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Old 05-18-2006, 02:43 PM   #281
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ztalker
Sorry for the slow reaction on my review...i'm in the middle of my exams, i'm working, etc etc...

I'm realy thankfull for your review, and positive feedback.
I'm trying what i can to fix my language problem (have to learn for English anyway), and i'm now experimenting with writing down spontaneous ideas, and the like. It realy works for me, and i'll soon finish the Generals Grief fic...after those darn examns ><
As I said, I can't do more than curse in Dutch (Not well) so I cut you slack, pointing just to style. Want to see more.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-19-2006, 11:27 AM   #282
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Star Wars Ancient Times - The Rain Of Apocalypse Ė
Jedi Master Alo

A dream of the first lightsaber.

First, Jae gave some good advice. Mine would be to check your spelling, and stick with one version either American or English standard. Sabre and Saber spring to mind.
The only problem I had with the story really was the comment about a Jedi Ď2 million years agoí. That would make the Jedi as an organization older than even the Rakata Race of KOTOR. I wonder why there wasnít some record that had been discovered. After all, they know approximately where this tomb is.

Now if you had said theyíd found a tomb that old with a Jedi sword...

Revan's Bloodline
ScieX

2000 Years after KOTOR, the Order looks for the newest generation of Revanís progeny.

All right, same drill as always people. Spelling and editing are needed.

I agree with several of the comments, in that the story is rushed, and having Jedi arrive on a planet with troops would probably set off alarm bells with the local governments. You mentioned it on Naboo, but think of it this way;

Imagine that the Jedi are like the Wiccans. Less than 50,000 all told. Now go smaller Asartu, or the Troth, which is less than 20,000 worldwide, mainly in Scandinavia. Letís say the Troth members have their own accepted infrastructure. Now two of them arrive in New York with a dozen armed Swedish troops.

What is wrong with this picture?

The other thing is someone with as much power as you have Ayro showing would have been detected by someone. Itís like a generator that has an electrical fault. It will show up on a diagnostic. The odds that the boy could run around using Jedi powers without being noticed by someone is vanishingly small.

Rate this chapter
Dark Woman

A Blind child learns of the force.

I have to repeat what Cutmeister said here. You tend to have disjointed ideas, and they show when you change perspectives especially. The work needs serious revision of grammar and spelling and requires fleshing out. Also, Melee is a type of fight, not a weapon. All a melee weapon means is something for up close and personal.

On the whole the idea is sound. But youíll have to work on it.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

Premonitions, Anakin's Story after ROTJ

Emperor Palpatine

After Return of the Jedi. The spirit of Anakin must learn to understand why he acted that way in life.

It is brief, not even a full first chapter, yet I canít find a thing wrong with it. So I will do my usual rant when that occurs. Edit, reread and rewrite!

The basic story is something most people havenít really looked at. If we all go to the force when we die, must we face the equivalent of being judged for our actions by the harshest possible judge? I am not talking about god; I am talking about ourselves using only blunt honesty. No rationalization, no lying to ourselves.

You said you were going to do more (Foot tapping impatiently) Where is it?

KOTOR 1.5, Events leading up to KOTOR II
Zane Marit


As the title states. Three years after KOTOR I

Come on, Zane give an old guy a break, do something wrong!

This is the 13th time Zane has been in my column if you count by just the number of stories. One of the most prolific by number rather than size. This is a longer work, and it had a smooth clean finish.

Sly Moores hair epedemic, Poor Sly

Emperor Cos Palpatine

Quite honestly there isnít enough to review, even so far as to tell you when it is set or why.

kotorfanmedia

After the Storm
NikkiD

A different look at the aftermath of the Leviathan Incident.

The only problem I had with the story is the pace and tone changed too rapidly for me. Not that this is a bad thing. I would have wanted a little more angst, or less. If you have read my section of this (Lucasforums) you will see what I mean.

Some Ships Donít Mix - KOTOR 3
kitten

Revan Returns.

Except for a slightly sarcastic tone it was excellent. There was little development of story in this section. No descriptive data except for some of the mess within the ship.

This is another one I wish I had time to read all the way through.


The Exileís ĎExilesí
jediprincess

The missions behind the core plot of KOTOR II. What the rest of the party is doing when the Exile herself is gone.
Another first timer, the way the story is well laid out and well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-26-2006, 11:47 AM   #283
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KOTOR III: The Wrath of War
Tysyacha

14 years after KOTOR II a Team led by Bastila and Canderous search for Revan.
Told from the viewpoint of the youngest member of the team.

