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Old 07-05-2006, 11:33 PM   #1
Master Jimmy
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[Fic] Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic III The Second Sith War

Hi everyone, this will be my new fanfic after I'm finished with The Beginning of The Galactic Empire. It's about Revan's return to the Republic only to find the Jedi Order in tatters and to help rebuild it into the next great war. For starters, I'll write you the opening text crawl.



Star Wars



Knights of the Old Republic III: The Second Sith War


Mandalorian War Hero: Revan Skywalker has returned from the Unknown Regions in his search for the Sith. He decides to put it on hold and return to Coruscant to see Bastila Shan again. But he returns to see an empty temple, Revan then realizes that he and the Jedi Exile and Bastila must rebuild the Order if the Republic is to survive the events set in motion. For the Sith are waiting for the oppurtune striking moment.


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-06-2006, 01:27 AM   #2
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Looking foward to it.
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Old 07-06-2006, 10:12 AM   #3
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Yeah, meesah interested.
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Old 07-07-2006, 12:06 AM   #4
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Chapter One: What Remains

(Here goes nothing)


"Revan, this is what remains of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant." said the former Jedi Exile: Jaden Page. Revan stared out the window in deep dispair. "Why wasn't I there?" Revan asked himself "This is all my fault."
"You made a choice for the greater good, Revan Skywalker, this is not your fault."
"I hope she's alright." Revan said.
"Bastila?" Jaden asked.
"Yes... I can't lose her."
"I'm sure she's alright, my friend." encouraged Jaden.
"I hope so... I can't live without her."

The Ebon Hawk landed in a clearing inside the ruined Jedi Temple. "The Force is strong here" told Mira.
"It might be her!" Revan replied with hope. Revan searched the corridors calling "BASTILA... BASTILA, WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Revan?" said a familliar voice.
"Bastila, is that you?" asked Revan.
"It's been too long." answered the voice.
"I had to come back, I felt I would do a better job protecting you if I was close to you." explained Revan as he turned arount to greet the woman he loves.
"It is good to see your face again. I still remember."
"Bastila" Revan strode over to Bastila and they shared their love.
There was a pause, "I have waited so long for your return, it feels great to have you back, and in my arms too." after Bastila finished, they continued kissing. "Geez-Leweez, they should get a room" Mira told Jaden.
"I pity her actually, she has gone to great lengths just to see him again." replied Jaden.
Atton walked down the loading ramp of the Ebon Hawk and saw Revan and Bastila kissing in the distance, "I'll come back later"
Visas walked down the loading ramp "This is the temple?"
"Yes Visas." answered Jaden.

Revan and Bastila were through kissing and they both had many things to ask eachother. "Are we the last of the Jedi?" asked Revan.
"I'm afraid so."
"We'll have to rebuild our numbers, one by one." told Revan.
"I have a question for you... Did you ever forget me." asked Bastila.
"Not for a damn second." Revan answered "I left to protect you."
"How fast do you think it'll take to rebuild this temple?" asked Bastila.
"We just need the help from old friends." answered Revan. Revan walked back aboard the Ebon Hawk and called an old friend. "Jaden Page?" answered a Republic officer.
"No, Revan Skywalker."
"Revan?! Is that you ol' buddy?"
"Carth, aren't you a sight for sore eyes!"
"What do you need? I'm sure we can help you."
"I need a construction crew at the Jedi Temple ruins on Coruscant. We're going to rebuild the Jedi Order, starting here."
"I'll have one there straight away."

Hours later a construction crew arrived along with Carth and his son Dustil. "I always live up to my word." said Carth.
"I always knew." replied Revan.
"Revan... Do you remeber me?" asked Dustil.
"How can I forget that time on Korriban?"
"I'm aware that you are in need of new Jedi, and I'd be happy to join the order, seeing as if I have some experience with the ways of the Force." told Dustil.
"What place was that? Korriban?" asked Visas.
"Yes ma'am." answered Dustil.
"I am like you, until I met Jaden I was a Sith apprentice, I would be happy to teach you the rest of the ways into the Light." told Visas.
"I'd be honoured."
"Then your training begins now... Padawan Dustil Onasi."
"Thank you... master."

"I have one more question for you, Revan." said Bastila.
"What is it?" Revan asked.
"Why did you begin to love me in the first place?" Bastila asked.
"Well... On the Star Forge after our duel, I saw your pretty blue eyes return. I then realized that I wasn't just the one you wanted... I realized I was also the one you needed." answered Revan.
"What was I to you then?"
"You were the one I loved." After that, Revan and Bastila shared another kiss.
Mira glanced at them and quickly looked away.

"Do you have any ideas where we can search?" asked Revan.
"We can search Telos." answered Brianna.
"Visas has already found her apprentice" Atton pointed out.
"We're going to have more than one student per master, because we are the only ones." told Jaden.
"What about Vrook?" asked Bastila.
"He could be possible." answered Bao-Dur, "I'm sure that he would be happy to help restore the order."
"The outer-rim." suggested Mira.
"That's possible." answered Revan, "That's where me, Malak, Jaden, and Bastila were found."

"Query: Shall I motivate these meatbags master?" asked HK.
"Let them do their jobs HK... They're doing us a favour."
"Answer: As you desire master, signing off."
"Maybe you can help them do some heavy lifting, HK."
"Irritated Answer: Fine Master, fine."
"Beep whoop whistle"
"You can help do some techical work. Revan then turned to Carth, "Can you watch over my droids carefully? We are going to search for new initiates."
"I'll watch them for you."
"Thank you... Jaden, Bastila, Visas, Brianna, Atton, Dustil, Bao-Dur, Mira, Mical, lets go." ordered Revan.
"Our leader's back." Bastila pointed out with glee.

Atton and Mira took the pilot seats and prepared for take off, everyone held on while they made the jump to Dantooine.


Stay tuned for my next chapter: "Rebuilding Dantooine"


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.

Last edited by Revanscool; 07-08-2006 at 04:48 AM.
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Old 07-07-2006, 12:11 AM   #5
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notice that my last name for the Exile is the last name of the guy on my avatar and that Revan's reason for loving Bastila is dirived from the Led Zeppelin song: Sick Again. And moderaters, please don't combine this with my chapter, I want it separate.

