lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: The Sith Lord
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 05-30-2006, 05:13 PM   #81
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
I am touched. Really.
Another good chapter and a nice little plot twist. I just posted another chapter to Heart of the Guardian. I've got a few surprises in store
Thanks. Both to you, Niner and Mr_BFA. I read the Chapter of HOTG and it is good. I usually have Revan as a Male and Exile as a Female. I never thought Revan sounded like a Female.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2006, 05:46 PM   #82
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I'm currently writing Chapter IX.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2006, 06:48 PM   #83
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter IX
The Assault on Yavin IV
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There was a disturbance in the Force. Malus could feel it. Kyle had a new apprentice. Malus decided to be extra cautious of Kyle and anyone he was with. Officer Starkiller approached Malus. RedHawke and Caos were also there.
“You summoned me my lord.” Officer Starkiller told Malus.
“Yes, I want you to prepare an army to invade Yavin IV.” Malus told Officer Starkiller.
“When for?” Officer Starkiller asked.
“When I tell you,” Malus told him, “Now RedHawke, I want you to go to Yavin IV and scout the area. If any Jedi notice you, kill them.”
“Yes my lord.” RedHawke said.
RedHawke left to go to Yavin IV. Malus knew that RedHawke was up to something.

The rise of dawn appeared on Yavin IV. Kiara had woken up earlier to train herself while Kyle, Luke and the other Jedi were asleep. Kiara decided to go out and take a walk around Yavin IV. She hadn’t been away from the Academy, since she’d been there.

RedHawke landed on Yavin IV. He got out of his Tie Fighter and explored Yavin IV. He had landed a mile away from the Academy. In the distance, he saw a young woman walking. RedHawke noticed a Lightsaber in her belt. He got out his Lightsaber and ran towards the woman. The woman immediately got out her purple Lightsaber and blocked RedHawke’s attack. RedHawke passed the woman. The woman became suspicious.
“Whoever that was, come on out!” She shouted, “Nobody messes with Kiara Tann.”
“Really?” RedHawke asked, igniting his Lightsaber.
Both Kiara and RedHawke ran towards each other, fighting with their lives. Their Lightsabers clashed together. RedHawke pushed Kiara backwards, causing her to fall over. RedHawke prepared to stab her, but she leapt back avoiding the Lightsaber. She ran off. RedHawke knew she would tell the Academy that a Sith had tried to attack her. Perhaps Kiara thought it was Malus. If she did, RedHawke had an advantage. RedHawke decided to return to the Echo, to tell Malus of his failure.

Kiara saw Kyle and Luke, who were already up, training against each other. She ran up towards them.
“Kyle, Master Skywalker, a Sith Lord has just attacked me and…”
“Slow down Kiara,” Kyle told her, “Tell me exactly what happened.”
“Well, I was out for a walk and I was attacked by a Sith Lord?” Kiara told him.
“Was it Jaden?” Kyle asked.
“I don’t think so, “Kiara told him, “He looked nothing like him.”
“Perhaps it is an apprentice of his.” Kyle told her.
“I sense Jaden will attack the Academy,” Luke told them, “Rosh was right, we must prepare to leave the Academy, before it’s too late.”
“Listen Luke, I’m not leaving without a fight.” Kyle told Luke.
“Okay Kyle, but we must leave soon.” Luke told Kyle.

RedHawke landed on the Echo. Caos greeted him. He didn’t look too pleased with RedHawke.
“What are you doing here?” Caos asked bitterly.
“I must see Lord Malus.” RedHawke answered back.
Malus came to greet RedHawke.
“I sense your failure RedHawke.” Malus told RedHawke.
“I know my lord,” RedHawke told Malus, trying to look like he weren’t lying, “I submit any punishment you give.”
“There is no time for punishment,” Malus told RedHawke, “And besides, it was Kyle’s new apprentice. That is the reason why she survived. For now, I shall lead an army to the Academy. Meanwhile I want both you and Caos to steal Luke’s journals.”
“What for my lord?” Caos asked.
“What do you think?” Malus asked, his voice rising, “In Luke’s journals are several Old Republic bases on Planets unknown to the Republic. If I can find them, then I can take them over and make the Imperial Remnant stronger.”
“Right my lord.” Caos said.
“Caos and I shall do as you ask.” RedHawke added.
“Excellent.” Malus said.

Kyle, Jan, Luke and Kiara prepared to fight, along with the other Jedi and the New Republic army. They had set up a small defence around the base and were waiting for the Imperial Remnant to attack. Thanks to the New Republic, they had set up a shield that covered the whole Academy. The Imperial Remnant was sure taking their time in attacking the Academy. All everyone had to do now was to wait for the Imperial Remnant to attack.

