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Old 02-06-2007, 04:07 PM   #41
Diego Varen
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Also, since Valentine's Day is coming up, I've decided to make the second two Parter Fics as Poems of love. One from Sera/Revan and the other from Atton/Bastila. What do you think (I'll be doing both Sera and Revan, since they're in the Unknown Regions)? This could change though, with Sera sending love poems to both Revan and Atton.
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Old 02-06-2007, 04:23 PM   #42
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I saw just Atton, because i believe she has gotten over Revan and that all she is now to him is his friend and his loyal dvukh (sorry Tysy ).
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Old 02-06-2007, 04:30 PM   #43
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I doubt Tysy is even reading this Thread Jason. Anyway, this first Poem isn't about love, but it is about Sera and Atton's relationship, after finding out he was an assassin. I'm no good at poems, but see what you think and this is the first time I've ever posted a poem on LF.

Revelations

On Dantooine, as I looked in the river,
Thinking about what you said,
Your words made my soul shiver.
Were you really an assassin?
Were you already dead?
You made me doubt you.

Revelations are hard things to take in,
For it is a sin,
When you’ve been told a shocking.

We met on Peragus and you thought I was a miner,
And you expected a date with your newest diner,
But I was hard to get.
Over time, many joined us,
You caused a fuss,
But you never told me anything much.

Revelations are hard things to take in,
For it is a sin,
When you’ve been told a shocking.

Kreia always hated you and I can see why,
For only fools fly,
But you weren’t no fool,
You played it cool.
I knew that I couldn’t do that.

Revelations are hard things to take in,
For it is a sin,
When you’ve been told something shocking.

After this,
I’m not sure if I can trust or love you,
But without you, we wouldn’t get anywhere.
As I stop and stare,
I wonder if I can ever trust you again.
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Old 02-06-2007, 04:32 PM   #44
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[Big clapping]Yeah well done Topps![/Big clapping]

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Old 02-07-2007, 01:43 AM   #45
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Thanks Aida. I've just realised I posted Revelations in the wrong Thread. I was tired last night.
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Old 02-13-2007, 11:33 AM   #46
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Chapter II - Dead or Alive?

Sera was still unconscious and she had been in that condition for two days. Everyone in the Hawk was worried and they wondered if Sera was still alive. Atton took the decision into his hands that they should all stay strong for her, but as time passed, Atton was starting to doubt himself. Everyone agreed with Atton’s decision and continued as normal, but they were also starting to doubt themselves and each other. Atton wondered if the stress of being inside the Hawk was getting to them. He had promised the crew that when, or if, Sera woke up, they would take some time off to relax.

Atton entered the med bay. Mical and the Miraluka, Visas Marr sat around Sera, waiting to see if her condition changed. The Assassin Droid, HK-47 was also there with them.

“Statement: Meatbag, the master hasn’t awoken from her sleep yet,” HK told Atton.

Atton sat down in between Mical and Visas. HK’s words had made Atton even more stressed. He wished that he didn’t have to look after the crew, but Atton knew that he was one of the only people Sera could trust. Atton was sure that she trusted everyone in the crew, but she and Atton were in love and when she found out he was an assassin, Atton knew that he had to make it up to her. Not like this though. He wanted to take her and the others away to somewhere where they could relax.

“Get lost HK,” Atton told HK rudely, “Go and polish your rifle or something.”

HK grabbed his rifle, which he had left on the bed and walked off. As always, HK had to have the last word.

“Statement: I’m sorry meatbag, I was fearing for the master’s health.”

HK left the med bay and Atton, Mical and Visas sat around Sera. Mical stood up and also left the med bay. Atton wasn’t sure if he was coming back, so he didn’t bother going after him. Atton grabbed Sera’s hand. She wasn’t too hot or too cold. Her temperature was stable. That was a good sign.

“There are many scars that may never heal,” Visas began, quietly, “The Exile is deeply wounded and it may take a long time for her to return to us.”

Atton sighed. He knew Visas was right. What if she never woke up? What would Atton do? Not only did Atton fear for Sera’s life, but he also feared for his future. Two days had passed and Sera was still unconscious. How much longer would Sera be in her current condition? A week? A month? A year? Atton didn’t know if he could cope with it. Normally, Atton wouldn’t have cared what happened to people. It was their life and it was how they would end up. But not Sera. No, she had years ahead of her. If Sera died, Atton would feel like his new life was wasted. He had helped her off Peragus and told the truth of his life that had haunted him for years. She had gained his trust and when Atton told her the truth, their relationship grew stronger and they fell in love.

“Atton,” Mical whispered, disturbing Atton from his thoughts, “Are you alright?”

Atton noticed that Mical had re-entered the med bay. For once, Atton was grateful that Mical was here. He was probably the reason why Sera was still alive now. Atton had always been jealous of Mical, because he had known Sera a lot longer than he had and that Mical always seemed to follow Sera, wherever she went. Atton had always wondered if Sera had loved Mical. But Atton and Mical both knew that she was in love with Atton. Mical was just a close friend from before the Mandalorian Wars.

“Listen, kid, I need to talk to you,” Atton told Mical, before staring at Visas, “In private.”

Visas left the med bay. Atton guessed that she would probably meditate in the starboard dormitory.

While Atton waiting for Visas to be out of sight and earshot, he thought of his favourite game, Pazaak. Sera had learnt that he liked to play Pazaak in his head. Atton was remembering his last Pazaak game with the Twi’lek, Dahnis on Nar Shaddaa. He had won that game for Sera. That thought was one of the only thoughts that kept Atton going, during his last two days on the Hawk.

