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Old 09-02-2007, 03:27 PM   #1
Diego Varen
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[Fic] He Who Wins

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Star Wars
Entry Four - He Who Wins
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Summary: What if Obi-Wan Kenobi had been defeated by Darth Maul, instead of Qui-Gon Jinn?

Disclaimer: This is a work of Fan Fiction and it isn’t intended to violate any copyright laws or make any money. LucasArts own the Star Wars series and I own nothing, except the plot and any original characters that make an appearance.

Author’s Note: This month’s topic, the Great Fall, inspired me to write an AU piece, which simulates a different situation where Obi-Wan Kenobi was killed, instead of Qui-Gon Jinn in the final battle(s). As much as I like Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon was my favourite character in TPM and perhaps one of the most complex characters written. While he isn’t evil, he isn’t exactly good neither. I think that had Obi-Wan had died instead, the maverick Jedi Master would be more venerable of falling to the dark side, then Obi-Wan would. The entry title was inspired by the Doctor Who episode (The Five Doctors) were Jon’s Pertwee’s Third Doctor stated, “To lose is to win and he who wins shall lose.” Please review and enjoy!

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Standing behind one single plasma shield, he felt useless. The Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, watched helplessly as his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi was left fighting the Sith Warrior.

As Qui-Gon continued to watch the duel in front of him, he wondered if Obi-Wan stood any chance of surviving the duel. The Sith Warrior was skilled in his attack and he was always on the offensive, while Obi-Wan had been forced to stay on the defensive.

The fight continued and Obi-Wan had managed to stay focused, parrying every single attack the Sith Warrior attempted on the young Jedi. Despite the strength of the Sith Warrior, Qui-Gon knew that if Obi-Wan managed to stand his ground, than the opponent would eventually tire himself out.

Unexpectedly, the Sith Warrior used the hilt of his double-bladed lightsaber to knock Obi-Wan backwards and swiftly stabbed him in his abdomen.

“No!” Qui-Gon shouted out.

The hissing sound of the double-bladed lightsaber was silenced, as the Sith Warrior pulled it out of Obi-Wan’s stomach. Obi-Wan fell to the floor and Qui-Gon looked up angrily at the Sith Warrior.

Why did Obi-Wan have to die in this battle? He was so close to becoming a Jedi Knight and his opportunity of becoming one had been cut short. Why did Qui-Gon seem to have bad luck with his apprentices? He had been a bit worried about taking Obi-Wan on, after his successes and failures with his previous apprentices, but their relationship together had proved his thoughts about Obi-Wan wrong.

Another thought entered Qui-Gon’s mind. What if he had fought the Sith Warrior, instead of Obi-Wan? Would fate still be the same? Would Qui-Gon be lying on the floor, instead of Obi-Wan?

Anger rose within Qui-Gon and he knew that he shouldn’t be angry, but the death of Obi-Wan angered him just as much as when his one true love had been killed.

The plasma shields disabled themselves again and Qui-Gon immediately ran forward, igniting his lightsaber and attacking the Sith Warrior in front of him. The Sith Warrior blocked all of Qui-Gon’s moves, which were a lot stronger than before, due to the anger that boiled within him.

Sparks of little white light bounced off the lightsaber blades, as Qui-Gon managed to get several attacks on the Sith Warrior. Qui-Gon could feel the anger within the Sith Warrior rising as well and his attacks were becoming stronger and stronger, with each attack.

Suddenly, Qui-Gon’s lightsaber was destroyed, when the Sith Warrior managed to cut the lightsaber. Quickly, Qui-Gon used the Force to pull his apprentice’s lightsaber towards him. As soon as the lightsaber was touched, Qui-Gon ignited it and its blue blade parried the twin red blades of the double-bladed lightsaber. Qui-Gon could see the hate in the Sith Warrior’s eyes and he could hear him gritting his teeth angrily, as the two of them were held in a deep lightsaber lock.

Behind the Sith Warrior, Qui-Gon noticed a hole. This hole was obviously part of the Naboo Core and if anyone were to fall down there, there was a very low chance of survival.

Qui-Gon smiled grimly, as he broke out of the lightsaber lock and he quickly stabbed the Sith Warrior in the stomach. Surprised, the Sith Warrior gasped loudly, as Qui-Gon pulled the lightsaber from his body and kicked him towards the Naboo Core. Qui-Gon walked over to the core and watched the Sith Warrior’s body descending through the wide Naboo Core.

Switched off the lightsaber, Qui-Gon ran over towards Obi-Wan and lifted him off the cold metal floor.

“Mas… master…” Obi-Wan stuttered, “It’s too late.”

“Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon interrupted softly, “It’s never too late. We’ve been through worse.”

“Have we?” Obi-Wan asked, “But I won’t…. survive this. My time is… over.”

A single tear fell from Qui-Gon’s eye as he listened to Obi-Wan.

“Take Anakin,” Obi-Wan continued, “Train him. He requires your attention now. Goodbye master.”

And with those words, Obi-Wan’s eyes closed and there was nothing left. He had died, as a valiant young Jedi Knight, in the biggest battle in his life. Qui-Gon picked Obi-Wan’s lifeless body up and walked away forever.

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The battle for Naboo seemed to have been successful. The plans the Viceroy of the Trade Federation had had been foiled, the battle droids defeated and the Sith Warrior of course, had been defeated.

Qui-Gon knew, however that there was always another Sith, out there in the galaxy. Somewhere, another of the Sith was waiting in the shadows, preparing for the time to show themselves to the Jedi.

