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Old 11-26-2005, 07:45 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6
My Fanfic- An Apprentice's Betrayal

Hello! This my first fanfic ever and I haven't read many others on this site so if this idea has been done several times I apoligize! But my fanfic takes place before KOTOR and leads up to the events where Bastilla and strike team of Jedi Knights board Revan's ship. Which is attacked by Malak's ship so that he can become the Dark Lord of the Sith. My story shifts back and forth between Bastilla's story and Malak's story. Leading up to the final events at which they connect.

An Apprentice's Betrayal

It is a dark time for the Jedi Knights. As Revan's
endless armada of Sith warships ravage and wage
all-out war upon the unsuspecting Republic.

As countless Jedi fall in battle, a plan is conceived
by the Jedi Council to capture the Dark Lord Revan
and put an end to the war once and for all.

While the plan is being deliberated by the Jedi on
Coruscant. Darth Revan's apprentice, Darth Malak,
is constructing a plan of his own...


Darth Malak stood within the throne room of the Star Forge staring out the glass windows upon the endless array of Sith Warships. A sight he had seen far too many times, and had grown weary of. How can one harbor such a great fleet..and barely use it? Malak thought to himself. He had been serving under Revan ever since the Mandalorian Wars and never had he been more disappointed in his master's behavior.

From below Malak heard the sound of the main doors being opened. "Ah..Admiral Karath. Just returned from Manaan have we?" Malak turned and laid eyes upon Admiral Saul Karath, a former Republic admiral. Though Malak only looked for a second he could see all the anguish within Karath's eyes.
"Yes, Malak. The long and perilous journey from Manaan has left me drained, as I'm sure you can see." Admiral Karath said as he walked up the ramp leading to wear Malak was standing. Malak laughed inside at the pathetic Admiral, yet he did not show it. "How are things on Manaan?" Malak said with a false sense of actually caring in his voice.
"Well, my lord.." Karath began, "It is exactly the same as before. Ruled by those mongrel Selkath. Who are too foolish to take sides in this damn war." He laughed. "This petty agreement may be working for them now but in the end when the Sith win the war we will crush them and they will see what they should have done, could have done..." Karath stood gazing out into space as if in a trance. Malak glanced over at him, admiring the evil words that just came out of his mouth.
"Karath..." Malak whispered, "If someone were to attempt to..overthrow.. Revan... what do you think would happen?" Karath grinned and his eyes began gleaming as he looked over at Malak. "I don't know. No one has tried it." Karath said while still grinning, "But all I know Malak, is that if someone were to 'attempt' that..I would be happy to be involved." Karath and Malak shared a laugh at this statement. "I will remember that Saul.." Malak said as he turned and walked down the cold hard ramp leading into the heart of the Star Forge. Just before he reached the door, he slowly turned back to Admiral Karath and said, "Oh..I'll remember that.." An evil look came over his eyes as he said this. And he turned and walked out the door..


Bastilla sat in the small bed space made out for her upon the transport ship. The cold and damp air rushed through her bones like wildfire. It wasn't at all what she was used to. Going from a warm room at the enclave on Dantooine to a small bunk in a cold ship was nearly unbearable. It's hard, but I'm sure whatever the council wanted to see me for is worth all this.. Bastilla thought to herself.

Though Bastilla is still just a padawan she is incredibly important in this war. Bastilla has a unique power that even the most experienced of jedi can't learn. It is called Battle Meditation. When used by Bastilla, it allows her to inspire her allies to fight harder and stronger! And makes the enemy lose all will to fight.