The style is abrupt, and it looks more like a synopsis than a story. If it is not it has to be expanded, and tweaked. If it is a synopsis, the style is a little wordy.

Birth of Darth Hansen
Darth Hansen

Set after KOTOR I. A Padawan becomes a Sith.

Talk about abrupt! What I estimate would have been four pages slammed into a single paragraph. I donít know where to begin.

First, conversation breaks. It is considered proper to create a new paragraph every time you have a new speaker.

A standard paragraph is considered five sentences. Of course the person that created that model assumes a simple business type discussion. In fiction I have seen much longer ones and couldnít see a way to make the Ďgraphí shorter. The standard accepted measure is the idea. Once the specific idea is exhausted, you stop.

The action what I could glean of it, was standard, and acceptable.

Shadows and Twilight
DarthSion101

In the Interim between KOTOR I and II. As Revan searches, he has recurring nightmares of what might happen...

The is DSís second work, and while short is better than the first. You get the feeling of foreboding in the character clearly. It is short, and that is my primary complaint

http://www.galacticsenate.com/index....uscant theater


Star Wars: Letters from the Front
Darth Badman

A planned series of letters spanning the Clone wars and the Rebellion.

This is the fifth time I have reviewed DB, and this is the one place where his problem with creating paragraphs is actually a help. Letters hastily written by a boy on the battlefield is a staple of history, giving the reader a mere taste of what someone they care about is going through and no parent ever sent it back corrected and graded.

He only has two letters, both from soldiers on Yavin, both set during SW: A New Hope. A pity; I hoped for more.

Changing the ANH to tie into the PT (satire),
jawaewokgungan

Yet another wacky parody.

As a writer, I noticed, as have others, continuity breaks. Not major ones, but large enough if you see them. The author went back, remembering all of what happened in Phantom Menace, and rewrote A New Hope. A very funny read, since his main standard tagline throughout is;
CUT TO: Luke is attacked by sand people. Obi-Wan rescues him. He sees R2-D2 hiding.
BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend.
R2: Bleep-beep!
BEN: (shocked) R2-D2? I canít believe it. Long time no see.
R2: Beep!
BEN: What do you mean I havenít aged well?

Connecting TESB & ROTJ to the prequels (satre)
jawaewokgungan

The third parody;
This is the third review of the authors work, and it is just as silly as the others.
The author took The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, clumped them together, added everything you might have remembered from the new Trilogy, and shook well. There is always some scene in these works that tickles me;
YODA: You are reckless!
BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.
YODA: Hmmm. Again, I donít think so. Incompetent, maybe. Reckless, no.


http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&...]kotorfanmedia

Source of Origin: Chapter I
siempre

The events aboard Endar Spire from a drunken Revanís point of view.

The style is crisp and clean, the story well done, the combat scenes the flashing images you would expect from someone not tracking too well. This is siempreís second review, and it is the best I have seen from the author so far.

Could You Really?
JediDWH

During the battle aboard Leviathan; What went through Carthís mind?

This is JediDWHís second appearance in these pages, and like the first, it is a well done work. The interplay within someoneís mind is easy to do. All you need to do is write down every thought and memory it invokes. JediDWH does it here with Carth trying to reconcile Revan with who he sees. When done well, it is outstanding reading.

Red Vengeance - Interlude One: Repression
scythe404

When Revan returns during KOTOR II, things arenít as they were.

Part of me wanted to slap Carth myself reading this. I am willing to bet Carth distanced himself from his late wife before leaving for the same reason, but turnabout is not fair play obviously. Revan comes across tragically as someone so desperate to keep her love, that she will deny it. A very angst filled read. This is sythe404ís second appearance.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 05-26-2006 at 11:53 AM. Reason: malfunctioning url
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Old 05-27-2006, 01:31 AM   #284
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Do you review one shots? 'Cause I'd really like you to review the one I posted...

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Old 05-27-2006, 01:45 AM   #285
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707
Do you review one shots? 'Cause I'd really like you to review the one I posted...
After I went to all the trouble of posting a thread and getting it stickied...

I can review it sometime in the next week, and send you a copy. Do you want the full teacher one or just a 'this is what I'm going to say'?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-27-2006, 10:21 AM   #286
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I think you should just ignore people who ask for a review, Mach. Let them wait their turn. If they can't wait for you to review it, then they can just suffer. Quietly.
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Old 05-27-2006, 07:12 PM   #287
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I think you guys misread what I wrote. I don't want you to review it right now, I was just hoping to get your opinion. I didn't mean to sound rude, and if I did, I apologize. I was unsure of whether or not you critiqued one shots, because I was hoping that you did.