As soon as Atton was sure that Visas and the rest of the crew were out of sight and earshot, Atton shut the med bay door and returned to his seat.

“Look kid, you are a great help to me,” Atton told him, “I mean Sera. I mean, I’ve never got on with you, since I met you and I have no reason to now, but I… we need you.”

“Need me?” Mical asked.

Atton nodded.

“Yes,” Atton continued, “You are the only person capable of making sure Sera pulls through. I want you to look after her as much as you can and if you can do that, I’ll be forever grateful to you.”

Both Atton and Mical stood up. Atton nodded to Mical, before opening the med bay door and returning to the cockpit. All Atton could hope for now was that Mical would stick to his promise and that Sera would return. Atton didn’t want Sera to die and he knew that only Mical could prevent that from happening.

*****

Visas sat down to mediate where she normally meditated. Ever since redeeming herself from the dark side, Visas no longer felt the pain of her home world being destroyed by her previous master, Darth Nihilus. Now, she reflected on her future. As she meditated, her mind began to echo with dark thoughts. Her dark past had returned to Visas, reminding her of the pain and destruction of her home world and it’s people. Suddenly, Visas could hear Nihilus’ voice echo inside her mind.

“No,” Visas spoke to her mind, “No! I no longer serve the dark path! I never will!”

Nihilus’ voice continued to echo, Visas tried to forget her dark thoughts.

“No!” Visas shouted, “I won’t let you take the Exile. I won’t!”

*****

Atton sat in the cockpit, checking the ship’s position. They were in the middle of nowhere of space. There were so many stars, but no single planet. Then again, Atton hadn’t been letting the Hawk travel much, since Sera became unconscious. Atton heard footsteps behind him. It was Bao-Dur.

“Atton,” He began, “How is the General?”

Atton sighed. He knew how much Sera didn’t like being called General.

“Touched a nerve did I?” Bao-Dur asked, sitting down in the co pilot seat, “I suppose the General doesn’t want to remember the war. I agree nor do I, but General was her title, during the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi always insisted that…”

“Just shut up Bao-Dur!” Atton shouted, punching the controls angrily, “Just shut up! I can’t cope. I can’t cope anymore.”

He fell to his knees, upset. Bao-Dur remained silent as he walked over to Atton and helped him up. He comforted Atton, letting him be upset, which he hadn’t been able to be for a long time.

“It’s okay Atton,” Bao-Dur told him, “She’ll pull through, I knew she will. She is a strong person and the Mandalorian Wars made her a stronger person. Just like me and I’m sure you’re a stronger person since the war. Just relax for a while. You’re trying to hard. I’m sure the Gen… I mean, Sera, won’t want to see you like this. Please relax. If not for me, for her.”

Bao-Dur left the cockpit, leaving Atton alone in the cockpit. Atton hoped Bao-Dur was right. He wondered if after his breakdown, if he could cope anymore.

Last edited by Topsite; 02-15-2007 at 02:10 AM.
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Old 02-13-2007, 11:45 AM   #47
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that was an interesting small talk between Atton and Mical there. Nice work.

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Old 02-13-2007, 11:54 AM   #48
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Thanks Aida. I don't know how many Chapters I'm planning for this Fic, but at least five Chapters.
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Old 02-13-2007, 12:45 PM   #49
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make it twenty, i like twenty, i like long fics but hey it's your fic make it 101 if you have too!

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Old 02-13-2007, 01:58 PM   #50
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I hope you don't write like me and have 50 like HoD

Anyway critique time!

First off: What happened Topsite? You did beautifully the first time around and now we have this! I am not complaining about the shortness but more or less abut the content. It seemed as if this chapter had been rushed through and not given the same consideration as the Bastila-Carth-Exile bit. I keep referring to it because I believe that was the best I had ever seen you do from what I have read of your work. Must I send the flying manuscript after you again?

Quote:
Everyone was becoming worried at her condition, they wondered if she was still alive.
These should be separated as they are two separate thoughts or place a semi colon where the comma is. Proper grammar. Also within the first paragraph, I would have put more as to how every person is dealing with Sera's condition. Maybe convey the feeling that people are moving partially alive or something like that. Puts more emphasis as to that feeling of a loss of what to do next. After all the Exile was their fearless leader and when the leadership is compromised, sometimes you get chaos of a sort.

Since it was Atton that suggested that the crew should stay strong, perhaps you could embelish on his personal thoughts and what he was doing. Maybe excessive pacing over figuring out what to do. Maybe he is shuffling his pazaak deck. Most peopel when they are agitated or worried tend to do things like pace or play with something in their hands. Me, I like to twirl my pencil or chew on it for a bit. That also helps me think.

I would shorten medical bay into med bay. It is easier on the mouth and fits better with the setting. Also it reflects language styles of the author. I read Betty Neels and for the medical departments she calls them wards, etc. I'm not saying to be proper and all but from your comments and your style, you write in a more relaxed form of English with a tendency for slang like meds for medicine and the like. Also the types of words used give indication into personality. You have probably seen this in HoD with my senator and how she addresses Congress. Since Atton is the main focus, I suggest vocabulary and sentence structure befitting a scoundrel turned Jedi, I am assuming of course.

Quote:
Mical and the Miraluka, Visas Marr were with her and the two of them remained silent, as Atton took a seat. Mical nodded to Atton, indicating that he would be back in a minute, leaving Atton with Visas.
When you introduce Mical and Visas, what were they doing besides being there? I know some people are there to be there at times but maybe they could be doing something. Say maybe Mical is checking vitals or something and Visas has that posture she has when meditating. Proven fact that people just don't stand there doing nothing. I think that maybe they should have been introduced being productive in terms of making sure Sera was comfortable to make way for recovery.