Around here, in your own Fic threads, double posting is acceptable, but double post in someone elses threads or in other parts of the forums and that is where we go post deletion and combining crazy! -RH

well that's good to know


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.

Last edited by Revanscool; 07-18-2006 at 06:25 PM.
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Old 07-07-2006, 01:47 AM   #6
Diego Varen
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They're going to rebuild the Temple on Coruscant, why bother with Dantooine as well? Anyway nice start and I like Atton's comments there. Also there was quite a lot of dialogue there. Jae Onasi (Author of the successful Fic, TAOJB) has taught me to describe about places, etc.

Can't wait for more and I liked the look of this better than The Beginning of the Galactic Empire.
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Old 07-08-2006, 01:33 AM   #7
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glad you like it


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-08-2006, 05:01 AM   #8
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I'd think that it is necessary to point out that the villan is not created by me, it was created by Pottsie and was given permission to me for use.


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-08-2006, 05:07 AM   #9
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Hey, Revanscool, I've just thought of something. How about Darth Malus should be like Darth Malus the Great (But he could be called Darth Malus for short)? He could be one of the first most powerful Sith Lords since Exar Kun. Just an idea. You don't have to use it if you don't want to.
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Old 07-08-2006, 07:09 AM   #10
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Chapter Two: Rebuilding Dantooine

"We have just made the jump to lightspeed" announced Atton "You may now do whatever you damn well please." Bastila, who was rather tired, began to get ready for a needed sleep. Revan walked into her room "You look so beautiful."
"Is that because, I still love you?" asked Bastila.
"No... It's because I still love you." answered Revan.
"So you will grace me with compliments every hour?"
"Yes, pretty much... Beautiful."
Both laughed "You're looking good yourself, handsome." Bastila walked over to Revan and kissed him and Revan ran his hand down her smooth face "I love it when you do that" Bastila pointed out "May you sleep with me tonight? I know we're in space, but I still feel paranoid."
"I'll do anything for you." replied Revan.
"Thank you." said Bastila with a large grin. Revan and Bastila crawled into the bunk and kept close through the night.

Revan had a vision of what was to come on Dantooine through his sleep and woke up very quickly. Revan left the bunk and waited near the cockpit. "Do you think Vrook is still alive?" Revan asked Jaden.
"Yes Revan, I think he has a lot more years on him." Jaden answered. Bastila followed Revan into the cockpit "What is it?" she asked.
"I had a vision of things that might pass on Dantooine... The finding of Vrook, the residents banding together to help us, Dustil finiding his saber crystals... "
"I feel there's something you're not telling me." observed Bastila.
"There was one more portion..." continued Revan.
"You can tell me."
"It was about you... you..." Revan took a deep breath "Dying... to a lightsaber." Revan finished.
"You don't know that." Bastila replied.
"You're right... I don't." Revan quickly hugged Bastila "I will not lose you... to the Dark Side or death." vowed Revan.
"I believe you truly mean what you say." replied Bastila. Revan then kissed her forehead.

"We're coming up on Dantooine" announced Atton "We'll be landing at Khoonda Spaceport."
"We can ask the administrator for information regarding Vrook." suggested Jaden.
"That sounds like a good idea." commented Brianna.
"Dustil and I would like to venture on our own for educational puposes." told Visas.
"Yes you can." replied Revan.
"Thank you."
"No problem, Dustil"
"Hang on, we're going to land." told Mira.

Everyone walked off the loading ramp, Visas and Dustil headed left while everyone else headed for the administration building. Jaden led the way as for he helped the people of Khoonda two years ago. "Hello, do you remember me?" asked Jaden.
"How can I forget, Jaden Page." replied the administrator.
"We're looking for Vrook, we need his help. We need some information on his whereabouts. Can you help us?" Jaden asked.
"I think I remember him telling me about journeying to the sub-levels of the acadamy, you can find him there."
"What can we expect in the sub-levels?" asked Revan.
"Deadly creatures... Kath Hounds and Krinarths... But Vrook might've went for something different, he said it was very important." explained the administrator. Revan turned his head in Bastila's directoin and stared at her with a worried face. "Excuse me, but have you been to Dantooine before?" asked the administrator.
"It's been seven years ma'am." answered Revan.
"Oh... Well welcome back."
"Thank you."

"Ugghh... My head feels tingly" told Dustil.
"It will happen in a crystal cave." reminded Visas "This is the place where you will get the first pieces of your lightsaber... Search the clusters" Dustil searched the crystal cluster to find a rather large translucent crystal. "Ahhhh, this crystal has reacted to you... It would be of good use as a focusing crystal." suggested Visas.
"I will."
"First, before permitting you to search any further, you must tell me which Sith class you chose on Korriban." ordered Visas "Was it: Warrior, Alcolyte, or Disciple?"
"I chose Warrior." answered Dustil.
"Then you would be most suitable for a Jedi Guardian, look for a blue crystal in those clusters." told Visas.
"Excuse me master... what happened to your eyes? Why do you cover them?" asked Dustil.
"Focus on the task at hand." told Visas "We will talk about this on the Ebon Hawk.

