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Old 05-08-2007, 01:54 AM   #1
Jae Onasi
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Stupid Criminal stories

'Vengeful elevator snags vandals'

One of my favorite stupid criminal stories--
Back in the early days of light-up shoes, when they weren't common and all, and they were a hot commodity. A guy decided to steal a pair, so he entered a store after it was closed one night, found a pair, put them on, and then heard the police coming in. He'd set off a silent alarm. So, he did what any brilliant criminal would do--ran like a chicken out the back door.

Lucky for him, behind the store was a large section of woods that he knew well. He thought he'd be able to outrun the cops and hide. However, every time he took a turn, it seemed the cops knew just where he was going. He ran harder, and emerged on the other side of the woods, right into the waiting arms of more cops.

"Man, how'd you know where I was going?" he asked.

"Your shoes light up, Einstein. We just followed the blinking lights in the dark."

Anyone have other favorites?


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 05-08-2007, 03:42 AM   #2
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I heard about one guy who tried to rob a cashier at a supermarket, and to distract her he paid for several hundreds of dollars worth of groceries. When she was counting his money he stole all of hers, and upon escaping found it only amounted to several dollars.

Probably the dumbest I've heard is a guy who attempted an armed robbery in a drug store, and upon seeing a magazine he liked picked it up, set the gun down in front of the cashier, and wandered off to read it.

I also heard about one guy who was (supposedly) too smart for his own good, and when he was robbing a rich house wanted to hide all trace of his presence there. When he was carting out some of the goods he stole accidentally bumped against a stairwell, and realizing he'd left some DNA evidence, took a wash-towel and some soap to get rid of it. But when he was doing that he noticed a fair hairs had fallen off him, and decided to wash the area where those had fallen too. Then thinking that since the goods he'd touched were touching the floor, there must be DNA evidence there too. He washed the floor there, but not before thinking of another place he might've left some DNA evidence. By the time he finished removing it all, the sun had risen, the house's owner had called the cops over an hour ago, and had had his floors cleaned to boot.


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Old 05-08-2007, 09:54 PM   #3
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The criminal who tried to rob the gun store and ran smack into several people carrying concealed weapon liscenses, as well as a fully armed cashier.

Edit: spelling and link (http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp)


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Old 05-08-2007, 10:22 PM   #4
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I've seen several stupid criminal stories when I was a law student (I don't practice in the criminal area so I am less aware of what kind of stupid things people can do now). Here are two that I remember:

- Once it was a guy who was accused of illegal possession of explosives and drugs: apparently the cops found several dynamite kgs under his kitchen table and about 1000 plants of marijuana in the basement. His excuse: the marijuana was for personal consumption and the explosives for duck hunting...I will always remember the judge's comment: "there must not have been much left of the ducks..."


- Another one was a couple accused of indecency: they were found nude in a gym by other clients doing the "act" on a sort of massage machine (those old things with an elastic around the waist that sort of vibrate)
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Old 05-08-2007, 10:39 PM   #5
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I thought the woman that called the police on her boyfriend for stealing her weed was funny. Worse still, she told them she needed it to sell because she was out of money!

Both her and the boyfriend were arrested... Smart woman...

Oh, and I heard this on the radio a few days ago. A man stole a car because his car broke down and he had an important appointment to keep. His appointment? He was on trial for drug possession. That didn't stop him from picking up a few friends on the way... Although, he never actually made it to court on his own. The vehicle's owner found it was missing and called the police. They found him cruising around town not far from where the car was stolen.

He now has a second court appearance. Hopefully, if his car is still not in working condition, he takes the bus...

OH! I got another one. I heard this a few years ago, so I don't remember all the details. Basically, this man's wife is in the hospital and he doesn't have a car or money for a cab. (Again, I have to ask, why not take the bus?) Anyway, he decides to call 911 and say hes sick and needs to get to the hospital. An ambulance is sent out and they take him to the hospital. When they arrive, he sneaks out and visits his wife.

