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Old 08-25-2007, 05:35 PM   #1
Wedge Suron
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Read my Signature

While you are i will either be typing up the story or I will be asleep.

Depends on time difference.

Do comment as well

Mod note: I can't see how this thread belongs in the serious discussion forum. If it's about a Fan-fic it should be in the Entertainment Center forum. Moved. ~M

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A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-25-2007, 06:58 PM   #2
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Paul, the way it works in CEC is that you post your story (or chapters of fanfics) first, and then people comment. If you write and stick with it, you'll have comments fairly quickly. Feel free to post your chapters in your thread. If you don't feel like posting a story after all, let me know and we'll close the thread to avoid spamming. Please see the Guide to User Made Stories, aka Fan Fiction for more instructions.


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Old 08-26-2007, 03:27 AM   #3
Wedge Suron
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[FIC] Star Wars the Dark Republic's Rise and Fall

Good Day.

This is the Fanfic my Signature has a teaser for

I have it set like a reality TV show with Voiceovers, I have tried to give descriptions as well only Dark Side so far. Currently there is no Sign of the apprentice i mentioned. She won't appear till at least another chapter since I need to get the back story of the Dark Lord shown first.

Also there might be a Couple of spoilers for TSL. Mention only.

Well Here it is.

Prologue.
6ABY

Luke Skywalker is visited by a ghost while meditating.

"Who Are You?" Asked Luke

"Who am I? I was A Dark Lord of the Sith over 4000 years ago"

"Sith" Luke Cried.

"If I could I would snap your neck Jedi."

"Fine" Luke Said "What do you want?"

"To tell you my story."

End of prologue

Chapter 1
Sometime before 4070 BBY

(voice over) "Some would say that Sith are born Evil, Some would say the Sith could care less for people." He Started " I was both."

"My Life originally was ordinary, For my race You see I was a Mandalorian to start with." He explained. "Back then All we Mandalorians cared about was Honor and honing our skills. Melee combat, Blaster use, Heavy Weapons use and demolitions use."

"Go on"

"Not only was I a Mandalorian, I was the son and heir to the Current Mandalore. Then 'He' came. A Sith Lord who told us I was needed for a Mission. a Mission that the Mandalorians would one day rule the Galaxy. We didn't know he was a Sith Lord at first."

"How can you not know who is a Sith and who isn't?" Luke Asked.

"To borrow a human phrase 'it didn't click in our minds at the time'"

"Ah."

"I gladly went with him. I was taken to a planet in the Outer Rim. *sees Luke about to ask where* Don't bother it was destroyed over a century after my death."

"Right"(End Voice over)

"You will call me one of two things Master or My lord."

"Understood My Lord."

"Meditate with me reach out with your senses and give in to your anger and the power you can sense."

(Voice over "I did and have never regretted it" End Voice over)

*SCREAM*

"Yes can you feel it?"

"I can."

I looked up with Glowing Gold Eyes and pulsating veins. I was almost one with the Dark Side.

(Interjection voice over "Almost one with the Dark Side?" "let my past explain")

"Good the power of Malachor now Runs through your Veins and pumps through your blood."

*2 Years later*

"Greetings My Lord."

"Good Day Apprentice."

(Voice Over "I had Decided the night before I would kill him I had snuck into his room and injected him with a slow killing poison.")

"How are You today My Lord?"

"Weak. Tired... You've poisoned me!!!"

"Indeed My Lord it was the only way to kill you."

My Eyes we're a pulsating gold now my skin had started to turn Red I was worried.

(Voice over "It turned out I was not a Mandalorian by blood at all.")

"My Lord Why has my skin started to go Red?"

"Because your True Nature is coming out. as soon as you give in to the Dark Side completely it will be complete."

"Why? Are all Mandalorian Sith like this?"

"You aren't a Mandalorian by Blood. You are a Pure Sith, that makes you all the more dangerous."

End of chapter 2.

*Authors notes* Pure Sith doesn't belong to me it belongs to another Fanfic author. Basically he's a True Sith.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-26-2007, 12:57 PM   #4
Jae Onasi
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Merged 'read my signature' thread with story thread.


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Old 08-27-2007, 06:30 AM   #5
Wedge Suron
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I'd just like to say that I have changed the prologue a bit and corrected a few grammar mistakes.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-27-2007, 07:03 AM   #6
Wedge Suron
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So here's the next 2 chapters

Chapter 2.

"How?"

"Pure Sith are stronger than normal Sith because they are naturally strong at lightsaber combat and in the Force."

"How do I give into the Dark Side completely?"

"By *unintelligible whisper*" (A/N this is purely for the forums rating)

"Understood My Lord."

("He finally died at that point.")

"MALACHOR I DARTH KADIN NOW TAKE MY PLACE AS DARK LORD OF THE SITH."

Darth Kadin walks to the archives and learns the secrets of Malachor and the Dark Side.

"Excellent. now to the Jedi to get my Apprentice"

Darth Kadin had recently sensed a Jedi was about to fall and would make her His apprentice for that Jedi had a skill he wanted on his side.

End of chapter 2

Chapter 3

Hannah Shan, Jedi Knight and hero of the recent Pirate war. Felt fear, she had almost fallen to the Dark Side by nearly striking the Pirate King down in anger the Council had told her by turning away from it had earned her Knighthood.

'I wouldn't have been in the war' Hannah thought 'Was it not for my skill in Battle Meditation.'

Indeed Hannah was a master of the famed skill. but wasn't a master of her emotions.

One Day while patroling the Coruscant streets she came upon a gang of mercs.

"Hello little lady like to have some fun?"

"Buzz off Idiot."

Hannah jumped that wasn't her or anyone she recognized.

"Who said that?"

Shots rang out and all the mercs were dead within minutes.

"Good Day, are you okay?" Someone said with an accent she couldn't place a planet to at that moment but it was the one she had heard tell the mercs to buzz off.

Hannah Looked up to see someone with a mask on

"Hello, and i'm fine."

The Figure notices her lightsaber and she says, "Oh Yeah come out with it 'Because I'm a Jedi I can handle a few mercs' I get it all the time."

"If that's what you want me to say, but even a Jedi can get surprised is my policy."

Hannah then notices the Figure has a lightsaber of his own.

"Are you a Jedi?"

"No my friend was, he gave this me to look after."

She Senses no deception "Oh sorry, I guess he was a good Friend then?"

"Yes, A fine Jedi too." He said then notices who she is.

"Hannah Shan?"

"Oh Great another fanboy."

"Not that my friend had a crush on you, I still have the picture of us three. Here look at it."

"John... is that you?"

End of chapter 3.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Cliffhanger? or isn't it.

Oh and she is the apprentice.

Who is he is he Kadin? or is he a person under Kadins command? or is he neither?




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-27-2007, 06:03 PM   #7
lupus wulf
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Hi, thanks for the message ^^.
Interesting idea, would i be right in assuming that this is hinting that the darkside runs in mandalore's bloodline? still too short for me to get critical but i like the ideas behind it. (in tsl i always wanted mandalore to become a jedi)
also I like the way its laid out, kinda like a movie script.
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Old 08-27-2007, 06:10 PM   #8
Wedge Suron
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Yeah but he's not a real Mandalorian, he's only one by title. He's a Direct descendant of the Original Sith. Don't ask me to explain it.

