fair dos and cheers. Feel free to go over my new fic should you ever feel so inclined.


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Old 07-16-2007, 01:38 PM   #700
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Thanks mach. Two reviews in one shot. That was unexpected. As to some of the mentions in Heart of Deception, they are correct. It was intentional that I put it that way. The intent was to give the Avalonians more of a mystique appearance. The reason for this is because they are so new to the Republic so the other members don't know what to think of them.

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Old 07-17-2007, 07:00 PM   #701
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Yay! My first review in who knows how long. Thank ye for the review. Guess I should start to read my own work before I post it.

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Old 07-19-2007, 11:37 PM   #702
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The Mandalorian wars
Mindtwistah

Before KOTOR: A look at the Mandalorian wars from the trenches.


Welcome to the site, friend. I won’t ding you on spelling. Just remember proper names are capitalized, as in races such as Mandalorian. You had one point where you should have had the possessive ‘Mandalorian’s’.

You give a relatively gritty look at a dissipated soldier. All it needs is editing polishing, and as you yourself said, a quick run through a spell and grammar checker.

A Search For Sanctuary
Mr. BFA

Before KOTOR: The Jedi are called by Revan to fight

The writing is a bit cumbersome. You tend to be too wordy. ‘strictly toned as to how he wanted it to be’ could have been written ‘toned.to his own exacting standards’. The way you said it is confusing. Check and edit it your work, make sure lines like that one don’t slip by.

The calm before the storm feeling I got from the first posting was well done.


Holovid Moments
Bee Hoon

TSL On Dantooine: Just dinner a little light entertainment

Kid, all you really need for this piece is editing. Some parts of it are a bit rough, and you jounce the reader along on those stretches. Just polish it until it’s like butter.


Return of the Exile
Jedi Knight 707

Re-critiqued at author’s request.

This was first reviewed back in February of last year. Here is what I said then;

The work flows smoothly after a bumpy start, and keeps the reader interested. There are a few spelling and editing errors, but on the whole is excellent. I wish I had the time to read it all the way through.

While a year older JK707 still forgot the first rule; reread, edit, rewrite, and repeat. The bumpy start we had at the start was smoothed out, and the basics are still good.


A Mandalorian's Treasure
Darth Balatro

During TSL: From the Bounty Hunter Challenge, a Bounty hunter catches a Jedi, but does he know what he’s caught?

The basics are good, but romance wise it left something to be desired. Instead of giving us different endings, I think it would have been better to end it without telling us.


KOTOR3-worst fanfic...so far
Empress Padme

After TSL: A brief respite for the crew of Ebon Hawk

Well first off, I have seen far worse, so cut yourself some slack, kid. Remember spacing when writing. Space between every word, at the end of every sentence, and remember conversation breaks. You’re doing one thing I ding kids for all the time, not completing thoughts, but I do it because I make the same mistake more often than I will admit aloud. You also jumped from past tense to present tense in the second chapter.

I agree with those who looked earlier. Interesting plot. Let’s see some more.


The Jedi Archives


I Couldn't Leave You
Topsite

After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February.


You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that.

It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Jacno's Revenge
Jacno

Alternate Universe, approximately 23 years after ANH: A dark Jedi returns to cause the Council grief again.

The style is good though it needs editing. Of course as any writer will tell you everything can be edited again.


kotorfanmedia


No Time to Rest
PhantomMenace

KOTOR At the arrival at Rakata Prime: A different reason for the crash

The style is crisp and clean, the byplay a bit over done, but it does happen sometimes. 23 people gave it a thumbs up, and it is worth every one of them.


Memories Do Help
Kirabaros


After KOTOR: Revan finds an interesting use for the memory of a battle.

The style is good, the pacing superb, and the ending amusing. Very good.


Battle of the Mind
Tai DuClau

KOTOR: The greatest struggle is within yourself…

Short, sweet to the point. 64 readers gave it thumbs up.


Routine
Jedi serenity

After TSL: Carth reminisces about his life with Revan.

Well done, worth every second reading it. Only eight people have given it thumbs up. Maybe they aren’t paying attention?


She
Virusq

After KOTOR: History does some strange things…

I was stunned about halfway into this piece, but as a person in love with history itself I understood the contention and the problems. My pick of the week.


Naver: A Parody, Chapter 1 - Endar Spire
Avari

KOTOR: Just when you thought it was safe…

I loved it! The lines lifted from AOTC, Harry Potter and Galaxy Quest were tossed in at just the right places. Well worth the read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-20-2007, 01:24 AM   #703
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Thank you Another good review. You're right, I do need to read my own work. I've always had a mental block about it though.

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Old 07-20-2007, 02:21 AM   #704
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I Couldn't Leave You
Topsite

After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February.


You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that.

It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray.
Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic.

Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon.
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Old 07-20-2007, 10:36 AM   #705
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Topsite
Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic.

Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon.
I stand corrected on the date.

The primary bumps were the 'thousands and thousands'. It was like taking off in a plane and finding out that there was FO on the runway. I mentioned it because if you had editied it, it would have been near perfect. That is why I commented that it wasn't up to your own usually good standards.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 07-21-2007, 10:09 AM   #706
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Thanks for the review, Mach.
I've been planning to go back and edit but I haven't even had time to continue on writing the story lately. But I plan to make some time for editing soon. For Sanctuary and The Second Coming of Evil.
But once again, thanks

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Old 07-23-2007, 07:29 AM   #707
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Thanks for the review! That was a last minute piece, so it really really needs polishing, in due time;p

Are there any bits that were particularly bad?



