lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar
View Poll Results: have I been honest and not overly critical?
Keep it up! 127 78.40%
Maybe a little slack 17 10.49%
Tighten up the restrictions 10 6.17%
go away 15 9.26%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 162. You may not vote on this poll


Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 04-05-2006, 03:00 AM   #241
RaV™
I Came I Saw I Conquered
 
RaV™'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: On Top Of The World Baby
Posts: 1,490
I'd really like to see your criticising of my future works


http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/6469/ssigvv2.gif
Changed pic to link. Please find a sig pic that is in line with our sig rules, 500X120 and 80kb max, Forum Rules. ~ SWK Staff
RaV™ is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-05-2006, 10:02 AM   #242
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Wow. I usually start ten and then finish them depending on the mood I am in. This week it is a textbook on GIS and samurai sword techniques along with some fanfics.
I guess we are in the same boat in terms of read load eh mach?
My thing is when I am working on something I sometimes do a lot of research. I have been working off and on on a book about war crimes and in the past three months have read three based about the Civil War, two about the Boer War, seven books about WWI, three about WWII, and am now reading one about Korea.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-05-2006, 10:04 AM   #243
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RaV™
I'd really like to see your criticising of my future works
Too quote Mr. Incredible, 'we get there when we get there'.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-07-2006, 11:18 AM   #244
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

An Inverse of Stars: Part One
PazaakPrincess

An Alternate ending to KOTOR

An excellent work by this new writer. The problems are the same as I dun into all of you. reread and rewrite. This needs so little revision I hated to actually tell her to do anything with it.

The death and rebirth of Taris
Maverick5770

The aftermath of Taris as people struggle out of the wreckage.

Kid, the same thing I tell everyone here. First, concentrate on what you are trying to portray, then write a little bit slower. Reread your work and use your spelling checker.

On the whole, it is an excellent start. I was surprised that Zelka survived, but hey, it’s you’re story not mine. The pulling together in adversity tone you have taken portrays one possibility in any disaster. What I want is more of it to read.


Vader's Trial
sithlordsadique

Five years after the Revenge of the Sith. Darth Vader faces his worst enemy, his own mind...

Except for spelling and minor grammatical errors, there is nothing to say against this work. I didn’t even notice how far I had gotten in it until I ran out of story to read.

Now THAT is what a story is supposed to do!


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

A Lust For Blood-
Grand Admiral Thrawn

Set concurrent with the events of SW A New Hope: A Tusken Raider finds a niche in Galactic Society...

From the third Paragraph, I was hooked. The style is clean needing only proofreading and editing. The subject matter excellent. Well Done!

Lightsaber Battle
Luvien

A very short lightsaber battle. No time set.

The piece is too short to really judge. The style is good, but there is nothing to tell you who what or why. I was dissatisfied for that reason alone.

Palpatine, From humble beginnings
Jacen Solo

During the events of The Phantom menace from Palpatine’s journal.

This is Jacen Solo’s second time in the spotlight, and as before, his style is good. All he needs to do is edit, proofread, and remember conversation breaks. An interesting idea well done.


kotorfanmedia


Knights of Redemption
Soser

KOTOR Alternate Universe: An additional main character spices the mix.

By adding an additional character Soser has rewritten the entire story. In a lot of cases, this would be a bad thing, but the story is excellent, the character well considered before his addition. All is all an excellent read.

Last Farewell
mellyna

Set somewhere during the interim of KOTOR II. Revan says goodbye to the Ebon Hawk

This is the second time mellyna has graced my maundering. The piece is short but sweet. Too short to really satisfy, but well done.

The Coming Darkness, Prologue
Darth Kronos

A Dark Jedi Master contemplates the universe.

Darth Kronos has given us a view of the universe that is not unique, but well considered. What if the bad guys in all of our star wars stories, all of Lucas’ stories were trying to save the galaxy, not destroy it? DK only looks at Exar Kun and Revan, but it is a thought provoking read.
My biggest problem with adding this to my work load is I honestly don’t have time to hunt down and read every bit of the works I have enjoyed.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-09-2006, 01:09 AM   #245
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
Ok, I emailed you copies of my trilogy, incase you haven't checked your email yet, old man.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-09-2006, 01:31 AM   #246
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Shall I react as you did with kid?

