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Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:59 AM   #1241
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
No. They are just some very poor crazy peasants that hope for a better future. Also when a soldier knows that he has other 5 million soldiers while the enemy on 50,000 then he will be expecting victory.
Thank you for your kind attention. One thing I enjoy is a willing student. As fror why I asked, there was no rational reason for your army to be so badly equipped. As to 'knowing' you will win, I give you two quotes. The first is from my Return From Exile prior to the battle of Dxun. The Republic commander has accepted an honorable challenge, and this is the Exile's reply as second in command as a Jedi among the Infantry contingent: When told she has to take exactly the same number of troops as she faces. She can expect massive certain losses when a defender starts at needing two to one jjust by using available natural cover even before considering redoubts etc where it can climb to needing six to one to defeat them.

“How the hell do you expect me to maintain an army this idiot is busy destroying to make himself look good in the history books!”

“Then it can’t be done?”

“Oh it can be done!” Marai shouted. “But the reunion will be ten or fifteen of them sitting around afterward because all the rest of us will be dead!”

The other quote comes from the Movie Big Red One at the end where the men bust their humps saving the German sergeant that had been stabbed after the ceasefire had occurred. The narrator end the movie with this:

Zab: [narrating] Saving that Kraut was the final joke of the whole goddamned war. I mean we had more in common with him than all our replacements who got killed whose names we never even knew. We'd all made it through we were alive. I'm gonna dedicate my book to those who shot but didn't get shot, because it's about survivors. And surviving is the only glory in war, if you know what I mean.

What both are saying is this. My Exile is saying you can win, but remember the cost. The second quote boils down to surviving is the only goal of a soldier. For the commander is trying to keep as many of your own alive.

You're still ignoring everything that could be done before your troops deploy. Whether a single planet or a hundred, you have to face the fact that such a poorly armed force is going to suffer massive casualties every time they go into battle and I cannot see any group of Jedi no matter how tainted leading them in this regard.


The reason I suggested Taris for the starting point is simple, in an overly built up city with narrow and short approaches, your army has the best chance of assaulting enemy troops with better weapons, meaning more of your troops survive.

Take for example, your army attacking Manhattan Island. I will allow that you were able to get them all into present day Harlem before the army reacts.

Too many commanders are not going to think deep enough and high enough as it were; there are sections of Harlem where a 2 by 6 or 2 by 8 plank will get you to the next street over not touching the ground in between. For that matter, thanks to the narrow alleyways of that section of the city you can go through alleys and only touch streets when you cross them to get to the next block. You can walk in the front door of this street, out the back door into the alley, in the back door of the next building, and now you are on the next street over.

As for down there are tunnels under Manhattan up to a mile down that have not been used in a century, and poorly mapped. So you can flank the better armed enemy, and eventually win, but what happens then?

Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
Also the revolution started in multiple planets. That means that with a huge supplies and and shipyards they could take over a lot of planets. Also with the help of almost half the jedi knights, they have generals to lead.
Whether ten or a thousand planets, ignore what your enemy can do, and you will automatically fail. Let's use the US as an example. Somehow your army has defeated our army, and they immediately move to capture enough ships to invade other countries. But ships are not like used cars; except for the mothball fleets, you do not have ships just sitting at the dock for you to examine and buy. Even the cheapest derelict out of WWII is going to cost a couple of million dollars to buy, and there are enough small shipping companies out there that the only reason a working ship is still docked is that it is desperately in need of repair, in a mothball fleet, or judged as scrap.

There are six mothball fleets, one at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, another at Bremerton Washington. One in San Francisco Bay, another in Mobile Alabama, Two more, one in Philadelphia Harbor, the last in Boston. So let's say you've started on refurbishing these ships. It isn't going to be immediate, these ships has rested since WWII and you have to open the shells, check what needs replacement, and fix them. Assuming a full wartime emergency General Haskins of The Third Word War fame said it would take a week to ten days to refurbish each group assuming every effort is used. Your own army would not be able to force this or speed it up, but it doesn't matter.

The only question is how I, as the opponent would stop you? While you have conquered the nation, the 'wet' navy has not given up. The US has seven fleets with carriers supported by surface warships; one in the Med, one on the Indian Ocean Station, two on the Atlantic coast, three in the Pacific. Both third and seventh fleets (Pacific) can hit the West Coast and Hawaii, First and Fourth (Atlantic) can hit the East. They do so.

Alpha strikes (Full assaults) hit Boston and Philadelphia, on the east coast, Two more alpha strikes hit San Francisco and Bremerton. All within less than five hours. A modern Nimitz class carrier (As portrayed in the Final Countdown) could duplicate what it took six WWII carriers to do in WWII. It could destroy the entire WWII Pacific fleet by itself. In each harbor, it devastates the mothball fleets plus every functioning ship and every shipyard. The only two remaining are Mobile and Pearl. While your army is working to move the ships somewhere safe, six hours after the first bomb dropped on San Francisco, the first bomb of Alpha Strike II is dropping on Pearl Harbor. Five hours later the Mobile mothball fleet is being blown to hell.

This is not hyperbole, a carrier stationed fifty miles west of Los Angeles can strike San Francisco 400 miles north, Bremerton 1000 miles north or as far East as St Louis. It could also attack Pearl Harbor without moving. Not all at the same time, but in sequence. Two Carriers (7th and 3rd fleets in the Pacific historically) can do this. 1st and 4th fleets (Atlantic) could do the same in the Atlantic. The only reason for the delay for destroying Mobile in because after their first strikes, the fleets would have to steam south then west into the Caribbean. One fleet could launch a second alpha strike while the aircraft from the other used what is called 'hot decking'; They fly from their carrier, fully loaded, land on the second carrier, load fuel then launch again. The first strike hits, returns to their carrier, then, instead of staying there, flies to the other carrier after only loading fuel so the second strike returns to the first carrier. They have already destroyed you ability to expand beyond the Western Hemisphere, they just have to play 'musical strike groups' to get the proper aircraft back where they belong.

In the Star Wars universe, I could just use something postulated back in the 70s here but never deployed. So on a world called Yurth, their military unveils this weapon.

As your army starts to refurbish one of the fleets, suddenly hell reigns.

It's called Tactical High Orbital Response, or THOR. Really all it is is satellites with a hundred kinetic energy weaons, nothing more than a hundred one hundred pound steel crowbars. They orbit between 300 and 1000 mile above the planet, with the aiming system using the Keyhole satellites in geosynchronous orbit. It is so simple that Reagan's Star Wars initiative ignored it. An artillery system using simple Newtonian physics to deliver hell.

So as satellite A rotates into position it's payload is de-orbited. No explosives, no armor piercing sheathing or shaped charge warhead. With the gravity of the planet behind it, the 'crowbars' don't need it. Only orbital mechanics, gravity, and mass. As they paraphrased in the Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 'we don't need no stinking payload'. Each 'crowbar' has a rudimentary targeting system, and is aimed at less than 50 targets. Within an hour, these destroy the ships your army already has, and less than an hour later every shipyard joins them.

Yet the constellation imagined back in the 70s is not expended. In fact less than 5 % has been used. Your Army cannot interfere, and the defeated are still fighting back.

I submit that the army you postulate would be trapped on the planets it sprang from, never able to escape it by simple orbital mechanics.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-19-2012, 12:30 PM   #1242
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1) There are and some real << soldiers >> in the army.

2) There are people who can built spaceships.

3) Although i like realism, in my opinion star wars is a world of magic. Of a mysterious force. Of the great jedi knights of the old republic. I just want to write something that would make the others enjoy reading it. Remember, star wars is phantasy.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:34 PM   #1243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
1) There are and some real << soldiers >> in the army.

2) There are people who can built spaceships.

3) Although i like realism, in my opinion star wars is a world of magic. Of a mysterious force. Of the great jedi knights of the old republic. I just want to write something that would make the others enjoy reading it. Remember, star wars is phantasy.
1; I know you had some real soldiers, otherwise the raid that blocked the supply lines would have failed.

2; any enemy is going to deny you the capability to proceed if they can. What I have described is what they would do, and they would continue to smash the attempts to build new ships for as long as it takes. While the Republic itself would proabably not be able to, the worlds around you would do it; after all, the ships and troops used by the Republic in KOTOR were more likely units of the member planets, since they didn't have an organized army until the Clone Wars.

3; enjoyment in reading calls for two things, a good story (If you had not divided the Jedi evenly then had your army armed with such inferior weapons it would have been excellent) and what an older writer called 'willing suspension of disbelief'. The reader has to accept that the world you create is valid; that magic and monster exist, that weapons made of nothing but energy will form a blade rather than merely a beam, that the Force works. We all suspended that disbelief when we decided Star Wars was a good movie and later a good series of books, games etc. We wouldn't be here if we had not.

But that disbelief returns in full force when you throw something out that makes absolutely no sense. That is why I gave you two different versions of what peasant could mean. If they are old feudal style peasants, they do not have the skills necessary to complete even part of what you envision. If they are like I described, they would be able to do some of it.

Note I did not deny you weapons and vehicles, only that the weapon choice made no sense. My arguments regarding transport was merely that it doesn't matter how many men you can field if you cannot transport them to their target and keep them supplied. In fact before the War Between the States, no army in history numbered even a million men; without railroads and later large trucks, you could not get the supplies to the men farthest from the supply source. Remember that while both sides fielded a million plus during that war, the largest battle of that war; Gettysburg, had less than 140,000 men maneuvering and fighting in the field.

The reason the police are able to quell riots is not because they have the authority, it is that they are usually armed with better weapons and tactics. In military parlance, ranged weapons are a force multiplier. A man with a bow can kill men at ranges up to 500 yards and fire 12 aimed shots a minute, which means that in the time you take to run that distance, a good archer can kill eight men, meaning that he is worth eight line infantrymen with swords. By the same token, a man with a Spencer or Henry Rifle facing men armed with muzzle loading rifles was worth ten of them. And this is only on the infantry level.

Muskets when they were introduced were better than bows only because the sheer terror of having a dozen fellows blown away in an instant (Along with an ear shattering soud) because you are facing volley fire will disconcert the people being fired upon. The Chinese used gunpodwer rocket and firecrackers to terroize the horses of their opponents, since the weapons themselves had little utility. But it did confuse the enemy enough for other weapons to take up the strain.

There is an axiom in military strategy, not attributed to any specific General, merely a fact that can be seen by outside observers; An army is always training to fight the last war, not this one.

Fully rifle equipped troops surprised everyone, because until the War Between the States, no military commander had considered how much tactics had to change because of them. In the Crimea, they just thought the difference was an aberration, so even the foreign observers during our war ignored that the tactics of Napoleon's day were no longer valid when Lee sent in Pickett's Brigade. Europe had still not learned this lesson before WWI, and the idea of fire and maneuver, which the Americans introduced during that war literally stunned both allies and enemies alike.

The German introduction of out of line of sight artillery allowed them to keep at bay over twice their number on the Western Front, and machine guns which only had seen a lick and a promise in our War Between the States allowed the German army to reduce the size of the division from 25,000 to only 16 thousand even in the midst of the war.

Every innovation that has stood the test of time has made armies smaller, more efficient, and more lethal.

That is what I have been trying to show you, because even peasants of the feudal mentality can learn to operate and maintain bolt action rifles and simple revolvers. Peasants on my level can learn to operate a tank or aircraft. They don't need to be able to build them, only to operate them.

But to build a ship from planning stages to completed model you need skilled artisans. You need men who can form the plating of their hulls, develop the guns, missiles, or whatever weapon they are armed with, the engines to power it, and the skilled crews who understand how the hyper drive works and be able to fix it to man them.

As I said, if your army had been smaller (Say a quarter to half a million, with a corresponding reduction of the force being attacked) if you had not issued such pathetic weapons (A small reduction between them, say arming yours with projectile weapons rather than blasters) and if you had taken all of the additional countervailing factors into account, I would have judged your work adequate bordering on excellent. Adding the Jedi no matter how unrealistic your premise of why they joined the rebellion would have been acceptable as well.

In passing, the reason I was accepted as Critic here was because of my own desire (Which matched those who hired me) that I not be merely a movie critic, telling everyone what you did wrong. Rather I was to act as a teacher, as if you are in High School (Middle school according to your location) who tells you, 'no, this does not work, try this instead'. I do not know if you have read it. but the book It by Stephen King shows what I mean.

Bill (One of the characters) is taking a college level creative writing course. The teacher is hung up on what is called the underlying metaphor; what is the author really trying to examine in society, rather than what the story is about on the surface. Bill suggests that sometimes an author is showing exactly what he means in the story. The teacher acts as if this were heresy, ending his diatribe with 'until you learn this, you will never become a real author.'

Bill's next story links to what had happened in his previous life, a young boy finding out there is a real monster in the basement, confronting and defeating it. The teacher grades it as C- if I remember correctly. Bill returns to his dorm room, and instead of accepting the teacher's advise, retypes the cover page for publication, and sends it to a magazine which promptly snaps it up.

Overjoyed at his first sale as an author, he posts two things on the professor's bulletin board (Where someone dropping a class would post his request) nothing more than his class member card, and a copy of the check he received. The teacher marks his card with a bright red F then has the audacity to add, 'as if money is the judge of who is a good writer!'.

In other words, my job is not actually to be a critic as people define the term. My job is to help you be a better writer and make reading your material more enjoyable for all of us.

I happened to like the movie, and except for the obviously propaganda points (The shot down pilot lambasting the teens in question because they have better food than the survivors in Denver) it was pretty good. The dialogue between the Cuban commander and the KGB rep ((I used to be a Partisan, now I am merely a policeman) was choice. IMDB didn't think the quote worthy of a listing, but I did.

Do not take my criticisms as bullying. I know as well as you that we are dealing with a fantasy world. But if you want your readers to enjoy your work, don't give them something that cannot be swallowed by them. To keep the readers, you have to create a vibrant world with realistic enemies and situations. To as I parphrase shakespeare, hold up a mirror to reveal what is there.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-19-2012 at 09:34 PM.
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:57 AM   #1244
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I know. Anyway:

1) The leaders of the << Blues Army >> had both the money and the people and the workers to built new spaceships.

2) Many planets joined the rebellion, without a peasant revolution happening.
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Old 01-20-2012, 03:42 PM   #1245
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Also i forgot to say that the << blue army>> is a religious group.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:38 AM   #1246
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SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Breaking Point
MsFicWriter

Set in TOR: Part three continuation of the Author's work: the main character uses her links to others to maintain her sanity, but even that might be a fragile hope

The piece is an follow on. Her own view in her mind, that it is just a series of destruction tests, and that their tormentors will merely state they were unworthy no matter how many they faced was cogent. Her reaction to her own thoughts, that Vadym should kill the Sith who is setting up the torments makes her pause in her mind, as a thought you know is evil or wicked would.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

To Be a Jedi Promised Flower

After KOTOR: An young adult hopeful asks for Jedi training

The piece has several chapters, and I didn't have time this week to read more than the first. The title in the chapter pull down amused me enough that I wish it wasn't the case.

That title, 'Go bother a Krayt Dragon' amused me on two levels; first thinking of the famous W.C. Fields line; 'Go way my boy ya bother me', then as if the person had read my Return from Exile when my Exile is explaining how Jedi are chosen then suggests a sarcastic advertisement; ‘People wanted with special abilities to manipulate the world. Requirements, Midichlorian level 4,000 or more. Age, no older than seven. Intensive training required.

Prerequisites; few. pay non existent, hours long, danger great. Apply at 2151 Jedi drive, Coruscant’.

So yes, I think this is worth reading further.

Pick of the Week

Something's Up
Noneko

TSL on Nar Shaddaa; Finding out about Atton's past all because of a bet...

Remember to sight edit; In the paragraph that begins; "Maybe you could be my cousin from off planet…" you forgot a conversation break. No biggie, but noticed. Later in the line 'In a corner of her mind' you forgot to finish the sentence, making us wonder what emotion Atton was showing.

Technical note: You made the same mistake that George Lucas did in the first movie, the one place where anyone who knows science groans. A parsec is a unit of distance, not time. So saying 'I made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs' means you didn't do it fast, but that the distance you traveled in doing so was less than anyone else. It's like a race car driver saying 'I drove the Indy 500 in less than 500 miles'.

The piece was interesting in having Atton expecting the Exile to play an only partially spoiled little rich girl to his smooth talking swindler. Using her skills to read the players so he can win, then turning around and giving up the winnings for information, with her acting now as a Jedi lie detector. Her complaint that they didn't learn anything new doesn't fit a good general; all intelligence officers know there is either good data or bad data, or data that confirms which is which.

His going from the role to punching her, then to being willing to talk makes him come across as she accused; a psychopath. In my own work I was more confrontational, not taking no for an answer at this point.

Betrayal of the Sith
Slashing StarScream

Post KOTOR: Revan sends his apprentice to examine a clone army. But more is happening...

The piece is too reminiscent of scenes from The Clone Wars and Revenge of the Sith. Having the primary ship turn into a giant robot ala transformers was a bit too much. However having your men slaughtering Sith everywhere was a nice touch. Possibly explaining why the Republic was able to come back after the Jedi Civil War.

Technical note; As the old saying goes, There is nothing new under the sun. The only thing is that if someone had tried a clone army once before, there would be records of that fact. Obi Wan would have been able to discover this after being told that the Kamino are cloners by merely checking the Jedi Archives.

The Struggle Toadal Faith

No specific era given: On Dantooine a young Jedi makes the supreme sacrifice

The piece was well wrought, the conflict clear and the outcome in doubt only because as the author points out, everyone had both light and dark within them. We never even learn the hero’s name or sex, only that the person used everything of themself to win.

Pick of the Week

The Dark Side Story
Toadal Faith

No specific era given: A new Sith hopeful begins his training.

The piece is pretty good but you have the character learning too fast; it is like in the original Star Wars having Luke go from just the average farm boy to fighter pilot with no time in between. It works in a movie, because days or weeks can pass in a few minutes, but in a story there is usually something that shows time is passing. Your character goes from 'here's what you have to learn' (that does take all night) but the next 'days' lesson is skills quite beyond that.

Nerves
Selkit

Ebon Hawk En route to Tatooine: How hard is it to say?

The piece is a cute bit of fluff that makes the relationship between the pair a little clearer. A fun read.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Bastila's Lesson
JoySweeper

KOTOR on Rakatan Homeworld: Bastila's fall is complete.

Remember to do a sight edit. During the segment when Revan is planning to go against authority, you forgot conversation breaks.

The piece reminds me of my own KOTOR novel. When Bastila confronts my version of Revan, she lambasts the woman because it was the link that was dragging her down when she was being tortured, as that same link here is making Malak an old friend rather than just a Jedi she had known only in passing before. The start with the constant changing scenes is reminiscent of the treatment in the Lubyanka prison where the light stay on all the time, meals are served in a bewildering sequence of back to back then long periods in between, noises are piped in to make you wonder what time it is or that people are moving then deathly silent. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

I've Got Your Back
Enigmatique

Rakatan Homeworld on the beach: After slaughtering her one time allies, Revan discusses what will happen in the next battle

An interesting take; Revan not as Dark Lord, not as Jedi rising above it all, but in between. All of her fellows are dead or fled except for Canderous and the droids; yet Bastila still lives. Her reasoning is interesting; she cannot save the galaxy as Jedi, not does she wish to destroy it as Sith.

So Much for a Relaxing Vacation
Sir Boss

Pre KOTOR: A Jedi mission is interrupted by Darth Revan

The piece is cute in a sort of Poseidon Adventure way. The captain upset that a neutral is being used to transport something for the Republic Military and the Jedi; the Jedi assigned to the mission being themselves, and the poor family from Coruscant who are looking at their first real vacation being disrupted by it all. As one of the reviewers said, I hope it's a short cliff, even if I don't have time to read on.

Double Blind
SvartKnytt

Pre KOTOR: The test of Spirit

A well done way to explain the test of spirit. I was unsure if the character was the Exile and he had a relationship with Bastila before departing, or if this is another character all together.

T3-M4 Puppet Master
Jlarissa

Post KOTOR: When Revan gets cabin Fever, it's T3 to the rescue!

The piece starts out simple, Revan just wanting to go wandering if only for a brief time. But when Carth starts throwing up things that would stop her T3 fixes the problem in an amusing way. Picturing T3 acting like a mob collection agent with Canderous as his bemused muscle, blackmailing half the station while suborning the other half makes for a funny ride. The ending and T3's revenge on HK is a riot.

Pick of the Week

Lot of Bit
PlutoSpawn

Post KOTOR: Pillow talk before Revan leaves

The piece is short, and no earthshaking events occur, but you have a feeling of finality even before the next dawn


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-28-2012, 10:11 AM   #1247
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: A Rival Returns
MsFicWriter

Set in TOR: Part three continuation of the Author's work: Freed from the pit, the main character must decide if she still trusts an old rival

The piece was short this time, but the scenes are etched clear. The only reason it is a bit unsatisfying is because if I were a Sith hopeful, and knew I was facing a skewed test at another's behest, I would try to enlist the aid of the main character. After all, she had been an upright member of the order, and naturally predisposed to help rather than hinder.

That and the fact that all the evidence is hear say, and not verified.

Also if I were the one setting up yet another hopeful for a fall, I'd use the droids and some other Sith to create a 'play' as it were to cause a possibly good hopeful to act out of line with the Sith teachings; asking for help as an example.