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief

Last edited by Bee Hoon; 07-23-2007 at 05:11 PM.
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Old 07-23-2007, 01:01 PM   #708
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. I think that was the first DCC challenge piece I ever wrote for KFM and I thought it to be a rather neat thing to do. The theme called for a duel and the first thing that hit me was lightsabers and I wasn't up to sharing completey some other ideas so I just followed through with what is to be read as a little supplement to the last part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy.

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Old 07-27-2007, 03:25 PM   #709
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27 July

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Legacy of the Force: Purgatory
Tysyacha

During the Legacy of the Force series after Mara Jade Skywalker’s death: Luke faces a new challenge, pondering both love and hate as he confronts it.

There isn’t much yet, but what there is so far is captivating. Keep it up, kid.

Episode 3.1
Bobby Pendragon

AU version of the end of Revenge of the Sith: It is the battle on Mustafar… Which way will Anakin go?

The pace flowed perfectly, and this change was surprising considering the writer. It is the one focal point in the battle where Anakin might have made this decision and so much would have changed if it had. Very well done.

He's a Lethal Weapon
Daft Adidas

Period not given: A master bounty hunter on the prowl

You’re jumping from present tense (exits the Public Transport) to past tense (Took a step forward). Try to stay in one. Second, you’re using language that is cumbersome. In the intro you say ‘left his home and was never spoken to again by a relative’’. Which I would suggest would sound better if you said ‘left home, never to speak to his family again’. Also, when using races, remember that they should be capitalized so bothan would be Bothan.

Calling a weapon Mega, or a pistol ‘weak’ doesn’t tell the reader anything. After all, a pistol will not do what a rifle does, and a rifle does not match a machine gun except in range. Just drawing a pistol would be enough for most of us. Also if you say ‘explosive rounds’ you don’t need to go on and say it explodes like a bomb.

Exile
Lord Spitfire

During KOTOR: The Exile begins his journey

Not too much yet. Needs polishing and editing but I say that to everyone, right? All in all, that is the only thing I see to complain about.

Technical note. The average yacht is pretty small, and a smuggler would use a ship that size when possible, but calling it a large smuggling vessel doesn’t really fit. Sort of like calling a modern day yacht a Destroyer. Han Solo’s ship is a light freighter, and is only half the size of Lando’s Lady Luck. Talon Karrde’s ship is almost three times that size and it is at the upper end as a yacht but only at the same level as a merchant vessel so calling it large is a bit much.

Mandalorian Measures
JediMaster12

Song-fic Set after TSL: Mandalore looks at the rebuilding of his race, and why.

JM12 always turns out pretty good work and except for a missing word at one point there’s nothing that polishing and editing won’t cure.

Keep at it, kid.

Shady
Natedogg

Everyone has commented already and anything I might say would be merely repeating it. All I can say is my usual mantra;
Edit, reread, and polish repeat until it glistens.

The Jedi Archives

Imposter II
Darth Balatro

Set three months after Imposter
The basics need editing and polishing, but it is the basic story I think needs revision.

Read my piece on Canon, and apply it to the Arthurian legends as well.

Like the Star Wars Universe, the Arthurian legends deserves respect.


kotorfanmedia


Lost But Not Forgotten Chapter 1
PhoenixGate

Set during Endar Spire segment of KOTOR: Twin Revans escape the ship

The style is good, the departure from the basic story line interesting and rare. Well worth reading.

The Reaction She Hoped For
Danielle1980

After Leviathan in KOTOR: Will the revelation change things between Carth and Revan?

The style is good; the piece only needs polishing to make it perfect. Well done.

In the Eye of the Storm
Malak’s Mistress

Two Years After KOTOR: Dustil makes a choice. But is it the right choice?

The style is good, the work well done, and the end perfect for setting up what may come next. Well worth the time to read.

Knights Of The Old Republic: The Sith’s Legacy
Cybercat

11 years after TSL: As Revan has nightmares, two other Jedi discover a secret

The style is good. Some words used in the wrong context or misspelled, but nothing a quick edit won’t cure.

Sacrifice
Lethe

Before entering the temple in KOTOR: Revan considers her one special gift in the force, and what it will cost her.

The idea is intriguing, a Force power never suggested, and a painful one at that. Far too short to give me an idea of style, but what I see is outstanding.

Apathy Is Death
Joysweeper

Set before the Mandalorian Wars: Revan ponders how to explain why they
Jedi should intervene.

The piece is excellent. Laying out the argument for intervention, and the idea that the Council was merely too conservative sets up the denouement very well. My pick of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-30-2007, 01:10 PM   #710
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. The song for that piece was jumbling in my head. Listening to the lyrics I saw a bunch of images and what stuck the most was what could have been memories of an old war horse that longed for days long since by. Thanks again for the review. Another thing under my belt regarding a possible literary career besides my day job of lookng at cultures of ancient empires.

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Old 08-03-2007, 02:38 PM   #711
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Enter Calo Nord

RC1162

Before KOTOR: Calo Nord’s first bounty hunt on Taris

The writing style is good, but the actual taking of the bounty at the start was a bit slapdash for me. Nord came across as a good man in a fight but as the Hutt said later, survival looked like it was blind luck.

Calo Dead
Tysyacha

During KOTOR: Calo Nord’s own explanation of what happened.

