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Old 07-16-2006, 04:19 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by igyman
Thanks people. Nobody said anything so I think I've solved the short chapters problem. What do you guys think? Are they long enough, or should I try to prolog the following chapters even more?
Well the length has improved, but I would type a Chapter out about three pages (Which is usually my minimum), but even then it still doesn't look long enough.
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Old 07-16-2006, 04:21 PM   #42
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I doubt I can make them that much long when this fic is concerned, maybe in some next fic I'll write someday.

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Old 07-17-2006, 02:12 AM   #43
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Well Chapter four has gotten a bit more descriptive and there are a few more details. As to the length problem, I'll let you in on a secret. My chapters average 4-5 pages typed at 1.5 spacing on Microsoft word. They would be longer at 2pt spacing. I'll suggest this though because I believe Jae mentioned this for her fic: try writing out an outline of each chapter. Organize it into the main plot and any subplots that you want to add. Use words and phrases that may invoke ideas for images.
Funny I suggest this but I don't do this myself. Mainly because I am an amateur poet and I RP my fics to myself. I will say their dialogue and think of their expressions when saying it. I also think of the already established characters and the personalities they have. Both ways work. Try them both out.

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Old 07-17-2006, 06:37 AM   #44
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Thanks for the suggestions JM12. I'll definitely consider them, but I'm not sure how much I will be able to implement into this fic without changing its plotline and style.

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Old 07-17-2006, 11:08 AM   #45
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That's okay. This is only your first fanfic, right? Your learning new ways to write and experimenting them.



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Old 07-17-2006, 01:08 PM   #46
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yeah, don't worry. it was my third fanfic that made the big box office, so you can be sure you'll make it big soon


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Old 07-17-2006, 01:15 PM   #47
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Exactly. I'll post chapter five as soon as possible, you'll definitely like this one and the next one.


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Old 07-18-2006, 05:00 AM   #48
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Chapter V

The next day Ralik reached the orbit of Ruusan. Like any skillful soldier, he scanned the planet's surface for signs of life, or artificial energy sources. He found none, but he remembered the dark figure's warning - the planet wasn't as empty as it seemed.

Ruusan was once a pleasant world with temperate flora and fauna. Forests and meadows used to stretch miles across the planet. Now Ruusan showed a completely different face, it was dry, barren and almost lifeless, consequence of a terrible battle. In the end this world was almost completely forgotten by other cultures and thanks to nearby nebulae it became almost completely inaccessible to the rest of the galaxy.

Ralik landed in a huge canyon, about three hundred meters from the Valley's coordinates and resumed on foot.While he was walking through the canyon, Ralik could see dead trees and animal skeletons that stood there as a reminder of the old face of Ruusan. During the entire journey Ralik had an inexplicable sensation that he was being watched, but he couldn't care less. He was confident that he could deal with anything this planet throws at him. About half an hour later he'd finally reached the entrance to the Valley of the Jedi. Suddenly a male figure appeared at the entrance. A purple beam of light was coming out of the device in his hand. He was a Jedi. ''I'll crush this fool swiftly'', Ralik thought to himself, but just then he heard another lightsaber ignite. He looked behind and saw another male figure, this one with a yellow lightsaber. ''Two of them'', Ralik thought while he tightened the grip on his amphistaff, ''this might prove a challenge after all.''

''This place is forbidden to the likes of you'' said the Jedi with the purple lightsaber.

''How jealously do you Jedi guard your secrets. We always knew your 'Force' was nothing more than a perversion of technology!'' Ralik said to the Jedi in a mocking tone.

''We never expected a creature like you, devoid of the Force, would understand a thing about its nature'', the Jedi with the yellow saber replied.

''Well, perhaps you are right'', Ralik replied calmly, ''That is why I have come here in the first place. To harness the power of the Valley and use it to unleash my own power! And you two will certainly not stop me. Or don't you know who you're dealing with?''

''We know, Commander Ralik'', the yellow saber wielding Jedi said with disgust, ''We know who you are all too well, butcher. You have slaughtered so many innocents, their screams echo through the Force. They scream your name, butcher.''