It isn't finished anyway. I wanted a comment that was on the story.

Here's the next 2 chapters. Here we have the two Sith Master and Apprentice by the end of the next 2.

Chapter 4.

Hannah and the Masked man now sit in a Restaurant (A/N That would be the one Dex runs in AOTC)

"Hannah I..."

"John look I'm a Jedi Knight" (A/N We've established his name is John.)

"One Who Jake Said was close to the Dark Side last time he spoke to me." (A/N Allright it isn't Kadin it isn't easy to get to Coruscant people)

"John, Jake was the reason I nearly turned to the Dark Side at the end of the war, the Pirate King killed him."

"I know I wanted that beast dead too."

"HANNAH SHAN." A new Voice shouted.

They Both turned to see a Dark Jedi.

"Uh oh."

Hannah's Lightsaber snapped on with a Yellow Blade. The Dark Jedi's lightsaber snapped on with a Red Blade.

At the Dark Jedi's Lightsaber activation all the patrons ran.

"Hannah, I'm going please handle this and meet me here tommorow at this time."

"But..."

"I'm a master swordsman but I'm no good with a Lightsaber."

"Jake's..."

"I'm Not a Jedi or Force Sensitive."

"Fair Point there."

"Ahem" the Dark Jedi said to get attention. "My master has ordered me to kill you John Sarisa." (A/N now we've established he's not a follower either.)

"What? Why?"

"He didn't say."

This Dark Jedi was obviously strong. He suddenly shot force lightning at John who blocked it with a Blue Blade... of a Lightsaber?

"What, where did you get that?" The Dark Jedi asked "My master said you weren't force sensitive, You said you weren't force sensitive."

"Not my lightsaber it was a friends."

By now 2 Jedi, A Master and a Padawan, had arrived.

"Knight Shan good to see you are still around, Where did that man get a lightsaber?"

"The Blue one? It was Padawan Barisso's lightsaber."

"Oh, I understand that was sent to a Childhood friend of the 2 of you. that would be him I presume?"

"Yes."

Suddenley The Dark Jedi attacked John who blocked the attack with a Grace not seen in even a Jedi.

"Master K'reaza look at that!!!"

"How in the name of the force???"

"He's a Swordmaster, His father is the most dangerous Melee Fighter in the whole of Talravin."

"Was, Hannah, Was he died last month I have that title now."

"*gulp* Master I have a feeling this guy could teach the Jedi Masters a thing or 2 about one on one combat."

"Maybe my Padawan."

John finally finishes him with a Decapitation of the neck.

"The Republic Military could do with a man like that."

"Last I heard he was in the Talravin Militia."

"Talravin was attacked by Pirates wasn't it?"

"Yes. I was the only survivor of the militia. so I drove their forces off the planet alone."

"Good Lord the Republic Military could definately do with you."

"I Know that's why I came here to Coruscant. a Recruiter said if I tell them i was the Saviour of Talravin I would get the rank of Brigadier General."

"Fame isn't everything."

"Apparently there was a News Broadcast of the battle."

"That's why the Republic arrived."

"Well I earned it with Fighting the Pirates apparently."

"Any other reason for coming other than the fact of that and telling me to come out of the Darkness I was falling towards."

"None Really."

"So what now?"

"Now I go, I not only have Brigadeer I'm a Commodore too."

"May the For be with you Hannah."

Both John and Hannah laughed at that.

"Huh?"

"Old Joke, she was so shy when we said goodbye after the Jedi came for her."

"I knew all about the Jedi Goodbye, I was just too young to say Force right."

"Oh..."

Meanwhile in the Darkness of Space.

"So, he's better with a Lightsaber than he'd like to admit huh? Hmm Republic fleet. that gives me an idea."

End of Chapter 4

A/N I know that the lightsaber duel wasn't typed out I wasn't in the mood for it. Dark Lords having idea's now that's dangerous.

Next Chapter: Darth Kadin attacks a Small fleet. More importantly it's John's fleet. Where on earth did he get that many ships? I know but they don't.

Read to find out.

Chapter 5

The Liberty was a Hammerhead class warship, A new kind of Capital Ship. (A/N Basically it's an Endar Spire ship)

Commodore John Sarisa Stands on the bridge of this Fine ship while it's fleet flies around it on patrol.

"Captain Ojero Report on Fleet status and send it to Coruscant."

"Understood Commodore." a minute later "Commodore we have a problem we're being jammed on all long range frequencies. We have only ship to ship communications."

"How and from where?"

"A fleet on the edge of our space heading this way."

"How Big is the fleet?"

Silence

"Captain Report."

"200 ships Commodore."

"Good Lord. on monitors"

"Engine Room reports all Hyperdrive power went down as soon as our communications were blocked."

"Sabotage?"

"Interdictor field more likely."

"How Many ships in that fleet are Interdictors?"

"50 Ships and all of them have weapons."

"INCOMING FIGHTERS!!!"

"Tell all ships launch all fighters."

"All of them Commodore?"

"Yes we'll most likely need them."

"Aye sir."

"Tell all them to stick with the ships. All ships open fire on those ships Keep your distance."

"Sir at this distance we won't do much damage."

"Better than losing ships Captain at least when we do we might take some with us." (Author's comment: Probably not but it's encouragement.)

So the battle began.

On the bridge of the Sith Flagship Kadin's fist. (A/N Where do you think I get the name of my ship from?)

"Interesting."

"My Lord the Hammerhead is the Flagship."

"Good destroy everything but that ship."

"My Lord?"

"Do it when the rest are destroyed knock that ships hyperdrive, Sensors and Communications out. Destroy the systems actually but leave it alive."

"Understood My Lord. *to the weapon men* You heard him men."

On the Liberty.

"Commodore, the ships are destroying the fleet, but seem to be ignoring us."

"They mean to leave us alive but disabled Captain."

"Why?"

"Because for a reason only they know."

"Commodore. the ships."

"Ah did you check all republic records?"

"Yes Sir."

"Go On Captain."

"We have no records on any of the markings on that ship. We do know the Flagships name though. it's called the Kadin's Fist. we know it purely because it's being screamed on all channels."

"Lovely. that means they're going to take the Republic to war eventually."

"Sir we've lost the entire fleet. They've ceased fire and all they're pulling their fighters back."

"Which means they're going to talk then disable us. Universal Book of tactics chapter 37 'How to conquer the Galaxy'"

"They're hailing us."

"Put them on."

A figure snaps onto the holo-projector. (A/N Give you 1 guess who that is)

"Good Day Commodore Sarisa."

"Who are you?" (A/N Times up)

"My Name is Darth Kadin, Dark Lord of the Sith."

"Lovely, why is it that the Republic never get's a break from idiots. First pirates now an Idiot claiming to be the Dark Lord of the Sith."

Darth Kadin Force Chokes the Commodore. Releasing him after a minute.

"You were saying Commodore?"

"Fine. an Idiot that has force powers and probably is the Dark Lord of the Sith."