Revan and his company entered the sub-levels of the ruined acadamy. The Force getting stronger, with every step. "I have a bad feeling about this." Atton pointed out.
"Calm... calm down Atton." told Mical.
"Atton's right, I too have a bad feeling about this." told Revan. The company continued to walk the sub-levels, until they came across a locked door. "Vrook is beyond... this door." said Bastila as she pointed to the door beside her "Revan, if you please." Revan stood beside Bastila and together they opened that locked door. Beyond that door they found Master Vrook Lamar and Master Vandar Tokare inside ray shields. "You shouldn't have come." warned Vrook.
"Why?" asked Revan. Moments later, beings appeared from worn out stealth field generators. "You're a hard man to find, Revan." said a horned being.
"What do you want with me? Who are you?" asked Revan.
"My name is Gan Ragnos... but you can call me Darth Malus... Grandson of Marka Ragnos." he answered.
"But you didn't answer my question yet."
"Oh yes, my apologies... I want you... to be my apprentice." answered Malus.
"I vowed never to embrace the Dark Side again... I wont join you." Revan declined.
"Then you will have to die." Malus said with a smile.
"If you have intentions of killing him, then you will have to kill me too." Bastila declared.
"Good... more of a challange." Malus waved his hand and everyone but Revan and Bastila frose in their tracks. Revan put on his battle mask and ignited his blue lightsabers, Bastila removed her cloak and igniter her yellow doublesaber, Malus ignited is two doublesabers "Intimidated yet?" taunted Malus, Revan and Bastila didn't answer. The three entered a fierce lightsaber duel. Malus kicked Revan's neck and Revan was immobilized, giving Malus the upper hand on Bastila. Bastila fought well, but she was stabbed in the thigh. Malus attempted to deal the killing strike, but his blows were blocked by a now mobile Revan."You keep coming, don't you?" asked Malus.
"Bastard... you should've killed me." repled Revan.
"That can be arranged."
"Oh no" Revan then cracked Malus in the face with his elbow and sliced his arm off. "You may have one this time, Jedi scum, but you will lose next time." Malus disappeared and escaped. Revan then ran over to Bastila to help her to her feet. "Are you okay?" asked Revan.
"I'll live, thanks to you." replied Bastila with a kiss. Everyone regained conciousness and saw to either Revan and Bastila or Vrook and Vandar. Jaden released Vandar and Vrook. "Why have you come back, Revan?" asked Vrook.
"We are going to rebuild the Jedi order, and we would like you to run the acadamy on Dantooine" answered Revan removing his mask.
"We will need to do a lot of searching for Force Adempts." explained Vrook.
"We knew what we were getting ourselves into." replied Revan.
"We will stay and watch over Dantooine, you find new initiates." told Vandar.
"Will you need help in rebuilding the acadamy?" asked Bao-Dur.
"No thank you." answered Vandar.

"Are you able to walk?" asked Revan.
"I have a bad limp for the time being." aswered Bastila.
"I'll help you to the Ebon Hawk." offered Revan.
"Thank you." Bastila placed her arm on Revan's shoulder and Revan helped Bastila to the Ebon Hawk. Revan brought Bastila to a bunk on the Ebon Hawk and sat her down. Revan then stationed his hand over Bastils's wound. In a matter of seconds, Bastila's wound was quickly replaced by skin. Revan then tore off a peice of his robe and covered that area. Dustil and Visas returned to the Ebon Hawk a shorly after. "Bao-Dur: Visas tells me that you can help me build a lightsaber." told Dustil.
"Yes I can." answered Bao-Dur.
"Can you help me build one?"
"You will have to have the proper pieces. You will have one in time."
"Okay." Dustil then found Visas on the ship "You said you'd tell what happened to your eyes."
"Yes I did." replied Visas "They were torn out... By a Sith Lord called Darth Nihilus: The Lord of Hunger, who was killed at the hands of Jaden."
"Ouch! I'm sorry."
"For what? It's in the past."
Revan walked to the cockpit. "I see the people have already started rebuilding the acadamy." observed Revan.
"We should go back to Coruscant and tell Admiral Onasi of this attack." suggested Jaden.
"I agree." replied Revan.
"Coruscant it is." said Atton "Everyone hang on."

The Ebon Hawk then made the jump to lightspeed.


Stay tuned for my next chapter: "A New Threat"


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.

Last edited by Revanscool; 07-08-2006 at 03:04 PM.
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Old 07-08-2006, 07:18 AM   #11
Diego Varen
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Good Chapter Revanscool. I liked the romance between Revan and Bastila and I like the Master/Apprentice relationship between Visas and Dustil. I also always thought Dustil was a Jedi Guardian. I also get the feeling Visas will be like Kreia.

Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.
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Old 07-08-2006, 09:14 AM   #12
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So where in the KOTOR time line is this, since Vandar died on visas home planet (I forgot what its called) keria killed Vrook and the other masters on dantooine. or is this like an AU because both Brianna and Mical are with the Exile.
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Old 07-08-2006, 03:02 PM   #13
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Well I guess its an AU because I haven't really finished KotOR 2 yet


I finished off the rest of chapter 2


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-08-2006, 03:26 PM   #14
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Just finished reading the other part of the Chapter. I loved the way you have portrayed Malus. He is even scarier than my Malus (That is why I call him Darth Malus the Great). Well done.

Also were Vandar and Vrook illusions?
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Old 07-08-2006, 03:31 PM   #15
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No, I didn't know that they died because I haven't finished KotOR 2


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-08-2006, 03:43 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revanscool
No, I didn't know that they died because I haven't finished KotOR 2
Sorry, I hope I haven't wrecked the story for you.
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Old 07-08-2006, 03:45 PM   #17
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nah, nah, its okay


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-08-2006, 09:12 PM   #18
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Chapter Three: A New Threat

Bastila woke up to find Revan sitting right beside her. "How did you sleep?" asked Bastila.
"I had another vision." Revan answered.
"Are we going to face more Sith?" asked Bastila.
"I just saw the Temple halfway done." replied Revan.
"That's wonderful news." replied Bastila "While we're on Coruscant, I would like to visit my mother, will you please come with me?"
"I'll do anything for you." answerd Revan.
"That's why I love you." replied Bastila.
"How's your leg?" asked Revan.
"You did a good job, Revan... It's fine." Bastila replied.
"You know that I'll always have that concern for you." Revan pointed out.
"And you know that I'll love you to the end." Bastila added. Bastila kissed Revan, stroking her hand through his hair, Revan stroking his hand down Bastila's arm. Bastila then locked her leg around Revan's back and continued on. Jaden who happened to be passing by noticed them kissing. Jaden then shut the door, he walked of smiling, he was happy for them. "Did they finally get a room?" asked Mira.
"Their room is off limits for the time being." ordered Jaden.
"They're not-" Atton began.
"They are." Jaden finished. Atton shiverred. Dustil was training to a saber remote, but was getting hit every time. "Your eyes can decieve you, Dustil... You shouldn't trust them." Visas waved her hand and Dustil's eyesight dimmed. "What've you done?" asked Dustil.
"Trust the Force instead of your sight." told Visas. Dustil raised his saber one last time and blocked every blast. "There you go." congratulated Visas.
"Thank you master... Here's your saber back." thanked Dustil giving Visas her lightsaber back. Revan and Bastila walked out of their room and to the cockpit "HEY, THE LOVEBIRDS ARE DONE" yelled Atton. Atton and Mira cheered. Revan laughed. "We're coming down on Coruscant, looks like your friend built a hangar." observed Atton.
"That's good news." replied Revan.

