The Critic's 2 cents

[Hallucination]

Originally Posted by stingerhs

you guys are complaining!?! may God have mercy on your ungrateful souls....
thread stickied.

Thank you, +10 cool points .
@Mach:

[machievelli]

VV there's always one in every crowd. I'm just glad it's only the one.

[RC-1162]

yep, so are we.

[machievelli]

The Corrupted Republic
Steven
Ten Years after Kotor II, Possibly intro to Kotor III

A man with no memory has visions aboard the Yavin Spire.

The writer tends to use the wrong words, or to misspell them Like another person who had seen the work, I assume English is a second language. The idea is good, but the flow of the narrative causes the reader to drag with it. Just an editing and spelling problem. No biggie.

Unnamed
Darth Terros
500 years before the battle of Yavin.
Two Jedi go on a mission that quickly goes wrong. The survivor hides on a planet.

DT is obviously young, the style is jumpy and punctuation is poorly done. However, I want to see more of this kid’s work.

Secrets of the Force
Renegade Angel
Set 4 years after Malchior V
RA tends to jump around a lot, and it gets confusing. But his story is intriguing.
My only real problem with it is this; The force is something created by living beings, and I don’t believe that a simulator of any kind would allow you to actually test what it could do without serious drawbacks.
Picture say Obi Wan from SW1 turning, and throwing the force push as he did to knock down the droids in the first section .
Now picture it inside a simulator with REAL walls beyond the holographic target.
You would need something twice the size of the holodecks from Star Trek, and even then it would be a problem.
But that is a minor point, and only bothers the ‘purist’ as my wife would say.

From The Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Back Stage, Spice and Peace Brigade Dealings
Darthsolo

Set at the start of the Yuuzhan Vong war. A comedian/ship’s captain finds himself knee deep in the Peace Brigade.

The story was intriguing because this is a side of Republic life you rarely see. The inner workings of trason in action, yet told from the point of view of someone who gets into it without knowing. Worth a look.

Revelations, a clone wars story
sidious618

A Clone Wars Story
Starting the day after the battle of Geonosis, the inner workings of the senate and military in the first months of the war.

Well written, and thought out. Sidious obviously know the subject matter.

Dark Tidings: An Imperial Agent's Story
James T. Skywalker

Set during the Empire after the Rebel Alliance was formed. The travails of an Imperial Agent.
The story is well written and fast paced. The use of nomenclature in the first two chapters was perfect.


From Kotorfanmedia


Chasing Redemption, Prologue: A Hard Truth
Prisoner 24601

Direct sequel to the author’s From the Ashes .
The style is still excellent, and the segue from sad memorial for a fallen enemy to arrest by special operations troops is well done. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it ten thumbs up. Add mine to it.

Layers of Deception, Chapter 1
Seraterranova

Starting with the destruction of the Endar Spire

The writing is steady and crisp, the characters well defined.

Searching For What Was Lost
Allroav

Set after KOTOR: The scattered crew of Ebon Hawk begins the search for Revan.

Very well done, the reactions of Dustil and Mission to the loss of someone they cared about only accentuates the reaction of Carth.

[machievelli]

Darth333, who asked me to start doing these made one request recently, and that was that I post URLs for the stories I review. If you want one for a previous review, please contact me via my own e-mail audmun@msn.com. Eventually I will have one attached to Star Wars Knights.com, but it hasn’t been activated, or maybe just not where I can get to it.

Darth333 has also decided that if anyone is going to stick a fork in me and tell us if I am done, it is her. So yes Virginia, there will be a critique of my work soon enough.


From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Legendary Exile
analia
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154587

A young girl is given a mission to find her sister Revan.

The only problem I had with this story little lady is you didn’t go any farther.. Come on!

Star Wars KOTOR III: The True Sith Empire.
Kookaburra
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155729

The continuing story of the Exile and his mission

This is the second of kookabura’s works I have read. The ideas are there but again there are the neophyte problems. The first paragraph should by my estimate, be three.
He doesn’t show much knowledge about weapons. Of course this is because he’s working from the game, and everything you hold in your hand to inflict damage is automatically a melee weapon. It is just that there are over fifty varieties of sword alone that I can think of without cracking a book.
Don’t take it as a major attack, kid. It is a minor thing that will be fixed by time.

An Apprentice's Betrayal
RagingHippy212
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155982

The fateful days before Revan is captured.

Like a lot of the kids writing here, the author doesn’t know a lot about the military and how it is organized. Here a specific mistake was made, and I will address it because it is an uncommon one.
Even when they are technically the most important men on a mission, (Seal teams, pilots, etc) a junior officer is not in charge unless there is no one senior to him in rank. What he says is taken into account, and more weight is given than normal because of it, but that is it. You announce Ensign Ulgo, yet have him giving orders to a fleet and berating a Jedi. A junior officer in that situation doesn’t ‘assume’ that his word is writ. Not and go much farther in the service.
There are some editing problems, and that is pretty much all the nasty stuff I can say.
Except for that it is well written and worth reading. Keep it up and bring it on kid!


