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Old 06-12-2006, 05:25 PM   #1
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STAR WARS The Jedi Order

2 years after TSO...
STAR WARS
The Jedi Order
Jaden Korr,leader of the jedi has incresed the jedi amount to the number
to the amount there was when Luke was the leader.Darth Nilin's student
Darth Strander,was killed when he had attacked the jedi,Nilin had not been
heard from since.Mordale now was a jedi master and Luke Knight............

Chap 1 coming soon

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Old 06-12-2006, 06:24 PM   #2
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Bios
Name: Darth Nilin
Age:33
Apprentice:None
Weapon:Red saber
Aligned:Sith/Jedi
Home planet:Vavin 4

Name:Connor
Age:20
Master:Luke Korr
Weapon:Blue saber
Aligned:Jedi
Home planet:Skylerc
Chap 1 later

FEEDBACK please

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Old 06-12-2006, 09:35 PM   #3
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Ok Chapter 1 Connor’s message,
It was a good day, Connor thought. Then he saw his parents holding a Holopad. “This is for you son said his dad giving it to him”. “Thanks dad he replied activating it”. A face appeared. “You have been chosen to enrollee a spot in the Jedi temple said Jaden.
Please respond in 4 hours”.

Connor was on his way to Yavin 4, to become a jedi. Then someone asked him “who are you”? “I’m Connor, you are he replied”. “Chris Penin, son of Rosh he replied”. “We our landing on Yavin said the pilot”. “Great said Chris”.

“Since there our still few of us we will sign multiple students to 1 master continued Jaden. Connor you will be assigned to Luke Korr, Chris you will be assigned to your father”. “Okay, Connor lets start your training said Luke”.

Same training as Jaden in JA…

“Good job, your improving said Luke”. “Thanks said Luke”.

Stay tuned for Chap 2
The first misson

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Old 06-13-2006, 01:46 AM   #4
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A lot better. Written better, but still needs improving slightly. I think Niner was right when he said you would improve in this Fanfic. Good Chapter.
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Old 06-13-2006, 08:33 AM   #5
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Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic

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Old 06-13-2006, 09:39 AM   #6
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the idea is good, but please pay a little more attention to the grammar and the punctuation , in the story that is. normal posts dont bother


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Old 06-13-2006, 11:30 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by connor
Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic
It's a new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL.

When's Chapter 2 coming?

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Old 06-13-2006, 11:50 AM   #8
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i liked it


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Old 06-13-2006, 04:34 PM   #9
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Chapter one was good. You're definitly improving. Still, some of the quotations could be fixed.



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Old 06-13-2006, 04:49 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
It's new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL.

When's Chapter 2 coming?
working on now,btw RC 1162 did you read TSO this is a sequel to it

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Old 06-13-2006, 05:23 PM   #11
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Chapter 2 The first mission,
“Okay ready for your first mission Connor” Luke asked. “Yes sir” said Connor. “Okay some mercenaries found a planet and they want us to check it out since there scout never came back” said Luke. “Lets go” Connor replied.

“Here’s the planet” said Luke. “Good replied Connor let’s get down there”. They landed.

“Sir, a shuttle has landed” said the commander. “Good, must be the other mer. send stormtroopers to… dispose of them” the Sith replied.

“Master, stormtroopers are approaching” said Connor. “I see them” he replied. They shot. Then the jedi activated there sabers, blocking the shots. Connor flipped up, landed behind the stormtroopers and cut off there heads. “Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied.

“Sir the stormtroopers have disappeared off the radar” said an officer. “Send a sith then” said the commander.

The sith moved through the trees, planning his attack. Then the master, moved and he was off guard off a second. The sith jumped, pulling the master toward him. But the jedi slammed his elbow into the sith’s side. This brought the saber down cutting the jedi’s hand off, then the apprentice jumped up and stabbed the sith killing him.

“Thanks, Connor” Luke said after they attached a mech. arm on. “No problem master said Connor the he grinned I only saved your life”.

“My lord, the sith is dead” said the commander. Then the sith stabbed the commander saying “You have failed me for the last time commander”.

Stay tuned for chap 3
The new war

spoiler:
The sith is Nilin

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Old 06-13-2006, 05:31 PM   #12
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it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics


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Old 06-14-2006, 02:42 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jedi_exile
it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics
I have to agree with jedi_exile here. Anyway it was good, but if you want to read better examples of Fics, check out The Plight of Darkness, Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn, The Adventures of Jolee Bindo, The Crystal of Life and Hidden Shades of Grey.
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Old 06-14-2006, 08:37 AM   #14
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im reading tcol already im on page 3 ind i've read MWJMR it was the second fanfic i ever read

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Old 06-14-2006, 10:53 AM   #15
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Good chapter. Some ideas that I've come up with to improve your writing could be giving more detail of the surroundings and the characters' appearences. Also, like jedi_exile said, put more feeling into it. Make people be able to relate to the characters possibly. Give them realistic feelings. Those are just some things that I thought of while reading it. Nice work.



