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Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
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Old 02-15-2006, 07:34 AM   #161
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Counting from this to be able videre to home your

That's it translated, hell I know what it means.

Btw...could to check out my fanfic, The Mandalorian Apprentice? Thanks.


philla は陰茎のハハのwat の名前をであるそのlmfao のゲイの名前吸う
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Old 02-15-2006, 09:27 AM   #162
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I made a little mistake, but I think I know now:
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Why don't you check out this then;

Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum
'From here it is possible to see your house'?
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Old 02-15-2006, 05:49 PM   #163
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...maybe it's more like "I can see my house from here!"

@Reclaimer: Looks like you've discovered the 'wonders' of Google Language Tools. Not a great translator, that...
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Old 02-15-2006, 05:53 PM   #164
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Doctor
...maybe it's more like "I can see my house from here!"
I=Ego. Ego not detected in the sentance: "Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum". Sorry.
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:01 PM   #165
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Meh. I tried. I can't even speak French, and it's my countries second language. I just thought I'd give it a shot
Oh, and Vlad, I know you probably didn't intend it that way, but that sounded very condescending
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:07 PM   #166
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Doctor
Oh, and Vlad, I know you probably didn't intend it that way, but that sounded very condescending
Sorry, I didn't mean to. I was trying to make it sound funny.
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:29 PM   #167
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Apology accepted
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Old 02-15-2006, 11:20 PM   #168
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You get the prize VV.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-16-2006, 08:39 AM   #169
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What's the prize?
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Old 02-16-2006, 10:18 AM   #170
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Translation: 'I can see your house from here' According to author Terry Pratchett


The Whatever prize. is what you recieve. When ever I give my stepdaughter too much information (Since she's your age guys, you might understand) her reply is;

Whatever.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 02-16-2006 at 10:26 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-16-2006, 10:34 AM   #171
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After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-16-2006, 03:29 PM   #172
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?
Hey I'm told that by my family like every other day. Heck I would be delighted to work on an anthology. I was considering doing that with my poetry.

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Old 02-16-2006, 08:31 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?
I'd love to write for a living. If you do ever find someone, I'd be glad to write a story. But, I look at all these books in the libraries and think There are millions of authors! I don't think that I could become one of those singled out ones. But hey, I'd love to do a short story.

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Old 02-16-2006, 11:19 PM   #174
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?
I'd gladly do that, I'd love to have something I wrote published. And to be able to wave in front of my english teacher. PM me if you get an agent .


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:21 PM   #175
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination
PM me if you get an agent .
Ditto. I think I could whip up another story

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Old 02-17-2006, 04:46 AM   #176
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Meh, I already have a great story concept. I'm gonna do it seriously and then go publish it. It's not Star Wars, it's real life and it's powerful. I'm afraid I may even ahve to sacrifice my next SW fanfiction for it.


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Old 02-17-2006, 10:47 AM   #177
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tried putting the locations of the sites themselves in hyperlinks. Maybe it worked.

Philosophy of The Force
John Skywalker

Sequel to Adventures of John Skywalker

Not much has been done with the story yet, but it does flow readily.

Temptation Rising
Dylan Klay

Set before Star Wars: The Phantom menace, A Jedi team assisted by Rangers cover negotiations.

Kid, the only problems I saw with this were spelling, editing, and grammar. Editing is the most important because you have a number of times where the thought is not clear or the wrong word was used. You did throw me at the start when you began twice. But watching the editing showed me what you were thinking.
Very well done.

The fall of Revan
Jeremia Skywalker

Set After KOTOR I assuming a dark-side ending.
A young Jedi survives an attempt on the Star Forge and now must escape from Sith custody.

As I have told many before you, slow down. Your mind is creating images faster than you can type them and it shows in the product. I would suggest going a little retrograde. Write it down in long hand first, then transcribe it. That will cause you to A: edit as you go, and B: Reread your work so you catch obvious errors. The idea is good, but the story does not flow.
It will with work, trust me. I donít have stories that I wrote when I was a lot younger, but I have an excellent memory and just thinking about them makes me thank the force that I learned.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater



Swift Squadron Series,

Commander Andersen

Adventures of a Republic Fighter squadron

The writer has the same problems a lot have had that I review, and it is that he is A: trying to visualize this like a movie and B: writing down this visual image which is happening too fast to really follow. The characters are not fleshed out, the scenes fall one after another but in a manner that makes them feel haphazard.