The Ebon Hawk landed in the new hangar everyone came down off the loading ramp. "Jaden, can you fill Carth in on the attack on Dantooine?" asked Revan.
"Yes, but why? asked Jaden.
"Bastila wants to visit her mother and she wants me to come with her." answered Revan.
"Then by all means sure." told Jaden. Revan walked over to Bastila "Honey, we will take one of these air speeders to visit your mother." explained Revan.
"Okay." replied Bastila with a large frown.
"Darling, what's wrong?" asked Revan.
"I don't know if she will be okay... Has her sickness worsened? I don't know..." answered Bastila.
Revan felt increasingly remorseful for his love "Come... There's only one way to find out... And that way is seeing it for ourselves." explained Revan.
"I guess your right." Bastila replied, climbing in the airspeeder with Revan.

Jaden found Carth "Carth, we have started rebuilding the acadamy on Dantooine... But we were attacked by a Sith Lord named Darth Malus The Great." Jaden explained.
"Did anyone die?" asked Carth.
"He wounded Bastila... But Revan took his arm." answered Jaden.
"Is Bastila okay?
"Bastila is okay, thanks to Revan."
"That man always looks out for her."
"She's lucky Revan loves her... She's lucky he looks out for her... I sense pain within her."

"Bastila... Your mother is going to be fine." said Revan trying to comfort her. He then realized that words wasn't doing anything... Revan grasped her hand and kissed it. "I know that you're trying to help... I thank you Revan... I really do." remarked Bastila. She felt increasingly sad and she started whimpering. Revan sighed. "We're incoming on the hospital." announced Revan. Revan and Bastila walked into the hospital, Revan holding Bastila close. "Excuse us?" Bastila asked to the receptionist. The receptionist looked up at Bastila. "Is there a patient here by the name of Helena Shan?" asked Bastila.
"Just let me check." requested the receptionist. The receptionist searched through her files and found Helena Shan's visit record. "I'm sorry to say that Helena Shan is deceased." apologized the receptionist.
"Bastila, I'm sorry." Revan apologized. Bastila began to sob. She lay her head on Revan's chest to hide her tears from everyone else. "I'm so sorry Bastila." Revan escorted Bastila back to the Jedi airspeeder and flew back to the temple.

When they landed at the temple Revan escorted Bastila back onto the Ebon Hawk where she can be alone for the time being. But before Revan got onto the loading ramp they were found by HK. "Statement: Master it-" HK began.
"HK, this isn't a good time... Something terrible happened to Bastila."
"Query: Did you two suck lips the whole time?" HK asked.
"HK!"
"Statement: As you desire master, signing off."
Revan walked away from the Ebon Hawk "If you want to make yourself useful, just stay away from Bastila for the time being... Her mother died."
"Statement: I now understand why you inturrupted me."

Revan and HK went to go find Carth and the others. "Statement: My most sincere apologies for your lover."
"Forgiven." replied Revan.
Carth had found Revan and HK "Is Bastila okay? What happened?" Carth asked hastily.
"Her mother died, Carth." explained Revan.
"That's horrible." Carth replied "I was told you were attacked on Dantooine, and I would like to come with you."
"You may." Revan accepted.
"Thank you. It would be good to be with my son again."
"He would be happy."
"Statement: Welcome back, Carth."
"Thank you HK."

Jaden then found Revan "I sensed pain within Bastila, is she alright?" asked Jaden.
"Her mother died." answered Revan.
"My apologies for her" told Jaden.

Back on the Ebon Hawk, Revan briefed everyone about who they were dealing with "His name is Gan Ragnos, grandson, and legitamate successor of Marka Ragnos. He claims to be the greatest Sith Lord since Exar Kun. He goes by Darth Malus: The Great, or just Darth Malus." explained Revan.
"Doesn't seem to great to me." replied Atton.
"Atton may be right." added Brianna "You did take his arm Revan."
"Do not underestimate the Sith... Do not forget I once was a Sith." warned Revan "Now we won't be looking for Malus right away. Our mission is to rebuild the Jedi Order. We will be searching for Force adepts across the galaxy."
"I'll stand with you to the end... My love." told Bastila.
"Like we haven't heard that before, Bastila."
"Go easy on her Mira, she's having a tough time."
"Warning: Do as he says or I'll gut you meatbag."
"HK." reminded Revan "Lets go." ordered Revan.

The Ebon Hawk made the jump to lightspeed and away from Coruscant.


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-09-2006, 04:53 AM   #19
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Sorry, I hope I haven't wrecked the story for you.
Don't worry I already did that a couple of posts up, Sorry for that too.
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Old 07-09-2006, 05:19 AM   #20
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Another great Chapter. Looking foward to more.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:20 PM   #21
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Chapter Four: "I want everyone to know it!"

(This is a short chapter and I know it)


Revan roamed the Ebon Hawk to find Bastila grieving about her mother's death. "Bastila... Your mother... I'm sorry." Revan apologized.
"Revan... I... Thank you... For being there when I needed you at the hospital... Thanks." thanked Bastila.
"I will always be there for you... I love you." reminded Revan. Bastila shed more tears. Revan kissed her forehead to make her feel less sad. "I don't think the sad days in my life can match to how remorseful I feel for you today." Revan pointed out.
"Revan..." Bastila clutched Revan's hand, "I hear that "I love you" comment all the time." told Bastila.
"Bastila, what are you saying?" asked Revan hastily.
"I still love you, Revan... I want everyone to know it... Everyone in the galaxy to know it." stated Bastila. Revan sighed in relief. "I want you to marry me." Revan was speechless. "But do you want to?"
"*Sigh* I'd love to... This is the happiest moment of my life." told Revan smiling.
"I knew it... I love you so much... Thank you." replied Bastila. Revan stared at Bastila's large open mouth grin then ran his hand down her face. "Oh kiss me you fool." demanded Bastila. Revan did as he was told very gladly. In the cockpit, Jaden put a big smile on his face. "What's going on that's good?" asked Carth obviously noticing Jaden's grin.
"Soon... This will be a happy moment for the whole crew." answered Jaden.
"Why? What's going on?" asked Carth hastily.
"Bastila and Revan will tell us all." replied Jaden.