The problem with Pfon is if he had been in charge when 'Revan' returned as a hopeful, the Academy would have been him in charge of the new intake, and all of the Sith teachers playing cards because there hasn't been a good hopeful in months...

So it can go either way; her old 'friend' is lying, using her to monitor the teacher, or the teacher can use this link to kill two birds with one stone by breaking Per'dra's will at the same time that he kills off Tamara.

Keep it up, kid. When I wonder this much, it's got to be good.

Pick of the Week

Magical Strike Force S: What Remains
Chevron 7 Locke

Set in an unknown (To me) Anime World: During a massive attack, a strike team is slowly reconstituting to fight on.

Technical note; what type of division were they part of? Like a different science division or a military one? A military division is approximately 16,000+ men before casualties, not the five we see.

As I mentioned to another writer a few weeks ago, the bandage is the simplest form of medical treatment because it can be created with anything from a poultice of leaves, a layer of mud, or even ripped up clothing. In the modern world they are so ubiquitous that you can get anything smaller than a military style compress at any drug or grocery store. You would only have to be seeking the hospital if you need things like compresses or painkillers stronger than say Tylenol or aspirin. Even the painkillers would not really be a hospital visit type problem; the average pharmacy in a drug store would carry bottles of stronger meds right down to laudanum, paregoric, and even heroin suppositories in various strengths, meaning you could use them on an unconscious patient.

The piece flowed well, the flashbacks and character introspection helped to build the background of what sounds like massive destruction. The reason I listed it as an anime world was because of the verbal shouts before you fire a weapon. But if the reader (Myself) have never seen it, or played the game it is a part of, a lot of the foundation is not there. Like using the terms warp drive and phasers if you have never seen Star Trek.

Revan 'Short' Story
Devizz

Set in TOR: Having been held prisoner in stasis for 300 years Revan returns to led the Jedi into yet another battle.

Use quotation marks (“”) instead of hyphens (-) for conversations. First, because the hyphen, which you used correctly once, is for a break in thought, such as when he wonders if Master Shan is any relation.

The term is three and a half centuries old, not three and a half hundred. Considering a standard generation (25 years) He would be her 10 times great grandfather (Meaning great repeated ten times before grandfather). It is overseeing (Administering) rather than overlooking (Seen from above).

Remember to sight edit. You left out words several times, and the ones I mention below are only the ones I was willing to mark down; the word 'the' before Emperor, when his mind was ravaged, then again when you mention the Sith Emperor, (an) ancient race though the Rakata had disappeared from the scene 25,000 years earlier; 'all (the) known galaxy', 'aware of (the) devastating casualties and all (the) men lost', though the last part of this sentence is redundant; the men are the casualties.

Also, check word usage. You said 'war that is about to wage' when you meant 'a war is soon to begin. You may wage war, or be ready to wage war, but the war does not wage itself.

Technical note: After creating the Star Forge, there would be no need for the Foundry you describe. If it had been created first, for example, it would have been in the Rakatan home system; anywhere else it would be subject to a take over by a rival faction. If it had existed, it would more likely have been a primary target during their own civil wars, and relatively unprotected anywhere else. But if that is true, you would have dismantled and scrapped it once the Star Forge was completed.

While the actual affect of being in stasis is never really explained, if you use the term as per modern Science Fiction, everything inside the field stops; that means you cannot access their mind while in stasis anymore than you can access a computer that has been switched off.

Your Revan sounds more dark side than light; he is giving what amounts to a Caeditie Eos order, because even if as has been stated the bulk of the Sith peoples would prefer the Republic's rule, a droid army could not separate the wheat from the chaff, only destroy everyone.

In one story (Not on this site) a military man wanted clarification on such an order, which under modern International law is illegal. When the politician is still not being clear (Trying to give such an order without actually saying it for the purposes of plausible deniability), the officer says 'well we can just kill anyone who happens to have a weapon in his hands', which is legal, but not what the politician had in mind.

kotorfanmedia

Frigid
Verna Jast

Post TSL, possibly four to five years: Atton never knew he needed that skill...

The piece is almost as fluffy as a down jacket. Atton the novice ice skater dealing with Bastila who (of course) is a master at this as well. The scenes flow so well you don't really notice the transitions, which is a mark of excellence. Her picking his pocket to steal his Pazaak deck makes me wonder if she has something else in mind...

Pick of the Week

Wetwork
Nivenus

Pre KOTOR: Looking at his dissolution into nothing but a hired thug, Canderous sees his salvation arrive as Endar Spire is attacked over head

Remember to sight edit. You used brash when you meant brass.

(Historical note) For those that don't know what the title means, wet work is a euphemism for assassination. Though coined in the late 60s after the death of Lavrentiy Beria; considering how Trotsky was killed, I think 'Iron Felix' would have loved it.

All of the events occur right before the first meeting of Revan's party with his in the Undercity. The piece looked long and unnecessarily drawn out at first but flowed pretty well. The in depth view not only of what Canderous is feeling and doing coincides smoothly with Davik's more direct approach. You can understand why Davik is treating him like an overpaid thug rather than a warrior, just as you know from what is described, that Davik is under utilizing his asset.

The Gray Line
Leelu

Split between KOTOR after the Leviathan, and Jolee's past: A story from Jolee's past helps the present ex-Sith Lord feel better about her life.

The piece is cute in it's own way. Picturing a 20 year old Jolee Bindo tearing up the town on his first time ever out of the Temple is balanced with HK's, “Statement: Halt, Bindo Unit. My master requires solitude while she attempts to reboot her hard drive.”

Their using up the last of the Corellian whiskey from Carth's stash was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Calo Nord: The beginning
SeraTerranova

Pre KOTOR: Where Calo Nord began

The piece is stark and unrelieved, but that style works wonderfully with the subject matter. You start with a betrayed child and end with cold blooded killer Nord became.

Pick of the Week

The Man For The Job
GreenGrass1914

KOTOR on the Rakatan homeworld: What if Trask had gone on the mission instead of Carth?

The piece is funny in a trip on a banana peel way. Trask shows here that he isn't even close to being half the man Carth was, unwilling to even say 'I love you' to Revan hoping to convince her to stay with the Light Side. With his waffling, it's no wonder Darth Revan returns.

Ahto City Sonata
PlutoSpawn

KOTOR on Manaan after Leviathan: Revan deals with Carth's feelings and her recent sexual coupling with Canderous

The piece is good in that when Carth turns away, she latches onto Canderous instead. She feel betrayed by a man who claimed to love her, but cannot accept a past she had not even known. It reminds me of Blue Moon by Laurell K Hamilton where Anita, the main character runs from a man she loves, who happens to be a werewolf, and ends up in the bed of another, who is a vampire.

Fanfiction.net

Man In The Box
Rian Sage

KOTOR en route to Manaan: A unique use for the box collected at Korriban...

Remember to sight edit. The term is dire (Desperate), not dyer(Someone skilled in dying cloth).

The piece is cute when you consider what she intends with it. The ending is fun in it's own way; Revan deciding to save Malak from death by trading useless lives )The original being in it then Malak for Tanis Venn. A well rounded way to save the one you love.

KotOR Once a Jedi
LD Little Dragon

Pre KOTOR: Wait a minute, he is her father?

The piece is too short to get a feel for the author's style but what we do have is fun enough to want to continue!

Pick of the Week

Something Real

Aenzo

KOTOR, no specific period given: Bastila fails, but who really failed?

The piece is confusing; until the end we didn't even know who was the subject of the work. While the reader is floundering, you suddenly realize who is the subject.

Does the premise fit? Yes, does it make the situation understandable? No.

Who Now Is The Fool
Cthulhu117

TSL on Dantooine: There is more happening than meets the eye...

The piece is confusing; more Sith appearing, taking the place of two of the male characters with no warning.

At the End of All Things
VanillaLatte

TSL on Malachor V: Will the Exile let go?

The characters share their own views of what Ludo Kreesh taught, and the ends changes as he does.

Tales From the Battlefront

Ssorian

Set in the Battlefront era: A few vignettes to chuckle over...

The three pieces go from sublime to ridiculous. The one man running through the last two sections, chased by Darth Vader, was just too much.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:17 PM   #1248
machievelli
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SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Complicity
MsFicWriter

5th chapter in an ongoing work: The plotters plan, and fail miserably

The piece continues to flow well. The evil triumphs again, setting the stage for her continued torment. Pfon from his actions here remains the sadistic little boy ripping the wings off of flies and we don't even have to see what happens to Tamara to know he will enjoy killing her. What will happen next?

Like me, you'll have to wait to find out...

Pick of the Week


Fanfiction.net

Excerpt From A Total Nobody's Life
Mithostwen

TSL on Telos: A murderer tries for redemption

The piece is intriguing because I can almost see him doing it. Of course admitting at a yell that you were an assassin for the Sith is not, as Bruce Dern said in Down Periscope, a promotional bell ringer.

KOTOR The Sith Civil War
Exiled Forever

Post KOTOR: The Jedi in the crew now has to face the Sith in combat yet again

Remember to use the proper term. You mop up enemy resistance, not your own surviving fleet. In that case you reform and reconstitute.

Technical note: I don't think the life debt is explored fully, because if is anything like similar oaths here on Earth it cannot be fulfilled without a life long commitment.

Having each of the remaining characters looking at the same situation from their unique views is a technique I use, and this author uses it well. However Jolee's struck an odd chord. As if he is to be the next to fall.

The Return
Noneko

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile return. But what will they find?

The piece flow well, the guards acting as you would anticipate, and the Jedi as bored as any tourist on an excursion.


How Darth Malak Got His Metal Groove
PadawanMage

Pre KOTOR: He lost his jaw how?

The piece was a dueling circle challenge about how Malak lost his jaw entitled Malak and His Removable Chin, and was very amusing. Casting HK in his very first appearance as a mad dentist was funny.

Triple Zero Dside
ajremix

Set in the Republic Commando Universe: Scenes you didn't see in the book Triple Zero

The piece is a perfect counterpoint to the book mentioned because like a lot of wartime fiction, the book concentrates on the actual combat and barracks situations rather than social interaction. Even clones would need downtime, and seeing hardened troops fighting over food like a bunch of kids in one scene made my day.

Pick of the Week

Karma
Auros Sopherai

Post TSL: Another Malak and His Removable Chin entry,

Remember to sight edit. You used weary (tired) instead of wary (Careful). The reason the words lipped through the cracks was because it is in the dictionary of your word processing program.

The piece is a perfect byplay by the accused and the committee, even if it has no actual judicial authority. The pushing him to anger just for a sound byte reminds me of the McCarthy era red 'Witch Hunt' trials.

Revan still comes across as an evil monster, because it was his own version of the Sith teachings that gave Malak the idea that his later actions were acceptable. Under Military law, a superior officer is judged as liable for all atrocities committed by his men, and under those precedents, Revan has admitted to this responsibility, regardless of any acts he undertook to redress it.

I am reminded of the Athenia incident during WWII; the British accused the Germans of sinking the ship. Since the German orders regarding what ships were to be targeted during that war,, those rules communicated to the British before the U Boat war began, it would have been a violation of international law.

The Germans denied it. Yet a few weeks later the U Boat that had sunk it returned from patrol. Instead of admitting it they censured and cashiered the captain secretly, an event that was later used during the Nurnberg trials as an additional crime.

kotorfanmedia

Everyone Has Their Regrets
Ravenrand16

Post KOTOR: Revan deals with fatherhood, and Bastila's reaction to it.

The phrase 'this Jedi had no inept mission' didn't make sense. Maybe you meant implied, as in people assuming why from his presence.

I think the reason Revan reacted this way was because of Bastila's reaction when she told him. She reacted like a woman already planning to abort the child. The ending was good, in fact except for the one moment of self doubt, it was superb as all of your work has been to date.

Pick of the Week

Perfect
KyLewin

Post KOTOR: When he can't stay, Revan leaves her with a beautiful memory

I think you meant it as a negative in the sentence 'even knowing that it could (Not) last forever – regardless of what he promised.

The piece is excellent, Bastila remembering the past evening and every beautiful moment, only to have it shattered when he leaves. To quote the title, Perfect.

Pick of the Week.

Tales of a Mandalorian
Malpense the Dark

Mandalorian Wars on Occupied Taris: Canderous spends time in mourning Mando'a Style
Remember to sight edit. Waring slips past the spell checker because it is a company name, the correct word is warring, grabbed (Gripped) instead of gabbed (Ran off at the mouth)
The piece is excellent, making a mere meeting in a cantina part of a death ritual. Canderous reacts so well for a man in mourning; like the Spartans of our own pre-history it is a society that ignores the tears and longing of most societies, it's more that you must prove you still live, an affirmation of life rather than death. It is almost as if he were looking for a woman willing to complete it; someone willing to say by her actions, 'he may be dead, but as long as we, the one who remember his death and I the one who shows life goes on can still live and love, so does he'.
Pick of the Week
What Comes First
Noneko

Pre KOTOR: As the Master of the Korriban Academy is busy making sure Selene is eliminated, Yuthura has another assignment...

I think you meant replied (answered) instead of relied(depended). This is an editing problem, so it's not a big problem.

The style is what I expect when I see your name as author, and you have never let me down before. I agreed with the previous reviewers that the guilt she expresses is a bit much; as Plutospawn said, it's a short story, and a little bit of spice goes a long way. But beyond that, it's well written as always.

Pick of the Week

Tarnished Gold
RogueLadySabyne

Pre KOTOR reply to an Anti-Valentine's day Challenge: Jolee and Nayama fight when she falls to the dark side.

The piece was an excellent little look into the situation. In each case, only love stays their hand, regardless of the doctrinal schism they now have.

Pick of the Week

Reforged
Prisoner24601

Two years Post TSL: Revan faces her greatest challenge, how to return to a life she had given up because she expected to die

Technical Note: The idea of a dimensional gate is not new to science fiction, but is to Star Wars. Recently John Ringo in the first book of what is now called the Hedren series has such a gate as you describe being projected across space, but his device has a distance limit on it a lot shorter than what you describe.

When the Prisoner and Dinah Lance (Co-author) show up on the scene, it's like a professional cook showing up to serve you his idea of breakfast, and this work is no exception.

The acrimony between Min (Revan) and the man who is not only Manda'lor but also her estranged husband and father of her child is perfectly done. I could picture a stereotypical Mando'a couple going at it hammer and tongs like these two. In fact in my own Family of Choice I joked about it, that the fights between my main character and her husband had almost become a national spectator sport. But as I would expect with my characters, and these:

The make up sex must be amazing.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:41 AM   #1249
machievelli
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SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Exchange
MsFicWriter

Chapter six of an ongoing work: Our abused heroine must try to help her friend, but at what cost?

Like everything so far, this is quality work. In the Sith diatribe at Tamara I can picture the truth of what he says. Like an undercover cop, she would have to walk a very fine line, but you can tell from his response that the only way he would accept is crossing it over and over until distinctions of right and wrong vanish. When does her purpose become theirs?

My only real question is; was it her old master's voice she was hearing originally? Both he and the Sith master spoke mind to mind after all.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Casualties of War
Kian

Pre KOTOR above an unnamed planet: We look at full day for the Jedi Admiral

The piece is something rare, a slice of life showing the regular routine of our heroine. Well written and understated. Having her call Malak 'Squint' is a nice touch, and an explanation of where she had gotten the mask as well.

Long Day
Tatooine92

Three plus years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi returns to his home late

Like the piece before it, this is just a slice of life rather than an adventure. Carth doing his job, Lire (Revan) sitting at home, waiting for him. Simple domestic bliss.

Always By His Jacket
Onasilvslv

Pre KOTOR: How Carth ended up with that hideous Jacket

The piece is a slice of life like the ones above, this time linking to Carth's jacket. The piece is fun, with a lot of parent related fun.

Pick of the Week

Doomed
Plutospawn

KOTOR unique version: Revan as a thirteen year old?

It reminds me of the Buzz LightYear episode where the team has juvenile evil enemies. The last though by Bastila, that the galxy is doomed, was too choice.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic-Prelude
TheJadedHeart

16 months post KOTOR: As Revan searches the Unknown Regions, and Canderous waits patiently, Bastila tries to get on with her life.

Remember to sight edit; you used there instead of their, and braking instead of breaking. Also, in the sentence, 'It was us that assigned you to the mission.' it should be 'we that assigned.'. Also check punctuation; several times you made statements questions and vice versa.

The piece tended to ramble a bit, and the Darth he finally encounters comes across more as a petulant child.

The Veteran and the Novice
Anamya-209

Post TSL: Two men that fell for Jedi meet by chance

Remember to sight edit, because a spell checker will ignore words that are properly spelled, but misplaced. You used surly(Irritated) instead of surely(to be guaranteed)

For some reason I thought it was Atton, especially when you figure most good poker players will pretend they don't know the game, and I am sure Pazaak players are the same.

A clean little slice of life and love.

Pick of the Week


Fanfiction.net

Malak The Untold Story
Phoenixascending

Pre KOTOR: Lord Voldemort, a pink shaving razor and women's underwear?

The piece goes from point to point so quickly that you are surprised. Adding Lord Voldemort was bit confusing, and the underwear never adequately explained...

Swimming Among the Stars
Silverwings16

No Specific Era given: A pair of adventurers accept an assignment

The piece is fun, with two people who aren't tightly wrapped accepting an oddball assignment. The characters are great, the situation a lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Pushed to the Edge of Subtle Irony
Cable Fraga

Pre KOTOR: Revan prepares herself for death, but death is not what happens

The piece had an interesting aspect in that the Council sends what amounts to a hit team to capture Revan. The piece ends on an interesting note, Revan expecting Malak's attack, even welcoming it. Only Bastila stops her from dying, and this begins our adventure.

Tales of KOTOR: Perdition's Path
Dante-Raven

Pre KOTOR: When Revan falls, she is unwilling to go alone

We see here a truly twisted take on Revan; slaughtering those who fought along side her, and crippling Malak, but making him think the Jedi had done it to him. A good look into a disturbed mind.

Pick of the Week

Her Sacrifice
Kuramas Girl Angel

TSL ongoing: The Exile tries to deal with her emotions

Remember to sight edit, you used walk instead of walked. You also left words out some times 'read mind' at one point, making me wonder if Atton wanted to read (her) mind or to read mind(s).

On the technical level your writing is adequate, and the characters clearly defined. If you need more information on the force go to the Lucasforums overall site, and follow Knights of the Old Republic-Coruscant entertainment center-resource center- thoughts on the Force where I give a generic explanation of how Midi-chlorians are connected to the Force and how the Force operates.

Seven chapter. Only read the first two, but it was looking good.

Bittersweet Victory
Alexandra 3

Originally reviewed over at Kotorfanmedia in July 2007, that review is below:

The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price.

The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them.

One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words.

Reprise Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-20-2012, 04:52 AM   #1250
machievelli
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The Great Purge
Christos200

100 plus years post TSL: The Jedi step out of character...

The basics are a problem, because as Msficwriter (Who I assume posted the Yes you're right vote in the thread that was deleted) pointed out, you have made the Jedi as bad as the Sith.

Regardless of your argument, remember; the Jedi council did not interfere when Revan led his contingent out to fight. They did not send hit teams to kill him and Malak, and they did not simply assassinate the Exile when She (My own Exile) returned then refused to simply knuckle under. Yet you have them ordering mass murder 'to make sure there is not a third Sith war'. You're Jedi council is using the same rationale a Sith council (If it is not an oxymoron) would use.

Didn't joined neither should be 'joined neither' it should be hid, not hided. You also have your character just sitting around blindly waiting for the hit team to arrive, rather than doing the sensible thing which would be to run like hell when you know they might be coming after you.

I was not going to get into this, but I feel I must.

Technical notes:

1)There is no visibly recognizable taint to verify who can and cannot use the Force until you reach the Sith Lord level. Emperor Palpatine was able to work for what amounted to decades within the Senate without detection, and even after killing four Jedi did not show the stereotypical gray skin and red eyes until after his attempt to defeat Master Windu caused him to expend a lot of energy in one shot.

2)Define Force User. You have to remember that while the Jedi order is small, there would be those without enough capability to actually become knights. After all, you have the Conservation Corps. Look at my own Return from Exile
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...=168405&page=5 specifically posting 165 where I do a basic dissertation regarding how many nascent Jedi slip through the cracks.

So where do you draw the line? At the 2800 odd count I listed as the high point for 'not good enough', or the 4500+ I say is a Jedi? Those below that level would still be Force users, though on the level of maybe doing a trick or two. They would also end up on your hit parade.

3)So picture this as the scenario using Earth as the planet: in secret session the Supreme Court of the United States determines one small group is a danger that must be destroyed, so they order the CIA to carry out the executions.

Now why did I choose this example? Because like the Supreme Court, the Jedi are part of the judicial branch, and have no political or military authority. When we see them, (Except for when they go as ambassadors to the Trade Federation and when they were generals during the war) they are an over-glorified RCMP. Every other time you see them they are acting as policemen. I use the CIA as the actual instrument of the purge because while everyone pictures them as a monolithic organization, the CIA does not have hundreds and thousands of hit men on the payroll; they use what are called 'assets' or 'kites', men hired in whatever country to do the dirty work. That includes the US when it comes to being hired.

Also, picture this; on this planet a third of the nations are our allies or friends. Of the rest, another third put up with us because we don't interfere with their actions, and the remainder hate our guts. Do you think Iran or North Korea will welcome your hit teams with open arms? What about Korriban or the Sith Homeworlds?

