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Old 10-23-2007, 08:49 PM   #1
Darth Stephanie
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[Fic] Mistakes

“Angelica.... Angelica.... ANGELLICA RAVEN! GET IN THIS ROOM!” Her mother roared as the little toddler ran around naked giggling.
“NO! ASHI! ASHI!” Angelica Raven yelled back as she ran around. The little girl that wasn’t supposed to survive to adulthood seemed to be doing just fine, even if her mother couldn’t reign the terrible two year old in.
From day one the entire family let the little girl walk allover them. From watching Wrestling on the Holonet, to eating cookies before dinner, no one could control the girl. She threw temper tantrums if she had to share her toys, and threw a hissy fit once when the cook slapped her hand.
Her mother was getting tired, and only hoped that this would pass like everything else. It didn’t. She only got worse. As time passed by, she turned into a rotten brat that basically had everything, but wanted more. Her mother finally had enough, and flew her to her grandparents’ summerhouse, where the young girl lived untill her father showed up and took her off to the Jedi.
Even the Jedi were amazed at the girl’s attitude. She never picked up anything, she wouldn’t eat the food there, and she threw fits when someone would yell at her. Finally, the Jedi were convinced that there was no way this girl would ever act like a proper Jedi, until the day Kavar showed up. He exerted a patience that many thought impossible with Angelica. He let Angelica be herself untill she learned to pick up her stuff, and to eat what was given to her.
Life improved greatly and Angelica grew into a young woman, spirited and free. Kavar still laughed as she practiced her meditation arts, often-falling flat on her rear end, He had to, Angelica was always making the counsel members laugh with her antics. The younglings all loved it when she’d tuck them in and tell about her home planet, even though she seemed quite homesick for the plains and seas of her home. She longed to step outside and admire Lake Miniata, or walk along the shores of the Brotan Ocean with her sisters. When she’d return to her room she’d collapse into the bed and cry. Something in her ached to be free of these chains she wore, something needed to be done, and for once she wasn’t sure she’d made the right choice. Angelica packed what she owned into a small bag and left on the next tramp freighter for Dantooine, never again to see the hallowed halls of the Jedi Temple. Dantooine seemed to calm her down, but her heart lies elsewhere, so she took Jedi with her to war. Most turned to the Dark side, following her and Saul and Malak to the brink of destruction. When she did return, She was no longer the little Jedi everyone loved.... now she’d become a twisted mockery of her self. Many Jedi fell in the new war, till one day... out of the blue Malak turned on Revan, supposedly killing her. Bastila sustained the force in the dying Dark lord, and the counsel Wiped her mind of all things except the key to finding the “Star Forge.” A common smuggler, finally turned into a Jedi, and something just clicked into place. She fought against the evils of the dark side, and amazingly in the end remained true to the light... a redemption of sorts.

Ecw fans, NEVER forget

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Old 11-01-2007, 04:51 PM   #2
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Well, I get that this story is about the exile. There are some good things in here, like some of the descriptions - those things she longed to see - but the main problem is that it's just too short and the redemption itself is not very detailed. It would have been nice had you described how the Exile felt at some of those crucial moments, maybe even adding some dialog to it.

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Old 11-01-2007, 10:52 PM   #3
Bee Hoon
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Erm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it about Revan? It's a good effort, but there's plenty of room for improvement. First, once we get the impression that she's a terrible toddler, there's really no need to go on into too much detail about it (Btw, you must be dreading the time when your quadruplets start walking. My best wishes to you!). Why was Angelica not supposed to reach adulthood?

Oh yes, please do paragraph your works Double spacing between the paragraphs makes it look much neater, and is great for people with bad eyesight like me. And it's "council" members, not counsel

Try to go into more detail as to why she fell, and how she was redeemed in the end. That having been said, your writing is really improving and do keep practicing!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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