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Old 05-28-2006, 02:32 AM   #288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707
I think you guys misread what I wrote. I don't want you to review it right now, I was just hoping to get your opinion. I didn't mean to sound rude, and if I did, I apologize. I was unsure of whether or not you critiqued one shots, because I was hoping that you did.
I didn't take it as rude. I did offer when I first started to review if someone asked, though I don't post them until they come into my queue.

Quite honestly, I don't have time to read everything. In fact my reading has fallen to about five books a week because I am studying genetics texts for information on the human Genome for an erotic fantasy I am writing.

I will read it as soon as I can, and send you a PM of it. What I meant in mine was did you want me to review it as if i were teaching a class, or just what I am going to post?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-02-2006, 11:18 AM   #289
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The Jedi Bounty
Dark Woman

Set after ROTJ. A bounty hunter team goes after a target.

The piece was short, but there were several things I noticed. The work needs serious revision of grammar and spelling and requires fleshing out. The interplay between the team was excellent, but the dialogue is run together, and is confusing when read. The brief combat scene need revision, and I can see that you came into the writing from playing the game because you have the haphazard way of description such as how to lay out a series of bombs that would come with that. This is not a denigration. Some of the books done by TSR press were done by gamers who started writing. Watch a war movie such as a Bridge too far where they have the men ripping loose demo charges, then describe what you see.

Keep working on it!

Birth of Darth Hansen Part 2: An Earned Empire
Darth Hansen

Sequel to Birth of Darth Hansen. Darth Hansen is searching for the Exile.

Again the work is shoved together into a few paragraphs. There are no conversation breaks, and the style is confusing. One thing to remember is that it is extremely rare that two sides in a conflict will actually converse except between the commanders where civility even to an enemy is standard. When the lower ranks do, it is unlikely that you would exchange platitudes. It would be more on the level of insults.
The twist of having Bastilaís sister as the apprentice to the villain is an old saw, but works.

Legacy of Heros - Episode One
The Doctor

Before KOTOR: The young Jedi that will become infamous get ready for their trials.

Well done with grammar and editing problems, but nothing that canít be fixed. There is a sense of the calm before the storm but if you are reading this you probably have played the game so you undertsnd what I mean.

The only true criticism is that the slang dates it as modern to our era. I have the same problem in reverse with people using comments like Ďwomp ratsí who never even came close to Tatooine. Slang is always specific to environment which is why the Danes have curses about cats but no one else does.

I agreed with one of the comments, it looked like a typical English public school, just teaching about the force and lightsabers. Right down to the pranks.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


The Creeping Fear, The Recruitment of Mara Jade
Galahad Skywalker

A story about the recruiting of Mara Jade by the Emperor.
He hasnít done much on this yet, but the beginning is interesting. I want to see more before I make a judgment call on this.

The above was written back in October when i first started doing these reviews. Having read two of Heir of the Empire series, I can see the author had not done so, since Maraís upbringing was substantially different.

Not that it detracts. A pity the author didnít carry it farther.


My 1st Fanfic, This is only my 1st attempt ok?
Darth Sadis

In the period after ROTJ: Another clone of the Emperor returns to cause mischief.

Kid, why are you worried? The piece is well done, crisp and clean. It was a pleasure to read, and the only problems you had were some misspellings and editing. Keep it up!

The Rise of the Traitor
Darth Sadis
In an alternate universe where Vader killed both Obi Wan and the Emperor, Darth Vader and his wife raise their children while bringing peace through oppression.

The piece is his third by her own account, but only the second I have reviewed. He is not a diamond in the rough, he is a polished piece of work.


kotorfanmedia

Finding Revan
kattalez

DUring KOTOR II A Jedi strike team finds and rescues Revan

The placement above is assumed, but the skill the writer shows is not an assumption. The style is dark yet draws you in easily. Very well done

The Jedi And The Soldier
JRO

Alternate reality: A Jedi knight named Revan meets a soldier named Carth Onasi while on a mission.

The writing needs some smoothing out and polishing, but it is well done.

Atonement
Exile Starrcast

After the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan leaves the others. But not without some grief.

The style is clear, draws you in gently, and keeps you there. I have been saying this a lot in the last two or three months. Maybe itís because I have hit a deep rift of first time writers, but here it goes.

If this is the first, Why did you wait so long? More!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-09-2006, 10:38 AM   #290
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My Fantasy Fiction
Tysyacha

Not star wars.

The style needs some smoothing out, and there are spelling errors but nothing that really springs out at you.

