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Old 08-06-2007, 02:45 AM   #1
Mike Windu
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Story time!

So, I know there's a forum dedicated to creative writing, but that's usually fanfics and stuff. Plus, this is relatively short.

Short story, from a prompt about creating an "absent character." Comments/critique would be lovely. But reading would be more lovely. haha. ps yes I'm aware the story is a bit depressing.



"To Whom It May Concern"



05/04/


Dear Sarah,

How are you? We havenít spoken in a while. I hope you are well. And I donít mean that as some sort of formal greeting. I really hope you are well. Iím sorry for what happened between us. This wasnít how it was supposed to end. Hell, it wasnít how it was supposed to begin, either. But I have faith that God will put things right. As for me, Iím beginning to adjust, I guess. Thereís times of day when I think I might be going mad, but I suppose it is the repetitiveness of what I have to do inside this place. Iíll keep writing to you, I promise. They donít give me much time to write, but Iíll try to send one off as often as I can. In the meantime though, hereís our favorite song to keep you company.


ďI am thinking itís a sign,
that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images,
and when we kiss theyíre perfectly aligned..Ē

Your Love Always,



07/21

Dear Sarah,

As always I hope youíre well and enjoying yourself. As for me, Iím just strutting along.. This place isnít so bad once you get used to it. I still have some sort of freedom, in the perverted sense of the world. Hell, it might even be a bit comforting once you get past the stigma. I mean, I found the library the other day. They let you check out as many books as you want. Thereís other stuff here, too. Itís like a training facility or something. Weight rooms, performance rooms, etc. At any rate, I picked up some Shakespeare like you always wanted me to. This guy named Tim showed me where it was. Heís a pretty decent kid. Strawberry blonde, like you; even has your eyes. Heís about the only friend Iíve made while here. I know Iím not prone to making friendships, so thereís that. Anyway, I got a copy of Hamlet. Itís falling apart: the bindingís blown to hell and the damn pages keep flying out like theyíre little yellow parrots trying to escape me. At any rate, Iíll let you know what I think of the thing. Write back soon.

ďAnd I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clayÖĒ

Your Love Always,



1/4
Dear Sarah,

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock Clock. Haha, I thought thatíd amuse you. Happy New Year. I wonder what youíre doing right now. Itís funny, how little time has passed. Feels like forever. Iíve forgotten when I got in or even when Iíll get out. I wish I could hear your voice again. I kept forgetting to tell you earlier on, but the reason I can write to you is because of Tim. You remember, the blonde guy that gave me Hamlet? I swear he looks a hell of a lot like you. I even took out that old photo from Venice and compared you two. His face is a bit more plump, youíll be happy to know. Anyway, he gave me a gorgeous little teal fountain pen. Writes like a charm. Iíll fill you in more about him later. Happy New Year again, and keep in touch.

ďTrue, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to deathÖĒ


Your Love Always,




9?/?

Dear Sarah,

I never knew how much Iíd miss everything. I never really got to experience it until now, I guess. Remember when everyone shipped off for college or whatever to start their new lives? I stayed. Something Tim and I have in common with you, I guess. We have no ambition. To be honest, I donít know why you love me. I know itís been hard for both of us, but I see it as God testing our dedication. I know weíll come through. At any rate, I have to cut this short for now. Oh, I forgot, I havenít started Hamlet yet, but I swear Iíll tell you what I thought of it when I get done. In the meantime, hereís our favorite song again. I listened to it again for the first time in years cause of a certain someone. I swear, Iím not falling in love with the guy or anything. Take care.

ďWhen you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you homeÖĒ


Your Love Always,



Dear Sarah,

I miss you so much. The day-by-day-by-day monotony that seems to seep through the walls of this little patch of nothing is frustrating. However, the higher ups have deemed it right for me to be on some sort of meds. Hell if I know what they are, but at least theyíre making it a little easier to be in here. I think Iím losing my mind, though. The ivory of it all, the off-white, just drives me mad. Itís nothing but off-white. Off-white, everything off-center and not right. Hah, Iím rambling, donít worry about me, Iíll be fine. I hope youíre having fun out there. I hope this actually gets to you.

ďThey will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll sayÖĒ


Your Love Always,



Dear Sarah,

I donít have much time to write tonight, but Iím getting worried about you. I havenít heard from you in what seems like an eternity. I know youíre busy, but we used to talk so much. Iím sure everythingís fine and youíre just finding time to write, but write back soon. I donít know what Iím going to do. Everythingís the same when youíre not here to keep me company with your words.

ďBut everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stayÖĒ


Your Love Always,



Dear Sarah,

I donít really know if I believe in you anymore. I mean, I suppose I do since I keep writing to you, but our conversations are increasingly one sided. I guess you trust me enough to make my own diversions, but I wish I could know what was going on outside. Let me know that youíre safe, at least. Maybe Iím just being paranoid. I donít know whatís wrong with me. Maybe itís the meds. I canít get my mind off of you. My mind is a terrible place to beÖI donít even know where Iím going with this anymore. I guess I just stopped caring. I donít even know if it scares me that I say that. I know youíre out there waiting for me, you just have to be. I will come back to you as soon as this is over. It has to be over soon, Iíve been in here an eternity. Hereís hoping you write back soon.