The paragraph where Atton figures Visas to be right was good but I think it could be better in that maybe he reflects more on Sera and her effects on everyone and now with the situation how it is, question what is going to happen. When Mical retrns, I would have made a better transition, maybe saying: When Mical finally returned from whatever he was doing, Atton spoke for the first time since he entered the med bay, "..." and go on from there. Transitional sentences that belie impatience or the feeling of the person abotu to speak bring out more of the feeling you are trying to convey.

Quote:
Mical stood up and shook Atton’s hand.
With this I would have had Mical look at Atton for a moment. Since it is a hard thing for Atton to admit that he trusts Mical and given that he has never shown any liking for him, Mical would be in the right mind to question Atton's intentions. True that he does come of as naive at times but even the most naive person would question if normal behavior isn't shown. In this case, Atton is admitting trust, something that doesn't seem to come easy for him.

Instead of just 'Thank you' from Atton and having him return to the cockpit. Before the thanks, you could say that Atton felt a great weight lift off his shoulders or something like that. After all, he just admitted to trusting Mical. There had to be some room for doubt that Mical would turn nasty and refuse or mock Atton. Also it is the relief that Sera would be in safe hands.

Before the last paragraph, you could have a paragraph saying something along the lines that Mical watched him leave but Atton being unaware that Mical already regarded him as a trustworthy companion since we are dealing with that issue of trust.

Quote:
As Atton left the medical bay, he hoped Mical would truly keep his promise. Atton didn't want Sera to die and he was sure that Mical didn't want to either. That was one of the other reasons why Atton trusted Mical and none of the others.
That first sentence, well I don't think Atton would have hoped. After all that discussion before he left the med bay, I would think he would know that Mical would keep to his promise. This is strictly from assumptions made while observing the cutscenes of the game. The last sentence I think could have been done better. I would have said: Other than that, there were other reasons why he trusted Mical and not the others. It still gives that mysterious feeling that something is not all right with the galaxy and gives the idea that there is a reason that Atton feels that it is the galaxy versus him and Mical.

Well it looks like I really butchered you on this one Topsite. Sorry for being the nag but after that first segment of this fic, I keep hoping that you follow what you started. You have a good idea and I'd like to see where it goes. You do seem to get minimal problems in the complexity of human emotions but that can be remedied by the RP strategy. Like what I suggested for your poems, put youorself in the shoes of your character. Think of a simple question, a good probing one that you want to spark the emotion you are trying to convey and then respond to it in the way you think the character would respond. Believe me it makes the characters become much more real and it wouldn't suprise me if other fiction author do that to some degree when they are in a sticky spot with their dialogue. On a whole Topsite, I think this chapter could have been done much better. At least it is no where near as bad as the shortie involving the bounty hunter. Keep your chin up.

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Old 02-13-2007, 02:03 PM   #51
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I must be doing bad these days. I do admit that I rushed it a lot more, but I'm trying not to. Thanks for all the advice JM12 and I think I'm going to rewrite that previous Chapter, once I finish the Shorties. Once I've got them out of the way, I'll be okay. Thanks JM12 and your long posts make me feel guilty that I only post short ones in the Heart of Deception.
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:14 PM   #52
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I hope you feel guilty. It tells you that I find time to read your stories.
Besides I like a good story and what kind of writer would I be if I didn't help out my fellow authors?
For what it's worth, I hope you take the time for your chapters. It's okay if it takes a week or two to get one. You know that when I kept you guys waiting on Heart of the Guardian and now with Heart of Deception. It's because I have other obligations that take precedence over this and I need the time to think. A good writer takes a break and then goes back later to reread what he wrote. I admitted that with one chapter I was working on I had to rewrite the whole thing because I didn't like where I was going with it. Take your time. Posting isn't a contest and the bonus: If you post good fics that are like your Bastila-Carth-Exile segment, you get noticed quite a bit on the boards as a good writer. Prestige as it were but don't let it get to your head. I write for fun.

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Old 02-13-2007, 02:24 PM   #53
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I suppose the Bastila-Carth-Exile segment was the best thing I've ever wrote. Well I shall try to continue writing like that. Thanks for the assistance JM12.
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Old 02-13-2007, 03:41 PM   #54
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maybe that last chapter was not so great but hey the rest was brilliant keep it like that and you'll have a star fic in your hands!

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Old 02-14-2007, 04:55 AM   #55
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I've edited Chapter 2, making it longer and hopefully better, taking JM12's notes into mind.
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Old 02-15-2007, 12:51 AM   #56
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Much better Topsite! You did a good job in portraying the stress of the situation and Atton's sense of hopelessness. The transition between the first and second paragraph needs some work. You jump from Atton's thoughts and the brief summary to him entering the med bay. A good transition would be a sentence that refers to the previous paragraph like that he hoped that Mical would have something different to report when he entered the med bay. It would keep to the flow of Atton having a heavy burden on his shoulders and maybe have anxiety.

Whe Atton tells Bao-dur to shut it, you have him sit on the floor. For some reason I think that it is more dramatic if they fall to their knees. I think it is used to differentiate between male and female. Men fall to their knees and women, well...don't go there. Stil that was a nice touch in that Atton feels the need to torment himself by sitting on the floor and try to hide from everything.

Quote:
...her home world being destroyed by his previous master...
Gender issues here. I assume you meant Visas. Probably you overlooked it. You might want to fix that when you can.

When you say that the crew was starting to doubt themselves and each other, what do you mean? Better yet, how do they doubt themselves? Self doubt could occur with different things. Maybe for Visas it is staying on the path of the light and accepting what happened to Katarr. What of Atton's doubt? Does he doubt that he could keep the crew together and stay strong for Sera? Just some food for thought.