Shortie Fics!
ForceFightWme12

Unconnected Vignettes.

My only real complaint little girl is that you tossed them all into one thread. Do you know how much extra work that makes for me? (Grumble snarl Grumble)
The style is good, the pacing needs work. Otherwise, good stuff.

Darkness Personified: The Story of Tanith Vessa
wildjedi

about 2300 years after KOTOR: A dark Jedi is resurrected in search of vengeance.

The spelling and style needs work, but not as much as some. Good work all around.

As others commented I thoroughly enjoyed the test sequence where the main character fights someone that looks like a 17 year old, and is soundly trounced. The teacher in the segment is still teaching even when this is the final test, as any good teacher will. Worth a look, in fact two looks.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Jedi's Last Stand,

jedijason91

Set concurrent with the end of Revenge of the Sith: A Jedi flees the destruction of the order

The story was run together, everything happening too quickly. The style needs work. But it can be fixed easily.

Brothers in the Force, Captives of the Yuuzhan Vong
DarthSolo

Set during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis. A pair of Jedi captured by the enemy plot their escape.

The style is haphazard, but that is an editing problem. The storyline is good, the byplay between the friends excellent. With editing, this can be an excellent piece.


Xan Gablog, In the Underworld of Coruscant
DarthSolo

Set during the rebuilding of the Republic after ROTJ. An evening on the town goes bad for a med student.

The biggest problem with the work is quite honestly DS is too wordy. While some concepts have to be explained, DS does it at least three times in the first section to an unnecessary level like a lot of young writers. This is only an editing problem, so itís really no biggie.

kotorfanmedia


Descentís Stop
LordRevan

During the battle in the temple between Revan and Bastila: The descent back into darkness is stopped by love.

The style is clean, clear, and excellent. Iíd love to find something to complain about, but honestly canít.

Final Confrontation
JanetFlare

Set in KOTOR: The final confrontation between Malak and Revan.

The author knows the subject and immediately proved it with the first fight scene. Unlike a lot of people (myself included) that gloss over this, or those that obviously do not know about actual sword play, JanetFlare immediately proves she does with clear concise description. The one fight scene she does this with is so clear I can close my eyes and clearly visualize the moves, counter-moves, and scene. Excellent work.

For Identity
Marin Dakari

During KOTOR: After the confrontation with Jagi, Revan struggles again with her identity

The style is excellent, the subject matter near and dear to my heart. How do you deal with discovering everything you remember is a lie?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

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Old 06-09-2006, 04:28 PM   #291
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Kira got called 'little girl'!

Ahem. I just noticed the review for LoH. I'll be sure to pass it on to the other players.
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Old 06-09-2006, 07:39 PM   #292
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Doctor
Kira got called 'little girl'!
Heh, to those of us old enough to skew the average age of forumites in the upwards direction, she sort of is....A talented one, too.

[overprotective mother mode] I sure hope you aren't using her real name, Doctor. [/overprotective mother mode]


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 06-09-2006, 07:44 PM   #293
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^I doubt he is, a while ago he called her 'Kate,' so I think she's keeping her real name secret.


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 06-09-2006, 08:12 PM   #294
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As Alkonium knows, I call anyone under my age (53 next month) 'kid'.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-09-2006, 11:51 PM   #295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Heh, to those of us old enough to skew the average age of forumites in the upwards direction, she sort of is....A talented one, too.

[overprotective mother mode] I sure hope you aren't using her real name, Doctor. [/overprotective mother mode]
I am not addressing her by her real name, no. I made that mistake only once, and that post has been corrected, I believe.
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Old 06-10-2006, 01:39 PM   #296
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Damn straight it has

Thanks for the review, Mach! Greatly appreciated

But as for the age comment, I think I can relate with Mission...

"I'm not a 'little girl'! I'll have you know that I'm 14 years old!"


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Old 06-10-2006, 03:54 PM   #297
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Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForceFightWMe12
Damn straight it has

Thanks for the review, Mach! Greatly appreciated

But as for the age comment, I think I can relate with Mission...

"I'm not a 'little girl'! I'll have you know that I'm 14 years old!"

Noted 'little girl'.

The last time a girl that age told me she wasn't a little girl I was 22, she was 15, and it scared the crap outta me.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-10-2006, 04:05 PM   #298
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"Jail Bait"


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 06-10-2006, 04:24 PM   #299
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Thanks for the review, Mach. I'd be interested in knowing more of what you saw in my story. I'll PM you my email address.


