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Old 07-12-2006, 01:55 PM   #1
Lord Konohomaru
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[FIC]Clone Trooper Jedi

This is a fanfic about a new class of clone warriors, the Clone Trooper Jedi. They are jedi that fight for the clones, wear clone armor, use force powers and lightsabers as well as act as normal clones and use normal weapons.

Ok, here goes Chapter One

Chapter One: Max

A-203 ran behind a wall as one of the troops employed by the jedi chucked a grenade at him. Boom! It exploded. A-203 ran out under the cover of the dust and killed the man. But instead of the trooper, he found robot parts everywhere. In the mist there appeared a jedi. The grenade and robot were obviously a rouge to draw A-203 out. As the jedi use the force to clear the mist A-203 quickly used a force aided jump to launch himself high into the air, unclipped his lightsaber and threw it below him. The jedi screamed out in pain as A-203's lightsaber stabbed him in his abdomin. A-203 used the force to draw his lightsaber back to him. As he flung forward, lightsaber in hand he also pulled out a blaster pistol and started blasting POS (Pontoon Order Society) troops, which are a mercinary group employed by the jedi to help them defend the planet. A-203 did a frontflip as he decended to the ground. He put away his blaster pistol as his feet touched the ground.

"Report," ordered A-203 to a Field Commander.

"The enimie is loosing reinforcements. But we've lost a command post in the east wing." reported Commander Xal

"Take it back! We can't afford to keep loosing command posts--"

"But General, we've already taken two of Zanoo's major cities..."

"Did I stutter commander?"

"No sir--"

"I said take it back! Don't argue with me or I'll kill you myself!"

"Yes, sir General sir!"

A-203 left the commander to taking back the command post. He continued to the Bravo Squadren Commander.

"What's the report on Bravo Squadren?"

We've only lost 10 troops today!" reported the Bravo Squadren Commander Max.

"Magnificent, after hearing we lost a comman post that's exactly what I needed to hear! But I've got some news for you that your not going to like commander."

"Yes sir?"

"I'm afraid your being taken out of command for now..."

"What? Why? What did I do wrong?"

"You did nothing wrong... Your family... Max... I told them it wasn't safe to try to leave and come see you... But they wouldn't listen! They refused to obey the boundry laws of the battle... They crossed the line onto the planet... And... Got caught in dogfight crossfire... Their ship was blown up... I'm sorry, but your family is dead..."

"What no!!!"

"I'm sorry Max... at least they died happy... coming to see you... You've been dismissed to go to their funeral... I just can't believe your whole family died... Your mother, father, wife, son, daughter... There is one thing we recovered from your mother's corpse... We recovered this..."

Dear Son,

If you are reading this, we are dead, and we are sorry we did not tell you this before. On the day you were born, you showed a trace of control of the force. You can command and minipulate it at will... Even without the jedi's training. We did not let anyone know of this, because we feared of loosing you. We did not want to give you up to the jedi, and never see you again. Remember when you were five, and you fell on your knee on that sharp rock. You felt it with you hand, found it was bleeding, then passed out because of blood loss. Then an hour later you woke up, and there was no trace of the wound, and you thought it was just a hallucination because you had hit your head when you fell? In your sleep, you instinctively used the force to heal yourself, your wound was very real. We are sorry we didn't tell you this before, and we know you are fighting against the jedi now, so there's no hope of then training you now... but maybe you can learn from your friend, the one whom you don't know his real name, everyone just refers to him as General or A-203, we know he was trained by the jedi, and has a very good mastery of the force. We are sorry once again that we id not inform you of your unique power before. We don't know if we will make it to you alive, so we wrote this note, explaining everything to you.

We love you son,
Your Parents.

P.S. Your wife and kids are with us too. They love you very much as do we.

"General, have you read this?"

"Please Max, call me Malurk."

"Ok, Malurk, but have you read this note?"

"No, I was respecting your privacy."

"Well, please read it Malurk."

"As you wish."

Malurk read it over twice.

"Max, I have something I picked up off a defeated jedi, it's for you."