"Still disrespectful but I don't care. All the choke was for was to prove I am who I say I am good day commodore by the time you get back to shipyards I will be gone with your little friend." *evil laughter is heard right before the connection is cut*

"Commodore they just destroyed our Hyperdrive Engines, Sensors and Communications."

"They're moving away" The captain says while he looks out the windows.

"Sith? That isn't good."

"The Jedi are going to want to know about this Commodore."

"Set Course for the nearest shipyard all possible speed."

"How?"

"Take us the way by looking at the stars. The old way before sensors of course."

"Aye Sir."

"Hannah I'm sorry we can't have that dinner on the date I promised."

"Commodore who did they mean by 'Your little friend'?"

"Good Lord they're going after Hannah."

"Who? and should we going to Talravin?"

"Hannah Shan, Jedi Knight and Hero of the Pirate war, he's going to go for her."

"On Coruscant?"

"Indeed, A Dark Jedi snuck onto Coruscant why not him?"

"Sir is it possible he sent that Dark Jedi?"

"Maybe."

"Sir, No offense but why her why not someone else..."

"He know's of her skill in Battle Meditation I bet"

"If She turns that would spell doom for the Republic."

"Indeed."

End of Chapter 5

The Plot thickens. Why did Darth Kadin attack the fleet yet leave the Flagship crippled? To turn Hannah to the Dark Side by saying he was dead? We know now he might have sent the Dark Jedi to kill John but why? An attempt to turn Hannah? find out next time.

Lupus do keep an eye on this story.

I already have the next 2 chapters written.

This story ends with Darth Kadin's death.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-27-2007, 06:42 PM   #9
Kas'!m
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Eh . . . i don't see chapter two
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:41 AM   #10
Wedge Suron
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Thanks. I've sorted the chapter numbers now. I've moved the numbers back one.

Here's the next 2 chapters.

Chapter 6.
Coruscant.

"... Today the Republic Fleet confirmed the dissapearance of a Fleet of Ships that were supposed to report in 2 hours ago while out on a patrol."

"TURN THAT UP."

"Who... Sorry Knight Shan." He does as he is asked.

"The Flagship of the Fleet under the command of Commodore John Sarisa has been confirmed missing, the rest of the fleet has however turned up as scrap nothing bigger than a Fighter."

"Oh my..."

"The Commodore was hailed the Saviour of Talravin in the Pirate War and some sources within the military say that High Command don't believe at this time that the ship was destroyed."

"That means they were captured or they're limping to a Spacedock."

"Republic Military has just reported that pieces of the Flagship were found amongst the wreckage. However it seems that it wasn't destroyed. for some reason the Hyperdrive, Sensors and Communications were destroyed. The attackers are still out there though since no wreckage that wasn't Republic was found."

"John Come home."

"Knight Shan, I think you should return to the Temple."

"Thanks."

She walks outside.

"Knight Shan."

"Who are you?"

"I'm a friend I have information on your friend the Commodore."

"You should send it to the Republic Fleet Headquarters."

"Knight Shan, this information is to go to you directly not the Republic."

"Well?"

"He's dead I'm Afraid, my friends on the outer rim saw the battle and heard every word He was killed during the attack on the Flagship."

Hannah Released her anger and embraced the Dark Side.

"Go to Landing bay 3 on the west side of the Senate chambers. Someone that can help you will be there."

Meanwhile on the platform that was mentioned.

"Ahh She's finally fallen."

10 minutes later.

"WHERE ARE YOU."

"Hannah Shan Greetings."

"Greetings."

"Please board the Ship."

"Very Well."

'Excellent now all I need to do is take her to Malachor and #### ### #### ###.' (A/N AGE RATING PEOPLE oh yeah i put it like that.)

Meanwhile in the Jedi High Council chambers.

"Hmm."

"What is it Master Vandar?"

"I fear we have lost Knight Shan to the Dark Side."

"WHAT!!!"

"This is troubling."

End of Chapter 6.

People Be reasonable I'm trying to keep this in a young rating for reasons I will not explain what the #'s are for. The Violence of course is going to get worse in later chapters.

Two Year gap from the last chappie to the next.

Chapter 7

Malachor was Hannah's home. She and her master had given into the Dark Side completely.

With the Ships being churned out fast and Her Master now Mandalore they were going to be unstoppable.

"My Lord why do we sit and wait? We Could attack the Republic anytime we wish."

Her Master had told her that John apparently wasn't dead and had faked his death.

"Soon my apprentice."

Meanwhile in a Fleet on the edge of Republic Space.

Commodore John Sarisa was on the newly refitted Liberty.

"Captain any sign of that fleet or similar on sensors?"

"Nothing Commodore."

"Mad where are they?"

Meanwhile above the planet Onderon.

An entire Armada had appeared out of hyperspace.

"Colonel we have an Armada fitting the description that attacked the Republic fleet two years ago right in front of us."

"Good Lord. Hail the nearest Republic Fleet send out a distress call. all ships battlestations!!!"

On the Liberty.

Alarms are blaring.

"Report."

"Onderon is sending out a distress call they say they're under attack by an armada matching the description of the fleet that attacked this ship two years ago."

"ALL SHIPS CHANGE COURSE BATTLESTATIONS."

On the Sith Flagship Kadins Fist.

"Hmm, they do seem a little sluggish My Lord."

"Do they Admiral?"

"My Lord forgive me."

"Don't worry Admiral It's my Apprentice and her Battle Meditation."

Now the Admiral was a pale man but he had just gone paler.

"Understood my lord."

Meanwhile.

"Colonel, the Sith are countering our every strategy and tactic. Every Fighter and Captial ship attacking in perfect unison I've never seen such military precision."

On the Liberty.

"We've arrived Commodore."

"Good inform the Onderonians to form up."

"Commodore, there isn't much left of the Onderonian fleet."

"WHAT HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Fine all ships attack send out all fighters."

Captain Ojero went Pale This didn't go unnoticed.

"Captain what's wrong?"

"Commodore, The flagship of the Sith fleet. It's the Kadin's Fist."

All the crew that survived the battle 2 years ago went pale.

All the crew that weren't there didn't.

"Get me that Shabla Charrak on the Holo-Emitter." (A/N that's Mandalorian people)

"You're on Commodore."

"KADIN SPEAK TO ME!!!"

A Figure snapped on to it.

"Commodore you don't have to shout." He Snapped. "My mask has hearing filters which means no shouting is needed."

"AFTER LEAVING ME TO GO BACK TO THE REPUBLIC SLOWLY OF COURSE I WILL SHOUT!!!"

"Commodore he cut the transmission on the word leaving."

"The Onderonian fleet has formed up Commodeore."

"How many ships remain?"

"3 out of 100 Onderonian ships remain."

The whole bridge crew gasped.

"Only 3, OUT OF A HUNDRED SHIPS!!!!"

"Commodore the Sith Fleet is leaving."

"Let them go."

The whole bridge crew gasped again.

"Do you want to die in they're space? I don't."

"Good Point. How'd he know you were here?"

"The Force no doubt told him."

On Onderon an hour later.

"YOU LET THEM LEAVE!!!"

"I didn't want to follow them on a Suicide Mission."

"He has a Point your Majesty."

"Indeed."

