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Old 09-14-2007, 12:51 PM   #721
machievelli
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Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

New Jedi Order - Falling Darkness
Nighvision90

Alternate universe during NJO: A new mission might spell the end of the New Republic.

Primary problem is forgetting to have conversation breaks a couple of times. This is an editing problem, so no major complaints.

The story is interesting enough that I am hoping for more.


Kotorfanmedia

Nightmares
Lnicol1990

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: The Nightmares caused an unanticipated reaction.

The style is good, the story excellent. Others have commented on it, and I agree with the one saying a scene appeared to be missing, but still very good.

Destiny’s Pawn: Taris - Chapter One
Allronix

The incident on Taris: The heroes of our tale begin their quest


Forgot some words, left out ‘an’ in the phrase ‘in abandoned apartment’. Very few such flaws. Good work up to your usual standards.


The Shadows of the Rm
Hyperion Rising

During TSL, probably first scene: An interesting take on waking up on Peragus…

Most people and the game have you go from unconscious to full mobility after waking up from the bacta tank. This was an interesting look at the aftereffects of any meds still in the system. A very good read.

Revan’s Return
AkiraLamont

Five years after Revan left: What will happen when Revan finally comes home?

A well done piece that covers the basic situation we have all thought of. A workmanlike job of writing worth a read.

Girl Talk
AkiraLamont

Two days after Leviathan Revelation: Sometimes you need a little push…

There were some words used incorrectly, but that is an editing problem. The story is well done and the idea so fitting for the characters. 15 others who gave it thumbs up agree.

Is It Any Wonder
JadesFire

After the Revelation aboard Leviathan: How can you deal with what you now know? How does Revan deal with it?

I’m not much on song fics. But the story is well done, the lyrics interwoven in such a way they fit the outline of it, and make it more interesting. Well worth reading.

42-B7
Jiara

During mission to Tatooine in KOTOR: Why was that crate loaded anyway?

Very well written, and very funny. The one thing that had bothered me with this sequence is why was that crate delivered and more important, why was it accepted? The reaction aboard was choice. From Juhani to Canderous to Mission.

My pick of the week.

An Unexpected Love Story
Ocelott

After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it?

The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading.

Confiding in a Creature Not So Often Loved
RavenRand16

After TSL: When you need a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear, does it matter if they have these appendages?

The story is short, sweet and to the point. It is well worth the effort to read it.

The Mortal Coil
Grimrabbit

After TSL: Revan returns to what?

So full of angst, so full of woe; so good and worth reading.

In the Beginning
Malak’s Mistress

During the Mandalorian Wars: Young Jedi decide to fight.

The story is good, the subject matter rarely covered. The only character I was curious about was Jayda. If she’s supposed to be the Exile as her position with Revan and Malak suggests, why would she be surprised by Mical later?

A good look at the period, worth reading.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:10 PM   #722
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An Unexpected Love Story
Ocelott

After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it?

The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading.
Thanks for the review! Of all my fics, this one was the most fun to write. I'm glad others are having a good time reading it.


"Never make promises in the dark. Always wait until dawn."
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Old 09-21-2007, 02:35 PM   #723
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I had an interesting time getting this review done. First there was only one new post here, and KFM were in the throes of their annual 'pirate' motif. So I was sure I wouldn't have anything to review.

But the pirate flag vanished yesterday, but LF was down.

Go figure. But I did it.

Kotorfanmedia

Rogue in the Mist
Jedi Master Ariana

Alternate Universe 15 years after the Star Forge: One event can change your entire life.

In the sentence ‘Sage didn’t regard her brother’s voice with movement’ I think you meant reward. When it comes to complaints and editing that is pretty much it.

A very well done piece. Unfortunately, I never have the time to read all of anyone’s works; real life, work and my own writing interferes. But this one is one I think I would really enjoy reading. The one section I did read didn’t tell me who the ‘father’ was, but made me wonder why his children would be that important to Revan. But I want to find out.

The Silent Listener
Aelis

After the Leviathan incident: When you need someone to talk to, it doesn’t matter who or even what they are…

The piece is well written, the story easy to follow, and intriguing. My only complaint is that you didn’t let us hear the message. I think it would have helped the Exile a lot to hear that the same problems she is having are not unique.


The Evanescent Orphan
Lirael

After TSL: It takes a thief to catch a thief…

I think you meant come on when you wrote common. That is an editing problem, and that is all I saw wrong with this piece on a technical level.


Breaking Down
Lady Revan

After the Leviathan Incident: Sometimes even the strongest needs to be held.

The piece grips you and drags you along. While that sounds violent, it’s a willing capture as LR drags you along, makes you see what Revan sees, feel what Revan feels. My first pick of the week.

If Everyone Cared
Neni

After the Leviathan revelation: Can Carth be convinced to trust her again?

I am not much on songfics, but this was good albeit short. Having the entire work be dialogue is an interesting twist.

Second Thoughts
Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance

Three years after KOTOR: Divorced from the Jedi, Revan has second thoughts about her choices.

Both Prisoner and Dinah have graced these pages before, and this collaboration is the best yet. The characters live, their feelings for each other are real, and I wonder as Revan did, if it was real or not. But being willing to take that chance is what love is all about.

Others above have given the authors problems because of the interplay, but what I saw was the teasing you'd expect from any pair trying to make a fresh start and feeling a bit uncomfortable with it. One complaining about how much luggage, the other claiming to have left most of her shoes, then the man passing over what he had done buying a bed by claiming he'd merely bought the most expensive one.

My second pick of the week.



Time to erase the past and make it new…
RavenRand16

After TSL: So much that was lost can be gained if you reach out for it.

The phrase ‘the ship she took’ suggests present tense. It would have been better to say ‘The ship she had taken’ instead. That said I loved it. The idea that the one you love now is like the one you first loved is an old story, but it is handled here superbly. The only way it could have been better would have been arriving on Telos to discover that Carth and Brianna had gotten together for the very same reason.

My third pick of the week.

Forgiveness
The True Exile

After Leviathan revelation: Sometime you just need some sense slapped into you…

The piece is well written, the situation well portrayed. While some have given you grief because of the slapping scene, I remember friends of mine in Greek and Italian families where when you stuffed your foot in your mouth like Carth did, everyone felt they had the right to slap some sense into you. I was just surprised that Canderous didn’t either hit him or tell him how much of an idiot he was. In fact if he had merely given him that minatory look and stalked out, it would have been perfect.

Badgering Business, chapter 1
Kim Badger

Before KOTOR: A look behind the sets in the making of Revan…

Though each of us has our version of Revan, how and why she was reprogrammed her, most of us have not looked behind the scenes as it were, seen the famous ‘man behind the curtain’ from the Wizard of Oz. A refreshing look at the situation.

Not Much of a Love Story—Ch. 1
Sollie

After the Leviathan revelation: Everyone has issues to work out…

The style is good, the angst very real. We all know both Revan and Carth have to fight their way through this, and we know or at least hope they will succeed.

Those to Come - Prologue
SithHappens14

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan is driven to make a decision.

The style is good, the story well rounded. A pity I won’t have time to read it all.

Homecoming
McFinnegan

After KOTOR: Sometimes the only one that can forgive you is you.

McFinnegan has at times shown us humor or shown us angst.

But this was perfect. I only wish it was the only one I can say this next about.

My fourth pick of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-28-2007, 02:04 PM   #724
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This week is all LF. Not because I thought it would balance out, but because they revamped the KFM site and I was hopelessly frustrated. I'll be back in there again next week though

The Path of Revan
Grace

4100 years after KOTOR: A young exile decides to follow Revan’s path.

The story is well written, though I have to agree with the statements made by other reviewers. The path is a little too clearly laid out. Not breadcrumbs scattered along, but huge billboards. A simpler way that would have been more successful would have been having her follow along and listen rather than having ‘spirit guides’ every step of the way. Have them instead watching and nudging her.

I also agree we should get more.

Frozen
Bee Hoon

During TSL: A descent into madness.

Problems with editing, but nothing major; remember to punctuate at the end of dialogue.

This is excellent work Bee Hoon. I could watch the fall with both a clinical admiration, and a disturbing alarm. You did what I did not in my own TSL work, looked inside how Atris had fallen. I gave reason, but you give us the sand castle crumpling.

If I had voted, you would have gotten one.

Desperate Times, Desperate People

Starmark2K

Minor problems with editing. It’s on board, not on born.

Technical note: Most occupation forces, even the worst ones, avoid merely killing people because they are at present not of value.

Having them sent off to a concentration camp and disappear I feel would have been a better way to show casual brutality instead of just killing them.

It was a bit off topic I agree, but well done anyway.

He Who Wins
Topsite

Anything negative I could have said has already been addressed. The piece does have one problem, but it is on a personal level.

You see Qui Gon was a believer in the Unifying Force, unlike most of the masters. In the book of the first movie he debated with Obi Wan because his apprentice had followed the other path. He would have understood Anakin’s problems with losing his mother more readily than Obi Wan, and when it came to the attack on Padme, he would have been more able to talk the hotheaded kid down.

But that is two different views of the same character, and both are equally valid.

Descent Into Shadow

Darth InSidious

Long after TSL: Oldtimers reminisce before a young Padawan

I agree with the comment that it was surprise, and it was an enjoyable read. The only real complaint is there should have been more of a disparity in ages between Carth and Canderous. Remember Carth was in his forties (Approximately estimated from time he claimed having served) While Canderous claimed to have fought over 40 years, and assuming an age of 15, that would make him a minimum of mid to late 60s in KOTOR.

I especially liked your comment in a reply;

‘I was a bit worried about this, but the three of them just wouldn't do as I meant them to....’

I always thought I was the only one that had my characters take off into right field when I was working.

No Escape

Igyman

No specific period given: A woman willingly embraces the dark

Anything negative that could be said has already been said. I enjoyed as did Tysyacha the stepping from ‘promising employee’ to removal anticipated.

The primary problems I had with it are technical; as efficient as she is supposed to be, I was surprised that she merely took the man’s word that she would be allowed to walk away. If he had been a senior company employee (Say her own boss) it would have made more sense.

Second; the man she faced was stupid in that he didn’t disarm her. That would have made more sense.

I thought however knowing why her family had been slaughtered would have been better. In an old Black Exploitation move whose name escapes me, you have a man’s girlfriend hunted down and killed because she had taped a mobster’s meeting. The lover goes after the man who ordered her death, and finds the tape. But the tape is barely audible. So the woman died for nothing, and the criminal could have let her live, because he brought his doom down for nothing.

