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Old 07-13-2006, 10:29 PM   #81
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc.
i hopefully agree just because sadley kotor i think(no ofence to anyone i hope) has WAY to many fics

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Old 07-14-2006, 12:36 PM   #82
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Connor, with JA you can't do many things so that's why there are so many KOTORs.

Well, i've decided to take Pottsie's advice and do only 6 more chapters instead of 16.
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Old 07-14-2006, 05:26 PM   #83
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good point, and also yeh i like this fic

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Old 07-15-2006, 01:04 PM   #84
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Do whatever you feel like, Jason. It's hard to write if you're not really "feeling" the story, lol.



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Old 07-21-2006, 11:09 AM   #85
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Chapter V on it's way!

Chapter V
Getting Comfortable


As the Raven’s Claw landed on Dantooine, the students found themselves on the receiving end of familiar faces: their Master Kyle Katarn and his life-companion Jan Ors.

“ Master Kyle, you’re alright!” shouted Kyra in happiness.

Kyle smiled and said:

“Thanks Kyra. Also, just call me Kyle, titles make my…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by Jan.

“Titles make your skin crawl, everybody knows about that Kyle.” Joked Jan.

“But this is no time for jokes.” Said a voice. Everybody looked behind to see the most powerful Jedi there ever was, Master Luke Skywalker. “ There is something serious happening.”

“Well, what is it Master?” asked Rosh.

“There seems to be a war that involves the rebuilt planet of Taris. Unfortunately I don’t know much so you’ll just have to go there and discover. But I do know something: the New Trade Federation is involved.” Said Luke to everyone’s shock. “Kyle, you and Jan take Rosh to Taris and find out more.”

“Alright Luke.” Said Kyle.

“Jaden, you accompany Kyra to the Space Colony and do the same.” Said Luke as Jaden nodded. “Also, there is a New Republic Cruiser waiting to pick you up and drop you on Taris.

They walked to the Hangar and all got inside the New Republic Cruiser and took off as Luke looked at them with a worried look.

***
Meanwhile on a place unknown, Uriel Tim'Sep, leader of the Trade Federation discussed something with his partners.

“You are crazy Uriel. Do you know what this will cause!?” shouted a Neimoidian. Uriel, a Neimodian himself answered.

“Do not worry, I have thought of the repercussions. I just hope it goes all smoothly. In the meanwhile, let’s just focus on the building of “The Silencer” ”said Uriel as he pressed a button and the screen behind showed a incomplete, planet-size like spaceship.

***

As the New Republic Cruiser approached the Taris Spaceport, Kyra’s preoccupation started to become bigger and bigger. Jaden noticed it and started a little talk.

“What’s the matter Kyra?” asked Jaden.

“Ah, it’s nothing.” Lied Kyra.

“Come on, you can tell me.” Said Jaden with a smile on his face.

“Well…it’s just that I only became a Jedi now and I’m already in a battle against a Great Sith Lord.” She said.

“Well, it gets off. When you notice you’re important, it will come off. I also had that feeling when I first joined the Jedi Academy. In the end, I killed a Sith Lord.” He said.

“Thanks for the relief Jaden.” Said Kyra. She got up from her chair and so did Jaden. Their faces got close as their lips locked in a passionate kiss until Kyle came in and broke it up.

“Uh, did I interrupt something?” he asked.

“No, nothing.” Said Kyra as she cleaned her lips with her finger.

“Well, I just wanted to say that we arrived. Luke instructed me to say to you to grab a fighter from the Cruiser and fly to the Space Colony.” Said Kyle

Jaden and Kyra nodded and got out of the Cruiser with Kyle, Jan and Rosh. As they went to grab the fighter, Rosh noticed they were too friendly.

Jaden and Kyra got inside a two-pilot X-Wing and and flew off. As they were almost getting there, they had another little conversation.

“Jaden?” she asked.

“What is it?” he said

“I’m sorry for kissing you.” she said with an embarrassed look on her face.

“I’m not.” He said without looking at her. She got a little confused but then she just co-piloted.

They could see the Space Colony, it was truly big, and they hoped to find out why. As they landed, some of the habitants surrounded the ship. Looks like we’ve got trouble, thought Kyra.

Some of the habitants that looked like guards took out blaster rifles and the captain shouted:

“Come on out with your hands up!”

Jaden got out first while Kyra hid and got out by behind, where no one could see her.
He put his hands up and a guard spoke to him.

“What are you doing here, low-life scum? You don’t belong here!!” he said.

Jaden simply smiled and immediately kicked the guard’s gun, making him shoot himself on the chin, laying dead. He then ignited his lightsaber and so did Kyra that just appeared but then someone hit from behind with a stungun. They then blacked out.

Kyra was the first to wake up. She looked around but what got her the most was a Neiomoidian. Jaden then woke up.

“Who are you?!” she shouted. The Neimoidian smiled.

“I am Uriel Tim’Sep, but you can call me either Milord or Emperor.” He said with a big grin in his face.” I am the leader of the New Trade Federation, and I have a partnership with the Sith…but not for long.” He then laughed.