"Commodore I want to tell you something. The Sith were countering our every strategy and tactic. Every Fighter and Captial ship attacking in perfect unison we'd never seen such military precision anywhere."

The Commodore went pale.

"I have but not from the Sith."

"Commodore?"

"Colonel ever heard of Battle Meditation?"

The Colonel went pale.

"Commodore, You can't be serious?"

"I had a friend and Jedi Knight fell to the Dark Side 2 years ago during the time I had dissapeared."

"Go on."

"She was a master of Battle Meditation. Her name was Hannah Shan."

"The hero of the Pirate War?"

"Indeed."

End of chapter 7.

So why did they attack Onderon and then retreat? Find out next time.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-28-2007, 06:55 AM   #11
Wedge Suron
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lupus wulf
Hi, thanks for the message ^^.
Interesting idea, would i be right in assuming that this is hinting that the darkside runs in mandalore's bloodline? still too short for me to get critical but i like the ideas behind it. (in tsl i always wanted mandalore to become a jedi)
also I like the way its laid out, kinda like a movie script.
I'd Like to say this is set before Exar Kun people.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-28-2007, 08:34 AM   #12
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Hello Paul, and welcome to the forums. You're going to surpass me in post count very soon, lol.

Anyway, at your request, shall give you some feedback bout your fic. For starters, I've never been a great fan of this script style. One of the advantages that written stories have over movies is that you can describe in detail how the character is feeling, and what they are thinking. Also, the transition confuses me. Is it still the same person speaking? (I've made this mistake before) Try to be more clear with that, and with other things. Ideally, you shouldn't need notes to clear things up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Rhodes
"By *uninteligable whisper*" (A/N this is purely for the forums rating)
I really...do not see the point of that. Is it supposed to be the subject of speculation? Btw, it's "unintelligible". Spellcheck is my best friend

John seems too happy to kill people just because they hit on Hannah. If that happened in real life, I'd say the male population would be down by 70%

If you don't explain it, the readers are expected to think the Mandalorians could mistake a pureblood Sith as one of their own? If it's set before the time of Exar Kun, that means that the restaurant would be over 4000 years old during AotC. Hardly a short time by any measure. And walking around in a mask is just so passť! Pirate war? Do explain!

They do seem to have quite a bit of time, standing around asking questions. In my book, only the dumbest villains announce, "XXX, I am here to kill you." Plus, I'm not sure whether any lightsaber wielded by a non-Force sensitive would be able to absorb Force lightning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Rhodes
Suddenley The Dark Jedi attacked John who blocked the attack with a Grace not seen in even a Jedi.

"Master K'reaza look at that!!!"

"How in the name of the force???"

"He's a Swordmaster, His father is the most dangerous Melee Fighter in the whole of Talravin."

"Was, Hannah, Was he died last month I have that title now."

"*gulp* Master I have a feeling this guy could teach the Jedi Masters a thing or 2 about one on one combat."
Bear in mind that the Jedi are warriors, who have been subjected to a rigorous training since early childhood. With the Force, they can do things which ordinary sentients cannot. Therefore, I find it pretty improbable that John could be more graceful then a Jedi Knight. Or beat a Master.

John, the one man army, who could emerge victorious over the forces that slew an entire militia, may be a very funky idea, but it's, again, improbable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Rhodes
The Plot thickens. Why did Darth Kadin attack the fleet yet leave the Flagship crippled? To turn Hannah to the Dark Side by saying he was dead? We know now he might have sent the Dark Jedi to kill John but why? An attempt to turn Hannah? find out next time.
Because if he killed John, that's just no fun And why leave the flagship intact, unless one is particularly determined to make a point about how stupid megalomaniacs can get?

Why is it on the news? How did they know that the flagship was not destroyed? Why so much detail about the condition of the ship? Since they know so much, they could well just pull the ship's coordinates out of their ears

Hannah fell really easily. Heh.

Do fix up the typos, and punctuation errors. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. It does help to add more detail to your stories. A good example of marvellously intricate stories would be machiavelli's, do read them if you have time

Just keep writing!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:38 PM   #13
Wedge Suron
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The Pirate war is something I cannot explain without crying I'm afraid.

I'm up to chapter 11 Who said John killed them.

The Jedi part. Don't forget this generation haven't seen a Proper war yet.

John is more skilled with a Lightsaber than he would like to admit. As Darth Kadin pointed out.

The force lightning part. I believe that lightsabers in general can block it if someone knows how to do it right.

The part on the Flagship. because frankly it's what was rumoured to be Admiral Dodana's Ship in the Battle of the Star Forge. Besides there will be more encounters between the 2 of them.

I will pm you with the Translation of the Whisper as soon as I post this. actually how old are you?

on the fact of grammar. The program I type the chapters on doesn't have Spell checker.

The Dark Jedi was overconfidant.

This was to create a little suspense:
Quote:
The Plot thickens. Why did Darth Kadin attack the fleet yet leave the Flagship crippled? To turn Hannah to the Dark Side by saying he was dead? We know now he might have sent the Dark Jedi to kill John but why? An attempt to turn Hannah? find out next time.
On the fall. She was already close to falling already.

Next post will have 2 more chapters and the Reason for attacking Onderon and retreating is revealed.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:56 PM   #14
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I Added more detail on these chapters but not too much

Chapter 8.

"...In recent news the Republic has confirmed that a new Dark Lord of the Sith exists, and that he attacked Onderon."

"Damn them."

"However the Sith Fleet left minutes after the Republic fleet arrived."

"Why Attack Onderon and then leave?"

"The Onderonian Shipyards were destroyed during the battle, more on this story tommorrow."

"To get them out of the way no doubt."

"Huh?"

"They're Objective wasn't to take Onderon but to eliminate it as a threat to them. By taking out their Shipyards."

"The Republic depended mostly on Onderon's fleet in the Pirate War..."

"Exactly. He's a Strategist and Tactician. Not to mention he can Force Choke a person through a Holo-Link."

"He proved 2 years ago the Republic was no match for him why not attack fully?"

"Because it isn't strategically sound at this time."

Meanwhile on Malachor 5.

"My Lord why do we only attack member worlds?"

"Because those worlds would have been threats to us when we conquered the galaxy."

"My Lord The Echani have sworn alleigance to the Republic."

"So they want to attack us with strategists do they? Prepare the fleet."

Meanwhile in the fleet orbiting the Echani homeworld.

The Liberty is sitting in the middle of one of the biggest Republic fleets that could be spared.

"Commodore. the Echani are onboard..."

Alarms are blaring.

"Let me Guess the Sith are here?"

"How? You knew they would come here."

"'Any threat to you in the future must be removed.' Echani Tactics 102."

"Good Lord where are they coming up with these ships?"

"Numbers?"

"600 ships... our side... 1200 SHIPS ON THEIR SIDE."

"They outnumber us 2 to 1."

"They probably outgun us 12 to 1. if not more."

"It's suicide."

"Guess who's in command."

"Kadin."

"Yes and he's hailing."

"Put him on."

The well known figure of Darth Kadin snapped on the Holo-Projector.

"Here to talk or shout at me today Commodore?"

"Talk."

"Nice small Fleet you have here."

The whole bridge crew gasped.

"SMALL!!!!!" they all shouted.