The style needs some smoothing out, but it was a pretty good piece. The end didn’t tell you what happened to Calo beyond his corpse disappearing.

Technical note: Setting off a thermal detonator or even a normal fragmentation grenade in an enclosed space would be like setting of a small fuel air explosive. Not much is coming out of the room after that including the guy who set it off. I assumed he used a flash-bang, which would disorient the enemy but cause little damage. Also, according to the translation used on the disc of the phantom menace Bantha poodoo is fodder.

Bounty on Hoth
Daft Adidas


The style is a bit ragged and confusing. Part of the problem as I commented to a writer about a year ago was that a game will lump weapons and styles into categories, but you have to be more specific. You are using comments that fit in game-speak, but for writing makes it either confusing or irritating to your readers. I wrote articles in the resource center already about weapons, military units, fleet operations flight operations and small unit tactics.

As an example, instead of martial art, you could use (Just known ones on earth) Tai Kwan Do Kung Fu Tai Chi Judo Savate Su-chai (An Apache hand to hand style), even wrestling and boxing. I believe I commented on you choice of statements about weapons last week.

Looks like I am going to have to do a ‘martial arts’ article…

Twins' Destiny
Grace

About one hundred and fifty years after Yavin: A unique bounty

The style is workmanlike, the story needing some stronger characterization, but the confrontation and denouement was perfect.

Boundaries, Methods, Bounties, Madness
Darth InSidious

Before TSL: A slight disagreement among bounty hunters.

The first paragraph confused me because you refer to the target first as a man, then as a woman. ‘He kept his eye trained on a single point at the man's head. He'd barely met her, but her reputation alone was enough.’

One problem, and it is with timing. You have two professional bounty hunters walking away, another dying from poison all in an open area. Yet somehow someone sneaks close enough to carve a design in someone’s back, get away unseen and carry out the bounty in the confusion. That stepped over the line of believability for me a bit.

War and Love
LordRevan123

After TSL: Revan and the Exile return to Telos

The biggest problem you have kid is repetition. Remember never use two words when one will do; never use a big word when a small one will do. Describe once, but fully, reread, edit, rewrite as necessary. You’ve made a good start.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Jagged Princess
Blizzard

No time line specified: Trapped in a derelict ship, a woman ponders the events that brought her to that point.

You’re using some words out of context, forgot instead of forgotten. All in all the work is pretty good, and I am listing it as one of my picks of the week.

Technical: An astromech droid by design would have to be able to maneuver in zero gee better than a human would. In PM they were working on the hull of the ship in space, which means either a small integral tractor beam, or some form of magnetic traction.

Kotorfanmedia

Wet Season Riddles
Inicol1990

Set after TSL: The new owner of both the Ebon Hawk and HK47 begins to receive cryptic messages.

The main problem I saw was a lack of characterization. We know the main character is female, that her eye color appears to be mutable and she is a loner that doesn’t like company unasked. But her position in the series is still unclear. Part of the problem is the piece is short, and I do not have time to ferret out more data. However the dreary scene is well laid out, the irritation with HK’s pacifist program is echoed in the readers, and I think this is pretty well done.

Some cumbersome wording. ‘So, with that in mind, it remained to be called ‘The Ebon Hawk’. Would have been better as ‘so it was still the Ebon Hawk’. This is an editing problem, and I have the same problem when I am concentrating on the story, so I know whereof I speak.

The Shadows of the Rim; Prologue: Steel Vultures
Hyperion Rising

Two years after the events of TSL: A salvage operator gets more than she bargained for

Extra word in this sentence; ‘and even any intact personal side arms or armor would fetch good price,’ Either even or any could be removed without affecting the context, but both together are like a pothole in the road the story is following. When speaking of her as a pilot, you jumped from past tense to present tense, again a slight bobble. This was the only place where that occurred, suggesting a flow of thought segment as you worked. All the work needs is editing, and it would be perfect.

Technical note: This is not a dig it is praise. You brought out the problem of using a small ship very well. The idea that the time is limited to carry out the salvage operation so it is pretty much a grab and run. The value of even the smallest items to such an entrepreneur because of lack of stowage is well portrayed to give us an idea of this. Even the problem when a small scavenger has in dealing with a larger one.

You did not just link up, take x amount of time transporting everything small enough to carry. You gave us a definite time limit and kept us apprised to build tension. Very well done.

A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth
Jedi Master Ariana

After the Leviathan escape in KOTOR: The author thought the argument that followed was too tame…

Boy oh boy the author wasn’t kidding. This version of that scene has all the fang out ‘one of us is going to die’ attitude you would feel from someone who feels this betrayed. Some of the action was a bit quick and didn’t have the same feel, but I was riveted from the moment Carth opened his mouth. Some editing problems, but I can’t praise it enough.

What Happened to Us?
Aminta Jae

After KOTOR: Sometimes the heroes don’t live happily ever after…

You left out some words. ‘Funny how she could face a battalion of with no fear,’ is an example. An editing problem.

The problem with writing is most of us still believe the ‘and they lived happily ever after’ line. This gritty work is what happens more often than not. As much as it broke my heart, I had to admit it was well done. Up to Aminta’s usual standards.

Three Tarisian Ales
Wraithfighter

After TSL: Sometimes there is only one way to kill the memories…

I was surprised by this piece. Having Carth fall apart I could understand, and it hurt me to see him ignoring everyone who might have stopped his descent. But that isn’t all of the story. I am not telling you what happens. The ending is too good.