“But why did you call yourselve Emperor?” Jaden asked. “ I mean, if you actually win this war, he would be the Emperor.”

“That’s where your mistaken young lad. You will see soon. Throw them into the dungeons!” he then shouted as the Super Battle Droids roughly threw Jaden and Kyra into the dungeons.

“Well, might as well get comfortable.”
***

Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone.
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Old 07-21-2006, 12:29 PM   #86
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Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone.
Damn right it does! I didn't steal of anyone (not that I know of) and the Chapter was a good one. Liked the romance too.
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Old 07-21-2006, 03:27 PM   #87
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Thanks. I'll work on the next chapter either now or tomorrow.
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:23 AM   #88
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Good chapter, I'm glad that you've decided to continue this. Maybe a little time off was a good thing, though.



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Old 07-23-2006, 08:26 AM   #89
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Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.
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Old 07-23-2006, 09:45 AM   #90
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Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.
I know I do. It sounds stupid and every time I saw it, I hated it. It's your choice though.

Last edited by Pottsie; 07-23-2006 at 12:08 PM.
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Old 07-23-2006, 11:42 AM   #91
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okay, i just read the first chapter and not the rest, so i don't know if these thing have been brought up, but i'll just give you my views on that. please dont think i'm being too harsh.
your concept is very good and i'd like to see how the plot thinkens or thins, but several grammatical mistakes takes the fun out of reading. i'll deal with a few things according to the order they are apprearing in the chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
“I have sensed that energy on Geonosis, and that’s why I’m sending you, Kyle, Jan and Rosh there. You shall go in the
Raven’s Claw. And Jaden, be careful with the darkside.” said Luke.

Jaden nodded, and got out. He went back the garage, and the Falcon was ready. Han told him to get in.C-3PO and R2 were also there.When they were all inside, Han fired up the engines, and they left Yavin. He set a course for Geonosis, and they jumped into Hyperspace.
i distinctly see luke saying "go in the raven's claw", but it says that they were travelling in the Falcon right after that. is Jaden one of the disobedient types?
and Luke's advice is kinda wrongly worded. it should be "Be wary of the darkside" IMO

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
His face was covered by a hood, and he had a cape. It was Kayn. Suddenly, a Kel Dor with a lightsaber appears.
i'm not sure if you wrote this intentionally or not, but the tense changes totally when you write "appears". i am sure it should be "appeared"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
they had arrived in Geonosis
grammar lesson: it is on Geonosis, not "in". In would imply that they went underground directly from orbit

other than these in the first chapter, it was pretty good, just watch out for the occasional full stop and comma, they can help a lot.
as a final note, id like to ask you to add a little more description to battle sequences. they make the fic more enjoyable. and the Empires troops are spelt "Stormtroopers", not "Storm Troopers"
other than this, i'll keep reading and posting feedback. please dont think i'm a partypooper or something (like ChAiNz and Jae are ) i hope this helps when youre writing future chapters. good luck!


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Old 07-23-2006, 12:04 PM   #92
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1. That was when i decided for Han and Chewie to have some brief appearances on the fic, and i forgot about that.

2. I always get that wrong, lol.

Thanks for the advices, and no, i don't think you're a party pooper. I think you're more like a fic pooper!
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Old 07-23-2006, 12:19 PM   #93
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:ah, but i'm a civilised ficpooper . besides, i have HK at my side. would you care to repeat that statement, meatbag?
j/k.
i'll read more and post feedback as i progess through your fic.


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Old 07-24-2006, 02:20 PM   #94
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It's great Jason! I like it.. lol although switching in bitween fanfics (reading wise...) gets confusing! out of the fanfics ive read so far, this is one of the better, i started to read one without grammer or punctuation or anything, couldnt read it and didn't know what was happening. But yours is good, not Perfect, but it's good if there is room to improve!


Advice leads to hatred which leads people to rate!! lol

Rating: 8/10, could use improvement but still great!




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Old 07-25-2006, 06:02 AM   #95
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Thanks. Why are you writing in red though? I already thought RH edited something.
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:44 PM   #96
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Expect Chapter 6 tomorrow, i'll be checking it for typos and such, and then "Make it Pretty".
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Old 07-28-2006, 11:58 AM   #97
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Chapter VI
The Decaying Taris

Rosh, Kyle and Jan got out of the Cruiser. The looked at the once glorious Taris. Luke said it was being rebuilt but to them it looked like there was a disease spreading and people where evacuating. They walked a little until they saw three drunken beggars with guns.

“Your money or your life!” shouted the one standing in the center.

Rosh, looking relaxed, walked up to them.

“Hey friends, no need to point those guns. How about we don’t give us our money, but instead use it for a few drinks?” he said relaxed, waving his hand.

The beggars all looked to each other and nodded but then one of them said:

“No, no more drinks, we’re full!” he said as they ran away.

Kyle walked to Rosh and tapped his shoulder.

“Well done Rosh. And you did it with your cybernetic arm, very good indeed.”

“Ah, it was nothing.” He said. “Although, a compliment’s a compliment.”