"Thank you for establishing what I just said."

Laughter from someone the Commodore once knew was Nice and Musical rang out, now it was Evil and Musical.

"Hannah, Come talk to the 'Good' Commodore."

"Johnie."

The Echani knew this was bad by the way the Commodore Flinched.

"Hannah."

"You are doomed leave and we will let you live."

"Cut that transmission." General Cyrus of the Echani roared.

"Don't worry General We're not leaving." the Commodore said.

"Was that who I thought it was?"

"That was former Jedi Knight Hannah Shan, Hero of the Pirate War."

"Master of Battle Meditation if I remember correctly."

"Launch all fighters move the fleet into a Defensive formation."

Meanwhile on the Kadins Fist.

"My Lord?"

"A typical Republic defensive formation. Not bad."

"It Seems they've sorted all their flaws."

"All ships Umbrella formation."

"Umbrella formation?"

"Offensive and Defensive formation it's completely perfect."

"Aren't we going to attack?"

"In Time Admiral i want them to try and contemplate, why me with the bigger force uses a tactic always used in a smaller force."

"Oh."

On the Liberty.

"What the hell are they doing!!!!"

"Ensign, please refrain from saying things like that."

"They're moving into a Formation I don't Recognise Commodore."

"General have a look."

"That's interesting."

"Explain."

"Ever heard of the ancient Phalanx?"

"I have." a few said.

"I believe he is using one of their formations."

"So."

"It's an Offensive and Defensive formation. It's also unbeatable but..."

"But?"

"Oddly enough it's always used when you have the smaller force and draw forces from the bigger force into the trap."

On The Kadins fist.

"Times up all ships open fire."

On the Liberty.

"ALL SHIPS BREAK FORMATION NOW."

"Do it."

Half the fleet didn't make their way out in time.

"Damn them. They've turned it into a gaping maw of firepower."

"At least we know why they used it."

"Yeah but there is still no counter or flaw in that formation."

"All ships use their own formation against them."

On the Kadins Fist.

"Oh now they're just being copycats."

Evil laughter came from the Dark Lord.

"Unlike the Echani I do know a weakness in this formation."

"My Lord why do we use it then?"

"Because we have the bigger fleet." He said simply.

"Oh I get it, Um no I don't."

"Don't worry I was going to explain as soon as I calmed down. The Weakness is simple if 2 fleets use it the one with the bigger fleet wins. Put him on audio."

On the Liberty.

"Commodore, Kadin wants to talk."

"Put him on." He turned to face the projector.

"Audio Only."

"Fine."

"Commodore nice tactic."

"Thanks I learn from studying you."

"Well I know something you and the Echani don't."

"What's that?"

"The Weakness of that formation."

The whole bridge went pale.

"IT'S FLAWLESS!!!"

"It's a simple weakness. the Weakness that ended the Phalanx."

The Bridge went paler some even fainted.

"'A Traitor was found but not before telling the enemy the formation to beat the formation.'"

"The Weakness is the Formation itself."

"I hate riddles."

The Commodore had figured it out.

"You knew, YOU KNEW WE'D COPY YOUR FORMATION!!!"

"Indeed. Don't keep your crew waiting too long Commodore mine already know."

"What's the Weakness?"

"It's a simple one as he says. it's not another formation as we thought, it's the same formation."

The General Figured it out.

"The weakness is that one with the bigger force would win out if both sides used the formation."

The Sith Crew Cheered him figuring it out.

"Commodore."

"Cut the channel."

"Commodore the transports report they can't jump to hyperspace."

"Damn Interdictors. How many?"

"Every ship except the Flagship and 2 other ships."

"Hold on if only 3 are warships why not attack?"

"Because the Interdictors have weapons of their own."

"They're Destroyers basically."

"Lovely."

"You mean to tell me that 1197 ships out there are Interdictors!!!!"

"All armed to the teeth."

"I would call the Kadins Fist a Battle Cruiser or a dreadnought."

"All the transports have gone back to the Planet." (A/N Not very tactically sound but the Sith won't let them leave they'd snap the interdictor field back on the second a transport left the surface.)

"Inform Darth Kadin that we're leaving."

"WHAT!!!" The Echani Roared.

"You have other colonies right?"

"Yes I guess."

"I don't like it but it has to be this way."

"I'd Rather stay and die than retreat. 'He who runs lives to run away again.'"

"I prefer 'He who runs lives to fight again another day.'"

"Good point."

On the Kadins Fist.

"The Republic is retreating is it? Let them go."

"Yes My Lord."

The Republic fleet leave.

"Lock all poison missiles on the planet move all ships into position fire when ready."

The planet is almost cleansed of life.

"Hmm some survived. No matter fire all other weapons on the surface till I say to stop."

On the planet.

"Damn them first they poison us now they bomb us." (A/N one of the voices you'll read that is is important.)

"Yeah." (A/N this one.)

On the Kadins fist.

"For forces sake. Cease fire."

The Fleet does.

"Launch all bombers bomb every manmade structure for survivors."

On the planet.

"Now that's better."

An explosion sounded on the other end of the transmission line. now it was static only.

"Damn it they've sent bombers. They want no survivors."

The bombers miss his shelter by inches.

On the ship.

"Oh Come on die already you last piece of filthy life."

"My Lord I don't think any life is left."

"Tell the bomber's there is one person left who has escaped everything we've done."

"My Lord..."

"He isn't the only one that can sense it Admiral."

"Bomb area 125 completely Bombers."

On the Planet.

"Lovely. Now all the bombers are heading here."

On the Ship.

"DIE YOU STUPID PIECE OF FILTH!!!!"

"My lord all bombers are returning to rearm."

On the planet.

"Phew. uh oh it looks like they're only returning to rearm and refuel."

On the Ship.

"Tell the bombers to stay."

"My Lord?"

"Bring me that person now."

"But why?"

"I WILL MAKE SURE HE OR SHE DIES!!! BY KILLING HIM OR HER MYSELF!!!"

On the Planet.

"Good it seems they won't return. What the?"

"Your coming with us."

"Oh well so much for avoiding them."

On the Ship.

"Excellent."

"Get off me you stupid droids."

He feels a grip on his throat.

"Piece of advice Don't insult my droids."

The grip is released.

"Great I'm on the Dark Lord of the Siths ship."

"Ahh I see I am known."

"Yeah the Echani were listening to every word you said."

"Well Echani. you are a pain. You know that?"

"By avoiding 3 types of killing multiple times?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm hard to kill."

"Not now. I've decided to kill you myself."

The Echani went pale but tried a new tactic.

"But I'm Force sensitive."

"Master that would explain how he avoided the blasts."

"Hmm. You think you could be a Dark Jedi do you?"

"Anything to stay alive."

"Name?"

"Jerec."

"Well Jerec becoming a Dark Jedi in our organization isn't just a thing you take lightly It's permanent."

"Permanent?"

"Indeed our ways to become one cannot ever be reversed."

"Understood My Lord."

"Take him to Malachor for training."

Darth Kadin Turned to the front of the ship to look at the planet he just bombed into uninhabited.

"Helm, return us to our space let us prepare for the war we just declared."

End of Chapter 8.