Mom tells me I need brain food... but if writing ain't that, I don't know what is!

My work in progress:
Hidden Histories: The Galaxy Hacker

Have a read, give a review, yah?
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Old 06-10-2006, 06:11 PM   #300
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
"Jail Bait"

Oddly enough, under Virginia law, she wasn't at that time. Of course that was thirty years ago.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-11-2006, 04:39 PM   #301
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Thank you for your review Mach. As I said before you have reinspired my writing streak.
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Old 06-12-2006, 12:06 AM   #302
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Sadis
Thank you for your review Mach. As I said before you have reinspired my writing streak.
If you have read the reviews, you will know that our friend Darth Sadis has spent most of his time over at the Galactic senate.

I'm glad I convinced him to try again.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-12-2006, 05:55 PM   #303
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Mach i was wondering when you have the time can you review Philosophy of the force?
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Old 06-12-2006, 06:48 PM   #304
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Click me or Mach's head will explode!


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 06-12-2006, 11:10 PM   #305
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Skywalker
Mach i was wondering when you have the time can you review Philosophy of the force?
Can't guarantee how soon. Everyone who has asked in the last month, I am sorry. I have been deep in the second of the Faerie novels, and I have barely updated Republic Dawn.

I said I would get to it, and I will. John, send it to me via e-mail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallucination

That comment reminds me of one Bloom county where Bill the Cat had become a tele evangelist and said 'send me 80 million dollars, and I'll have god call all of the other big name TEs home'.

Oh BTW, Anyone who is interested in buying copies of my non-Star Wars stuff, I have them posted on a website. Downloads are 2 bucks each, books cost more. E-mail me for the address.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by RedHawke; 06-13-2006 at 12:00 AM. Reason: Combining double post...
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Old 06-16-2006, 11:23 AM   #306
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16 June

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Dark Apprentice
MacLeodCorp

After the destruction of the Star Forge The Sith apprentice Bastila remembers the final moments of the station.

The only complaint I have is technical, MLC. The life support system should be giving a warning not about the level of oxygen remaining in a sealed system. Rather it should be giving a measure of the CO2 level or a timer instead.

Let me know when you post the follow on piece, Iíd like to read it. Itís pretty good so far.

Dantooine's students.
Master Kan-Maz

After the rebuilding of the Dantooine Academy: New students are greeted by their master.

The one comment made by Jedi master 12 pretty much covers the first comment I would make, that the author needed to be more descriptive. We know little or nothing about the characters beyond they are there. The style could use some work, specifically quotation marks and some checking for spelling and grammar.

If this is a Ďchoose your owní story, there is no reason for it to lay fallow because the original author has let it sit. I am going to post a suggestion to it that maybe we have some ask another author to add to it, and rotate who is in the barrel for it.


Jedi Forces - Shadows Of War
Potsie


One year after the events of Jedi Academy; Jan Ors and her new partner are captured by the Imperial Remnant, forcing the Jedi to lend assistance.

First the technical points. The briefing given by Mon Motha was too precise. If she had known what was happening below, she would have sent a larger team. All you had to do is give the name of the ship. Saying it is called by a specific name is redundant. The work needs editing especially of wording and some grammar checking.

On the whole an interesting scenario. Keep it up.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Invasion of Coruscant
Darth AJ

Alternate universe. The Republic attacks Coruscant in the climatic battle instead of Endor.

The piece needs editing, grammar and spelling checking, and some rewording. He is rather vague from the start and it gets worse when the battle scene starts. Nothing that canít be corrected however.

Since he is not on the Lucasforums site, I really canít ding him too bad about a poorly written battle scene. In fact part of the problem is something I hadnít addressed. First, if this were following the movies except for the second Death Star, Luke is only in his mid to late 20s. He had never lead troops in combat that we know of. While during the Clone wars you had kids being given the rank of Commander and General, you have a 16-year gap when political reliability and merit were reasons.

So the scene is the equivalent of a Marine Corps butter-bar second lieutenant telling the Admiral where the troops would be placed is rather bizarre. If he was the commander of the assault, he should have already had an Airhead (The airborne equivalent of a beachhead) set. If he were the ground force commander, however, he would be able to make such changes. Since Lukeís expertise was as a pilot, I would have accepted a Squadron commander instead.

The author also ignored the fact that a home fleet (The one assigned to protect your homeland) is as large as any other. If I had been building the entire Fleet the Empire used in the movies, the one at Endor would have been only a a good sized (maybe 25%) of the force at his disposal while the Rebels were going for an all or nothing attack.