“Ya’know kid, you’re better when you’re modest.” Jan joked. They all laughed a little and walked off. Their destination was the Taris Army HQ. While on the road, they saw many once beggars living with always rich people, until someone with a cloak and a hood talked to them.

“You’ve done wrong to come to Taris strangers. You should leave.” The mysterious person said.

“And why should we do that?!” Jan asked.

The mysterious person sighed and then told them a story.

“My name is Rufio. I was once a beggar, like many people here were. Taris was rebuilt and had is beauty restored. Until someone came up with the idea of the poor people living with the rich. As expected, many didn’t like it.”

“Wealthy, rich bastards.” Jan swore.

“I agree young lady. But let me continue. Now as I was saying, most of the people agreed, but the most powerful and rich Tarisian families that practically sustended Taris, left and built the colony. Since then, Taris has been decaying.”

“That’s really sad. That’s why we are here, to prevent Taris from decaying even more. I just have one question.” Kyle said. “What’s the way to the Tarisian Army Headquarters?”

“Hmm, i don’t recall quite well, you should go to Javiar’s Cantina. There’s a blue Twi’lek girl that will surely get you there.” Rufio said. “Her name is Rose.”

***


They then headed to the Lower City parts. When they finally found Javiar’s Cantina, they immediately saw Rose. Rosh talked to her.

“Hello there.” He said.

“Hello to you two. My name’s Rose. I’ve never seen you here, and I pretty much know everyone in Taris so you’re outsiders. So that makes me your welcoming committee.” She said.

“Thanks Rose. We would like to know where is the Army Headquarters.” Rosh said.

“Well, come with me.” She said, holding her blaster. Her shirt covered basically her waist. Rose was relieved they didn’t see it.

***
“Well, this is it. The Taris Army HQ. I’ll go with you. I am in need of a journey.” Rose said.

“Thanks but no thanks Aurora, you’ve done much already and we don’t want you to get hurt.” Said Kyle. “Although, I ain’t gonna stop you.”

Rose smiled as they entered the HQ.

***


Jaden sighed. They took their lightsabers and their hands and legs where tied. He then thought of something. Since the guard was sleeping, he tried to use The Force to get the keys but he had a hard time since his hands where tied. He then uses the key to open the gate. Kyra sneaked on the Tarisian guard and got their lightsabers. They ignited them and carefully cut the ropes that tied them.

Time to get out of here and tell Kyle, Kyra thought.

***


Fortunately, the HQ was in pretty shape. They wandered a bit until they found the Army Leader, General Ulgo.

“Sir General, we want to…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by the alarm. The Colony Droids were invading Taris! They quickly ran outside to see atleast five droid ships. They looked at the sky and realized it was a full scale invasion! Kyle and Rosh ignited their lightsabers and Jan and Rose got their blasters up.

“Okay Rosh, me and Jan take on the 200 hundred on the left, you and Rose take on the 100 on the right.” He said, running to the droids.

***


Many blaster bolts flew to Jaden and Kyra but although it was very difficult, they deflected every single one of them. Kyra jumped, twisted her lightsaber and stabbed it on the ground, creating a shockwave of Force, sending away many blaster-wielders. Jaden took care of the guards with vidroblades. Unfortunately for him, vidroblades had cortosis weaves and so he couldn’t cut them. Three guards came running at him but he grabbed hold of one and Force pushed him into to the building. He jumped just in time to avoid their swings and threw his lightsaber to one, piercing his head. He flipped and grabbed his lightsaber with the force, and stabbed the last one right in the abdomen, leaving him to die. But then showed up the Guard Captain, surprisingly with a double-bladed red lightsaber. Kyra holstered one half of her double-bladed lightsaber and she and Jaden took on him.

They all duelled for many minutes, purple, orange and red sparks flying around, practically illuminating the whole place. They were all very tired and fatigued but the Captain simply appeared to not get tired. Kyra then “fainted”, leaving Jaden to defeat him. They locked up their sabers in a saber duel, using a lot of strength not to lose for it would probably give an opening. The Captain used his raw strength to overpower Jaden, knocking him to the ground. Kyra then ignited the other half of her double-bladed saber and threw it, using the Force to spin it around, and it cut the Captain in half, leaving him dead. They got their strengths through the Force and quickly entered the X-Wing and flew to Taris.

***


Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose quickly cut down through many droids possible, this was no easy task, even for Jedi’s and experienced shooters. Suddenly, about three droids knocked down Rosh and surrounded Rose. He screamed her name in fear of her getting killed, but she took of her shirt of the waist, revealing a blue lightsaber, and spun around, cutting down the droids as Rosh looked amazed. He got up and ran to her.

“Rose, you’re a Jedi too! Well why didn’t you say so?” he asked.

She blushed a little and told him why.

“I didn’t want you to know, I only use this in times of peril, and this is one of them.” She said bolting two droids behind Rosh with Force Lightning.

“Thanks!” he said looking back .”Watch out!” he shouted, rolling and stabbing a droid. Kyle and Jan reunited with them as they got surrounded by 10 droids. Suddenly, many blaster bolts flew down on the droids, and they looked behind and saw General Ulgo with some sort of heavy machinegun.