So war has been declared by bombing the planets life into nothing. We won't be seeing any war till the chapter after next though the next chapter will be short Don't hate me you've just read a big one. The next one's just to get the Republic's reaction in.

Chapter 9.

On Coruscant.

"...and That is what happened over the Echani planet. When we returned there was nothing left it will need to be re-terraformed. After the radiation is gone of course."

"How?"

"Radiation levels suggest they Poison missiled it, then Bombarded it from orbit and then bombed it with Bombers."

"A thourough way to wipe out a planets entire population."

"It's Overkill more like."

"But effective."

"Why didn't they do that to Onderon then?"

"Because Onderon itself wasn't the target. It's shipyards were."

"Explain."

"Ok Let's look at it: Onderon's Shipyards, Echani center of goverment, what else would they hit? What else was important during the Republic's victorys against the Pirates?"

"Your not serious!!!"

"I am they're taking the Republic apart piece by piece."

"Caridia will be they're next target since it's an army training base or perhaps Kuat for our Capital ship construction yards."

"Move half the fleet each to those locations. Commodore you have Kuat."

"Understood Chancelor."

"Commodore if your wrong."

"I won't be Sir he's too smart to leave either of those two standing."

End of Chapter 9

Give you one guess where Darth Kadin will attack. comment on here your guess.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-29-2007, 02:11 AM   #15
Bee Hoon
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Never mind the Pirate War then:P Well, as to the Jedi part, they may not have been in a war, but as peacekeepers, it's inevitable that they get into scraps, so to speak. And

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Rhodes
Shots rang out and all the mercs were dead within minutes.
Yep, pretty darn killed, I'd say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Rhodes
The part on the Flagship. because frankly it's what was rumoured to be Admiral Dodana's Ship in the Battle of the Star Forge. Besides there will be more encounters between the 2 of them.
Nyeh? I don't get it.

I'm old enough to be fussy about grammar and spelling

Try to get more into her emotion. I'm sure there would have been some kind of turmoil, as opposed to her fall being so...matter of fact.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:01 AM   #16
Wedge Suron
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Maybe you should look at the wording of my answer.

Who said John killed them

Still no answer to comment your guess on the answer?




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:10 AM   #17
Wedge Suron
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Next 2 chapters I'm taking a while off to make the Cliffhanger at the end scare you a bit

Chapter 10.

Kuat is the Biggest Shipyard in Republic Space.

Commodore John Sarisa stands on the bridge of the Liberty watching the Fleet patrol.

"Time since we arrived?"

"3 hours. or ten minutes since the last time you asked sir."

"What of Caridia?"

"Nothing but reports coming from there."

"Is he coming today or another day I wonder."

"Sir?"

"When I suggested this I didn't think he would attack straight away but maybe..."

On the Bridge of the Kadin's Fist orbiting the now lifeless Dantooine.

"Hmm no Fleet to protect the site of one of the most important Jedi Enclaves that's odd. Take us back to our space."

"My Lord not everyone knew there was an Enclave here."

"Indeed did our Assassins get any holocrons My Apprentice?"

"Only Stories Master they checked the Sublevel as well."

On the Liberty.

Alarms are blaring.

"Commodore we're picking up a distress call from Dantooine."

"Put it on."

"It's Automated sir."

Just then a Jedi Master ran in.

"Report."

"Master K'Reiza do you know anything about Dantooine?"

"There's a Jedi Enclave there why?"

"YOU DIDN'T THINK TO MENTION THAT!!! WHY?"

"It's not important for the Republic to know where every Jedi Enclave is."

"IT IS IN A WAR AGAINST THE SITH!!!!"

"Fine. Why did you ask?"

"Ensign would you care to inform the good Jedi Master."

"We picked up a distress call from Dantooine. It was Automated."

The Jedi Masters Features went pale.

"Oh."

"The Senate will want to know why we left an important planet to the Jedi defenseless."

"We tell the truth. The Jedi didn't care to inform us of the Enclave there."

Meanwhile On Malachor.

"My Lord."

"Ahh our newest Dark Jedi. Good Day Jerec."

"My Lord. The Academy's Archives are always locked why is that?"

"The Info in there belongs for The Dark Lord of the Sith's eyes only."

"Huh?"

"Dangerous Holocrons, Ancient Techniques and the like."

"Oh."

On Coruscant in the senate chambers. (A/N This is important to the Storyline they're there instead of the Chancellors office.)

"...You said that they would attack Caridia or Kuat."

"If the Jedi had cared TO TELL ME THERE WAS AN ENCLAVE ON DANTOOINE I WOULD HAVE SPLIT THE FLEET INTO 3."

"The Jedi Council Accepts that maybe keeping that piece of information secret wasn't a good idea."

"The fleet will return to patrols and Guard Duty. However we have good news Commodore please stay."

"Very well."

"I have recently got Sullust and Mon Calamari to join the Republic."

"What has that got to do with me."

"Both worlds have major shipyards. Their shipyard strength is equal to that if not more of Kuat."

The whole room gasped.

"They also have bigger solar systems than Kuat which mean we can have more Capital ships constructed from them."

On the Kadin's Fist. Darth Kadin is watching the Senate meeting.

"Interesting."

In the Senate chambers.

"Alas. The Mon Calamari have informed me that we can't construct our ships there."

General out roar was heard at this.

"However. *the room goes quiet at this.* They have said they will use their own Capital ships alongside ours."

On the Kadin's Fist.

"Hmm we Can't have that. But we could steal their ship design."

He walks onto the bridge.

"Admiral, call Malachor for me."

"Understood My Lord." 5 minutes later. "I'm patching it through to you My Lord."

"Greetings Lord Kadin."

"Master Guan. I have a mission for your Assassins."

"What is the mission My Lord?"

"Steal from the Mon Calamari the designs for their Capital ships. Get Copies of them."

"Yes My Lord."

"Excellent with The Star Forge churning these new ships out we will not be stopped."

End Of chapter 10.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So after 10 chapters we finally find out where the ships are coming from. Did anyone figure it out?

Chapter 11

On Mon Calamari.

"The Republic needs us to get our fleet into theirs as soon as possible Admiral."

"Understood Mr President."

The Transmission was cut.

"Greetings President Ackbar." (A/N An ancestor of Admiral Ackbar."

"Who said that?"

4 Sith Assassins appeared out of thin air with A Dark Jedi leading them.

"Uh oh. Is it impossible to hope your a Jedi Knight?"

"It is."

"Kill me then."

"Oh no that's not what we want."

"What do you want then?"

"Either Mon Calamari to stay out of the war..."

"Never."

"Or give us copies of the plans of your Capital Ships... Which our Lord would prefer."

"Your insane."

"Those are the choices here."

"Fair point."

The President gets them out and copies them hands the copies to the Dark Jedi and puts the originals back.

"Also don't tell the Republic till asked... or we will bomb you with your own weapons."

With that they dissapeared.

'As the Humans say God help us' The President thought as he walked back to the window. 'Why only copies I wonder. To see how they're version fared against ours?'

On the Kadin's Fist sitting in an Unknown System with A massive structure behind it. (A/N People if you don't know what the structure is your dumb. Also when in the game we didn't see the Star Forge or hear about it till we found the Star Map so don't have a go at me.)