The Imperial Remnant landed on Yavin IV. RedHawke and Caos had landed behind the Academy. Malus and his army landed near the Academy, but not to near just so they weren’t seen. His army was a large legion of Stormtroopers, eight AT-STs and four AT-ATs. Malus slowly walked towards the Academy, with his army following him.

Meanwhile, RedHawke and Caos had entered in the back way of the Academy. Luckily for them, the Jedi and the New Republic hadn’t guarded the back way. They had only guarded the front.
“Get the journals,” RedHawke whispered, “I’ll disable the security.”
Caos decided not to argue and he crept through the Academy, being careful in case any security systems hadn’t been turned off or if anyone else were protecting the Academy. Malus had told them that Luke’s journals were in his chamber at the top of the Academy. Soon Caos entered the chamber. The journals were on Luke’s table. Caos grabbed it and he left to meet up with RedHawke. As soon as he returned to RedHawke, they left the Academy and returned to the Echo to wait for Malus to return.

“Fire!” Malus shouted at the AT-ATs.
The AT-ATs started shooting, however the shots disappeared. There must be a shield, Malus thought angrily, The Jedi were very resourceful indeed. Malus stopped the AT-ATs from firing and Malus decided to go inside the shield along with the Stormtroopers. They immediately flanked the Jedi and the New Republic. Many Troops on each side died. Malus ran towards Kyle’s new apprentice and attacked her. Malus noticed Kyle immediately saw his apprentice being attacked and ran towards Malus and stopped him. They talked as they fought.
“Your new apprentice is strong my Master,” Malus told Kyle, “Maybe I can turn her to the dark side.”
“You’ve truly fallen far.” Kyle added.
“You say that all the time, but you know I’ve become much stronger than you, much stronger than Master Skywalker.” Malus told Kyle.
Malus knew that RedHawke and Caos had completed their task. Malus used the Force to push Kyle and Malus ran off.
“Destroy them all!” Malus shouted to his army as he left.
Malus returned to his shuttle and left Yavin IV. There were other places Malus must go to, to increase their power in the Galaxy.

Stay tuned for Chapter X Zaloriis

Last edited by Pottsie; 05-31-2006 at 04:49 AM.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2006, 06:53 PM   #84
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 04:03 AM   #85
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?
I own the old PC game, Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds Saga (Includes the orignal Galactic Battlegrounds and it's expansion pack Clone Campaigns). On the Galactic Empire Campaign starring Darth Vader, there is a level where you go to Zaloris, a Planet that rebelled against the Empire after the Battle of Yavin. The first part of the next Chapter will have information on the Planet. I think GB is the original Battlefront.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 04:48 AM   #86
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I've just realised I spelt Zaloris wrong. It is Zaloriis. I'm writing Chapter X now. It will include a side of A4 of information of Zaloriis (Because it doesn't let me copy from the game) and some information from Wikipedia.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:20 AM   #87
The_Catto
The Rhythm Schism
 
The_Catto's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New South Wales, Australia.
Posts: 1,198
Current Game: KotOR
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
nice chapter once again, but wouldve liked a bit more action in the fighting sequence, but its good all the same

The_Catto is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 10:57 AM   #88
Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
 
Jae Onasi's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,911
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
Alderaan News Holopics contributor Helpful! LucasCast staff Veteran Fan Fic Author 
I've read through it, and had some thoughts on things to improve (none of which are a huge deal) and things I like.

First, make sure to add more line breaks. Double space between each change of speaker when you're doing dialog. It makes it much easier to follow when reading online, especially for those of us with 'older eyes'.

I saw a comment that you or someone else thought there was too much dialog--I think it's almost impossible to have too much dialog--it's the characters who should be telling the story as much as possible, describing things, figuring out problems, telling each other solutions, that sort of thing. Obviously you can't describe a good chunk of battle sequences that way, but feel free to let your characters do the descriptions. I'm glad to see you using more dialog.

You assume that everyone knows who Jaden and Kyle are, and in a SW fanfic forum, you can sort of get away with that. However, I haven't played Jedi Academy (it won't load on my laptop! ), so I don't know them at all. Make sure to describe your characters a bit in the first few chapters so we can all have an idea of who your characters are.

Make sure also that your characters are doing things that make sense and that are in keeping with their personalities. Even Sith Lords don't kill just for the sake of killing--they need to conserve their personnel resources just like anyone else, so they're not going to kill indiscriminantly. Now if you tick a Sith Lord off, that's a different story.