''I do so hope their screams gave the two of you nightmares'' Ralik continued to mock the two Jedi. They ignored him.

''We are the Zann brothers! I am Valon'', said the purple saber wielding Jedi.

''And I am Kelar'', said the yellow saber wielding Jedi.

''We have been trusted with the task of guarding the Valley of the Jedi from all intruders and we have successfully performed our task for eight years! You shall not pass.'' The two brothers said simultaneously.

''What do you say we test that theory?'', Ralik said arrogantly, ''This 'getting to know each other' conversation was starting to bore me anyway.'' Ralik finished with a mocking smile.

''You will regret your arrogance, butcher.'' The brothers replied and prepared to attack.

The Zann brothers ran simultaneously towards Ralik, one from the front, the other from behind. They swung their lightsabers at Ralik with the same precise timing that they showed so far. Ralik barely managed to defend himself from their attack by jumping sideways just before the brothers' sabers reached him. ''Impressive. They use team work tactics, but to a degree I've never seen before, when it comes to the Jedi. Defeating them may prove to be a lot harder than I thought.'' Ralik had seriously underestimated their skills. The brothers attacked him again. This time both attacked from the front. Valon concentrated on the torso and the head, while Kelar was going for the legs. Their attacks were so precisely synchronized, that all Ralik could do is try to block them. He didn't get a single opportunity for a counter-attack. The Zann brothers were slowly pushing him away from the entrance to the Valley.

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Old 07-18-2006, 06:04 AM   #49
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excellent work, igyman. The length of your chapters have improved. though, i can tell you ways to make it longer:
1) if youre having a lightsaber duel, try to put in as much information of what's going on. this will not only net you longer chapters, but also gives the reader a detailed description of the fight. same thing with space or air battles. try to describe as much as you can.
2) like many others here have already mentioned, try to be more descriptive of as many things as possible, like the facial features or the weather, or anything else.

this way, you can improve your descriptive and creative writing capabilities and end up with cool long chapters.
great work once again!


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Old 07-18-2006, 06:24 AM   #50
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Thanks, RC. As you've seen from the ending of this chapter, the fight isn't over and a more detailed description will follow in the next chapter along with more interesting events.

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Old 07-18-2006, 12:05 PM   #51
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I liked this Chapter. And I agree with RC about the longer length. I'm looking foward to more.
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Old 07-19-2006, 07:59 AM   #52
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Chapter VI

Ralik's amphistaff was slightly shorter than Ralik himself, so whenever and whichever body part the Zann brothers tried to attack, Ralik was able to block both of their attacks. Unfortunately, that was pretty much all he could do, though he tried his best to turn the battle in his favor.

Valon swung his purple saber sideways from the right directly towards Ralik's neck, but Ralik managed to block it with his amphistaff, then Kelar swung his lightsaber towards Ralik's left leg. Thanks to the length of his amphistaff Ralik managed to block the attack by pushing Valon's saber slightly downwards, just enough to move the bottom end of his amphistaff upwards to stop Kelar's saber before it reached Ralik's leg. The brothers broke off and started again with a different set of moves.

Ralik was slowly running out of options. The Zann brothers have been effectively pushing him further and further from the Valley's entrance. Their attacks grew more and more complex and thus more and more difficult to block and he still didn't have the opportunity for a counter-attack.

Again that mysterious whispering voice addressed him: ''These two are too strong for you to defeat without the Force. Listen to me, concentrate on the brothers! Good. Now gather the power inside you and release it!''

Ralik obeyed once more and managed to perform a Force Push on the brothers. He threw them at least three meters.

''Excellent'', the voice continued, ''Now concentrate on the entrance and run towards it.''

Ralik obeyed and in mere seconds he reached the entrance to the Valley. The Zann brothers couldn't believe their eyes. A Vong Force sensitive. Still they had a task to perform, so they rushed to catch up with Ralik and prevent him from exploiting the Valley's power.