Yet the Galaxy is divided along about that amount in the SW galaxy. What right would we (The US) have to send hunter-killer teams into say Argentina, which is not an ally, not an enemy, yet does not have an extradition treaty with us? In SW the same could be said of any corporate owned planet or Hutt owned one.

4)Finally, the only Force Users the Jedi could verify to begin your purge would be those that had been identified by the order itself before the purge order is issued, meaning ones they had identified as force users, then turned away because of age or temperament from their own records of the last 90 odd years. In other words your are ordering the deaths of those the order did not consider worthy of training whether they were informed of this or not.

STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH (Second edition)
Christos200

100 years post TSL: Events unfold

Characterization is almost nonexistent. There is little or no description. The one possibly good scene you have, when Helena has to give up Christos comes across as wooden, with almost no emotion. Even in the script form you're using, there are ways to show emotion beyond exclamation points.

While you have dialogue for Harr, I am willing to bet that if you read the script of the movies themselves, they would only have dialogue like 'Chewie growls' or in the medbay scene from TESB, 'Chewie gives a series of grunst that sounds like someone laughing'.

If you need, I can give you some pointers in these, since they are technical problems rather than being bad writing.

'I have gone with my friends on a bar' should be 'to' a bar.

You need to work on pacing The battle scenes need more than 'they attack, hero does this, and they die'. You have Christos fall a bit too quickly (Before you comment, that scene was one of three that I failed to believe in ROTS, that he would fall then a scene later have him slaughtering children, and having the Emperor arrive in time to save Anakin from becoming more of a crispy critter).

Plus you're 'we care about the people' from a Sith lord, doesn't quite work.

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Experiment
Msficwriter

Part 7 of an ongoing TOR story: The heroine discovers what the enemy plans for her.

Having been keeping track and enjoying this work, I knew about the enhancement suggested, and when Pfon begins the procedure, I am struck by how he is a mixture of Doctor Mengele and the men from the Manhattan Project.

It is a little known historical fact (Unless you read my KOTOR Excerpts) that before the first atomic bomb was set off, some of the scientists had suggested the theoretical possibility that a nuclear blast could ignite the atmosphere not only there, but world wide. Yet they set it off anyway on 16 July 1945.

Pfon comes across like that. He is indifferent to what will happen beyond seeing what his experiment will do, and whether it kills the heroine or makes her so powerful that she will destroy the Sith is incidental to that equation.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Shines
Neonai

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: The newly born Lord of Hunger bites off more than he can chew.

Even though I was running late, I felt I had to read the entire thing, and I am glad I did. The only negatives I could see was when Vander fell into 'yoda-speak' which the character never did in the game and using prostate instead of prosthesis. After all, the prostate is in another part of the male human body...

Here we have Nihilus literally fed to repletion and more, so he collapses like someone who tried to stuff himself at a buffet, with food being rammed down his throat, overloading him. In my own Return from Exile over at lucasforums I instead made the Exile have a power similar to Nihilus, so that the attempt to feed is rebuffed, then draining him almost to death while taking all he had gained from his crew (Who were all dying from the slow drain) and returning it to them before Visas is allowed to end his misery.

And how Malak lost his jaw in the bargain!

Pick of the Week

The Adventures of Theta 583 the Sarcastic Clone
GaisciochDeEirinn

SW Battlefront parody: What would the characters say on the screen if they could?

You slipped and forgot conversation breaks at one point. Just remember to sight edit.

The piece is satirical and outrageous. The clone complaining every time he gets an order, the pair of additional clones who start with 'we're twins' as if every clone is not a genetic match. Shooting the wrong target because as he points out logically, a spider has eight legs, not four. The really sappy ending. What's not to like?

It reminds me of Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, crossed with a commercial run almost 20 years ago where the character in one of the racing games gets upset with the grandma trying to play it, ending it with, 'and will you turn the turn signal off!'

Pick of the Week

Things That Never Change
Phantom6612

Post KOTOR: A dream causes a flashback when Revan awakes.

The piece is short, but fun to read. I just wonder if the commander from her dream had also shown a bare backside to our heroine?

Not Too Amused
DiskoBox

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Dealing with her emotions for Carth, Revan finally breaks through

The piece sort of drifts along, her irritation with Mission at the thoughts she is having amusing the girl immensely. Her burgeoning emotions run head on into the wall of the Jedi beliefs and wins.

Force Connection
GreenGrass1914

TSL on Dantooine: At the last moment, Vrook sees the truth.

The piece is excellent because you look into the hearts of the last three masters facing their old student. As in my own Return from Exile, there is no black hole inside the Exile, rather there is a white hole where the force is created to energize those around her.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Lost
Johnny-Sasaki

Post KOTOR: What would he do if...

The piece comes at you as a surprise. What if Bastila had not been part of the mission, and Revan had gone dark again? What would he do when he kills her?


kotorfanmedia

Questions of the Mind and Soul
Triple E

KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan now contemplates the path he is on

The piece is almost all deep introspection. In fact the point where it becomes anything else it breaks the concentration as one reviewer warns. However the break works,and flow resumed with only a brief blip.

When He Dreams
Chemist

KOTOR on Taris: Is it the dream he fears?

The piece makes you wonder if what he 'wakes' up to is the dream he never remembers. Killing Mission is the worst thing Zaalbar can contemplate, and killing her accidentally would make it even worse. A psychologist would call it fear of failure, and as large and strong as he is, it would be a constant worry.

Paradox: One
Chemist

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The beginning of the Saga

The piece has an interesting take on the first few minutes of the game. Viza (Revan) comes across as a clueless fearful child until she is actually fighting, when she becomes a master of death, yet still with the fearful child face.

The Letter
Tatooine92

Post KOTOR on Telos: Carth has to ask one person if his plans are acceptable, and does so with a letter on a grave

Some people believe you aren't really dead as long a someone remembers you. To Carth, his wife is still there, still vital, and when he decides to ask Revan to marry him, of course he needs her permission. The way he asks, writing a letter and setting it on the grave is touching and poignant.

Pick of the Week

Unexpected
TimeMasterX

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: An unexpected plot Gizka...

The piece was fun to read, and at one point (When Carth is trying to help the story along by pointing out the space suits) became down right hilarious when instead Tyler (Revan) snags the mines in the room and combines them to blow down a door.

The timing of Carth's betrayal was excellent, since it is the first time he really has a chance to affect the outcome.

Pick of the Week

Malak's Chance
DragoonQueen

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan has problems she must deal with first

Remember to sight edit. You used craw instead of crawl, and trill instead of thrill, betrayal instead of betray.

The piece is a look inside Revan's head as she faces Malak for the last time. She is adamant that she must win, but at the same time she regrets facing him. The end is anticlimactic; she wins the present battle but may lose the war.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:12 PM   #1251
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SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Pact
Msficwriter

TOR chapter 8 in an ongoing series: Five days after her transformation, our Heroine finds an ally, and a purpose

The ongoing work is outstanding, and the thoughts now reach deeper into her soul.

As the Trandoshan says, every warrior knows that death is on the field when they fight.

As much as I enjoyed the games, there have been things that appalled me in them. First the treatment of the Mandalorians who go from honorable warriors to mere thugs. There is only one Mandalorian in the first game you feel any sympathy for, and even then Canderous still comes across as an old warhorse that can't get away from battle.

If you have read my own KOTOR excerpts, I see them as the quintessential warriors, the ones who see battle as the great leveler, where even the best can still die, and as they said in 300, seeks a beautiful death. If I were the only one who saw them so, I'd know I was the aberrant one, but to my mind the best of the EU are the books of Karen Traviss, who makes them real people who see no other purpose to life.

A true warrior feels contempt for those that shield themselves with innocents, and scorn for those of their own who treat the defeated with anything but acceptance. Having a sword in your hand and striking down an unarmed opponent is not battle, it is hubris.

The other is that the Jedi Council in the games are not acting as Jedi in my mind. I am a child of the last generation before our own X generation, who see only what they can grab from our society, not the effort and blood that has been spilled to make our lives possible. So are the authors of that game. I have had people spit on me and call me names because I felt I owed my country a service during Vietnam. I didn't go and fight; I felt the war was stupidly fought, and more for political gain than real values. So I served in the Coast Guard, and spent my time protecting those who needed help. Yet scorn was heaped on me as well.

Yet if you were raised with the slogan, 'My country, may she always be right; but my country right or wrong' how can you spit on those that took that to heart, and died living up to it? They made a choice as much as those that spat on us did. One to accept it, one to denigrate it.

In my own Return from Exile, I expanded the original confrontation between the Exile and the Jedi Council to point out that as much as the Council did not want them to go to war, the Jedi who did lived up to the ideals of 20,000 odd years of self sacrifice in service to the Republic. That they paid 'that last full measure' defending what they had been taught was right, regardless of what the present Council thought. In return the one who did come back to take her medicine was ridiculed as those of my era were. The explanation of why the Council didn't want them to go to war in the second game came too little, too late.

In my pep talk to the troops on Dantooine I made a comment reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men when she said 'Except to those that survive, this battle will be a footnote in history. We will fight and die, and a hundred years from now some fool will make it a punch line for a bad political joke'.

So here, our heroine sees what I meant when I wrote the proceeding paragraphs. That there comes a time when you need to put away the plowshare and pick up the sword, because your enemy leaves you no other real option.

Pick of the Week and tied yet again for Best of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Dark Day
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Korriban: An accident leaves one of the crew badly wounded

The piece is well wrought, the tension clear, and the accident perfectly done. The reaction of the wounded man is also perfect.

Pick of the Week

Age of Darkness Part One
Gyrogia

Mandalorian War era: A commander has to report after a battle

The piece is as confusing as a real battle would be, the aftermath as stark. The interplay between Roland and Malak is perfect because as Roland said, while those men were dying, Malak wasn't there. Worth a read.

Sky Blue Memories
Ghostie

Pre KOTOR: The Genesis of the ship that would one day be the Ebon Hawk

It's landing gear, not land gear

The piece has an interesting subject reminiscent of the Novel Millennium Falcon, but unlike that later ship the Sky Blue as she was originally named was a once off from a small private yard.

It makes me wish I had time to read the rest

Two, Prologue
RainPool

KOTOR on Taris, with memories of the past: Two young girls wait for the Jedi as in their future one wakes up as our heroine

A mixture of both new work and well established scenes, looking back into their past is done sometimes, but rarely well, like this is. Even with only the basic descriptions, I can visualize the girls (The village was not so well visualized; after all there are only so many ways to build a home) and the mother's worry about rain comes across as if just that word means serious danger.I even have an inkling of who that second inner voice is, and wish I could follow the work to the end just to find out.

Emotions: One: Nostalgia:
Shadow Rise

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk after Taris: Revan speaks of her past, and what she yearns for.

Technical note: A bunker is a partially buried armored structure. Aboard a ship, where this is placed, of course, you cannot have a bunker, so when I got far enough to realize that, I labeled a 'bunk room' instead. That makes the window a port, unless it is round, in which case it's a porthole.

A slice of memory that gives you a deeper insight into the main character. Joining the military to gain stability actually makes sense, since between wars it gives the 'three hots and a cot' that are what you need to survive, but at the same time, the realization that war is a messy business. The author draws 'Eve's' world like a minimalist, and you can picture her parents as shadows of her past that she wishes were still there.

Pick of the Week

The Lack Thereof
Shadow Rise

KOTOR on Taris: When you lack the money...

The piece didn't sneak up on me, I had anticipated what would happen every step of the way. Normally that is not good, I usually hate when authors give me a flat generic scene.

But Shadow Rise gave me those scenes, and let them come alive. Having Mission run all her words together as if saying it fast will be like ripping the band-aid off; less painful, balanced with Carth first being upset that he had been left out, when he realizes the situation that maybe he should have just stayed out of it, and the scene in the back room to round it out.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Two Exiles A Story
Mister Frodo

Post TSL after Malachor V: The parting of the Exile and Brianna

The piece flows very well, the emotions constrained but there. Their parting has to happen, but part of you wishes that wasn't the case.

Only You
DoseOfReality

KOTOR on Dantooine: The team discovers the first Star Map

Basically a generic retelling of the scene with a few additions to perk it up.

Technical note: As much as the game designers loved stealth and defensive force screens on the personal level there is no sign of them in the movies except for the ones used by the droidikas. This detracts from the enjoyment for a reader who had not played them, and for those readers that know what I have just said.

As I said, generic. The piece has some fun scenes, Carth enjoying the interplay between Bastila and Revan

I Will Not Forget
Sandra Evans

Originally reviewed 8 March 2007 over at kotorfanmedia, that review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile receive the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week

We Change for Those We Love
Sandra Evans

Originally reviewed 8 March 2007 over at kotorfanmedia, that review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget.

Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Capture the Flag
Lizard King 13

Set in the Battlefronts era: Talk about a sore loser...

Remember to sight edit. Some incorrect word usage, it's pale (lose color) not pail (vessel to carry water)

A game of capture the flag, with casualties yet. The comment by the captain about why Vader isn't smiling struck me as odd. Under that visor, who could tell?

The end of the game was so choice. 'We lose so blow everyone to hell, and let's get out of here' was pure Vader. A lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Kotor 3: Following Revans Path
Darth Yakhana

It is en route, not any route when discussing where you are going. 'problems it occured' should be either 'as they occurred' or 'problems it detected'. The phrase 'improving the computer to heal faster' suggests it is the computer that is healing, even if it is in the medbay. It should probably be 'improving the diagnostic computer to help him'.

Technical note: The Ebon Hawk is too small a ship to have a bridge. It would have a cockpit instead. A window on a ship is a port or porthole.

The piece is a 'relaxation afterward' work, but doesn't fit the last line. Everyone is still too busy working.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-02-2012, 11:31 PM   #1252
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SW-TOR: Thoughts of a Padawan....(short)
JAvatar80

TOR: Dealing with 'children' as war looms

The piece reminds me of my own youth. My brothers loathed me because a lot of times I ended up being the 'babysitter', and I was, I will admit, a hard taskmaster; though not as hard as they might have thought. I spent five years showing up for the occasional holiday proving to them that I was still bigger, meaner, and faster than them, and my youngest, my late brother Duane never accepted that right up to his death. The last time I saw him alive (He was then 19) the first thing he did was throw a punch at me, which ended up with him flipped, on his back, and his arm in a painful bind.

Not the best memory; I spoke to him years later while he was in a Navy Psych ward, and the first words I spoke were what they say you never say to someone in those conditions; 'are you out of your effing mind?' Sadly his mind had fled, a casualty of the Gulf War, and when next I saw him, it was in his coffin. He was finally at peace, but like the damn fool thinking he can win just from sheer chutzpah in this story, I mourn his loss.

SW: TOR: TRIALS OF A SITH THRALL: HONOR-BORN
Msficwriter

Chapter 9 in the epic: The end?

I have been hanging by a thread since the 1st chapter of it's predecessor, and I have only one thing to say:

Pick of this week, and unless someone else ties, Best of the Week!

Fanfiction.net

Finally
Lelilah

KOTOR No specific Planet given: Revan finally makes a decision about Carth

The piece is a generic work first work, but it is the author's first attempt, so it isn't that bad. The biggest problem is that the author center spaced it all, which gives it an uneven feel. This I have noticed, might be a problem with the IE 9 browser, since it is doing it on every posting for this site.

Mos Eisley Civil War
Lizard King 13

Based on the Battlefront II Hunt mode: An unlikely pair of enemies fight over Mos Eisley

The piece is confusing, the battle ill defined. The fight itself makes no sense, with the command structure very confusing.

Letters from the Selonian Conflict
DWH

Three Years Pre-Mandalorian Wars: All is not Well in the Corellian system

While there is a war going on, you would never tell it from the chatty (And a couple not so chatty) letters from four friends

Savior Self
CortessaBlatt

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: The beginning

The piece relied too heavily on the game to move the action along, though the first scene was choice.

A Second Chance
PadawanMage

KOTOR in orbit of Taris: When they discover Revan is still alive, two men see things in a different light...

The piece goes behind the scenes when Calo Nord delivers the message. The take on their reactions was interesting at least for Karath. Malak of course feels on shaky ground, and must kill her, this time personally to stabilize his hold.

Karath, however, see it as a chance to fix the one problem the Sith have at the moment, namely removing Malak.

Speed Of The Blade
RobinTheKnight

Post TSL: A Jedi begins a search...

The piece is too short to get a good read on it. The scene with the security officer reads false because after all this is Nar Shaddaa, and the one thing you do not see there is police of any stripe. Second, considering how many criminal deals are being made in a given day a cop would be too busy to question someone who is to all intents and purposes, just sitting there.


kotorfanmedia

Dar'Manda
Panzer

Pre TSL: A young Mando'a decides to earn back his heritage

Some word usage problems, though when you meant tough, that kind of thing. But for someone who wasn't raised On English, this is very good.

Your description of your young warrior's first battle reminded me a bit of a scene of my own in my return from Exile where I had Davrel (the young warrior the game kills off) panicked during the attack on the Dxun compound. One of those I wish I could read all three chapters.

Welcome to the forum.

Just Business
Panzer

TSL on Dantooine: Two businessmen have a disagreement

The piece is a mere slice of life, but it was a lot of fun. The one partner trying to stiff the other is standard stock in trade, and his reaction to that betrayal again was stock. But the Jedi breaking up the fight by throwing both men to opposite sides of the room, and the bartender's reply was good.

Behind Enemy Lines
DarthBubbles

Mandalorian War era:

The piece was confusing even before the two pilots crashed. A battle in space covers a vast distance, and would hardly be unnoticed until you were in the furball. In real life some officer or pilot would be telling the smugglers to get their expletive deleted tin can out of the way, and that would go for both Republic and Mandalorian crewmen. After all, whoever shot him down would have to explain why the equivalent of a passenger plane was more important than the enemy fighters you're facing.

While Visquis was a big wheel in the Exchange in TSL, this is taking place a minimum of ten years earlier. Having Carth know his name would be like the average grunt in 1988 knowing who Osama Bin Ladon was then, merely one of the 30,000 'foreign volunteers' that assisted the Afghanis, not the head man of Al Quaida he was in 1995.

The capture was unrealistic. Sure the lookout could have fallen asleep, but to have them just wake up in the cages doesn't work. Also, the controls for such a unit would not be close enough to shut down from the inside because if you're not watching them, you know the prisoners will attempt to escape.

Yet the interplay between Carth and Carter was good. The new character was believable, and using him to play off Carth worked well. Carter's discussion with the Mandalorian was also good, because in real life, the interrogators again, do not have time to waste on someone who does not have necessary information.

Technical note: Both the Aurek and E Wing are modern era fighters of the EU. This reads to me like 'Baron Manfred Von Richthofen saluted his ground crew, climbing into his MiG 29, ready to fly against Captain Eddie Rickenbacker, who he knew would be flying an F-15 Eagle'.

You have your fighters firing missiles at a range of ten meters, which would put your plane inside the range safety limit. This is designed into every missile, torpedo etc since the 60s to avoid accidentally shooting yourself down when the missile explodes at that range. The weapon would launch, but would only impact the target rather than exploding.

Beyond Light Or Darkness
Satiar

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Revan offers one last chance of redemption.

The piece as others have said, is powerful. Revan goes into this, her final battle, not only willing to die, but wanting to. Yet she cannot merely give him the victory, and in the end, when he has defeated her, Malak lets her go and dies.

Pick of the Week, tie for Best of the Week

Dralshy'a
Shadow Rise

KOTOR Two days after the Leviathan: Canderous offers his arms for the newly revealed Revan to hold onto

Like everything Shadow Rise has written, this cuts to the quick, and makes you pay attention as the story unfolds. You can see Canderous literally offering himself as a sacrifice to keep her mind and body together. The characters are clearly defined, the situation (For someone who know the military) perfectly set. Canderous is not the love interest; he merely assumes he can ground Revan. A pity, since Revan/Canderous link ups are so rare.

Pick of The Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-10-2012, 10:44 AM   #1253
machievelli
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Star Wars: Revolution
Christos200

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns

The prologue covered too much. The attack on the Sith lord would have been a story to itself.

The establishing scene was good, but again, you don't need to establish the main characters every time, and the one you do need to establish, Jack, is too quickly done.

The dialogue, especially Jack's to the bartender was unnecessary. You didn't need to have him say they were his quarry.

From there everything is too rushed. Having him say 'Tatooine plan' was cute because it gives Har a reason to get upset for the argument between him and his human partner.

It doesn't make sense that the Exile is still alive and not already a target for the Sith, also why wasn't he eliminated in the purge?

Do something for me, try to do the next one prose style rather than script style. You'll see what I mean if you do.

SWTOR: Tears of the Force
Ziost

During TOR: A young Knight is sent on a mission

It's a Republic Capital ship. As often as writers use it, having opposing sides actually communicating during a battle is rare. Before, yes. Near the end, sometimes, but when you've already started shooting, no.

'A thin metal stretched its way down from Kale’s ear, stopping just before his chin and a few strands of the cybernetic'. Cybernetic what?

Where did you get this format?
Planet Name: Veloth
Function: Natural Resources (a major crystal cave which holds a special amethyst gem which Vex uses in his reconstructed lightsaber)(1)
Planet Type: Terrestrial(2)
Terrain: Multiple Different types (like Earth)(3)
Gravity: Standard
Atmosphere: Type I (Breathable)(4)
Length of Day: 32 Standard Hours
Length of Year: 456 local days
Hydrosphere: Moderate(5)
Temperature: Temperate(6)
Population: 2 million (native humanoids)

1: There are more than crystals to natural resources. Every metal is a resource. Every building material from crushed rock, to the ingredients for cement to wood is a resource.

