lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: [Fic] Tearing the Veil From Grace
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 03-29-2007, 06:56 AM   #1
The Rhythm Schism
The_Catto's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New South Wales, Australia.
Posts: 1,200
Current Game: KotOR
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
[Fic] Tearing the Veil From Grace

Tearing the Veil from Grace.

The sound of a fall is just like the breath of a whisper. The time in which to fall, is short. The consequences of falling are incomprehensible.
But to some, the consequences are of no matter. All who fall, desire only one thing: Power. To succumb to such thoughts of desiring more power than what you already have, is of the Dark Side; everybody knows that. Right?
Sometimes, you do what you feel is right; some people however, may think what you do to be wrong and will want to stop you doing what you want to do. But we can’t have that. Can we? We all think that what we do is right, even when we’re doing it. Perhaps, there can be times after what has been done that there is certain after thoughts, but that is of no matter.

You cannot have new things without old things. It’s just the common knowledge. It’s the same with the Light and the Dark: You cannot have one, without the other. But some may think otherwise. And that’s what this story, is all about . . .


‘Then why are you doing this?’ yelled Ziara Divek; once Jedi Exile, now leader of the newly formed Jedi Council on Dantooine.

‘I am sorry,’ yelled back Atton Rand, her once was lover and best-friend, ‘But it is not something you could never hope to understand!’

‘I will understand if you let me!’ she cried, ‘Do not do this Atton! Think of all the lives you will destroy. All the lives you have destroyed. It’s inhumane!’

‘You just do not know.’ is all he replied before a swirling mass of mist and
despair rolled in and covered her sight of him. Her vision went to blackness and she suddenly heard piercing cries. Ziara snapped open her eyes and looked about her room. For a moment she thought that he was there, skulking in the darkness of the corners. But there was nothing; not a thing.

She reluctantly got up out of her bed and walked into the other room just beside her own where a baby, not only a year old was screaming his lungs out wanting attention. She smiled and picked him up.

‘You look just like your father,’ she said. Then grimaced, ‘Urgh! And smell just like him to!’ as the reason of why he was crying slowly reached her nostrils.


It had been four years since that day when the planet of Malachor V and the spirit of Master Kreia faded slowly into the deep reaches of Space. It was not easy to forget the last time that Ziara had looked into the old woman’s eyes and felt the foundations of the Trayus Academy fall apart all around her. It was apart of her now and she doubted that it would ever leave her mind for good. But she had other worries and responsibilities now. She has a baby son and he is all that matters to her now.
Once everything was gone and in the past, Ziara and Atton Rand landed on the grassy plains of Dantooine and it was there that they had decided to make their home. One year later there was a bundle of joy that echoed through the halls and corridors of their home every day (and it seemed) every second of every night.

All was well. There was no danger for the time being for them on Dantooine and they settled in nicely. But that’s when things started to go astray. Atton became distressed, dismayed and arrogant. He neglected his son, whom they named Aran, and separated himself from his wife. He became distant to all around him and spent most of the long days walking in the dark, lonely corridors of the old JedI Enclave.
Until, one day he took off. Left Ziara and Aran to fend for themselves. She could not understand his actions and was not even sure whether she wanted to. Ziara did not think it possible for Atton to do something like this and wondered what was going through his mind and where he was at this very moment.
And then, out of the blue, he returned. He had lost a serious amount of weight, and his face was bearded. She tried to hug him but he pushed her away and walked inside, leaving her feeling empty and depressed.

She continued her life as best she could under the depressing roof of her house hold and gave Atton his space. It was then that two Republic Crime guards knocked on her door and told her that Atton had been suspected in the involvement of a major crime syndicate; slaughtering innocent beings for their possessions and taking others into slavery.
Horrified, she told the guards that her husband was not at home and she said to them that they would most likely find him at the Enclave. She did not like the idea of betraying her husband like this, but she could not have him running loose if he was in fact apart of this Syndicate.

That night she was surprised to see him walk through the door but she didn’t say anything. He slouched over and dump himself into the large squashy armchair by the fire.