Of The Lies That I Have Lived | Chapter 1
Old Wolf

The Endor Spire: Sometimes you have to be pushed into defending yourself.

Some words used wrong (Scatter should have been skitter) but nothing editing will not cure.

This is an interesting look at Revan, Making her someone who is almost a pacifist shoved into the fight, dealing not only with the death she metes out, but her own body and mind’s resistance.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-10-2007, 04:19 PM   #712
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Void A tale from the Book of the Nine
OD Mia

Time not specified, but probably between ROTS and Survivor’s Guilt in the EU: A mysterious person meets the 501st.

I see others commented, especially Jasra and Jae who I admire and what they did not address I will. As I tell every kid the first time I read their stuff, reread, edit, rewrite, edit again, polish until smooth.

I agree with DA in only one point. You have given no orientation or even race of the opponents he is facing. Are they rebels? Are they even human? Who are they fighting and why? This is important to a reader because we don’t just want mindless violence, we want a reason for it.

Plus you’re mixing eras. You have the Sith, who supposedly had not been an organized body for a thousand years, raiding a base that had been protected by the 501st, who first followed Vader, then became the major force in the section of the Empire mentioned in the Hand of Thrawn series.

Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales: Mission Across Space
The Doctor

Compilation of Doc’s KOTOR fiction: Why Mission and Griff ran…

The basics are all there, and considering most of it, we’re going to get as much explanation as Mission did of what occurred and why.

Every editing and spelling suggestion was already said, so I won’t repeat. Just remember to edit and proofread, k?

Loss and gain
Darth Stephanie

After TSL about 20 years: The Funeral of Revan

Some spelling problems. Greif instead of grief. Infact is two words. Others have already pointed out most of what is wrong, so I will simply repeat my mantra.

Proofread, edit, reread, rewriter, polish, and repeat until it is the best you can do.

One minor thing. A horse is native to Earth. You will notice that everyone else merely calls them a riding beast of some kind. Just come up with another words for it. As an example, by using comments by varied writers in the EU I have ascertained that a Nerf is probably a sheep, and a Barve is a pig. Primarily because I don’t see being insulted by being called a ‘Nerf Herder’ if it’s the equivalent of ‘cowboy’.

Keeping the Galaxy Intact
Tysyacha

No specific era given: A duelist fights, but not for what you might expect.

The piece is good, the basics are there and I think it will go far. I was asked by Tysyacha to collaborate on this, and had to decline with regrets. I ran into a block on what I was doing in our last collaboration, and right now I need to figure out how to have the time to write again.

One thing, Tys. Remember that Kung Fu is an earthly martial art. You can rename it and it will work.

Untitled
Reclaimer

Before TESB: A squad runs into something unexpected on Hoth

You used point instead of pointing. And you don’t have to say a dead corpse. ‘The corpse had on a bloody worker outfit, like the ones the crew had on’ would have been less cumbersome if you had said ‘the body was dressed in the same outfits as those we had escorted’.

The descriptions are good, and the piece flowed well. The biggest bobble I had was having him lose most of the squad on Tatooine. I doubt rthey could have flown in fought a pitched battle and Luke living on that planet would not have heard about it. To Luke the Rebellion was like Camelot to Lancelot in that musical. Something he had heard of and wanted to join, but it was somewhere out there.

Technical note: You did well with every aspect of the military op, but you fumbled it by having some call the sergeant sir. As many a Petty officer I dealt with would say, Sergeants work for a living, and those you call sir do not.

Forgotten Scars
Sabretooth


Minor points Sabretooth. Coffee is an earth drink, and dog, an earth animal. That is why they call animals of their type ‘hounds’ in the EU. This is minor, and part of the reason I had my characters drinking teas, because any infusion with leaves in water is a tea.

The piece is good despite its faults, and I was not surprised because while I haven’t seen Sabretooth’s work recently, the work of this author graced my very first column.

My pick of the week from Lucasforums.


The Jedi Archives

Scars of War
Igyman


During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer.

The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me.
First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Dark Hand
Nightvision90

250 years after the battle of Yavin: Yet another war, this time between the Empire and the Dark Hand


The basics are good, there are some problems with the way it reads, but that is an editing problem.

One minor point, An empire is also called an Imperium rather than an Imperial Kingdom.

Technical: There are military geniuses, however the odds that someone would be able to reach Grand Admiral (The equivalent of an American Fleet Admiral) is unlikely. An officer that young with a rank that high would not have done it through competence in combat in most situations.


Kotorfanmedia

A New Hope Reborn, Prologue
Phalon23

Beginning of KOTOR: Three women meet aboard the Endar Spire a year after Revan is captured… But which is which?

The piece is well written, and the only thing that bothered me was, which one was Revan?

Meeting Yourself
Onasilvslv

After Leviathan incident: Who am I Really?

A very interesting take on the situation. The arguments are cogent from their own points of view, *

If I Close My Eyes Forever
Danielle1980

Kotor after Leviathan incident: Sometimes you just wish it never happened.


The piece was good, the emotional overtones well done. I had thought I recognized the song, but it wasn’t the one I thought.

Turning the Tide: Chapter 1
Wick3dWitch27

Not finishing sentences Such as ‘I told I was sleeping didn’t I?’. But that is an editing problem. Slow down a bit when you write, proof read and edit. I have the same problem if you have read my stuff. The way you handled the last sections of the fight were interesting.