One I would have voted for.

For the Greater Good
Emperor Devon

KOTOR at the Rakata Temple: It is so easy to slip across the line…

Everyone has already dinged you on what needs dinging, ED. That said, all I have to say is this:

Great work! I liked the way you laid it out, how it progressed, and the denouement. I especially liked the special neural collar. Put the decision fully in Bastila’s hands.

I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind.

One of those I would have voted for.

Descent to Darkness

Jae Onasi

Pre KOTOR: Revan and Malak go willingly into the dark.

The work is good, Jae. I am not dinging you on he instead of she. It left me with the suspicion that the masters had to have lied to our player when you return later. That was why I had Revan in my work find the map before they left.

That said I disagree with Bee Hoon that they should have been disarmed. It makes sense that no matter how hard you are inside, you need R&R, and this could have easily been during one of those brief breaks. I would have had them banning them from entering the temple however because that would have allowed them to seduce even more Jedi.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-28-2007, 09:57 PM   #725
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Thanks for the review Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""?



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 09-29-2007, 10:23 AM   #726
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Thanks for the review Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""?
correct. YOu did it twice if I recall


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:29 AM   #727
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Here's the rules on punctuation in or around quotation marks.

Thanks for the review, machievelli. I appreciate the information.


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Old 09-30-2007, 09:38 AM   #728
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Thanks for the review, mach. Honest and professional, as it should be. I'll try to fix some of the things you mentioned in the [FIN] version.

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Old 10-05-2007, 01:50 PM   #729
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Alien: New Frontiers
Phantom Knight

No specific era given: The Aliens from that series of movies move into the Star Wars universe…

When you described the face hugger on the victim you forgot the possessive (Around the victim’s). You don’t have to capitalize a job or designation. Parasite did not need it, and the following paragraphs with the medical specialties did not either.

When describing a person you do not say ‘whom’.

Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat.

The basic idea isn’t too bad, and the flow works well except for cumbersome sentences, and problems with description. As I have told so many before, edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

Technical: The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems. As an example, an American doctor rarely sees a case of say Ebola, though a doctor in the Congo would know exactly what to look for. A medical data base such as say Walter Reed Hospital has covers every known parasitic species of our planet, and it would be logical that their hospital would have such a resource spanning not just the planet but every such danger for a sector or more at least. It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form. Remember that the Nostromo from the original Alien did not have such capability, but the Sulaco from the second movie did, because the equipment was used in the third movie by Ripley to find the implanted Alien queen embryo.

If you had made it a small trading outpost the following events could happen. But making it the equivalent of a city with proper medical facilities sort of leaves me wondering about the competency of the medical staff.

Kotorfanmedia

When KFM did their rework of the website last week I found I had to go back literally to the beginning to find my place. This was frustrating but not a wholly bad thing. I had missed the first five reviews below the first time around somehow. But better late than never.

Shards
Karacat

Continuation of Revival: As Revan waits to enter the Rakata temple, she looks at the shards of her recently discovered memories.

The style drags a bit, but it is a good piece of work. The description of her shattered memories as shards of crystal is a good analogy well played and used.

Hope Rekindled
Shara Kortarr

Prelude to KOTOR: As a young woman prepares to join the crew of the Endar Spire, another worries about her mission.

The writing is good, needing only a polish to make it shine. Well worth reading.


The Sith Captive
Walruseater


During events of KOTOR: The sister of Revan is captured, but The Sith find they have bitten off more than they can chew.

The piece is an excellent example of Walruseater’s work. My first pick of this week

Men Don’t Cry
Aminta Jae

Two Years after KOTOR: A family reunion of sorts

Wrong word used, probably a typo (He instead of we) Thei instead of their, that kind of thing. A simple polish is all that is needed.

The basic story is sound, and the man waiting patiently for the return of the woman he loves is well done.

The Way Things Are
Amoinete

Prelude to KOTOR: After a disastrous mission a scout decides to try again by joining the crew of Endar Spire.

The piece is well done, the history and byplay excellent. The second choice for pick of this week.

Fighting Sticks
Starwars Chick

KOTOR During Taris Segment: A duelist finds something else to fight for.

The piece is pretty well done though rather vague at times. Bringing in another character adds to the spice of the scene.

Why
JadesFire

At the Star Forge: There has to be a reason why Carth followed a dark Revan aboard the Star Forge

The piece surprised me. I hadn’t expected it to go this way, yet when I got to the end, I had to agree with the author. It would probably have been this way.

Third Pick of the Week.

Coming up for Air
The True Exile

After TSL: Sometimes they don’t live happily ever after

Problems with word usage, and cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing and rereading problem easily corrected.

The story was a bit contrived, and you pushed it a bit far, but all in all a good read. Try polishing it a bit more before you post next time.


The Admiral's Daughter
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child.

The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none.


Save the Galaxy
Rainwood

KOTOR During Kashyyyk mission: They want me to do what?

I started into this expecting nothing. I left it chuckling because most ‘heroes’ don’t have angst, don’t have worries, are sure they will at least take a swing at the mission.

This is a breath of fresh air from dealing with a programmed ‘here to there’ adventure. Another pick of the week, but this one is THE pick of the week.

Darth Gizka
JadesFire

A year after TSL: Just when you thought they were gone…

Between a squeaky toy in the form of Canderous, Carth’s life hanging in the mouth of a Gizka, and the Gizka’s commentary, it was a choice piece of fun. One of the two best I have read about the little critters.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-05-2007, 07:25 PM   #730
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A late thanks for the review, mach! I'm quite flattered to hear you'd have voted for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mach
I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind.
It's the way he's portrayed KotOR, I suppose. There's no direct evidence in it he actually has a mind apart from taking advantage of a foolishly trusting master.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
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Old 10-06-2007, 09:19 AM   #731
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Admiral's Daughter
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child.

The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none.
Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again.

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 10-06-2007 at 02:58 PM. Reason: fixed quote tag
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Old 10-06-2007, 10:25 AM   #732
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jediserenity82
Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again.

It's good to hear from someone over at KFM. The primary reason I was bothered by the ending is that I didn't meet by biological father until I was 30. I think of how much my life might have been different if there had been that contact growing up.

I hope you get past the writer's block. It was well worth the read, and I hope tp see more.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 10-06-2007 at 02:59 PM. Reason: fixed quote tag
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Old 10-12-2007, 01:08 PM   #733
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When I ran out of specifics to review here at LF, I asked that anyone who might have been missed please let me know. Thanks to that, we have the following piece missed about four months ago during my problem-with-moving time.

Shadows of Hope
JediMaster 12

A year after Order 66:

Some word usage problems resist instead of resisted, lead instead of led. When you said the people were objective did you mean accepting or irritated by it.

The basics are good the story needs editing and polishing but who has avoided that comment from me?

Solovey: A Fable About Faith
Tysyacha

Non Star Wars Russian Fable: How do you judge a person’s actions?

The story is good, Tys. The scansion for a child’s fairy tale or fable is perfect. Having worked on stage for several years as a storyteller at the Renaissance fair, I am only bothered that this was one I was not able to tell.

Kotorfanmedia


Crisis in Infinite Galaxies:
Sikon

At the end of TSL: Alternate realities converge.

There were some problems, but all are editing and polishing ones.

The basis of the story is intriguing, and fun. Sort of like the ‘Five Doctor’s’ Episode of Doctor Who. Everyone connected by a single series of events, but different because of the alternate universes themselves.

Friendly Advice
Codename SailorV

Before meeting on Dantooine: Lena tries to help yet another girl.

The story is well done, the sadness of a woman betrayed back into poverty excellently portrayed. One of my picks of the week.

Lucky number Sevyn
Sevyn

Start of KOTOR: A dream segues into our story…

The primary negatives mentioned about this work have already been addressed. Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing it because as Onasilvslv said, you get better with practice. I could always tell you about my first attempt at writing at all… I shudder to think I did something that bad.

The Master and the Apprentice
RevanRules

Some word usage problems, repeated instead of repeating awoken instead of awakened. Forgetting to finish sentences (I'm A lot of girls are going to hate me for becoming Master Kavar's FIRST padawan.) and forgetting conversation breaks. But remember these are editing problems. I suffer from them all when the creative juices flow, especially with a keyboard that inserts an R almost every time I hit a T E or F. Slow down, read, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish.

The basics are interesting, showing another glimpse of the inner workings of the training. I have to agree that the bonding ceremony does look suspiciously like a wedding.

Misery Loves Company
Jae Onasi

After the Leviathan revelation: In vino et Veritas

Having been on one of these ‘the world hates me’ binges as both participant and princip0le, I have to applaud Jae’s take on the phenomenon. I thought it interesting that Canderous had a thing for her, but also that he had already buried one wife he deeply loved, and wasn’t sure he wanted to do that again. One of my picks of this week.

In Dealing With Rejection and Abandonment
Revans Pet Duck

During Interim Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan’s departure hurt more than Carth and Bastila…

What can I say that others have not? The piece flowed well, the angry seen between the lover and unrequited lover smoothly done. The collapse of the meet was done a bit quickly though I think it was because you were clearing the decks for action. The only think I can honestly say then is;

One of My picks of this week.

Galactic Basic
RyannQuinn

During trip from the Planet to Star Forge: Sometimes you have trouble saying the words.

This was one of the best-crafted stories I have seen in a long time. The angst of Juhani at being rejected, the pain of knowing someone else is getting what you have wanted, the desire for a shoulder to cry on, even the problems with translating what you want to say into another language. All well done. One of my picks of the week

For the Love of Food
Innicol1990

During KOTOR: Be careful when HK is the cook…

The idea of HK cooking was amusing, and I anticipated not only his ‘tweaking’ but the main ingredient. But that didn’t mean I don’t like the piece.

Including the fact that being a little girl Mission might have a thing for cute animals everything else went as I expected. Carth and Bastila reacting exactly the same way was choice. A funny piece.

Someone made a comment regarding having a famous General being a vegetarian, but Himmler and Hitler were vegetarians, as was Sun Tzu according to what I have read.