He is also ignoring the reality of an invasion. You would have to fight through that fleet before landing. All the enemy has to do is destroy the three ships carrying your invasion force to win. A trained Admiral would not have suggested this attack. Too much is being risked literally on a throw of the dice.

Yoda's Grammar Lessons,
Sanae

Obi-wan has an interesting day trying to correct Yodaís grammar.

It is light, amusing, and enjoyable. The style well thought out and executed.

If I were studying the Jedi as a whole, I would say this was more a test of Obi-wanís patience. Yoda, as a friend of mine pointed out, speak like a Welshman learning English for the first time. Since heís over 800 at this point, having the equivalent of a child teach him how to speak is amusing.

republic commando: out gunned, a story of beta squad commandos
Darth Sithus

After the battle of Geonosis, a Clone officer takes command of a new unit.

The basics are good, but the work needs editing in regards to grammar, language usage and spelling, and definitely needs conversation breaks and quotation marks.

It is a well-done slice of a soldierís life.


kotorfanmedia

New Beginnings
Darth pernicious

Assumed to be start of KOTOR II: Carth as drill instructor.

I didnít say much above about this because there isnít a lot to review. If the author writes more, I will look at it.

Snapshot: A Nekkid Proposal
Rawtooth

In the interim between KOTOR and KOTOR II: A slice of a rather messy life.

The start of the piece is marred by only one thing; the author expends too much energy describing the room. I would have just said that it looked like a bomb had gone off it the closet, and only the bed was missed. Does need some editing beyond that but not as much as might be anticipated.

The subject matter is not something the author is comfortable with by the disclaimer at the start, but it is an interesting look at their lives.

Friendly Competition
Dinah Lance

During the voyage to Kashyyyk, Ana (Revan) gets a chance at comparison shopping...

As one of the 67 thumbs up and 31 comments said; Boys will be boys. The scene is still in my mind as I write this, and I can only say this:

Great work!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 12-03-2006 at 01:45 AM. Reason: fixed url tag
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Old 06-16-2006, 12:32 PM   #307
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Galactic Conquest I is finished, Mach, just to let you know


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Old 06-16-2006, 01:25 PM   #308
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Thanks for the Review Mach. Anyway, I don't mean to sound rude, but I thought I PM'd you to say not to review Jedi Forces until I did the Trilogy. Now I'm no longer working on the Jedi Forces Trilogy, so if it is possible, could you remove this Review and all my ones before it. The other Fics you can review from mine are The Sith Lord and it's Sequel, An Officer's Last Stand.
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Old 06-22-2006, 06:49 AM   #309
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just a quick question. since im too lazy (like the others here) to check for myself, ill jst ask. did you review Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn and Galactic Conquest: Rise of the Imps? just curious, cuz of what i searched, i cant find it.


Duct Tape is ALWAYS the answer
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Old 06-22-2006, 09:27 AM   #310
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RC 1162
just a quick question. since im too lazy (like the others here) to check for myself, ill jst ask. did you review Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn and Galactic Conquest: Rise of the Imps? just curious, cuz of what i searched, i cant find it.

Mace Windu review posted 20 January Have not reviewed Galactic Conquest yet.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-22-2006, 09:40 AM   #311
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right. thanks, Mach.


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Old 06-23-2006, 12:33 PM   #312
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misassignment of rights

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Minefield of Battle
Jedi Knight 707

Probably directly before the events of KOTOR; A pair of our favorite Jedi fight.

The piece needs re-read and rewrite. It was good but seemed to need tweaking. It didnít flow as well as it could. I canít explain it better than that.

I have to agree with RC1162s comment for only one reason. Swordsmen like writers, like boxers like actors, get used to doing things the same way. If you had actually fought someone, it is likely you would recognize his quirks. If the fight had lasted as long as it did here, both should have recognized the otherís style. I know a sword master at fair who read a scene like this in a book I was writing and spent hours complaining afterward for this very reason.

Knights of the Old Republic 3
Darth Raum

At the beginning of KOTOR 3, the new Dark Lord gathers forces to pursue Revan.

The work needs a serious reread because there are a number of places where the wrong word is used. as an example, it is Ďloseí and ally, not loose him. It could flow better, and part of that is the same problem a lot of new kids have, trying to push the story rather than having it flow.

Your comment that the story began because you had played the game too much was amusing. How do you think I came up with my KOTOR novel?

All in all good work.

Broken Wounds Heal
Jedi Master 12

During the Clone Wars: Two Jedi say goodbye to a fallen comrade in their own ways.