Technical note, marine troops aboard ships are usually called fleet marine units, but a fleet implies ships entering, not the men.

life after death chap.1
Safetyjedigirl

After KOTOR: Sometimes you best wasn’t good enough

Some cumbersome wording such as being taken off (Sometimes spelled 0f) the Jedi order is confusing. Removing would have been better. You also left out words in some sentences. One problem was the end seemed contrived.

Technical note: There is no specific size for a Garrison since the Romans standardized the size of the Legion. So saying a ‘garrison and a half’ makes no military sense. Also, unless you have a dockyard facility, it is unlikely that a commander would leave a ship completely empty. You need a station keeping crew or sensor crew aboard at least. The only reason to leave them in orbit unmanned is abandoning them or lack of crew.

The Princess Jedi, Prologue and Chapter One
KSCrusaders

Set in the Expanded Universe approximate with the Jedi Academy Trilogy. KOTOR Meets the Princess Bride head on.

I was at first shocked then delighted by the story. The only problems I had with it was ‘Grandpa’ Anakin being blue, and Jacen thinking the name is cool since he has a brother by the same name. All in all however an enjoyable read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-17-2007, 12:09 PM   #713
machievelli
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Glad To Leave
Weave

During final battle in TSL: A Sith discovers there is peace in losing…

The writing is a bit cumbersome and repetitive. ‘More fluids oozed from the slit neck belonging to my dead opponent’. Could have been merely ‘More fluids oozed from his slit neck’. ‘Clever was her tactic’ would make more sense if written ‘it was a clever tactic’.

Except for that and some editing problems, this is a pretty good piece, especially for a first timer here. Keep it up!

Lost Path
Divide&Conquer

During period of TSL: A Jedi is rescued by an unlikely friend.

You have some words being used incorrectly, paced when you meant placed, wondered instead of wandered. An editing problem primarily. There were several more, but that is for you to learn as I say yet again my mantra; reread and edit, rewrite, then repeat until it flows.

Minor style problem; it is rather obvious that if you shoot and kill someone they are no longer a problem.

The basic storyline is good, and I see others are already giving advice, so I will say no more.

The Shadow of Revan
Trex

During KOTOR: The adventures of Revan’s ‘Shadow’

The basics are here, but the pacing and chapters do not appear to be a coherent whole. It needs editing and polishing. Plus there is no explanation as to what the ‘shadow’ is. I assumed as I read, that he was the equivalent of Mara Jade who was the Emperor’s ‘Hand’.

Knights of the Old Republic : Destiny
Empress Padme

One Year after KOTOR:

Some problems with spelling and grammar. This however is an edit and polish problem, nothing major. I see others have already given advice, and considering how well they have done, I only have one question…

Why do you guys keep me around?

Yet another newbie, and what amazes me is how well some of you can do first time out of the starting gate. There are problems with the warrior mentality, so I see I will have to post that article (Still unbeta-ed) about how I believe the Mandalorians should be treated.

Lyrics by Eagle Eye Cherry, Linkin Park, and more...
Rabish Bini

Revan’s life in song: Revan goes from knight to Sith lord.

The style is workmanlike; there are some editing problems. It feels to me like it needs work, but what artistic endeavor is ever really completed? I could have a book already in print and be sitting on cash, but still want to tweak it just a little more.

Revan and Bastila have a relationship before he left is interesting. You should expand and fill in the battle scenes you feel comfortable with because the ones I did see were rather bland.

Assuming The Dark Throne
Darth Badguy

After end of TSL: The Exile now ponders the reign to begin.

Problems with spelling and grammar, hopefully you can improve these with practice. You have made progress since the last one.

The basis of the story is well done, and as much as the ones who have commented ask what to call the new Dark lord, I agree with you that the name is incidental.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Blurred Lines
Borgmatrix

5000 years after ROTJ: An old enemy returns

The style is good, the flow well done. It needs editing, but that is not a complaint. Da Vinci worked on the Mona Lisa for over a decade, and still had not delivered it upon his death.

Jumping this far is the future is an interesting twist to use.


Kotorfanmedia

Butterflies
Jedi Serenity

During KOTOR: Carth needs some advice on love and Jolee is there to give it.

Minor complaints. It’s pursue (As in chase) rather than peruse (As in read)

The story flows well from start to finish, the subject one near and dear to all hearts. Well worth the read.

The Trouble With Gizka
Codename SailorV

During KOTOR: Sometimes, you can’t deal with a problem directly. So you use an example…

The piece is written in script form, which is confusing at first, but it flows well. The basis of the discussion is well defined and using the gizka, which is a pest but cute is a nice touch. Very well done.

He’s Come Back,
Fire From The Sky

Four Years after KOTOR: Chitari (Revan) has gotten used to the idea of not being a Jedi, and being a single mother until…

Some minor kitchen problems. I think they might come up with something better than a toaster oven for a name.

The story rolls perfectly, and the idea that a parent would hide such a secret from her child perfectly normal. Excellent work

A Relative to Truth
Dakarne

Alternate Universe During Taris segment in KOTOR: This version of Revan meets with Canderous

The piece is well written, the idea behind it intriguing. Fine work.

I was curious until I began reading it what the author had meant be Alternate Universe until I started reading. It is, I admit, one option neither the Jedi nor the average writer had considered, making her merely one of the other branches of Force User that we know exist. Like making her a Franciscan instead of a Benedictine monk. It would also make it easier to explain using the Jedi’s version of the force later.