The Shadows of the Rim, Interlude 1: Morning Will Come
Hyperion Rising

Two Years After TSL: There are times you need to relax, even if it means drinking and dancing on tables

The piece was well wrought, the basic situation a standard through fiction of the wait before the action begins. I like the comment that the Exile likes to dance, and just uses getting drunk as an excuse to do so choice. Like the drunk looking in a lamp store to see which lampshade he’ll wear. Using Mission as the Intelligence agent was a bit much, but by then I didn’t care.

One of my picks for this week.

Dark Hero - Chapter 1 - Awakening
Rakeesh

Before KOTOR: What do you do with a mind dead person? Especially when they won’t stay in one place?

This one surprised me a lot. I’m sitting here thinking; Now how is this author going to handle the problem?

Then Revan goes for a walk.

One of my picks of the week, and I just wish the author would send me a copy of the completed work. I want to read it all and don’t have access to the net all the time.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-19-2007, 03:34 PM   #734
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Kotorfanmedia

The True Sith
Jaina Solo

A few weeks after KOTOR: Struggling with what she once was, Revan makes plans for going into the Unknown Regions

I love it when some of the best is the first I see. The story has an excellent start, the style clean and crisp, the motives behind continuing well defined. Another one of those I wish I had time to read in it’s entirety. Already on my list for pick of the week, and it’s only the first I’ve seen today.

The Jedi and the Mandalorian:
RevanRand16

After Revan’s return from the Outer Regions: A long delayed reunion approaches

I can understand your frustration RR. You bust your hump, put it down on paper, tweak it, edit it, rewrite it, present it and nada. But you did good kid. If that isn’t enough praise, how about this:

On my list for pick of the week

Carth and The Fangirl
Tatooine92

Alternate Universe: Carth faces his fans, sort of…

Here I am, having read a serious work above, then a poignant one after it.

And I get blindsided by this one. Too choice, and very funny, especially the end.
So what can I say?

Another pick of the week

Final Battles
Prisoner24601

30 years after TSL: Everyone faces their own final battle.

The piece was so well done, the characters well defined, I hated to read it this week because everything I have read so far was so great. The end for Canderous was so perfect that I couldn’t complain beyond the same one about the period of time. If it had happened when it was just her and the children (Say fifteen years) it might have been better.

The only kudo I can give here is what I have already said above.

Right now I’m hoping on one side that all are that good, or nothing else comes up to this level. Because so far everything has been picked…

Even When All the Moons Stop Shining
Belladonna

Seven Years after KOTOR: Will the love still be there?

The only complaint I have is with this one sentence:
‘Their sole duty was to make sure she showed up on time for whatever dinner or celebration one senator or another wanted the famous crew of the Ebon Hawk to make an appearance at.’ Where you needed to smooth it out.

That said, the work is excellent and the way you set it up perfect.

Finger Puppets
RevanRules

During TSL: What does the exile do for amusement? Well she…

Minor problems with spelling and smoothing out the work, nothing that editing can’t cure. You keep repeating craft which I knew meant arts and craft but it caused me to stumble when I was reading. Don’t feel bad, I tell everyone they need to edit, and I edit my own work over and over.

The basics of the story are good, the idea that a rough tough warrior would find finger puppet amusing was cute, but the ‘get revenge on Atton’ part was really choice.

Leviathan - Part One
Tatooine92

KOTOR During Leviathan Incident: A generic retelling of the scene.

The work is good, the scene well laid out. I agree that you should avoid the standard dialogue, but that is my own quirk.

When I wrote my own version of the escape I liked each one so much that I just combined them (The Crew that wishes to remain nameless) figuring in real life that none of them would merely sit in a cell and allow themselves to be abused.

Well worth the read.

Dark Origin
Tasca Lumina

Approximately six months after TSL:

Remember conversation breaks. Remember to edit so the style is smoother.

The basics are good and the storyline compelling. The comments above were the only stumbling blocks I ran into, and they are an editing problem.

Technical note: A capital ship is a battleship or battle cruiser, none of which actually exist if you want to be technical about classes they are given in the games books movies etc. The Republic ships of the game are usually called Frigates, which are smaller vessels though I think that is more lack of specific knowledge by the writers.

I have always considered the Corellian Frigate and the Mon Calamari ships from The Return of the Jedi as light and heavy cruisers with the Star Destroyer also heavy cruisers and SSD as battleships.

The Many Woes of Bastila Shan
Katara Ironarm

KOTOR on Tatooine: During a storm, Canderous and Bastila have a private moment

There was one word usage problem; the term is rerouting, not resorting.

The basics are there, the scene interesting enough to keep you going. The idea that Canderous would be actually nice to Bastila was an interesting twist, as was her reaction to it.

Retribution
Tasca Lumina

KOTOR, The Destruction of Taris: What, you mean he had another reason?

You forgot conversation breaks a couple of times. Again, editing problems.

The story is interesting, the reasoning behind Malak’s callous destruction a bit sad. It needs work, but it still is one of my picks of the week

Broken Promises
Lady Revan

After KOTOR: Where can you run from yourself?

The writing is up to her usual high standards, the story excellent. The idea that Revan had literally ‘run away from home’ before heading for the Outer Regions is an intriguing possibility. Another of those I wish I could get full copies of so I can read it.

Another pick of the week

Showdown With a Little Old Man
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Taris: Hatred will make you do things.

Considering how much I loathe the average bigot this story was a breath of sweet air. The one part of Taris that always irked me was that you didn’t get a chance to put that old SOB in his proper place.

Tat, I am not giving you another pick of the week. Primarily because you’re getting a best author of the week from me. Everything I’ve seen this week of yours was good.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-20-2007, 12:21 AM   #735
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Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome).

Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat.
Yeah, sorry. I feel I didn't give the full description of the city in the prologue, so I gave more detail in the second chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems...

It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form.
I was under the impression that if the embryo were to remain undiscovered, and suddenly bursts out of the guys chest, it would make a nice twist and introduction of the alien. But now that you mention it, I suppose the medical staff lacking the technology to detect the alien (when it is the Star Wars universe) does seem kinda crummy.

Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy?
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Old 10-20-2007, 10:27 AM   #736
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Knight
Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome).

Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy?
Kid, I did not say it sucked. My biggest problem since I began writing myself (Years before you were born) is that I critique the story when I see movies and read books even today. My biggest pet peeve is the full auto blasting with anything capable of it just because it looks snazzy.

I was irritated with the original Alien until I found out that the Android Ash was the doctor, which explained why they didn't notice it.

As I said, it was the setting that spoiled the scene. Everything else was pretty good.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-25-2007, 11:28 PM   #737
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Tommorw the library is closed so I'm posting this early.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Such A Quiet Thing
Uilleand
Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia.

The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course.

The first pick of this week,

Healing Touch
Uilleand

Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton…

Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done.

Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week.

Legacy of the Force FanFic: Legacy's End
Empress Padme

During LOTF: Vengeance must be mine…

The basic premise is good; the style needs polish, but no real complaints.

The story is a bit contrived, but the reasoning is sound. The only other option would be if someone who didn’t know him plotted this death. Please continue.

Kotorfanmedia


The Reality of Things
Miraea Starr

Prelude to KOTOR: A specialist is cozened into joining the Endar Spire

The style is good, the basics sound. Making the main character the equivalent of a forensic pathologist is an interesting idea. Keep it up.

Bad Days
Ellecrys

After KOTOR: The take on why Revan went into the Outer Regions…

The piece is short and sweet. The style is good, and the piece compelling. Enough so that it is one of my Picks for this week.


Fires of Change
Onasilvslv

Prelude to KOTOR: What Revan did during that time before the Endar Spire.

The style is pure Onasilvslv having reviewed the author’s work before. The story only caused one twinge, that because no one had suggested a lag time of a year or more before the story begins. Can’t say it detracts though. One of my Picks for this week.

Something to Remember
Grimrabbit

Alternate Universe preKOTOR: Maybe we shouldn’t let their imaginations run too wild…

The piece bothered me in only two ways. Since it was done without word wrap, it ran straight across the page. To read it, I had to copy paste into word, then read it.

That said I was glad I did what was needed. The piece was intriguing in the ‘all right what will they do?’ way, and seeing what Revan did for her ‘free range’ class project was a laugh.

The idea that the students would practice with their lightsabers by massacring the Kath hounds disturbed me on another level but the idea did not detract from the quality of the work.

Truce
Prisoner24601

Alternate Universe KOTOR On Taris after Bastila’s Rescue: Carth struggles to understand his feelings.

One of the ‘What If’ entries, this piece is well worth reading. You get the flavor of someone trying to conceal knowledge without giving up his feeling, which causes the frustration that was so prevalent in the Taris Mission specifically.

The only way it could have been better is if it had been on Leviathan with Saul telling him and Carth saying ‘so?’. One of the picks for this week.

Spiteful
Grimrabbit

Alternate Universe KOTOR: Considering the last piece, what happens when she finds out?

The set up is great, reminding me of the Osterman Weekend with it’s layer by layer secrecy until the main character is trapped.

While I had to agree that the piece jumped scenes abruptly, it makes a perfect companion piece to the part above.

Great Sacrifice
Lady Revan

Pre-TSL: What if Revan had taken someone with her?

A well-written piece with everything a good story requires.

This story got a lot of comments, and I have to agree and disagree with some of them. In the middle of a fight is not the time to wax philosophical. And if sitting with the body long after they are dead doesn’t show love, I don’t know what would. As much as some picked at specific lines, the ending; ‘How did Carth continue forward after Telos? I wasn't sure, but I knew if I sat there for the rest of time, I'd never have that answer’ said it all. Life is going on afterward, no matter how much it hurts.

Superiority at any cost?
Lnicol1990

During Korriban Mission KOTOR: Lessons of pain last…

The style was good, but the basic story a bit static and lackluster. The best scene is the sparring between Revan and Dustil because you put more into it. The comment at the end of that scene is the one I always wished someone would use to the ‘the dark side is automatically stronger’ types.

Revenance, Part I
Alatriel Elen

During TSL: marooned, all Revan had were her thoughts.

The piece is good because of many things. The ‘why did I do this to myself’ attitude; the falling back into childhood fears, the relief upon rescue all protrayed.

My only real question is what’s on the data chip?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-29-2007, 03:59 PM   #738
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli

Such A Quiet Thing
Uilleand
Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia.

The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course.

The first pick of this week,

Healing Touch
Uilleand

Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton…

Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done.

Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week.
Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust??
*chuckle*
Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh*

Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work.