It is because of this that Bastilla knows when she is called in by the council it is definately something important. "We've just entered Coruscant airspace." A voice said from the front of the ship. "We're coming in for a landing on docking pad 10927B." Bastilla stood up and gathered her things along with the other passengers from Dantooine. Just as she had gathered all her belongings she felt the ship come to a sudden stop. And the doors in front of her fell open, revealing a welcoming party on the other side. Bastilla stepped out to see Master Vandar, Master Vrook, Chancellor Aegon, and several others she didn't recognize. "Ah, Bastilla! Good to see you made it in time." Master Vandar exclamed. "Yes, yes indeed!" Chancellor Aegon interrupted, "The meeting is starting soon!" Bastilla had not seen Chancellor Aegon since her first day on Coruscant. His old wrinkled face glowed from the sun beaming down upon him. His voice was so old and fragile it was nearly impossible to make out what he was saying without looking at him. "I must admit the ride was a most unpleasant one! But I'm sure I was called here for good reason," Bastilla said.

"Well come we must hurry to the conference room!" said one of the men Bastilla didn't recognize. "Oh!" he shouted as if he had just spilled juma juice all over a date, "I forget my manners! The name is Trask Ulgo, I'm a military advisor and ensign on Republic cruise ships during important missions." He extended his hand towards Bastilla and she extended hers. As they were shaking hands Master Vrook interrupted the silence, "We don't have all day the meeting is starting soon! Come everyone.. Let's get a move on." Everyone glanced at Vrook knowing how rude his comment was during the present moment but no one said anything for they knew Vrook and didn't wish to start an uneeded argument.

Several hours later all of the top Jedi Masters and top Republic Officials were gathered in the conference room. Bastilla sat near the top of the stadium like room next to Trask. She sat listening to all the chatter around her involving politics, the war, and just plain old gossip.

As she was glancing around at all the familar faces from the academy Trask leaned over as if he were about to say something. But before the words could leave his mouth a large loud voice came over the speakers halting all other conversations in the room. "I would like to thank you all for coming here. We have pulled all of you Generals, Admirals, Politicians, and Jedi out of the war to bring you here to discuss the threat that is known as 'Revan'. I will now hand the floor over to a good friend of mine, Trask Ulgo."

Trask stood up and smiled and waved into the audience as he walked down onto the small conference circle. There was grace and confidence in his walk as he marched down the stairs. It made him very likable and noticable to other people.

When he reached the floor he pressed several buttons on a computer panel bringing up a 3D map in the center of the room. "This.." Trask said loudly, "Is the planet of Alaris Prime. Several spies have informed us that this planet not only harbors one of the largest Sith bases in the galaxy. But is the place at which Revan holds and builds his fleet. And our spies have told us that Revan is currently on Alaris Prime as we speak. The plan that we have hatched is to launch an assault upon Alaris Prime. Republic forces under leadership of several Jedi will breach the outer defenses and land on the outskirts of the Sith base on the planet and begin the major attack. While the bulk of the Jedi are in a fleet positioned around the planet. When Revan learns that a large amount of Jedi are in orbit around the planet he will raise his fleet off the ground.. It is then that Bastilla will use her battle meditation to lead a Jedi Strike Team on to Revan's Flagship. Where they will capture Revan and return him safely to the Republic flagship and put an end to the Sith forever.."

The entire crowd sat speechless. "Wait a minute..." Master Vrook said, "You want us to send a team of Jedi led by a padawan to capture the most dangerous Dark Jedi in the galaxy?" He laughed.. Trask sternly looked over to Vrook and said, "Master Vandar and I have discussed this already. Without Bastilla the success of the strike team actually boarding the ship will be impossible." Vandar gave a strong hard look to Vrook urging him to end the argument. Because though the plan was foolhardy it was the only chance they had.

The room was silent for several seconds until Vandar gave Trask a look informing him that he could go on telling about the plan. "Admiral Carth Onasi has been given the task of leading the Jedi Battle Fleet into battle with the Sith Fleet during this operation. And-.......wait where is Admiral Onasi?"