2: Saying it's terrestrial links it to our own world as does #3. Since Earth is not part of this galaxy, using it to measure by is like using Minas Tirith to describe New York.

3: Terrain would be varied regardless of the planet. Making an entire planet desert (As they did with Tatooine) yet making it inhabitable really doesn't work. You need something to create and maintain the oxygen cycle. On earth it is the synergistic reaction of plants creating and purifying the oxygen, and animals to create the CO2 that feeds the plants.

4: Does this mean there are barely inhabitable planets as well? Or merely that some require special equipment?

5: What percentage of water to land mass? Earth is not moderate, not with 75% water.

6: No planet is temperate from pole to pole. On earth we go from tropical to temperate to sub arctic to arctic, and have people living in all of them.

Technical note: The Chiss were not contacted until the Imperial Era meaning just before the Battle Of Yavin. So they are shown here just about 3700 years too early.

It is unlikely that a race would have only one sex that could interbreed with other races. It is more likely that there is a social ban on the females interbreeding.

The piece is getting interesting, keep it up.

A Debt Unpaid: Prolouge to Echo of the Force
Ferc Kast

KOTOR prologue: A new adventure

The piece is way too short to get a good grip on where the story is going. Also I have yet to see any Rodian that was not green, you actually repeat that the Rodian is green.

I see it's from a game module, which is interesting. If you need help with the dialogue or with editing such dialogue, let me know.

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: That Which is Sought
Msficwriter

Chapter ten and end of this saga: But there will be more...

The piece lived up to my expectations, kid. The problem I see, is that she will probably end up fighting all of the Jedi masters to get to her target, also something ala 24...

Pick of the Week, of course! Also scores best not only for the piece, but the body of work to date.

kotorfanmedia

We All Have a Breaking Point
Satiar

30 Years Post KOTOR: The tired old woman Revan has become goes on one final adventure alone

Like the piece last week, this one reveals a side of Revan few are willing to show. The Dark, or more accurately semi-dark character has been worn down, and while she's knows it to be true, she hates that it has happened.

Like any person who as they age sees the Reaper not as an enemy but as an old friend who will eventually come calling to bring welcome relief, I understand what she is thinking. Perhaps, in her life, one last adventure can recal that youth.

Pick of the Week

Hidden In Shadows-Chapter one, Endar Spire
Lady Of The Night

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A new take on the heroine


Some chopped off thoughts; 'This was the Republic – every(one) died for each other

The piece shows an interesting take on the character, a totally self centered character thinking only of her survival.

When the Drums Fall Silent. Part 1: An Assassin's Creed
Bisted

three months post TSL: As two teams of Republic special Ops carry out their assignments, a deeper plot unfolds.

The flow is choppy because you tend to run sentences on rather than complete them. Remember that a sentence doesn't have to tell the reader everything; it's one specific thought. As only one example:

“It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed, which me and Zaalbar are testing.” This should be two sentences; “It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed,(.) Me and Zaalbar are testing (it).” Also remember the rule, 'never use two words when one word will do, and never use a long word when a short one will do'.

The basics are good, and the action, while disjointed is good.

For the Republic Interlude 1: innate
Verna Jast

KOTOR before Endar Spire: As the title says, a look into one of the characters

The piece goes deeper into the past of Trask Ulgo, and is well done as all of Verna's work

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Goodbye
Distrustfully

Two to three years post KOTOR: Carth won't follow her, no matter how much it hurts

The piece is poignant with Carth's loss. As much as he wants to follow, he has his instructions to protect the Republic she wishes to return to.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: The Hunt
SoulGuard

Pre KOTOR: The apprentice trained by both Malak and Revan is sent to capture terentatek

Remember to sight edit; you used the wrong word a few times which is why you had clocked figures and doors opened with a his.

Basically the Grand Hunt by the Jedi in reverse; sending someone to find them rather than merely killing them.

Regret
PerchingKite13

Pre TSL: A ship arrives in port, with a crewman with a past...

Remember to sight edit, it is whined not wined, and you slice something into pieces, not splice them. Don't worry too much about it, I do it all the time myself.

Technical note; Please Visit Lucasforums>KOTOR>Coruscant Entertainment Centre> Resource Centre> and read Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! A ship does not have rooms for example, it has compartments.

Most people would be dead after two entire bottles of assorted whiskey alone, and using both alcohol and sleep aids is pretty much a guaranteed suicide.

Also synthehol is a Star Trek item, not a Star Wars one.

The piece was interesting due to the interaction of the crew. The main character from our point of view is slowly killing herself with a combination of drugs and alcohol, and looking into her mind, you can understand why.

Lies
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3004935/1/Leave_her_behind
Leave her behind
Dufferooni

KOTOR On Kashyyk after Leviathan: After abandoning Trix(Revan) on Kashyyk, Carth has to now asked her back aboard

The piece starts with a unique premise so far; What if Carth's anger was so deep he literally abandons her somewhere? Compared to some, where Carth kills her, or she kills herself, it was a unique and fun twist, though the ending needs work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-10-2012, 11:54 AM   #1254
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Quote:
It doesn't make sense that the Exile is still alive and not already a target for the Sith, also why wasn't he eliminated in the purge?
That was going to be explained in part 15. But lets just say that the empire doesn't know yet that he is a jedi, and they think that the only jedi left is Xin, although he doesn't have a lightsaber ( he gave it to Jack) and mostly he uses the medallion of storm.

EDIT: Also went the purge begun, he was still on exile.

Quote:
The prologue covered too much. The attack on the Sith lord would have been a story to itself.
actually i just copied the duel scene from Dark Galaxy.

Quote:
From there everything is too rushed. Having him say 'Tatooine plan' was cute because it gives Har a reason to get upset for the argument between him and his human partner.
Harr is very angry, because he remembered what happened in Tatooine. Those who read the Great Purge, will recognize the plan. About the rushed, well i wanted to make this be a more adventure story. But i agree: Going from Besbin to blowing up a sith base with an ancient medallion was a little rushed, but as i said, i wanted this to be based more on action.


Quote:
Do something for me, try to do the next one prose style rather than script style. You'll see what I mean if you do.
What is prose style?

I hope that you will continue reading my story.

Last edited by christos200; 03-10-2012 at 12:36 PM.
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Old 03-10-2012, 07:57 PM   #1255
machievelli
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prose style is like the stuff I write, or most books you might read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-11-2012, 04:17 AM   #1256
christos200
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I don't really like that style.
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Old 03-11-2012, 09:59 AM   #1257
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Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
I don't really like that style.
I understand, it is a bit harder than scripting. But it would improve your characterization and descriptions.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-11-2012, 03:56 PM   #1258
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A Debt Unpaid: Prolouge to Echo of the Force
Ferc Kast

KOTOR prologue: A new adventure

The piece is way too short to get a good grip on where the story is going. Also I have yet to see any Rodian that was not green, you actually repeat that the Rodian is green.

I see it's from a game module, which is interesting. If you need help with the dialogue or with editing such dialogue, let me know.
I wouldn't have distinguished the green Rodian, but Wookieepedia states Rodian skin is "most commonly green, with variations in pigment including purple and blue." Hence, I distinguished by saying the Rodian was green. (Which I only mentioned once, or at least only once with my revision on it the other day.) Also the main character is not from a game module, but a game modification. I was just trying to set the stage for the rest of the fanfic by posting the intro of the fanfic.

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Old 03-16-2012, 11:53 PM   #1259
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Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: Malachor's Revange
Kriea001

90 years post KOTOR II: A Sith master sets up his apprentice

Remember conversation breaks during the comments about what the council had decided you completely forgot them.

Remember to sight edit; you used remember you instead of remind you.

I would suggest Using extra spaces between the paragraphs. I actually reread one section three times before I realized it was because I am used to theo extra spaces. Don't feel to bad about it, Some of my original work got dinged for that very reason way back in the day.

The piece goes pretty well, and there is enough mystery to keep us going. Welcome back.

Thoughts and feelings over the course of time
Revan Sama

Remember to sight edit. In the Exile's section you used corps (a body of men) instead of corpses, then everything was(Should be would) now vanish, To a bit(t)er justice and again later in the Mala portion with 'By the biter lessons called betrayal'. Biter is a term for someone who bites, while bitter (The word you meant) is a taste, feeling or mood.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Second Exchange
Msficwriter

Ongoing series set in TOR: The heroine and her associate are sent on a mission.

The author strikes again, and the build up to her mission was choice. If you've seen Schindler's list, there is a shower scene where the terrorized women are jammed into a shower where they... shower. Which I think she might have seen.

Pick Of The Week

STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH (Third edition)
Christos200

One century after the end of TSL: Reprise of Return of the Sith.

The pilot room as you call it is the cockpit.

You do not need to have the characters declaim their mission aloud. After all, it is a bar, and someone might hear you. Remember to sight edit. It's to a bar, not on a bar. And you typed 'ta Sith starfighter fires th' which made me work to figure it out. You character spie (Sees) a temple, not vies (competes).

There have been changes, and I applaud them. However it still needs work. It doesn't flow well as yet.

Fanfiction.net

The Shadow War
R Omega

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor: The final battle is the last memory the Exile has before awakening.

The piece was interesting, the battle well portrayed. The men deciding to stand and die for the success of the mission so well done.

Star Wars The Mandalorian Wars
Kolya

Eight Years Pre KOTOR: The war begins

The first chapter was basically a reprise of what we know about Dxun, Onderon, and the Mandalorians themselves. But the fun begins in Chapter two. Already 14 chapters long, I wish I had time to read it all.

Shadows and Light The Great Hunt
Darth Brain

The Years after the War of Exar Kun: Three knights begin their hunt

The piece really isn't long enough to get a feel for the story; more of a prologue than anything else.

Die and Stay Dead
Mithostwen

KOTOR after Calo Nord's report: Malak broods over the new situation

If you have seen it, this piece reminds me a bit of Hang 'em High where the members of the lynch mob realizes the man they attempted to kill is not only alive but is now actively hunting them. Malak, as with a lot of usurpers, does not find the crown resting comfortably, and just wishes the other person would, in the parlance of the title, just stay dead.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

The "Last Night"
Satiar

KOTOR after the Star Forge, follow on to Beyond Light and Darkness: With most of her companions dead thanks to Republic assassins, Revan intends to give her enemy a bloodbath in return

The piece fits so well with it's predecessor; her desire for revenge for the Republic attack masterful. Her and Canderous following the attitude of 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' is perfect.

Pick of the Week

Strength
Chemist

Post TSL: Jedi from both teams now rebuild, but Visas worries about Juhani

Jaina Solo has already made the comments about what needs correcting, but I was struck by the fact that this is a story about the two non-human female Jedi in the group. Visas is intrigued by the delicate balance of Juhani's emotions, and Juhani is intrigued by someone who can not see her, only taste her mind. Very well done.

Two, Break
Rainpool

KOTOR no specific period given: Revan's twin can still look in

Jaina Solo again arrived before I did, but I was looking at the idea of Revan having a twin who can communicate with her mentally. This would cause some unique moments in the game, as the inner voice might be that sister rather than herself

Somewhere Between
Napoleon

Post KOTOR: Revan plans for his own escape

A first work, and it shows. That is not a negative; every author's first work in a genre, especially an existing universe is evident. It is good journeyman like work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:45 AM   #1260
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The author strikes again, and the build up to her mission was choice. If you've seen Schindler's list, there is a shower scene where the terrorized women are jammed into a shower where they... shower. Which I think she might have seen.


That's actually exactly what I was thinking when they were thrown in the shower.


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Old 03-23-2012, 10:31 AM   #1261
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SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Unconquerable
Msficwriter

Ongoing series set in TOR: En route to Coruscant, our heroine broods

The piece flow smoothly from the last installment to this one. Mostly brooding as I said, but like Hamlet, a brooding silence that explains so much.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Hustle, Loyalty, Respect
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR On Taris: The heroes become wrestlers?

The piece is light and funny. My favorite scene was when 'John' (Revan) and Carth are mobbed by the female wrestlers, then the girls fight it out to see who gets to date Carth.

Avatar
Satiar

Mandalorian war era: Malak watches over his psychologically damaged friend.

An interesting aside from the usual story lines used. Having Revan be brutalized over months of captivity, and her inability to function is carefully ignored by her officers in a touching manner. Having her under observation to assure she doesn't kill herself makes it clear how damaged she is.

Gritty and hard hitting is how one reviewer described it, and I agree.

Pick of the Week

Merciless Rain
Dove-tailed Raven

Pre KOTOR on Taris: Canderous remembers the last woman he loved.

The piece was a neat aside, an in depth look into his mind, and the woman who captured his heart. It's a pity, really; Iseni, who went by the name Ice at the end, was a perfect match.

Cost of Family
DragonQueen

KOTOR on the Endar Spire: Our heroine stumbles through her escape

You used stubbled rather than stumbled a couple of times. The character being a bumbler rather than a stark warrior was an interesting twist.

Bump in the Night
Triple E

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Carth tries to deal with Mission's practical jokes, and fails miserably...

The piece sneaks up on you. You can picture Mission pulling the prank, but the aftermath puts it all to shame! A riot of problems for poor Carth who even at the end, doesn't win.

Pick of the Week.

A Damsel and her Hero
Satiar

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The team makes the final assault

The piece is like watching the charge of the Light Brigade as one by one they all die. The end is sad and poignant as the Spirit of Carth gets her back to the ship.

Pick of the Week


Fanfiction.net

Nothing
Dawn Foxcraft

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Only as Carth dies does she understand

The piece is dark and brooding. From her final fight with Malak to holding Carth's dead body, she is seeing the world through glasses so dark that there is no joy to be had. A deeply disturbing read.

Pick of the Week

To Terminate Or Not To Terminate
Ragged Tiger

KOTOR no specific period given: HK47's version of Hamlet's soliloquy

The piece was funny; HK dreaming that maybe his master will make a mistake in negotiations only so HK can wreak destruction on yet another meatbag.

Pick of the Week

Atris' Confessions
Darth Phex

TSL on Telos: It's bad enough to find out she is the Exile's mother!

The author had fun with this, having the sound effects man commenting on what he's using, the Handmaidens throwing flower, and the revelations of her family simply made it more fun.

Pick of the Week

Vindicated
Athena Solaris

Post TSL: The rebuilding of the Jedi order through Atton's eyes

The piece flows very well, Atton's acerbic commentary about his fellow Padawan fits so well with what you see of the game.

Bastila Finally Understands her Heart
Attalus

Post KOTOR On the Unknown planet: Bastila finally admits her feelings.

The piece has a nice flow to it, the admission of love almost tentatively offered. Well worth the read.

Brianna's Reward
Attalus

TSL on Malachor V: With the quest ended, our hero can settle down with the one he loves.

A basically generic Hollywood love ending. I never got to see this scene in my game; for some reason it merely ended rather than going through the ending scenes. But a properly written one would have this scene, and the comment about the 'botched' ending suggests it was not.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:30 PM   #1262
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STAR WARS: THE ADVENTURES OF CHRISTOS AND NICK
Christos200

Ten years post TSL: Two men of prophesy work to save the galaxy.

The desert is called 'the' Sahara. Second, to help your readers, use quotation marks (“”) not <>. Also, remember conversation breaks to also make it easier on the reader. It's hard to keep track of who happens to be talking when you forget them.

It is 'didn't you think, not 'Didn't you thought'; and 'They draw their weapons, not 'They pull out their weapons'. Just out of curiosity why is a modern mercenary using arrows of any type? Except for times when silence is most important, (And you have an archer trained with A Mongolian recurve composite bow, which has the best range) a rifle has a better range than a bow. Also, the bowmen that made that bow famous never attempted to fire them from camel back. They used horses.

Technical note: Remember 'Long ago in a Galaxy far, far away'. Since it was long ago, it can't be happening in present time. Remember my comment PM that the fight scenes are like Hogan's alley? How are the enemy close enough to be killed, and their camels appropriated in the same sentence? Then you throw the smoke grenade (A good move) but then use 'and let the camels to leave' instead of 'frighten' the camels into fleeing.

As often as they throw them in the game, people are more circumspect with grenades of all types in real life. While you see a huge plume of smoke, and limited destruction in a movie or the game, Mr. Grenade is not your friend within 30 meters of where you are standing.

Watch the old Movie Sands of Iwo Jima. In one scene, a man practicing with a frag grenade accidentally drops it behind the dugout. John Wayne tackles a man busy reading a letter from home, and the grenade goes off. The reason I mention the scene is because the director used a live grenade (With plexiglas shielding in front of the camera)and filmed it going off. No massive plume of smoke, just a small burst and a stack of rifles near the stuntmen is slammed aside by shrapnel.

Smoke grenades have been known to set small fires, and the same is true of tear gas grenades; The destruction of the Branch/Davidian compound at Waco was caused by tear gas grenades.

Very important Technical note: In Stargate they showed a teleportation device as you have described (With intergalactic range) but look at the hoops the movie (As much as I hate the technical problems I noticed; such as constellations have changed here in the last ten thousand years, not to mention on the other end as well) they made them go through to find the combination necessary for the transit. Every star in the heavens is moving compared to it's original position after theier formation and they are not all moving away from our present Galactic position. So a constellation we know did not exist ten millennia ago. 'Accidentally' activating' it is like flipping a coin and having it land on edge rather than a face.

I stopped there because there are too many 'impossible' things for the normal acceptable 'one impossibility' to cover.

If we ignore everything I said above, it is an interesting story so far.

Star Wars: A New Hope
Christos200

ANH AU:

It is 'in' her cell where you wrote 'princess Leia is on her cell'. I am not sure what George Lucas defined as a 'legion of stormtroopers' but the Roman version is over 3600 men, too large to drop in anything but a full up combat situation. After all in the Movies, Anakin commanded the 501st Regiment (About 1500 men). A platoon (less than 50 men) makes sense in this case, not almost 4,000.

Technical note: Piet was not made an Admiral until TESB, so he should still be Captain. Also ANH preceded TESB, but you have the battle over Tatooine after Hoth. Also, 22 years after ROTS you have a full fledged Jedi still running around unnoticed. Your reference to Vader being his master makes some sense, but a rebel Sith would be easier to hunt down then a Jedi who is trying to hide.

Last, a single trained Jedi hiding on Hoth would be like trying to hide on a pool table; Yoda was able to hide on Dagobah because there was so much life, he was disguised. Ben was able to hide on Tatooine because Anakin would never have returned there willingly.

Here I have noticed that some of my advice is taking effect.

Fanfiction.net

Choices No One Should Make
Amme Moto

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile reunite

It's standing (in) her way. Don't just trust your spell checker, remember to sight edit. Most grammar mistakes are do to words that will pass it(Like pour) when you mean pore. Remember to polish as you reread. 'refusing for me to look at him' would be smoother as 'refusing to let me look at him', and 'and HK's rambling's(Doesn't need apostrophe) stop' should be stopped.

It was fun when Bao Dur took him out above.

While the game allows you to transit between your location and the ship, it throws you off in a fiction piece.

Bomb Technician
Rogue Leader

Post EU book Triple Zero: The shirt says it all

The piece is very short but the author shoved a lot into it merely from inference. I recently saw a newer version of the shirt logo mentioned, but it read:

EOD BOMB DISPOSAL: IF YOU BOTHERED TO READ THIS AND AREN'T RUNNING TOO, I HOPE YOU DO BETTER IN THE NEXT LIFE.

Pick of the Week

Dark Chronicles
FREAKSHOW1

TSL on Onderon: The Dark Exile collects two more weapons

The piece is very short and dark. Pretty much a Dark Side Exile cleaning up loose ends.

Star Wars KOTOR II Catharsis
Dante-Raven

Approximately a year after TSL: Things are still not corrected.

Sowed, not sewed.

Only read the prologue, but the dark Jedi is excellently portrayed.

Knights of the Old Republic The Mandalorian Wars
Trigun61

Mandalorian War Era: A Jedi Team escapes the initial capture of Taris

remember conversation breaks. It makes the reading less confusing. Also sight edit and use your spell checker; you used fele instead of feel.

The characters are not well fleshed out. Only the main ones comes alive. The enemy, even the surviving one from their encounter is a cardboard cut out. The scene of witnessed mass executions is a little too early to be acceptable.

The Fate of Carth Onasi
Fuzzy Freaker

Three months Post KOTOR: Revan returns to the Rakata homeworld to finish it with Carth

Technical: You misnamed Carth's home planet (Telos, not Taris) and as Han said in ANH It would take thousands of ships to destroy a planet. Though even one can destroy the inhabitants with patience or overwhelming firepower, so Taris would not have been reduced to floating debris.

The piece was confusing in a few ways. First why did the survivors of the fleet hunker down in a location they knew had already been taken once by the natives they fought? If you know your position is indefensible, you don't use it again without working on the defenses you have, and to take it, most of the technical ones would have been destroyed. Second why is the leader the only one out scouting? Last, why was he scouting alone for over a week?

kotorfanmedia

Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps
Back in Blaque

30 years post KOTOR: With Revan dead and the galaxy in a shambles, some few try to survive

The piece is well wrought, the characters vibrant. The idea that the pair of younger woman are Bastila Shan's daughter and granddaughter respectively made me curious as to who the 'Old Coot' might be. One of those works I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

First Impressions
Rina Delwynn

KOTOR On an unnamed ship: Sith hopefuls train against Malak

The piece has darkness interwoven with the hope of redemption.