The second time around was much better Topsite. I am glad that you took the time to think about your characters.

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Old 02-15-2007, 01:26 AM   #57
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Thanks for the comments JM12 and after the previous attempt on the Chapter, I thought I'd take half an hour editing it.
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Old 02-15-2007, 02:52 AM   #58
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Hopefully, this Chapter is my best Chapter so far. I'd like to thank Darth Saruman for letting me call the main Sith Lord in this Fic, after his old username, Darth Grivis. Also, there is a parody of one of Darth Vader's lines from ANH. If you can guess it, you can earn my respect. I'm just joking, but see if you can find it. Enjoy.

Chapter III - Return and New Threats

Canderous Ordo, Mandalore of the Mandalorian clan, Ordo, sat in his Republic Starfighter on the way to the moon of Onderon, Dxun. He had left Telos, three days ago, after fighting another battle. The Sith had lost the battle, the Republic had won the battle and Telos could live to see another day.

He wondered where Sera went to, after leaving Telos three days earlier. Had she gone to Malachor, like she had told him earlier? Canderous didn’t know and he didn’t want to know. She was no longer working with him and Canderous doubted that he would ever work with her again. Canderous had decided to do what Revan had once told him to do. Keep clan Ordo strong, bring the Mandalorians back to existence and assist the Republic in its darkest times. The only thing was, Canderous hadn’t really lived up to his promise and he had been entrusted by Revan five years ago.

The controls started beeping with an incoming message. Who could it be? Canderous doubted it was Sera and it wasn’t going to be one of the Mandalorians, so it had to be someone who owned the ships. Someone like Canderous’ old partner, the Republic Admiral, Carth Onasi. Canderous decided to answer it and he could tell who the voice was straight away. It was Kelborn Ordo, Canderous’ second in command. Kelborn was a substitute for Canderous and he was Mandalore, until Canderous returned to his clan.

“What is it Kelborn?” Canderous asked, his ship near Dxun.

“It… it is… being attacked,” The transmission was becoming more and more static, “Sith capital ship… sending reinforcements down… to the planet… Maytarr…”

The transmission disconnected. Canderous couldn’t remember Maytarr. He had heard of it before, but he had never been there. Was it a grass world like Dxun? Was it a snow world like the Polar Regions on Telos? Was it a desert like Tatooine? Or was it a wasteland like Malachor? Canderous wished he had asked for the planet’s coordinates, but the transmission was badly connected and Canderous wouldn’t be able to reply to such a bad transmission. Canderous had only one guess to find Maytarr. Find a Sith ship.

*****

After coming out of hyperspace, Canderous had found a Sith ship. He hoped it was the one over Maytarr and there was a chance that it could be that ship. There was a grass world planet below and the ship was orbiting the planet. Canderous was wondering what he should do first. Help his clan out, or take the ship out. One thing Canderous knew was that this ship wouldn’t be able to get on the planet and it wouldn’t be able to take out the ship out. The ship reminded Canderous of the Leviathan, when it orbited the planet Taris, before destroying it to a pile of rubble. Would that happen with Maytarr? So what would Canderous do? Planet? Ship? It was then that Canderous remembered Kelborn’s transmission. The ship was sending reinforcements down to the planet and that was what was causing his clan to struggle. Canderous decided to take the ship out first, but it wasn’t going to be easy.

After waiting five minutes, Canderous sped towards the ship, hoping it wouldn’t be spotted by the ship. If the ship spotted Canderous, he knew that it would be his shortest invasion ever. Even shorter than the easiest battles in the Mandalorian Wars. Things were going well for Canderous so far and he managed to sneak into the hangar. Someone wasn’t protecting it very well. As Canderous landed his ship inside, he noticed Sith soldiers everywhere. They were surrounding a shuttle. Someone important must be on there, Canderous thought as he slipped out of his ship and snuck behind some boxes.

*****

A man walked out from the shuttle. He wore battered battle armour, which was a dark brown colour. He walked towards his large legion of Sith soldiers, who waited patiently for their master. One of the Sith soldiers, who was dressed in a red version of the common silver armour, that most Sith soldiers wore, walked towards the man.

“Lord Grivis,” The Sith soldier began, “I’m afraid your apprentice has been found dead on Maytarr. The Mandalorians killed him.”

The man who was Darth Grivis, dark lord of the Sith, remained silent. His apprentice’s death didn’t mean much to him. Death was the way of the Sith, as was destruction and treason.

“I appreciate you for telling me this, commander,” Grivis told him, “But my apprentice’s death doesn’t mean much to me. I want to know if the Mandalorians on Maytarr have been defeated yet.”

*****

Clan Ordo was in danger. What was Canderous going to do now? It was impossible for someone who wasn’t Force Sensitive to defeat a Sith Lord. But Canderous knew he had to do something, however Canderous knew that he couldn’t leave now. The Sith would catch him trying to escape. He had to save his clan from being defeated. Clan Ordo had been defeated in the Mandalorian Wars by the Jedi, ten years ago and Canderous didn’t want his clan to be defeated by the Sith. Canderous knew he had to contact Kelborn and tell him what he had found.

“I sense something,” Canderous heard Grivis tell his legion, “A presence I’ve never felt at all, for a long time.”

Canderous decided not to try and contact Kelborn now, when his position could be found.

“I shall find our intruder and strike him down,” Grivis continued, “Once I interrogate the intruder.”