"Uh oh!" shouted a nearby soldier as Sith rained artillery down onto the platoon of Republic soldiers in the trench. "What the hell are we gonna do, Carth?" said Sargeant Ajax. "We're pinned down with 7 men surrounded by Sith forces! Last I heard air support fell back to the base camp! And the 5th and 6th tank divisions we're cut off by Sith anti-tank crews! We gotta do something fast before we're overrun!" Carth sat in the blood filled trench drenched in snow and blood from fallen comrades. His mind raced with thoughts of home.

Him and his men had gotten stranded on Rhen Var when their ship was shot down by an ion cannon when flying by Rhen Var. The only way to escape was to capture the ion cannon, but all attempts had been futile. "Just stick with me!" yelled Carth, "We're gonna get through this!" Carth stood up firing his rifle above the trench walls at a Sith machine gun nest which had them pinned down for hours.

After dodging several incoming laser fire and throwing out several thermal detonators which had been hurled into the trench, Carth called out to his men to assemble on his position. As they gathered Carth looked them all over, they were covered in blood and snow. All of them had been injured from either a laser bolt or from being hurled around by frag grenades. "Listen men!" Carth yelled, "I've been in worse times than this! And I tell you now we are gonna get through this!!"

The men glared at Carth. "Oh and I suppose you have a plan?" Private Landon Ruvar said sarcastically. Carth smirked, "Don't worry, I've got a plan, alright!" Carth knew he didn't have a plan but his plans usually worked so he thought it would help if he told his men he had one. "So what's the plan!?" Sargeant Ajax said. "Well..uhh..." Carth stuttered, "We're uhh...going to..uhhh..charge the machine gun..." Carth said unconfidently.

His men gasped in horror. "WHAT?" Ajax screamed, "Charge the machine gun!?" Carth looked around at his men, and then looked around at the endless wave of dead bodies lying all around him. "Yeah," Carth said. "We're gonna charge the machine gun...."
And well thats all I have so far. Tell me what you think about it please!! Because as I said this is my first attempt at a fanfic!!!
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Old 11-26-2005, 10:01 PM   #2
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He had been serving under Revan ever since the Mandalorian Wars and never had he been more disappointed in his master's behavior
Though Malak only looked for a second he could see all the anguish within Karath's eyes.
Instead of simply telling us what they are feeling why don't you show us. How can he tell by just looking at Karath's eyes? They don't have anguish written on them. Instead of just saying he is dissapointed make us learn that by giving details about what Revan is doing wrong. Not a whole essay but just a few pointers.

I have a few more nitpicks but overall nice job, and continue to work on this. It's starting off well. With a few brush ups it can be beyond totally awesome.
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Old 11-27-2005, 01:27 AM   #3
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I hardly expect Malak to talk to karath as if hes a friend, if uve seen the movies, played the games ull realise that Dark Jedi dont have friends they use people to get there way.

also Battle Meditation doesnt make pple fight harder and stronger, it inspires people and lowers the enemies moral. When ur suceeding or feeling good about somthing u do better, all battle meditation does is inspires these people and lowers the moral of others. Also Masters can/have learnt battle meditation just that no1 has mastered it as quickly as she has e.t.c

other then that *thumbs up*
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Old 11-27-2005, 02:49 PM   #4
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Thanks for the tips Klia! And yeah Ice88 I know its highly unlikely for Malak to be takling to Karath like that but i needed a way to show the reader what Malak was planning and I didn't want to have an entire chapter just with Malak talking to himself so I decided to give him an accomplice and I wanted it to be someone that everyone knew so I chose Karath. I know its kinda unrealistic but I'll try to make it make more sense within the rest of the story..


As Carth and his men desperately attempt to charge a Sith machine gun nest, a rescue attempt is being planned in the War Room on Coruscant....

Bastilla walked into the small compact room with Master Vandar to her left and Master Kavar to her right. The room was full of computer panels and computer technicians and though the room was dark the lights from the computer buttons lit up the room with many different colors.