Behind Closed Doors
Jiara

During the sojourn on Dantooine: The meeting between Bastila and the council we never saw…

The scene is one we probably thought about but never saw. The situation clearly defined and argued efficiently on all sides. All of the actions of the later actions of the council fall right into sequence.

With time to spare…
RavenRand16

KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: The crew of the Ebon Hawk settles into a quiet evening, and bonds are forged.

The basics are good, and the piece is well done, though it could use editing (‘we should be use’ should be used) Excellent work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-24-2007, 12:22 PM   #714
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DXUN
Sabretooth

During Mandalorian war: A look at prisoners and interrogations.

You left out words sometimes. ‘Looks the Mandalorians are lying quiet’ needs a look in there. You also forgot a couple conversation breaks. The problems I see are rereading and editing, nothing major.

The basic story is good, the scene well described, the situation bleak. All in all what I would expect from Sabretooth. Very good work.

Army of the Republic
Reclaimer

During clone war: A day in the life for a Clone squad.

The scene is minimalist, but well portrayed. You tended to jump back and forth between present and past tense, but only in one scene I have read so far.

Technical note, in a combat situation, you would not have men saluting officers. First, it’s a waste of time, second it exposes you to fire, and third, it lets the enemy know whom to shoot next.

Web of Deceit
CSI

Period undefined: A Jedi sent on a mission finds a lot more.

The phrase ‘He waited until the boy struck with a punch to continue fighting’ would have been better ended ‘to continue the fight’. It isn’t the only such place, but it makes the reading a bit ragged. So like I always say, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. All in all though it isn’t too bad.

Having never seen Bleach, in fact, not having seen half of the anime you used, I thought for a minute you had lifted a scene from the first scene of Demon Hunter Yokko. The second time he meets the Jedi could have been lifted from Girl from Phantasia as well.

Yeah, kids. The old man loves Anime too. I’m just surprised you didn’t toss the Dirty Pair and Mahurabo in.

Never Blind in the Force
SkywalkerRules

155 years after Yavin:

The Doctor has done all of the basic commenting I might have made, so I will forgo them. I will address however the beginning of your second chapter.

As I have pointed out before in my column, unless the person is just so mean and nasty he has to be evil (Hannibal Lector comes to mind) he isn’t just going to decide to go to the dark side this easily. If you notice in ROTS and in ROTJ Each of the people so tempted to the dark, father and son were given different reasons for it but they were tailor made. For Anakin, it was ‘turn to the dark, and save your wife’. For Luke ‘If you want you’re friends to live, you have to kill me’. I don’t think even Palpatine and Exar Kun just decided to become evil. If you have read Dark Rendezvous, the author gives a very plausible reason for Ventress to have turned, and explained her hatred of the Jedi in particular. And she can’t even be defined as a Sith. The attempt by Dooku to turn Yoda shows the fallacy of it because every argument is easy to overturn if you look at it both from within and from without.

Minor quibble: The first paragraph should have been made part of the intro scroll instead of separated.

A Dark Hope
Topsite

It should be inform rather than address when talking of what he will tell the senate. ‘I’ve sent a signal there and some people will be expecting me there’ would read better if you removed the first there.

The basics are good, and it’s up to your usual standards, TS. Pretty good so far.


I reached the point today that we have run out of stories to critique here. But I expect you will give me more to do with time. To tell you the truth, even with the angst of moving and not finding an agent I haven’t had this much fun in years, working on this for almost two years now.

If I have missed you in the previous pages, by all means tell me. But before you do, remember that I am neither a poetry critic nor an art critic. I promise to read and critique any stories I have missed.

I will maintain 12-16 stories per column from this point on, with the Galactic Senate supplying what it may, but filling out from kotorfanmedia as I go.


Kotorfanmedia

One Moment Together
Danielle1980

During KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Revan and Carth share a brief moment of love, worried about what the future holds.

Except for leaving out the word on in one sentence, the work had no serious flaws. The pacing is good, the scene well and tastefully done. Good work.

Maps and Directions
Aelis

On the unnamed planet: Carth and Revan have a discussion about maps, directions, and gender specific comments about them.

The piece is a bit short, but it is well written, and thought out. I would have liked to see more.

Dance Lesson
Karacat

No specific time during KOTOR given: Dance is just a metaphor…

The piece was amusing. Taking modern day shows and commercials, putting them in Star Wars context without losing that flavor is hard sometimes. The only protest I have is with the word ‘slutty’ for Twi-Lek dancing. Knowing that most dance started as mating rituals I would have preferred erotic or exotic.

The Steel Tomb
KaylaRevan

During the battle between Bastila and Revan on the Star Forge: Where there is light there is hope.

The scene is good, but damn it; it is too brief. I wanted more.

Fragments of Memories: Prologue
Mayla

After the Star Forge: A eulogy for Revan

The piece is short, but a eulogy must be. The words strike deep into the crux of the argument about why some go to the dark side, and how important memories are in our lives.

Bantha Steak Soup
CarnivorousPineapple

After the Revelation on Leviathan: When the going gets tough, the tough start cooking…

The metaphor of converting the bad memories by using them for something else is an old one but well done. The personal interplay of argument about exactly what the Council did to Revan is one near and dear to our hearts. All in all a well written and thought out piece.

Touring the Ship
Allronix

Aboard Ebon Hawk After Dxun: Canderous reflects on the differences between the two crews of that ship

The introspection is well done, the differences between the crews marked clearly. But it seems Mandalore wants a return to that time. The desire comes through in everything he thinks.