Saw the e-mail, downloaded it to my computer so I can read it. As promised, I will read and review it in the next posting, okay?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-09-2006, 09:47 AM   #247
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Shall I react as you did with kid?
Well, that was the joke. But, don't worry I'll not going to do that anymore.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-09-2006, 12:51 PM   #248
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
No worries, Alkonium.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 12:19 PM   #249
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
14 April

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Mysterious Killer
Jedi Knight 707

Against the backdrop of a galactic plague, the few Jedi remaining try to hold society together.

The style is good, the basic story a staple of fiction. The characters could be fleshed out more, but that is the only real complaint I have.

Rescue from Mustafar
Triumph of the Republic
and
Fall of the Sith
Alkonium

After a slightly acrimonious discussion, I agreed to review all of these together as one work rather than separately.

On the whole the basic idea is excellent, This would be an excellent body of work and a jewel in the crown of the site if Alkonium would edit, and slow down a bit on the action. The description could use some work, but that is polishing.

I know exactly what he is doing wrong because I did the same thing before he was born. It took me a decade to get past this because no one was willing to tell me I was doing it wrong.

Alar, mercenary for hire
Dark Lord Cheez

A bumbling assassin tries to remember who he is supposed to kill on Kashyyyk.

I wasn’t sure whether to shake my head in shock or laugh. He himself says it’s unfinished, and he’s right. He needs at least a few hundred more pages.

What he did write however is very good. The bad guy that can’t remember is not a regular staple of fiction, but when done well, it makes for funny reading.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater


The End To The Sith,
Manveru

The climactic battle between Exar Kun and the Jedi.

The work needs to be edited. The author needs to learn about dialogue breaks.

The story itself was too short to judge from, but if I remember correctly didn’t Exar Kun kill master Vodo Baas?

Attack on Coruscant
Bonestorm471

Just before Revenge of the Sith. The climactic battle of Coruscant seen through the eyes of the Jedi defenders

The problem with the piece is the writer is trying to cover too much ground too quickly. Again it is that ‘movie converted to page’ attitude. The piece reads like a series of movie scenes, but fail to capture the full majesty of such an assault.

lightsaber battle
Dvfurlong

No time period given. A battle between master and padawan.

The work needs editing and dialogue breaks. The descriptive writing needs work, but on the whole well done.

The piece was left open ended, and the author awaits people who wish to direct which way the story will go.


kotorfanmedia


Old Friends and New Beginnings

aphv

After the Star Forge. Carth hunts down the woman he loves.

The piece is bittersweet, and poignant. The writing style is clean and the scene well thought out.

It’s My Life
wtftastic

After the battle of the Star Forge, Revan makes an interesting choice.

There have been few stories written from Canderous’ viewpoint so far. This was one I thoroughly enjoyed. Too little has been written about the Mando way, and the author captured small pieces of it and set them delicately into place. Very well done.


Hatred
Rhiannon

Set between KOTOR I and II. The Exile tastes the bitterness of her lot and plans her revenge.

The story was captivating, and again I wish I had the time to read everything every good writer has posted, and not just what I need for a review. This author would be worth the time.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 03:00 PM   #250
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
After thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree with you about my stories, which is why I'm redoing them, with no mistakes, a lot more detail, and a few minor changes to the plot, although the Republic-Yuuzhan Vong Alliance and the human-Twi'lek romance still stand.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 04:50 PM   #251
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Neither of those bothered me as I told you privately.
I don't know if there is a genetic compatability issue or not, but since Twi-lek females appear to be built approxomately the same, I see no problem there.