Canderous heard a Lightsaber ignite and the humming of the Lightsaber was growing louder and louder and Canderous sat there, hoping not to be found. Then Canderous realised he could play dead. He was going to do it for Revan, when the Leviathan captured them, but Revan had told Juhani to go through with his plans.

The box Canderous had been hiding behind was destroyed. Grivis stood, two red Lightsabers in hand, ready to strike.

“What do we have here?” Grivis asked mockingly, “Our first stowaway aboard the Vengeance.”

Several Sith soldiers surrounded Canderous and Grivis. Grivis nodded to the soldiers who immediately grabbed Canderous, who tried to fight the soldiers off him, but to no avail.

“Take him to an empty detention cell,” Grivis told the soldiers, “I wish to interrogate him later.”

Grivis walked off to return talking to his army, as Canderous was taken to the detention cell, which reminded Canderous of the ones on the Leviathan. Something told Canderous he was going to be stuck on the Vengeance for a long time.

Last edited by Topsite; 02-15-2007 at 03:19 AM.
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Old 02-15-2007, 12:20 PM   #59
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A change in the gears I see.

*clears throat*

What I can say Topsite is that you have done a good job and it is obvious that you thought this chapter through. I like the fact that you brought Canderous back into it seeing as we don't really see what happened to Mandalore after the Ravager and Telos. There is nothing too serious for me to complain about unlike the first version of chapter 2.

For Darth Grivis, I would have described his appearance more and maybe something that gives him a unique characteristic. For Some reason I think him to be maybe a bit battered looking from the way you describe his armour but with a personality that belies a "my way or the highway" attitude and not in the best of situtations. You might want to consider that. Also you might want to further describe Grivis by how Canderous sees him. Often the best impressions are given by people who are prisoners or opposite of the person you are trying to describe.

Quote:
“I sense something,” Canderous heard Grivis tell his legion, “A presence I’ve never felt at all, for a long time.”
'I sense something a presence I haven't felt since...'- Darth Vader.
Also when you have Grivis exiting the shuttle, it was remniscent of ROTJ when Vader gets off the shuttle at the Death Star. Nice integration of quotes and scenery. You switched up things a bit and changed the dialogue so that it is not that obvious but still there.

Overall, I see that you have heeded my advice about taking your time. You see what happens when you listen to people who have been writing papers since they were 10?
Keep it up.

P.S: I still maintain that your Bastila-Carth-Exile prologue is the best

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Old 02-15-2007, 03:01 PM   #60
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Thanks for the comments JM12. I think comments do help the writer and your comment has helped me now. Yes, JM12, you got the quote right and the shuttle part was based on ROTJ. I'll try and add those things you said too. Thanks once again.
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Old 02-15-2007, 03:17 PM   #61
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Two great chapters, while i do agree, try to get more description on what Grivis felt when he sensed Candy and the such. Good luck.
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Old 02-15-2007, 04:58 PM   #62
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I'm glad that you are taking time with your fic. Really it does make the difference in the long run especially when there are probably others who read your fics besides me. I'm just the one who makes the statements.

Going back over chapter 3, I think maybe a good transitional sentence from the previous chapter would help connect your chapters even more and provide a little more flow. Something like 'Things may not have been looking good for the crew of the Ebon Hawk but for a lone ship making its way towards Dxun, it was...' and go on from there. In your case it may or may not work. That's the neat thing with editing. You get to try different scenarios and play around with your phrasing. That's just something to consider.

As to the quote regarding me writing papers since I was 10 is totally accurate. Since I was 5, I had been slated as a GATE or AP kid. In fact paper writing for college is very much like high school for me. True I get my bad days but the idea is to keep going. Everybody's style is different.

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Old 02-21-2007, 03:02 PM   #63
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Chapter IV - The Interrogation

Ten years ago, Canderous, Mandalorian commander under Mandalore the Ultimate, were on Malachor V. Along with them were other high ranked commandos, Cassus Fett and Jagi. They could all see the Mandalorian clans fighting the Jedi and the Republic.

Canderous wondered if Revan was there, fighting their clans. The Mandalorians had fought Revan several times, when he helped the Republic against the Mandalorians. Canderous was ashamed to admit it, but he was glad that he was fighting Revan.

He was a great fighter and was the one person Canderous was honoured enough to fight, even though the two of them had never fought before. Canderous knew that if Revan was a Mandalorian, he knew that Mandalore would be proud to have him in his clan. A Lightsaber behind them ignited and Canderous turned around to see someone familiar.


*****

Grivis stood in the hangar, observing his large legion of Sith soldiers. Every single one stood, emotionless and patient, waiting for their next orders. As Grivis paced around the hangar, inspecting each and every soldier, he couldn’t help thinking about his new prisoner, Canderous.

Grivis remembered fighting him in battle, when he was a Jedi. As a Jedi, he slaughtered countless Mandalorians, each of them dying in the glorious battle of Malachor V. For some reason, Grivis had spared Canderous, after beating him. Canderous even begged for mercy and Grivis had spared him and he wished he hadn’t. His feelings had made Grivis weak and that was the main reason why he had spared the Mandalorian. Grivis would never spare an opponent again and this time, he would definitely kill Canderous, after the interrogation.

*****

Inside the monotonous detention cell, Canderous paced around, bored that he wasn’t out, fighting with the clan that he had kept strong. He knew that without him, clan Ordo would be defeated by the Sith on Maytarr. What Canderous knew was that he had to escape the Vengeance and help his clan. Escaping would be hard though, Canderous knew that. The only way to escape a ship like this was with luck. There is no such thing as luck, is there? Canderous thought. Canderous could hear a door open and he could see Grivis walking towards his cell. As Grivis walked towards the cell, the other prisoners grovelled and pleaded to be let out. Grivis ignored them and immediately spoke to Canderous.