Ralik entered the Valley's inner sanctum and he saw the source of its mysterious power. The voice addressed him again: ''At last. Now, hurry. The Jedi are coming and you'll need your full power to destroy them!''

Ralik stepped into the well of the Valley's power. He felt as the mysterious Force started to fully flow through him. At one moment he thought he saw a woman in the chamber.

She said: ''My son, how could you have fallen so far?'' and disappeared.

The Zann brothers entered the chamber and saw that they were too late. As Ralik saw them, powerful bolts of energy were released from his torso directly at them. The brothers fell on their knees, screaming in agony. Moments later they were dead, gray smoke rised from their cindering corpses.
Ralik slowly approached the brothers' burned bodies. He couldn't stop staring at them. He was excited and terrified at the same time.

''What happened just now?'' Ralik asked.

''You.'' The voice whispered, ''You wanted their death and you gave them one.''

''But how?'' Ralik was still confused, though glad his enemies were dead.

''Your confusion is understandable.'' The voice replied, ''This was a bit too spontaneous, but you will learn to control it in time.''

Ralik emerged from the Valley, his full potential now unlocked and ready to be shaped.

''What now?'' Ralik asked the voice.

''Now you must come to me.'' the voice replied.

''Where do I find you?'' Ralik asked.

''That you must discover on your own. If you succeed in reaching me, I will know for sure that you are worthy of what I have to give you'' the voice replied coldly.

''And what is that? My true destiny?'' Ralik asked nervously.

''Yes. And the untold power it brings'' the voice whispered.

''Where do I start then? You can tell me that at least'', Ralik insisted.

''Very well. Only one ancient vessel has left your future destination in one piece. Find it and the coordinates it contains within its ancient navicomputer'', the voice replied and fell silent.

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Old 07-19-2006, 08:24 AM   #53
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awesome chapter igyman! the only thing was that the mommy bit was a little...jerky. kind of like "why did you do this" and then going away. but the rest of the chapter compensated
i liked the force lightning you put in there. (at least i hope its force lightning )


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Old 07-19-2006, 08:30 AM   #54
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It was, but as you've noticed it wasn't the classic lightning we've seen so far. About the mother, originally I planned a conversation between Ralik and her, but as I wrote the chapter I realized that there was no time for it, those two Jedi weren't going to wait until Ralik finished his little chat with mommy, so I just put that one-liner.

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Old 07-19-2006, 10:47 AM   #55
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That's okay, it'll give him something to ponder, as well as the readers.

Great chapters, igyman. This is turning out to be a very enjoyable read.



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Old 07-19-2006, 12:07 PM   #56
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Another great Chapter igyman. Looking foward to more.
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Old 07-19-2006, 02:15 PM   #57
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Thanks people, glad you liked it. The next one will be posted some time tomorrow.

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Old 07-20-2006, 08:23 AM   #58
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Chapter VII

Supreme Commander Xerx was unusually happy this day. The news of Ralik's disappearance as well as the disappearance of one of their Yorik-Stronha's had spread through the Warrior caste. Some speculated he was sent on an undercover mission and others that he betrayed the caste and went to join their enemies. In the end only Xerx's opinion mattered and Xerx didn't really care why Ralik left. He couldn't wait to charge Ralik with treason.

It was only a matter of hours before every Yuuzhan Vong unit in the galaxy was alerted to report the traitor's whereabouts directly to the Supreme Commander. In the enormous spaceport above Yuuzhan'tar a worldship, Raktajorr, was prepared for immediate departure, should the traitor be spotted. Xerx wanted to dispose of the half-breed traitor personally, which is why he moved his entire base of operations to the Raktajorr. For some inexplicable reason, Xerx even moved all of his trophies to his new office onboard the massive worldship. Maybe he wanted to feel like home, maybe those throphies gave him extra confidence, who knows? The only important thing was that he was ready and eager to ''end Ralik's pitiful existence'', how he liked to put it.