“Now this is a gift to my unrested and old eyes.” Kyle said.

“What, did you expect me to sit down and watch you have all the fun? Let’s kick some droid memory core!” shouted General Ulgo.

Suddenly, Jaden and Kyra appeared in the X-Wing, shooting at the ground, destroying more of Taris but getting rid of the menacing Droids. They got out and all greeted themselves.

“So, what did you found out?” Jan asked. Kyra and Jaden looked down.

“They have the Droid Army to help them. And the creator plans to betray the Sith.” Said Kyra. They all heard a big noise. Everybody looked up and saw a giant ship.

“I recognise this ship. It was in the Clone Wars. It’s…The Torturer .” Said General Ulgo as they all looked in awe. They all got onto the Republic Cruiser, flew to space and discussed the situation with Republic Admiral, Steve Onasi.

“Ladies and gentleman, the final battle is at stage. We need to penetrate that ship, kill the Sith and destroy forever the Trade Federation. We got you three young Jedi this special ancient Jedi Starfighter manufacturing. They are very resourceful, and will no doubt help you get to the Hangar not being seen. The rest is up to you. For Kyle, Jan and Rose, they will go with you since they’re two person fighters. You’re dismissed.” Said the Admiral. They all went to the Hangar, and entered them. Jaden was accompanied by Kyle and they had R2 with them, Kyra by Jan with a R3 unit and Rosh by Rose with an R4 unit. They flew out as Admiral Onasi looked from the bridge.

“May The Force Be With Us.”
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Old 07-28-2006, 02:29 PM   #98
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Good Chapter. Is Rose, Mission's descendant? Kyle's sarcastic humour is good once again, but Jan will never come to the standard of Kyle's humour.
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Old 07-28-2006, 04:53 PM   #99
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Hmm, pehraps. I find that idea shallow and pedante. Family Guy quote. Well, i've thought on that, but i haven't really decided it yet.

spoiler:
Yes she is.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:00 PM   #100
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Good old Family Guy... I'm not talking about that now though, only in PMs. Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:17 PM   #101
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And i'm doing it right now. I'll do some of those previews game you did for the next chapter.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:24 PM   #102
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Is it just me, or do you seem to take my ideas a lot of the time?
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:29 PM   #103
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"Copying is the best way of flattering." Sorry, but you just have good ideas. Besides, i still haven't designed myself a articulate writer, or in other words, i still need to find my style.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:33 PM   #104
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I have to agree with you there. My style I was going for was a mix between, RC, ForceFight, Renegade Puma and many more, but now I feel like I've found my style. Some description, some humour and some other things. I hope I can be an idol to new Fanfic writers in the future, just like my idols have been to me (Mentioned earlier in this Post). Glad you like my ideas though. I seem to feel a lot more respected since I joined in January.
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Old 07-29-2006, 01:50 PM   #105
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Alright, i am almost done with Chapter VII, i just need to finish it, do my magic and post it. I am determined in ending this soon. Also Pottsie, don't worry, i ain't in the mood to do those games.
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Old 07-29-2006, 02:02 PM   #106
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Good chapter, Jason. Keep it up.



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Old 07-29-2006, 02:25 PM   #107
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Here it comes!

Chapter VII
A Torturing War

Shots, flying everywhere, as so where ships and fighters. That was the scenery on the space above Taris. Many fighters flew with Jaden, Kyra, Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose, probably for covering. Meanwhile in the Republic Cruiser, Admiral Onasi looked at the space until his Second-in-command, Marise Dodonna, talked to him.

“Admiral, do you think we can beat the Sith and their Droid Army?” she asked with a desperate tone.

“Don’t worry Dodonna, their Jedi and they have the Force with them. Although, let’s always hope for the best.” He said, changing his voice tone to a one more darker.

***

The blue and white Jedi Starfighter, piloted by Jaden and Kyle was doing very good. With R2 on their side, they destroyed many droid starfighters. Although, the red and white Jedi fighter containing Rosh and Rose didn’t have much luck as the R4 unit it was carrying was destroyed by a sneak blaster shot, and they lost control by some time. The yellow and white carrying Kyra and Jan quickly shot that droid starfighter with some quick shots.

“Thanks Kyra and Jan.” Rosh thanked by the comm.

“What are friends for anyways?” said Jan by the comm.

They started speeding up, in hopes to get to The Torturer soon. They soon saw something that would be a problem. One of the starfighters crashed to save their skins by trying to pass the shields. With those shields, they couldn’t enter the Hangar. Your death will be avenged, thought Jaden.

“Everyone, disperse and shoot the shield generators!” Kyle shouted in the comm.

They all nodded and went after the shields. Many soldiers gave their lives to protect them. Kyra burst a tear or two but then focused on the shields. They all shot into the shield generators, but passed quickly so the auto-turrets didn’t get them. Suddenly, with a surprise shot, Rosh and Rose shot two torpedo’s, destroying the shield generators. They then flew in to the Hangar.