As for the alliance, I can see it as a brief thing, because there hasn't been enough time for an actual full fledged alliance to have occurred. However the actions in the story as written would have gone far toward cementing one.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 05:02 PM   #252
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Neither of those bothered me as I told you privately.
I know that, but some people had a problem with the Republic-Yuuzhan Vong Alliance, and I'm betting more than a few people had a problem with the Human-Twi'lek romance.
PS: I hope humans and Twi'leks are actually genetically combatible, since you know what happens inbetween TOTR and FOTS and at the end of FOTS.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 05:22 PM   #253
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Most people don't realize that alliances are made things. The attack by the droids would have ticked them off enough to bring out the Yuuzhan Vong, and if the Republic helped, I could see an eventual true alliance rather than joining for one brief operation or campaign.

As you genetic comatability, did you read the first chapter of my KOTOR novel? I think a good geneticist would be able to blend the two species sufficiently to produce a child. Maybe the Ithorians...

As for the Kamino, I expect a lot of the surviving Clone warriors will follow the lead of their teacher Kal Skirata, and hunt the buggers into extinction.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 05:42 PM   #254
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
As for the Kamino, I expect a lot of the surviving Clone warriors will follow the lead of their teacher Kal Skirata, and hunt the buggers into extinction.
I agree, but by 65-67 ABY, all of the clones would be dead, as they'd be around ninety years old, and then take into accound that they age twice as fast as normal humans, so it's not really an issue, plus the Sith took control of the clone facilities in the story anyway.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 05:47 PM   #255
Hallucination
Baron von Sexy
 
Hallucination's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 3,875
Current Game: HKO closed beta
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
As you genetic comatability, did you read the first chapter of my KOTOR novel? I think a good geneticist would be able to blend the two species sufficiently to produce a child. Maybe the Ithorians...
Umm.... Ewww..... I feel sorry for your family.....
And is 'comatability' how easy is it is to put someone in (or for someone to be put into) a coma?


Let's kill ourselves.
Hallucination is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 08:19 PM   #256
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination
Umm.... Ewww..... I feel sorry for your family.....
And is 'comatability' how easy is it is to put someone in (or for someone to be put into) a coma?
As for the crossbreeding, what about Mr Spock, you git?

And as for my misspelling of compatability...:P


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 09:42 PM   #257
Hallucination
Baron von Sexy
 
Hallucination's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 3,875
Current Game: HKO closed beta
^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd....


Let's kill ourselves.
Hallucination is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2006, 09:51 PM   #258
Alkonium
To Mend and Defend
 
Alkonium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Divinity's Reach
Posts: 3,883
Current Game: Guild Wars 2
Roleplayer Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination
^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd....
Yeah, although coincidentally, I was originally planning on having Hethra(the only Jedi in the trio who was single) to be married to the Ithorian Republic Officer, but the guy who I based him off of was scared by this, so I decided against it. And besides, the only interspecies woohooing in my story was with a male human and a female Twi'lek, which I think works(if you want pictures, look at JediMaster12's thread Concept Drawings), and I'm not too sure what combination mach did in his story.
PS: Although this doesn't come up at all in the story, I was planning on the character of Alkonium Kaltas being the descendant of an LSM Revan by the name of Kale Kaltas.

Alkonium is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-15-2006, 12:43 AM   #259
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination
^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd....

The Ithorians are the galaxy's top geneticists after the Kamino


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-15-2006, 01:37 AM   #260
Hallucination
Baron von Sexy
 
Hallucination's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 3,875
Current Game: HKO closed beta
Oh... Now I understand... I though you were talking about half-Ithorians, half-something else. *shivers at the thought of it*


Let's kill ourselves.
Hallucination is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-15-2006, 12:03 PM   #261
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Nah.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-19-2006, 07:12 PM   #262
Sith at Peace
Rookie
 
Sith at Peace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Utapau
Posts: 56
Hi I'm kind of new here and I've just started on my first thread, would you please review it as soon as possible, thanks.
Sith at Peace is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-19-2006, 11:31 PM   #263
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sith at Peace
Hi I'm kind of new here and I've just started on my first thread, would you please review it as soon as possible, thanks.
I will tell you what I tell everyone, kid. I started at the first post chronologically, and have been working forward. It is the only way to be fair.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-21-2006, 11:33 AM   #264
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
21 April

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Try this fic!
Revan Skywalker

The crew of Ebon Hawk prepare to search for Revan.