A messenger hurried to Xerx's new office. It wasn't anything like the office he occupied on Yuuzhan'tar. This one was significantly smaller and instead of the bright green walls with black bone-like supports coming from the corners his old office had, the walls of this one were almost completely dark brown and, again unlike his old office that had a huge window overlooking the planet's surface, this office had no windows at all.

''I'm sorry to barge in, Supreme Commander, but the analysis of the missing craft's hyperspace signature is complete'', said the messenger nervously. He knew that the Supreme Commander is not a person he should cross.

''Well?'' Xerx asked anxiously, ''What do the results say?''

''Well, sir...'' The messenger paused. Little drops of sweat were running down his forehead.

''What? Speak!'' Xerx shouted, he was getting nervous.

''It appears, sir, that the vessel was headed for Ruusan'', the messenger replied.

''Is that so?'' Xerx said a little calmer.

''Yes, Supreme Commander.'' The messenger replied, ''The hijacked vessel's hyperspace signature points in that direction.''

''Ruusan? Why would he want to go there?'' Xerx talked to himself. The messenger stared at him, confused, waiting for an order.

''You may go'', finally Xerx replied. The messenger left with great relief.

''Ruusan?'' Xerx repeated to himself, ''Of all the planets in this abominable galaxy, why did he choose Ruusan?''

Xerx hated when there was something he didn't understand, but his hatred for the half-breed prevailed. Soon all that mattered was to track Ralik down and kill him. Ralik's agenda became completely unimportant to him.
Moments later, the intercomm passed Xerx's order to the Raktajorr's crew. They were departing for Ruusan.

*******

Ancient vessel. Those were the words that kept going through Ralik's mind as his ship rushed through the vast and seemingly empty darkness of space. He immediately assumed that the voice was referring to an ancient Republic vessel and there weren't many places where he could find that kind of information. It was too dangerous to return to Yuuzhan'tar and infiltrate the former Jedi Temple. Half of the Warrior caste would swarm on him in a matter of minutes, which is why Ralik decided to pay a visit to the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV. ''It must be easier to infiltrate into a backwater place like that'', Ralik thought, ''regardless of its Jedi occupants.''

Five hours later the ''Rebirth'', as Ralik named his hijacked Yorik-Stronha, was in orbit of the Red Giant and its forrest moon. Ralik landed about two miles from the Academy, hiding his ship deep in the jungle and continuing on foot. The weather was cloudy, a rain was bound to follow soon. The night had just fell when Ralik reached the Academy walls. It was the perfect time for infiltration, since most of the Padawans and Masters were asleep and besides, Ralik was part Yuuzhan Vong, which made him almost completely immune to Force attacks and detection. He sneaked in through the hangar. He was surprised by the lack of security inside the Academy. ''The Jedi have obviously put too much trust in this Force, since they thought they didn't need tighter security in a compound of such importance to them.''

Ralik had little trouble sneaking through the Academy and finding the Jedi archives. Now all he had to do was find the information on the vessel the voice told him about. He sat in front of a terminal and connected his pad to it. First he searched for ''Old Republic vessels'' and the terminal's viewscreen showed a particularily long list and an option to sort the ships by category. Ralik activated that option hoping it will speed up his search. The viewscreen now showed categories in the following order:

Old Republic Starships
Old Republic Freighters
Old Republic Transports
Old Republic Fighters
Known Smuggler ships of the Old Republic

... etc. Ralik glanced at the name of each category and then under a subcategory called ''Jedi vessels'' he found a ship matching his requirements. The ship was called the Ebon Hawk. The file said that this vessel, although used by various people, was remembered by one owner Revan, the ancient Jedi Knight who turned Sith Lord, who turned Jedi Knight. The file said that the vessel was last seen in the vicinity of Vjun and though the Jedi of the Old Republic searched for it quite a few times, it was never found. Ralik quickly downloaded all the data on the Ebon Hawk to his pad. He was just about to leave when two Jedi Masters entered the room.

''Intruder'', one of them shouted.

Ralik wasn't really up for another battle, especially in a building filled with Jedi Knights, so he simply applied what he had already learned he quickly Force pushed the two Masters against the wall and stormed out of the compound and towards his ship. Rain started to fall and as Ralik went further and further away from the Academy the weather was getting worse.