Malurk handed the yellow lightsaber he had picked up from the jedi he had just defeated to Max.

"Malurk, you would give this to me? For nothing? A weapon of such power... Thank You."

"I shall run this by my superiors, I shall ask for time off to teach you my ways, so that you may become a great Clone Trooper Jedi such as I am...

To Be Continued...


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Old 07-12-2006, 02:07 PM   #2
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good writing skilz, Lord K. but could you clarify if this is during Order 66? and if Max is a clone?


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Old 07-12-2006, 02:18 PM   #3
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I think its alternate reality imo


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Old 07-12-2006, 02:30 PM   #4
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Max is not a clone, he was actually born from two parents but joined the clone troopers. As for time span, it is near the time of SW Battlefront II. A-203, or Malurk was a clone, he was cloned from a jedi captive as explained. And thanks for the writing compliments, this is much better than my other fanfic, I tended to make Onri too powerful, as for Malurk he is not extremely overly powerful. More things will be clear in my next chapters. There was not ment to be a lot of clearity in the first chapter, it's supposed to seem to throw you right in the middle of something. But I assure you all will be clear in the end. Also I'm working on some other fanfics so be patient with the chapters, also this takes a lot of thinking so be patient also for that reason. I think I'll go play Battlefront get some sombat scene ideas for the next couple chapters.


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Old 07-12-2006, 04:44 PM   #5
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As the others said, nice writing skills, but you might want to work a little on your spelling, since I noticed quite a few spelling mistakes, grammar's fine though.

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Old 07-12-2006, 05:07 PM   #6
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Yea, I know I have spelling difficulties Next chapter will be coming either tonight or tomorrow.


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Old 07-12-2006, 11:01 PM   #7
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Here's chapter two.

Chapter Two: Training

"I am honored, master, that you chose to accept me into training." Max stated.

"You know I don't like being called master Max." replied Malurk sternly.

"Yea, ok."

"Okay, this is not any normal jedi training. I will teach you my way. I use a combination of clone weaponry and fighting styles as well as lightsabers and jedi fighting styles. I shalln't teach you the jedi code or any of that other non-sensable stuff. I'll teach you how I fight and control my powers, as well as all the jedi's flaws."

And with that, Max's training began. The jedi would have said that this was not a time to teach him for he was greaving for his fallen family. Yet Malurk's teaching were enlaced with soldier, jedi, and sith ideals. He taught Max to embrace his anger, yet not letting his emotions control him and also he taught him ways to minipulate the force to heal himself, to hurt others, and to help his performance on the battlefield.

****

Max's training was almost complete. He only had to prove himself in a challenge. He had to last ten minutes with Malurk in the ring without giving up. Then, the day came...

"Are you ready for this?" Malurk asked.

"Yes, Malurk I am ready." replied Max.

"Then let us begin!"

Max advanced on Malurk, utilizing everything he learned in his training. He charged toward Malurk, then used the force to push Malurk to the ground, as he used a force aided jump to attatch himself to the high roof of the hanger they chose to battle in. Malurk got up, but didn't see Max, but he sensed him above, a think that Max overlooked. Max jumped down towards Malurk, while simaltaniously shielding himself. He came down on Malurk like a bullet, speeding torwards him in a dive lightsaber in hands. Malurk quickly dodged him and threw his lightsaber. Max did a backflip and landed on his feet. Reading Malurks movements and intentions, he quickly flew into the air. Max tended to use a fighting style that led the them both to fighting in the air.

Malurk jumped up to meet Max as he drew his lightsaber back to him. They battle on for about five more minutes like that. Then on the eighth minute, something strange took place. The abandoned hanger on Zanoo shook viciously.

"Looks like your training will end here. I had no doubts you would not make it past the tenth minute anyway. Something must have crashed outside. I also sense a disterbance in the force, I may need your help on this one Max." preached Marlurk.

"I sensed it as well and I will help you, whatever it is, it is evil, I assume you have sensed that as well, Marlurk." Max said back willingly.

"Are you ready, Max, because I have a feeling once we start this, there is no turning back."

"I am ready."