Minutes later, Revan and Bastila requested attendance in the main room. "Everyone..." Revan addressed "Bastila and I have decided to get married."
"What?" asked Atton.
"Why, that's wonderful" commented Carth.
"A great idea." commented Jaden.
"What's wrong with you, Atton?" asked Mira.
"Nothing, it's a great idea, just a little surprised." replied Atton.

On Dantooine, Vrook sensed Revan and Bastila's happy moment. "A good idea indeed." Vrook said to himself.

Revan and Bastila left to their quarters. "I love that idea." commented Revan "But where shall we get married?"
"On your home of Delreia." answered Bastila.
"So it really is my home?" asked Revan.
"Yes."
"That isn't my home anymore." stated Revan.
"What?"
"My home is wherever I am... With you" declared Revan rubbing Bastila's shoulder.
"My home is with you too." Bastila replied stroking her hand through Revan's hair.

The Ebon Hawk continued to fly through hyperspace to Revan's confirmed homeworld, happiness throughout the crew.


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.

Last edited by Revanscool; 07-15-2006 at 01:20 AM.
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:27 AM   #22
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Revanscool, I didn't really like this Chapter much. Is Vrook alive? Also the shortness of this Chapter was slighty disappointning. Two errors but other than that it was alright. I hope you can improve the next Chapter.
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Old 07-13-2006, 10:48 AM   #23
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Really good ones! Sorry i only posted now. XD
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Old 07-13-2006, 08:45 PM   #24
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Hmmmm... I've got an idea... eventhough, then I believe Revancool have to kind of switch out the fact, that he maybe wants to play with Revan once again... I've just read what Revancool has written to kotorIII, but I would rather play as Dustil Onasi then... eventhough my master would have been Visas... And another thing... why not just try to take the Expanded Star Wars Universe in a count... I.E. Chapter one: Luke has gone to teach his three cousins Jaden Solo, Anakin Solo, Jaina Solo and I.E Lowbacca... they could have met other ppl in the galaxy then the sith... maybe even harder opponents ....
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Old 07-14-2006, 12:07 AM   #25
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Revanscool, I didn't really like this Chapter much. Is Vrook alive? Also the shortness of this Chapter was slighty disappointning. Two errors but other than that it was alright. I hope you can improve the next Chapter.
Well at least you were honest and I thank you for that. and yes Vrook is alive.


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Old 07-14-2006, 12:08 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by Jason Skywalker
Really good ones! Sorry i only posted now. XD
it's okay, thanks for the comment


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Old 07-16-2006, 05:15 AM   #27
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Chapter Five: Their Bond Of Love

"Did you ask her?" asked Jaden.
"No, she informed me that she wanted to." replied Revan "Then she asked me."
"Ahhh... If I were to go through the same thing you and Bastila are going through with myself and Visas... How would I make the relationship last?" asked Jaden.
"Spend more time with her... Watch her train Dustil then other apprentices she will have. Take the few seconds just to make her feel special, give her a compliment once in a while, as for me, I give Bastila 5 in 2 minutes." explained Revan.
"Wow, they sure aren't asking that much of us." replied Jaden.
"Start by observing her training Dustil." suggested Revan "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a "preperation"." Revan walked into his room and pulled out a blank literate holocron and started writing some sort of poem. "What are you doing, love?" asked Bastila.
"It's a surprise honey." told Revan "You'll have to wait." Bastila tried everything to see what Revan was doing, she tried to see it through the Force, but Revan was covering it well, mentaly and physically.

Back in the cockpit, Atton had a worried look on his face "This is a bad time, Carth" Atton told his fellow pilot.
"Why?" asked Carth.
"This will attract the attention of the Sith, we might lose both of them." explained Atton.
"This was their choice and we will respect it." ordered Carth.
"Fine." said Atton.
"What's going on here?" asked Mical.
"Nothing, Mical. We're just having a discussion." told Atton.
"Why do you resent the idea?" asked Mical.
"Because the Sith might be following us." replied Atton.
"He's right." told Revan entering the cockpit holding his holocron "That's why were getting married, finding Force Adepts and getting of Delreia as soon as posible."
"But Revan..."
"Warning: Do not question the master's decision or I will tear out your tongue." told HK warning Carth.
"Don't worry, Carth. We will have a little celebration between the whole crew." explained Revan obviously knowing what Carth was going to say. Revan walked up to Carth with his holocron in hand "Do you think Bastila will like it?" asked Revan.
"I think she will. But is it a poem or a song?" asked Carth.
"Song! I sent a transmission to a band on Delreia and asked if they wanted to play there." explained Revan.
"Ohhhh."
"They don't have the money to buy the more advanced synthetic instruments. So they use strings for a heavier sound." described Revan.
"I think that song will suit that kind of band." commented Carth.
"Good, thanks for the feedback."

Revan walked out of the cockpit and found Jaden observing Visas train Dustil. Jaden noticed Revan and gave him a smile, Revan smiled back and gave a nod. Revan was happy to see that his companion followed his advice.

The Ebon Hawk landed in a Delreian spaceport and were welcomed warmly by a few priests. "Ah Revan, Bastila, and companions. We've been expecting you. First we must ask you some questions." told the head priest.
"Ask away." told Revan.
"Revan... who do you want as the first male?" asked the priest.
"My best friend: Carth Onasi."
"Good, good." replied the preist "Bastila..."
"I would have to say: Brianna."
"Well... That was fast, thanks... This way please." requested the priest.

Minutes later, everyone made their way to a small temple. Revan and Bastila liked the idea because if the temple was too big, they would attract the attention of the Sith. Revan walked over to Carth "Can you hold on to my holocron and give it to the band after the: "main event"?" Revan asked.
"Yes."
"Thanks, First Male."
Bastila walked over to Brianna, "May you hold on to these, please?" requested Bastila.
"Sure, but what are they?" Brianna asked.
"My gifts to me and Revan... At some point before we kiss, can you give these to him and I?" asked Bastila.
"Yes."
"Thank you."