From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

STAR WARS RESURRECTION: ETERNAL DARKNESS
darth cimmer
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5561

44 years after the battle of Endor, three Jedi are sent on a mission and immediately discover resistance.

The pacing is fast, and furious. The writer keeps you going.

Power Of The Force: Rise Of The Legions
obi-wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5562

A year after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war a new evil arises.

The only problem I had with the story was the idea that the Star Forge might still exist in the time of the New Republic. After all, wasn’t it destroyed at the end of Kotor 1?


The Light of an Ignored Star
Erick Landrider
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5646

Tatooine, 39 years after Return of the Jedi

Here instead of saying something off the cuff, I’m going to use his own words;

It is a story of a no-name who's dedication and no-quit attitude keep him going in the worst times of his life.

The story is one section of life you don’t see very often, the dragging poverty and boredom of real life. The main character is not even remotely likeable because he just irritates you.
What irritated ME was he only did the one chapter.




From kotorfanmedia

Letting go
Jiara
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=311

Carth learns to let go of his hatred
In interim between Kotor and Kotor II

The write is intense from the first few sentences, Jiara pushes the pace, as would any woman in the situation she is describing. Excellent

Thinking ‘Bout It
fnord
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=358

Starting with the escape from Endar Spire, a comedic look.

Fnord enjoys the work, and is funny without really trying. Most of the humor is about the situation in this first segment, falling and accidentally spearing an opponent, that kind of thing.
I’m going back and finishing it.

Findings - A Jedi
clodilla
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=432

Kotor 1 The first tentative conversations between Carth and Illitha (Revan).

I actually got some ideas for changes in my own work from this. The style is brisk with a lot of introspection by both characters.

[Alkonium]

so you're going to wait to review mine until I'm done the trilogy?

[JediKnight707]

Are you purposefully evading mine???? Nice review.

[RC-1162]

i think you should just hyperlink the fanfic names Mach, that will look better.

[machievelli]

guys, until Darth333 asked me, I was just running through the sequence from start to finish. Cut me some slack!

[machievelli]

Jedi707, I've been going from old to new

[stingerhs]

and i agree with machievelli, so just mind your own business. besides, nobody said that we had to give you guys reviews on the stories you write. remember that.

[machievelli]

as for hyperlinking, I'm an old man who remembers when a computer as powerful as this POS of mine needed a 20 by 20 room with seven half inch wide, ten inch reel tape drives. I don't know HOW to hyperlink

[JediKnight707]

POS...

[Darth333]

Good job

...you can expect the critique of the critic in about a week

[machievelli]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!

[RC-1162]

um, good luck.
and if you were serious about the hyperlinking bit, go here and scroll down to the hyperlinking bit

[Vladimir-Vlada]

Originally Posted by machievelli

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!

Poor guy. I can only imagine through what kind of hell is he going to pass. Good luck!

[Sabretooth]

*raises hand*

Can I be the critic critic critic?

[RC-1162]

sure, and ill be the critic critic critic critic

[machievelli]

16 Dec

Rescue from Mustafar
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155005

65 Years after the Battle of Yavin, Three Jedi face the legendary HK47

The action is fast and furious, which is good, but the author is compressing it, making it more like a series of movie clips than a coherent story. Like watching just the commercials, and saying you saw the movie. A story must be coherent beyond the action sequences. There must be an underlying bed of created reality to keep the readers on track. This type of thing can work for a movie, but tends to fail in the written work.
The main problem with this work is the writer is trying to bridge a 4,000+ year gap and cannot do it seamlessly. There is no explanation why a robot over 4,000 years old is still running around, why a droid army which was shut down in Revenge of the Sith is still operational, and why they had to name a ship the II, when after 4,000 years I am sure a few others had been christened with that name.
It needs work, but it will work if it is cleaned up.

Fall of the Jedi
RagingHippy212
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156400

Very good. My only problem is there isn’t enough to keep me going. Write some more, kid.

The Plight of Darkness
ForceFightWme12
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=151361

After the destruction of the Star Forge.
Revan and Bastila start at loose ends.

I have been asked several times to review this, and have held back to allow all the other reviews below it.
It was worth the wait.
The style is hesitant, and the author is right when she said she misspelled some things. It needs editing, and that is pretty much all I can say about it in a negative vein.
You’re good kid. Really good.


From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Ben Skywalker: Father's Shadow
Obi Wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5585
46 years after A New Hope
A Young Jedi teeters on the edge of the dark side.
The style is good but the writer tends to merely let the story drag him along instead of guiding it. Like a lot of young writers this is not a really bad thing. It just means he has to spend more time polishing his craft.