[To Be Continued]


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Old 07-13-2006, 01:14 AM   #8
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Alrighty then. Interesting story thus far


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Old 07-13-2006, 08:29 AM   #9
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Thank you, though I feel I cut short chapter 2, I may go edit out this part: *They battle on for about five more minutes like that.* That part may have needed more battle coverge of Max utilizing his training because I did not cover his training.


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Old 07-14-2006, 12:43 PM   #10
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I think you have some good ideas to give you a good start on the story.
My biggest issue--slow down. You go from a battlefield to a meeting to a death announcement to a Jedi revelation to training, all in 2 chapters. That's a lot to cover! Makes me feel like I'm on a roller coaster, speeding along, with no time to rest and take in what's going on.
Spelling and grammar--here's what I do--I write it in Word, then I do a spell check. Then I read it out loud to my son, which lets me catch some mistakes that I couldn't 'see' when reading it to myself, and lets me catch my biggest problems which are repeating words and making sentences too long/complex. Then I save, copy, and then paste here on LF and add the line breaks here.
Keep going--it'll be interesting to see how he develops his Jedi skills.


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Old 07-14-2006, 01:09 PM   #11
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Malurk seems more interesting than I first thought. Is there a background story for his methods of training?

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Old 07-15-2006, 12:10 AM   #12
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igyman, more will come, but I'm only working on the beginning chapters right now. As for you Jae, thanks for the review, but I don't have a son/daughter and I don't have word. I've tried to get word but I don't know how for one and I've looked for unoffical downloads of it so I don't have to pay but I can't find any, though I'm serching on google and MSN I am also aware that the start was going very fast, but not as much, because more came before this but you were supposed to be thrown it without information, makes me start interesting, and have more boring parts inbetween action. Also, I am thinking up so much stuff, I don't want to not write it down and forget very crutial_to_storyline things. And for not having many chapters, it is because I am doing more than one thing, reading fanfics, started playing KotOR again, talking on MSN, babysitting my bro and sis, cleaning the house cuz I'm forced by my mom, and I could go on for longer than my fanfic chapters I'm posting my next chapter as I write it now, as I feel it helps it flow, I'll go back and check the chapters for mistakes one day when I have writer's block
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Old 07-15-2006, 12:51 AM   #13
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Any word processing program should do--almost all have some form of a spellchecker. I suggested Word because it's the most common. Unless you have a Mac or built your own computer, you probably have Word or Works on your computer somewhere (though don't quote me--I've been known to be wrong more than a few times. )

I have a separate file of 'ideas' so that I don't forget them--I jot them down as they come to me. I can't tell you how many scraps of paper I've written stuff down on until I could copy them into my idea file. Now I keep one of those little tiny notepads in my purse, and I write down things whenever they come to me, because I never know when I'll get too busy to remember them later on. My story got long enough that I had to start using an outline to keep it all straight and to keep me on target.

You might not have kids yourself, but you might be able to read the stories to your siblings if they're old enough.


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Old 07-16-2006, 02:09 AM   #14
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Here goes chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Coming of Evil

Malurk and Max rushed outside the hanger. As they thought, a ship had crashed right outside

the hanger. But it didn't look like an ordinary crash, it looked like a controlled crash. As

they were surveying the crash, they were ambushed! Max and Malurk drew there lightsabers,

activated them, and whirled around in defence, catching both enemies lightsabers inches from

their body.

"Who are you and why did you attack us?" Malurk demanded.

"I am Lord Kvash, and this is my loyal apprentice, Migumi." Kvash stated.

"Well, it looks like you want to fight, well I say, bring it!"

Malurk took a swing at Kvash, who easily blocked it, then kicked Kvash, a spontaneous action

even he was not expecting, he was thinking that was the force acting for him. The kick

knocked Kvash of balance, toppling him to the ground, but instead of taking a quick final

slash and killing him, he decided to save Max, by throwing his lightsaber quickly, he

slightly clipped her in the side, not making her incapable of defending herself, but making

it possible for Max to live fighting her. Malurk then focused on Kvash.