You have a lot of action in your stories, and I can tell you're learning to slow down the pace a little so we can keep up as readers. Keep slowing it down a bit more--the best way to do that is to describe everything in greater detail. For instance, you write in the latest 'Many Troops on both sides died.' How did they die? Did they die in clumps or scattered across the battlefield? Were there any smells of smoke, burning flesh, fire, chemicals? What kinds of sounds were there? People screaming in pain, soldiers yelling orders over the noise of blaster fire, ATATs pounding the ground? What does the battlefield look like? Hilly? Flat? Muddy? Smooth? Is there anything in the terrain that could affect the fighting abilities of one side or the other? That's not a request to change that particular sentence, btw--just something to think about as you write your next chapters. I want to see it the way you see it, because I'm sure it's a very interesting picture!

The story itself is fun, and I noticed some more variation in sentence structure than in your previous works, which helps make the writing more interesting to read. There is never a dull moment in your stories because of all the things that are happening.
So, keep going!


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 12:04 PM   #89
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 02:46 PM   #90
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter X
Zaloriis
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Malus returned to the Echo. He went to his throne room. Officer Starkiller entered the throne room. He held Luke’s journals in his hand. He handed them over to Malus.
“My lord, Caos and RedHawke found the journals you wanted.” He told Malus.
“Thank you Officer,” Malus told him, “Now get out of my sight.”
As Officer Starkiller left, Malus opened the datapad containing the journals. It had information on many Planets, including Hoth, Endor, Coruscant and many more. Malus flicked through the journals, until he found a Planet he didn’t recognise. Zaloriis. Malus decided to see what information Luke had on the Planet. The journal on Zaloriis opened up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zaloriis
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zaloris is a desert world. The first AT-AT walker was invented there. It formally declared it's independence during the Rebellion Era, but Lord Vader denied the request and proceeded to liberate the AT-AT facilities as well as crush the militia and Rebels there.

The desolate Planet of Zaloriis is notable only for its role in the production of the Imperial All-Terrain Armoured-Transports. General Veers worked extensively to improve and update the Walker design, but his research was interrupted by a Rebel uprising.

Zaloriis City is considered the main settlement, but even that is not a popilar destination on the barren sandy rock. The high winds of Zaloriis keep life to a minimum, but the sheltering boulders of the Fantain Mountais harbour smaller creatures and rock lions. Legends speak of dune ghosts that wander the wastes at night and of travellers who never return from their journies. The natives respect the open deserts and keep well away from them, clustering in small outposts connected by well-travelled roads.

The Imperials recognized the value of the Zaloriians fear-it allowed them to establish a research base out in the desert, with little concern for prying eyes. In fact, their test vehicles often bolstered the legends and tell-tales, as wanderers spotted the strange technologies being tested and reported back-exaggerated accounts at the local tavern. One tale that amused the Imperial counter-spy network involved a man being confronted by a wheezing so-foot dune-low, with giant tusks and a grey reptilian hide. Back at the research base, the prototype Walker was quickly rechristened “Dune Cow”.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Data
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Malus closed the datapad. He put it in his pocket. Once Luke gets these journals back, he will have to update Zaloriis with my adventures there, Malus thought. He went to his shuttle, along with a small legion of Stormtroopers. The New Republic wouldn’t have a big defence on a harsh desert Planet, such as Zaloriis. As the shuttle prepared to land on Zaloriis, Malus noticed the old abandoned research base, where Darth Vader was once inspecting the AT-ATs.
“Pilot, land in that old research base!” Malus shouted across the shuttle.
“Yes my lord.” The pilot said, changing his course.
The journal did say that the research base was away from prying eyes. Malus hoped it still was. The shuttle landed inside the research base and Malus and his army got out.
“I need two scouts to check out the area,” Malus told them, “As soon as you find out something, return here immediately.”
Two of the Stormtroopers got on a Speeder Bike and sped off into the unknown.

Several hours later, the two Stormtroopers returned. They walked up to Malus.
“Lord Malus, we have all the information you requested.” One of the Stormtroopers told Malus.
“A Twi’lek Jedi Knight known as Farra Koo is protecting Zaloriis City under Luke Skywalker’s command.” The other Stormtrooper continued.
“Excellent work,” Malus told them, “Now we shall invade Zaloriias City.”
Several more shuttles landed, with eight AT-ATs and sixteen AT-STs. Malus led the way to Zaloriias City. As he led the army, he thought about Farra. When Malus was a Jedi, they were close friends. But ever since Malus fell to the dark side, he hadn’t seen her since. Perhaps he could turn her to the dark side.

Farra Koo was mediating inside the large Command Center in Zaloriias City. She had been on Zaloriias, since the Battle on Korriban. She was a surviour from that Battle. She was meditating, thinking on the past. Zaloriias was quite a boring place to be for a Jedi. Especially for a Jedi who liked going out, making a difference in the Galaxy. Here she had to protect the military and the citizens of Zaloriias City. To her, that wasn’t making a difference. Suddenly, she stopped mediating. She heard noises from outside. It sounded like screams of civilians and blaster shots from the military. Farra looked out to see the Imperial Remnant attacking Zaloriias City. They were being led by Malus. Farra immediately ran towards the communications array and spoke.
“Attention citizens of Zaloriias City! Please remain inside your homes!”
Farra could see all the citizens running into their homes, dodging Stormtrooper fire or anything else that tried to kill them.