After a long run through the jungles, despite the hard rain and strong winds of Yavin, Ralik finally reached his ship. He managed to escape unscaved. Now he knew where he needed to go next stop Vjun.


Last edited by igyman; 07-20-2006 at 09:32 AM.
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Old 07-20-2006, 09:06 AM   #59
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oooh, perfect spot for a dark sider, the tension mounts!
good job on this chapter, igyman, though i noticed a few spelling mistakes. nothing much, but it would be better if you proof read before you post it


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Old 07-20-2006, 09:35 AM   #60
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Fixed, I think. Thanks, RC. I can't believe I've missed those after all that editing and checking. When it comes to spelling and grammar, I'm a lot like Hallucination - I hate that kind of mistakes.

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Old 07-20-2006, 11:32 AM   #61
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Good chapter. I figured that it was the Ebon Hawk.



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Old 07-20-2006, 11:43 AM   #62
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Glad you liked it. Here's a little teaser about the next chapter: a certain Jedi we've seen in SW movies will make a guest appearance in it.

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Old 07-20-2006, 12:51 PM   #63
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Glad you liked it. Here's a little teaser about the next chapter: a certain Jedi we've seen in SW movies will make a guest appearance in it.
I liked that Chapter. Let me guess? Is is Master Luke Skywalker?
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Old 07-20-2006, 01:15 PM   #64
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Damn. How did you guess?

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Old 07-20-2006, 01:17 PM   #65
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I think so,
good story igyman. but like it was said before, you should try to be more descriptive in your writing for future chapters and stories.
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Old 07-20-2006, 01:19 PM   #66
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Yeah, I know. I just try to put the action before the description, it's important to me that my chapters aren't boring to the readers.

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Old 07-20-2006, 02:12 PM   #67
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Damn. How did you guess?
Well it's a bit obvious when this is set after the Star Wars Movies and the only Jedi I could think of from the Movies is Luke. Anyway I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.
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Old 07-20-2006, 02:23 PM   #68
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I know, the smiley at the end means it's a joke.

Anyway, the next chapter will probably be posted tomorrow, check my sig and you'll know when it's posted.

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Old 07-20-2006, 02:27 PM   #69
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Looking foward to it. Also, when you finish this Fic, you could do a HK Fic. Unless RC beats you to it.
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Old 07-20-2006, 02:31 PM   #70
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If I think of a good story, I'll gladly do a HK fic, but as you said I'll think about it when the final chapter of this fic is posted.

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Old 07-21-2006, 06:22 AM   #71
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Chapter VIII

The Raktajorr approached Ruusan's orbit. Supreme Commander Xerx was once again glowing with satisfaction. He would finally rid himself of the half-breed pestilence known as Ralik. Little did he know that he was five hours too late. Ralik had already left for Yavin. None of the crew dared deliver that news to the Supreme Commander in person, instead they informed Xerx through the intercomm. He was so furious he nearly broke his amphistaff. Sounds of various objects flying through the air and hitting the walls of Xerx's office echoed from the comm. A hysterical angry scream followed and then silence.

''Where is he then!?'' Xerx shouted through the intercomm, terrifying the unprepared crewman.

''Sir...'' the crewman reported through the intercomm

''Where!!??'' Xerx's hysterical voice echoed through the comm.

''According to our long range sensors, the traitor left for Yavin, sir'', the crewman nervously responded.

''The Jedi Academy?'' Xerx said to himself, ''What would he want there?''

''We... are not sure, sir'', the crewman replied, utterly confused.

''I know that, you moron!!'' The Supreme Commander's voice sounded through the comm once more, ''It was a rhetorical question!''

''Yes, Supreme Commander. I apologize.'' The nervous crewman replied. He was shaking with fear. He was fortunate that Xerx didn't see him in that state, for he would have surely killed him for showing that kind of weakness.