The style is choppy, needing polishing to smooth it out. The basic story is what you would expect. All in all interesting.

A General's Grief
Ztalker

Set before A Hew Hope. Ben Kenobi must face both the Imperials and another enemy.

The author is Dutch and does have some problems with English, though they are minor. As I said of others before, I can’t be too critical of such a problem knowing only the one language. The work is a bit stilted, but part of that I believe stems from using a language other than his own. The primary problem with the work is he doesn’t use conversation breaks, but that is something that can easily be corrected.

Keep it up kid! It’s all right so far.

Nic and Jana: A Mercenary's Tale
starmark2k

Set during the Imperial Period. A pair of unlikely associates team up.

The story is addictive, and easy to read. The biggest problems are editing and some words used incorrectly (Strait as in tight being used instead of Straight, that kind of thing) but nothing that polishing and reediting won’t cure.

All in all worth the time.


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

Star Wars Episode VII, Mission To Jenka
numah1fan

Set about two years after the Thrawn Trilogy.

In script form, and very short, about three scenes worth. Until he writes more, I am not going to comment further on it.

Secrets of the valley of the dark lords
darth scourge

Set as part of the Jedi Medic Series. A young Jedi meets a Sith Lord

The style is choppy and there are no conversation breaks, a pet peeve of mine. The introduction was well written, though a Sith Lord who expects total obedience and is surprised if the apprentice attacks him doesn‘t deserve to survive as a Sith.

Force Fugitive, An Alternate World

Darth Badman

An alternate universe tale. Vader rejoins his wife then undertakes an attempt on the Emperor’s life.

This is the fourth time Darth Badman has been reviewed by me. Except for the old continued penchant for long convoluted paragraphs, this is a good piece.


kotorfanmedia

Almost Dawn
Allronix

A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan in

This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better.

The End User Strikes Back

JediDWH

The title says it all.

The idea of stepping into a story or game is pandemic. the book ‘At Swims Two Birds’ by Turlough O’Brien had a scene where a writer’s characters get together to assassinate the author. Robert Heinlien’s last three books before his death The Number of the Beast ‘The ‘Cat Who Walked Through Walls’ and ‘To Sail Beyond the Sunset’ were based on characters trying to take control of their lives from their authors.

The term end user means the person that buys the program, and having them as a protaganist in the story is like having the author stick his nose in to edit while the charcaters watch.

This had me giggling. Turning the cockpit purple to shock Carth, then crashing the code with the character watching were both choice. I wish yet again that I had time to read all of someone’s work.

The Way Things Were
Amoinete

In an alternate universe, Revan goes back into the past to push herself to the dark side.

The style is good, the story excellently written. While the subject matter bothered me slightly, I still enjoyed it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-28-2006, 12:09 PM   #265
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Critical Mass
HerbieZ

A look into the angst of Bao’Dur

The piece is short, needs editing, and needs some study of what does and does not happen in warfare.

However the internal questioning, the view of the person wondering how his life would have changed if things had been different as a child. That was outstanding.

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea... Broken Galaxy
Xbx inthusiast

Before the events in KOTOR.

When a writer starts to enthrall his reader, the first thing he has to watch for is things that will cause them to trip, removing the ‘suspension of reality’ which is the entire reason for fiction. Xbx did that here when a character was described as ‘the best since Yoda’

The problem is, if it is the Yoda we all know and love, he won’t be born for about 3100 years, since by the introduction, this is during the last few months before Revan is taken down. Or perhaps Revan has gone dark again. That was unclear. Another person who has read it said to slow down, and I agree. It can be fast paced, but if you jump perspectives and characters too fast, you lose the reader. On a technical (Military) note, I don’t think fighters are hyper capable yet, so unless starfighter is a type...