Down below, Malus ran through the City. The Zaloriias Military tried to stop Malus, but he killed them all. They fell to the floor like paper. As Malus killed the last Trooper, he sensed Farra Koo inside the Command Center. Malus leapt up to the Command Center and entered. Farra Koo was about to ignite her Lightsaber, but Malus gripped her.
“If you want to live Farra, join me.” Malus told her.
“I’ll never join you,” She told Malus confidently, “After what you’ve become.”
Malus tightened his grip on her. She choked even more.
“I think you should reconsider.” Malus warned her.
Farra noticed a red glow in Malus’ left eye. The dark side had consumed him. Farra tried to struggle out of the grip, but Malus held her too strong.
“I’ll give you one last chance.” Malus warned Farra, getting impatient.
Farra knew she shouldn’t join the dark side, but she didn’t want to die and she had always wanted power. She had kept it secret from Luke. Besides Jaden was once her friend. She didn’t want to lose that friendship.
“I… I shall join you.” She choked.
Malus loosened his grip on her and let her go.
“Good,” Malus told her, “From now on, you shall be known as Darth Gevallen.”
“Thank you my lord.” She said finally.
She got up and Malus gave her a large bomb that would destroy the entire City.
“Set this and then we shall leave.” Malus told her.
“Yes my lord.” She told Malus.
Gevallen set the bomb in the middle of the room and set it. Gevallen knew it would take five minutes to leave the City. She set the bomb to explode after five minutes.
“Excellent,” Malus said, “Now we must leave.”
“Wait my lord,” Gevallen told Malus, “I can tell the Military that I’m taking you away into custody out of the city, then they won’t suspect a thing.”
Malus liked the plan. Gevallen led Malus out of the Command Center and through the City. The Military saw Gevallen leading Malus out.
“Lady Koo, where are you taking our Sith friend?” The leader asked.
“I’m taking him away into custody.” Gevallen told him.
The Military left Malus and Gevallen alone. Malus and Gevallen left the City and waited for the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus and Gevallen left Zaloriias and returned to the Echo. From there, Malus, Caos, Gevallen and RedHawke watched the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus felt excitement burning in his heart as he felt the City be destroyed, along with the Military and the citizens who also perished. It felt great.

On Yavin IV, as the Jedi and the New Republic were clearing up the mess from the attack on the Academy, Luke felt the deaths of so many people. It was from Zaloriias. Luke also felt the loss of a Jedi. A Jedi who had fell to the dark side. A Jedi that Luke had trained. Farra Koo. Kiara came over to see him.
“Is something wrong Master?” She asked.
“The deaths of so many people,” Luke told her, “And a loss from our Order.”
Kyle heard Kiara and Luke talking. He walked over to them.
“What loss?” He asked.
“The loss of a great Jedi,” Luke told him, “Farra Koo has been converted to the dark side.”
Kyle knew Luke felt despair. Luke knew dark times were ahead.

Stay tuned for Chapter XI Memories

PS: Gevallen is Dutch for Fallen.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 02:47 PM   #91
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Name: RedHawke
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Dark Brown
Hair Colour: None
Class: Sith Lord
Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber
Lightsaber Colour(s): Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Camouflage
Master(s): Desann/Tavion/Darth Malus
Apprentice(s): None
Homeworld: Unknown
Political Affiliation: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Allies: Sith/Imperial Remnant
Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order

Name: Darth Gevallen (Farra Koo)
Species: Twi’lek
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: None
Class: Jedi Knight/Sith Assassin
Favourite Weapon(s): Saberstaff
Lightsaber Colour(s): Red
Favourite Ship(s): The Echo/X-Wing/Tie Fighter
Favourite Force Power(s): Force Drain
Master(s): Luke Skywalker/Darth Malus
Apprentice(s): None
Homeworld: Ryloth
Political Affiliation: Jedi Order
Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order
Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith

Name: Rosh Penin
Species: Human
Eye Colour: Brown
Hair Colour: Black
Class: Force Ghost
Homeworld: Yavin IV
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 04:54 PM   #92
Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
 