And as the recently elected chancellor, Palpatine, congratulated Qui-Gon, Anakin and the Queen of Naboo, Amidala for their bravery, Qui-Gon didn’t really care. He regretted the last battle with the Sith Warrior and he had recently talked to the Jedi Masters about training Anakin.

It was not to be. The Jedi Masters had refused to train Anakin. Qui-Gon knew at that moment that the ways of the Jedi were flawed and he knew that he could do better, if he left the order. And he did. Telling Anakin without any questioning, he and Anakin left, where the Chosen One could be trained in secret, away from the eyes of the order and Anakin would become stronger as the years passed.

Under the watchful eyes of Qui-Gon and a strange man known as Sidious.

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The End
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:45 AM   #2
Bee Hoon
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First of all, venerable means revered, so I presume you meant vulnerable It's interesting, but I feel that Qui-Gon would not have repeated in the same way that Obi-Wan had. Things seem to happen rather abruptly, so some more descriptions of the action would be nice. For example, how did Darth Maul destroy his lightsaber? Why was he suddenly able to break through Maul's guard?

In addition to that, the big gaping pit in the floor is hardly discreet. A Jedi in battle would definitely be more aware of his environment, and not notice it halfway through. Obi-Wan was also against training Anakin, if I'm not wrong, though Qui-Gon would have trained him anyway.

It's also worth noting that he did not really "fall", as he may have lost control of his anger momentarily, but that does not equate falling to the dark side in abolute terms.

Nevertheless, it's a good try, and your writing is improving steadily. There's much more detail about the characters and their thoughts, which is great! Just keep writing!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 09-15-2007, 01:18 AM   #3
Diego Varen
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Thanks Bee Hoon. In a way, it isn't my best written entry, but Qui-Gon is an interesting character for me and he has more risk of falling to the dark side.

Thanks for the comments and I know that I can blame my Writer's Block for what this Fic could've been.
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Old 09-15-2007, 09:08 AM   #4
igyman
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Well, I have to say that your style has improved significantly, but you still seem to be unable to get rid of the parts that spoil the story, the parts I'm talking about are in your descriptions, when sometimes you emphasize the obvious in a very blunt way. For example, where you wrote ''The Sith Warrior blocked all of Qui-Gon’s moves, which were a lot stronger than before, due to the anger that boiled within him'', you should have tried putting something like ''Qui-Gon rushed at the Sith Warrior, his moves strengthened by his anger, his swings more precise, but the Sith still managed to block them.''

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Old 09-15-2007, 10:54 PM   #5
Tysyacha
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Before and while reading this fic, I went to YouTube and brought up a video of "Battle of the Heroes" (even though the Sith Warrior was no hero) as background music. The music definitely put me in the mood for the story, and I enjoyed it very much.

That said, I wonder if you could have inserted Darth Maul's name in a few places instead of always referring to him as the "Sith Warrior". If not, you could have called him "the dark one", "the enraged Zabrak", and so forth. Also, why didn't Darth Maul try to force Qui-gon Jinn into the pit of the Naboo Core? That would have made an interesting challenge, requiring reflexes and dexterity instead of just brute force.

Another tip: I could definitely see the battle in my mind, but I couldn't feel the heat or cold roiling off of the environment, smell the sweat of the combatants, feel their fear or anger quite as much as I could, or sense my muscles tense as theirs did. More visceral and vivid descriptions would do you well in your writing, and I look forward to more of it! (I also liked Qui-gon a bit more than I did Obi-wan). My honest score: 6/10
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Old 09-16-2007, 01:16 PM   #6
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The spelling, grammar and punctuation are all for the most part correct and in their right places. However, this story lacks any linguistic nuance, the events are barely manipulated, and in truth, I found the story rather uninteresting.

3/10.



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Old 09-17-2007, 08:17 PM   #7
Emperor Devon
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Your writing style is improving and the spelling/grammar is fine, but it still feels very technical and you're describing things in a rigid manner. I think what you really need to do is make your descriptions more fluid (such not using the same name twice in a sentence and using more commas). Really, if you did those things I think it could improve your writing tremendously.

For example, changing "Surprised, the Sith Warrior gasped loudly, as Qui-Gon pulled the lightsaber from his body and kicked him towards the Naboo Core. Qui-Gon walked over to the core and watched the Sith Warrior’s body descending through the wide Naboo Core," could rephrased as "Darth Maul gasped in shock at the sight of the lightsaber protruding through his stomach. Qui-Gon grimly pulled it out as he landed on kick on Maul, sending his body hurtling into the core of the planet."

Edit:
I mean, "as he landed a kick on Maul." Don't take my advice on that part.


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Originally Posted by Sabretooth
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Last edited by Jae Onasi; 09-23-2007 at 01:35 PM. Reason: fixed double post since editing feature is disabled in TJC
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Old 09-23-2007, 01:42 PM   #8
Jae Onasi
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Grammar and spelling is better, and you're using more variety in sentence length and complexity. I've also noted a wider vocabulary, which makes things more interesting.

Try reading your fic out loud (rather than just to yourself) to catch things like this:
Quote:
Anger rose within Qui-Gon and he knew that he shouldn’t be angry, but the death of Obi-Wan angered him
You use a variant of the word anger 3 times in this sentence. Using a synonym for anger (which you can find on thesaurus.com) and rewording the sentence so that you didn't have to use it 3 times would have made that better.
The battle scenes are still a little stilted and stiff, and here it felt like you skipped describing some of the things during the fight so that you could get to what you felt were the more important parts.

Qui-gon was one of my favorites, and I just hated the fact that he was killed. Lucas could have kept him alive and done so much more with his character, and it was interesting to see what you did with him.


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Old 10-22-2007, 11:51 PM   #9
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You write stuff like I remember: Great.


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