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Old 06-15-2006, 08:18 AM   #16
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thanks i hope chap 3 is today

spoiler:
a new treat is born


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Old 06-15-2006, 07:09 PM   #17
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Chapter 3 The New Weapon

“The droid is complete, my lord” said new the commander. “Good” replied the sith.

“Master Luke, we must move out” said Connor. “No, tell the merch. that the planet is not
safe and to never return, replied Luke. Then were leaving, lets go”.

They were now flying back to Yavin 4 with the merch fling behind, when one of the
merch ship blew up Connor Gasped in horror as the ship burst into flames. “I have a bad
feeling about this” said Luke. As a sith fighter appeared blasting the hell out of another
ship destroying it. “Make that 2” said Connor. The merch with them was so terrified it
was hard keeping him from killing himself. Suddenly Connor jumped up and grabbed the
controls. “What the hell are you doing” yelled Luke. But Connor didn’t answer, he
grabbed the comlink told the other ships something then hit a button 3 times. Feeling
confident Connor quickly zoomed up as 3 seismic bombs exploded destroying the sith.
“Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied.

“Send the army to Yavin there I will revel myself along my new weapon” said the sith.

When the jedi reached the jedi temple it was completely deserted except for Jaden.
“Where is everyone” Connor asked Luke? “We learned the temple is going to be attacked
soon after you return, we are exactly 30 yards away on the south side covered up
completely” Jaden replied.

The sith named Nilin planed for the attacked, General Grievous III would sneak into
The front using his invisibility cloak. As the army attacked all around the temple woods
since the jedi new of the attack. Nilin would go with GG3 into the temple.
Nilin felt they would win…

Stay tuned for Chap 4 Attack on the temple

Name: General Grievous III
Weapon: Vader’s saber, the saber Sidious lost in the fight with Yoda, Revan’s saber,
and Nilius’s saber.
Equipment: Saber proof armor, and the force and invisibility cloak.
Aligned: Sith/felloow kyeesh army


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Old 06-15-2006, 08:13 PM   #18
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Unhappy

i desided to make this a trilogy

EDIT: FEEDBACK please!


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Old 06-16-2006, 12:44 AM   #19
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ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly.


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Old 06-16-2006, 02:29 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jedi_exile
ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly.
I agree, but good. Also Sidious didn't lose his Lightsaber, Yoda lost his. I once had a General Grevious II. Maybe you should do that. And Invisiblity Cloak. Isn't that off Harry Potter? I think you mean a Stealth Field Generator (Off KOTOR/TSL).
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Old 06-16-2006, 08:23 AM   #21
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not really a cloak just like in SWTESB the officer says no ship that small a invisiblity
cloak thats what i mean. i thought they both lost them...

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Old 06-16-2006, 09:47 AM   #22
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Or what about a portable cloaking device, lol. Wait, no, that's Star Trek.

Good chapter, connor.



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Old 06-16-2006, 03:53 PM   #23
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thanks niner

EDIT: im now working on chapter 4


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Old 06-16-2006, 09:49 PM   #24
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Chapter 4 Attack on the Temple

The fleet landed on Yavin 4 30 yards North of the temple. The army started to move aro-
und the temple to the south planning to attack the jedi. While GGIII and Nilin went to the
temple... Nilin was now in the temple, he had told GGIII to go to find and steal all thejedi
holocrones while he went to Jaden’s private quarters. For 2 hours Nilin watched the battle
till GGIII returned. “Lord Nilin, I found all the jedi holocrones and this jedi who was
returning to the temple” said GGIII. “Good said Nilin satisfied .I could make him my
new apprentice, but now we must leave”.

When they reached the ship they heard the battle was getting closer. “Hurry general” said
Nilin. Suddenly 3 jedi and a sith appeared. The sith doing a flip landed and cut a jedi in
Half, quickly turning to the next and was about to kill him when the 3rd removed hishead.
“Master Luke Connor yelled help”. 1 of the jedi turned noticing them, and then charged.
Nilin pushed him back into a tree knocking him out grabbing Connor he jumped into the
ship after GGIII.

1 year later…
The jedi had been severely damaged after the fight for the temple and had gone into
hiding. Connor had turned to the dark side and was now known as Darth Grivis and his friend Darth Zan


okay guys need help on making a good cool sith name
for Connor
Name:Connor/Darth Grivis
age:21
weopon:Red x-saber
Master:Nilin/luke
Alinged:Sith/jedi
Home planet:Skylerc

Name: Darth Zan
age:21
weopon:Red x-saber
master:Nilin
alinged:Sith
home planet:Skylerc


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Old 06-17-2006, 05:04 AM   #25
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Darth Shadow? Though it sounds a bit cheesy. Good Chapter that could still use some editing.
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Old 06-17-2006, 09:10 AM   #26
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thanks pottsie darth shadow hummm its okay

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Old 06-17-2006, 09:20 AM   #27
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Interesting. I wasn't expecting Connor to turn to the dark side. Good chapter.