ďI tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home.Ē


Your Love,



To Whom It May Concern:

I still donít know if Iím losing my mind. I used to spend months thinking about how to get out of here. I thought about how to transcend this place and get back to you. I canít, though. I guess I never could. My actions in this forsaken place donít echo. Thereís no echo. I could never figure out why until now. I figured it out though: There is no God. Or if there is, then heís chosen to forget us. Who are we to forget though? Who am I to forget? To remember? I canít even choose to be a loser, some f*ckup on the streets begging for a dime. I canít choose to exist. I guess it was why I was holding on to you so tightly. Itís hard to understand how much of my life has been determined by you. I could never figure out why that was, either. Is it love? Or just the idea of existing. I think that youíve become an idea to me. So for that, Iím sorry. Iím just lost in this finality.

ďEverything looks perfect from far away..Ē

--------------

ďHah. Another nutís cracked. Room 201. Letís go. Cleaning duty again.
ď201ís usually calm. What the hell happened?Ē
ďStabbed himself with his pen. Spilled about a gallon of blood all over the letter he was writing, the stupid git. He requested that he could keep a pen in his room and Tim didnĎt see anything wrong with it. God D*mned prat. HereĎs the room.Ē
ďYeah, Tim was the only one that gave a damn about that kid. Iíve seen them talk, it was almost like they were friends.
ďHah, yeah, great friends. So great Tim left last year. Whoíre those letters to? Kidís been in this hole most his life.Ē
ďCheck the records. Looks like some girl named Sarah.Ē
ďAll right, give me a second.Ē
ďThis kidís a f***ing idiot. He had everything he wanted. Hell, he was better off than anyone in here. Tim never visited any of the others this often. Much less talk to them. Tim even brought music sometimes. Iíve been in this dump five years and nobodyís brought me s*** to listen to, or my own pen to write with. You find the girl yet? What do we do with the letters?Ē
ďTrash Ďem. There is no Sarah.Ē




That's the last time I buy anything just because it's furry!

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Old 08-07-2007, 07:02 PM   #2
DarthAve
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...That's really beautiful, but sad. I love it, really. It's a great short story, and I have nothing but positive thoughts of it. ~thumbs up~
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Old 08-07-2007, 09:35 PM   #3
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Hey, that was really good.

Keep up the good work, Mike.

Out of curiosity, where'd you get the idea?



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Old 08-08-2007, 04:44 AM   #4
TiE23
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I don't know why but that story didn't really strike me. It felt like an average Silence of the Lambs-type spooky for the sake of being spooky short story. The motives were quite obvious and I could see the twist from a mile away. And the final part felt rather fake. I've seen the 'too tough to care about death, I've seen it so many times for some unexplained reason' cliche far too many times.


Tie's Kindle Reading Project
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Fiction: 12 | Fantasy/Sci-Fi 5; Classics 3; Literature 4
Non-fiction: 15 | Investigative 2; History/Politics 3; Science 3; Biography 7
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Old 08-08-2007, 01:21 PM   #5
Mike Windu
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Quote:
seen the 'too tough to care about death, I've seen it so many times for some unexplained reason' cliche far too many times.
But.. that's not it at all. :S

MrWally: When I started the story I wanted it to be about a man who gradually loses faith in God, but I thought it was too weird for someone to be writing letters to God... so I made Sarah a form of God... and then I had to think about how he was actually writing to her, and I thought of Tim, and then I gradually changed it so that Sarah was a perversion of Tim.

Looking back I probably could have made the letters longer, or provided more detail to demonstrate the psychological aspects that I really wanted to convey (echoing a person into an entirely separate entity) but I rushed. *shrugs* Deadline beat by 10 minutes.

Thanks Ave.

edit - p.s. thanks to you 3 for reading. haha. 75 views and 3 replies is a horrible ratio XD




That's the last time I buy anything just because it's furry!

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Old 08-09-2007, 05:25 PM   #6
Lady Jedi
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I liked it. To me it had the same feeling of typical dim short stories. And I mean that in a good way. Somewhat mysterious, not too complicated or surprising, and with most of the details really left to one's imagination.

All in all, good job. You definitely have some creative talent. If you continue to develop it, I think that you could find some improvement in your composition, and maybe find new ways to branch out from the ordinary.
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Old 08-10-2007, 10:41 PM   #7
TiE23
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I just think that the last part with the other guys talking could be cleaned up, the guys sound like two punks. Yeah, one is supposed to sound gruff, but I don't really get that message. Feels strained.

But now that I think about it, I don't like these sorts of stories in the first place. I blame South Park for using this situation a bunch of times (South Park movie with the dying resistance leader and the episode where Kyle gets a hemorrhoid) but I think the whole "God doesn't exist, he's abandoned me" sounds hypocritical.

But really, I can't nail down the words on this, so don't take my post that seriously.


Tie's Kindle Reading Project
"Making myself a more learned person and then bragging about it."
Since October 2010 - I'm a slow reader
-----------
27 Books Completed
('10: 4, '11: 9, '12: 7, '13: 6)
Fiction: 12 | Fantasy/Sci-Fi 5; Classics 3; Literature 4
Non-fiction: 15 | Investigative 2; History/Politics 3; Science 3; Biography 7
-----------
237,123 'locations'
11,865 pages (approx)
-----------
Last book: Cosmos by Carl Sagan - Dec 2013
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