Choices and Consequences (Part One): Days to Forget
Satiar

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Dealing with the Wookie

Satiar gives us a humorous and dangerous Revan using a grenade which she claims will devastate a two kilometer swatch of forest, then using that to speak to Chuundar.

Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies
Car7hLuvR

One Year post KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: For the first time in a long time, Revan has someone to talk to

The piece is an interesting slice of Revan's quest in the Outer Rim, and well explains how the KK50 series came to be, and where Dustil was at least then. Being together as part of another side mission gives Revan someone she can talk to for the first time in a long time.

Pick of the Week

Change of Plan
Paradox

During the Mandalorian Wars: The secret mastermind behind the wars is given an update.

Remember conversation breaks. It was kind of difficult to keep track of who was talking.

The piece was good in the same way the machinations of Palpatine, always the consummate politician turns out to be the Sith Lord in their midst. It was totally unexpected.

Pick of the Week

Relics Prologue and Part 1
Catiel_Winree

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Told as a story to a grandchild years later, the old woman spins the first webs of the tale we know so well

As another reviewer commented, 'Kitty' sounds very juvenile compared to her partner, and that reviewer's suggestion as to how to repair it was well thought.

This isn't the first story of paired heroes at the start, but it was an interesting version. Considering the size of the escape pods seen in the game and in the animated series, it should have been possible to fit in one more person easily, but that is just a technical observation.

Pick of the Week


Late again. As I mentioned, I had three stories clamoring to be written. I was able to put one off by telling myself I want to read the latest Honor Harrington book because my story is happening in the same months where that one is, and I need some of the data. The second I put aside (Unwillingly on both sides) because I had the one that would put cash in my pockets in a few months. So I completed it and sent it off. Now I'm back to the Devil and her daughter.

So running late and a bit embarassed, here we go...

Over at Fanfiction.net Rogue Leader leads off with Bomb Technician a very funny piece.

Then we have the picks from kotorfanmedia with Car7hLuvR leading with Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies then Paradox with Change of Plan

And our tied Picks of the week: Back in Blaque's Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps and Catiel_Winree's Relics Prologue and Part 1

Well, done for the week, back to the devil...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-07-2012, 12:27 AM   #1263
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Squadron Legacy, Chapter 9
Sithspecter

Mandalorian War era: Chapter 9 of an ongoing work,

The chase scene was good, but remember this is between two different groups that usually do not have a common language. Picture for a moment a British pilot evading German troops during WWII, or an American pilot fleeing the Viet Cong. It would help to use the Mando'a language for this scene.

Technical note: Your Mandalorian scout was acting like a rookie and rookies are never sent out alone scouting. Primarily because the burning fighter would have ignited under brush, or if on wet soil near a lake should have steam rising from it, easily visible. There are few surfaces where there would not be some debris that would burn.

Welcome back.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: The Plan
MsFicwriter

Set in TOR on Coruscant: Our hero gets her instructions, but they suggest her target may have returned to the Jedi fold

Technical Note: We can not be sure that cloning was possible 3700 years pre ANH, so mentioning it struck me as odd. Look at it using this meter:

'Ashirai, agent of Sumeria is sent outside the empire to meet an agent. He arrives in Thebes, where he meets his contact. They are bound for the Phoenician delegation where he must be examined by their doctors. “But don't worry.” The agent tells him. “They won't x-ray you.”'

Second, a physical change might not be enough. Jedi sense on too many levels; the way a person moves is a clear indicator of skills to a discerning eye, and there are other indicators that would be just as clear. Consider Sherlock Holmes, who upon meeting Watson for the first time informed the man that he knew Watson had been stationed in Afghanistan, then went through physical indicators that were minor, but told him all of the facts.

The piece is going well, and the added twist that now suddenly the Jedi no longer trust their mole makes for an excellent plot twist.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

T'was the night of diembodiment
KnightoftheWord

KOTOR inside the Mind Prison: A poem based on KOTOR and T'was the Night Before Christmas...

As you all know, I rarely read poetry because I don't think myself an adequate judge of how good they might be. But I had done a knock off of T'was for another site, and decided that gave me at least a glimpse of how this one should work out, so I gave it a go, for once.

Except for one line, I quite liked it. That line was:

“We’ll stay here and talk, see how time flies,
Meanwhile, your body grows old and (it)dies.”

Everybody Stand Back
JediDWH

Mandalorian War Era aboard Karath's flagship: It helps to know your resources...

The piece is a one shot by the author's admission, but it shows someone other than a Jedi strutting their stuff, and I liked it. The techniques shown would work very well, and the explanation of what is done was simple enough that you can understand the methods used, even if you don't know how to use them. The comment about converting holodata into plain text was a stroke of brilliance, since it reduces the terabytes of data that have to be scanned down to mere gigabytes.

Pick of the Week

Love, Ass & Arbitration
Triple E

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk after Korriban: If it's not one thing...

Triple E has struck again, and this time I laughed out loud every other paragraph! The only thing I had problems with was a spacecraft using something as archaic as a standard washing machine, but having it short out the heating system forcing everyone into the cargo bay to maintain warmth was just the beginning.

I won't go into all of the problems, though having Carth see a piece of lingerie and be sure he had seen it worn (He had) but not remembered who until he sees her in the flesh was funny. My favorite line is where Mission is berating Canderous; "Here, read my lips!" The Twi'lek gestured, making exaggerated mouth movements. "You Can't Bypass the primary coil buffer through the auxiliary power cycler! It'll just overload and we'll have to start over, again!"

Pick of the Week

There Is No Harmony, There is Chaos
Koon

When They were children: And you think a Jedi child would be better behaved...

The piece is funny when you consider the ages. You see the younglings acting responsibly, yet think of any group of eight and nine year olds and the story works perfectly/

Precipice: Chapter 1
CarnivorousPineapple

9 years post KOTOR: Bastila traces Reven through spacecraft on her passage

The piece is intriguing because of the time and situation. Carth has remarried, Bastila now master Shan in search of Revan using both her bond and good intelligence work to find her. As a reviewer said, the plot thickens...

Enthralled
Panzer

The End of the Mandalorian War to KOTOR: A look into Uthar's past

The piece is interesting; as one reviewer said, it surprises you a bit that Uthar was once a Jedi serving under Revan.

Fanfiction.net

An Unlikely Hero
Plutospawn

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: An unlikely hero indeed

Plutospawn has created something I rarely see; a hero more worried about her butt than anything else.

Impressive for a Padawan
PerchingKite13

PreKOTOR Aboard Revan's flagship:

Remember to sight edit; it's close knit, not nit, which is a louse egg.

I read everything posted to date because the first chapter was merely a generic capture. The second chapter was actually better, with an explanation of what Revan's condition was before the new persona was implaneted.

Not Yet
Jiara Anatalis

Pre KOTOR on Kashyyk: Revan meets Jolee while searching for the Star Map

The piece was up to Jiara's usual high standards, but it ended in a manner that was unsatisfying, as if someone offered you Prime Rib and served hamburgers instead.

Legacy
Tara Saralonde

eighteen years Post TSL: The daughter of Revan and Bastila Shan meest someone who will be very important in the future...

One thing I hate as a critic is that when I hit the really good stuff, I don't have time to come back and read all of it. I felt that again today (Right before I finished this column) with this very story. But, luckily in one way, there were only two chapters, so I read it all.

One interchanged struck me as outrageously funny:

'He sighed longingly with a faraway look in his eyes. "Those were the days…"

Elan grinned. "That was last week, Brylan."

As a reader I loathe having it stop too soon. Unluckily, there were only two chapters. The piece is excellent but I am frustrated by it's brevity. I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

Tides Change
Aderyn

Five years Post TSL in the Unknown Regions: With her task done, Revan goes home to the one she loves.

A note primarily on societies: I cannot see the Mandalorians turning away force users, or expecting women to stay home and punch out kids. Societies where the martial spirit is prized usually do not treat their women so. Among the Spartans for example you chose your wife because of her spirit and strength. Women trained with weapons as men did, they just were not considered part of the army. They were the defenders of their homes. It was said the Spartan city had no wall, and if anyone were to attack them, they would have been facing the women. Think about it in regard to Kipling...

Among the Samurai, the women were considered Onnabushi: Literally women warriors, and trained not with the paired swords of the men; rather they trained with the Wakasashi (Short) sword and the Naginata. If a samurai woman felt she had to give her life through seppuku, she had her own ritual for it. While men disemboweled themselves before their second beheaded them, the women would use the short sword to slit their own throats before they were beheaded.

The Zulus went so far as to deploy entire units of women warriors.

As for force usage, I think it is only the fact that the Jedi teach non-violence that would be a problem for a warrior society. By the same token the Sith 'be in charge and destroy any who oppose you no matter how you do it' would not sit well with a warrior society. Victory yes, but grinding your enemy's face into the ground, no.

Actually I can picture a third middle of the road training for any Mandalorian force users; What some have called the gray path.

The piece didn't surprise me as much as the author might have thought. I had worked out who awaited her return before I saw it, but the homecoming was worth the wait.

Pick of the Week


] Carapace


Y St. Ace

KOTOR on Tatooine: As she works with the armor, she considers who last wore it...

The piece was interesting because I don't remember any Genoharadan armor, unless it was that worn by Davik Kang. But the idea that the armor traps the essence of those who wore it is chilling.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 04-13-2012 at 08:27 PM.
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Old 04-14-2012, 12:45 AM   #1264
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars : The Empire Strikes Back (AU)
Christos200

AU version continuing ANH AU: The attack on Yavin

Remember that I, when speaking about yourself, is always capitalized.

As I told you previously, you do not need to vocalize every comment by Chewie. It isn't something translated except when Han does so. You could merely say 'Chewie roars'.

Your version does not make sense; having Leia merely tell Luke instead of the full briefing cuts out too many pilots, and except for us as the viewer, no one knows Luke's full potential yet.

'My Lord, why you have left the Death Star and took away your entire fleet?'
should be; 'My Lord, why have you left the Death Star and took (Taken) your entire fleet away?'

The end, having Han use a Jedi mind trick makes no sense at all.

You tend to have every one of your main characters chop off not one hand, but both hands before they kill their enemy. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Patriot Games, as often as you have the cowboy hero shooting the gun out of his opponent's hand, only an idiot tries for such a small target. When shooting at someone, (Or using a sword to fight) you aim at center of mass. The only advantage you have with the same scene repeated over and over is that the one who has just lost their hands can say some final words. Not really important to making the scene realistic however. Remember that Gui Gon Jin got his last words, but they were not addressed to Darth Maul.

Technical notes; Considering the capability of the Death Star, a fleet would be redundant. The Death Star is a fleet all by itself, except for covering more than one sector of a target. As you yourself stated, the defenses of the Death Star are optimized for a large force, and it carries fighters primarily for the one threat it is not designed to face; other fighters. The other vessels would not help much in defense.

No matter how good a new student is, he would have trouble holding his own against a master. There is an old saw that the best swordsman doesn't fear the second best; he fears the novice that has never held a sword before; no one knows what that idiot might do. Against two, he would have no chance at all. Having Luke (Who has been using the force for less than a week) throwing force lightning is also absurd.

The piece makes little or no sense. It is AU because you say so, but the story does not hold together consistently. Try blocking out from start to finish with an outline. Look at my two most recent offering, and notice that I leave nothing uncovered. I may write flow of consciousness, but the stories are consistent with no threads to pull on.

Keep trying.

Star Wars: Mercenaries
Christos200

AU on Bespin: Luke's journey continues.

Luke is not qualified to be called a Jedi. It's like he's gone through a week of boot camp (Usually eight weeks) and is now claiming to be a trained soldier. Also 'Jedi' is as much an ideal as title. I lambasted the movie A Knight's Tale, where a stable hand pretends to be a knight primarily because it was about as believable. You don't become a knight by saying you are, and the same is true of a Jedi.

'I've been said that you are a mercenary' Should be 'I've been told that you are a mercenary'. I know English is a second language for you; have you asked anyone to Beta for you?' If you did minor mistakes as above would stop.

As I told you before, when using quotes stop using < and > the correct characters are ' and “. And where it was used with steal, suggests you're using a word that is not specified, such as a mobster saying 'whack' or 'bump' instead of kill. So you aren't 'appropriating' a ship, you are actually stealing it. As for using it when he chooses his nickname you again do not need them.

As I also said before, you are not going to be announcing 'we're pirates' in a bar, no matter how disreputable. Remember that piracy is a crime usually punishable by death, so you are not going to announce something that is punishable by death even amongst criminals. It didn't make sense when Lucas used it in Star Wars, and it doesn't make sense here. Crooks can have a number of their sins written off by turning you in. When it comes to criminals ratting out someone else, it's the number 3 cause of capture. Remember in Star Wars someone reported Luke and the droids, and that same person would have reported your guy with the Death Mark on twelve systems at the same time.

Fanfiction.net

Losing Sleep
Y St Ace

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton wonders if he's lost his edge

The piece is generic, but the question raised remains. How is it that the Twin sun are 'killed' in the cantina, but alive when you fight your way off GOTO's ship? Knowing this before I wrote the scene I merely had my Atton beat them unconscious rather than cut their throats when he had them down. However in an RPG, you don't have such an option

Silence
Y St Ace

TSL on Onderon: The first meeting with Kavar since the Exile does not go well

The piece is completely dark, and the end merely drives it home. This Exile isn't coming back to the light.

Broken
Y St Ace

Post KOTOR aboard Star Forge: He came that close...

The piece is a dark side alternate ending that gives you a feeling that it could have ended better. Carth is tormented by the pain of others as Revan systematically shreds everything away from him. Her reasoning is simple, he is the one thing that could have caused her return to power to fail, and she will not forgive him that.

Pick of the Week

A War of Jedi
Gilligani

No era given: Two Padawan go through training and into their first assignments

You don't seem to know much about ships. Over at Lucasforums I wrote a piece on ship nomenclature, please read it. One example, ground is where you have soil under you, not on a ship. That would be the deck.

The piece is basically a generic 'first mission goes bad story. The characters are lackluster, needing fleshing out.

Remembering
Daemonette19

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Revan and Carth speak after their battles on the planet

The piece is interesting and well wrought, but a bit confusing. Why spend a romantic evening with one man, but sleep peacefully with another?

Weakening Walls
Daemonette19

Enroute to the Second Star Map: Revan's dreams are coming apace, and Bastila needs a back up plan

The piece is an excellent piece of work, primarily because the memory doesn't really link to the present, which makes it that much more jarring. The bleeding from the nose and eyes seems more linked to the movie Scanners.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

What is Love?
Tunuviel

KOTOR and pre KOTOR: A hard question to answer

Split into vignettes through her life, Revan wonders what love is. As someone who is to avoid entanglements, then sees them as more of a hindrance when she becomes Sith, she finally finds that love like anything linked to passion, must be tempered.

Incantation: Movement One
Ghando

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Amango (Revan) has memory issues, and ends up discussing them with Trask and Carth

The piece is almost all dialog, and a bit confusing. We see Carth in full distrust mode because this woman who doesn't even know who Bastila is the link to his own conspiracy theory.

Upon the Revanchist - Part I
Kenny

Pre KOTOR: In the midst of battle, Revan feels Bastila's approach

The piece is a softly paced number, like watching a cat's tail as she prepares to spring. You know Revan is ready for the confrontation, and his words with Malak lets you know that he already expects treachery.

Bells For Her
Mister Buch

KOTOR on Manaan: Jolee watches the fall of a Jedi, and grieves

The piece is very moving, Jolee merely an observer of what he know will occur. While I didn't like the characterization that someone who uses a saber-staff as a coward bothered me. Both my Revan and Exile used the saber staff, and Atton's comment about them was balanced by my own Exile's comment:

“I know that a lot of guardians got into the saber staff right before the war ended. More slaughter for the slash, or something.” Answered by:

“Those who carry a saber staff have to learn a lot of fine motor control the others do not. It isn’t like a single, where you can whip it through a series of cuts in your sleep, or like a pair where both arms move independently, but power strokes are done with both blades simultaneously. Both arms have to move in a precise and clear rhythm and just breathing the wrong way when you’re learning can hurt. Believe me, I know. You learn to use your entire body fighting with a saber staff. The all of seventy-five of us, about one half of a percent that used the saber staff during the Mandalorian wars were in the forefront because of the need for rapid punching of holes in the Mandalorian defenses. There, all you ever need to know about why someone chooses a weapon in one neat wrapped with a bow package.”

But the idea that Jolee can do nothing to stop it bothers me even more, though calling it 'turning' does make more sense.

Pick of the Week

Phantom of the Enclave
TehRyder

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A secretive man stalks the Enclave...

Really an interesting premise. The idea that someone can hide within the Enclave, noticed by only two people, and impinges on both their lives is an intriguing concept.

That Hurt, I Bet
Mister Buch

Memories, and on the Ebon Hawk Enroute to Korriban: Revan find trouble separating himself from the implanted memories.

The piece reminds me of an old Movie of the Week, Welcome Home, Johnny Bristol, because of the psychological depths to it. In that film, a returning Vietnam Era POW believes that his home town has somehow been destroyed and the facts concealed due to a major government cover up. If you have seen the movie, you know exactly what I mean. However, if you have not, let me know if you find a copy on DVD, since I haven't seen it since it was released in 1972. If you have and don't remember, does the name Charles Vermont ring any bells?

The plaintive question to Juhani, 'is Revan his first or last name' shows the only real angst; who was he before?

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-14-2012, 01:41 PM   #1265
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Quote:
The end, having Han use a Jedi mind trick makes no sense at all
Actually Luke uses a jedi mind trick, not Han.

Quote:
No matter how good a new student is, he would have trouble holding his own against a master. There is an old saw that the best swordsman doesn't fear the second best; he fears the novice that has never held a sword before; no one knows what that idiot might do. Against two, he would have no chance at all. Having Luke (Who has been using the force for less than a week) throwing force lightning is also absurd.
Luke is not an ordinary Jedi. He is thw son of Anakin. Also he was trained by both Ben and Starkiller.

Quote:
The piece makes little or no sense. It is AU because you say so, but the story does not hold together consistently.
I dont understand this. I had an outline: Training, Death Star, Space fight, Luke's duel with Vader.

Quote:
Luke is not qualified to be called a Jedi. It's like he's gone through a week of boot camp (Usually eight weeks) and is now claiming to be a trained soldier. Also 'Jedi' is as much an ideal as title. I lambasted the movie A Knight's Tale, where a stable hand pretends to be a knight primarily because it was about as believable. You don't become a knight by saying you are, and the same is true of a Jedi.
Luke was trained by Ben and Starkiller. Okay about Ben, but Starkiller is the Jedi. have you ever seen TFU 1 or 2?

Quote:
It didn't make sense when Lucas used it in Star Wars, and it doesn't make sense here.
If it made sense with Lucas, why i cant use it? Also, i needed a scene where the pirates idroduced themselves.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:36 PM   #1266
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Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
Actually Luke uses a jedi mind trick, not Han.
You said Han in the piece, Not Luke


Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
Luke is not an ordinary Jedi. He is thw son of Anakin. Also he was trained by both Ben and Starkiller.
Who his father is wlould be incidental. Just because a top gunfighter has a son does not automatically give the boy the same skills. Reflexes, hand eye coordination, certainly, but a fast draw, or using a sword is muscle memory, and that has to be trained over years, not weeks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
Luke was trained by Ben and Starkiller. Okay about Ben, but Starkiller is the Jedi. have you ever seen TFU 1 or 2?
I do not know what TFU is in reference to.



Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
If it made sense with Lucas, why i cant use it? Also, i needed a scene where the pirates idroduced themselves.
You misread my reply. I said it didn't work logically for Lucas. He did it, but it would have been stupid for someone to announce what the thug did in that loud a voice. You didn't have to have them say out loud 'Hey we're pirates! Join the crew!' You could have had the leader ask if Luke knows his name, but in an intentionally lowered voice. If Luke doesn't know he is a pirate, he can say it again in a soft tone.

In the kind of cantina pirates would hang out in, you have to worry about informewrs, because the police have an idea which bars those are as well. Not to mention listening devices, etc. If you get a chance, see a movie called I Love You to Death, where a pair of unprofessional 'professional killers' leave after bungling their assignment, and are caught within hours because they boasted about it in a bar.

Example:

The Dread Pirate Roberts: You have heard of me, haven't you?

Luke Skywalker, head cocked to the side, then shakes it no.

Roberts (Leaning forward and lowering his voice): My crew and I assure that money flows in all directions, from the rich to the poor, or from corporations to the little man.

Luke (As if light is dawning): Ah, you're a smuggler?

Roberts laughs: No, a pirate.

"Luke (almost shouting): A Pirate!

Roberts dives for the floor as blaster fire rips through where he was.Glares at Luke: Great, why not post a bloody billboard?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 04-14-2012 at 09:42 PM.
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Old 04-15-2012, 11:27 AM   #1267
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1) I said man, not Han.

2) TFU= The Force Unleashed. Please see a video in Youtube. From there i took Starkiller. In the game he can use the force to push an entire Star Destroyer.
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:14 PM   #1268
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Quote:
Originally Posted by christos200 View Post
1) I said man, not Han.

2) TFU= The Force Unleashed. Please see a video in Youtube. From there i took Starkiller. In the game he can use the force to push an entire Star Destroyer.
I have seen the original Force Unleashed promo, so I understand where that comes from. I have never played it because it came out for gaming machines, and I use a standard computer instead; also my laptop does not have tne memory or graphics to play it.