Minutes later Xerx's latest order came through the intercomm - the Raktajorr was to follow the course of the traitor, but not to get too close to Yavin, lest they be detected by the Academy's sensors. A battle with the Jedi was not what they wanted now, only to find their fugitive.

*******

About an hour after Ralik escaped the Jedi Academy, Jedi Master Anduil Wrynn reports to the head of the Academy, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Luke was in his meditation chamber that overlooked the Academy's training grounds. He watched the Academy courtyard as the Padawans performed tasks, both physical and mental, that would eventually shape their minds and bodies into those of a Jedi.

''Master Wrynn. Have you come to inform me of the intruder?'' Luke said calmly.

''Well, yes, Master Skywalker.'' Anduil replied as he entered the room with obvious confusion in his voice.

''I already know who he is and what he wanted from us.'' Luke continued with the same calm.

''I knew before he even came here.'' Luke continued.

Anduil Wrynn was surprised and confused. He wondered why Master Skywalker didn't warn the Academy's security, since he knew the intruder would come. ''Had Master Skywalker warned the security, the intruder would now be in our custody and we would be interrogating him, instead of wasting time on meaningless speculations.''

''I felt him through the Force.'', Luke finished.

''Through the Force, Master Skywalker? But the intruder was a Yuuzhan Vong. I thought they are not a part of the Force.'' Anduil was utterly confused. ''What is going on here?''

''He was interested in the Ebon Hawk data, correct?'' Luke asked, interrupting Wrynn's trail of thought. He knew how confused Wrynn was about all this, but it wasn't important to him at the moment.

''Yes, Master Skywalker. He obviously wants to find and destroy a valuable piece of Jedi history. We must stop him!'' Anduil insisted.

''His motives for searching the Ebon Hawk are not known to me yet, but I sense a dark influence in his quest.'' Luke continued, ''Take one of the Academy's shuttles and follow him. Let him find the Ebon Hawk for us, but do not attack him until you learn what his intentions are.''

''As you wish, Master Skywalker.'' Anduil replied and left.

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Old 07-21-2006, 09:49 AM   #72
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good chapter once again, igyman. and Luke's lines reminded me of JKII-JO when Kyle meets Luke . great work.

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Looking foward to it. Also, when you finish this Fic, you could do a HK Fic. Unless RC beats you to it.
i think i've beaten him to it, because i've already started pre-writing a HK fic


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Old 07-21-2006, 09:55 AM   #73
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You go right ahead and if you need help with HK's lines, feel free to ask.

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Old 07-21-2006, 11:10 AM   #74
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Good chapter, igyman. The plot is really good.



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Old 07-21-2006, 12:48 PM   #75
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Quote:
Originally Posted by igyman
You go right ahead and if you need help with HK's lines, feel free to ask.
you think I need help with HK? HA!
anyway, ive made a slight change in something. i'm not sure if everyone will like it, but i'm not telling.


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Old 07-21-2006, 01:19 PM   #76
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Another good Chapter igyman. It was nice seeing Luke in there. Anymore Star Wars Movies Characters we might see?

Also RC, will you finish the Galactic Conquest Trilogy?
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Old 07-21-2006, 02:01 PM   #77
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Nope, no more SW movies characters.

@RC: I don't know, but I said if you need help.

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Old 07-21-2006, 02:41 PM   #78
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Another good Chapter igyman. It was nice seeing Luke in there. Anymore Star Wars Movies Characters we might see?

Also RC, will you finish the Galactic Conquest Trilogy?
yes, i'll finish it, then post the HK fic, or maybe i'll post the third GC fic and the HK fic together, depends.

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@RC: I don't know, but I said if you need help.
yeah, i know, i was just kidding


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Old 07-21-2006, 03:32 PM   #79
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I know you were kidding, I was just being a smart-ass.

Anyway, as before, the next chapter will be posted some time tomorrow.

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Old 07-21-2006, 10:38 PM   #80
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Comedic work in action and the master has just returned to witness it. I read the latest chapters and I have noticed a great improvement. It will be interesting to see how you will tie the past and the future together.

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