Moments later, everyone was standing inside the temple, Revan and Bastila standing face to face. "On the request of both Revan Skywalker and Bastila Shan, we are going to shorten this wedding for reasons of safety... Now... We are here today to complete the Force Bond between these two Jedi, with the final part of love... If there is anyone who would like to donate to these two people, please do it now."
"Do it now." Brianna heard through the Force. Brianna walked to Bastila and gave her two small boxes, Bastila took them and presented one to Revan. They both opened them to find smoothened saber crystals, Revan's blue, Bastila's Yellow. "Anything else?" asked the priest.
"I'll present mine at the small celebration."
"Very well... You may kiss her." told the priest. Revan pulled Bastila towards him and kissed her, doing so, Bastila ran her hand down his arm.

Minutes later everyone was holding a glass with a certain drink in it, either: Molson Delreian, Rare Tarisian Ale, or just plain water. After one glass of Molson Delreian, Carth walked over to the band and handed the holocron over to them, just as Revan asked him to. The band examined the song very carefully and then changed instuments to ones that will suit the song properly. Revan offered Bastila his hand, "You'll hear what I was hiding."
"Looking forward to it." replied Bastila and accepted his offer for a dance. The musicians going by the names of Jimmy and Jon started playing a soothing tune on their intruments, then it got heavier when the percussionist who was also named Jon joined in, then it went softer, singer Rob started singing "There as I left, it's the same as I'm back. Though the road is tough sometimes, my love for you won't lack." then it got heavier the same way it did, except Rob added some more lyrics "Bright rays of love, each have several paths. In your arms sweet baby, our love won't split in half. Kind of makes me feel sometimes, that I didn't have to go. And as I left the hangar, I thought "no no no"." The music went softer again, "Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me. In the midst I think of you, and how it's got to be." The music went heavier than before and Rob continued to sing "Did you really need me baby? And did you need me bad? Did you really want me baby? The man you love so glad! Did you ever forget me baby? That I would hate! Cause you were my first love sweet baby, the one I loved so great!" After Rob finished those lyrics, Jimmy went into a solo.
"I never forgot about you." told Bastila.
"I always thought about you. replied Revan.
After Jimmy finished the solo, Rob began singing again "Through the eyes an' I sparkle, Senses growing keen. Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen. Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow. We are lovebirds of one nest, The nest is in our soul." The band went into another heavy moment and Rob was begining to near the bottom of the holocron "You're in my dreams, with no surprise to me. I always love to see your face the way it's ought to be. Bastila." The band went into an even heavier tune "Never gonna leave you, never again. Seven years gone, oh my gosh, seven years gone. Seven years gone, holdin' on, seven years gone" Rob kept repeating that 5 times until the band was done, they got some nice applause. "This is what you were hiding?" asked Bastila.
"I wanted it to be a surprise." answered Revan. Bastila didn't know what to do, except kiss her new husband.

On Dantooine, Vandar was meditating, until he cracked a smile that Vrook noticed. "Is it Revan and Bastila?" asked Vrook.
"Yes Master Vrook, they're at extreme peace." answered Vandar.



Stay tuned for my next chapter: Recruiting




(The entire wedding song that Revan wrote is actually a complete re-write of the Led Zeppelin song: Ten Years Gone. (The re-write is at Bastila Shan Web Forums.) The Delreian beer is named after my country's beer: Molson Canadian.)


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

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Old 07-16-2006, 10:27 AM   #28
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Okay, where to start. Well it is an improvement over the last Chapter in length and it wasn't as boring near the end. Are Jimmy, Jon and Rob out of Led Zeppelin? (Jimmy Page, Robert Plant?). It just shows how much you like LZ. Anyway, I didn't like the ending with Vandar and Vrook much, but overall it was a good Chapter.
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Old 07-17-2006, 07:46 PM   #29
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Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, Robert Plant and John Bonham. just paying homnage to my fave band, that's all.


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New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-18-2006, 05:28 AM   #30
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Well, i ditto Pottsie who likes fics! Lol, i'm talking like Mr.T.
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Old 07-18-2006, 10:56 AM   #31
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I ain't getting on no plane fool! I ain't getting on no plane.

Anyway enough with Mr. T and I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.
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Old 07-19-2006, 08:21 PM   #32
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Chapter Six: Finding the Force

After the celebration, everyone was either drunk, or tired. Revan and Bastila were sleeping, but Revan was having another vision. There was a huge flash of light and he saw himself on Coruscant, could this be the future? Revan thought to himself, but it couldn't be the future because he observed himself and determined the age was 16. Then he saw himself quickly be accompanied by his old friend Malak then Jaden. Revan scanned the area to find Bastila much younger, she was about 14. She was then accompanied by a friend of hers and her new friend (at the time), Juhani. Revan could hear the voices of everyone, even himself, Bastila and everyone else at long distances. "I think that you'll be getting a big reward from Atris and the rest of the council." Revan heard Malak say.
"What? For that little deed on Taris?" he heard himself ask.
"That's exactly what Malak is talking about, that huge stuff." he heard Jaden state.
"Jaden Patrick Page, I had to, she was gonna get sold in an auction." Revan then looked over to Bastila and Juhani. "He's beautiful isn't he?" asked Juhani.
"The Jedi are not allowed to have such attachments... But he does look kind of handsome, one of the reason why I wish my mother didn't have me join the order." told Bastila.
"He's kind and heroic to, don't forget that." reminded Juhani. Revan looked back at himself and his friends. "That girl Bastila, she does look lovely, don't you think guys?" asked Revan.
"Oh she'd only be the girl for you." stated Jaden.

Revan saw another flash of light, then he found himself in a small room with Bastila, both a little bit older, by only 3 years. "Bastila, if we don't do something about it, we'll be speaking Mandalorian... We can win this war, together, me and you." Revan told.
"I-I-I... can't." replied Bastila with a deep sigh.
"Well I won't force you." told Revan.
"Good luck, and may the force be with you..." farewelled Bastila as Revan walked off "My love." she finished.

Revan saw another flash of light and found himself and Bastila in a Sith Interdictor Ship, both with their sabers up. "You cannot win Revan." stated Bastila. They both got ready to fight eachother until there was an explosion at Revan's feet, he fell dead on the floor. Bastila crawled over to him still senscing some life in him, Bastila stationed her hand over him and gave some life back into him. Bastila dragged him off the ship. The real Revan smiled and said : "Thank you, Bastila." but he was in a vision so he couldn't be heard.