“Mandalorian,” He began, “You’re lucky that you’re still alive. Usually I would kill an intruder as soon as I caught them. But you’re different. We were both enemies, during the Mandalorian Wars and we are still enemies now.”

Canderous remained silent, wondering what Grivis would say next.

“The strong silent type I see,” Grivis continued, “As soon as I’m finished with you, you will suffer a slow, painful death, but if I feel that the information you give me could be useful, I can make your death quick and painless.”

“What makes you think I will die this day?” Canderous asked, “The Mandalorians will live on, unlike you pathetic Sith.”

“Oh I am no Sith Mandalorian,” Grivis told Canderous, “I am merely a forgotten apprentice of the old woman.”

Old woman. The words made Canderous think. Was Grivis referring to the same old woman that Canderous had met, during the time he left Dxun? Grivis smiled.

“You know who I’m talking about don’t you?” Grivis asked, despite the fact he knew that Canderous knew, “Kreia, Darth Traya, whatever her name is. She was using you, using your clan and Revan. The one person who made you who you are today. Mandalorian, Canderous Ordo, join me and together we can wipe the existence of the Jedi and the Sith and bring the Mandalorians to a new age of success and domination.”

Grivis was starting to cooperate, but Canderous wasn’t sure if he would join him. He wasn’t sure if he could trust him. Grivis wouldn’t care for the Mandalorians and he never would, but if he could bring the Mandalorians back into the galaxy, perhaps there was a chance after all. Should he trust him and become as evil as the threat that Revan and the Exile had swore to defeat? Or should he remain loyal to Revan, the Exile and the Republic? Canderous had made his decision.

“I’m sorry Sith,” Canderous began, “I’m afraid that your proposal doesn’t interest me.”

Grivis sighed, starting to walk away from Canderous, before shooting bolts of lightning at Canderous. Canderous shouted in pain, but the implant in his body, kept him alive.

“You are strong Mandalorian,” Grivis told Canderous, “But I will break you.”

“Who taught you that?” Canderous asked in a mocking tone, “Malak. He was just as bad as you, but at least he had style.”

Once again, Grivis shot bolts of lightning at Canderous. Grivis finally stopped.

“I sense her,” Grivis muttered, “You’re old companion. You’re lucky to be alive Mandalorian, but when I capture your old companion, I will break you.”

Grivis walked off, annoyed at the fact Canderous wasn’t dead yet, but at least he would get more than he bargained for.

Last edited by Topsite; 02-22-2007 at 01:20 AM.
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Old 02-21-2007, 05:17 PM   #64
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Critique Time!!!!

Flying manuscript standing by...

*clears throat*

First off you broke a cardinal rule: A paragraph is three or more sentences. Actually that goes for anything without dialogue. That's where the exeption is.

Quote:
As Grivis paced around the hangar, inspecting each and every soldier, he couldn’t help thinking about his new prisoner. Canderous.
Fragmented sentence here. What probably would work better is is if you replaced the period before Canderous with a colon. It makes it sound a bit more dramatic and it is grammatically better.

Quote:
As Grivis paced around the hangar, inspecting each and every soldier, he couldn’t help thinking about his new prisoner. Canderous. Grivis remembered fighting him in battle, when he was a Jedi.
These sentences could be joined with the first paragraph of the section and make it sound more complete. The last sentence is your transition to the next paragraph explaining what Grivis did as a Jedi against the Mandalorians.

Quote:
There is no such thing as luck. Is there?
This I think would be better off as italicized thoughts. It would give a better insight as to how Canderous is feeling at the moment.

Quote:
Grivis was starting to cooperate, but Canderous wasn’t sure if he would join him?
This would be better off not being a question. It is a statement.

As you can see I have been grammar picking this chapter to death but content wise, it is good. I am glad that you are taking your time in writing your chapters. The remark where Grivis says your previous companion I am taking it to mean Sera Tana the Exile seeing that Kreia bit the dust so to speak. You did a better job describing Grivis and his attitude towards Mandalorians in general. His particular hatred I would like to see drawn out a bit more. Think like how my Jaqrand views Atton in HoD where he calls him a traitor and coupled with a hate for Jedi in general and the last piece clicks into place.

With Canderous I think you need to be more blunt and not so proper. That is Bastila's department. He wouldn't say I'm sorry but rather Sorry, no can do. Also he sees things more from the warrior side of things, the harsh reality of it. Warriors conquer and soldiers defend, like Carth's comparison. THat might help you better explore his character.

I like where the story is going and gives a good foundation for possible kiddnappings or battles and firefights. Keep it up and remember to take your time.

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Old 02-21-2007, 06:26 PM   #65
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Yes, i liked it and i agree with JM12, although, i have seen one thing you JM didn't see, haha, take that!

Now seriously, Jagi couldn't be on the Battle on Malachor since he was lost on the Battle of Althir, which was previous to Malachor.
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Old 02-22-2007, 01:24 AM   #66
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Thanks for the comments both. I need to check Wookieepedia more about Jagi, so I'll correct that soon. JM12, I've corrected a couple of places you told me. To be honest, what you saw here was the second version. The flashback was copied from the first version to make this version longer. I struggled writing this Chapter and I think it does show, but I'm glad that I've improved with writing Grivis' character. I haven't played KOTOR or TSL for a while, so when I have time, I'll try and edit what Canderous says, but he could have become softer after the events of TSL. Thanks for the comments all and I think I can write the next Chapter better, since it will return to Sera.
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Old 02-22-2007, 02:58 AM   #67
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Here is the next Chapter, which I managed to write in an hour. Also, I wasn't sure about the Force Ghosts, so I assumed that with the help of Wookieepedia, the Shaman of the Whills were responsible for immortality. Feel free to comment, etc.