Now, stay of my lawn, you punks!! *shakes cane in the air*


"... I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room." - Ray Bradbury
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Old 11-01-2007, 02:58 PM   #739
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uilleand
Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust??
*chuckle*
Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh*
Kid, the writers on here run from 12 and thirteen (Perhaps younger) and I think I'm the grand dad of the place at 54. My comment was merely on the breadth of style.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uilleand
Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work. *
Keep wrirting and I will keep commenting.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:04 PM   #740
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Feast of Fright on Dantooine
Tysyacha

After TSL: An ancient feast is revived.

The style is good if a bit bland. The basis of the story works without the usual me screaming no about how it has obvious connections to Earth.

While the symbolism is obvious, the method used; dressing up as what you fear is well done.

Control
Uilleand

After TSL: What if Atton released that control of his?

Again it is excellent work. Having never been an overly demonstrative man, I am struck by what might happen if someone this controlled merely let go. The only problem I had was the ending.

FORCE INTERVENTION
Empress Padme

End of ROTS, Alternate Universe; What if Padme had lived?

There a problems with spacing, forgetting to leave space after periods, that kind of thing. An editing problem

The story was too short for a real evaluation, EP, let me know when it has been expanded, and I will review it again.

A Rose By Any Other Name, Part One
Kian

After Leviathan Revelation; Can Jolee Explain it better?

The style is good, the meter well timed. The story one all of us have gone through in the game, just seeing it from inside Carth’s head.

What I enjoyed is how it was centralized into ‘why can’t they see?’ more than why he might be wrong. Carth’s reservations make sense seen in this light, and even Jolee’s attempt to explain it pales in comparison. Worth being one of the picks for this week.

The Arms of a Child
RevanRand16

Ten Years after KOTOR: Nothing matches the peace you find in a child’s arms…

The piece was subtly done. I had a suspicion who the main character was, and it didn’t surprise me. The interplay between a young woman trying to explain to a child why she is hurt is well done.

Another pick of the week.

Wedding Chaos
ForceHorse44

After TSL: Revan and Carth finally get married, though there are some crashers…

A few comments; the ‘head type-thing’ could have been ‘her ever present bandanna, but in pink’. Anyone who has played the game will recognize the reference. ‘Sadly, the tower of champagne glasses was smashed by two flying Dark Jedi, which Mandalore held responsible for.’ Should have read whom instead of which and without ‘for’. These as has been pointed out above are editing problems.

When you man a cannon, you do not get ‘in’ it. If it is vehicle mounted (Suggested by the comment that it was in the garage) you would be in the gunner’s seat.

The piece was funny; the saving of the cake I agree was choice. I’m just wish I had not missed the party.

Aftermath, Chapter One
BlackFox

After the Star Forge: An interesting beginning for the next adventure.

The only complaint I had was that the tale was a bit confused, as if there was a lot of subtle interplay, which I for one wasn’t smart enough to catch. But it was interesting enough to make me want to read more. Another pick of the week.

What Can We Blow Up First?
JadesFire

Alternate Universe Crossover of KOTOR and the Rogue Squadron books: The start of the adventure with a few additional characters tossed in…

Some editing problems but nothing that can’t be corrected by rereading but even professionals get that from me.

The basis surprised me, but after a while I got into it. The interplay of the people even from different generations was well done. There was the comment about ‘if the colonel isn’t happy, no one is’ and having served in the military, I understood and accepted it. If you write more, could you send me e-mail parts of it?

Another pick of the week.

Worthy
Muhnemma

TSL after saving Citadel Station: One final test for Revan…

Departing from canon, but great work. The interplay within the test was well done, the explanations of why she went through this specific test well done. Another pick of the week.

Endar Spire Part One
Tankgirly

Before beginning of KOTOR: The stage is set…

Some problems with wording and cumbersome sentences, nothing editing can’t cure.

The basic story is good, bringing you into the scene without the abrupt beginning of the game itself. It explores the actions of the two main characters without stomping on the canon entirely.


The Unknown Regions, Chapter 1: The Exile's Recovery
KaiofDragonfire

TSL no Specifics except after Dantooine: Unknown memories plague the Exile

The story was a bit confusing for me, primarily because the provenance of when is not clear. The basics are good, and that is one of the most important parts of story writing.

{A Collapsing Republic}; {Revan's Story};
bRoKen gAze

Before the events in KOTOR: The main character deals with other people and her own sketchy memory.

The work is well done, the development of the main character workmanlike. Well worth the read. The last pick of the week but by no means least.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-02-2007, 05:44 PM   #741
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Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin*
I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription....


"... I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room." - Ray Bradbury
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Old 11-03-2007, 10:37 AM   #742
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uilleand
Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin*
I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription....

As I have already told the author, since I had not seen the death scene before, I did not recognize it. To me is was as if Atton was blind drunk and just opening himself up to the emotions is what drove him down.

I have already apologized to her now I apologize to you all.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-03-2007, 02:51 PM   #743
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Oh, jeeze....
An apology is so not necessary!! really!
If I didn't get the point across, the fault lies with me! That's why I do appreciate feedback so much! I'm a bit useless, if I'm writing in a vacuum for my own pleasure, no? *chuckle*


"... I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room." - Ray Bradbury
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Old 11-08-2007, 07:50 PM   #744
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Posting a little early because tomorrow is payday. Oh and daylight savings time is fun. try it when you forget the 'fall back' so you lose an hour of sleep.

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KotOR III: The Unknown Regions
Darth Balatro

Eight Years after KOTOR:

The first thing I should say is I am sorry DB. I check to see if I have reviewed something by title, and sometimes only by an odd keyword. When I did so I found that a story by this same title (Only Knights of the Old Republic rather than KOTOR) had been posted and reviewed by me back in May.

However I do not know how often this might happen to you, but when I tried to use my ‘find’ setting yesterday it told me no such story had been reviewed several times (A lot of fun when you are sure you have done so) so I went through it posting by posting and discovered this error. That being said:

Some cumbersome sentences. (‘he's the one that Revan told me that he chose for this job.’) Would have been smoother if you had said ‘Revan assigned it to Bao Dur. The basis of the story started out well, but two things bothered me. First if Carth had merely told the character that the clues she needed to find the missing pair was on the planets but they had seceded, it would have made more sense. Also why would a Jedi (Not a Dark one) suggest bombarding a Republic planet as a show of loyalty?

Technical note; Calling a ship II is usually used for civilian ships. Military vessels tend to have merely the name. As an example there were seven ships in the US Navy named Enterprise since 1778 but none were called by an additional number. I know many writers have done this, but I have yet to find any warship in the last 400 years with a name and a number attached except for some Submarine classes in Russia.

Sorry, just the purist in me

Across the Stars, the Two Hunters: Zero Mission

Master Jimmy

Crossover between Star Wars and Metroid set in the period approximately a century after ROTJ: An unlikely pair are sent to save a world.

It’s slid, not slided. The sentence ‘ship that was rocketing down to the surface’. Would have read better is you had used ‘ship plunging (or plummeting) toward the surface’. The sentence ‘the tunnel was rocky, but consisted with a bit of moss’ didn’t make sense until I mentally translated it into ‘sparsely cover with a bit of moss’. Remember, when the sentence doesn’t make sense or uses the wrong words, the reader hits a speed bump that takes him from the story for a few seconds.

The intro was convoluted and there was the error pointed out below. I liked the interplay of the characters, and making one appear to be either suicidal or stupid made them funny together. Her ‘oh I’m so dead’ was choice.

Canon note; Except for the Yuuzhan Vong there has been no mention of intergalactic travel. In fact there are comments in the canon that there is an energy field at the edge of that galaxy (Shades of Star Trek) mentioned in Outbound Flight. If you had said ‘nebula’ or ‘cluster’ it would have fit within that parameter with no problems.

Also you used Earth as the homeworlds of one character.

Lessons in Pazaak
Uilleand

After TSL: The Exile searches for an old friend

The piece is like all of Uilleand’s work I have seen so far, which means well written and thought provoking. Along with everyone else, I wonder about the people that tried to attack her. Hopefully we will find out their secret.

Pick of the week on LucasForums.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Wraith Squadron: Cell Theory
TuskenRaider1

19 Years after Yavin; My favorite Squadron prepares for action.

This is not the first of TR’s works I have reviewed, and it is up to the standards I think we should aspire to. There isn’t much to it yet, but what there is makes me want more.

I said it the last time (Bad Run) I’ll say it again. Keep it up.

One of my Picks of the Week.

kotorfanmedia

Short Stop
Tankgirly

Approximately eight years after KOTOR: A brief reunion.

Some word usage problems. Chartered means being hired rather than proceeding, tried instead of try (Or remove the did) that kind of thing. No biggie, it’s an editing problem. If you have read any of mine, you’ll see I have the same problem sometimes.

As for the mechanics of the story, is this really your first attempt, or merely just the first here? This is excellent work. The story gives enough to make you a bit hungry for more, like (If you are old enough to drink) a bite of strawberry washed down by champagne.

One of my picks of the week.

The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice

Starr

As the Star Forge is being destroyed: Sometimes all you have is hope.

Remember to tone down the game terminology. When you’re reading it tends to cause speed bumps in the reader’s path. Having been writing for over 30 years, I tend to edit them out automatically when I write, but that is only experience.

The basics are good, though the intro was confusing. (Both dark and light side angst comedy and AU?) The story itself is excellent, having a scene right of something like ER with the characters felt right.

As I tell any kid who will listen; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. Keep at it Pretty good work.

A Bond Like No Other
Verna Jast

After the confrontation aboard Leviathan: Revan dreams, but are they of the future or her own fears?

The piece is pretty good, needing primarily polishing.

The piece has a bit of the same feel I had from the old psychological thriller Invaders from Mars where you find out it’s all a dream just as the ‘invasion’ begins again. I always wondered if it was a series of dreams or really going to happen.

One of my Picks of the Week.

Dancing
Tatooine92

After KOTOR: The path to love…

The style is good, the story basic but at the same time poignant. The description of the dance music itself made me wish I could hear it. Not having a copy of Hungarian dances, I will merely have to use my vision of it.
One of my picks for best of the week.

For the Republic: Part 1
Verna Jast

Pre-Mandalorian War; Dantooine Jedi Academy: She said, but he thought.

For a moment I thought the author had just repeated the first section again. About a line into it, I recognized what was happening, and really got into it.