Malurk jumped into the air, then at the hight of his jump, he did a backflip onto the ruins

of Kvash's purposely crashed ship, thus, making Kvash have to jump up to meet him. In this,

Malurk threw his lightsaber at where Kvash was, obviously knowing he was jumping as he did

so, and leaving himself unarmed. Then, Kvash eying the sith lord that he is, flew at Malurk

with all his arger, then coming threateningly close to him, being the first time opponent of

Malurk, Kvash did not know that with new opponents, he tended to use a surprise attack with

his lightsaber throw from behind. Kvash focusing completely on Malurk, did not sense the

lightsaber coming from behind him to it was too late, but he did manage to save his own

life. By ducking, Kvash was only sliced ever so thinly on his right shoulder.
****


Meanwhile, Max was stuck in a fierce lightsaber-to-lightsaber combat with Migumi. Max

slashed vertically, his hopes were then dashed as he was blocked by a vertical red

lightsaber. He swung again, this time from below, but at the last minute, jumping and

throwing his lightsaber at the same time, and while she deflected part of the lightsaber, it

went out of control and sliced off her left pinkie. Migumi screamed out in pain, but did not

forget the battle, she slammed her lightsaber against Max's returning one and doubling its

speed, one again making it fly wildly off the handle, and it cleanly severed Max's right

hand off, through his clone body armor. He didn't flinch as he expertly threw his lightsaber

into his other hand and defended himself. Though he did not scream in pain, Migumi saw the

pain in his eyes. She suddenly stopped fighting.

"I have done my damage here," she told him. "I refuse to kill you, even if you are the

exine. I will even ease your pain with my force powers."

"Thank You..." Max replied. "You are truly an honorable fighter. I have a question for you,

would you like to join me and Malurk?"

"No, I have a master..." said Migumi doubtingly. "Lord Kvash is my master."

"Well the offer is always open... As I'm sure Malurk will agree."

Migumi started to leave...

"No, wait... I want you to have this kolto I pocketed in a republic medical facility, it's

for you wound on you side."

"Thank You as well, Max, this will heal it perfectly. And I will keep you offer in mind."

"Leave me be so I can help Malurk please..." Malurk said painfully. "Beautiful..." Max added

at softly.
****


Malurk grabbed his lightsaber after it sliced Kvash's shoulder. He swung again, blocked!

Then again, blocked! Malurk had sensed Max's defeat and was now angry. He went on a wild

flurry of attacks against Kvash. Each and every one was blocked, over and over Malurk tried

and tried, with no success. He was slowly forced backwards and backwards, until Malurk was

on the edge of the platform they were standing on. Malurk then jumped very low, then slammed

his lightsaber into Kvash's, buckling his arms, making them collapse onto his chest, making

him drop his lightsaber. Malurk quickly picked it up and reignited it.

"Now you die Kvash, it's a pity, really. You are a sith lord, and I am a mere Clone Trooper

Jedi, yet I destroyed you so easily..." Malurk said to Kvash.

At that very moment, Malurk had let his guard down. Kvash saw his chance, and he took it to.

Kvash used force lightning on Malurk. Malurk, surprised, was electrocuted, but due to

Kvash's low amount of strength left, he could not kill Malurk. Malurk looked disgusted.

"I am about to kill you, and you have the nerve to defy me?! You are looking to die." Malurk

yelled.

Malurk raised his lightsaber and the one he stole from Kvash in the shape on an X. As he was

about to slice Kvash's head off, he was interrupted by Max's screaming voice.

"Max?!" Malurk yelled.

Kvash took this as yet another chance to kill Malurk, but he had learned from his last

mistake, the limits of his current power left, so he took a different approach. Kvash

decided to guide his lightsaber back to his hand out and out of Malurk's. He had succeeded.