Chapter V - Reunited

Sera had now been unconscious for three days now. Atton was scared for Sera’s life, but after his talk with Bao-Dur, he kept strong for her and the rest of the crew.

Atton entered the medical bay and Mical was the only person to keep an eye on Sera. Usually, Atton would tell Mical to get lost, but Atton still believed that Mical was the only one who could help Sera.

“How is she?” Atton asked, even though he knew she was still unconscious.

Mical was busy, testing some chemicals that Sera had collected from the different planets that she had travelled to with them. Mical turned round and took a quick look at Sera.

“She’s still unconscious,” Mical told Atton, “But her condition has improved, she won’t die.”

She won’t die. Those three words rang through Atton’s head and if Sera wouldn’t die, Mical had done well. He had done what Atton had asked of him and he had done it.

“Thank you Mical,” Atton told Mical, shaking his hand, “But this doesn’t make us close friends or nothing.”

Before Mical could say anything, Atton ran off, leaving the med bay. Mical knew that Atton would either return to the cockpit or tell the rest of the crew of Sera’s condition.

*****

Sera felt herself drifting away. Where she was going, she didn’t know, but all she could see was a blizzard of heavy snow, similar to the polar regions on Telos, where the secret Telosian Jedi Academy was located. In fact, it was directly on top of the Academy. But what was Sera doing here? She had to be here for a reason.

“I am your rescuer, as you are mine,” A familiar voice echoed from behind.

Sera turned around and saw a familiar person, Kreia. Kreia was dead, how could she be here now? Sera had killed Kreia on Malachor V, prior to its destruction.

“Kreia, what are you…” Sera began.

“Doing here?” Kreia asked, interrupting Sera’s question, “Your insights serve you well. I have learned the path to immortality, a path that won’t be rediscovered, for another four thousand years or so.”

Sera looked at Kreia. She certainly wasn’t alive, but she wasn’t dead either. She was a living person, but not in the form that Sera was living in. Kreia was a Force Ghost.

“The Force has kept you alive,” Sera told Kreia.

“No,” Kreia told her, “The ancient Shaman of the Whills taught me this secret, which in time I shall teach to you, which in turn, you will teach your companions.”

Sera had never heard of the Shaman of the Whills. She had never learnt about them, during her time in the Jedi Temple. Were they Midi-chlorians or were they the Force itself? Sera decided that the conversation of the Shaman of the Wills was getting nowhere and Sera decided to change the subject.

“Why am I here Kreia?”

“The Force has guided you here,” Kreia told Sera, “When you defeated me and left Malachor, you promised to find Revan and defeat the True Sith. Your unconsciousness has proven your incapability.”

“No!” Sera shouted, “I’m ready to find the true enemy. The Republic and the future of the Jedi are in danger and I’m the only one who can defeat them.”

Kreia sighed. Sera wondered if she was getting a new lecture from Kreia. She had always been a person of criticism. She had always disliked whatever Sera had done, whether it was saving someone or lending someone with credits.

“You are so arrogant, Exile,” Kreia continued, “But you will need that arrogance to find the enemy. You must go now and awake from your sleep. The first of your many enemies will find you soon and you must be prepared.”

Sera felt herself leaving the polar regions and soon, Sera felt herself return to normal.


*****

Sera opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry and all she could see was the inside of what looked like the Ebon Hawk. She felt tired and dazed, but she decided not to say anything, until she could see where she was. Sera wasn’t sure if the enemy, Kreia was referring to had found her. Soon, Sera’s vision was becoming clearer and Sera was beginning to feel more accustomed to where she was. She was in the med bay of the Ebon Hawk and she knew it. A man was in front of her and Sera thought it was Mical, but she wasn’t entirely sure.

“Mical,” Sera asked, feeling tired, “Is that you?”

Last edited by Topsite; 02-22-2007 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 02-22-2007, 05:41 AM   #68
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Well, let's see, it was a good chapter overall, i liked Sera's conversation with Kreia, you really catched Kreia's personality well, although, i believe that you should put more description on what Sera felt after she woke up. Was she tired, energetic, etc?

But keep it going.
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Old 02-22-2007, 01:39 PM   #69
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Thanks Jason. You are becoming a good critic now and I should become like you. Anyway, thanks for the comments and I'm looking foward to what JM12 has to say. I'm shaking, wondering what comments I'll recieve.
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Old 02-22-2007, 02:53 PM   #70
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Critique time!

*clears throat*

I like how you go back to the Hawk to explain more about Sera and her waking up. What I find really nice was that in the last chapter aon board the Hawk, you ended with Atton. Now with this one you are beginning with him. It is a nice continuation from where you left off. As what Jason Skywalker said, I think you should edit in more detail.

Quote:
She won’t die. Those three words rang through Atton’s head and if Sera wouldn’t die, Mical had done well. He had done what Atton had asked of him and he had done it.
First off, I would put the words 'She won't die' in italics. They are remeniscent of a statement but now are the thoughts of Atton. They are ringing through his head. Overall the paragraph is good but I would have embelished more as to how Atton felt after those words were heard. There should be somethign like a great weight beign lifted of his shoulders or that his heart felt lighter than ever. Something like that. It just sounds a little dry and too not Atton. I know the point was to show his approval for Mical's good work but I think something is entirely missing.