As for thinking you meant Han, you tend to do odd spellings and wording constantly, so I missed it.

Any other concerns? Oh BTW; before you use the few weeks spent in KOTOR as a 'training time'; Revan's muscle memory is obviously intact, and if you play it as a soldier or scoundrel, the character would assume their previous training made it easier. Scout, because of the specific skills necessary would be more of the 'sneak up from behind and cut the guy's throat' type.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-21-2012, 01:45 AM   #1269
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kotorfanmedia

Rebirth: Revan's Untold Past pt.I
Wick3dWitch27

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl joins the Jedi, and leaves her family behind

The piece was like a good beer, a heady brew filled with the child's fears and desire to join the Jedi, a bitter taste at the farewell, and a crisp clean finish as she deals with Vrook as only a child can.

Refreshing and enjoyable

Pick of the Week

The Instruction of Jolee Bindo
mase

Pre KOTOR: Jolee is given a mission, whether he wants it or notification

The piece is just a slice of life that sort of slices Jolee away from what heis doing, which is, like his time on Kashyyk, not much of anything. The idea that the Force will just decide to pick someone is a common thread in the genre, which at least moves the story along.

The Trial and Confession of Canderous Ordo
mase

Post TSL: Canderous has a fierce battle, then explains why he rescued Mira

The piece is tightly written, though the fight was truncated. His explanation as to why didn't fit my view of the Mandalorians, but since it is a standard view, I will say it was well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Odd Notions
DarthChao

PreKOTOR to Korriban: Yuthuura Ban has some interesting ideas given to her, and grows into them.

The piece has some interesting twists, especially in Sarin's arguments. It reminds me of myself explaining religious thinking to Christians. If you consider the Gods to be the equivalent of electricity, then refusing to accept any good in the other religions around you is like deciding that the only plug you will use is the one in the kitchen by the sink.

Her argument, that the Dark Side is merely the other side of a coin, and equally valid, makes perfect sense. You don't 'fall' to the Dark Side, you merely make a conscious decision to follow a different path, and it like any path made, is as valid as any other path others give you.

I especially liked the logic that strength does not need to equal brutality; something I push hard when people merely make the Mandalorians dumb brutes.

Pick of the Week

What it means to wait
saturdayinaugust

Post KOTOR: He said he wouldn't wait, but he lied...

The view of Carth saying goodbye for the final time is poignant. The feeling as he asks her forgiveness, and her off hand Han Solo like reply. The idea, when she departs to the Unknown regions, he'll wait for her return to give them back to her is perfect.

Pick of the Week

What's In A Name?
saturdayinaugust

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A look into the Temple, with three of our favorites...

The piece is funny, with Revan Malak and Tel, (the Exile) forming bonds of friendship. The one joke we do see (Shaving half of Vrook's eyebrows balances with Kavar coming across as a model type always looking for his reflection to make sure he looks good. The argument about Malak's name (Revan wants to continue to call him Squint, and forces a vote as rigged as any modern election) finally ends when he literally votes the graveyard to win.

Fanfiction.net

A Shade From The Past
Daemonette19

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Avery gets a chance to strut her stuff

The scene is one of the side quests I didn't like; Primarily because as I mentioned above regarding the Sith, that strength does not mean brutality is acceptable. While historically, both the Samurai and Spartans (The groups I compared the Mando'a to) had their sadists and brutes, both also had a tradition of service that didn't include gratuitous brutality

Atton's Motivation
SilverShadow667

One year post TSL: Sequel to Atton's Redemption, Atton meets a new assistant

The piece is an interesting view of Atton's dissolution due to the loss of his master. Where it goes I do not know, I didn't have time to read the 24 other chapters.

Guardians of the Ancient Order
Bone Eagle

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

Remember narrative mode. You start in third person, and in the fifth sentence switch to first.

Remember in a desegregated military, only specific honorifics are use, ma'am instead of sir, and in courtesy, such as saying ladies and gentlemen.

The piece is fun because the characters are changed as the old Dragnet TV show said, to protect the innocent.

Revan's Quest
Jedi Revan Onasi

Remember to sight edit. Counsel suggests and advisor instead of the Council, which is the controlling panel of the Jedi.

A twist used before but always interesting; that Revan had a sibling who is also Jedi trained.

Ace Onasi
Kolya

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Carth aids Bastila's escape

The piece would have been more interesting if the author hadn't tried to make Carth such a super hero. Having him fighting using his injured arm to fire a weapon, then as a bludgeon. Having Bastila do everything short of groping him for a kiss, and the constant refrain 'what a guy' sort ruined the piece for me. It was a bit too campy for my tastes

Taking Leave
CrazyOcelot

Post KOTOR: Revan says goodbye to Canderous by giving him a treasure

Like all the work of the author, this piece has it's own poignant charm. Making her gift the last time she sees him as Canderous thinks later, was so that their farewell is light hearted.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-28-2012, 08:31 PM   #1270
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Angel of Comfort
Fall Out Guirl

TSL on Dantooine: After the confrontation at the Temple, Atton has to put the Exile back together.

The piece is really too short to get a good feel for it. The scene is generic, and needs polishing.

Entwined
Ella Nutella

Post KOTOR: The woman Revan had become looks back on her past, and that of the person she has become.

Some cumbersome sentence structure, forgivable since the author is originally from Bulgaria. Nothing polishing and a beta reader can't cure.

The piece does what my own KOTOR work did, has the character looking not only at her own past, but the woman she has replaced as well. In my own, that woman is dead, but her memories, now the bulk of what Revan remembers, formed her as Revan's own memories form the Jedi turned Dark Lord before her redemption.

Recruitment
darkpadawan11

TSL on Dxun: Faced with a Dark Jedi, Davrel tries and fails to face his own memories

The piece is a perfect little piece of a minor character'spast, and fight to live up to his own ideals. The problem I had is simple.

I didn't have time to read all; four chapters!

Pick of the Week

Return
Fires of Mordor

Post Jedi Academy II: Two new students discover their new destinies.

I read two chapters of this one; I couldn't help it, there was only enough to tease in part one. But what I did read had me interested enough to wish I had a chance to read on. The master having light sabers from some of the heroes and villains of recent history was well done.

Pick of the Week

An Empire of Lesions
Illmanir

Post TSL: With the Dark Exile going on his own, his associates must hurry to escape Malachor V

A nice piece with all of the dark side characters working frantically to get away from the planet. Five chapters long, too much to read in the little time I have, but if this teases you into reading it, so much better.

Pick of the Week

Kicking Dashboards and a Homo
Vangrul

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Carth angst over the death of his wife causes other problems

The piece needs some serious sight editing. There are several places I had to go back and figure out what the sentence meant.

As for basic content, the piece was fun. As the author points out, the derogatory term is also the first part of 'thinking man' so why does it have to be an insult? And all he is really doing is telling Carth to 'be' a man.

As to the idea that he might swing the other way, as the author points out, it would have been better to be partying instead of whining about his loss all this time.

kotorfanmedia

Five Days of Summer
saturdayinaugust

KOTOR on Dantooine: Mission meets someone her own age

The piece is fun a brief time without action, with no danger. Just two young people acting as you'd expect. A lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Return of the Exile
BlameTarisianAle

Post TSL: Atto and the Exile reunited

Remember that a melee weapon is a type, which includes swords, clubs, and even bare hands, so you could have saved the trouble by calling it a sword or lightsaber.

The piece was mainly a slice of life moving through time at a slow pace.

Playing with Matches
Prisoner24601

KOTOR on Korriban: Prequel to Smoke And Mirrors by Dinah Lance, Carth and Min (Revan) discuss how their relationships are not going

The writing pair always turns out good work, and this is not exception. Carth's protection of Bastila balanced with Min's desire for a man twice her age clashes delightfully. Every work by them has memorable lines, including (In this one) the characterization of the Korriban academy as 'a prep school for acne-riddled Malak wannabes' springs to mind. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Star Killer, Starkiller, Part 1
FreeSourceFull

Pre KOTOR on Taris: Revan remembers the last time she was on the planet

The piece is funny; a Huttette (Female instead of male) as a wannabe Jedi (With a pink pistol no less) kidnapping her. Having the kid not speak her own language was a cute touch. Revan's discussion with the Minkey-Lizard:

'The Kowakian, who has been silent up till now jutts in. “Ne. Ki chuba da naga? Bana ne rima di hatta. Mindi ya bana Jeday” [No. Kids these days. Don’t know their own ass from their homeland. Thinks she’s a Jedi.]

“Bana tila a je kalia duga.” [Boy, that must be frustrating.]

“Ji uyari men yo nara.” [You have no idea.]'

Was like a layer of frosting in the cake.

Pick of the Week

Shattered Destiny - Chapter 1 : One Last Hunt
ElvisTheCat

Post TSL: A young Mandalorian warrior gets a chance to become a Jedi

The piece is excellently done, both from the technical view, but from characterization view as well. I always love a story where the Mando'a are represented not as thugs, but as honorable peoples.

Pick of the Week

Coda
Codename SAILORV

Post TSL: As the new Jedi rebuild after Malachor V, those who are left behind also find strength in it.

An excellent piece in an excellent week, the questioning goes from what Revan was really like to which aspect of the force is stronger. It ends on an excellent note. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-06-2012, 01:13 AM   #1271
machievelli
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A second week unable to access my posting page for Starwarsknights.com, so I am seriously frustrated. When I can post there, I will until then...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center we have MsFicwriter scoring with SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis

Over at kotorfanmedia we have PersephoneWatching scoring three times with Bitter, Burdens which scored best of the week along with HK46 SaturdayInAugust scored a pick for Calling in sick, while LightBulb scored for a ties with the works above for Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers

Well another week down, so back to real life. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Betrayal on Besbin
Christos200

AU During part of TESB: The crew of the Millennium Falcon heads to Bespin to rescue Luke

First, the planet is named Bespin, not Besbin. As I said in an earlier review, have someone beta read your work for errors caused by English being a second language; 'What do we wait?' should be 'Why the wait', or “What's the delay'. 'before some time' should be 'some time ago'

The part where Vader is going over what he intends for Luke should have ended after the first sentence at 'or his friends will die'. Everything after that is obvious and redundant.

Technical Note: A man with a light saber is not going to stand fast and take on a mass of men hand to hand, primarily because the troops would not attack that way until there is no alternative. Stormtroopers or not, they are going to hang back and simply blast him from a distance. Merely running, dodging and doubling back would keep them at more than arms length for hours.

Also, Bespin is described, and in the movie is seen as a small settlement. I would estimate that it would have held less than 5,000 people. Yet you dumped four legions, which is a lot more than that (If Legion means the old Roman unit, you're talking 14,400 men). You'd have them literally in each other's way, unable to deploy or move effectively.

Of all the Jedi attacked after general order 66 was issued, the only one stuck in a situation like you describe was Yoda, who survived.

Your writing style is hard slogging. Between scenes that make no sense and misuse of the language, you're taking a river that should flow easily, and creating white water for no reason.

Star Wars: Revolution(Second Edition)
Christos200

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns (Redux)

Having Jack speak, again, is redundant. In real life, the boy would have walked in, looked around, seen Xin, and merely walked over. Vocalizing that this is who he seeks is unnecessary. Also when the bartender gives the warning, all he had to shout was 'Troopers!' rather than his rather calm, 'It seems' line.

This is Star Wars, not a Martial Arts anime, so you don't have to shout out your attacks. Again you have someone using a lightsaber with no prior training (Blocking shots at him) yet with the skill you would anticipate from someone who has been trained. It would have been unbelievable in the Cantina scene on Tatooine in ANH If Luke did it, and it is unbelievable now.

Hiding behind a table from something like a plasma grenade is like using a paper shield in a sword fight. Having him dive out a window just before it goes off makes more sense.

Having Xin literally waste screen time giving the entire backstory doesn't make sense; it is unlikely that all of the Troopers were killed, and they would be in pursuit. All his long speech did was allow the troopers to attack them on the ground.

You do not 'do' a coup, you pull off one or instigate one. And the idea of breaking up the Republic army makes more sense that keeping a standing Federal army without having an obvious enemy to fight. The Republic is closer to the old US under the Articles of Confederation than to the modern US. Under those rules, the Federal government did not have an army, it depended on the member States calling up their militias to fight.

There would be thousands of, not thousand rakghouls. The city was destroyed (by) the sith. Your wording implies the Sith were destroyed at the same time.

Your method of giving directions would not make sense unless both of the people involved were in a town they knew well. In a real life combat situation, you would merely point and say, 'go on top of that building, and use that cannon to fire on the enemy outside that building so we can load up on fuel'. Also, since fuel is not just a token you can pick up in the game and carry with you, you would move the ship to the fuel, not the other way around.

If you are going to write it in script style, use all of it. You don't just put in Alderaan and go on with the scene, you would put in 'Cut to:' to show a scene change. Read that script I sent you for proper usage.

Having a man jump from one ship to another in space traveling at several hundred kilometers per hour? I won't even go there. It was hard enough to believe Luke jumped from one speeder bike to another.

'Lando: That can be arranged. Xin and Jack go at the base' should be separated; Lando's comment is dialogue, Xin and Jack's actions are background movement.

'You must use it wise' should be 'You must use it wisely'.

'even the armies of Revan, before one hundred years, were slain' Should be 'even the armies of Revan, a century ago, were slain'.

Technical note: Before TESB you do not see a starfighter with an internal hyper drive engine; even in AOTC they are still using hyper rings, and that is 3800 years in the future. You would have to dispatch a ship to carry the fighters to their destination.

As all of the people who work for the Emperor are Sith, you don't need to say they are in Sith uniform. Only mention it is the uniform is different, I.E. a mixed group of officers from different forces.

The holocron has to speak a language he understands for the character to feel anything but confusion. The medallion making him decide to carry it away is contrived. If it is the medallion in question, there should be a way to tell beyond the Exile's 'I think'.

You have HK acting like C3P0 from the original series. The two are not compatible, no matter how often you hear him called a protocol droid. I cannot picture HK passing the canapes instead of merely blowing everyone around him to hell, yet I can picture C3P0 doing it without a problem.

Killing all of the natives is not a logical option for Jedi. Remember Luke using the Force to convince the Ewoks not to fight them.

Differentiating between which target is yours is redundant; Picture the Millennium Falcon. There is an area of about 160 degrees where the upper cannon are unable to engage a target . In the EU, Han Solo called the 40 degree section above and below the center line the 'sweet spot' assigning more points (When he and Chewie had to man the turrets) to targets below or above the center line.

The scene where the enemy ship catches the Ebon Hawk with a tractor beam is almost a scene for scene rip off of ANH. In one of the Eu books, Luke Skywalker used a proton torpedo to blow the tractor beam up, and in another Han Solo uses a mock up of a larger CEC ship which the Falcon is hidden in to distract the tractor beam crew long enough to escape. Another time Han dumped a cargo of grain.

Without cloning, you can't have Helena still be alive without more explanation than has been given. i.e., the Darth stabbing her below the heart, and getting her to medical attention, though you would then have to explain how she had been brainwashed.

The piece like a lot of your works I have read, has too many problems to be accepted as written.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis
MsFicwriter

Star Wars TOR Part Four of an ongoing work: While still worried about detection, our heroes accept the procedure.

I have been awaiting this update, worried that my last review had stymied the author. It's good to see I was wrong, and the explanations of how this procedure would pass the test I mentioned was superbly done. Well worth the wait.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Bitter
PersephoneWatching

KOTOR on Korriban: The reunion between the Onasi family gets off to a bad start

The piece was short, which bothered me. I had been drawn in like a fish looking at the bait on the hook when suddenly the fisherman pulled it back up out of my reach. The idea of the one small memento that constantly reminds him of that hell was choice

I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

Burdens
PersephoneWatching

12 years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi has an unexpected visitor

The piece is short and poignant. I agree with Kiraboros that it can be fleshed out, but if it were a meal this would be the perfectly grilled steak.

Pick of the Week

Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers
LightBulb

approximately 18 years Post KOTOR: A ship crashes with an unexpected guest

Technical note: A scanning officer whether he is using radar or sonar would not imagine where a vessel is, he would estimate it. No biggie.

The piece was well done, the idea that Dustil would reach master status logical. The only unanswered question (Which I hope would be answered in later chapters) is who the girl is. Considering Bastila's enigmatic 'you're involved' to Carth, I would assume this is a daughter he never knew he had. This is one of those pieces that makes me wish I could read all of the follow on posts.

Pick of the Week

Surprise
Ravenrand16

2 years Post KOTOR: I didn't think it was that bad at first...

After the buildup, the piece rather let me down. Of course Carth was probably off on assignment when Morgana went through it, but Mission is a street kid, and I would have expected her to identify the cause.

HK46
PersephoneWatching

Pre KOTOR: So that's why it's HK 47!

The piece as others pointed out is reminiscent of the scene from Frankenstein when the monster is brought to life. His mental comment after removing, Malak's jaw, is pure choice.

Very fun.

Pick of the Week

Calling in sick
SaturdayInAugust

KOTOR on Tatooine: Always read the label when you take medicine...

The piece is a riot of fun. A cold sweeping through the ship, misusing the medicine for it, Gizka, and Mission's love of at least one of them. The end with everyone else catching the cold was perfect.

Pick of the Week,

Fanfiction.net

I Will Carry You
Fall Out Guirl

TSL on Malachor V: Atton finally admits his feelings

A surprising end, considering both their reactions in the game

A Time in the Sun
Candace McPenguin

Post KOTOR on Lehon: Bastila needs help healing her pain

The piece dragged a bit at the start, but it picked up when Mical entered the scene. Having Mical make a guest appearance as a Medic who is drawn to Bastila to aid her healing and how he helped her was fun.

For Loving You
Darth Franky

Post KOTOR: Bastila has to deal with Revan's departure

The piece was too short to get a good feel for the story, though her heartbreak came through very well.

No Time To Rest
Phantom6612

KOTOR over Rakata Prime: The Ebon Hawk fights for her life

The piece was short, and confusing. The lead up to the battle scene made little sense, and the delay in manning the weapons even less.

Epilogue to Redemption
Rian Sage

Post TSL: Answer to an interesting challenge

The Challenge was a romance, but it couldn't be with someone on the ship with the character during the game. The author got around it by having Revan and Atton fall in love, though the build up implies that it is only a cover for a mission. The explanation as to why the most common link ups, Carth and Revan, Atton and the Exile did not come about was merely tossed out rather than explored in detail.

Atton's worst nightmare
The Penguin Squad

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton has a seriously off day

The piece is light, and unfortunately was not as amusing as the author might have hoped. Still haven't figured out where dancing with squirrels had to do with it...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:03 PM   #1272
machievelli
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Yet another week unable to Access Fusion and StarwarsKnights. The weirdest thing is that I was finally able to get into SWK itself (Not the poster's interface) and it comes up as of November of last year instead of last month.

Go figure.

But I can keep trying to do my job, so without further ado...

Over at Coruscant Entertainment Center MsFicwriter score a pick and tie for best this week with SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: A Prime Candidate

Over at Fanfiction.net Mediator Zhang scored a pick for Bastila's Interviews but Peter J Gaffney tied for best with KOTOR; The making of

Then from kotorfanmedia Ghostie scored a pick for One Two Three The Rise of Calo Nord along with Greengrass1914 for Those Who Trespass Against Us while knightoftheoldrepublicis the last in the three way tie with The Silver Lining - Prologue - The Escape

Back to my writing...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars The Old Republic: Despair and Hope
Chevron 7 locke

SW TOR On Taris: A Sith feels an emotion that has nothing to do with evil

The piece is up to the author's standards, which are high. The only problems I had with it were technical, and in order...

Technical notes: An interceptor is a specific type of ship, and is usually what the genre calls a snub fighter. Of course that means you don't have room for more than two in such a ship.

Second, a space on a ship is called a compartment, not a room.

Good work, keep it up.

Varik's Tale: Prologue
LDR

SW set in the Old Republic game on Iziz: A trap is set

As it is a prologue, it is short, as expected. The beginning was a bit of a disappointment because the two now dead people were not even introduced or characterized, though of course they were dead so quickly it doesn't really matter, merely a quirk of my own

The dialogue worked to clear the air instead, and I am awaiting more.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: A Prime Candidate
MsFicwriter

Set in TOR on Coruscant: Part five of the ongoing epic, Another shock for our hero

I like it when an author throws in an unexpected plot twist, and this author scored big time with her revelation of who she is protecting. The story is flowing well and the only complaint I have is the same thing that allows her to recognize who he is should also work on her. But that's me nitpicking...

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Bastila's Interviews
Mediator Zhang

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: As the voyage progresses, Bastila interviews her compatriots for a news program.

The piece was short for obvious reasons, and while I knew the problem almost immediately, I still chuckled as Bastila suffered the same affliction. From what I did read, I know it is probably as funny all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Enclave
daemonette19

KOTOR on Tatooine: Such a small thing...

The piece starts out softly, with the party merely talking to the Sand People, then degenerates into a full blown melee because of a simple accident. This didn't surprise me; when you have two different cultures interacting, it is a given that you can do something badly wrong merely by accident. Robert Heinlein in a commentary he did on a possible first cotanct situation suggested something off the wall; having a one man band perform. Not because they would understand or appreciate, rather that it would be something so bizarre that the human side would get a look into the alien's mentality. Having attempted to loot the Sand People's lair without starting a fight first (Some advice, don't) I knew it would happen.