Double Legacy
Princess Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5652

Set four and a half years after A New Hope. Luke and Leia travel to Naboo to find out about their mother.

The basic story is good but the writer is buried in minutiae at the start. This I believe is because like a lot of the younger generation, she was raised with visual rather than written entertainment. This is not a bad thing, but it does show in the writing style. It needs to be smoothed out, but that is what editing and rewriting is for.
The only problem she has that really needs addressing is the political system on Naboo. Remember that while Padme was called Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace, the title seems to be what they call their president, rather than a title that is passed on to the children. She started with the idea that being Padme’s son automatically made him King.
Again, a minor problem, easily corrected.


Victory Quest: The Growing of the Shadows
Sidious618

A continuation of his earlier work Revelations

Like revelations, he tells the story with news clips followed by vignettes. Well done.

Kotorfanmedia

Coming to Terms
xenzen
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=456

Between Kotor 1 and II.
There is a reason Jedi shouldn’t love...
Kotorfanmedia does what they call dueling circles, a round-robin story line. I have left them alone mostly because the stories, due to having other writers putting their oars in, in inconsistent.
However xenzen has outdone himself with this segment. The angst of a couple loving each other, yet arguing about something as simple as how to treat a young adult is excellent.

Carth Vs Revan
Carthlover64
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=453

Set after the destruction of the Star Forge. Revan and Carth face the fact that they might not be together...

I’ve never been much for romance writing. The work is clean and workmanlike, with a deep understanding of the problems of having a forbidden relationship. It isn’t my cup of tea, but if you enjoy love scenes, I would suggest reading it all.

Debt
lastofthelineage
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=464

Set after KOTOR I
A redeemed Malak must prove Revan is innocent of a heinous crime.

There aren’t many stories out there where Malak was redeemed, and this was the first I have read. The style is excellent, and only needs editing to make it first class.

[Alkonium]

I see, that you've given me a somewhat bad review. But don't worry, in the next two parts of my trilogy, I'm putting a lot more work into them.

[ForceFightWMe12]

Thanks for the review! Note to self: Use spellcheck

[machievelli]

Alkonium, I'll make a deal with you. I'll review you again next month. Check out the comment I PMed you.
Force, Edit, edit, edit.

[Alkonium]

Actually, I'm going to leave my story as is, and put a lot more work into the next parts, as there are too many parts of the story requiring a post-movie era setting.

[JediKnight707]

Were getting there...soon my review shall dominate *evil laughter, thunder slaps me and RC1162* Good review

[machievelli]

I am posting a little early so I can start my Yule celebration. Those who are going to be reviewed next should be warned that I will probably have a hangover next week.
That isn't true, I never have hangovers. But hey, it's a good excuse.

24 December
First, Happy Yule to my fellow Pagans. Merry Christmas to the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, Solemn Tet to the Buddists Happy Boxing Day to Canadians

From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

Triumph of the Republic
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156087

Continuation of story Rescue from Mustafar

The only complaints I have here are the same ones for Rescue from Mustafar..
Beyond that the action is excellent, storyline well done.

Path of Betrayal
Robqeldroma
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156628

Set 50 years after KOTOR II: The Sith Lords
A young man is sent on a spy mission to infiltrate the Mandalorians
In the third section you misspelled feigning. No biggie.
While I am surprised sometimes by how bad some writing can be, I am refreshed when I find excellent ideas done well. Rob except for some editing problems and some misspelling, I have nothing bad to say about it.
Well done!

Star Wars: Victim of Betrayal
Sabretooth
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155419

Sequel to Invisible Hope, concurrent with Revenge of the Sith
When Order 66 was passed, some didn’t take it well..

The problem I have with Sabretooth’s work is it’s always good enough to keep me going, but he never writes it fast enough to keep me happy.

Very Well done. You mentioned the KOTOR prequel, let me know when it’s started.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


In My Father's Shadow
Jedi Bounty
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5070

The unknown daughter of Obi Wan Kenobi seeks her father even as evil forms around her.

First, it’s great to have a story that suggests that even Obi Wan was a youngster. The writing is excellent, the idea superb, and like a lot of you kids, only marred by editing and spelling problems. Keep it up!


All That Matters
princess_Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5692

An alternate Universe version of Return of the Jedi.
Fighting a debilitating illness, Luke moves toward reconciliation with his father.

I don’t tend to like AU fiction but this is better than most I have read. As a possible outcome, it is well thought out. There was always the chance that Luke would either join his father, or the emperor. The writing style is a bit confusing, but not bad.