***

Jaden and Kyle got there first and as they landed in spins, Kyle got the cockpit window open and jumped, flipping to the ground and stabbing a droid. He then Force Pushed other 3 to their dooms as they fell to Taris. Jaden got out and was followed by Kyra and Jan and soon Rosh and Rose arrived, but of the astromech droids, only R2 got out alive.

“R2, check the elevators.” Jaden said.

“Ok Jaden.” He beeped. R2 slided to the elevator controls and tried to unlock the elevator, but they were stuck.

“Oh well, we need to do it the old way.” Jan said. They started running. As expected, they found many droids and destroyed them, until they found 6 doors.

“Well, I guess it’s time to split up. Be careful and be wary of the Dark Side.” Kyle warned.

“Come one now Kyle, you’re starting to sound like Luke.” Jan joked. They then entered those doors.

***

Kayn and Cyrus watched on the heated space battle in the bridge as Uriel entered with his lackeys, guarded by droids, and shook hands with Kayn. Cyrus however, still looked carefully at him.

“Welcome Uriel. You already know my apprentice Cyrus, and I’m sure you’re here to watch the Space Battle.” Kayn said. His face was covered, but they just knew he was grinning. Cyrus knew how his face was however.

“Thanks My Lord. Yes, I am here. Although, I’m afraid the meddling Jedi’s have entered.” Uriel said.

“Hmm, I see. I’m afraid I must go. The Jedi shall know where I will wind up.” Kayn said as he slowly left the bridge while Cyrus grinned.

***

It was all dark, but they could hear Kayn’s voice over and over always saying “You’re not going to get out of here alive!” and then laughing. They all knew it was a maze, so they used their Force senses to show them the way. Luckily, Jan winded up with Kyle not so long after they got into the doors, so she had orientation. Suddenly, the lights came back in and Kayn’s voice was nowhere to be heard. Rosh was walking when three droids appeared. He easily dispatched of one droid with the Force, bolting him with a stroke of stunning Lightning, short-circuiting their circuits. They all eventually got got out of there, destroying droid by droid. When they gathered, Rosh said to himself:

Strange, this seemed very easy. There’s something fishy here, he thought.

They got on the elevator, that suddenly started working. R2 was there.

“Thank you R2!” Jaden thanked.

“You’re welcome.” He whistled.

***

When the elevator reached the bridge, they all entered a room, it had some sort of stairs. They walked it up, when the door opened by itself. Inside was Cyrus and Uriel, guarded by several Battle Droids.

“Welcome. I see you have found us. But now, you must die!” said Uriel, pointing at them for his droids to attack, but some of them attacked Cyrus! He quickly ignited his double-bladed lightsaber, deflected the blasts and destroyed them with a bolt of Force Lightning. He then turned to Uriel, jumped to the air, flipping to his back, and stabbed him in the body, leaving him to die. Jaden, Kyra, Rosh, Kyle and Rose all ignited their lightsabers, but noticing the droids coming from behind, Kyle Force pulled the droids in the bridge to the room with the stairs and said for Jan and Rose to assist him, and they did. He then Force closed the door.

“May the Force be with you my apprentices.” He said before rushing to the droid with his saber, screaming.

***

Luke meditated on the Massassi Temple. He knew he had to intervene. He grabbed a X-Wing and flew all the way to Tarisian space to aid them.

***

Before engaging in battle, Cyrus took out another double-bladed lightsaber, also red, and maneuvered them in ways almost impossible, a dual double-bladed lightsaber wielder! They awed in amazement but snapped out of it. They started duelling, swing after swing, slash after slash, Force power after another. It was a very balanced duel with many amazing athletics. Rosh jointed his lightsabers and threw them using the Force, but Cyrus back flipped over them. Rosh then stopped them, and launched them back, but he amazingly flipped to the front over them, once again. Rosh caught his sabers and holstered one and they started duelling once again. Orange, yellow, purple and lots of red sparks flew over the place. Rosh swung but he jumped and flipped to his back, and cut Rosh’s cybernetic arm by luck. He screamed in pain as he fell to the ground. Kyra fought Cyrus in the amazing duel of double-bladed lightsabers while Jaden tried to make Rosh’s pain a little less agonizing. She rolled her lightsaber in different ways, trying to get an opening, hoping to slash him. She eventually did it, but he quickly got up, jumped and flipped once again, this time Force Choking her and slamming her to the ground, hard. Jaden got up and stared in Cyrus’s eyes. They were dark and he could see the hatred in him. Jaden ignited his lightsaber, even though he was disadvantaged. Cyrus however, holstered one of his double-bladed lightsaber and one half of the other. It was now a one-on-one epic battle. Jaden swung hard at Cyrus’ arm, but he blocked. Cyrus now jumped, and left a Force Explosion but Jaden stabbed the ground and grabbed his lightsaber tight, trying to not get hit by it. He succeeded, and quickly rolled, stabbing Cyrus’s thigh. He screamed but then choked Jaden and threw him. Jaden stopped it with his legs, and ran to him, slashing Cyrus, leaving a painful cut on Cyrus’s right arm. Suddenly, a lifeless Uriel grabbed a blaster and shot Cyrus in his back, leaving him defenceless. Rosh got out both of his lightsabers and cut his thighs off, followed by a double-saber throw by Kyra, cutting off his hands and then Jaden grabbed his lightsaber and delivered the final stroke, cutting off Cyrus’s head with Jaden’s orange and Cyrus’s red lightsabers. After a harsh battle, the apprentice of Kayn was no more. He could feel it for they had a bond, and now, that bond was broken. Jaden crawled to the lifeless Uriel and questioned him.