Damn, nothing bad to say... JM12 has turned out his regular good work.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Revenge of Amidala
Empress Amidala

Amidala is resurrected by Vader and the Emperor with surprising results

The style is hurried and needs revision. Go back, reread, and ask yourself if you would pay to read this. That is what I do all the time.

I have to agree with the one comment that even if she had been resurrected, where did she suddenly become proficient enough to defeat Vader?

Legacy's Heir
Darth Solo

The son of one of Jango Fettís clones plots to kill Boba.

The story flows pretty well, and the idea is intriguing. The byplay between the main characters is excellent, and well thought out. Unlike a lot of people who get into writing in someone else's universe, the author comes up with his own insults which most do not (A pet peeve of mine).

Jacen's Fate, Warning Spoilers for The Unseen Queen
Jediwan

Set directly before the Unseen Queen. Jacen Solo meets his child.

The piece is a bit hurried, and needs a reread and edit. Other than that, it is fine.

kotorfanmedia


Parting Shot
Tim Radley

No specific time given. Possible after KOTOR II: Revan assigns missions as she struggles to deal with her treatment by Republic Intelligence.

The piece is dark, worrisome, and made me angry. Not at the author or the characters, but because of the treatment of the main character. We look at war in our time as something reprehensible, that is to be avoided, but sometimes necessary. The savagery of war is always something the other guys do. Here we have the Republic portrayed as bad as if not worse than the Sith.

The reason it pisses me off, is I know the Ďgood guysí are just as capable of all that barbaric treatment. This merely highlights it.

Excellent work. Keep it up.

Happy ĎRí
rose07

Set I believe in the interim between KOTOR I and II. Revan and Carth try to make up after a long confrontation.

This is Rose07ís seventh review in my column, and she has turned out yet another quality piece here. You can understand clearly exactly what caused the argument that preceded it, and where they both stand and why. Excellent work yet again.

Into Darkness
Jayd

During the confrontation in the Rakatan Temple in KOTOR I: Revan takes a middle road not offered in the game.

Well written, intriguing suggestions. Worth a second glance.

The problem with a game such as KOTOR is that you are faced with what are essentially binary solutions. If you do this, you slide toward the dark side, if you do this instead, you slide toward the light. Real life is more like what Jayd portrays.

That is what bothers me. Back in the 60s, a lot of people compared the Lord of the Rings to the Second World War, which was raging when Tolkien wrote it. When asked Tolkien replied that the attitude of the Ďends justifies the meansí would have had someone putting on the ring to defeat Sauron, then someone else would have had to kill this new terror quickly.

His last comment was the most telling. ĎTo be the good guy means refusing to take that easy roadĎ.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 06-23-2006 at 12:44 PM.
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Old 06-23-2006, 05:45 PM   #313
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Mach, you really stop assuming everyone here is guy.
spoiler:
JM12 is a girl


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 06-24-2006, 04:12 AM   #314
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Thanks for the defense Hallucination. Still I appreciate the review for that story that is still a WIP.

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Old 06-24-2006, 11:04 AM   #315
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With my jedi senses, I failed to detect the fact that 'Bushida' is the female for of Bushido.

Didn't i make the same mistake about five months ago?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-24-2006, 02:33 PM   #316
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If you did, I forgot already because I am concentrating on finishing one of my fics that's older than Broken Wounds Heal. Don't worry about it.

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Old 06-30-2006, 03:11 AM   #317
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Hmmm. You said that they would have recognized each other quirks. Probably, but it is a story.

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Old 06-30-2006, 10:14 AM   #318
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707
Hmmm. You said that they would have recognized each other quirks. Probably, but it is a story.
To misquote Shakespeare, a story is supposed to hold a mirror up to nature. If you had practiced together off and on for about ten years, or watched each other at practice for that time, you would know the quirks of your opponent, and would recognize them. Like writers, swordsmen tend to fall into patterns.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-30-2006, 10:22 AM   #319
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Gremlins
Mace_MacLeod

During the Imperial Era: A couple of boys have some fun with Imperial ship design.

A well written little piece, and it would explain a lot about the tendency to have deep pits that seem to have no purpose. I have to agree with him about form following function, though an Ohio class submarine does have enough room for a 60 by 60 by 80 ballroom if you remove the missile deck.

But that would interfere with the golf course...

A Warrior's Exile

Darth Nox

1000 years after KOTOR: An exiled Jedi goes on a series of adventures.

DN is trying to hurry the story along, and it shows. This is usually caused by an author who has the idea, and is running with it. It is corrected by paying attention, and actually slowing down.