Jae Onasi's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,911
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
Alderaan News Holopics contributor Helpful! LucasCast staff Veteran Fan Fic Author 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.
Nothing wrong with emulating (not copying!) someone else's style in well-written works, and the EU books are at least entertaining, if not Pulitzer prize winners. I'm not complaining, mind you, and I'm not trying to be offensive with constructive critiques. It's not as fun to have the 'areas to improve' pointed out like it is the good or fun stuff. Nor are the things I commented on 'bad', they are just areas to make better. I do that because I know you have the ample ability and desire to learn from those comments and improve, because I've seen your writing improve as you've been going along.
Writing takes time to develop, too. The writing I did as a freshman in high school was very different from the writing I do now, but I had to do a lot of writing along the way to learn and improve. Boy, did I have to do a lot. Some of my freshman high school writing was atrocious--you're way ahead of where I was at the same age. I'm _still_ learning! Believe it or not, the writing you do here will help in your regular studies, and vice versa. You can't lose there, even if you don't like school.

I find battle scenes challenging myself--how do you take a very fluid scene with action happening all over the place and condense all that down into words on a page? It's tough. If battles are boring, spice them up a bit. Make the good guys or bad guys do something totally unexpected that surprises everyone and makes them have to react in a novel way. Your battle scenes are not bad, btw. I think they can be pretty intense sometimes, and I like intense battle scenes where I can feel like I'm in the middle of the action and have to duck with the character.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:12 PM   #93
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
I'll read this tomorrow.Hope ya don't mind.
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:14 PM   #94
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
No I don't mind.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:28 PM   #95
Niner_777
[RC-1270]
 
Niner_777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Desert canyons of Praesitlyn
Posts: 1,491
Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.



(^Click the pic to reveal my...) | Republic Commando: -]RC[-AjaX
BF2142: -]RC[-Auxidus | www.redcellgaming.com (I really need a userbar, eh. >.<)
Niner_777 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:33 PM   #96
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Niner_777
Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.
Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:48 PM   #97
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Also, once I finish this Fanfic (Which won't be for a while yet), I may write an alternative ending if anyone wants it.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 05:50 PM   #98
Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
 
Jae Onasi's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,911
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
Alderaan News Holopics contributor Helpful! LucasCast staff Veteran Fan Fic Author 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.
Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 06:00 PM   #99
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.
Yeah he spends all his time and effort in building an Academy and half of them fall to the dark side. Kyle and Rosh have had their fair shares of the dark side as well.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-31-2006, 06:16 PM   #100
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,910
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
Nice two chapters Pottsie. Jae is right about the battles. The funny thing is that I can see the images in my head when I think about it or let my mind drift. I can see the smoke, the fire, the bodies, the bleakened landscape pockmarked by blast fire. The destroyed ship and an occassional explosion. The dirt and the noise everywhere in the air and you feel like you have to shout just to be heard. Sometimes the best way to describe battles is to look at paintings of battles and imprint the colors and images in your head. Don't tell anyone but I watch a TON of war movies, some maybe forty times already. Use the imagination that's what it's there for; the place where you develop the strangest of things like Bessy the Purple Cow (don't ask).

On a side note: I was a sucker for the female Revan romance so, ya know. The Exile I thought to be more manly. That said and done, thanks for reading. Will have a new chapter up soon.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 06:05 AM   #101
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter XI
Memories
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Caos and Gevallen prepared to train against each other, with RedHawke watching them. Malus decided to relax. He went to his chamber and meditated. He started to think on his past in the Academy.

“We’ll be arriving at the Academy in just a few minutes!” The Rebel driver announced over the Academy shuttle.
A few minutes. For Jaden Korr, that was alright, however he had a secret, which he didn’t want to tell. It had started a while ago on Coruscant where he was a Promising Student. He was never a Jedi, however he had built a Lightsaber without any specific training. Another eager student interrupted his thoughts.
“That would be so great…” He shouted down the corridor of the Jedi Academy’s shuttles. Everyone ignored him. Including Jaden.
“Aren’t you excited?” He shouted at Jaden, “We’re going to be Jedi, using the Force , building a Lightsaber…” He stopped in his tracks as he saw Jaden’s Lightsaber. “Of course you already have one, I’m going to get one of those stupid training Sabers and…”
“I wouldn’t worry about that.” Jaden interrupted.
“Aren’t you I mean why would you be? You already have a Lightsaber and you’re probably way ahead of me, I’m Rosh Penin by the way.” The student said, “Ahem what’s you’re name.”
“Jaden Korr.” Jaden said.
“So where did you get that Lightsaber?” Rosh asked.
“Well it is kind of a long story, I found myself on…” Jaden said, but a loud bang attacked the shuttle.
The shuttle started to land down on Yavin IV’s surface.

That was the day Jaden and Rosh became Jedi. It was also the day they met Luke and Kyle. Malus thought on his life more.