All in all a good try, needing the usual editing polishing, rereading, author angst etc.

Star Wars The New Trilogy
darth traya 321

Set after KOTOR II I assume. The opposing sides search for a force user on Tatooine.

First off, the piece is short, so I can’t really judge the style and how well the story will turn out. However there are glaring problems that need editing.

First, double negatives. They are almost never proper in a work, at least in English. Second redundancies. An unknown ship is pretty much by definition not ‘one of ours’. Unless it is an entirely new design, the Republic would be able to determine whether it is an enemy vessel.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

The Duel, Very short story...
Zane Marit

A very short saber duel.

Zane seems to excel at the short piece, which any writer can tell you is harder than it looks. This was well conceived, and well written.

A Weapon of Hate,

Zane Marit

Darth Maul short. A little training scenario.

Zane has again done very well. The scene was clearly done, and the action crisp and natural. All in all excellent work.


Misconceptions, Journal entries of Thorak Tal
Zane Marit

From the peasants point of view.

From comments made from time to time through the movies and books, the Jedi have always been believed to be magicians, and like the Judeo-Christian stereotype, considered inherently evil. At least to those we would define as peasants.

This work is excellent. I assume it was right after the events in Revenge of the Sith because of the actions and orders given to the troops who are still called Republic. We don’t know the name of the Jedi, the woman he rescues, or even the village or planet where it occurs. But it is compelling in it’s telling.

kotorfanmedia


Provocation
Yggdrasil

A quiet night aboard the ship during KOTOR... NOT

Ygdrassil write very well when serious, and in script form, this is outstanding and funny. It reads like a family dealing with that one person you’re related to, and can’t stand at the same time. 17 readers gave this a thumbs up.

Destruction

LordRevan

The flight from Taris aboard the Ebon Hawk.

The scenes are stark and frightening. You can almost hear the bolts striking, the people dying. Once off the planet it went a bit too fast, but it is still compelling.

Skin Deep

Eliavyn

After the escape from the Leviathan, Revan faces what has been done to her, and what she might have been

The author says this is a first work, and my question is; Why have you waited so long? I thought the angst period in my own work was overblown, but the author even delves into ‘why didn’t they just fix what was wrong and leave me as me?’

Excellent!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 04-28-2006 at 12:20 PM. Reason: typo
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-05-2006, 11:11 AM   #266
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Journal of General Blise
Arvik

No specific era given. A Young boy becomes a Jedi Prophet.

The story is very short, one short chapter and only half of the second. Beyond the characters there is little beyond the boy’s skill. I will review it if he does a bit more.


Star Wars Outer Rim War : Sith Frontline
Dark Woman

A Young Sith passes his initiation.

There isn’t much here, but as she has pointed out, she is working on others simultaneously. The style is a bit stilted, but with polishing will glow.

Star Wars: KOTOR - Rebirth
urbanknight

Eight months after KOTOR II. The Jedi rebuild, assisted by the renewed Exile.

The biggest problem with the piece is that the writer keeps forgetting conversation breaks. It is dry reading at the start because after all it is mainly fixing what is wrong. I didn’t get a chance to read very far, all of you that have read my column know why, but it is worth a glance



The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

Choices Made

Zane Marit

Ten years after Revenge of the Sith. A Jedi in hiding must fight to protect her child. Or is it a trap?


Zane has always created some of the most interesting story line, and he has done it again. It is reminiscent of the old ‘gunfighter having to fight one last time’ stories of western fame.

My episode III parody, Satire of Revenge of the Sith
jawaewokgungan

A scripted parody of the movie,

The author obviously has read old fashioned scripts, and taken his style from them. The writing is sheer satire but there are some choice scenes in it. Anakin dreaming that Jar-Jar dying, and Yoda reply ‘Your nightmare, for everyone else a dream come true’.

A destiny changed
Zane Marit

Begins with slaughter at Jedi Temple (EP III) ends at Mos Eisley Cantina. A fallen Jedi gets a second chance.

He made some mistakes, mainly a conversation break was needed and not put in, but that is minor. The story is a short, but excellent.