The combat scenes are based on RPG game play and it shows. To clean up the combat scenes requires some study, because no one would set off a plasma grenade as close as his character does. Or at least, not and expect to get away unscathed. He also blends things that donít go together. Assuming the Droideka rolling battle droid is based on an actual lifeform makes sense, but having them running around 3,000 years earlier than the movies does not.

You will notice if you have read my stuff that I do this occasionally as well. In fact it is one of my worst habits.

With some work this can be good. Just slow down, spread the combat a little so that every action is not in the same paragraph, and youíll do fine.

Exiled
Rain128

Scenes from the Mandalorian Wars.

There isnít much to work with here, but I can tell the kid has some moves. The problem I had was two different battles, one a ground action, the other ship combat, connected only by the person with no explanation as to who what and why.

Rain asked us to come up with a better title, but without more that I have seen I would have to say Ďuntitled work in progressí.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Rebirth Of The Empire
Cassus Fett

A century after the formation of the New Republic, a new Emperor arises.

What I want you to do kid, is close your eyes, take a deep cleansing breath, then
go back and look at what youíve written. It needs to be smoothed out a good amount, and you have to check your grammar and usage. There are words that donít make sense in the context you are using.

This is called rereading and rewriting. Every writer no matter how famous does it.

The problem is that the author explains too much, and retraces his steps more than occasionally. If a squadron of fighters comes around a planet and takes a position between the enemy and his escape route, it is pretty much assumed that their purpose is interdiction. There is no need to repeat it.

The ways of the force., An alternate Episode I.
Marko Ragnos

An Alternate Universe. An untrained man named Ben Kenobi goes to Tatooine and rescues Anakin Skywalker


More of a synopsis than a story,
By definition an alternate universe is just that, however there must be a specific reason for that alteration. An alternate universe where Washington was defeated at Trenton NJ or where Washington is actually the commanding officer of the Trenton garrison at the time of the battle still has the Rebels fighting the English.

The piece ignores a lot of the fundamental precepts of the genre.

First, Kenobi is not taken as a child, rather he is inducted into the order as a full grown man. Remember that the initial rejection used by Yoda for both Anakin (9) and Luke (Mid 20s) later was their age. Second, the Mandalorians, who are considered to an extinct society by the time of the Phantom Menace are the primary aggressors. This is actually the most acceptable premise the author uses.

Ar'krai, Events between TUF and TJK
DarthSolo

Events between The Unifying Force and the Unseen Queen;


The third time Darth Solo has graced these pages. The work needs editing, but beyond that there is no real problems with it.

The basic premise, that the Bothans were not going to let go of their holy war makes perfect sense.

The problem with a series such as Star Wars when it goes into books is that there are continuity problems. I began an unauthorized encyclopedia of Star Trek and discovered there were seven different version of what Lt Uhuraís father did and three of what Kirkís father did for example. As an even more extreme example and more readily apparent to those that enjoyed that series; the Next Generation technical manual (An approved work) states that transporters were developed in the 23rd century, but the series Enterprise set in the 22nd century has one.

There is usually no oversight .in these works, and for a purist such as myself it is sad.


kotorfanmedia

Destiny (Chapter One: Escape)
Revans Pet Duck

The events on the Endar Spire in KOTOR I

This flowed well, and I wish I honestly had time to read everything RPD had written. There are changes from the original script, but none that are glaringly improper.


Carthís Worst Fear (AKA Revanís Suicide)
sithangel 77

The view of a suicideís mind as Revan give in to her sadness.

I have to agree with the ones who said this is a logical progression. Over at Lucasforums where I am a critic (You think I do comments in this manner all the time? Well, since October, yes...) if you read my entire KOTOR novel, I have my Revan going through all of the angst too. She even decides on suicide. In fact the only reason she survives is Sasha, who I made a continuing character.

There is commentary about using the word slice over and over, and while it is noted, the Authorís comment that it is her own mind cutting herself again and again is perfectly acceptable to me.

Great work.

Nightmares, Dreams and Medpacs

The Luggage

Two young people share their nightmares and gain strength from the sharing.

There has not been a lot of work done so far that I have seen on what the younger members went through. Like most of you, I concentrated on the adults, but Mission and Dustil here remind us that these characters deserve the attention.

Excellent..


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 07-01-2006 at 01:22 PM. Reason: misquote
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Old 06-30-2006, 10:38 PM   #320
Mace MacLeod
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Uh, thanks for the review mach, but I'm not MacLeodCorp.
Yeah.


Be considerate to others or I will bite your torso and give you a disease!
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