The odd things for me were two; first, Avery (Revan) seemed to have a flashback moment like a sufferer of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) when she refers to the Sand People as Mandalorians. Then going into a fugue not unlike berserkergang (The name for a berserker rage) but in healing.

The Sith Lords Cut Ending
Mithostwen

TSL on Malachor V: Kreia deals with the others before dealing with the Exile.

The piece is based on cut scene dialogue. After reading this work I'm going to have find it for myself.

KOTOR; The making of
Peter J Gaffney

PreKOTOR Parody: Viewing the game action from the inside...

Considering all of the characters as actors, the piece is a lot of fun. The ships being bought as props, Juhani as costume mistress because she likes to sleep on the piled up cloth...

Pick of the Week

A Hero's Return
Shadowani

Seven years Post KOTOR: Revan finally returns

The piece was a little flat, the return just Revan walking in and saying hi.

The adventures of Gurt Regald
Gurt Regald

Post TSL: The adventures of a Republic captain

The piece is too short to get a feel, but came across a little marisue.

kotorfanmedia

One Two Three The Rise of Calo Nord
Ghostie

Pre KOTOR: As the twig is bent...

The piece gives an excellent view of the life of someone downtrodden until he strikes back. The reasoning behind where the mysterious food comes from briefly is well explained, and his vengeance is superbly done.

Pick of the Week

In the Dark - Chapter One
Cameron Brooke

KOTOR on Taris: Another survivor of the Endar Spire is helped to escape

The piece covers one of the survivors handed off to the doctor. The intro gives you someone alone, and still trying to resist. Well worth reading.

Broken-Prologue
Lightbulb

Pre-KOTOR to the present: While Revan returns to complete her mission, six clones of the woman are being raised...

The concept is interesting, adding the Kamino to the mix and now having six extra Revans would be make life interesting in this world. Only one technical problem.

Technical note: You don't see hyper capable fighters until AOTC, and they used hyper rings. There is no mention in the games of such devices.

The only part I thought was a bit overdone was Hagan's automatic assumption that havoc would automatically follow the clones. While possible, it might just be a bunch of kids free of restrictions for the first time.

Sacrifice
Ajrand

KOTOR on Star Forge: The third option

First option, Light Side, Second, Dark Side, Third, a stalemate. The only problem I had with the piece was the Judea-Christian aspect, to succeed, we have to die.

The Silver Lining - Prologue - The Escape
knightoftheoldrepublic

KOTOR after the escape from Taris: The crew settles into being aboard the Ebon Hawk

The aftermath of the battle in the hanger was well done, and the escape, including the battle in the apartment building perfect.

The only problem I had was with Carth not being a pilot, and a fashion plate to boot. Bastila's being in search of a place to dress was also funny. T3 being a little porn factory was a riot.

Pick of the Week

Those Who Trespass Against Us
Greengrass1914

PreKOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Saul Karath assists in recruiting one new Sith Hopeful

The piece is well done, showing both the degradation of the survivors, and the crew's distaste in dealing with them. Karath comes across both avuncular, and insulting to Dustil, and it is his actions that finally drives Dustil into the arms of the Sith. His rationalization; that he saved Carth's son sounds a little forced.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:57 PM   #1273
machievelli
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Running late, and still unable to either get into the SWK site to post, or contact an admin that can help. At my wit's end. But I'm plugging along...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center MsFicwriter scores a pick and a tie for best with
SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!

Over at kotorfanmedia Ajrand scored a pick for
In the Wake

And finally over at Fanfiction.net Sakura395 scores a pick and the tie for Best with Across Generations
followed by CyberneticMagician's highly amusing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Light Side

Well, back to the grind...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!
MsFicwriter

SW: TOR on Coruscant: Part six of the ongoing epic, Things begin to happen rapidly. What will the hero do now?

The piece keeps flowing well, and plot twists abound. The 'candidate' suggesting a legal system spanning every planet actually makes some sense. However one technical point, Tatooine is not listed as a member planet; it's a wholly owned planet by the Hutt clans according to everything I have read.

Can't wait to see what is next.

Pick of the Week

Jedi Hunter
Christos200

AU 28 years after ROTJ: A shadowy figure hunts the Jedi

It starts off like the typical horror movie; two people minding their own business when the attack comes, but there it stops making sense. First, smoke doesn't just appear. It could be a mind trick of of some kind, but if it were, it is unlikely that the older Jedi had never heard of the possibility such a thing. Your characters do not act typically; a couple of drinks is not going to stop them from readying their weapons for example. They come across as confused. In every case in every movie where you have Jedi, it is an almost instinctive reaction to at least reach for their lightsabers.

Remember that with your style you're writing a script. To describe the scene you have here, what you could have done, since you're not showing either the killer or the weapon, what would have done it without Force powers being mentioned is:

Ted (The unnamed Younger Jedi) scans the smoke nervously. A shape flashes between the camera and him, and when it is gone, Ted now looks shocked. He looks down at a wound in his chest, then falls forward.

Even here, you remaining Jedi doesn't draw his weapon. Why? And there is no need (And no sense) for him to speak aloud. Again, look at this scene instead:

Fred (Survivor) ignites his lightsaber, looking left and right cautiously. He pauses, and turns just a little toward his left. As he does, the shadowy figure appears to his right and behind.

Again, you had no weapon seen. So we don't know what the killer is using. If it were a simple blade, it would be a flash as light reflects from it. A vibroblade would have a whining sound, and a lightsaber would have the snap hiss of ignition.

Your killer's lair sounds like the movie versions of the Batcave from the older movies. Since it is a secret location, this is understandable, but having a verbal password is an antique. It would be easier to have an optical scanner for the eye or hand.

“Before two day' should be 'two days ago', just as 'Before three years' should be 'Three years ago'. As for the report of Nilas' death, 'dead here and 2 days' should be 'He's been dead for two days. 'Other eleven remain' should be 'That just leaves the other eleven'. As I have said before, get someone to beta your work to avoid improper language usage.

Having the man in the security room offer a Jedi youngling a dime makes no sense, since he could just as easily use his own com panel to call Skywalker. The scene is reminiscent of the Movie Tora, Tora,Tora! Where the telegraph operator in Hawaii just puts the warning in the stack of outgoing telegrams to Fort Shafter because the sending agency forgot to mark it urgent or as the military uses, OPERATION IMMEDIATE.

In the scene inside Katan's room you finally explain the smoke from previously, but again your Jedi goes into it dumb as a post; not readying himself for combat, just standing there stupid.

As for the report of Nilas' death, why is Luke wasting time even listening to it? He just saw the dead man a few moments before. The entire scene is contrived. Look at this:

Luke rushing toward Katan's room. Hunter, disguised as Nilas steps aside as Luke rushes past him.

Also, unless it is the under levels of the city-planet, there is nowhere a body is going to lay for days without being reported. Even there it would have been stripped of anything of value within hours.

Technical note: When you write, assume your reader has never played a game. It may sound stupid, but if you read my books I never use different Force powers from the game by name. When I used the equivalent of Force Speed in my Return From Exile, I merely had the observer see the Jedi start to run forward, then suddenly reappear further on than would be natural. In Republic Dawn I had Breia Solo use Force Lightning, but just had her grab something, and had electricity arc through it.

In dealing with the computer, your initial question is too broad. Think about a master computer somewhere, and you ask it for information about say Jesus Christ. The smallest amount of Data you would get that is full Data on the subject (Without Miracles) is what I call the Police Report on Jesus in the book, The Word where it is a bare bones recitation about his birth and early years, then an in depth look at his actions for the last two years (The period when he gathered the disciples and preached up to his arrest and execution). For a man in his fifties, the computers answer to your question would, in other words, cover almost two and a half pages.

Remember, except when they make the computer sentient, they are literal constructs. It would have made more sense to limit the question to present location, or have the computer itself ask for exactly what answer you seek.

As for the Face Spray, it neatly explains why the killer got the blood sample, but you should know if the computer has the capability, rather than ask it. Also, instead of having the man say out loud or think what it does, it would be better, again, to have the computer give him the warning so we, the viewer/reader, know.

Unless your computer is linked to the system in the Jedi temple, there is no way it is going to introduce a virus into their system without your killer carrying in some storage media for it. Even the most rinkydink net based company has security software to stop attempts to insert virii from outside. Unless your computer is superior to theirs, it would not succeed. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Also, since the computer doesn't have a face, you don't need a holo- projector/receiver. The scene would have been better this way:

Hunter stops at a com panel, setting his comlink against it. There is a beep, and he punches some buttons, which is answered by another beep. He removes the comlink, returning it to his robe. Now we the audience do not know what has happened yet, but in a following scene;
Hunter touches the com panel button.

Cut to security camera view of hall. Suddenly the screen fuzzes.


Except for that above, the piece was pretty good.

kotorfanmedia

In the Wake
Ajrand

Five years Post KOTOR: Who is this woman, and is she enemy or ally?

The piece is well done. Revan is sick of her quest, just wanting it to be over. The confrontation is well done, and the end surprising enough that I want more.

Pick of the Week

Leaving Taris
Samuraibrarian

KOTOR Post-Taris: A freshly created 'Revan' deals with planet wide destruction

The piece is interesting because the named character reacted in a manner reminiscent of ANH when Obi Wan reacts to the still distant destruction of Alderaan.

Perhaps distance causes the effects to be less, but we don't have enough evidence...

Technical note; As one author said, men who went to sea immediately created their own jargon to differentiate themselves from the local landsmen. Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. A ship does not have halls, it has passageways or companion ways; differentiated by a passageway is room to move, while a companionway is large enough for two or more.

A well done view of the effects with a slower attack than we saw with Alderaan.

When Saving the Universe is your Only Option
randomtastic7

Pre KOTOR On Coruscant: The crew is not complete yet...

The piece is a drawn out version of the intro, but it's excellently done; we have a better view of the character and her background.

Technical note; you would not reapply a hood, you would pull it back into position.

The piece is worth a look.

Together
Ajrand

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Juhani watches the one she cares about

Once you forgot a word; 'Then you don't get confused (by) the lies everyone uses to protect themselves,'. no biggie, I do it all the time. Just remember to sight edit before posting.

The piece is just a slice of life. Juhani watching through the Force as Liah (Revan) interacts with the crew. Juhani is obsessing not only on the woman, but the situation they are steering into.

Birth of the Shadow
Allronix

The piece reaches into both characters, seeing as the Echani do, the inner workings of the heart through combat. A well done use of the Echani ways.

Shadows of a Nonexistant Past
SeFoster

Two Years Post KOTOR: Revan still searches for a past that might never have been

An interesting take on the subject of Revan trying to find whose memories he has. No matter how he searches, he can find no clue as to the people that were supposed to be the parents of his present identity. Was it all an elaborate drama created just to link his mind to? But, there is still Coruscant to check...

Fanfiction.net

Tales of KOTOR: The World's Cry
Dante-Raven

Pre KOTOR: He goes because he must, and a vision decides that

The piece is an interesting take on the Exile's capabilities. It would make sense that someone capable of making easy bonds through the Force to others might have a better feel for it than others. That such a bond, through others, would make them more susceptible to feeling the pain around that person. An interesting view, go to war to ease the pain.

the adventures of shada montrim: the shadow killer
Soybean1

Some time after ROTJ: A Sith Apprentice plots his escape to freedom

Some cumbersome sentences; for example, this would be a better wording, 'were in his range {were} had (suffered) similar fates' with the second were removed and suffered used instead.'Suddenly the animals started to converge on him before he could {realize} (recognize their} unnatural behavior'. 'lord would not be able to see what he would have {to do} the minion (do).'

Some improper word usage; died(Expired) rather than dyed(tinted), tuff (Slang) instead of tough, enhances (Makes) instead of enhancement (The act of enhancing), there (location) instead of their (Personal), thrown (Hurled) instead of Throne (seat)

Some forgotten or extraneous words; 'For the next two,' (What, hours, days?) Probably hours by context, but the reader has to interpolate the answer. 'The creatures seemed relentless in their,' (What? Purpose? Mission?). 'he felt the (felt ?) all around him'. Felt what? "Yeah, because I never (Fail to) complete a mission", 'rolling out of (range?)', 'Reaching into (to) the walls' Our job, as author is to create a verbal landscape and portrait to save them that trouble.

Remember conversation breaks. Picture a river; it follows the path of least resistance to it's goal, and conversation breaks are the banks of that river. Again, you're making it harder on the readers by making them back track to see who is talking.

Remember tenses. You went from past to present tense after the fight with the dragon literally in the middle of a paragraph. Again in the fight with the lord, you have the lightsaber absorb the energy in the present tense while the paragraph is past tense, then have the lord prepare for a lightsaber battle again in present tense. Tenses keep the story flowing in a clearly understandable form for the reader; if you keep shifting them, they get frustrated.

Remember proper terminology; a ship has a hatch, not a door.

The use of the Character Nightcrawler from the Marvel Universe to base this on is not a big problem; statistically with the one hundred million odd worlds in the Republic there could easily be such a race, though giving his race the same teleporting power and disappearing in a shadow would be a bit much. Also, if I remember the character right, he can only 'port' to somewhere he has been before or can see. In the books, I only remember one time he did a blind port, that was straight up about a thousand feet.

Using his tail to hold a weapon makes little sense, a monkey's tail is prehensile, but while it can use it to hang, it doesn't pick things up with it.

I am not sure if the author is ESL or not. Some terminology, such as improper tenses can be explained if the author were say, Chinese.

Technical note: A Tie defender carries only four missiles, not ten. The additions made were in a way logical, but it's like taking a stock fighter, say a F14 Tomcat, and adding about a third again it's standard payload what with mines and a minelaying rail and more firepower such as extra cannon, both laser and ion. I would wonder where you have space for a pilot in the ship you described.

The piece, while frustrating and confusing was actually quite good.

KOTOR Pursuit and Revenge
D-Brennan

Pre-KOTOR AU:What if Revan had not been captured?

The piece was interesting, but appeared more like a reprise of the fight through the Star Forge without facing droids as well. Her flight rather than complete the confrontation was a bit odd to me, and that she was able to flee without being fired upon by the ship a bit confusing.

Technical note: While Star Trek and Star Wars has ships close together, (Such as the Battle of Endor when the capital ships look like sailing ships duking it out) this is a visual effect that makes it easier for the audience to understand, not real life. At one point in an Episode of TNG they had a Klingon Vessel facing off with the Enterprise D at what looks like docking range yet the Security officer reports that it is at a range of 500 kilometers. To give you an idea, this means the Enterprise is over Los Angeles California, while the Klingon is above San Francisco. They would not need to close in as close as you describe.

I didn't have enough time to read beyond the first chapter, but I wish I could have.

Across Generations
Sakura395

19 years post KOTOR: A young Padawan hears about her parents for the first time...

Chapter 1 was a bit short and quite good, but unfortunately I don't have time to go on to the others. The only quibble I have is that Master Vrook, who died in K2 is here in this one.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: The Chronicles of Seth Ravenworth
Darsha2

Set after Jedi Academy: Jaden gets some new apprentices.

Remember conversation breaks. The reader gets confused if he has to back track and keep track of who is speaking.

The correct term when C3P0 is speaking is human/cyborg relations.

The piece is almost a remake of the game mentioned above. The two apprentices spar when their sabers are built (Remember that Jaden should have made sure the sabers were set to the low powered setting) and start fighting for real when one student loses his temper.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Light Side
CyberneticMagician

The piece made me laugh, which, considering the last week, was a help. The biplay reminds me of the snappy dialogue from Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles, with:

“Shishkabobs!" shrieked Yehoshua .

He continued to stab the sith until they were all dead.

"Dang man, how can six men fit on two swords?" asked Trask.

A fun read


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:05 PM   #1274
machievelli
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Now coming up on a month since I have been unable to access the login page for SWK. I have tried to contact the mods, but no joy, and don't know who to contact outside of the Site itelf. If anyone can help, I would appreciate it.

As you have no doubt noticed, I have been tacking my 'Critic's Return' column onto the top of these postings so at least you will know if you got a best when I gave it.

So let's get to it...

Over at Fanfiction.net TaelynHawker got a best for
Finding Light followed by Amma Moto for The Phantom Menace, and A Man Named Fearless scored with Take Care of Her

Over at kotorfanmedia Samuraibrarian scored with On the Unknown Island but Mister Buch achieved best of the week for the dark Of the Fall

Well back to the grind. Working on the two works you've seen, and three that will pay if I finish them.

Decisions, decisions...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

SWTOR: The Pursuit of Revenge: Departure of Sand
LDR

Set in SWTOR: After a few problems, A Jedi and friend are enroute to Onderon

The biggest problem with the piece is that there is no characterization. Everyone, even the hero are cardboard cutouts with no description at all. More description was paid to the ship than to anyone in it. It reminded me of an Anime named xxxholic where except for people who were part of the episode itself everyone was merely a line drawing of a figure.

As a slice of life it wasn't that bad.

Fanfiction.net

Knights of the Old Republic: The lost Knights
Hotspot1029

Post KOTOR: A Jedi is sent to find a lost master

I think you meant three thousand souls rather than shoulders, held a city rather than help one, calm tone not clam tone, the few rather than there few, and resided (Lived) rather than resigned (quit), between not below, thought instead of though. These would have been caught if you remember to sight edit before posting, as all are words that will pass a spell check, but don't match the context of the phrase.

It's interesting that you comment that Vandar does not do Yoda-speak, yet then turn around and have him talk that way anyway from that point on.

Remember shipboard terminology. It is a compartment and viewport rather than room and window Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Your description of the galaxy's division doesn't quite fit real space. First, while the flight through asteroid belts in AOTC and TESB were fun, that would be in one of the nodes where gravity has made a serious clump. Our own asteroid belt holds less than 6 percent of the mass of our solar system (About the mass of Earth) and because of it's diameter most of it is empty space. A belt as you describe would have to be several million light years in diameter and be just as tenuous.

The confrontation between the gang and the troops didn't quite work. Infantry or Marine troops (from the weapons described), unlike the average street gang, are extremely well trained in violence, which is one of the reasons it is a military axiom that no organized body of troops are outnumbered by a mob of any size. That is also the reason you have military police; the average infantry unit is not trained with the idea that your enemy is to be captured rather than killed.

A street gang on the other hand, while cohesive, are not specialists in mayhem and slaughter; Ask a local police public affairs officer how many gang fights end up in a serious casualty lists. They may fight for territory, but the losers usually leave banged up, not in body bags, which is the opposite of a military confrontation. Picture Jabba the Hutt's ragtag team facing off against Imperial Stormtroopers.

Technical note: Saying someone is a tech specialist tells us nothing. Later you did tell us he is a computer technician with a specialty in security systems, which would make him an Electronics specialist. Saying tech technician aboard a ship with perhaps thirty different possible ratings is like just calling him a petty officer.

The piece is very long and I honestly didn't have time to finish it. The flashbacks gives real depth to the main character.

Finding Light
TaelynHawker

KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to let go to be able to hold the one he loves.

It's wry not rye. Rye is a grain, once inside, not one. Missing word, 'Mission exclaimed as (she) sat down beside her'. This would have been caught by a sight edit. The missing word was minor; When I write I do what I call stream of consciousness, just viewing the scene in my head and describing as I go, which means I forget words too.

The piece is extremely well done. The scene where she literally begs Carth to kill her really read well. Most of what followed was merely a structure built on that scene. The end is in doubt still, the last fight with Malak hasn't happened yet. But she goes into it strong with his love.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic 3: Will of the Sith
Damaster123

TSL on Malachor V: The survivors flee to begin the new quest.

Remember conversation breaks. You didn't forget them often, but where you did it was glaringly obvious

As the author said, the chapter was short on action. What I did not like was merely writing everyone else from the new story as if they were incidental. It reminded me of Alien 3 when the Marine Hicks and Newt the girl were written out as unnecessary.

You Know You Want To
Mythra

KOTOR on Korriban: To win, Revan must let go of the light

The piece is good in a deeply disturbing way. Playing the dark side game never appealed to me; too many of the Upper echelon Sith come across like a kid tormenting a dog because they can, the very kind of person I despise. It seems that the writers can think of no redeeming factor in the dark, nor any constraint. The same is generally true of the Mandalorians as portrayed; just the Mandalorians are more physically barbaric.

A historian I read pointed out that the pure barbarian who kills them all loses in the end. Maybe they need to learn that. Look at the Mongols that held almost 25% of the landmasses of the planet under their empire. While they did depopulate both modern day Poland and modern day Turkey, most of the time they accepted surrenders, assigned overseers, and allowed the people to go about their business.

The two times listed above when they went for total massacre, it was to draw out the Teutonic knights in Poland, and to destroy the one section of the world where the intelligentsia were actively working on resistance. In Turkey (actually from the Bosporus east to present day Kabul, and south to Mecca; the old Persian Empire) They killed everyone who could read or write, held any political office, or was in the army.

The Phantom Menace
Amma Moto

Post KOTOR on Korriban: To save her past, Revan must help in the future

There are those stories that are intriguing right from the start and this was one of them. The idea that some kind of portal takes Revan to the time of the Phantom Menace makes me wish to read the lot, and there is a lot more; try 12 chapters total.

Pick of the Week

Take Care of Her
A Man Named Fearless

The Final confrontation on the Star Forge: What will Revan learn?