I made a SW story, I just wanna see if I should post

Midknight

A cloned Emperor begins a campaign of conquest.
Everything bad that can be said about this was already said by Zane Marit, who critiqued it a lot more harshly than I would have unless I had been asked.
The idea needs work, and the kid needs to remember Clarkís rule. ďNever use two words when one will doí and I leave it at that.

Otherwise, as a first attempt it isnít too bad.

Star Wars: The Darkness Within

Darth badman

Set 8 years after the Yuuzhan Vong Crisis. An apprentice of Darth Bane returns through time to menace the New Republic.

the style stilted, and the kid doesnít seem to know what a paragraph is.
But the idea is interesting, so I have to say all it needs is work.

From Kotorfanmedia

The Fires of the Forge
Cesar de Biscarrat

In the Interim between KOTOR I and II. The Ebon Hawk is rescued by an old friend

The story is well craft, and as one of those that gave it a thumbs up said,
ĎOh my gods! Please for the love of all thing sacred continue this, you canít leave me hanging like that!í

KOTOR Fairy Tales: Puss in Boots
Karacat

A fairy tale using the characters of KOTOR

With a screen name like Karacat, you wouldnít be surprised that sheíd pick Puss in Boots. Having written a childrenís story, I know how hard it is.
Yet she does it seamlessly right down to the interjections you would expect from an audience listening to such a story. Well worth the time to read it.

With a Kiss
Dinah Lance

A bittersweet parting between Revan and Carth.

39 readers gave this a thumbs up, and I can understand why.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-17-2006, 10:49 AM   #178
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I don't believe it. It worked the first effing time!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-17-2006, 10:50 AM   #179
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That was... fast.

I didn't know that you could post reviews that often.
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Old 02-17-2006, 11:08 AM   #180
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except for my struggling with hyperlinking, I have posted them once a week, vlad


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-17-2006, 07:19 PM   #181
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I don't want to seem pressy or like a prick (if I do tell me), but I just finished Destruction of the Sith, so could you please review it? If you don't, that's fine, but I'd really appreciate it.

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Old 02-18-2006, 09:11 PM   #182
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I'll make a deal with you, JK-707. If you'll send a full copy to my e-mail, I'll do it during this next week. Otherwise we're looking at another month.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-18-2006, 09:14 PM   #183
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A note to every write on the site at present.

When I started this column, my biggest worry was that the instant I started the people I had reviewed would either, A: Use the poll that I added to this and tell me to take a hike, or B: Stop writing.

It's nice to know that I didn't scare you guys away. Keep it up.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-19-2006, 11:41 AM   #184
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mchievelli
It's nice to know that I didn't scare you guys away.
Believe me, I thought that we would scare you away.

Anyway, I will take a break for a while because I am working on some other fan fiction. See you soon.
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Old 02-19-2006, 07:45 PM   #185
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
I'll make a deal with you, JK-707. If you'll send a full copy to my e-mail, I'll do it during this next week. Otherwise we're looking at another month.
Cool, but I don't have your emial

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Old 02-19-2006, 09:59 PM   #186
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^Click on his user name and go to 'View public profile'. Then look for contact information and click on something like 'send and email to machievelli'.


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 02-20-2006, 01:43 PM   #187
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Yeah, but it said that he requested not to have his email or something like that.

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Old 02-21-2006, 01:10 AM   #188
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JK, I don't know why it did that. So just for all of you that might want to use the same excuse...
i think that everybody that needs to see your email has seen it. so, as per forum rules, email addresses have been deleted from this post. just a friendly reminder. -stingerhs

To use Jow from your own avatar BRING IT ON!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by stingerhs; 02-25-2006 at 12:47 AM.
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Old 02-21-2006, 01:14 AM   #189
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Just sent it. Have fun!

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Old 02-21-2006, 01:40 PM   #190
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Could you review my Fic, 'It has no name'?
Thanks!

-Llama
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Old 02-21-2006, 07:03 PM   #191
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzyllama
Could you review my Fic, 'It has no name'?
Thanks!

-Llama
Of course I'll review it Hope it's good

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Old 02-21-2006, 07:45 PM   #192
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Thanks!


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Old 02-24-2006, 10:33 AM   #193
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Coruscant Entertainment center

The Lost Tales of Revan

JediMaster12

Set in the period before The Phantom Menace; New revelations about the Revan of old.