Everyone assumes that all the Jedi died, especially the young ones. Zane has captured the descent of one of them, the boy who answered Kenobi’s question in Attack of the Clones, through the intervening years.

kotorfanmedia

Shadowlands
strict31

The world of Taris seen, through the eyes of a new arrival named Zaalbar.

The story is excellent, the plot perfect. Seeing the world through the eyes of not only Zaalbar but Canderous and Calo Nord is interesting.

Finding A Way
Jiara

Follows the escape from Leviathan. Carth has to deal with his feelings for the woman he knows, and the hatred he has for Revan as well.

Jiara is no stranger to these pages, and I hope she always has something else for me to see. The irritation of the crew with Carth, the argument in the cargo hold between him and Revan, even Canderous’ laughter and HK’s sarcasm is choice. 31 readers gave it a thumbs up. Add mine.

Mandalore
Dinah Lance

Canderous remembers the events of KOTOR.

It starts out a little vague, but as soon as you recognize Canderous’ talking it not only clicks, it flows

This is DL’s second time in these pages, and like Jiara above, it just gets better. 27 readers gave this a thumbs up.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 01:46 AM   #267
The_Catto
The Rhythm Schism
 
The_Catto's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New South Wales, Australia.
Posts: 1,199
Current Game: KotOR
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
hey, whenever you get up to this requestm could you possibly have a gander at mine and put your 2 cents worth on mine? thanks if you will eventually, oh well no worry if not

The_Catto is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 09:54 AM   #268
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
As I tell everyone, there are three ways you get reviewed. One is to be next up in the queue starting from the bottom. Second is I can review it, send you a copy and post it when we get there. The last is I review it, save a copy, then give you a blow-by blow of what needs to be done to fix it. Your choice, because unless you delete it, I will review it eventually.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 10:22 AM   #269
Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
 
Jae Onasi's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,912
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
Alderaan News Holopics contributor Helpful! LucasCast staff Veteran Fan Fic Author 
Machievelli, would you consider a 'how do I get reviewed' sticky?


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 10:27 AM   #270
Darth333
Administraterror
 
Darth333's Avatar
 
Status: Administrator
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: In my secret dungeon...
Posts: 8,292
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Machievelli, would you consider a 'how do I get reviewed' sticky?
That is one option. I could also edit the forum rules and the other stickies to include something about this.

Just let me know what you guys prefer.
Darth333 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 10:30 AM   #271
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Actually oh super mod, it is what is easier for you.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-11-2006, 10:43 AM   #272
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alkonium
and I'm not too sure what combination mach did in his story.
I did it when my main character (Female) imagined what would happen if she had bonded with the girl Kalendra. If this worries you read the chapter in question in the first posting. I can see a modern geneticist trying to create a combination of the DNA of two people and even two species, and she was considering their children. The Republic, especially the Ithorians and Kamino could have done it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 10:23 AM   #273
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

An Inverse of Stars: Part One
An Inverse of Stars: Part Two
An Inverse of Stars: Part Three
PazaakPrincess

Last month I reviewed the first part of this, and since II and III were back to back, I decided to give her the Alkonium treatment. Review all three simultaneously. I repeat what I said before. Edit and rewrite to smooth it out. You are keeping my interest, and only those little things stop it from being as great ride. You started to clean it up more in part 3 and I now am wishing you had done part four. You’re doing good work.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Sith Teachings
BastilaShanWeb

After KOTOR I And II, As the Republic tries to fight against the Sith, a Jedi Padawan searches for a missing Jedi.

On the whole an excellent piece. The only problem I saw was the author knows little of the military, even going so far as to call a converted merchantman a ‘navigational’ ship. This was written before we created the Expert Forum, and I suggest looking at that section.

Betrayal and Retribution: Perceived Reality
Stingerhs

Prequel to Betrayal and Retribution

The style needs some work, and he forgets conversation breaks. Nothing a little editing won’t handle and since he himself admits he’s posting without editing, I see no reason to ding him on it.