On Hoth, Jaden had just encountered Alora, Tavion’s Twi’lek apprentice. Jaden entered the abandoned hangar of Echo Base to see Alora talking to her Master on her Comlink.
“Yes Master, Dagobah,” She said, “Skywalker didn’t mention it in his journals. He must have been trying to protect something.”
She turned her Comlink off, feeling Jaden’s prescence behind her.
“You must be that wielding trouble maker that killed our perimeter guard,” Alora told Jaden, “Is the Jedi so stretched they send children to defeat the Disciples of Ragnos?”
Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber and ran towards Alora. Alora immediately ignited her red Lightsaber, blocking Jaden’s attack. They fought for several minutes, attacking and blocking each other’s attacks. Alora pushed Jaden backwards and tried to stab him, however he rolled over to the side, avoiding Alora’s attack. Jaden leapt up and ran towards Alora. They fought again until Alora leapt onto a rock and then on a pipe. Jaden had followed her from behind and had stayed on the rock.
“We’ll meet again welp!” Alora told Jaden.
She left the hangar.
“I can’t wait.” Jaden commented.

That was Malus’ first encounter with Alora.

In Bast Castle on Vjun, Jaden ran in a room to see Rosh. He had the scepter in his hand. He turned around to see Jaden.
“I sense your prescence Jaden.” Rosh told Jaden.
“Rosh? What are you doing here?” Jaden asked.
“The Disciples of Ragnos brought me,” Rosh told Jaden, “At first I thought they were going to kill me. But I was wrong about them.”
Jaden couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Do you realise how much power there is in the dark side?” Rosh continued, “Kyle was holding us back Jaden, you should feel the power. It’s beyond anything you’ve ever imagined.”
“Rosh what are you saying?” Jaden asked, “You’re a Jedi.”
Rosh fell to the floor thinking. His two servants came up to him.
“No…” Rosh started, “I’m a…”
“Enough talk!” The servant shouted.
“Rosh destroy this puny Jedi so we can complete our task!” The other servant shouted at Rosh.
“Yes,” Rosh said finally, “If you’re too weak to join us Jaden. Then we can’t let you stand in our way.”
He ignited his new red Lightsaber and Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber. They ran towards each other attacking each other. Occasionally, Rosh’s servants tried to heal him, but Jaden threw his Lightsaber at them. They were killed and Rosh was alone. Jaden and Rosh fought for several more minutes, until Jaden caught Rosh off guard and Rosh tripped up. This was Jaden’s first touch with the dark side. He was about to kill Rosh until Kyle stopped Jaden. Kyle ran towards them.
“Kyle… I…” Rosh started, but was interrupted.
A burst of Lightning tripped Kyle up.
“Did you think I’d give up my new apprentice so easily?” A woman asked, pulling the scepter towards her.
“Tavion.” Kyle commented.
“You should have killed me when you had the chance Katarn,” Tavion told him, “Your pathetic mercy is a weakness that shall cost you your life. And the life of your Academy’s students.”
She looked at Rosh.
“But not you my dear Rosh. Come.” She told Rosh.
“Yes Tavion.” Rosh said.
“Rosh no!” Jaden shouted.
“Fool, your petty friendship can not compete with the power of the dark side.” Tavion told Jaden.
“So is this what it’s come too Tavion?” Kyle asked, “Stealing scraps of the Force like some intergalactic parasite.”
“Spare me your self-righteous pity Katarn!” Tavion shouted, “You may have shamed me when you spared my life. But that was before I found this. Now I have a new Master. One who has promised me the power to destroy you and all the Jedi.”
“Ragnos?” Kyle asked, “What can a dead Sith Lord give you?”
“Everything I have ever wanted, “Tavion told Kyle, “Not that you’ll be around to see.”
Jaden threw his Lightsaber and Tavion noticed it. She used the scepter to destroy the Lightsaber and the ceiling. Tavion and Rosh escaped, while Kyle tried to hold the rocks up. Jaden used Kyle’s Lightsaber to break through the floor.
“I can’t keep this up for long.” Kyle commented.
“Hold on.” Jaden told him.
Jaden finished cutting the hole and him and Kyle dropped through the hole.

Malus stopped thinking about his past. His memories as a Jedi were useful. Thanks to the Jedi, he had fallen to the dark side and now he wielded the power that Tavion and Marka Ragnos would never have. Malus decided to attack the heart of the Republic. Coruscant. His homeworld.