He was caught. I forget what he was charged with, but he had to pay a hefty fine as well as ambulance fees. Smart man... at least, he probably thought so.



Last edited by Bob Lion54; 05-08-2007 at 10:49 PM.
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Old 05-09-2007, 01:16 AM   #6
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Don't bring that up, Jae, you know that orphanage attacked *me*.

Suuurrre. That's what they all say. --Jae

I heard about one Russian guy on a small island who robbed the local (and only) corner store and stole a Russian newspaper there. He also happened to be the only Russian speaker on the island, so you can imagine who the cops went for first.


Let's kill ourselves.

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 05-09-2007 at 03:07 AM.
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Old 05-09-2007, 10:50 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth333
- Another one was a couple accused of indecency: they were found nude in a gym by other clients doing the "act" on a sort of massage machine (those old things with an elastic around the waist that sort of vibrate)
* Quickly heads to eBay to see if anyone is selling one of those things *

<.<
>.>


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Old 05-09-2007, 11:06 AM   #8
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I seen in the news that a group of teenagers (no wonder) broke into a store, kinda like BEST BUY, and started collecting stuff, but one of them was dumb enough to show his face into a video recorder camera (he though it was off) and because he had a criminal record, the cops got him, then he talked and they arrested the others.
When I first watched the news about it, I laughed my head off.


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Old 05-09-2007, 11:06 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChAiNz.2da
* Quickly heads to eBay to see if anyone is selling one of those things *

<.<
>.>
Here ya go: http://www.sport-tiedje.de/kettler/m...002_detail.jpg

Enjoy!

Incompetent thief (a bit old but always fun): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJBlrIozhzE
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Old 05-09-2007, 10:19 PM   #10
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Quote:
* Quickly heads to eBay to see if anyone is selling one of those things *
A buddy of mine has a vibrating thingie under her pillow to wake her up. It's apparently connected to her alarm clock or a timer or something. Gotta wonder what else she does with it.

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Old 05-09-2007, 11:17 PM   #11
Jae Onasi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagobahn Eagle
A buddy of mine has a vibrating thingie under her pillow to wake her up. It's apparently connected to her alarm clock or a timer or something. Gotta wonder what else she does with it.
She uses it for a neck massage I'm sure.

Here's another good one from Stupid Criminal Files:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Another stupid one....
Courtesy of Fon Du Lac Reporter

A $500 cash bail was ordered today for a 35-year-old Fond du Lac man who was arrested early Sunday after he handed an officer a marijuana pipe instead of his driver’s license.

Thomas E. Bartow Jr. made an initial court appearance this morning where he was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and resisting or obstructing an officer.

Bartow was apparently intoxicated when officers found him passed out in a bathroom stall at the Ramada Hotel, 1 N. Main St., around 1 a.m. Sunday, according to a Fond du Lac Police Department report. He was fully clothed and sitting on a toilet.

Officers shook Bartow several times before he responded. They asked him if he knew where he was and Bartow replied, “yeah, West Bend,” according to the report.

The officer asked Bartow for identification and Bartow pulled out a yellow and gray marijuana pipe and handed it to the officer, the report said. The officer again asked for identification, and Bartow took out his checkbook, ripped out a check and handed it to the officer.

The officer then asked Bartow to exit the bathroom. Bartow walked out of the hotel and started walking down Division Street, ignoring the officers’ orders to stop, according to the report.

Officers used a Taser gun on Bartow after he continued to be uncooperative, according to the report. He was arrested and taken to the Fond du Lac County Jail.

He told officers he’d never seen the marijuana pipe before, according to the report.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 05-10-2007, 12:58 AM   #12
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One theif claimed on appeal that he was not the same person as the one who committed the crime.

The reason was that after staying in prison or about 5 years, all his cells have died off and been replaced. His hand cells, his feet cells, his tounge cells, all of them. Because of that, he is now a brand new person, and not the same person as the one who done the crime years before. He no longer have any part of the old person who done the crime, so since he is a brand new person, the State should not keep him in prison any longer.