“Where is Kayn?” he asked.

Uriel spit some blood and then answered him.

“He…went to the planet…of Mustafar…although…he will be…in the dimension…of Oblivion…here, take this…get in the place where Darth Vader was born and say…Family…” said Uriel handing Jaden a lightdagger. Then, in his final breath he cursed Kayn, and died.

Suddenly, Cyrus’s voice started talking. They all noticed his head was talking.

“Here Jedi, come here.” He said. Jaden went there, and in an attempt to redeem himself, Cyrus revealed Kayn’s true appearance to Jaden, and died away saying Thank You.

The door opened and Kyle, Jan and Rose got in.

“Well, looks like we missed the whole party.” Kyle joked. “So my apprentices, where did Kayn go?”

“Kayn went to the planet of Mustafar. I must hold this lightdagger ignited in the place of Darth Vader’s birth, and then enter the dimension of Oblivion and kill Kayn. Although I don’t know where that may be.” He said.

“Although I know.” Said a voice. It was Luke.

He explained them, and they all set the Torturer do self-destruct mode, and got out, finally destroying the Trade Federation and winning the war. They came back to the Republic Cruiser where Admiral Onasi and Second-in-Command Marise Dodonna thanked them. There was still Mustafar and Kayn left. Luke then encouraged everyone with the following words.

“Now, May The Force Be With Us All.”

***

Here is Kayn's appearance without the cloak. It's the one on the right, all armoured up.

Hope ya enjoyed it, i may post the last chapter tomorrow! Altough there will still be the prologue.

Also, the Kyle jump-flip-stab thingy is from ROTS. Obi 1 did it.
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Old 07-29-2006, 03:39 PM   #108
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You mean the Epilogue. Epilogue is after the story, Prologue is before the story. Anyway a good Chapter. I thought there was ten Chapters not eight or nine (Depending on how many you're doing). Anyway looking foward to it. Nice Pic too.
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Old 07-29-2006, 03:56 PM   #109
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Yeah, epilogue. Thanks for mentioning the typo. Well, yeah, i was gonna do 10 chapters, but, decisions are always made.

Glad you liked the pic.
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Old 07-29-2006, 05:56 PM   #110
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Here's the before-last chapter!

Chapter VIII
The Beginning of the End

The Republic Cruiser got nearer to Mustafar. While Rosh rested after the medical bay droid made him a new arm: mechanical by the inside, human by the outside, Jaden and Kyra shared another conversation.

“Hi Kyra, how are you doing?” Jaden asked.

“Well, a little roughed up, but, no serious things.” She answered.

“That’s good to know. I see you now understand what I told you back then, haven’t you?”

“Yes Jaden, and for that, I thank you.” Said Kyra. She then grabbed his face and kissed him, and so did he. They kissed each other for a minute, but then Luke entered the room.

“No need to worry, the New Jedi Order doesn’t prohibit love.” He relieved them. “I just wanted to say that you should come to the bridge. I have something for you.”

They nodded and followed Luke to the bridge. They looked at Rosh and traded smiles.

“So Rosh, finally got a good replacement arm, eh?” Kyle joked.

“Yeah Kyle, now let’s hear Luke.” Rosh said.

They all turned their attention to Luke and his speech.

“We are near Mustafar. Before we get there I have to say some things. First: I will accompany the young Jedi and Kyle to Mustafar.”

Everyone awed in amazement. Luke would accompany them, and probably fight!

“Second: young Rose Vao has decided to join the Jedi Order and is now a Padawan.” Everyone clapped hands. “Also, for her great performance in the Tarisian War, I have promoted Kyra Zerp to Jedi Knight, congratulations.” Jaden and Rosh smiled and clapped hands. “That is all.”

And may the Force be with us all
, he thought.

***

A few minutes later, they arrived at their destination, Mustafar. Shortly after, Jaden, Kyle, Rosh, Kyra, Rose and Luke got out. He leaded them for a while and shortly arrived at the place of Darth Vader’s birth.

“Are you sure this is it?” Kyle asked. “Looks pretty blank to me.”

“Don’t worry Kyle, the Force tells me it is.” Said Luke. He nodded to Jaden. He got the lightdagger out and ignited it. It had a white and silver blade. He then shouted the word “Family” and suddenly, a huge rock got out of the ground, followed by the opening of a fiery portal inside it. They all entered and Jaden was the last one in. They had entered the world of Oblivion. A fiery lava dimension. And the most of it all, a giant tower in the middle of the dimension.

“I guess that’s where Kayn is hiding.” Jaden said.