‘I know what you did,’ he growled at her.

Ziara looked over at him with a confused look on her face and asked, ‘And what is it that I did?’

He looked at her, his face full of anger, ‘You led them Republics to the Enclave to where I was. Don’t play dumb with me!’

‘And you shouldn’t speak to me like that,’ she growled back, ‘I am your wife,’

‘Whatever,’ he grunted as he got up out of the chair and walked to the door. He turned back to her and said, ‘Their lives are on your hands because of it.’ And with that, he walked out, leaving her dumbstruck.
She quickly picked up Aran and took off into the dark night and sped to the Enclave. Aran laughing in her arms.

She ran through the corridors and finally stopped in the courtyard and gasped.

The two mutilated bodies of the Republic guards laid spread out across the grass, staining it was blood that shown bright in the light of the moon high above. Ziara ran back to her house and decided to drop Aran off at the neighbouring household on the plains beside hers. When she got there Ziara started to bang on the door frantically, yelling out their names. Lights poured out from the windows and the front foor slid to the side revealing a tall man dressed in a maroon night gown and an irritated look on his face. But as he seen the tears that slid down Ziara’s face, the look of irritation quickly become one of worry.

‘What has happened?’ he asked.

‘Toma,’ she gasped, ‘Please, could you take Aran for the night. Atton has done something terrible and I have to do something.’
Toma nodded and took Aran out of her arms, ‘I thought you disregarded your lightsaber I long time ago?’

‘I’m hoping I don’t have to use it,’ replied Ziara, ‘Thank you and I will be back as soon as I can.’

She turned and sped back to her house. Running into her room and heaving a small trunk out from under her bed. She retrieved a set of dark brown robes and a lightsaber hilt. Dressed and ready she ran back out of the door and sped along the already dew ridden grass to the Khoonda landing port.
Atton was nowhere to be seen, but there was a small shuttle there. A shuttle she knew. Ziara ran to the side of the ship but there was no one inside. She tried to look for Atton using the Force but to no avail; he had blocked her out completely.

‘Why the hell are you here!’ spat a voice behind her.

Ziara jumped and spun around to look into the face of her husband.

‘I know what you did,’ she mimicked him.

‘So,’ he said, ‘What are you going to do? Kill me?’

‘I do not want to Atton,’ said Ziara, ‘But I will if I have no choice.’

Atton put a look of surprise on his face, ‘But I’m your husband!’ he said,
‘How could you even think to kill me?’

‘If this was the other way around, you would be doing the same thing.’ she spat.

‘True,’ he said, nodding, ‘So. What to do, what to do. Are you going to let me pass and there will be no killing here, or will you try and arrest me? Take me into custody to trial me for the things what I’ve done. Frankly, I don’t care which of the two happens, because I know that I’m going to be walking away.’

‘What has happened to you?’ Ziara asked, ‘I love you Atton and I know you love me.’

‘I do and always will,’ he said.

‘Then why are you doing this?’ yelled Ziara

‘I’m sorry alright,’ yelled back Atton, ‘But it is not something you could never hope to understand!’

‘I will understand if you let me!’ she cried, ‘Do not do this Atton! Think of all the lives you will destroy. All the lives you have destroyed. It’s inhumane!’

‘You just do not know.’ he said, quietly.

‘Atton, please.’ she pleaded one last time, ‘Don’t do this.’

‘Get out of my way,’ he whispered dangerously, ‘Do it Ziara. I do not want to hurt you.’

‘It’s too late for that!’ she said, and she clenched a fist and landed an imprint of her knuckles on his face.

Dazed, Atton regained his feet and grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her hard. She flew through the air and hit the wall, falling to the ground. Stars floating in front of her eyes, the last thing Ziara Divek saw was her husband leaping in the small ship and taking off into the sky before darkness engulfed her.