Stay tuned for Chapter XII The Taking of Coruscant
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 06:05 AM   #102
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quite short Chapter.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 01:36 PM   #103
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,910
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
Nice. Very good. Yeah the chapter is short. I would more reaction sentences in when characters are being spoken to. It makes for a better image of reactions of anger and the whatnot.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 02:39 PM   #104
DarthSion101
Junior Member
 
DarthSion101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Imperial Palace, Coruscant
Posts: 461
Hot Topic Starter Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Potts........you have begun to construct a very interesting tale, I always wondere what became of JAden, and Kyle after the ending of JA, considering the developers at LA left it open, and havent touched it since. You quoted earlier that you didn't much like writing battles because you claimed them to be boring

Maybe I can help ya out with that one, I write very good battle sequences, or so Ive been told by people who read Darth Sion: Legacy Of Pain. Writing a battle sequence isn't all that difficult,depending on the type of battle. When describing solo combat, and duels, especailly with Sabers, describe the facial expressions, and acrobating maneuvers and saber thrusts/paries. Use alot of imagery, so that your audience really gets a feel for the action sequence as if it were playing out before there eyes. Compare the motions and patterns of the combatants to other various objects or creatures. And don't be afraid to include what the attacker or attackeee is thinking or feeling at the time.

Example: " Sion circled in around the wounded Revan, like a wild beast stalking its prey, his footsteps echoing through the cavrnous chambers of the ancient facility.
"He could sense Revan's weakness, as he drew in closer, Sion could almost taste the fear eminating from his war weary foe. Victory was his, he could feel it, almost grab at it."

"REvan slowly began to rise to his feet, clutching at the sizzling wound in his side, courtesy of a slash from Lord Sion's crimson bladed saber. REvan's breathing was heavy, almost gasping, as he felt his chest heave in and out under his armor, as he stared into the souless, and snarling features of his enemy."

"Sion had had enough waiting, he could sense Revan's thoughts, the weak fool, was still trying to measure the methods of his enemy, this Sion could not allow. With roar of primal rage, Sion lept towards Revan, his crimson bladed weapon hissing to life like a serpent, was pointed directly at Revans throat."

"Revan seeing this oncoming attack, was quick to react, igniting his own brilliant blue blade, and quickly and forcefully swiping away the animal Sith's forceful attack. But he could see Sion would not be so easily swayed from his current path of attack."

"Sion twirled his weapon skillfully out accross his chest, before gripping the hilt tightly with both hands, and again charging forward, and bringing blow after overpowering blow down upon his opponents blade, who defended as adamantly as Sion attacked. The result was a fast paced display of swordsmanship, which illuminated the ancient dueling chamber in brilliant shades of blue and red light."

Large scale battles are written in quite the same manner, just replace Sion for example with The Sith Fleet or Army etc etc, and Revan with the Republic, then proceed by describing the scene, and like the battle of the heroes, use lots of imagery

Example: The sith fleet dotted the Coruscanti skyline, like a thousand luminous stars.

The Capitla ships of the republic fleet were outgunned and blossomed accross the scene into countless flowering explosions.



"Have you come here for answers? There are none. The call of Korriban is strong, but it is the call of the dead. It is fitting you came here."

"The failure is yours, no longer does your voice whisper within my skull, no longer do I suffer beneath teachings that weaken us, and now you run in search of the Jedi. They are all dead....save one, and one broken Jedi cannot stop the darkness that is to come."
DarthSion101 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 02:42 PM   #105
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 02:51 PM   #106
DarthSion101
Junior Member
 
DarthSion101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Imperial Palace, Coruscant
Posts: 461
Hot Topic Starter Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.
But please Read this one before reading mine......Pottsie has done a great job bringing Jaden and Kyle out of the Darkness and back into the light !


"Have you come here for answers? There are none. The call of Korriban is strong, but it is the call of the dead. It is fitting you came here."

"The failure is yours, no longer does your voice whisper within my skull, no longer do I suffer beneath teachings that weaken us, and now you run in search of the Jedi. They are all dead....save one, and one broken Jedi cannot stop the darkness that is to come."
DarthSion101 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 03:01 PM   #107
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 03:04 PM   #108
DarthSion101
Junior Member
 
DarthSion101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Imperial Palace, Coruscant
Posts: 461
Hot Topic Starter Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.
I found the JA storyline of the dark Jaden to be most interesting and was very much hoping that LA would follow up on that version rather than the typical Light ending.

So yes my friend you have given me hope to a very dark universe for JAden and Kyle MUAHAHAHAH


"Have you come here for answers? There are none. The call of Korriban is strong, but it is the call of the dead. It is fitting you came here."