The piece is an excellent mix of go for broke fight, and reminiscence as the two fight for the last time. The memories are well interwoven and the caring is there even to the end/

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

On the Unknown Island
Samuraibrarian

KOTOR on the island: Revan has to deal with who she was

The piece is a deep introspection of both characters, Revan fighting what she had been, and Carth letting go of his fears to support her. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

I'll show you mine, you show me yours
Samuraibrarian

KOTOR on Tatooine: Reliving their injuries

Mainly a slice of life until Revan begins treating Carth's wounds. Then it is a psychometric trip into his past for every one she touches. An interesting idea for a Force ability.

The Blba Tree
Cellotlix

Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: A young Mical receives a simple lesson from the soon to be Exile

Forgotten word, 'lives will (be) because of our wills and desires'.

The only problem I have with Exile - Mical stories is that the game makes him someone chance met, whereas most of the stories have them meeting and having a relationship of sorts before. It is possible that Mical is merely a child she does not remember, but each one I have seen so far has a resonance that should be memorable.

Well done slice of life.

It Suits You, the Darkness that is
Revvie

Pre KOTOR:

Difficult word choices; 'alleviate grievousness between two merchants families'. Remember never use a large word when a short one will do the same job. alleviate grievousness would flow easier if it were 'ease friction' instead. 'relatively not that harmed'. Second rule, never use two words when one will do. Would read smoother if you said 'relatively unharmed' or 'relatively intact'.

Odd sentence; 'his some infrequent padawan's face', the word 'some' doesn't fit making the sentence awkward. The only way it would work is if you are referring to the fact that the boy suggests he has been passed around like a student needing help with specific tairning, in which case some should be sometimes.

The piece is confusing at the end. The author states it is pre KOTOR but to have Revan be a young Padawan in the Sith's hands, it would have to be Pre Mandalorian Wars as well. Also, think of it this way:

At the time of the Mandalorian Wars, there were perhaps 10,000 Jedi. Scattered across the galaxy, it isn't a lot. Yet you have a bunch trapped in the base. Some of them, like Natasha obviously, for some time. This would not make a lot of sense in the Pre Mandalorian War era because there wouldn't be a lot distracting the Jedi to cover it as there would be later.

I have a military mind, and one that works well with intelligence gathering and analysis. What you have created looks like this; several Jedi pairs have disappeared, probably in a small area. That first supposition is the presence of young Jedi, suggesting that a training pair, knight or master and apprentice, the second supposition is from the fact that if the Sith had a larger presence, they would cover more of the galaxy and be more apparent by their effects.

These pairs have disappeared, creating an area that suggests to my mind that something is happening that is a danger. In the time building to a war, the enemy will do what they can to conceal their actions, but that attempt itself draws the eye to it.

As an example; months before Pearl Harbor, the Japanese Navy pulled the Pearl Harbor strike force back to an area where Caucasians would immediately be spotted so they could practice their attack without being noticed. This caused the US to miss the vital information. They knew the ships had been moved, but not where.

The same thing happened during late 1939 to early 1940 during what was called the Phony War, when the Germans massed their troops behind the Ardennes forest because every one 'knew' it was impassable by tank formations. In this case, the French knew where the army was, they just assumed the forest would block their approach.

So how could all of these people disappear without a clue?

Revan Revamped: Part 1
Rogue Leader

Post TSL: Based on the KOTOR book, the Exile and Atton goes to rescue Revan.

The piece is excellent because of the introspection Atton goes through when the plan is laid out. His ongoing comment, that all he was good at was running, fits in with his melancholy.

Of the Fall
Mister Buch

Vignettes within KOTOR: Revan's reborn rise and fall are seen through the eyes of the others.

The piece is a series of snapshots from the minds of her crew. From the worried but light view of her originally on Taris to the final confrontation. with Carth. While every change was a bit confusing, it took only moments to understand who was speaking, and their views were unique. It is a well done albeit sad testament.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-25-2012, 11:14 PM   #1275
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I hardly consider Varik a hero.

Thanks for the review! I will use your advice to improve upon my story in the next chapters.



Forgive, but never forget. No amount of DLC can take back lying to your fan base. Trust is earned, not downloaded.



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Old 05-26-2012, 07:46 AM   #1276
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LDR View Post
I hardly consider Varik a hero.

Thanks for the review! I will use your advice to improve upon my story in the next chapters.
Not knowing the provenance of the character, perhaps I should have merely called him the main character. As for the review, I hope I helped.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:07 AM   #1277
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So many stories. So little time...

Still unable to access SWK to post there... HELP! Having fun here; a scorcher this week a full month before summer officially starts. So without further ado...

From we start with Foxfire's [/urlUrl=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/69] Partnership followed by Skypilot's reprise pick Beginning of an Exile Unfortunately no best of the week, they were both good, but not that good.

Shouldn't have done it, but I peeked at the week's forecast. Three more days of triple digits. Help Me! I'm melting!!

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Untitled Original Scifi story
DarthOlc

Non SW Fic: The escape

The piece is generic, but I think that is partially because you don't want to drift into the SW genre. No biggie. Your main character spends most of his(her) time zoning because of a head injury; but that is honestly one of the one things no one has considered for a redo of KOTOR. The piece is fun with the main character (Someone disabused me using the term 'hero') pretty much hanging on the arm of the assistant.

Face it, kid. If I read it here, I will review it. Live with that. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for something fun.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Male Revan

] Revanchism - Chapter 1
Renee Enderson

Pre Mandalorian War AU: Bastila versus the Spellbinder

The piece was interesting because Revan is saying exactly what I thought was logical for all of those who departed. The Jedi have always been the guardians of the Republic; but as Revan says here it is the people they should protect, not the government itself.

The scene at the rally reminds me of what could have happened if an intellectual had been able to confront Hitler at a rally. As we Americans who do not speak German will tell you, all of that spellbinder's speeches are innuendo and assaults on others. There is no rhyme nor reason to them, but over 70 Million people died in that war; most of them in Europe, all because of one Bavarian Corporal.

Dark Side Female Exile

Lies
http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/9960
Exile's Fall
Xephinetsa

TSL on Dxun: The Exile meets up with the Mandalorians then sets out to explore

The way you portray the Exile makes her come across, I hate to say, like a total neophyte. Since she had been a soldier, she would not have wandered around so careless of her environment. Combat veterans tend to get into the hyper awareness about threats that kept them alive in the past very quickly. Even if she had not yet joined the other Jedi at the time of Dxun, she would have heard about the place, and it wouldn't have been good stories either. You also make the animals come across as clumsy as well. A malrass, by the images used in the game, are feline, and the large cats do not attack center of mass unless they have no other target. They use their claws to pin or disable the legs first if they cannot reach the throat.

The scenes have little color or flow to them. The encounters sadly like the game, come across as almost staged. Her wandering off alone to the tomb is almost child like, again, not the reaction of an experienced person. They have a nickname for someone who just walks off into the Serengeti in such a clueless manner; they call them lunch.

Lies
http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/10013
Who I Was
Ajrand

TSL in the tomb: The Exile revisits her past

Compared to your earlier work this seems rushed. The battle scene at the bridge was well done, but having an officer run around with full medals in the middle of a battle, from your description, makes no sense. On a battlefield in the last century, the only visible difference between a typical grunt and a general is on the collar points.

The interesting thing was having Malak in the first scene step out of lockstep with the past to ask the important question. Would you do it again knowing what will follow?

Starting other K2 Characters now...

Partnership
Foxfire

Post TSL: A chance encounter on the outer rim

The piece has it's good moment. The bare bones description of Atton's pursuit was just right. Dustil's predicament is what you'd expect from someone not used to roughing it; having to spend his last coin to try to get his ship fixed and failing. His 'I'm looking for something my father lost' is all the clue I needed.

An interesting take and partnership since I know they're after pretty much the same thing...

Pick of the week

Atton and Revan
Midnight Hawk

Mandalorian War era: Atton meets Revan for the first time

Improper words, Looser (as in loosening something) rather than loser, no body instead of nobody, perculating (The act of embezzling money) instead of percolating (Passing liquid through a filter, as in percolating coffee), 'him force powers' instead of his, 'I have to use for weakness' should be 'I have no use for weakness'.

The piece didn't quite gel because according to the original game back story you have a four year period with the Jedi leading the Republic to their final victory before Malachor V, yet you have Revan and those around her acting as if she'd left the enclave the previous week. With the armor on, I could understand why someone did not recognize her, but it would be like an soldier of WWII serving in Europe not knowing who Patton was by name.

I did enjoy the idea that she was concealing not only her face but her sex as well by wearing the armor.

Beginning of an Exile
Skypilot

Originally reviewed 17 Nov 2006, but unfortunately it was never posted here. My bad. That review is below:

Posted 17 Nov 2006 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critics Two Cents.

Some works here are what I consider Professional level, these are marked Pick of the Week. Check SWK for the pick of the week from among them.

Commentary on the Exile when she was still a student.

The style is good, though you do have a few minor problems with spelling and grammar. Nothing a little polishing won’t fix.

Technical note: Why is forming force bonds rapidly automatically a Sith technique? Especially if it is something natural to the person? There were comments about it in the Sith Lords, but nothing that suggested that it was automatically evil.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Kotor plus Me
Shadowani

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: What if you intejected yourself into the game?

From the usage, I suspect you are French Canadian. So I will be gentle. Remember to sight edit and check grammar. Also remember to complete contractions, you used ill instead of I'll, well instead of we'll for example.

Also remember to sight edit. There are words that will pass a spell check (Though when you meant thought) for example. Remember to complete sentences 'Endar Spires put together.' should be 'Endar Spire's crew put together.', which is something else that a careful sight edit would catch.

It isn't the first time I have seen someone add themselves to the game, but the different views when it occurs are always interesting. The errors mentioned above caused some confusion.

Mekel's Demise
DarthNexus9000

KOTOR on Korriban: Saved, then killed by his savior

The piece was short, and it took me a few moments to realize what was happening. If you have played out the scene, all you have to do to kill the other person and at the same time save yourself is answer the questions correctly. It's as if Revan had fallen at the last minute in his attempt to save the other man.

Powers of Destruction: Redone
jonathan8123

15 years post TSL: The son of the Exile goes in search of his parent

First, a planet that is uninhabitable has some condition that makes life as we know it unable to survive. Living on the surface of Saturn for example would be impossible with our present technology. Yet you have animals that live there. Hostile is not uninhabitable. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in a segment of the book Friday when explaining what he called the T-system (Comparing conditions on other planets to Earth) T-12 is Earth before man arrived on the scene; large predators, not knowing what specific food can be eaten, or the seasons being fierce, such as severe winters and summers, but we're still here.

The piece is dry and tasteless. You go out of your way to make the 'death of the force' as asexual as possible, so there is no characterization of either character. They are cardboard cut outs, not people we can relate to. The quest is confusing. You have to kill something to assure your survival, but you survive only by taking on it's capabilities; as if being death of the force is a title, not a condition. The main character wins, but how? If using the force feeds his opponent, the act of using the force to move the lightsaber to strike him would also feed it.

Parting Words

Helena L

Post KOTOR: At the wedding of his team mates, Jolee reminisces about his own past

The piece is a simple slice of life, with an old codger watching the young get on with their lives. I have reached the age where I do the same thing; watching young lovers, or kids with their first triumph, and know my own life will eventually end while they go on.

It's not that bad a feeling, really.

Turn of Events
Sith Lord Revan 1

Pre TSL: Revan as the Peragus station security chief?

Remember to sight edit, as words will pass a spell check but not be proper for the sentence; quite instead of quiet, herd instead of heard, that kind of thing.

The scenes in the facility before the Exile awakens is a little too rough to be workable. First, even drunk, someone is not going to draw down on the head of the security force; not and expect to be employed the next day. While it does happen in real life, in a situation where you both work for the company, it would get the miner's contract terminated. Also even in such a situation, a cop is not going to draw down on an employee. He'll disarm him, dump him in the cells, and the miner gets fired and kicked out. Also a mining laser is a tool, and when you're not working, you don't carry your tools around with you.

One question; Doesn't anyone wonder why their head of security has the same name as the former dark lord?

A Woman's Work

Lady Revan of Deralia

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile does her last duty to her departed.

The piece is poignant, a funeral pyre for her companion after defeating her enemies.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:07 PM   #1278
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Still locked out of SWK. So you get to see it here first!


We've dealt with triple digits, and I have the distinction (read I'm different from everyone else) that my system uses water more rapidly than everyone else. So, another week, and some good stuff for you.

Over at Fanfiction.net We start with Ashforge's Blackbird which scored one part of the paired Best of the week.

Over at kotorfanmedia we start with LunaChan's Murder then BrennaSolo's Jedi Ceremonies followed by Starphire's Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged and ending with the other winner for best of the week; Midnight Hawk's Atton's Advocate
So again high temperatures deal with me, and my work goes on. A lot of fun, eh?

Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

NSW Fiction, Dragon age origins: Where the world ceases...
Revan sama

Confusing word usage; logical and feelings should be logic and emotion rather than feelings. 'would criticize him' not criticized. 'didn't judge', not didn't judged, slowly cutting rather than cutting slowly, mortal woman rather than woman mortal.

cumbersome sentence structure; 'you must give it a weakness or search a weakness if it already possesses one' would make more sense as 'you must create a weakness or find a weakness it already possesses.'

The basic premise is excellent; find someone in emotional need, and feed that need to feed yourself.

NSW Fiction, Nightmares on Gehenna
Yukub

in the Future: Humans face a new threat

Equipment is hauled (Brought) not hailed (called)

'As a new (force of a ) million men (are, not is)'.

Technical note: the Can'Tores seem to be portrayed as a native species. If they are, they cannot be driven off the planet, they can only be forced onto reservations or eradicated.

And why Uranium? It is valuable, but at $50.50 per pound as of today's market (6 June) it would be cheaper to mine the asteroid belt. That was part of the reason they used Unobtainium in Avatar as the mineral they were looking for.

Military note; a total military for the planet of 20 million? There are almost as many on our planet under arms now even in a time of relative peace. There is, world wide about 2% of the population, (about 16.5 million) and the population is growing at a rate of about 30 million a year. If it were war time, Europe alone would be able to field that same amount. The US could field field it without breaking a sweat; China alone could field almost 300 million.

Also just out of curiosity, why have you sent off a million men for a deployment of fifteen years before you reinforce or rotate them out? The last government that used that long a deployment were the Romans. Most modern military units are pulled out of combat after about a year for rest and reorganization assuming combat; and out of garrison usually after four.

Leaving them on a base that can be attacked, as your penny packets are; leaves only your primary bases; Hotbase and Quergo, as somewhere to send them for such R&R. Since both are targets, this isn't much. When I was young, they were still sending men to Vietnam. For R&R they could go to Saigon, but like your military men, it wasn't that safe in comparison to say Singapore, Bangkok, Tokyo, or Cebu where they could also go back then.

The story is flowing, but the technical flaws I have mentioned above detracts from it a bit for me. The basic, the situation, the threat, is well portrayed. As is the threat I perceive from their own government.

Welcome to the forum.

The Pursuit of Revenge: Remembrance
LDR

Set in SWTOR, continuation of the previous work: The main character remembers...

Remember to sight edit. The mother is also a banker but you forgot 'a' in the sentence.

I like that we now have a little more flesh on the bones of your characters. Remember that most people when they read, imagine what the character sound and look like, and it's part of your job to give them a framework to build on. The only time this is not necessary is when you are using a well known character from someone else's work. If you say 'Sherlock Holmes reclined in his comfortable chair, smoke rising from his pipe', everyone will chose in their mind the actor who has portrayed that character, and insert him into the scene, whether it be Robert Downey Junior, Basil Rathbone, or my personal favorite, Michael Caine from Without a Clue.

Fanfiction.net

Blackbird
Ashforge

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan falls in love, and begs her lover to stay in the light

The piece was well done with a few problems, primarily misspelled words. It moved me in odd ways seeing her decide she loved someone, and in so doing, wants that lover safe.

Pick of the Week

The Great War
wetdog8040

Post ANH: When the clones escape control, they find themselves again expendable

The piece is not even long enough to be a prologue. The biggest problem is the premise, leading to:

Technical note: A clone is created from a sample of tissue from a single person. There is not a whole lot of what can be called 'wiggle room' there. By judicious adjustment of the sample, you could theoretically create female clones using what is called a diploid complement; an exact opposite of the original DNA. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in Time Enough For Love, breeding the pair back is the next logical step. However the genetic bullet would not be as easily dodged in the following generations, any more than it is genetically safe to marry your own sister.

So you have a genetically flawed society sending these warriors out. With more flawed children growing up.

You also made no mention of tweaking the process to reduce the aging process used originally. The clones of the movies and books were aging at twice normal rate, meaning a man only 30 years old would be doddering along looking sixty. I assumed it had been done, just that you did not mention it.

The Fate of Revan
Winter Arani

Post KOTOR: Revan departs for the outer rim with more company than normal.

The piece doesn't really gel; both Canderous and Carth come across as too sycophantic. Not completely out of characters, but enough to jar.

Where the hssiss roam
Darth Phex

TSL on Korriban: A lot of things can happen in the tomb of Ludo Kressh...

Except for a few minor problems such as spelling things phonetically (Chubaka? Malacore?) and a need to sight edit before posting to avoid shear (instead of sheer) boredom, the piece was very funny. Lines like the following trip you up, and make you pause in disbelief;

"I believe you are strong enough to explore the tomb ahe-. Are you paying attention!"

"Of coarse(course) I am." Arie replied as she continued to carve "Arie was here" into the door with her lightsaber.

Does the Exile even get a clue as to what's happening? Of course not! She's too busy plowing on like a tank through a building.

Knights of the Old Republic: Roots
l0ngshotOR

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: Bastila meets Revan for only the second time

The piece flowed well, and makes me wish I could read further than the two chapters I did. There were a few jarring notes, having the Vao kids stage through Dantooine to go to Taris a little early (Since Bastila is listed as being ten, that would make Mission four or five) for example, but on the whole well done.

The Ebon Hawk
Winter Arani

Six decades post TSL: An old man waxes lyrical about the history of a ship he is showing to another

The piece confused me at the end of the second chapter; why would the Exile have to give up the force yet again?

Technical note: You did two things here that made no sense. First, you ID'd the ship as a CEC YT1000. While you can call her by whatever class and product ID you wish, remember that there will be almost 4,000 years between this ship and the Millennium Falcon, which is a YT1300.

Second, a Naval officer does not have the authority to decommission a civilian craft, which the Hawk is. If it had been commissioned as say a commerce raider (Such as HMS Rawalpindi or Jervis Bay during WWII) what would have happened is that the Navy would remove the weapons, decommission the ship, and return her to her original owners again. As she sits she is merely a light freighter equipped to protect herself in some of the rougher areas of the galaxy, not a warship

kotorfanmedia

Atton's Advocate
Midnight Hawk

TSL on Peragus: Atton is rescued by a surprising person

The piece was an excellent work covering the meeting between the Exile and Atton. The author did one thing few people did; having Atton automatically recognize her name. I did the same thing in a way in my own Return From Exile but before she had introduced herself:

“War council.”

“Yep the Bitch and her four hell hounds. Malak, Vitoris, Sanso, and Devos. The four riders of everyone else’s doom.”

Then:

“Since we’ll be working together, how about a name?”

“Oh, sorry. Rand, Atton Rand. And you?”

She shut off the security field, and took my outstretched hand. “Marai.” Her grin grew feral. “Marai Devos.”

Having them play Pazaak while waiting is a pure Atton touch, and having him thinking of Nar Shaddaa rules choice.

Pick of the Week

My Guess
JediExile TK421

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A simple question brings up a flood of memory

The piece is a fun read because you get some in depth of both the Exile and Bao-Dur. Women only recently began serving in combat here in the US, but when they do, I can see subordinates checking them out first as women, and only then as soldiers. I handled the same scene by having Bao-Dur merely say 'I'm going back to work now' and making Atton work it out for himself.

Murder
LunaChan

Originally reviewed 17 November 2006, that review is below:

Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view.

A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Jedi Ceremonies
BrennaSolo

Post TSL: The first Jedi knight of the new order

The piece was fun not because of the ceremony or the reception, though Revan and Carth playing up their romance to scare the straights was fun. What I enjoyed was the idea that Carth had known and commanded Atton before, and that the Corellian Jedi went their own way in regard to marriage. Since they seem to be at odds with the rest of the galaxy on everything else too...

Pick of the Week

Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged
Starphire

Originally posted 24 November 2006 on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment and SWK. That review is below:

In the words of the author: Very short, very Bao-Dur-centric

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it was subject matter more than anything else. The work is excellent.

I don’t know if the authors of the game had considered a romance between these two characters, but I say go for it.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Tia's story: chapter 1
Mcich

Prior to KOTOR: A Jedi visits the Dantooine Academy

The piece is funny because we have someone probably receiving a vision of what will happen to the Academy before visiting it. The piece is a nice slice of normal Jedi Life.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:14 PM   #1279
machievelli
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Due to circumstances I will need to have my computer in the shop this weekend starting on Thursday, so I will not be posting a column this week. I apologize to all those eagerly awaiting my attentions. In my next posting I will, upon the request of the author here at CEC, review a posting by them to Fanfiction.net. A disturbing piece as any who reads it will agree...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:49 PM   #1280
LDR
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It's all good. Unexpected complications tend to fiddle with the machines of today.

Take your time. There only going to be...like...what... a couple dozen more stories for you to review next week?



Forgive, but never forget. No amount of DLC can take back lying to your fan base. Trust is earned, not downloaded.



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