With verbal communications, 85 percent of what is conveyed is by the words. But words are not what you heard but what you thought you heard. This puts that idea across very well, and makes you keep reading just to see how far the misconceptions go.

Shatter
PhoenixGate

The escape from Endar Spire, with a twist: When the going gets boring, how about juggling?

The idea of having three people, all obviously playing one possible aspect of Revan as originally described was interesting. It kept me wondering which one was the real Revan.

Pathos
PhoenixGate

During Taris: More background

Following that I agreed with the one person that had commented so far. The background on two of the trio of characters was well-portrayed right down to one drawling and the others overly precise speech.

Finding Hawk, Chapter One - Good Night Sweetheart
Tatooine92

No specific time after KOTOR to 15 years later: A man reminisces about an important day in his life.

The piece flowed well, and the situation a human one full of both fear and joy for any parent. Well worth the read.

One of my picks for best of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-08-2007, 09:08 PM   #745
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I'll definitely keep that in mind while planning my next fan fiction. But, my K3 fan fic did fulfill the vision that I began with; So, the criticism wasn't too harsh on me.

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Old 11-16-2007, 02:41 PM   #746
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I've been watching an interesting Anime named Noir. Only one disc so far, but I like it. The series gave me an idea. Anyone interested in seeing the dark side of me should look at Heart of the Assassin in the outer rim. This is a work in progress, and feedback is not only desired, but I am almost begging you guys. Anything you see that needs work, let me know.

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At the Trayus Core
Tysyacha

TSL: The final confrontation.

The one thing I really liked was the way you translated the fight into what might have been called a debate beginning the ‘lecture’ with lightsabers and Traya’s defense as the ‘rebuttal’. Traya’s comments make me wonder about not the force but perceptions of it.
.
One thing that caused me to bobble was the use of terms probably right out of the games such as ‘power attack’ or ‘life drains’. Others have made comments on this so I will not comment on it further.


Reason to Kill
Igyman

The climactic battle in KOTOR: Sometimes you need a reason.

A slight problem with double negatives; you’re usually pretty good, Igy, so I will leave it for you to find. The dénouement was the best part of the work because it makes a specific statement everyone can understand and accept.

I usually don’t vote as you know, but you would have gotten mine.

Mistakes
Darth Stephanie

First, why is it all one paragraph? By my estimates, I think it should have been about nine. Of course part of that is you made the same mistake I did when I first posted. Since the system removes all indents, the only way to tell when a paragraph ends is by the period and a larger than average spacing.

Second, you were hurrying with this. There was little or no character development. All we know for sure about her is she was a brat, grew out of it, ran away from the academy because she was homesick, and later led the Jedi off to war. No details. It is almost as if you just posted the synopsis.

kotorfanmedia

Bonds of Fate-Chapter 1: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith
HitokiriShadow


PreKOTOR: What goes through the Dark Lady’s mind?

I started into it and was immediately hooked. The style is spare, but it leads you where the author wants you to go, and does it with such a delicate hand you barely notice.

The basics are good, the premise excellent. The only problem I have with it is simple and deeply personal…

I don’t have time to spend online reading it all.

The first pick of this week from KFM.


Coming Home
Car7hLuvR

Approximately one year after TSL: Revan has a surprise for Carth when she returns from the Outer Rim. And gets one in return.

Some word usage problems haft instead of have, but that might be merely how you heard it; course (path) instead of coarse (Rough). You also forgot conversation breaks.

All that said, the work is excellent. The story, starting from when she left to after her return was full of the angst you would expect, and the love you anticipate. Very well done

A pick of this week from KFM.


Defying Gravity
Ryusui

Pre KOTOR: The die is cast for Revan

The basics are well done, the situation what might have been anticipated the characters well considered.

Well done.


Ice Roses; Winter
SkyePrism

During interim and after TSL: A lone survivor of a vanished people sees the quest of Revan and the Exile from her point of view.

The piece was well done, the basics portrayed with style. Seeing the main characters of both games from the outside gives us a unique perspective. The only problem I had with it was that several years had been compressed into so few pages.


Lessons - Bastila
Lnicol1990


After the reconciliation on Tatooine: Did Bastila learn something from this?

Missing words in some places (‘a look offence’ should have of in it.). The primary problem with it is that you didn’t put a lot of yourself into it. It comes across as bland, like restaurant food. A problem solved by polishing.


Motivations: Revan
Delasaer Chval

After the Leviathan Revelations: Revan and Carth tear into each other.

The author commented; ‘a/n: Spur of the moment little argument. No one has proofed it but me, and frankly, it's not worth it. It just helped kill a bit of Writer's Block.’

Kid, anything that breaks through a writer’s block is worth looking at, trust me on that. Two of my best works in my opinion were things that started as sheer frustration with that dreaded problem.

You had some problems with cumbersome sentences. As an example; ‘and couldn't believe what she was hearing. After she had just heard that…’ is hard to read. Perhaps ‘Carth was adding insult to injury as his mouth ran. After she had heard that…’?

That doesn’t make it bad, you came up with a choice line (Missing only one letter ‘s’ with ‘she growled, stopping short between insult, struggling to form coherent and useful insults’ caused me to grin. Having been so furious that I can’t even think what to say next is something I have experienced, and while it is not fun for you, it can be hilarious for an observer.

The only thing I did not like was that it ended sort of unfinished. But, having had arguments in my life, I know they aren’t always resolved, but that is just a personal complaint.


When they were young: Of Droids and Gungangs
SkyePrism

After TSL: The members who were left behind begin having dreams of Revan and the Exile as younglings.

Some word usage problems. Wreaking (in the act of) instead of wrecking (the end result). Missing conversation breaks.

That said, I loved the idea you used. Picturing Revan as a young Padawan with what would almost be called blonde roots was good, reminiscent of my favorite Anime the Dirty Pair. I could see them sinking an entire city without even breaking a sweat. The disclaimer ‘Why the hell would they even make a city in a bubble that could pop!?!?’ made my day

One of my picks of the week.


It came from Nar Shaddaa
Ghando

An unspecified number of years after TSL: A young Jedi goes on his final trial with… well… some advice

Verna has made the main comments I might have made in correction so I won’t repeat them. The piece needs some polish, but when does it not?

Every Jedi trial you ever hear about is dangerous and or difficult. Well guess again. This was a chuckle from Dustil’s apprehension to lying to his father in an amusing manner to Revan giving him advice which might help later, but we’ll have to see. If they had merely wanted to terrorize him it couldn’t have been done better.

Sleheyron: Yuthura
343panic

Korriban KOTOR: The fight in the tomb, with an added twist…

Some word usage problems, toughed (Strengthened) instead of touched, could instead of cloud. This is an edit and polish problem, so don’t feel to bad. I get dyslexic sometimes too.

The piece was pretty good. The problems I had were the uses of terms from the game, and lack of knowledge in equipment. An average modern stun grenade, what is called a ‘flash bang’ is about the size of a hockey puck and would be quite heavy enough to knock someone on their butt if it hit them before detonating. Plus as much as the game designers just toss them in, real grenades are rarely used in an enxlosed space you yourself occupy.

Having them move around over what sounded like half the building was refreshing and adding the terentatek as a bit of mobile terrain was a good bit.

This is the first I had heard that Sleheyron was not only a suggested locale but also that there might be cut scenes from it. After reading this I wish that A: they had not cut this out, B; that they had left it in with the option to add Yuthura to the band, or C: someone would add their own mod for it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-23-2007, 12:57 PM   #747
machievelli
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An intersting week. Forgot thanksgiving, then found out my computer was starting to check the hard drive, which suggests problems with the system. Then I found out that the reason for it is a bad battery.


kotorfanmedia

Epilog: Tabula Rasa
343Panic

Alternate Universe aftermath of KOTOR: A man with no memory struggles to understand his situation.

Nothing comes to mind that needs real correcting or editing, though I never really stop editing when I write.

The piece is dark, the scene stark, and I loved it. We the observers know who the man is, but the struggle he has trying to discover what has happened draws you along with him. First pick of the week.

Alone
Starr

After KOTOR: Alone on Malachor V, Revan struggles with her ghosts and her past.

The piece needs some polishing, but other than that, it’s excellent.

The premise is good, the inner struggle manifesting in external visions. The end was a bit fluffy for me, but that did not stop it from being well worth your time.

Another pick of the week.


Family is More than Blood
AkroOrka

On Taris: Carth discovers more about his new associate.

Some word usage problems. Top instead of too, bequest (Given from a will) instead of behest (request) that kind of thing. Also the term is overrun instead of run over when a place has been invaded.

The basic piece is well done journeyman style work.

Technical: The id plate reading fluctuated between being military precise, and haphazard. A minor thing, but I disturbed me a bit. But that is because I have read such reports.

Long Road to Taris
Tatooine92

Starting Two Years Before KOTOR: A young woman becomes our Hero aboard Endar Spire

I have to agree it isn’t as well polished and laid out as your usual work, though your style still shows through. The running battle through the Endar Spire was truncated, making it almost seem as if it wasn’t the backdrop for the entire end.

My primary complaints are technical; why would you have an embassy, which is by definition an enclave of another nation’s soil, in the capital of the Republic? Second, even if you were frantically hiring mercenaries to fight for you, military discipline would be maintained. In composite units discipline would actually be stricter than the average recruited military unit. Check out the example of the French Foreign Legion for a better idea,

Canon note: The game book for KOTOR defined the Endar Spire’s class of ship as Frigate, not cruiser.

Revan's Challenge
Uilleand

After Star Forge: Revan has to make a choice

Others have reviewed this and everything negative I can think of to say has been addressed. I disagreed that the first real explosion of her emotion was unnecessary. Sometimes you have to try to break yourself out of that circle when you’re mad, and a primal scream will do that. A bit over the top true.

The piece does need some work in the areas commented on. But the end made up for it.


Revan: Back in Five
TangentalJedi

After KOTOR: As Revan leaves, she all ready regrets it

The style was good the byplay of emotions well done. The point of her leaving, and why she couldn’t even tell her love why cuts to the quick of the situation.

Another Pick of the week.

The Cantina Syndrome
SkyePrism

After TSL: As they scour the Unknown Regions, Arista (the Exile) discovers what Revan calls the Cantina Syndrome.

The style is good, the flashbacks well linked to the present and full. Revan’s description fits what I know from my own life, that memories are always there, it’s just that they seem to come out more in a bar setting.