Revan saw another flash of light to see him on the lower city of Taris. He saw a tall figure and he remembered it to be Brejik of the Black Vulkars. Revan looked around to find himself yet again, and Bastila in an opened cage. "You underestimate the strength of a Jedi's mind Brejik, a mistake you won't live to regret." told Bastila.
"VULKARS TO ME!!! KILL THIS WOMAN, KILL THE SWOOP RIDER, KILL THEM ALL!!!" roared Brejik. Revan saw himself run over to Brejik and quickly kill him, he was always a master of combat at close quarters. Revan saw a Vulkar try to kill Bastila from behind, but Revan quickly threw his vibrosword at him. "Well maybe those damn Vulkars will think twice about keeping a Jedi prisoner, as for you if you... Wait, you're Robert Plant aren't you?"
"Yes... are you okay?"
"I'm fine thank you."
"Let's go, Carth is waiting for us."
"Carth Onasi is alive? You are truly the bearer of good news. Please take me to Carth right away, between the three of us I'm sure we can find a way off this planet." ordered Bastila.

Revan saw another flash of light and saw him fighting Malak on the Leviathan. Bastila opened the door "This isn't over Malak." she force pushed Revan out of the room and then threw her saber at Malak. Malak caught it and shut the door. Carth pulled Revan away and brought him to the Ebon Hawk. Revan walked through the door, he wanted to see what happened to Bastila. Malak picked her up by the neck and started beating her to a pulp until she was uncouncious.

Revan saw another flash of light and the next place he was at was Rakata Prime. He saw himself and Bastila fighting eachother, himself trying his hardest to not hurt her. "The Force calls you home!" told Revan.
"Jedi propaganda." stated Bastila, she then fled knowing Revan was too powerful to best.

Revan saw another flash of light and he saw himself and Bastila on the Star Forge ready to fight again. After the first pause in battle, Revan attempted to convert her back. "Bastila, come back to the light... Face up to what you've done, I can help you." told Revan.
"NO! You're too late, you only want to help yourself." declined Bastila.
"In your heart you know that's not true!" Bastila attacked Revan again but Revan was too difficult to beat. Bastila threw down her saber "Finish it, kill me."
"No Bastila, I can help you if you help me."
"I have fallen too deep. I am drowning in this sea of darkness, you have no choice."
"I will not kill you. I can redeem you if you let me."
"But will you trust me for me not to kill you? I can easily kill you to gain Malak's favour."
"I trust you enough to lower my defenses."
"I'll help you. I can use my battle meditation to help the Republic fleet."
"Thank you, you have begun your path to total redemption."
"Wait! Is there a place in your future for me? Do you love me?"
"I do love you Bastila."
"I love you too, with all of my heart."
"You're not afraid to love anymore?"
"After this? No. Nothing makes me feel more safe than to be loved by you."
"I'll end this once and for all... I will be back and in your arms."
"Good-bye my love, and may the Force be with you." Revan saw a continuing flash of light and in a glimpse he saw Bastila geitting stabbed. Revan shot out of bed.

Revan walked outside of the Ebon Hawk to be followed by his newlywed. "What's wrong?" asked Bastila.
"I had a vision." replied Revan.
"What was it?" she asked.
"It was a reminder of how we fell in love. Nothing more." told Revan trying to hide the last part. "Let's get back to sleep, we're going to work tomorrow."
"Okay."
Revan and Bastila went back to bed and got a well needed rest.

"Okay, so where do we search first?" asked Mira.
"I suggest the we meet with the government." suggested Jaden "Then ask for them to bring the young ones and their parents there so we can search for Force Adepts amongst them."
"That'll work, General." commented Bao-Dur.
"Bao-Dur, the war is 10 years past, you don't have to call me "General" anymore." told Jaden.
"If that's what you wish... Jaden." replied Bao-Dur.
"It's settled then." told Bastila.
"We'll go to the government and ask to bring the children there." told Revan "Let's go." Everyone follow Revan and Bastila to the government building "Carth, HK, T3, I want you to stay behind and guard the ship."
"Yes Sir."
"Beep beep whoop."
"Relieved Answer: As you desire master."

All the Jedi made their way to the main government building and asked to have an aquaintence with the Prime Minister. They were invited in. "Ah you must be the Jedi waiting at my door. I am Jackson, the Prime Minister of Delreia."
"We're looking to rebuild the order of the Jedi and chose to begin here." told Revan.
"We don't have that many Force sensitives here, in the past 7 years we only had so many, 2 fell to the... whatdoyacallit? Dark Side. I think their names were Revan and Malak." informed Jackson.
"Then Revan redeemed and killed Malak over an unknown world. And he's talking to you now." told Revan.
"Ah... Soooo I'll announce for anyone with any strange experience with their kids to come here at once." told Jackson
"Thank you." thanked Revan.

Hours later they were greeted by only 12 kids. "Hello, my name is Revan. I am from this planet. I sence that you kids are strong in the Force. That means you kid get to be Jedi." all the kids started conversing about their fortune "Can I get your names?" asked Revan.
"Jill Meleau."
"Zak Zepnam."
"Jean Blanc."
"James Howellet."
"Logan Howellet."
"Mikel Kenobi."
"Emily Kenobi."
"Welcome to the Jedi Order." told Revan.
"We will teach you the ways of the Force." told Bastila.
"And how defend yourself with a lightsaber." told Jaden.
"You will also study diplomacy, history and more." finished Brianna.
"Unfortunately, we don't have any room on our ship, so we'll have to send you to Coruscant by shuttle." told Revan. The kids started conversing that they were going to Coruscant.
"Well they sure do want this." stated Jackson.
"That's a good thing" replied Bastila.
"Let's get to Coruscant." told Revan.

Revan led everyone back to the hangar where Carth, T3 and HK were waiting for them. "I made a transmission to Coruscant of our coming." told Carth.
"And?" asked Revan.
"They've finished it."
"That's wonderful news." told Bastila.
"Living quarters and everything, even a council chamber."
"That's wonderful news indeed." told Revan "Let's go."

The Ebon Hawk and a Delreian shuttle made the jump to lightspeed back to Coruscant to train the kids.


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.

Last edited by Revanscool; 07-21-2006 at 12:09 AM.
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Old 07-19-2006, 09:53 PM   #33
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I changed the name to Finding the Force instead of the intended name: Recuiting because the old one sounds alot like recuiting a military. just answering questions in advance. I'll also admit that Revan's vision is longer than the main part of the story and I might've turned Revan's vision into the main part.