More Than a Few Bottles
Mythra

Four years after the Star Forge: the Sith Lord Revan spends a drunken night explaining why it had to happen.

The piece is short, but sweet. Revan’s pain torn between love and what she sees as duty well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:43 PM   #715
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Thanks for the review mach, as always.
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Old 08-24-2007, 06:38 PM   #716
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Home
Igyman

Timeline not given: A Jedi Padawan decides to try his own brand of reality on the world.

The primary complaint I saw, that the author didn’t give us a name for the character is incidental to the equation. I have two personal characters from my books that could be represented in the same way, and I applaud the look into those minds.

Well done.
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Inner Darkness Chronicles
Igyman

The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier.

The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Scars of War
Igyman


During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer.

The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me.
First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets.
I'm long overdue, I know, but that's what happens when I don't check this thread out often enough. In any case, thanks very much for all three reviews mach. Just when I started thinking of asking you to do these, I took a look here and, to my extremely pleasant surprise, you were way ahead of me. Thanks again and again (gotta cover all three ) and keep up the good work.

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Old 08-31-2007, 01:20 PM   #717
machievelli
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Darth Wyyrlok II the Undead warrior
The Padawan

Set before and during TSL: A Sith lord’s rise to power and immortality.


I see others have commented, so I will try to avoid repeating them. You have a tendency to put commas in the wrong place, tend to use the wrong word (Torture should have been tortured for example, blockade instead of barricade.) You also jump back and forth from past to present tense. Last, your wording is cumbersome sometimes. It causes the reader to mentally stumble. Before you post the next segment, try rereading and editing. The words should draw your reader along, like a river. But not like a section of rapids. It’s like cake or pancake dough. It must be beaten smooth before you continue.


Technical note: As much as it looked like Luke went from one handed to a prosthetic hand within a day or so, even in this future we write about prosthetic surgery is not a slap on and it works situation. For something capable of mimicking the human hand you would need several days at least to get it made, set, and working properly then time to get used to it. As an example, in the Young Jedi Knights series, one of the Jedi lost her arm in an accident. It was estimated by the doctor that it would take several weeks to replace it.

The Dark Republic's rise and Fall
Paul Rhodes

Set 6 years after Yavin: A dead Sith lord tells his story to Luke Skywalker

The style is a bit cumbersome, with no definition of who is speaking. There is no action to speak of until the character Hannah Shan show up and no description to speak of at all.

If this is a relative of Bastila you should be more specific of timeline. 4,000 years earlier is not sufficient.

Love and Kisses

JediMaster12

Several years after TSL: A man reminisces on a very special day.

The style is good, the polishing well done. The story is well told, and worth a look.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Drifting Wind
JediDad

In the interim between ROTS and ANH: A safari goes wrong.

The writing is workmanlike, the basis of the story well suggested. Only problems I saw were editing and polishing ones.

Technical note: First, Toydarians are not that big. If Watto was a standard example of his race he only stands about 18 inches tall, half the size of an Ewok while a Devaronian is described as being man sized. Wingo could have slowed his fall, but not by much. The wings aren’t large enough. Even on such safaris in Africa today, the party would not go unarmed or without armed guards. With vehicles instead of bearers, the average safari party these days are around ten.



Kotorfanmedia

It Had to Be Done
Mythra

After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan can think of only one thing to do.

The story is well written, the plot well done.

Fractured Souls
Leelu

Before the attack on the Endar Spire: A better look at the crew of that ill-fated ship.

The style is good, and the situation well defined. Interesting, most do not bother to cover this, because the game starts with the ship’s destruction.

Technical note: While both sides were hiring mercenaries, no modern military can afford to do that except in highly specialized situations where they don’t have what they need to cover it. Too many also remember what Nicollo Machiavelli had to say about them.

In the Silence of Space
Furiae

After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan decides she needs to have a drink…

The style is good, the scene well done, the rationale perfect. You must be an anime fan because one line ‘because I have a manly sounding name’ sounds like one from the Slayers series.

Ain’t Love Grand
Angeloftheflame

A dream concurrent with the attack on Telos: The Jedi Hero has an odd dream about Revan’s past.

The word is stasis, not status. Remember to edit before posting because everything I saw wrong was an editing problem.

The work is good in and of itself, and an enjoyable read. This is part of Revan’s life not usually looked at, and well worth the effort you put into it.


Soft
Sass

During KOTOR after destruction of Taris: Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on…

The style is crisp and clean, the subject matter done and overdone. But Sass found a way to not only make it unique, but made you look at one of those stock characters in a new light. My pick of the week.

The Jedi and the Jacket
Jedi Chick

After KOTOR: How far will Carth go to get his favorite jacket back?

The piece was well done, a cute bit a fluff according to the author, and I agree.

But it was a very nice bit of fluff.

A Beautiful Jedi, A Fearsome Sith
Malak’s Mistress

During climatic battle of KOTOR: What is more important, power or love?

The only point I would try to correct in this work is that you didn’t clearly define who was speaking. It caused the ride to be a bit bumpy, though the work is well worth that.

Friendships Taken Farther
RavenRand16

What I enjoy sometimes is someone who makes me work on a review. I read page one, which was the Endear Spire action yet again, and I couldn’t decide. The work was good, but was it?

Unsatisfied I went on to page two, which is the apartment complex scenes from Taris.

That was when I figured out what was wrong. You’re looking at this as merely expanding on the game, but at the same time you keep using references that tie it to the game specifically, upping a weapon for example. Remember that the game is an extension of the EU, not the other way around. Smooth that out, and I call it very good work.