"So the Mon Calamari don't have much of an imagination for names." Darth Kadin said while looking at the plans for a 'Mon Calamari Star Cruiser.' "No matter it's New name will be 'The Republics Worst Nightmare.' (A/N Ok I don't know which is better ok It's not my POV here It's his. also it won't stay.) I wonder what the Commodore will say."

Making a few modifications he placed 100 to be made on the second Capital ship construction bay. The first he put a new class he had thought up the other day Star Destroyer. (A/N People be nice it's his idea in his POV.)

"Excellent. With these 2 new classes The Kadins Fist. and the Interdictors we will be unstoppable."

On the Good Old Liberty.

"Hmm."

"Commodore?"

"How is it every time I'm on a Patrol I get this ship?"

"Aye sir whatever you think."

"Sir..."

"What is it Ensign."

"The Kadin's Fist just dropped out of Hyperspace alone."

"Now that's plain stupid."

"Saying that that ship is probably their most powerful ship."

"Good point. Block their scans."

"Their not doing any."

The Commodore snapped around.

"WHAT!!!"

"It's almost as if they know about the New ships."

"I know I'm not being very helpful by saying this but I have a bad feeling about this. Get me him on audio."

On the Kadin's fist.

"Put him on."

Liberty.

"Commodore how are you, still got your little Ship there I see."

"Still got that beast of a ship I see. Kadin." (A/N Typical banter. modification of the stand off between Kozara and Bateson in the Star Trek book Ship of the Line.)

"Dare to pelter her shields Commodore?"

"Mute. Don't worry he won't attack if he meant to do battle he would have come with more ships Resume Audio."

"Ahh Commodore keeping your Crew calm huh."

"Yeah Kadin do your crew need to be kept calm?"

Static. Or was it? No it was laughter. it calmed down eventually.

"Did that answer your question Commodore?"

"Indeed. Cut audio. *Cut* THAT CHEEKY LITTLE CHARRAK!!!"

"He's gone."

"Return us to patrol."

Darth Kadin hadn't gone far though.

On the Kadins Fist leading 1999 Interdictors were on their way to a Fleet with mostly Green crews.

On the Freedom. *Hammerhead.*

Admiral Darety (A/N pronounced Dar-i-ty.) was on a patrol of the Republic Mid Rim border.

"None of the new Mon Calamari ships damn them."

His fleet had recently got an infusion of new ships.

"New Ships Green Crews." He Muttered.

"Admiral if I may say..."

Alarms start Blazing.

"Great some action."

"Admiral it's a Sith fleet... FOLLOWED BY THE KADIN'S FIST!!!!"

On the Liberty.

Alarms start Blazing Making the Commodore jump.

"Oh for gods sake am I going to have a break."

He walks onto the Bridge.

"If this is another visit from his Dark Lordship it can wait till tomorrow."

"Commodore it's a visit but not to us. He's attacking."

"Battle Stations. change course to wherever it is."

At the battle.

"Admiral the Liberty's fleet has arrived... With Mon Calamari ships."

"Very well Form up with them."

On the Liberty.

"All ships have formed up."

"Commodore hundreds more Sith ships have been reported, at Caridia, Kuat, Sullust and Mon Calamari."

"Good Lord."

"It's an Invasion." The Commodore said Echoing the thoughts of the Bridge crew.

End of Chapter.

Well people now THAT!!!! is a cliffhanger.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

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Old 08-29-2007, 06:04 AM   #18
Wedge Suron
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While your getting scared on the Cliffhanger I'm going to work on more chapters.

*Edit*

Sorry I have cut entire dialogue out today. please people that have read it already re-read it.

I changed the idea of the incident.

Also to anyone that has an argument on the abilities of John.

It's my Fanfic so I can twist the Star Wars rules however I want in it as long as I don't break them.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones

Last edited by Wedge Suron; 08-29-2007 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 08-30-2007, 01:52 AM   #19
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Don't you think with 4 comments it's a bit presumptuous to be trying to generate buzz for your fic? If people like it the hype will take care of itself. Creating cliffhangers or trying to spread the word isn't going to change that.


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Old 08-30-2007, 01:57 AM   #20
Wedge Suron
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I was being a Kind author by saying people that read it before the changes since I changed it




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-30-2007, 08:42 AM   #21
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Here's the next 2 chapters I rather feel sorry for the Republic.

Ok I'm cruel it was only a simulation hence the lack of the new ships in the fleet attacking. Also sorry for people that had already read it when it did have the new ships. I decided the Republic wasn't ready for a Full scale invasion. Here the Republic wants to end the war. *note* this one isn't a simulation.

Chapter 12.

The Kadin's Fist sits with it's shields down.

On the Bridge

"My Lord the Republic has arrived."

"Good. Keep the shields down."

"My Lord?"

"I let them know I was here."

Kadin walks to the Dark Jedi gathered waiting.

"All of you are the worst Lot Guan had to offer. But you are still strong. A Jedi Strike team will no doubt board the ship."

"What are our orders My Lord."

"I Sense the team will be big. Thin them out."

"Understood my lord."

"Dismissed."

"Yes My Lord."

"Send the Troops into position."

"Aye Sir."

On the Liberty.

"Master K'Reiza be on guard and May the Force be with you."

The strike team of 200 men and 30 Jedi left the bridge.

"Commodore?"

"Yes Captain."

"Why such a big force?"

"Kadin's no fool."

"But..." The Captain went white.

"Exactly. This is no doubt a trap. He was just sitting there with no shields on."

"But the message..."

"I bet all my credits that it was Kadin."

On the Kadin's Fists Bridge.

"The Jedi have arrived."

On the Hanger deck.

"Ok Soldiers you go first."

"Master I have a bad feeling that we won't come back from this."

"Trust in the Force my young Padawan."

"I do but it's telling me we won't survive this."

"Hmm."

"Master K'Reiza I must say something."

"Go Ahead Sergent."

"The Commodore thinks this is a trap."

"So that's why he sent such a big number of Soldiers with us then."

"First Room secured." A message from the first team.

"My that was fast."

"It was empty Sergent."

"Watch for Sith Assassins."

"Understood Master Jedi."

"Assassins?"

"Kadin's no fool He will have no quarrys for killing any of us in any way possible."

"MASTER JEDI WE NEED HELP!!"

"Let's go."

The Jedi run in to find 10 Dark Jedi in the room.

"They just ran in and killed half the team before we knew what was happening."

"Our Master has given orders to thin your numbers."

"Lovely."

"Attack."

"Master Jedi do not fear we will handle these."

"But..."

All the Dark Jedi are cut down. but with Major casualties.

"We were trained in Melee Combat by the Commodore himself."

"Ok we secure rooms one by one and all together."

"Master Jedi."

"Forget bombing the Beast destroy it with firepower. It's too dangerous to split up again."

"Understood."

On the Bridge.

"Hmm. No matter."

Ten Minutes later 4 Jedi storm the Bridge with 10 Republic soldiers... (A/N That's all that's left.)

To find only technicians and Darth Kadin there.

"Leave the Technicians This ship needs them to run."

4 Dark Jedi appear out of thin air.

"Damnit this place is crawling with Dark Jedi."