The idea of showing some of the byplay including propaganda is excellent. All we saw in the movies was the build up to the war, then the climactic battle with a three year gap. We never really got the chance to see the political and media end of it. All in all an excellent work.


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

Forgiveness, Anakin Skywalker's thoughts as he died....
Padme-Skywalker

The last thoughts of Darth Vader

I honestly could not find a thing wrong with it. But...

Re-read rewrite, and always edit! There my nasty side is satisfied.

There was fulsome praise on the Galactic Senate for this work. I agree with them.

Jedi Destinies, The saga from another point of view.

JLX-1138

The title says it all. Beginning at Phantom Menace

I had only one problem with the work, and that was the text was all done centered. A minor thing and I sent the author a question to ask why. As on Lucasforum where I post most often she wanted an obvious difference in the dialogue portion. There are spelling errors, and some editing problems, but nothing that detracts from the storyline.

The biggest problem with any story is any reader with a bit of talent as a storyteller is critiquing how it was done, and seeing where things could have been different. I have always judged a story and the author by exactly how easily I can figure out what will happen next. If they surprise pleasantly (The story does not do what I expected next, but it worked well) I enjoy it even more. JLX did this with me at least twice, so I have to say, Well Done!


EPIII Parody, Come in and read, we'll get together, have a few laughs

Javen

While short, covering only one segment (The rescue of Palpatine) the script is good and the back story funny. In case you like Anakin don’t know the word, ‘immacually’ means cleanly.




kotorfanmedia


The Watchmen of Deralia
JediDHW

Briane Moran (Revan) muses on her past.

A very well done vignette into the past Revan remembers. I had fun with her molding Gizka out of her synthesizer slush.


Faith
Allronix

KOTOR II, Darth Traya hides behind the scenes, controlling a Dark Exile.

Allronix is back for the sixth time showing his darker side with this one. The backbiting tone of the work, arguing with someone that is trapped and unable to answer is so perfect.

For Honor
Marin Dakari

The confrontation between Jagi and Canderous from KOTORI.

As a reader I enjoyed it. As an author, this scene has always left me cold. Perhaps I just think there was a more light side way to end it. Look for it if I ever write a KOTOR II novel.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Darth333; 05-12-2006 at 04:16 PM.
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 10:50 AM   #274
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
darth, Help! edited 3 times, and it still didn't work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 03:13 PM   #275
stingerhs
Follow the Wolves
 
stingerhs's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: between my ears
Posts: 4,641
Current Game: Dead Space
Forum Veteran Roleplayer LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
just a note: Percieved Reality is not a prequel to the first one. it's a sequel. thanks for the review, though.


See the struggle of the faithless lot as they negate their time
How low to sink to the depths of their frame of mind

stingerhs is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 04:18 PM   #276
Darth333
Administraterror
 
Darth333's Avatar
 
Status: Administrator
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: In my secret dungeon...
Posts: 8,292
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
darth, Help! edited 3 times, and it still didn't work.
Fixed! (here and on the website)

There was an extra ] in the second url.
Darth333 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 04:22 PM   #277
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
You never answered the question Darth; You want me to write a 'how to get reviewed' postie?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 04:23 PM   #278
Darth333
Administraterror
 
Darth333's Avatar
 
Status: Administrator
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: In my secret dungeon...
Posts: 8,292
ok, that would be fine
Darth333 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-12-2006, 04:24 PM   #279
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,828
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
All right. My next post


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-18-2006, 12:07 PM   #280
Ztalker
Saving the world casually
 
Ztalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Normandy SR-2
Posts: 2,780
Forum Veteran 
Sorry for the slow reaction on my review...i'm in the middle of my exams, i'm working, etc etc...

I'm realy thankfull for your review, and positive feedback.
I'm trying what i can to fix my language problem (have to learn for English anyway), and i'm now experimenting with writing down spontaneous ideas, and the like. It realy works for me, and i'll soon finish the Generals Grief fic...after those darn examns ><

Ztalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Critic's 2 cents

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:12 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.