"The failure is yours, no longer does your voice whisper within my skull, no longer do I suffer beneath teachings that weaken us, and now you run in search of the Jedi. They are all dead....save one, and one broken Jedi cannot stop the darkness that is to come."
DarthSion101 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 03:42 PM   #109
stingerhs
Follow the Wolves
 
stingerhs's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: May 2004
Location: between my ears
Posts: 4,632
Current Game: Dead Space
Forum Veteran Roleplayer LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
well, you pm'd me to check out your fanfic. so now i'll do ya one better: i'll review it, and give you a couple of pointers at the same time.

first off, you have some good material to work with. i've played Jedi Academy, and although i thought the game's story was a bit weak, you've demonstrated that it does have some potential to be better. overall, the substance of your story is good, but its the style that gets me.

however, several problems have already been mentioned, and i'll address them here. as you have stated a couple of times, length and pacing have been problems with the story. now, IMHO, i think the problem stems from having the story primarily being told through dialog. dialog is essential to most stories, but whenever you use a lot of dialog, you have to keep in mind that dialog is another word for conversation. whenever you get into a face to face conversation with a friend, take some time to observe what happens other than what is spoken. you'll notice that more than just words are exchanged. facial and hand expressions are exchanged as well as emotions.

if you would simply put some more detail as to how the characters are feeling, their reactions to what is said, and what they're doing while the conversation takes place, then you'll notice that length is no longer an issue.

something else your story could use is some subtlety. a good story is rather boring if it isn't told very well. your issues with pacing could easily be handled if you take some time to carefully move your story along. instead of using two lines exchanged between characters to reveal four plot points, take some time to develop a smaller storyline that will slowly fill in the gaps for those four plot points. a great way to spread things out is to write out an outline on paper. you don't need details; just simply write down major events and plot points in the order you want them to be in your story.

another thing that would add length and pacing is to describe the settings better. give some backround information on the setting; describe the backround noises; comment on things within the environment such as fog, smoke, clouds of insects, et cetera. setting is always essential to any story, and describing it in detail will definately help to move the story along.

in the end, your style is lacking a bit. something to always remember in writing is that style > substance. a good story is never going to be great if the storytelling isn't up to the task. on the other hand, a mediocre story can be great if the style is great. improve the style, and this fanfic will be one of the greats.

just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way.


See the struggle of the faithless lot as they negate their time
How low to sink to the depths of their frame of mind


Last edited by stingerhs; 06-01-2006 at 04:00 PM.
stingerhs is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 03:49 PM   #110
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stingerhs
just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way.
Don't worry, I won't, besides your the Moderator of the CEC and is writing a Fanfic yourself (I'll read it sometime). If I ever write a Sequel (If anyone wants one), then I shall improve.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 04:25 PM   #111
Niner_777
[RC-1270]
 
Niner_777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Desert canyons of Praesitlyn
Posts: 1,491
I was able to skim over the last three chapters. I thought that they were good. I do have to agree with what others have mentioned. Though you have slowed down the plots, I still think that some of the events are happening a little bit fast. I really liked DarthSion's battle scenes. They were very detailed, but not boring. Sometimes, I think that my fic may be a little bit boring because of some of the detail that I may put in. I think that the detail adds to the story overall. Nice job on those chapters, btw.



(^Click the pic to reveal my...) | Republic Commando: -]RC[-AjaX
BF2142: -]RC[-Auxidus | www.redcellgaming.com (I really need a userbar, eh. >.<)
Niner_777 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 05:11 AM   #112
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 05:17 AM   #113
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.
I doubt LucasArts watches over us as we write our Fics, etc. Besides I doubt they won't like my ending of this much.

Last edited by Pottsie; 06-17-2006 at 06:01 AM.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 05:22 AM   #114
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 05:46 AM   #115
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.
Please don't read the below Spoiler if you don't want to wreck the Fanfic.

spoiler:
One of them does die.

Last edited by Pottsie; 06-17-2006 at 06:02 AM.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 05:49 AM   #116
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
Heck,it's tempting.
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 02:32 PM   #117
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I've wrote twenty lines of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.

Last edited by Pottsie; 06-02-2006 at 02:51 PM.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 02:42 PM   #118
Jason Skywalker
Fight da Powah
 
Jason Skywalker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,152
Current Game: SMT: Imagine
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
I've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.
What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?
Jason Skywalker is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-02-2006, 02:50 PM   #119
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?
Sorry weren't thinking (Will edit it). I meant twenty lines of Chapter XII.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-03-2006, 12:14 AM   #120
Char Ell
Force Enlightened
 
Char Ell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 2,367
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Folder extraordinaire Forum Veteran 
I think this story has a great foundation, Pottsie. Keep it up and don't think that you need to wait until the next story to improve. Jae Onasi, stingerhs, and DarthSion101 have given you some great pointers that you can use to improve on your writing as you continue with this story. I haven't read any of your other fics but it sounds like you've added depth to your writing skill since you started posting in the Coruscant Entertainment Centre. Assuming you are at the wonderful age of 14 years your writing is already good. Time and practice will only serve to help you even more.


Want to battle against cancer and other chronic diseases? Join Team LFN!


Char Ell is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Sith Lord

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:03 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.