Another pick of the week

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow
Nausicca

Alternate Universe, KOTOR: You don’t need a Jedi to solve every problem…

Verna already said a good bit about this and agree with her assessment. The biggest problem I had with both KOTOR games was that a lot of the side quests were mere fluff, such as this incident and the murder at the bridge. You don’t need keen Jedi sense to work either one, merely a minor degree of deduction for one, and common sense (Mixed with humor) for the other. The additional line tossing Zalbaar’s name in would only have been made more silly if he had moaned Mission’s next.

Not only a good first attempt, but also one of my picks for this week.

damnatio memoriae 1: dreams
Verna Jast

During KOTOR: A girl can dream…

A bit hard to follow at first, but once you understand what is happening, it’s subtle, twisting in your mind as you see the two version of what is not only happening and what might have been. The end of the dreams, when she is forced to go back to reality twists the knife even more.

Well worth the read, and a pick of this week.

Why her name is Star...
SkyePrism

During Interim in the Unknown Regions: Revan finds maternity an uncomfortable fit at first.

The story is a basic human tale, with the humor of not only a gentle helper, but also the woman who seems at points disgusted and terrified by the process. Having been around women who were at this stage of their pregnancies I could picture each scene like a gentle painting. One of my Picks of the Week.

Broken
SkyePrism

During KOTOR: Will Carth admit he was wrong in time?

Skye has done it again. The work is well laid out, the feelings fitting the mood and the mood setting the pace. Worth every second of time spent reading.

One of the Picks of the week.


Drunken Admissions
FrackinAmazinGirl

After the Leviathan Revelation: It can be so hard to say.

The piece was cute, though as Verna pointed out, the first paragraph was redundant. The hesitancy, disappointment, even yearning came through lightly veiled, the reaction by the end already apparent. As a first posted work it is an excellent introduction.

One of the picks of this week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:21 PM   #748
machievelli
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two weeks since I posted Heart of the assassin, and only one comment.

sigh

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Luck of the Draw
uilleand

KFM Dueling Challenge, set on Taris during KOTOR: Trapped on Taris, two unlikely people get together

The work is up to Uilleand’s usual standards, meaning excellent. Would anyone be surprised when I say first pick of the Week?

Adidas Returns
Daft Adidas

No period given; A nemesis returns to plague the galaxy

The work needs polish, and the characters need to be better defined. What I got from the meeting in the Regal headquarters sounded more like a group of kids in high school first picking on the small kid, then sucking up to him because he actually has a brain when they need it.

Now technical;

You give a vague description of the ships. So vague in fact that we have nothing to use to visualize it. Saying it is ‘the biggest you have ever seen’ needs something to compare it to. The shock in ANH when Millennium Falcon approached the Death Star wasn’t just that it was a huge ship. It was because first they thought it was a moon, and obviously from every reaction on seeing it, that no one had ever contemplated anything mobile that big. You also gave the ship too much engine power to be readily believed.

As for the rest remember the first rule of Science Fiction and Fantasy; You are allowed one impossible thing.

Just one.

kotorfanmedia


Knowing
Venga Fett

PreKOTOR: What if Revan remembered before the Leviathan?

Like one of the other people who had commented said, the first paragraph sucked me in. An excellent piece of work.

A pick of the week.

Time's Embrace
Ethereal

After Leviathan revelation: Carth and Revan deal with how this affects them

The intro into the confrontation was a bit short for me, but beyond that, I have to agree with others;

If this is you first piece, don’t tell us it’s your last! Write more.

A Day in the Life of the Prodigal Knight
RevanRand16

Ten years after Star Forge: we see what Revan’s life could have been like.

Some word usage problems. Saying ‘solve’ the punishment for example. I agree that it needs tightening up editing and polishing. That said though it was an interesting little piece and as Verna Jast said, I can picture you writing the entire work like the paragraph she praised.

Facing the Universe... Together
FrackinAmazinGirl

Before Revan goes to the Unknown Regions: Carth just won’t let go…

Whereas is one word. The biggest problem I had with it was as smoopy said, the all caps, which while it let you know they were yelling, also jars the reader. I use it sparingly. Maybe one word in the sentence, as if the person almost bellows it. Another way would be to break the sentence into single word sentences like ‘Don’t. Tell. ME. What to do!’

A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord
Walruseater

After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan gets blindsided not once, but twice.

Seeing Walruseater listed you just know the story is going to be good, and this one really rocks. The two surprises Revan gets makes it excellent. I am not saying another word. Read enjoy.

Another pick of the week.

Shadows In The Sand
Ethereal

Approximately two months after the events in KOTOR: A look into the Mandalorian soul, and how it changed.

The style is workmanlike, the characters well defined, the angst readily explained and the finish smooth. Only the second piece by this author so far, but I expect plenty more.

Another pick of the week.

Awkward
Tatooine92

Some word usage problems. Comeback doesn’t feel right where used, I think ‘downside’ would have been better. That being said, excellent work.

From reading the reviews by others, and your response, would you rather I wait until version 2 before reviewing this? Please send me an e-mail or pm.

Reunion
Tatooine92

After events in TSL: The fateful reunion.

The piece is a bit of fluff, but that being said, it was a very nice bit of fluff.

Another pick of the week.

Thicker than water: chapter 1
Oktobrerayne


A what if challenge: If Revan was never defeated by Bastila or betrayed by Malak before the start of the game, what would have happened?

Only one editorial note; ‘Her skin sweat’ I think required the word ‘poured’. The style is good, the subject intriguing, and the portrayal well done. You version of Revan here is chilling and seductive at the same time. What else can I say?

Another pick of the week.

Meridian's Voice - Part One
Tullis

Six Years after Revan’s Disappearance; A new enemy strikes swiftly

This piece surprised me just a touch. Not a bad thing. Going from the mundane to horror is always a good way to start, and this makes me hunger for more. Well done. Another one of those I wish I had time to read all the way through…

Another pick of the week.

Futile
Cellotlix

23 years after TSL: Three old men still wait.

Naivety is spelled naiveté. Conversation breaks missing in some places. Some word misusage (mind instead of might).

That said the sad view is well done. Few people think of Penelope spending 20 years waiting for Odysseus to return.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-02-2007, 01:04 PM   #749
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Thanks for the review mach.

I will try and work on the things you have mentioned to my best ability. My latest chapters does not describe the new character, as Im trying to leave it some mystery. The next chapter will reveal all.

Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. :P

Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff.

Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything.

Adidas

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Old 12-03-2007, 10:21 AM   #750
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daft Adidas

Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. :P

Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff.

Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything.

Adidas
As an example DA, assuming somekind of space travel is possible, you have the original pilot of Star Trek, where the 'odd element' is the Talosians. Or Star War with 'jedi powers'. But as you go on you build on it. lots of weird and impossible things are acceptable; if the items I had mentioned were done spread out through the book, it would not have struck me as I mentioned.

As for the speed of the ship that is mere physics. the larger the item, the harder it is to accelerate.

As for the dialogue, I tend to use the trick my mother taught me of vocalizing it from both sides. It is weird, but it makes the dialogue flow better.

And it is a lot of fun on a crowded bus. You get more room to spread out very easily...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-07-2007, 05:53 PM   #751
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Unknown World
Salzella

The Rakata Home world during KOTOR: The last thoughts before entering the temple are dark…

You left out the word ‘were’ in ‘like they green, leafy doppelgangers of real vegetation’. ‘Memories if his life’ should be ‘of’, and fatalist should be fatalistic. There are others, but I leave it to you to find them correct them, and I will edit them.

The work is nice and dark, with a lot of recriminations for everyone involved in the main character’s thoughts including himself.

Grey
Uilleand

After KOTOR: Atton sinks deeper into depression.

This piece is exceptionally dark. Having looked at the character of Atton in the game, I found that I could understand him much more readily than anyone else, and that understanding allowed some forgiveness of his attitudes.

Bird in a Cage (title indefinite)
KotO[Revan]

Indeterminate in both time and genre: In a storm, one girl has a frightening experience.

The primary problem is characterization. We know we have one of each sex, but age, description beyond the boy’s attitude is almost nonexistent. This is a complaint only because the piece is so short; it is what comes through most.

The basic ‘mysterious voice from the dark’ is always a good ploy if you can use it.

If you want votes, I’d say write more of this.

The Tale of the Untold Heroes of Dxun
Arcesious

Battle of Dxun, PreKOTOR: A team lands on their mission.

The word is Guerilla, not gorilla. The style is a bit dry, but that can be fixed by editing and polishing. Mandalorian is a proper name (Nation) like German. So it is always capitalized.

Technical notes: First, Dxun was the first battle led or commanded by the Jedi. The war had been raging for almost five years by that time. The government having to buy weapons from pirates makes no sense. It took the Germans during WWII less than six months to design, and then mass produce a variation of the British Sten submachine gun. You spend more time tooling up than you do in actual production but once the tooling up is done the weapons pour out in a flood. If you had said the Special Operations had bought the weapons, it would have made sense. Every Special Operations team tends to pick up weapons that are not strictly issue.

Second the military almost always has their own design constraints, and slapping other equipment onto a stock shuttle is only an interim solution, something you do only until the supplies begin getting to the front. Within two years of the landings at Guadalcanal, where they had only a few ramp style landing craft, they went to six different designs of landing craft and even amphibious vehicles used for every landing from Tarawa on.

3rd: while thermal plating stabilizers (I envisioned super cooling coils that would stop the metal from burning away) makes sense, armor plating is a part of the structure even if it is added on, not something you have to activate.

4th: An assault landing is one of the most dangerous operations still practiced. The enemy knows you must put your troops on the ground, they know how you have to maneuver and operate to land safely; they also know where to place weapons to stop you. Landing five of that dozen ships I think would have been better than expected, hiding them almost impossible.

5th: Special operations troops are all highly trained. But if you send 12 shuttles, and assume two squads in each (120 men) you would not expect them to overwhelm a force in a defended position.

Last, every action they fought assumed the Mandalorians were too stupid to put out guards whether eating or sleeping.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Grasping at Straws: The Story of an Imperial Loyalist
Raganork8

During period directly after ROTS: A politician keeps trying to maintain.

The work needed editing, but as anyone will tell you, I tell almost everyone I critique the same thing. There is some cumbersome word usage, but that is again something editing would correct. It is phased (Changed) not fazed (confused) and preserve not reserve when speaking of peace.

