lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Exiled
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 06-01-2006, 09:48 AM   #1
Rain128
Rookie
 
Rain128's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: the hall on your left, fifth door on your right...
Posts: 81
Exiled

Ok, here goes....

i have had this idea kickin around in my head for a few days now, and i thought id give it a go.

(please be nice, i havent writen anything like this since High School) >_<

P.s. im gonna say im sorry here, i am going to dbl post so this crap dosnt interfer with the story, if it a problem let me know and ill fix it.

And if anyone has a better name then Exiled please let me know heh, it was the only thing i could think of...

Last edited by Bee Hoon; 02-21-2009 at 10:38 AM.
Rain128 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-01-2006, 09:49 AM   #2
Rain128
Rookie
 
Rain128's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: the hall on your left, fifth door on your right...
Posts: 81
It was a hard driving rain as one might expect on duxun the giant foliage of the trees hardly blocking the down pour. Other then the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes it was quiet, she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, there fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate Ahead of her up a narrow slope was a mandalorain outpost, the slippery slope was covered with trip mines.

Her comlink buzzed, “General, you have your orders.”

“But sir…”

“General…. We need that outpost taken, you have your orders, follow them or you will be replaced.”

“Yes, sir”

She turned and looked at her troops, sighing inwardly, ok men you know what to do…….

The world began to fade as they yelled charging up the hill, setting mines off as they went……..



It was cold, a rag tag fleet of republic ships were on the view screen around her, and in front she could see the mandalorain fleet dropping out of hyperspace.
This was a feint, a suicide mission and she knew it, as did the rest of her crew, there eyes were cold and sad, knowing that they will never see anything more then the dead world of Malachor.

“The Mass Shadow Generator is ready and waiting for your command General…”

Her eyes fluttered open, Cold steel plaiting stared back at her.
“Where am I?” her eyes roamed, It was the med bay, but of a republic ship…
Not the Harbringer, she was gone and her crew slain….

“Your on the Sojurn, you have been unconscious for about three days now.”
Rain128 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-29-2009, 01:36 PM   #3
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,817
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
read


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-30-2009, 04:15 PM   #4
JAvatar80
Rookie
 
JAvatar80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Arizona
Posts: 61
Current Game: The Old Republic....what else?
This is starting to be a very interesting story, and I'm going to like it. However, I have caught quite a few grammer, and a couple minor spelling, errors.

Other then the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes it was quiet, she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, there fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate Ahead of her up a narrow slope was a mandalorain outpost, the slippery slope was covered with trip mines.

Other than the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes, it was quiet, and she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, their fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate. Ahead of her.....

Like I said, the mistakes were small, and did not detract from the story itself, but I notice the small things.

Keep up the good work.
JAvatar80 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-02-2009, 05:52 PM   #5
LordOfTheFish
Senior Member
 
LordOfTheFish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 2,724
Current Game: Tomb Raider
Forum Veteran 
Welcome to the CEC, Rain128!

Well, this seems to be a fairly interesting story. The few grammar mistakes were mention by JAvatar80. It was a bit short, so post more soon.

I'm not sure where the story is going, and I haven't quit figured out what is about due to the lack of length. When I see more, I may give a few name suggestions.

Overall, I liked it. Keep up the good work!

-Fish-

LordOfTheFish is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Exiled

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:07 PM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.