The second part with the vision was something neat. I like how you bring us back to the Telos polar ice cap and establishing familiarity. Often dreams and visions do have something that is familiar to the seer, the one experiencing the vision. Maybe to emphasize that it is the Telos polar region, you could add descriptors as to how Sera was feeling. I am pretty sure that it is cold in the polar regions though I could never understand how the devs missed that. I like how you bring in Kreia and her mutterings about arrogance and the like. I would improve on Kreia a bit by using her snide remarks or her Bah every now and then. More basis on the character.

On the last paragraph, it looks like you were rushing again. I'll have to send the flying manuscript after you.
Anyway, I would elaborate more on how Sera felt when she woke up and what she saw. I was thinking more along the bright lights and then the vision clearing, everything seems out of place in sound. That kind of thing. The last sentence was nice in that she finally is able to recognize to a degree her surroundings.

Overall, it was a good chapter though I am surprised that you admitted that you wrote it in an hour. Like Jason, I agree that you could have elaborated more on the general feeling of the moment.

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Old 02-22-2007, 03:03 PM   #71
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Thanks JM12 and it sounds like I did better with this Chapter. As soon as I have time, I will edit this Chapter and do what you said. Thanks once again and I haven't started the next Chapter yet, but I will sometime.
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Old 02-22-2007, 06:48 PM   #72
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No problem, take your time Tops.
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Old 03-24-2007, 03:51 AM   #73
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Okay, I have some news for you all.

Bad News

I haven't been able to update in a while, because of school and I've had Writer's Block, which hasn't helped my writing, mainly in the last Shortie in the Sera Tana Short Fan Fiction.

Good News

Soon, I will be off school for two weeks for Easter and I should have more time to write. First I shall try to finish The Lord of Pain, then complete this Saga, before writing two secret projects, related to this Fic.
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Old 03-24-2007, 03:17 PM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Topsite
Okay, I have some news for you all.

Bad News

I haven't been able to update in a while, because of school and I've had Writer's Block, which hasn't helped my writing, mainly in the last Shortie in the Sera Tana Short Fan Fiction.

Good News

Soon, I will be off school for two weeks for Easter and I should have more time to write. First I shall try to finish The Lord of Pain, then complete this Saga, before writing two secret projects, related to this Fic.
I see. Looking forward to the conclusion of Lord Sion fic.

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Old 03-31-2007, 04:35 PM   #75
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I finally have a Chapter for The Sera Tana Saga. It is short, I know, but I have had Writer's Block for a while and it does bring the first part of the series into the second part. Enjoy.

Chapter VI - Another Threat?

“Yes,” Mical told Sera, “How do you feel?”

Sera’s sight was becoming more and more focused and less and less blurry. It was indeed Mical.

“I feel a bit drowsy,” Sera told Mical, rubbing her head, “How long have I been out?”

The Ebon Hawk suddenly shook, forcing Sera off the med bay bed. Mical helped her up, taking her towards the main hold, where the majority of the crew, excluding Atton stood. Everyone except Sera began talking amongst themselves, their discussions erupting into a lot of noise. In the end, Sera couldn’t hear anything. Atton ran into the main hold, trying to get everyone’s attention, but none of the crew could hear him, except for Sera.

“Quiet!” Sera shouted, immediately getting everyone’s attention, “Kreia was right. She was right about everything. The enemy has found us. The enemy has found me.”

*****

Grivis stood, observing the Ebon Hawk drifted in towards the Vengeance. As he stood there, Grivis could remember the day that the Ebon Hawk was also “stopped” by the Leviathan. However this time, Grivis knew that the Jedi Exile posed a threat to him and his Sith fleet. Despite Revan being the former master of Darth Malak, Revan wouldn’t have been able to kill Malak on that ship. Capturing the Jedi Exile was creating a risk for Grivis, a powerful Sith Lord and one of the only powerful Sith Lords. A voice echoed within Grivis’ head.

“Master?” Grivis asked, “The Jedi Exile? Yes, she is aboard the Ebon Hawk right now.”

The voice continued to echo.

“Yes my lord,” Grivis told him, “Even though the punisher of planets was killed, your teachings will still live on and…”

The voice interrupted Grivis, his voice becoming much louder.

“I know my lord,” Grivis interrupted, “I know that you’re not exactly dead, but…”

The voice echoed louder and louder in Grivis’ head, making him feel the pain that the many citizens on Katarr had felt, when they perished.

“I’m sorry,” Grivis continued, “I promise to get revenge for you. After all, there is only one Jedi left in the galaxy.”

It was time to meet the Jedi Exile.
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Old 03-31-2007, 06:43 PM   #76
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Nice chapter, even with a quick skimming. And I wonder what Sera would react when she see Darth Grivis.




| Muunilinst 10 | Real Life | Exiled Jedi Weapon Master | Ex-Sith Marauder | Gunslinger |
Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66
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Old 03-31-2007, 08:30 PM   #77
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This is a great story coming along, here!

I loved it all, except I don't like the idea of Nihilus and Kreia being force ghosts, because I hate those two characters the most, but you write extremely well.

I can't wait for the next update!
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Old 04-01-2007, 02:34 PM   #78
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Thanks CSI and Lord Spitfire.

Lord Spitfire, I agree with you about Nihilus, since I don't like the character, but let's not discuss that in front of CSI. After all, he was once CSI: Nihilus. Anyway, thanks for the comments and my next chapter will hopefully be longer.
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:27 PM   #79
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Good chap Topsite, waiting peacefully for the next chap(sorta).

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Old 04-14-2007, 09:25 AM   #80
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I'm having doubts on continuing this Saga. I'm also having thoughts of rewriting post TSL Fanfics with my Jedi Exile on it's own first. So if I don't write any more for this, you'll know why.
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