It is an interesting piece, covering an interesting period of history in the Star Wars universe. Though all of the senators being in uniformed and armed was a bit too much to accept.

Technical note: While I accept that the Y wing fighter would have been in service at the time mentioned it would have been a relatively new aircraft. The author of Raiders of the Lost Ark irritated me for the same reason, labeling the DC3 which only entered service in 1932 as ‘venerable’ in 1936.

Also getting one from off planet or flying it in on an attack run does not make sense. First, it would be like flying an F15 Eagle from England to Washington with no attempt at stealth. The defenses of Coruscant have been discussed in depth in the EU, and such an attack would be suicide long before you actually laid fire on the capital.

Now if you had suggested that it had come from a nearby base instead, it would have been completely acceptable.

Lightsaber
JedimasterElizabeth

On Earth: A boy tries to make a real light saber, but there are more problems then that in his future.

The style is stilted, and word usage is a bit off. Both things I tend to do when the ideas are flowing. Don’t worry; it’s an editing problem. The dialogue is a bit stilted as well, and while it may sound crazy, the way I deal with that is to talk the dialogue out. You can hear where it doesn’t flow, as you might not when seeing it.

It came to my attention after I had written this review that JedimasterElizabeth
Is Malaysian. I understand the problems with dealing with another entire language so I promise I will remember this in the future.

Technical note; the grip of a sword is called a pommel, not a stick.

Canon Note: George Lucas starts every movie with ‘a long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away’. Using modern Earth in this sort of defeats the purpose. I have been trying to get into Lucasforums where I posted an article concerning this, and explained a way around it. When the site comes back up later today (I hope) please go to that site, and see what I mean.

But the idea that a young man here would not only try to make a lightsaber, but also make the same mistake is an interesting view. Keep it up.

kotorfanmedia

There's Beauty in the Breakdown Chapter 1: "Bring Me All Your Huddled Masses"
Haleyfalkonasi

The arrival on Taris; No mission ever goes smoothly…

Everything I saw negative were editing problems, meaning just reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. But I say that to everybody.

The style is a bit bland, but you’re keeping the people interested, which is the important thing.

It's That Damn Onasi Charm...
FrackinAmazinGirl

In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: To end an argument sometimes you just have to lock them in the closet…


There are obvious flaws, like the hair, and hairpins. But at the same time as others said, all you really did was take the bit in your teeth and run with it. All of the fumbling around in the closet had me snickering, and the end is purely choice.

The first pick of the week.

Love and the Pathfinder
Benna Kioba

The return from the Outer Regions: Told in flashbacks that cover all of KOTOR

The piece as one commentator said, had an organic feel to it. I agree that the quotation marks should have been there, something to differentiate when someone was talking. But the story itself, memory, coma, all mixed made it a very good piece.

A pick of the week.


At this point I have finished the LS Female Revan category except when a new story shows up there. I now turn as promised to the Dark side male…

Once Upon a Time
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Interim to KOTOR: Orders are meant to be obeyed…

The piece has minor editing problems.

But I loved it. Revan as the bad guy but with reason behind his darkness. Very well done.

A pick of the week.

Insanity of Revan -Chapter 1-On the Way To Coruscant
Hitokiri Akins

After the Star Forge: Revan slips back into the darkness

Some editing problems, but when I have I ever failed to say that. Ask me some time about a book I wrote called Mirror of My love where I edited four times while beta readers were still dealing with version one.

The basis is good, the idea not too shabby. The only real negative I saw was as BigVeric commented that you told Canderous twice.

Aftermath: The Beginning
Tarin

The Battle of the Star Forge: The Dark lord has returned, and he is making his presence felt…

The style is good, the dialogue well done, the scene eminently practical. The only jarring note, is I thought that the Rule of Two had begun with Lord Bane three millennia later.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:07 PM   #752
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Vtoraya Popytka (Second Chance)
Tysyacha

After TSL: Everyone deserves a second chance, but are you willing to pay the price for it?

The story needs editing, but hey, has anyone who comes before my pen escaped that? It flows well, with only a few eddies such as overclocked, which just caused me to hit a speed bump. Not complaining, after consideration it made sense.

The idea was intriguing. Like Tys I was frustrated that I couldn’t redeem the character. Maybe my version where she jumps to her own death was because I was unwilling to go where Tys will.

Ho, Ho, Hanharr!
Tysyacha

No specific timing: Hanharr as Santa?

I usually lambaste people when they do holiday stuff. But I can’t, it’s just too silly. Having seen what mall Santa’s go through however, I just pictured this happening, and began to chuckle. Having the punk clean up the mess was a perfect scene and being called the best Santa choice.

The first Pick of the week.



Light side Female Revan:

Stolen - part 1


Approx four years after KOTOR: Revan and her family return to the temple.


The work needs some editing, some word usage mainly (Faced instead of face). All in all a good work though short.

Kirabaros made excellent comments mirroring what I would have said, so I will not repeat it. Please, continue.


Dark side Male Revan:

Love's Final Redemption Part 1
RogueLadySabyne

Third alternate ending of KOTOR: The collapse of a dream.

Like her previous work this is a thought-provoking piece. The biggest problem I had in my own work in this genre was how to reconcile love when you were on opposite sides. I played the game both dark and light side and this had been the same turning point for my dark side character.

A pick of the week.

Shadow's Kiss Chapter 1: Fallen Passion
DJ

End of KOTOR: The real reason Darth Revan fell the second time.

There are stories you just have to read, and this as far as I am concerned is one of them. Another author who makes me wish I had the time to read everything….

Another pick of the week.


As an aside; When I first started doing these back in October of 2005, I just posted them on SWK and Lucasforums. After a while I suddenly realized that I had failed to let the writer’s themselves know that I had. There is some excellent work I commented on that never got the chance to get a pick of the week, or pick of the best.

So every time I find a writer that I have slighted in this manner, I will repost that original review with the hyperlinks I use now, to make up for it. First is;

Of Droids and meatbags- The Tale of HK47.
Yano Upav

Pre KOTOR: The story of Revan’s ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid.


Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The ‘death and destruction’ view of HK works well in the fleet action, which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more.

Was expanded into three listed so far. By all means go back and look at this gem.

Reprise Pick of the week.


The Code
Rift

After KOTOR: A young Sith learns how to use the code for her own benefit; and how Revan is using it.

I sat for five minutes after reading this. I honestly didn’t know what to say or think. It was like waking up in the morning, those first moments where you aren’t really sure of where you are or why.

Rift caught me, dragged me in, and made me not only care about the characters created, but made the changes in the other main KOTOR characters fit the mold and did it well. I can’t say enough good things about this.

A pick of the week.

Captivated
Tinuviel Undomiel

PreKOTOR AU: With the attempt to capture Revan a failure, Bastila is now a prisoner.

I had just finished Rift’s work above and pretty much expected that nothing else could be as good.

Boy was I wrong.

The Alternate Universe version stunned me with the writer’s depth. As much as Bastila claims she will never give in, I wonder…

A pick of the week.

An Inevitable Causality
Faltallon

20 years after KOTOR: A final inevitable confrontation.

The story is well done, events sketched in to subtly set the scene. The denouement was excellent, and like the other reviewers, I’d like to see more of this author’s work.

A pick of the week.

Oversight
Ulicus

PreKOTOR: Revan sets a trap for the Jedi…

The set up is good, the story well done. The background into the plans follows a well designed path.

A pick of the week.

Some Kind of Chaos: Part 1
Darth Searus

No specific era given: A worrisome student enters the order.

The story is well written. The primary problem I have is with cross breeding three different alien species, but that’s just a personal foible.

The Dark Lord
Dark Lord Shady

KOTOR after Star Forge: Revan is willing to bring Bastila in on his secret.

A well done if Generic ending with a surprise twist. Please, continue.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-21-2007, 11:19 AM   #753
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Path to Exile, Chapter1
Mithran Star

PreKOTOR: What caused the Exile to go to war?

The only negative I have about this piece is it is very short. The background could have been laid out in more detail, but it’s good so far.

Destiny's Shadow: Prologue
Fongiel

PreKOTOR: Aboard Revan’s flagship, two old friends must decide what they will do…

Last week I had one of those ‘god where has this kid been hiding’ epiphanies when I read Rift’s ‘The Code’. Nice to start off this week by being hit right between the eyes with one of them this week.

The style is well done, well portrayed, and the background fleshed out. Another of those I don’t have time to read all the way through blast it!

The first pick of this new week.

Remnants, Prologue
Torch

The Unnamed Planet: Zaalbar reflects on his downfall.

In the dark side ending, there is one point where you are definitely going to kill Mission. But you get more ‘bad guy’ points if you make Zaalbar do it. It was one of the scenes that bothered me most in the game, primarily because I would hope a person would not stoop low enough to use honor to order someone to violate their nature.

I trhink that is why this story hit me so hard. I can feel Zaalbar’s pain, and know that nothing he does will ever let him atone in his own mind.

A pick of the week.

Who We Were
Revans Pet Duck

After Malachor V: The Exile feels his loss.

Some word usage problems, ‘in’ instead of ‘into’, ‘you’ instead of ‘you’re’. An editing problem more than anything else.

The story is interesting, and the situation a stock battle. Worth a glance.

The Fall of Malak.
Slave 1

PreKOTOR: The voice of reason, from the last person you would expect…

This was a stunning tour de force. The character we hate so much suddenly becoming not only the voice of reason but the defender of the Republic. Excellent work!

A pick of the week.

Ancient Shadows
SithLord117

Post TSL: The exile meets Revan in the Unknown Region.

The piece is short, the end well considered and formulated. Well worth a look.

Darkness Overwhelming, Part I
Gaius Andronicus

Specific period within KOTOR not given: Revan finds his feet on the path to darkness.

A good first part, albeit short, enough to make you want to read more.

The only problem I had was is it Revan at the Star Forge, or out in the Unknown Regions, or within his own mind…

Chapter 1 – Eye Witness
HeFe

End of KOTOR: As the Dark Lord gives his first speech, another ‘old friend’ plots revenge.

The piece is too short to get a good grip on the style, but the piece is only chapter one. So if you get the chance…

Too Close a Shave
DarthPhilWelch

Pre KOTOR: An explanation of an injury…

This was short and cute in it’s own way. They have a story challenge over at Lucasforums right now that is based on this.