They saw a bridge, but Luke could sense there was a huge gap on it.

“Anybody up for a good jump?” Kyle joked, also knowing about the gap.

They all boosted their speed with the Force, ran, and jumped right on the end of the bridge from there. Unfortunately, Rose didn’t jump high enough and fell, but Rosh quickly grabbed her hand and Force Pushed her up. She thanked him and they continued. Soon, they arrived at the Tower. They got inside, and there where nasty creatures. Although they were strong, none of them resisted the Force and the lightsaber. They started “climbing” the tower, getting into rooms and such. On the first floor of the tower, they found three robed beast-like Dark Jedi with red lightsabers.

“We are the Dremrao, followers of Master Kayn, and you shall not pass!” shouted one of them in their language. Surprisingly, Jaden was the only one that could hear them. Luke ignited his green lightsaber, and Force Pushed them to the spiky ledges. One of them was caught off-guard and fell to his doom, burned by the fire tower that “fed” Kayn and kept the Oblivion Dimension alive. The other was pushed against a wall, and broke his spine, falling dead. Only one remained, and he was barely scratched. He ran at Luke and swung, but he blocked with his emerald-green like blade. He swung at the Dremrao, but missed, The creature punched him and sent a bolt of lightning, but he flipped over them and stabbed his saber onto the Dremrao’s head, killing him. They then continued on with the Tower.

***

Eventually, they reached the top floor. The initial ground was made of flesh, and the initial stairs of bones. They climbed them, and then the flesh-made stairs again. They all saw something. A stone. Jaden touched it and grabbed it. Suddenly all went blank and they all were confronted by Darth Kayn on the top of the Tower.

“So, it appears you have found me. Well, we should begin the battle that will determine the fate of the Galaxy in the Battle for balance between Good and Evil!” said Kayn, uncloaking himself, and revealing his true form. He had a red and black spiky armor and his helmet resembled the head of a Kraith Dragon and ignited his blood red lightsaber. They also ignited their lightsabers and initiated the fight that would determine the fate of the Galaxy for years to come!

***

So, this fic is almost at the end. I'm so proud of it, sniff. Anyways, comment please!
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:08 PM   #111
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Good Chapter. What will you do once you finish this Fic? If you write more, you could try to find your own writing style and then you don't have to use mine all the time.

Also are you aware of Mach's Reviews? He reviews all Fics at some point. He has done some of mine. When The Critic's 2 Cents is updated, see if yours is there. This is just incase you didn't know.
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:11 PM   #112
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I shall do a fic centered in KOTOR, and yeah, maybe i will.

Yeah, i know about that. Gonna check it out right now!

Edit: I need someone's opinion. Should i do the final chapter now? I've got plenty of time.

Last edited by RedHawke; 07-30-2006 at 02:04 AM. Reason: Combining double post...
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:27 PM   #113
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I need someone's opinion. Should i do the final chapter now? I've got plenty of time.
Your choice. I like this Avatar better than that other one. What were your Avatars anyway (I know your Anakin one).
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:29 PM   #114
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Well, i'll do it tomorrow.

Anakin, Reyvan Skyrider(last two ones, Oblivion first character) and Shura(current, Oblivion second character.)
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:58 PM   #115
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Good chapters, Jason. This is turning out to be a very successful fic.



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Old 07-30-2006, 02:34 PM   #116
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Here it is!

Chapter IX
The Last Stand

Luke and Kyle stepped in. They warned them not to disturb, for Kayn was very powerful. The armoured and menacing Kayn saw Luke and Kyle both igniting their lightsabers.

“Two against one?” Now that’s unfair.” He said, taking out another lightsaber and igniting it. “Now it’s better.”

***


Kyle and Luke ran to Kayn. They both swung simultaneously, but he stepped back, evading the blow. Now it was Kayn’s turn. He rushed at them and jumped and flipped, using his two lightsabers to slash them, although they stepped back also. They duelled for a little bit, green, blue and red sparks flying all over and spreading into the lava. Kyle ran at Kayn but he Force choked Kyle and slammed him into the ground. Then he electrified Luke with such strength, he got knocked out. Jaden, Rosh, Kyra and Rose ignited their lightsabers. Rose was the first to run to him. He easily knocked her out into Rosh with a brutal Force Push. Kyra spun around with her lightsaber in many ways, trying to cut Kayn off but he always blocked, and then sneakily grabbed her and drained her Force power! Jaden quickly cut him off, and swung at his arm, cutting it off. Jaden saw flesh, human. He awed a second and then recovered while Kayn screamed in pain. He got up and ran. He swung at Jaden horizontally but Jaden jumped. Jaden swung once again but Kayn ducked and punched him with strength in his stomach and Force pushed him off. He then grabbed Luke’s and Kyle’s necks, choking them with the Force.

“I longed for this moment very time. I shall be the most powerful Sith in the whole universe!” he shouted, adding Force Lightning, a deadly combination. Luke and Kyle screamed for a while until Jaden got up. He then ran at an unexpected Kayn, and plunged his lightsaber onto his chest, piercing the armor and Kayn’s body. He fell to the ground.