Trask walked over to a nearby computer and pressed several buttons bringing up some sort of status report.
"Scouts report Admiral Onasi's ship was last sighted near the Sith controlled planet of Rhen Var." Trask stated.
Master Vrook walked into the room with an angry look upon his face.
"I don't see why we're risking tons of men to rescue one admiral! It is foolish and arrogant!!" Vrook yelled.
Master Vandar sighed and said, "The only arrogant one in this room is you Master Vrook."
Vrook paused to glare at Master Vandar. The room was silent until Trask spoke,
"For a jedi, Master Vrook, you are quite arrogant. Everyone in this room knows of Admiral Onasi's exploits. He is the greatest admiral the Republic has and without him the entire plan to capture Revan could fall through!" Trask's voice rose,
"Now if you are not here to help devise a plan to rescue Carth then I suggest you just leave now!"
Vrook opened his mouth as if to say something but then turned and furiously stormed out of the room.
Trask calmed himself down, "Well, if no one has anything else to say..let's just continue with the plan now, shall we?"...


The steel floor of the capital ship creaked as Malak walked down the hallway to the bridge. He pressed the button for the door and when it opened he saw the image of Revan standing tall at the front of the room looking out into space.

"You summoned me here, Master?"
Malak said softly. Revan sat and breathed hard at the front of the room. Not even turning to face Malak, Revan said,
"Ah, my young apprentince. It has been some time since we last spoke.."
Revan's voice was cold and deep. The voice was so stern it sent a slight chill down Malak's back.
"A fleet of Republic warships are on their way to Rhen Var to rescue a downed Fleet Admiral. There will be many jedi with them...I have forseen it."
Malak kneeled down and confidently spoke to his master, "What would you have me do, my lord?" Revan turned to face Malak and walked towards him.
"Take a fleet of warships and intercept the Republic fleet before they can take control of the planet...Go now..there is nothing left to be said."
Malak stood and bowed before turning to exit the room..


"Alright! Does everyone remember the plan?"
Trask shouted above all of the voices within the docking bay of the Republic capital ship the 'Goliath'.
"We fly in and the fleet circles the planet while staying far enough away to avoid the ion cannon fire! While myself, a squad of Republic soldiers, and several Jedi fly past the planets defenses in snub transports to find Carth and take out the ion cannon!" Everyone in the room shook their heads to signify them understanding their mission.
"And don't worry," Trask continued, "We have Bastilla with us!!"

"We're in position, sir!" A pilot said over the comms from the bridge to Trask.
"Okay everyone," Trask said,
"Get into your snub transports and get ready to fly in!"
Master Kavar and his apprentice Thadeus were to be leading the jedi on the planet's surface to rescue Carth.
"C'mon all jedi that are coming get on this transport here!" yelled Kavar.
His dark brown hair gleemed from the docking bay warning lights. He stood confidently in his long jedi robe with his two lightsabers fastened on each side of his waist. He was a force to be reckoned with.

Just as the docking bay doors were about to open a distress call came from one of the scout ships ahead of the fleet.
"Incoming Sith fighters! Hundreds of them!" The voice screamed,
"A long with a fleet of Sith capital ships! They're coming! They're co-!!......" The voice cut off and all you could hear was static.

"Damnit!" Shouted Trask,
"Get in the transports! We go ahead as planned!" He screamed.
Bastilla kept silent no more,
"No Trask!" she shouted,
"It's too dangerous! Even if you can avoid the ion cannons the fighters will destroy you all!!"
Trask glared at Bastilla,
"I am commander here! I say what to do! Get in your ships we go ahead as planned!"
Bastilla sat and began to use her battle meditation, knowing that without it the ships will be wiped out.

As Kavar hopped into his transport he looked out at Bastilla. And just before the transport doors fell shut he said, "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Well thats all I have time to type right now. I know not much happened in these few parts but the next few chapters will be full of action!

P.S. Tell me what you thought of it! And I would love some more constructive criticism so that I can make the next few chapters even better..
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:20 PM   #5
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