The Soldiers kill the Dark Jedi but only have the Sergent left.

"Damn them."

"Sergent leave the..."

"FOR THE REPUBLIC!!!" The Sergent shouted as he charged Darth Kadin... Only to be cut down by Force Lightning From another Dark Jedi that had just appeared.

"Idiot."

"He should have expected that."

"I am the Last Dark Jedi to face before The Dark Lord." (A/N where did I see a situation similar to this before? Oh yeah the battle on Revan's ship.)

"Leave the Jedi Master to me."

"Understood My Lord."

The Jedi were cut down.

"My Lord want's to fight you Jedi good luck your gonna need it. *Evil Laugh.*"

"Well Done Jerec."

"Who was that?"

"The only survivor of the the Echani Homeplanet massacre."

"He's an Echani?"

"An Elite Dark Jedi and the Apprentice to the Training Academys Head as well."

"An Elite Dark Jedi? Lovely."

"So Jedi ready to become one with the Force?"

Darth Kadin's Red blade snapped on.

"Are you ready to die?"

"Always."

The Jedi Master's Purple blade snapped on.

Darth Kadin got into a Form the Jedi Master for the life of him couldn't put his mind to remembering which it was.

"Want to know which form this is?"

"Tell me."

"Form 7."

The Jedi Master went pale.

"Juyo Vaapaad..."

"I'm a Master of Juyo Vaapaad." (A/N After TK102 messed my poll up I can't tell you who was right.)

"That isn't good." the Jedi Master said as he dropped into a Soresu stance.

The Battle began.

Darth Kadin force jumps and pounds the Jedi Master's Defenses.

"You will tire out Jedi and then you will die."

The Jedi Masters arm is cut off

"Damn you."

"Join me Jedi and you will live."

"I swear loyalty." (A/N He's lying and Darth Kadin knows it.)

"You lie Jedi."

"Damn."

"However, you will be a Dark Jedi."

"Jerec take him to Malachor 5."

The Jedi went pale.

"What's there?"

"Our Academy."

"I will tell the Republic you know."

"Oh no you won't. Because when you leave there you won't want to be a Jedi anymore or serve the Republic."

Darth Kadin laughs his insane evil laugh.

"Malachor isn't just our academy it's our Jedi turning place."

Master K'Reiza went pale.

"It's Rich with the Dark Side. The second you taste it's Dark Side aura you will be forever turned to the Dark Side. Take him away to the brig and snap some Force blocking cuffs on him."

As soon as they left.

"Set Course for Malachor."

On the Liberty.

"What!!!"

"Incoming message: 'Nice try Commodore.'" Said a very pale Ensign as they saw the Kadin's Fist leaving.

'Damn' The Commodore thought.

"200 Elite Soldiers and 30 Jedi couldn't stop him."

"Indeed Captain, the question is: What can?"

End of Chapter 12

So with all but the Jedi Master dead it's a nightmare end for the Republic and the Jedi. Since they think none survived. John is right though if 200 Elite Soldiers trained by the Commodore himself to fight Dark Jedi and 30 Jedi can't Stop Darth Kadin what can? Master Vandar of course could have a chance. If he's anything like Yoda in AOTC and ROTS. *Note* That could be a Spoiler for the final Chapter. So Darth Kadin's a Master of Juyo Vaapaad. that could spell doom for the Republic. Anyone don't know why. Look Form 7 up in Wikipedia. It's Mace Windu's lightsaber form originally I had it just as Juyo but doesn't matter having it as both makes him more dangerous... Although I don't know why it would make much difference He's dangerous with the power of Malachor running through him.

Chapter 13.

On Coruscant in the Jedi High Council chambers.

"...The Assualt on the Sith Flagship failed."

"Damn."

"We don't think there was any survivors."

"I sensed all but one of the Strike Team become one with the Force Commodore... the last ones connection was blocked."

"Which means they're going to convert him."

"He would rather die than turn."

"So would everyone else Kadin's captured... yet they have all turned."

In the Kadin's Fist's Brig.

"Jedi."

"Kadin."

"That's Lord Kadin to you."

"I am a Jedi."

"Show me respect on my ship."

"In your dreams."

"You will call me Lord. Soon."

On the Liberty with it's fleet about to jump to Tatooine.

"Commodore do you think this is a good idea?"

"Where else in the Galaxy would you find information. Besides the Sith wouldn't bomb it That would be suicidal."

"Huh?"

"My theory is that the Hutts are funding the Sith's war effort." (A/N Oh how wrong he is. On both points.)

When the fleet arrived.

"Good lord..."

Tatooine sits lifeless having been bombed.

"That throws that idea out the window."

End of chapter 13.

Now people comment. If anyone wondered when they bombed Tatooine. it happened during the Assualt on the Kadin's Fist. Did you wonder why Hannah wasn't there?




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 08-30-2007, 11:03 AM   #22
Wedge Suron
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Ok people I've got a teaser for the Chapter 14 here to wet your appetite.

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"So battle it is." Vandar said as he snapped his Green Lightsaber on.

"Vandar you are getting a treat here."

"Why?"

Vandar realized that Kadin was removing his Robes.

"Umm is that sensible?"

"Don't worry these are only robes to wear over my normal ones. To think I beat K'Reiza with them on despite the fact they are weighted."
Don't forget comment away For the sooner I see a Comment the sooner the Duel between Vandar and Kadin is shown. That isn't the final chapter however.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
The Mandalorians - The Chosen Ones
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Old 09-03-2007, 05:00 PM   #23
Jae Onasi
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Paul, you've got an interesting start on a story and I can sense some of the excitement involved in this story. There are some things I'd like you to change a bit to make it easier for us readers. I'm having a lot of difficulty with the staccato dialog and description. I can't figure out who's talking because you're not using any dialog tags to identify the speaker, such as 'he said' or 'John asked' or 'the Admiral shouted', etc. You know who's talking, but we don't, and it's not always immediately obvious.

I'd like to see you flesh out some of the description more, too. That breaks up a long series of dialog and makes the whole story more interesting. The more description you provide, the better we can see what it is you're picturing. Read some of machievelli's fics to see great examples of using dialog tags and more description--try to incorporate some of those into your fics and I think you'll be pleased with the results.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

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Old 09-08-2007, 03:44 AM   #24
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i apologize if this seems harsh ahead of time.i'm not usually critical but i feel it is VERY necessary here. The script writing is very difficult.It feels like your telling the reader what to feel and think instead of guiding them through your story and letting them make up their own minds.I can't fault cliffhangers , I do them myself but is it really necessary for the added teasers at the end. Their okay for TV but fanfics? Your story is interesting but you make it about you not the characters. You can still add your personal style ( read Jane Austen ,she's the best in showing her 2 cents but not taking it away from the characters). This can be really promising if you can detach yourself from it.I agree with Bee & Jae , read some of mach's fanfics they can be very inspiring. I also agree with Devon on his comments. The best hype for a fanfic is great writing not gimmicks.


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Old 06-25-2008, 09:24 PM   #25
Jae Onasi
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Closed per author's request. Darth Scorpius, please feel free to PM me if you want to re-open it at any time.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
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Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

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