Malar was alerted to his senseless deed by the lack of his stolen lightsaber. Malurk spun

around and caught Kvash's lightsaber just as before. Malurk could not believe that Kvash

stood up, let alone started fighting again. It was then that Malurk sensed the true amount

of power that Kvash possessed. Once again, Malurk's and Kvash's lightsabers clashed. This

time, with more determination. Kvash struck to the right, Malurk blocked it and forced Kvash

back. Then Malurk made a counter attack and made an overhead slash at Kvash. Kvash blocked

it, then slung it away from Malurk. Quickly then, he stabbed Malurk in the shoulder. Malurk

screamed in agony. Kvash ran. He ran despite his many injuries. He ran because of his desire

to live. He ran to his flagship that had landed on the other side of the hanger.
****

When Kvash arrived at the ship, he saw Migumi was already there, with a medical droid

tending to a wound on her side. He told the medical droid to heal his wounds...
****

Malurk ran to find Max, and found him there, looking for him as well.

"We must get you to a medical facility!" they said in unison.

They continued on, helping each other, trying to get to the military hospital not to far

away.
****

Much later...

Malurk's wound on his shoulder had been healed and Max had been fit with a mechanical hand.

As for Kvash and Migumi, they had both recovered, but an interesting conversation was

starting between them...

"Well, is the clone jedi dead?" Kvash asked Migumi.

"No, I spared his life, it was the honorable thing to do, I had already severed his hand,

rendering him unable to fight me, so I left him there." replied Migumi, not mentioning her

easing of his pain or his comments and giving her the kelto.

"Did I not tell you to kill him?!" yelled Kvash infuriated.

"Yes, but..."

"No, I told you to kill him!"

"But master..."

"No leave me."

"As you wish master."

The next day, Kvash woke up, only to be told that one of the escape pods was gone, no one saw who took it, and Migumi was not in her chambers...

[To Be Continued]

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Old 07-16-2006, 10:12 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
My biggest issue--slow down. You go from a battlefield to a meeting to a death announcement to a Jedi revelation to training, all in 2 chapters. That's a lot to cover! Makes me feel like I'm on a roller coaster, speeding along, with no time to rest and take in what's going on.
Another thing on the speed, the battlefield wasa minor scene setting part, and the death announcement and jedi revelation was combined. As for the training, the chapter separation I counnted as a scene changer.
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Old 07-17-2006, 03:40 PM   #16
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This chapter was very confusing for me, to be precise: I'm confused as to who is Malurk? Is he a Jedi, or a Clone Trooper? If he is a Clone Trooper, then how could he teach Max to use the Force?

Again, you might want to work on your spelling, this chapter seems as it was typed really fast, it has the most typing errors of the three chapters you posted so far. I'm not telling you this to annoy you, I'm telling you this because sometimes bad typing can cause people to misunderstand what you were trying to say, or not understand it at all.

The two new characters have very interesting and original names and that's a big plus.

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Old 07-17-2006, 05:05 PM   #17
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Good job so far, Lord Konohomaru. That last chapter was a little confusing. I can tell that you tried hard to make the fighting detailed.

The title of this fic appealed to me, lol.

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Old 07-17-2006, 05:24 PM   #18
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Yea I am wondering how you can make that mission into a fanfic. But I guess it is possible. I've been having trouble holding the refinery on Kashyyyk, I guess I should check the battlefront forums though... I havent tried that. I'm working on the next chapter as we speak. It may be confusing for one because this is a fast pased fanfic, and two because I strived for a long detailed chapter unlike most of my other chapters. I still wantd to write more on it but it was two in the morning. As for Malurk he is also known as A-203 who is a clone and a jedi, he was cloned from a jedi. There may have been some confusion with the name change. As for the new names Kvash is original but Migumi is a pretty common japanese name, though she is not japanese it was a good name to use.

Edited Chapter 3 and ran through spell check on my new program that has it.


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Old 07-17-2006, 07:48 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Konohomaru
Yea I am wondering how you can make that mission into a fanfic.
You won't believe it until you read it.



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Old 07-18-2006, 02:37 PM   #20
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I've got a question to ask. I'm thinking of a reserection of the rakghoul(spell?) disease. Anyone for or against.


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Old 07-18-2006, 03:11 PM   #21
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You should make a new disease that later turns out to be a mutant strain of the Rakghoul disease, it would be more original.

P.S. You might want to recheck my signature, my fic has reached a very interesting point.

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