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Old 03-23-2007, 09:53 PM   #1
turtlefreak
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HEEEEEELP MEEEE!!!

People of RD!!!









I need you all's advice
We are writing poetry books in english
and I wrtoe this one poem in about 10 min
(Mayhem and Tabby already read it)
And Its gonna be the last one in my poem book and I want it to be a good one
if not the best
here it is:

Last Regrets

Iím sorry for what I did
I didnít mean to hurt you
Donít look at me that way
Like Iím just another issue

Please donít treat me like Iím nothing
It was all a big mistake
Iím sorry I didnít live up to your standards
And I am just another ache

It started as a game
We didnít mean any harm
But now Iím sorry I embarrassed you
And caused such alarm

They told me it was safe
And nothing could go wrong
But now as I sit here in this cell
I realize that this is where I belong

Please donít be mad at me
As it is I feel bad
Because the sight of that boy, dying on the hospital bed
Made me feel really sad

I just took one sip
Thatís all, I swear
But then they said, ďHere! Drink more!Ē
Which is why heíll spend life in a wheel chair

I was driving home from the party
When they crossed the street
And in my drunken stupor
I ran on to the blackened concrete

I am writing this now, in hopes Iíll be forgiven for what Iíve done
Because Mom, I didnít mean to kill your other son



what do you think?
too sad?
too emo?
any changes?
Discuss!

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Old 03-23-2007, 11:49 PM   #2
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Reporting you for murder brb.



"No, Mama. You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty whoever put that hit on you already got the cops in their back pocket." ~Black Dynamite
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Old 03-24-2007, 12:26 AM   #3
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Sentence structure in terms of a rhythmic pattern of syllables could use some work.
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:13 PM   #4
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You got rhyme, which is good, good use of language, its like a mini-story, in the end, its good.
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:25 PM   #5
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I wanted a little E.A. Poe
twist in there
here's a less emo one:







Live Life Today Like Thereís No Tomorrow

Life is a precious gift
People just donít accept that
When given an opportunity
They turn it down or out on to the doormat

Some people are rich
Others are poor
This is one of the many reasons
That this world is fraught with war

Everyone has their troubles
Will I make it through the week?
Does he really love me?
Why canít she speak?

There is no perfect world
No matter how much you try
There will never be a day
That no one will cry

Life is so short
It never does last
Those who donít realize that
Are the real outcasts

You must live life to its fullest
And take advantage of what you control
Accept the misfortunes in life
And let go of your soul

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
And live life like it's Heaven on Earth.



What about that one?
huh?
comments or complaints

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Old 03-24-2007, 03:12 PM   #6
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It almost seems like a song The Fray would sing. You should send it to them and have 'em take a look at it lol. And help you with it.

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Old 03-24-2007, 03:58 PM   #7
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i hate the fray.
grrrr

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Old 03-24-2007, 04:59 PM   #8
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The guy that sing for the band is uber-white. Like vampire white.
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:01 PM   #9
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You should write a villanelle. Those are rad and a great way to end a poem book.
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:05 PM   #10
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Write me a poem about this:




"No, Mama. You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty whoever put that hit on you already got the cops in their back pocket." ~Black Dynamite
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:14 PM   #11
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Great way to end a thread, Jmac +10xp
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:28 PM   #12
Davinq
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss_Mayhem
The guy that sing for the band is uber-white. Like vampire white.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again Mayhem. Isaac Slade is the shiznit, don't be dissin' on him! -_-(tm)

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Old 03-24-2007, 10:38 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jmac7142
Go rent Trading Places.
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Old 03-25-2007, 12:44 AM   #14
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That reminds me of why American kids have no legitimate reason to be pouty. ****ers.

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Old 03-25-2007, 01:04 AM   #15
Davinq
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To whom are you insinuating, itchy?

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Old 03-25-2007, 11:11 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth_Ave
You should write a villanelle. Those are rad and a great way to end a poem book.
WTF is that, ave?

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Old 03-25-2007, 06:04 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turtlefreak
i hate the fray.
grrrr
How could you hate the fray?

They're awesome!


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Old 03-25-2007, 06:21 PM   #18
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For the insult on the Fray tf, you must burn!!!
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Old 03-25-2007, 07:20 PM   #19
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DSP for you, Jmac!

Okay, I got a poem for the pics:

Dad was an NK high officer.
Dad flicked a cig in Kim Jong Il's elevator.
Dad and mom are dead
My sister and I have no legs now
Thanks, Dad.


<No way you can read this. My handwriting's illegible>
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Old 03-25-2007, 07:49 PM   #20
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^Lmao, good try though, for that, you get a beer!!
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:46 PM   #21
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Here's a poem. I would give you my rap from The Hunt is On, but it has the f dizzle.

SLINKIEEEEESSS
onmywrist.
They are multicolored.
AnD VaRiOuS SiZeS.
I have a UNIQUE sense of humor.
To wear these slinkies
on my arms.
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Old 03-25-2007, 10:32 PM   #22
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nice
but i dont think mayhem would like it
but its original

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Old 03-26-2007, 09:04 AM   #23
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*Does the same as tf avy*
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Old 03-26-2007, 09:10 PM   #24
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I dont hate the Fray, the guy is just very very very pallid.

Ohoh? PoetrySlam? Cant beleive I'm doing this ...

My LJ blog is better than yours
It has a shinier layout
Of it's superiority I can be sure
Be humbled I gave you a shoutout
It's pink and green and blue and grey
While you're without colorscheme
So hey just admit and say sometime today
That you're blog's blah while my blog gleams
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Old 03-26-2007, 10:16 PM   #25
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nice.
@ grey: thats me everyday...

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