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Old 07-19-2006, 09:57 PM   #34
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Mikel is the name of my best friend in real life and Emily is the name of a girl I like. James Howellet is the real name of Wolverine, and I wanted him to have a brother so I put Logan Howellet.


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Old 07-20-2006, 01:52 AM   #35
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Your life seems to influence your Fanfics. Maybe I should try that. Anyway the length of the Chapter has improved and it was nice to see Revan's past. It would be nice if Revan had a vision of their son from your RP (Zhar) and it could be similiar to ROTS. It is a great Chapter. This is your best yet. Keep it up.
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:55 PM   #36
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that's the best review I had so far


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Old 07-21-2006, 12:04 AM   #37
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Chapter Seven: Assignments of the students

"We sure didn't get a lot of students on Delreia." told Bastila.
"But it's a good start." replied Revan.
"Should we choose who we get now?" asked Mical.
"I think we should choose when we land." suggested Brianna.
"Ya think?" asked Atton sarcastically.
"Well it is a good idea, so then we can all get to know the new acadamy." told Mira.
"Yeah, you're right." said Atton. Bastila left the room. "Revan, can I speak to you for a moment?" Bastila asked.
"Yes." replied Revan following her. Revan followed Bastila out of the room. "What do you want to speak to me about?" he asked.
"Your vision. You didn't tell me all about it. I know you didn't." told Bastila.
Revan sighed "I didn't tell you because it was our wedding day. I didn't want to spoil it with bad thoughts."
"I'm your wife. You can tell me."
"You die by the hand of Malus... I will not let that happen."
"I won't die. I promise you." told Bastila.
"No I promise you." replied Revan "There is a calm that will last for some time, I can sense it. But events have been set in motion that can't be reversed. The Sith have returned, Malus is in hiding, and I sence he will be gathering up an army. There will be a war and the Jedi can not stand still... We will have to fight. I hope that what I'm saying is not true."
"If there is a war... I will fight beside you... Together. With you, my love." declared Bastila.
"I don't want to put you in harm's way." reminded Revan.
"You won't. I will follow you anywhere. On my own free will. You will always have my loyalty, and love." told Bastila. Bastila pulled Revan in for a kiss.

"Visas?" asked Jaden.
"My life for yours." replied Visas.
"You never told me what happened to your eyesight." told Jaden.
"I'll show you." Visas pulled off her red headcloth and Jaden saw two empty eye sockets and her long hair down as well "See anything you admire?" she asked.
"Beautiful."
"I can hear you walking over to me." observed Visas. Jaden clutched her arms and kissed her, Visas ran her hand down Jaden's head. "I never kissed a man before." told Visas "I loved it."
"I will cherish this moment forever."

The Ebon Hawk and Delreian shuttle landed and everyone got off. "First we all will explore the temple." told Revan. Everyone scattered out to check out the temple. There were thousands of rooms, hundreds of sleeping quarters and council rooms. Revan walked up to his door and put in: "Revan and Bastila". Jaden walked up to his and put in: "Jaden and Visas". Everyone picked their rooms and after half an hour, everyone got comfortable. Revan even offered Carth a room, he accepted. Brianna made her way to the transmission room "Planet: Telos... Region: Polar..."
"Brianna...?" said a voice with a lot of static.
"Mistress?"
"Brianna, where are you?" asked the voice.
"Coruscant. In the new Jedi Temple." replied Brianna.
"Who authorized the rebuilding of the temple?"
"Revan Skywalker." told Brianna "He has banded us together and we're rebuilding the Order. I came here on my own free will to ask if you want to help. Please Atris."
"Yes, I will come at once." told Atris. Brianna searched the temple to find Revan. When she did, she informed him that Atris will be coming. Revan was most happy of the news.

Revan summoned everyone to the Council Chamber where they would begin to chose their students. Only one chair remained and it was reserved for Atris. "Emily, Mikel, you will be assigned to me and Bastila." told Revan. The Kenobi twins walked over beside Revan and Bastila. "James, Logan, you will be assigned to Jaden and Visas." The Howellet brothers walked over to and beside Jaden, Visas and Dustil. "Zak Zepnam, you will be assigned to Atton." Zak walked up beside Atton. "Jill Meleau, you will be assigned to Brianna." Jill walked up to Brianna and stood beside her. "Jean Blanc, you will be assigned to Mira." Jean stood beside Mira. "These will be your masters until you achieve the status of Jedi Knight, then you'll be able to train your own students." explained Revan.

Everyone went to their own personal training rooms where the masters would ask a few questions. After that was done, Revan walked over to the console where he entered their classes. It read:
Mikel Kenobi: Jedi Guardian
Emily Kenobi: Jedi Sentinal
Jill Meleau: Jedi Consular
James Howellet: Jedi Guardian
Logan Howellet: Jedi Guardian
Zak Zepnam: Jedi Consular
Jean Blanc: Jedi Sentinal

Half an hour later a ship arrived, Carth recognized the ship because it was of Telos origin. A figure in white walked out and Brianna regognized it immediatly. It was Atris, ready to serve as a Jedi once again. Brianna showed her around the temple and told her that she had a council member's seat.





(I followed the lightside in KotOR 2 and redeemed Atris, that's why I decided to put her in.)


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New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-21-2006, 12:10 AM   #38
Master Jimmy
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there was a part I had to add in Revan's vision in chapter 6


Led Zeppelin + The Beatles = Gods

New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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Old 07-21-2006, 12:20 AM   #39
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Nice story. However there's some not great parts. Just a few:
Quote:
"...thanks," thanked <so-and-so>.
- You shouldn't put the same root word more than once in a sentence that close together.
Quote:
"...", commented <so-and-so>.
"...", commented <another-so-and-so>
Commented, commented, commented. Too many of the same word to describe what people are saying is a little too repetative. You could use words like "he added" or "he said" or "he replied" or something.

There's more, but that's what get's me. And do a spelling/grammar check too!


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Old 07-21-2006, 12:23 AM   #40
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alright, thanks for the feedback .


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New fanfic Metroid/Star Wars Crossover: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539 Chapter four is up.
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