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it is because JM is feeling her way in the story. The idea is old (Revenge done much later) but well done up to this point.
The only stumble I had was the villain talking as if it were he that had been betrayed, rather than an ancestor.

Darth Vader Evolved
killwithhonor
An alternate reality story. Anakin Skywalker, the ex Darth Vader teaches a new Jedi master as a Sith lord creates Jedi clones.

The writing is stilted, the dialogue needs work. Primarily it needs as I have said over and over, editing and grammar. Looks good for a first work.


Jorran Corral - The Chronicles Of A Jedi
Potsie

Before KOTOR I. Fifty years earlier, Exar Kun rises.

Youíre making the same mistakes as before, Potsie. Slow down, donít jump around from scene to scene so oddly, and remember that working with someone else's universe, your reader might not know the people youíre introducing.
One minor aside. Except for Vandar (Whose race is especially long lived) all of the other masters named from the game would have more likely been students. After all, your humble critic would have been 3 fifty years ago.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater



I'm Your Angel
The Prism

The consummation of Anakinís marriage to Padme

The only problem I saw with this was editing. The Prism shows the inner workings of a young man infatuated with his bride very well. Anakinís machinations in getting his new wife to where he can consummate the marriage are interesting and almost sweet.


Fringe Benefits
Zane Marit

A Tale of the Jedi Purge. Two Jedi with a secret that can destroy the newly formed Empire hide at Nar Shadaa

Another of Zaneís work, and deeper than most he has done. An excellent exposition on the problems of being a hunted fugitive, and why a hunted Jedi must try to blend in. He still tends to jump from present to past tense and back, but he is improving.

Star Wars: Reborn,
kevin31

9 years after the fall of Grand Admiral Thrawn.

As the New Republic staggers toward their future, one of Thrawnís protťgť's throws a 2000 ship spanner into the gears.
After a rocky start (Too much being covered) the work smoothes out. A well-written fleet action in the middle of chapter 2 makes up for every flaw.

However Kevin wrote this same story three times. Back when I originally began critiquing, I started to critique a story named Reclamation. This is the exact same story, just an older version.


From Kotorfanmedia


Once Upon a Wroshyr Treetop
rose07

As Katrina (Revanís alter-ego) sits up with her baby daughter, her mind goes back to the first kiss.

Rose has graced my reviews before, and as long as she turns out quality work like this, she always will. There are 23 thumbs up on the story, and I have to add mine.


Trust a Snake to Act Like a Snake?
xenzen

After the Star Forge, Revan fears she hasnít changed.
An excellent piece by xenzen who has yet to earn a nasty comment from me.


Dark Redemption
Scythe404
An exile Revan on Coruscant.
Scythe seems to have tried something I have never seen before. The first seven chapters according to kotorfanmedia were male revans, but chapters 8 and 9 are female.
Maybe they were misfiled. It does happen.
But Scythe's style makes up for any fault I could find.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-25-2006, 12:18 AM   #194
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Thanks machievelli. You reminded me of my other fan fic. Most of my energy is devoted to Heart of the Guardian and one other. Thanks for the review and you've inspired me to finish it. Thanks.

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Old 02-25-2006, 02:56 AM   #195
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Thanks machievelli. I think everyone makes mistakes. Otherwise we wouldn't be finished. Like JediMaster12 said, I might finish that as well.
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Old 03-05-2006, 03:38 AM   #196
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Sorry everyone. It seems I must have forgotten to post my review on friday. Consider me rebuked.


Coruscant Entertainment center


Darth Insurgo - Heir To The Sith
Potsie

Before and during the beginning to Phantom Menace. Another young Sith works to become master.

Youíre making the same mistakes as before, Potsie. A novel or story is not like a movie. Movies have to be fast paced because the audience isnít going to sit still forever. But I have sat in one place for several hours reading a good book.
Again, slow down. Lead the reader, donít drag him.
All in all a good concept, and an interesting underside view of what occurred in Phantom Menace.

The Mandalorian Apprentice
Reclaimer

Set in the KOTOR era. A Mandalorian Jedi is hunted by bounty hunters.

Except for spelling and grammar errors, this is pretty good. The biggest problems I had were minor. One, where in the Mandalore code does it say you cannot be a Jedi? The average warrior code praises a warrior for discovering and using new talents, and a warrior code places someone who defends those unable to defend themselves higher than one who battle only for gain.