The appeal failed. While such a philopshical argument is pretty good...it's only for philosphers, and not for laymen who do not care for this sort of thing.


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Old 05-10-2007, 01:18 AM   #13
Jae Onasi
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Well, his brain cells don't regenerate and get replaced, so he failz anatomy and physiology.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

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Old 05-10-2007, 08:18 AM   #14
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A couple of years ago, and I still get a good chuckle, is a true story of a man who broke into a family's home when they were away.

He had a couple of large mail bags that he had packed full of all of their valuables from silver and jewelry to small appliances and electronics.

Well, he must have been tired from all of the stealing because later that night the family comes home to find a strange man passed out on their couch with his stockinged feet up on the coffee table and his shoes next to the bags of their belongings. The remote was on his lap and the tv was on.

Of course the police were called and he was arrested. Geez!

...I'm still laughing. How incredibly ridiculous.


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Old 05-10-2007, 09:42 AM   #15
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Just a few months ago I seen on the news a report about a guy who robbed a Camera shop.

Seriously, like ... dude! It's full of operating video camera's ...

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Old 05-11-2007, 07:52 AM   #16
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There were hese 2 guys who went into a store with the working outfit on, and they tried to steal stuff, but the store owner recognized there voices plus hey were wearing there name tags. Just stupid...


Yes
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Old 05-11-2007, 05:29 PM   #17
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I know a pair of stupid criminal stories, both of them happened in Spain (from were I am) and some years ago, I just remember the headlines:

"Man arrested while he drove drunk, whispering, simulation that he was playing the battery and with me music very very high"

"Thief assaults a bank and runs while screaming his (real) name, direction and DNI (spanish document of identity) number"

If I remember more I´ll post them.


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Old 05-13-2007, 01:08 AM   #18
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well, i've got one that i can tell you from personal experience.

you see, the computer store i work at had a break-in about a week ago, and a lot of stuff was either stolen or bashed to pieces (hence the reason for me not being online much for a while). after all the deal with the police, insurance people, and the media (hey, it is a small town after all), the owner had me and most of the other employees help with the cleanup.

well, our owner had an idea and suggested to the police that they look through the log files of anybody that accessed the network we have in the store on the night of the break-in. sure enough, the burglar had accessed a computer that somebody had forgotten to shut off, and then took the time to log into an outside network that belonged to another business to check his email.

after getting the information from that business, the police were able to track down the burglar and make the arrest. our owner pressed charges and is planning on suing him to compensate for damages.

moral of this story: if you break into a computer store to steal stuff, just take what you want and go. don't bother using one of their computers to check your email when all that information is logged on multiple levels.


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Old 05-13-2007, 09:07 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by stingerhs
sure enough, the burglar had accessed a computer that somebody had forgotten to shut off, and then took the time to log into an outside network that belonged to another business to check his email...the police were able to track down the burglar and make the arrest.


How dumb was he for doing that? Who has time to check their e-mail when they're commiting a theft?


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 05-13-2007, 09:12 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi


How dumb was he for doing that? Who has time to check their e-mail when they're commiting a theft?
He could have used someone elses e-mail account he had acquired the login for in an attempt to frame that person for the burglary. Though that wouldn't be as dumb.
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Old 05-13-2007, 10:08 AM   #21
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^^^^
well, the police said that they got a confession from him, so they're pretty sure that they have the right guy. i haven't heard much else, but they apparently have enough evidence against the guy that our owner was advised to press charges.

good thing, too. our store was absolutely trashed by this guy. i think damages were somewhere around $108,000 including non-merchandise stuff.

the good news: we reopen tomorrow after our major vendor comes in tonight.


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Old 05-13-2007, 07:47 PM   #22
Jae Onasi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stoffe
He could have used someone elses e-mail account he had acquired the login for in an attempt to frame that person for the burglary. Though that wouldn't be as dumb.
If he were that smart, he'd have a real job.

@stingerhs--well, I doubt the criminal has 108k to repay the owner, but he definitely should go to jail for doing all that.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
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