Ziara has not heard from Atton since that night two years ago, but she is happy. Aran has finally said his first words (Mummy, Duntoeen … the poor boy cannot say the name of his home world yet, but he is just two and a half years old).
She has gotten over the events of the past few years and finally has found peace in herself and her surroundings. She has finally torn the veil from grace and surpassed into a world full of happiness.
But there will always be a small piece of her heart traversing, somewhere throughout the galaxy. She does not know where he is, what he is doing; but she does not care. She is happy and that’s all that matters.

The_Catto is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-01-2007, 02:57 AM   #2
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
Bee Hoon's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran  Veteran Fan Fic Author  LFN Staff Member  Helpful! 
The style is pretty awkward here... You definitely have done better than this. Why did Atton suddenly become "distressed, dismayed and arrogant?" You don't really explain what made him fall. Plus, you'd have to punch a person pretty darn hard to leave an imprint on his face=p Hard enough that he'd be dizzy for at least 30 seconds! I don't really get what you mean when you say that Ziara has finally torn the veil from grace.

Nevertheless, this story has a lot of potential... I think you just need to clean up, and it'd be really good

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-01-2007, 04:15 AM   #3
Emperor Devon
@Emperor Devon
36 Wings, 365 Eyes
Emperor Devon's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 5,479
Current Game: Ass Effect
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I agree. The idea of the fic you have is nice enough, but I felt it could've been polished and refined a bit more. What Atton did, for instance - after spending several months with a LSF Exile killing and enslaving people seemed a bit out of character for him. If it was for a reason (which you said there was) it would've made sense, but since you never find that out I found it a bit confusing. I'd also liked to have known why Atton abandoned her like that and grew withdrawn - the story would've been improved if you had all the ends tied up IMO.

Other than that there was a technical detail that caught my attention. You might want to have said that the Exile came to Dantooine after helping to defeat the true Sith rather than after leaving Malachor V - you don't have to come up with anything and it helps the fic feel more like a part of the KotOR universe rather than an AU fic.

Still, those are all easily correctable details and are unrelated to the writing itself. A bit more polishing and those fixes, and you'd have a pretty good fic. This one definitely has potential.

My rating : 6.5/10, though only because the plot could've been expanded.

Originally Posted by Sabretooth
We will be great failures one day, you and I
Emperor Devon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-02-2007, 07:30 AM   #4
The Rhythm Schism
The_Catto's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New South Wales, Australia.
Posts: 1,200
Current Game: KotOR
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for the comments.
The reason why it's so incomplete is that ... i kinda forgot that i only had a day left and i still hadn't wrote it all. So its really, extremely rushed and incompleted (kinda like KotOR II when you think about it, lol) I'll definetly complete it when i get enough time.

Once again, thanks for the comments. It's greatly appreciated.

The_Catto is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-02-2007, 06:28 PM   #5
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
JediMaster12's Avatar
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,939
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Contest winner - Fan Fiction  Forum Veteran 
I have to agree that it is incomplete in that I see no reason why Atton should suddenly fall like that. I have always thought that it was such a quite thing to fall meaning that there are signs that gradually show up until you are in so deep you can't tell the difference betwen night and day anymore. That was my take on the idea. Like you said, you acknowledged that it was rushed and the like. I do agree that some polish is needed along with the filling in the blanks like why Atton would be as he was. It was just that abruptness that made me think that it was not Atton's character at all. Good work though.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 04-14-2007, 03:20 PM   #6
Jae Onasi
@Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
Jae Onasi's Avatar
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,942
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
10 year veteran!  Alderaan News Holopics contributor  Helpful!  LucasCast staff 
There are some grammar/spelling issues that need fixed, but considering how much time you had to complete it I can understand that. In fic writing it's OK to use contractions. You use a couple, but it's OK to say haven't and isn't instead of have not and is not. It flows a little better in dialog that way.

I, like the others, don't understand why Atton changed and decided to betray her, especially after they had a child together. I would also expect her to keep working to try to win him back.

I'll look forward to seeing how this changes when you do complete the story--you have an interesting start of a story here.

From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Star Wars Gamer > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > [Fic] Tearing the Veil From Grace

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:27 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2015 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.