Second, and I have to agree with JM12 on this, why place a bounty on an entire race?

Other than those, great work, and I want to see more.

Ebon Hawk Pranksters
CountVerilucus

Set during KOTOR, the crew decides on a plan to get Bastila to lighten up.

I was amused almost instantly with this little piece. The set up for the prank was outstanding, and using HK as the straight man was choice.
Check your grammar and spelling. Other than that, thumbs way up, kid.



Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Star Wars: The New Empire
Grand Admiral Thrawn

Another splinter of the Empire strikes out 29 years after the battle of Endor.

Except for grammar and spelling, i saw nothing wrong with it.
One reviewer on the site gave him flak for having an Admiral that expected people to call him Chief Master Sergeant. When i read it I merely considered the military mentality. Most grab the highest rank they ever achieve, such as Custer wanting to be called General even after that rank was no longer his. The character earned CMS, and feels that anything else was given to him.
Well done, and I am sorry he stopped after two chapters.

The chronicles of the sith
Lord LeHack

The start of a young Sithís path.

The biggest problem is that LeHack forgets to have conversation breaks in his writing, and some grammar punctuation and spelling problems. No biggie.
I enjoyed the idea of seeing the actual Sith species for the first time, but the timing left a lot to be desired. There is no timeline on when Korriban was originally settled, and whether that first settlement was human or Sith. The Essential Chronology and the previous books imply almost a thousand years between the first incursions by the Sith species, and the break away Jedi joining them. Yet he has compressed it (In my opinion) into a period of fifty odd years.


The Voyage Home
Tresk Imínel

Set four years after the battle of Yavin concurrent with the Rogue Squadron books. Two people find love among the ravages of the civil war.

Treskís first work according to other reviewers is definitely worth reading. They style is a bit stilted, and needs some work, but that is just polishing rather than a major rewrite.


From Kotorfanmedia

Revanís Gift
Allronix

Set during the interim between KOTOR and KOTOR II. Three years after Revan left her crew to travel alone, Mission finds a gift.

The style is clean and well rounded. The story excellent. 15 readers on the site gave Allronix a thumbs up, and they are well deserved.



After the Fall
athenaprime

After the Star Forge is destroyed, Nouri (Revan) mourns the loss of Bastila and her innocence.

Athena prime, like a lot of excellent writers, took the story yet another way. We are all working with the same basic ingredients, but having her main character mourning a brain dead Bastila, her love for Carth in tatters, and suffering from survivorís syndrome makes excellent reading. 24 readers gave this a thumb up.

Denouement
David Gaider

After the Star Forge is destroyed, and the Republic celebrates, Revan decides what she wants in life.

David Gaider is an anomaly among us. He works for Bioware, and wrote this piece at the request of fans he knew. He immediately disclaims a lot of things. He denigrates his own work more than the most vicious critic.
Yet 34 readers gave it a thumbs up. 21 reviewed it.
Not bad, eh?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-06-2006, 02:21 AM   #197
JediMaster12
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Hmm. I liked Pottsie's stories maybe it's because I can visualize it as I read. Still i think you are fair in judgement mach. Keep it up.

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Old 03-08-2006, 11:19 AM   #198
Vladimir-Vlada
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I don't want to sound like that I am whining but:

Did anyone find my dialogues sort of... unnatrual and forced? I get that feeling as I read my fan fiction, the conversations don't seem so natrual as I wanted them to be. Does anyone share my opinion? Or am I just overreacting?
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Old 03-09-2006, 11:44 AM   #199
Ztalker
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No, i have the same problem.

English isn't my native speech, and although i can speak it quit well, i can;t write it correctly. This way, i use whole different words then i would use in my own language, just because i don;t know the apopriate word.

You'll see the sentence aboe is filled with grammatical mistakes, and i didn't do it on purpose ^^

This way, i also have a feeling that when i write, i just can't...capture the right feeling of a dialogue, like you pointed out.

So i just keep the dialogues as simple as i can ^^

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Old 03-09-2006, 12:05 PM   #200
Vladimir-Vlada
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Even though you believe that you can't capture the right feeling of the dialogue, they still sound normal. When I read your dialogues, I find them pretty good and interesting. While when I read mine, I get the feeling that they are too focused on the subject and they seem unnatrual, forced and very uncreative. And yes, I find it much easier to make dialogues in my native language.
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