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Old 06-17-2006, 09:23 AM   #28
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thanks ninner, Darth Shadow and Darth Grivis is the best so far...any more?


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Old 06-17-2006, 06:32 PM   #29
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after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1

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Old 06-17-2006, 06:56 PM   #30
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Quote:
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after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1
I was thinking of doing a Fanfic like that once. Then I realised Maul went through Naboo's core and would have died anyway. Also, not trying to be rude or anything, but you must learn to improve your grammar and punctuation.
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Old 06-18-2006, 10:44 AM   #31
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im working on chap 5 I've made Connor Darth Grivis btw any news on AOLS and ATR

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Old 06-18-2006, 11:26 AM   #32
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Chapter 5 The days of Grivis

Darth Grivis was in a battle, fighting for the sith against the jedi and the republic. He
flipped up removing a rebel’s head, then he charged at a jedi using the force to rip the
jedi into. “Sir a sith wants to see you he is not in our army said an officer. He’s in the
Command post”. Grivis opened the Command Post to find a Zabrack in front of him.

Years earlier, Maul was falling strait through Naboo’s core. When he noticed a stump
like the jedi had grabbed. He grabbed it, with one hand grabbing his legs with the other,
he grabbed a cable gun from his utility belt and dropped the legs. He activated the gun
shooting it but made himself go down to grab his legs. Then pulled up, when he reached
the top of the cable he stopped and attached the gun to him and the legs, so they would
not fall. He got his second cable gun and shot it up taking the first with him when he
reached the top he shot the first. He continued till he was out. He used some crap in his
robe to re-attach him to his legs.

He flew to Korriban to find a sith medical droid. It attached his legs to him properly. He
went to a freezing plant and programmed a droid to free him after the sith return…

After hearing the story Grivis called his master. Nilin was astonished to hear the story
and told Maul to help when the battle and he would join the sith in 3rd command.

Grivis with Maul continued killing rebels, the jedi had left to help other soldiers retreat.
Grivis jumped up using the force to open the ground making thousands of troops fall
into hell.

Maul was promoted to 3rd command of the war to fight for the Empire.

Name: Darth Maul
Age: Over 80 but still is young
Weapon: Double red-saber
Master: Darth Sidious
Aligned: Sith
Home world: What ever the Zabrack planet is
Species: Zabrack

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Old 06-18-2006, 12:19 PM   #33
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Feedback please

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Old 06-18-2006, 01:21 PM   #34
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Zabrack is spelt Zabrak, the homeworld is Iridonia and one question. How can Maul still be young as an eighty year old? He isn't like Yoda, he can't live for 900 years. Anyway, alright Chapter.
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Old 06-18-2006, 07:25 PM   #35
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1 thanks for planet
2 He was frosen so he didn't age or grow
Btw im posting chap 6 tomarrow

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Old 06-19-2006, 03:18 PM   #36
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Name: Darth Vox
Age: 21
Weapon: Duel red sabers
Master: Darth Kagrun
Aligned: Sith
Home world: Skylerc
Species: Human

Chapter 6 Return of Vader

A sith student named Darth Shadow, had snuck into a tomb on Korriban…Shadow winced in pain a boulder had hit his arm cutting him, he moved through the hall looking for a tomb to open for fun. He saw one and opened it seeing nothing but a staff. He recognized it innately it was a scepter. The sith flew to Endor to look for the body of Vader. Seeing the grave he moved toward it. When his dead master appeared saying “go back to Korriban and destroy the tomb that you got the scepter from there is something else”. Taking the scepter from Shadow he reformed Vader…back on Korriban Shadow had destroyed the tomb and found a shinning tiny star. His master reappeared. “Touch it apprentice”. Shadow touched it and his hand disintegrated. “Ahaaaa” Shadow screamed in pain. “You have resurrected all the sith and jedi said his master. The jedi are being hunted down by the new sith. They all appeared on Dantooine. We appeared here…” he could say no more Shadow had died…

Vader flew to Skylerc searching for this Darth Nilin. “Hello Vader” said a voice. “Hello, Nilin” Vader replied. Go to Korriban your army is waiting for you.

Grivis ran trough the streets looking for Zan and Vox. Then he saw them “where have you guys been Grivis asked. Nilin is here, he wants to see us… Yes master Nilin…” Grivis started. “Vader is now first command of a new army of dead then alive sith. I want your squad to find out how they returned, leave immediately.

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Old 06-20-2006, 01:53 AM   #37
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Okay... Two things to say about this Chapter. First, thanks for using my Shadow name. Second, resurrecting Vader was a bad idea, because, he died good at the end of ROTJ, so he wouldn't be evil. It was an okay Chapter.
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Old 06-20-2006, 11:35 AM   #38
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He did not resurrec the good part of Vader only the bad

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Old 06-20-2006, 11:47 AM   #39
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Good last two chapters. I'm not sure if I like resurrecting Vader because he did die good, but Vader was such a baddie in his time that it seems kind of cool. lol



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Old 06-20-2006, 11:51 AM   #40
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Well he would be resurrected anyway every sith and jedi where.

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