I would have voted for this one if it had been posted.

Confrontation, Both New and Old
JediMaster09


PreKOTOR: Why did Revan fall?

Some word usage problems, and cumbersome sentences but that is primarily a polishing problem.

The story itself was great. The basic premise very intriguing and thought provoking. Well worth the read.

Dark Galaxies (Chapter One)
ArchonDemetrus

PostKOTOR: In a galaxy controlled by the Sith, something hunts the darkness.

The story is nice and dark with the shiver of violence hidden in it. The killer stands partially revealed at the end, and I for one wish I had time to read the entire thing.

Pick of the Week.


After the Blackbird Sings: Chapter One: A Proposition
TempestSummers

Beginning of KOTOR: Sometimes Carth can be such a hick…

While defined as AU, I felt the additional character fit and actually made the scene flow better. Another one of those I wish I could read all the way through.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:40 PM   #754
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You Know My Name
Tysyacha

The battle on the temple in KOTOR: Revan struggles not to fall.

A number of points were marred by direct game references, but not as many as usual. Remember that a ‘flurry of attacks’ works as well as a ‘flurry of melee rounds’, kid.

Both struggles happen simultaneously as expected. Having the breach come here with Revan triumphant is a good departure from the original story line.

kotorfanmedia

Light side Female Revan:

Bedridden
Griet Mutnojmet

After KOTOR: Revan falls sick, and Carth is there there to nurse her back to health.

The writing style is good, the story good.


Dark side Male Revan:

What Lies in the Darkness Chapter 1
TBB

Confrontation on the Rakatan Temple: Such a small thing can make you fall…

The piece is short but powerful in it’s own way. There is only a brief piece, but from the look of it, this will turn out pretty good.

So You Want To Be A Swoop Racer
Reslez

Before the Swoop Race in KOTOR: Revan feels the need for speed.

The piece is fun in a guy-nudge-guy way. You have two men looking at the lines of a swoop bike, and one of them is almost desperate to ride it, even though he won’t admit it aloud.

The first pick of this last week of 2007.

Tell Me a Story
JediDWH

Alternate Universe four years after KOTOR: Carth tells a story his wife would rather he didn’t.

It took me a moment to understand why it was defined as AU, but once I had, the story captivated me with its simplicity and charm. It is well written, and a perfect piece of history outside the normal story line. Having Carth be father of triplets was just icing on the cake.

The only negative was the Pirates of Penzance. Though if it were perfect, it wouldn’t have been as fun.

A Pick of the week.

The Star Map:Part One
Bastila Skywalker

PreKOTOR, before the Jedi went to war: Revan finds the Star Map, and begins his slide into darkness.

Artefact is spelled with an ‘I’ (artifact).

The basic story is good, and the only problems I see with it are with the established time line. The Mandalorians had been attacking the Republic for over four years before Revan marched, so you jumped the gun a bit there. No biggie.

Canon note: Master Vodo Siosk-Baas was a master at the time of Exar Kun 40 years earlier, and was killed by Kun.

One More Time, With Feeling: Chapter 1
Tonar Rimsen

KOTOR on Taris: Retelling of the original Taris scenes as play-script

I really didn’t believe this one when I saw it. The problem fixing the sink (game style) was cute and the comment about the bodies just disappearing very much so.

The Galaxies War: Prologue
Darth Raelic

After KOTOR: Revan seeks to rebind the Sith, and in the far future, Darth Sidious seeks the answer to a question.

Some misspelling, and editing problems, nothing that can’t easily be corrected.

The basic story is good, giving us enough background to enjoy what we’re seeing portrayed. As another said, keep it coming.

Dark Heart-Chapter 1
Lord Revan 107

After the Star Forge: Revan begins to mold his new apprentice

Punctuation and spelling errors. Nothing major, all the type that editing would cure.

The story is basic but well written. I won’t have time to read more, but I’m glad part two is already out there. Keep it up.

So Long, and Thanks for the Mind Wipe! Intro and Chapter 1
Astromike1

The opening scene with some twists: On the Endar Spire the character with the poisonous name gets to have some fun

I started chuckling with this one before I even finished the disclaimer comments. I usually complain when someone uses comments linked to Earth, but the author worked them in so well they almost slipped past without notice unless we were actually directed to them. Comments tied to later, Carth giving directions linked to Leviathan, Trask trying to carry the conversation while the main character derides the game author, speaking directly to the author at one point…

Great! I just wish I had a chance to read the rest! A Pick of the week.

The Dark War, Chapter 1
Darth Yoda

PreKOTOR: Revan and Carth meet in battle

The piece is too short to really judge. The basics are good, and worth building on.

The biggest problem I have is the use of stealth fighters that would be several centuries too soon.

Nothing's had, Something's Lost
Katara Ironarm

PreKOTOR: Bastila speaks to the council about Revan, and remembers the past.

The piece was short but well written. Katara has graced my column before, and this was as intriguing as the last piece.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-04-2008, 12:22 PM   #755
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TIME SPAN
Wolv

No specific time given: A squad of Republic commandos faces a different enemy with a different plan.

First, you need to remember conversation breaks. That way your reader doesn’t get confused about who is talking. Your sentences are cumbersome, you don’t need to say ‘squad member’ every time you introduce them, though mentioning leader, strong man etc, is a good touch. Also, right in the middle of a battle is neither the time nor place for recrimination and questions that need long answers. It plays well sometimes, but you already have them outnumbered, surrounded, and outgunned. Men who spend that time arguing or demanding answers not linked to ‘how do wee get out of here’ don’t live to get out.

Technical note. Your explanation of the time travel concept is interesting, but you should have prefaced it with ‘theoretically’. If it were a known and accepted concept, none of the others would have been surprised.

Lost Causes
Uilleand

TSL before Korriban: The torment of Vash.

What can I say about it Uilleand? How about first Pick of 2008?

Actually I have to say more. Most when they have someone getting tortured either rush past, or dwell a little too lovingly on it. You split the difference very well. Especially the waste of the entire endeavor.

Unconquerable
Sabretooth

Pre KOTOR: A master of illusion gives Malak his wish, sort of…

Most of the negatives I could point at were already mentioned, ST, so I won’t belabor them.

Your story reminds me of the old saw ‘never date anyone crazier than you are’.

One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants.

Gray Code: Way Of The Sith
True Avery

PreKOTOR Alternate Universe: Revan decides the only way to teach this lesson is with pain. But whos pain is it to be?

I was as surprised as everyone else about the length. What interested me kid was this fight would have taken an hour on screen, yet you maintained intensity and cohesion throughout.

Technical note: If the Leviathan were that large and proportionate throughout, it would be over half the length of an Imperial Super Star Destroyer, and almost two thirds as wide. The book put out as a companion for the KOTOR game says the ship is 1.5 kilometers long (A tad over a mile) and has a crew of 2800. Compare that to the 144,000 crew needed for an SSD, and your ship would need about 80,000 even with the exact same amount of automation.

The Jedi Archives

Crystal Island
Daft Adidas

Not Star Wars: After being shipwrecked, two boys join in a quest.

The basics are pretty good here, DA. You are using the wrong word sometimes (Are instead of our, that kind of thing) but that is as always an editing problem.

Everyone repeat after me…

Reread Edit Rewrite, repeat until polished.

The Smile
Jae Onasi

After Attack on Telos: Revan can’t stand that smug smile one more second.

One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants.

I know Jae was not eligible for the award this month. But if I had a choice I would have voted for this one. The piece swept from the fury at the attack, to the last words Revan said to him, and even though you knew what was going to happen, it still surprised you a bit.

Pick of the first week of 2008.

kotorfanmedia

A Knightmare Before The Old Christmas Republic: KOTOR Meets Tim Burton
FrackinAmazinGirl

15 years after the Star Forge:A crossover of Nightmare before Christmas and KOTOR

The story was good kid, the problem I have is canonical. As in ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’. Not bad regardless.

Knights of the Old Republic Part I: The Path of the Jedi: Prologue
SithLordDarthRevan

PreKOTOR: The forge that created the mettle of Revan

The piece is interesting because a lot of us don’t really consider where the person we’re speaking of came from. Those who do either make them relatively light (My own) or almost totally dark. Your portrayal skates the edge of the darkness, but for a logical reason.

Well done.

True Power
Lord Revan 107

The Climactic battle of the Star Forge, dark side ending: Sometimes you can’t let it show.

The piece is well written needing only the edit and polish every story needs. The basic idea is sound, and the flinch when he is hugged and unsure if he is being attacked was choice.

As princeps said, however, when it comes to dealing with those we care about, we’re all hypocrites. No matter how ‘good’ or ‘evil’ we are, you should remember that even the worst monsters in human history had a soft spot for someone or something.

A Matter of Inches
Revanreaborn225

The capture of Revan: So many ways that something so important can be changed.

The piece is well written, the differing scenes just different enough that you get a sense of unreality. Very intriguing work.

Force's Renewal
Kubutar

After the battle of the Star Forge: Revan surveys his new domain, and his new apprentice

The piece is well done, the focus working well from start to finish. So good in fact

Pick of the Week

Loyalty
Noneko

On the Unnamed Planet: With Mission dead, where does Zaalbar’s loyalties lie?

The piece struck at my heart because I can understand the life-debt’s bounds. Zaalbar must do what he does, but at the same time, he had ro rationalize around that stricture.

Some said it didn’t make sense, but honorable situations, such as standing at Thermoplae even after cut off only makes sense when you use honor instead of common sense as a meter.

Pick of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-04-2008, 04:05 PM   #756
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Thank you so much!

I tried extra hard on this one, and I promise I'm gonna polish up and edit alot more. Be sure to read the sequel, in my opinion its not as good, but I'll keep trying.

Thanks alot mach.

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Old 01-04-2008, 11:06 PM   #757
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Thanks, mach. When the idea popped into my head, my first thought was "Oooh, that is just _evil_," and knew I had to run with it. I also thought it might give a bit more depth to why Malak wanted to kill Revan besides the obvious 'it's the Sith way to climb to power by killing the guy above you'.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 01-06-2008, 01:58 AM   #758
Sabretooth
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Thanks for the review, Machman!


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Old 01-06-2008, 10:20 AM   #759
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
Thanks for the review, Machman!
you're welcome, son.

Did you eat you vegetables like I told you?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 01-07-2008, 11:09 PM   #760
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Depends on what they call the tomato now.


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