Jedi Outcast: Unlikely Heroes
Obi wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5860

A team of unlikely heros must save the galaxy

In writing there is the idea that you can take the story from a book and crossover into it from reality. The movie Galaxy Quest comes to mind.
This is one of those stories. The basis being that the entire Star Wars universe is real and just over there in the unfashionable end of the galaxy resides our own Earth. If he had left it at that, all well and good. But he also had the ship land, be found by George Lucas who stole the idea for a series of moneymaking movies and sent it back off into space where it crash-landed on Earth yet again to pick up a bunch of kids.
The style is pure Obi Wan Read my postings of his work from 5 November, 26 November and 16 December, needing polish more than anything else.


From kotorfanmedia

After the Star Forge
azoq
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=413
As the teaser says; “So what does the most famous heroine in the galaxy do after she’s defeated Darth Malak, destroyed the Star Forge and saved the Republic?”
“She goes on vacation,”
I thought it was horrible yet funny to have the Rakata homeworld suddenly become the most popular tourist trap in the galaxy. The writing is well done, and using the younger girl as the main character after Revan and Carth a good choice. Especially with the child’s attitude that the Jedi are an evil Elf like group that steals children. Worth a look.

Questions of Character
jiara
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=500
After the destruction of the Star Forge, Carth asks Revan to marry him. The result...

Jiara had a lot of fun mixing angst, romance, and humor in this one segment. Having HK47 straining and grinding trying to be nice was the perfect touch. 18 people gave this a thumbs up on the site. It deserved them.

Silence Is Copper-toned
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=564

listed as following ‘Future’s End” ”Slow Dissolve” and ”Lost and Found” by the same author, though it was posted before the last listed. With Katrina (Revan) going somewhere, her daughter by Carth Onasi reprograms HK47 with humorous results.

She’s done it again! I have yet to read anything of Rose’s that I have not liked. I just wish I was as prolific.

[JediKnight707]

I'm beginning to think that you don't like me How come you haven't reviewed mine yet?

[RC-1162]

cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

[RC-1162]

um, FFWM12 is a she, Mach. maybe you should change that

[Sabretooth]

Well, I rarely find the time to write, but heck this thread is a real motivator device. Expect the next chapter in a few days, people.

About my KotOR Prequel:
I'm going to start it when I'm done with VoB (Which is not going to be too long).

spoiler:

The prequel is set about a year before KotOR and is divided in two books: "The Rise of Ancete" and "The Fall of the Sith Lord". The first book focuses on Ancete as a strategist for an Exchange crime lord, and his rise from the lowly galactic mafia to the position of the Admiral of the Sith Fleet. The first book also looks at Revan's betrayal and Malak's grudges. The second book concentrates on the strategies and tactics employed by Revan and Ancete and the contradictory tactics of Malak and his grudges. It also features Bandon and sets up the ground for the situation of things in KotOR. The end of the second book will be just minutes before the beginning of KotOR.

Whew...

[Alkonium]

Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

[JediKnight707]

Originally Posted by RC 1162

cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

Oh, that's why *I tsk you for shooting thunder, but secretly agree with you*

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Alkonium

Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

Let me know, and I will read it all and review it again if you want.

As for FFWM12, I apologize for changing her gender in my review. I have repaired the oversight,and she can put her skirt back on.
It's just rare when I write something like this that the one I'm reviewing doesn't complain first.

Bingle Jells

[Alkonium]

I noticed you made no mention of the fact that in my story, the Republic and the Yuuzhan Vong are allies. Is this to avoid contoversy, or because you're indifferent to that part?

[machievelli]

How much do you know about history, kid? England was our mortal enemy through two wars, and a bosom budy from then on. Germany the same. Russia was friend, enemy, then friend again.
Considering when you have set it, a limited amount of working together made sense. I'm wondering if the alliance caused by the war between the Republic and Imperial Remnant will survive.

[JediKnight707]

Got a review coming up soon Mach?

[Sabretooth]

Oh, and like Alkonium, can you re-review VoB once it's done. It'll be somewhere between 10-20 chapters long.

Also, here's a porblem I've been having all this while. I don't use original words. Don't get me wrong, I have a reasonably vast vocabulary, but I just don't get the right words when I need them, which is why I often use the same words and phrases, or give awkward descriptions which can be easily solved by using a word or two. The words just don't pop into my head when I need them. Any ideas?

[machievelli]

Let me know, Sabre.
Every writer has things they repeat ad nauseum. Don Pendleton in the Executioner series, Clive cussler with his last half dozen bookswhere he just had to inject a character of the same name.
When it's just words, try a thesaurus. The advantage of a computer, you can put it in, re-read the scene, and if that word doesn't work, just replace it. On the par, you haven't done that badly yet.
Besides, one thing I have constantly bemoaned in reading in the last half-century is that while there are more than 200,000 words in the English language, only about 4,000 are used even in College level texts.

[machievelli]

By my estimate JD, two more weeks. Sorry.

[Hallucination]

You double posted, isn't that illegal if you're a person with a job on LF?