***


Jaden was tired, but he was glad. The war was over, they had won. Then, in a human voice, Kayn asked Jaden to take his mask off. Jaden crawled there and took the mask off. Kayn was a human, brown hair with a beard and blue eyes. But suddenly, the face and body of a young man turned into of a old, corrupted man.

“Thank you Jaden. You released me of my curse…grandson.” Kayn said.

Jaden awed in amazement. It was his grandfather, and he thought he was dead long ago!

“I put this armour once when I was Lorgren Korr, The Gray Jedi…and it consumed me as a young man…but now my time has come. Goodbye my grandson…and May the Force be with you.” He said, dying. Jaden cried and hugged his dead grandfather.

***


Suddenly, the world of Oblivion started to fall. It all turned white like when they confronted Lorgren, but now, they were back on Mustafar, Jaden with his grandfather on his arms. He digged a tomb and gave him a funeral. They got back on the Republic Cruiser, victory was claimed! The next day on Coruscant, there was a huge party where everyone celebrated the victory over the Sith. Jaden, Luke and Kyle all looked behind and saw Morgan Katarn, Cyrus and Lorgren with their Jedi Robes all smiling. Jaden then got to Kyra and they kissed as fireworks came off. It was truly a day of commemoration.

***


These Jedi were not mere Jedi Knights. They were saviours, known galaxy-wide. They were Jedi Heroes. Evil is defeated when good men do something, and that was what happened. The Galaxy was safe again for many years, but there is always evil lurking and good men willing to put away. The Force is the flow of lives, but also of deaths. Above of all, they were Jedi Heroes, and had the Force with them.

And the Force is everything.

***


The End
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Old 07-30-2006, 03:05 PM   #117
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Kayn is Jaden's grandfather? Weren't expecting that. Anyway, I think he was defeated a bit fast, but it's your choice. Nice to see your putting this in the Jedi Archives. My two are there too.

I also hope you can improve your writing skills, like me and other writers. Looking foward to your next Fic (A KOTOR one I presume?)
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Old 07-30-2006, 06:46 PM   #118
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Thank you Pottsie, you are a true friend. In paper it looked like he was defeated a bit too fast, he duelled with some of them for a while.

Ah yes, that, it will be about a certain Jedi no one ever heard from...
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Old 07-31-2006, 07:03 AM   #119
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Thank you Pottsie, you are a true friend. In paper it looked like he was defeated a bit too fast, he duelled with some of them for a while.

Ah yes, that, it will be about a certain Jedi no one ever heard from...
That's very kind of you to say. I'm putting you on my Buddy List (I've never started one). I'll put several people on.
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Old 07-31-2006, 07:22 PM   #120
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The Mom-erator here--I pruned a bunch of posts about buddy lists, which is not the topic of this thread.... Please help keep Jason Skywalker's thread spam-free. He's worked hard on his story and deserves the courtesy.

Jason (and everyone else, actually)--I saw the discussion in a couple of the comments about you 'using' some of Pottsie's ideas. If you want to take ideas from someone else's fic, you need to ask them permission first and then make sure to give them credit. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but if you do it in writing, you are plagiarizing (i.e., stealing their ideas), and that is a violation of forum rules. I don't hate very many things, but I do hate plagiarism.
You can make a quick note at the beginning of the post or at the very end saying "X courtesy of Raniskran" to give that person proper credit.
If you would, as a courtesy to Pottsie, please make a quick note at the very end along the lines of "Thanks to Pottsie for ____" or "_____ ideas courtesy Pottsie". I'll make sure it gets put in your Archived fic, too.

Now I can quit being Mom-erator and be Jae the reader....
....And, speaking of the story....
Very interesting--I'm not familiar with any JA stories, so I don't know how it fits in with that story line. You have some pretty good description there--if you add a little more, especially during the battle scenes, it'll slow it down a little. That way, we readers can follow it better and keep up with what you're envisioning. I know they don't pull out the lightsabers and get the guy in just one swing. If you add more fight scene descriptions, it won't be over so quickly, and we can feel the excitement of the moment along with you. That being said, you have a fine start on it.

Dialogue--I saw one consistent error to point out, and it's a grammar thing. It's a minor thing, in spite of the long, drawn out explanation.
I'm going to use an example because it's easier to see that way. Let's take one of your sentences:
"You're welcome." He said.
There should be a comma after 'welcome' instead of a period, and 'He' should not be capitalized. So, it's should look like this:
"You're welcome," he said.
Proper names still get capitalized, of course, so it'd look like this with a name:
"You're welcome," Jaden said.
I don't know if you did this or not, but since I'm in teaching mode....
Instead of:
He said. "you're welcome."
It should be:
He said, "You're welcome."--there's a comma after 'said' instead of a period, and in this case, the first word inside of the quotes generally does get capitalized.

I liked how you wrote the dialogue. I started to get a feel for how the characters were feeling and not just what they were saying. I like to know what motivates a person to do something, so seeing some of that here made it more 'real' for me.
Keep writing!


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