lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Bird in a Cage (title indefinite)
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 12-01-2007, 02:19 PM   #1
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Bird in a Cage (title indefinite)

This is a little project I'm working on. I'm not all too sure if I'm going to progress with it, but I thought I'd share how little much I have with you guys anyway. This is just a preview of the first chapter; if things are looking good I'll go ahead and advance with my story. Anyway, tell me what you guys think! Comments are appreciated!

Chapter One, Preview:

The storm was getting worse; snow was being blown in each direction, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be heard over the fierce howling winds. Things were getting too intense, and Shiana could barely follow her companion through the extreme situation.

“Micael!” she screamed out. “Micael, let’s go back! This is too much!”

No response was heard. Shiana watched as Micael kept advancing, oblivious to Shiana’s plead. Shiana rushed to get closer to her friend, but the acute winds took advantage. The gusts of winds pushed Shiana back, forcing her to the ground... this was all too difficult. Shiana’s limits were already exceeded.

“Micael!” Shiana bellowed again. Micael was barely visible now. Slowly Micael began to vanish, hidden behind the gigantic clutters of snow. Shiana pushed herself up, struggling to beat the violent blizzard. Slowly Shiana progressed forward, hoping to somehow catch up to her companion.

“Micael!” once more she yelled out, and once more there was no reply.

“FREE ME!” a loud, eerie screech called out.

Instantly shivers ran down Shiana’s spine, replacing the numb, cold feeling with fear.

What the hell was that? Puzzled and scared, Shiana looked all around, searching for the source of the creepy caterwaul; yet at the same time, hoping she would bypass it.

“Shiana!” Micael called.

Shiana looked ahead as Micael came racing toward her.

“I thought I lost you!” he said. “Come on, let’s go back.”

Shiana silently agreed, and they both carried on through the blasting winds.



Last edited by KotO[REvan]; 12-08-2007 at 02:17 PM.
KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-01-2007, 06:23 PM   #2
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
good start! I will be reading it.

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-03-2007, 10:17 PM   #3
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Thanks mate ^.^
Comments are appreciated!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-06-2007, 10:55 AM   #4
HappyMojo
Rookie
 
HappyMojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: If you meet a polar bear - Go south
Posts: 116
Actually quite an improvement since the last fic I read from you. I really like the increasing build of tension and excitement in the story.
However, if I may point a few fingers: The dialogue does have a slight coherence problem.
For instance, when Micael calls for Shiana, it would be nice to a sentence or two, describing what he feel, or what he is experiencing, rather then the sudden jump from the strange eerie voice, to his calling.

I would use some other words in some sentences like:
"The storm was getting worse: snow was being blown in each direction, blocking all objects from the eye’s path. The winds howled fiercely, muting all audible noises from the sensitivity of the ear. Things were getting too intense; Shiana could barely follow her companion through the extreme situation."

I think you use a lot of unnecessary words: For instance. "muting all audible noises from the sensitivity of the ear". We know that sound is related to our hearing, so you could cut down the sentence to "muting all audible noises.", leaving out the rest.

I would properly write:
"The storm was getting worse: Snow was being blown in all directions, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be hear over the fierce howling winds. Things were getting too intense. Shiana could barely follow her companion through the harsh and extreme weather."

Well, anyway... it's all point of view :P hehe. Good job, and I'm looking forward for the next part.



Currently working on: [Fic] Honour Bound

Last edited by HappyMojo; 12-06-2007 at 10:59 AM. Reason: Seaguls are in fact angels... did you know that?
HappyMojo is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-08-2007, 02:14 PM   #5
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Ooh, thank you very much HappyMojo! =D
It's great to see you back xD

When I first wrote this I was really, really trying to be descriptive. I guess I overdid it just a little?

Thanks for the help, mate!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-08-2007, 02:55 PM   #6
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
Any more chapters?

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-08-2007, 08:06 PM   #7
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Yes, I'm working on the full chapter now.

I also edited the changes I've made since topic release, (first post) go check it out!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Bird in a Cage (title indefinite)

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:50 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.