Surprises- New Allies
Jedi Rowan

Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity.

Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people.

The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 09-07-2007 at 03:26 PM. Reason: improper posting
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Old 09-04-2007, 12:07 PM   #718
JediMaster12
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Another review under my belt and yet I feel that I am growing old. Mach as always I appreciate the reviews you give me because you give me honest feedback. As any good writer, I look for insightful feedback to think about. Love and Kisses I consider one of my better pieces because I am at that stage of sixteen and spreading wings in the big world. I understand it because my own Pops is doing the same. Maybe that's what makes the writer a good one. The ability to relate to your characters and make them meaningful.

That said and done, I am happy with the review and fo the others that mach reviewed, I recommend as well.

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Old 09-07-2007, 03:30 PM   #719
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

A Hero's Journey
Mr. BFA

Some problems with wording. Learnt and burnt are proper but interrupt the flow. Happier rather than more happy

With the sentence “We have spies,” replied Thorin, “amongst the order that send us reports every six months’ would have made more sense by moving the reply to the end of that sentence. It breaks the thought at a time that causes a reader to stumble. ‘Him and the rest of his companions’ should be ‘he and his companions’. Everything I have notated are editing problems, kid, so reread, edit, rewrite, then polish.

The basic idea is good, the story does compel. Keep it up.

Technical note: If your character is supposed to have specialized knowledge, be sure you know something about it as well. A current of airflow above or below a storm is not as significant as having that storm move against the obvious wind at that level. Think of clouds moving toward the storm and past it in the opposite direction.

Nine Circles
Tysyacha

Set during the Legacy of the Force series: The fall of a Jedi compared to the 9 circles of hell.

I was a bit leery when reading the intro, but it was a refreshing read. Tysyacha’s style has improved with every passing story, and this is definitely worth the wait.

Kotorfanmedia

Looking Past Reflections
Crislyn Tankari

Before KOTOR: A new arrival comes aboard Endar Spire

The writing style is good, needing only a bit of polish. Don’t take that as a negative, anything ever written should be polished a bit more. The interplay between Trask and the main character is interesting, not following the basic story line of the game, making me wonder if Trask hadn’t been reprogrammed as well. Your take on Ashandra is refreshing, more gut level than empirical. I liked it.

Shinobu Okumichi
Jedi Rowan

After the Star Forge: A different take on how our Hero(ine) came to be

An interesting read. Having liked the Firefly series (Never got to see it on air, but the DVDs are out) and Serenity I recognized the quote. The story is interesting, yet disturbing. Like the Cestus Deception, which I liked, but didn’t like, it makes the Jedi out to be a bit too duplicitous for my tastes.

But still worth the read.

When what you know isn’t true
Bechino Yum

The Intro to KOTOR: The life of a soldier.

There is some editing needed, but all in all a good read.

Technical note: First, marines on aircraft carrier might do close order drill, but on most ships you don’t have the space. If you assume the Endar Spire is 500 meters long, the largest area you would have for such an evolution would be less than 40 meters (120 feet) square. Since it is a warship, that space would more likely be filled with supply canisters or snub fighters.

An awakening from darkness
Lisa8507

Events During the Mandalorian War: Revan and Malak consider violating the Council Order.

You forgot words some times, something I tend to do when I am thinking faster than I type. All in all though worth the read.

Technical note: What Revan planned would not be treason, as that is a political crime. It would rather be a schism within a religious order.

Accidental Oblivion
Taokan

After TSL: The patient wait continues…

The style is good, the story well done. My only complaint is that it is too short.

The Beginning
Aelis

After KOTOR: Revan sets out for the Outer Rim

An interesting introspective take on the situation. Well done and thought provoking. Like the line from the Movie King Kong ‘I’m not a hero. Heroes have beer bellies. I’m just an actor with a gun’.

Very good work.

The Cat Came Back
Kian

After TSL: Revan returns from her mission

The story was so well done that 19 people gave it a thumbs up. The situation and flow was smooth as silk, the emotional interplay perfect. My pick of the week.

Lord of the Sith
AkiraLamont

Start of KOTOR: When Carth meets the heroine

A journeyman style and basic outlay of the situation aboard the Endar Spire before and during the attack.

Technical note: While British Commonwealth and French ships do have liquor rations for their troops, they would call it respectively the Officer’s Mess, and the EM club, not a cantina.

Goodbyes
Grimrabbit

Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan leaves for her quest

Grimrabbirt has not graced this column recently, which makes the appearances that much better. The piece is short sweet, and loaded venom. The breaking up part was well done, and her reasoning perfect. The line ‘I’m a sith lord by occupation’ was a bit over done, but still good.

Epilogue to Redemption
Riansage

After TSL: Revan and…who?

The start, a typical scandalmonger program, was fun, but the interplay of the two viewing it was soft gentle and poignant. A very well done piece.


A brief note for anyone interested; I decided to expand When last we met. I think It will be a full length novel by the end. Anyone interested in the life and times of an intelligence agent should look at it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-12-2007, 03:21 AM   #720
The_Catto
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Thanks for the review Mach.
That technical stuff really wasn't supposed to be in there in the draft that I first posted up there. I realized I didn't know anything about storms and weather pattern's and the likes. Sure I learned stuff back at school when I took Geography for a term but that was a whole 3 years ago!

Anyways, thanks again for the review.

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