One of Thousands
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Kirkwall/The Free Marches
Current Game: Dragon Age II
[Stupid Fic] Ho, Ho, Hanharr!
Author's Note: Hanharr, after many fruitless years of chasing Mira and finding only more anger, frustration, and hate, jumped a freighter bound for Earth and found the perfect job: Shopping Mall Santa Claus!!! Ho, ho, ho!
HANHARR: Rrr-rrr-rrr! (A one-syllable Wookiee rendering of Santa's laugh.)
KID (Clambers onto Hanharr's lap, holding a Christmas list that looks longer than the Constitution): Okay, first I want a Playstation 3, and then I want a Wii, and then I want a Halo 3 game, and then a dog, and then I want...
HANHARR: RRROOARRRRR! (Crumples up KID'S Christmas list. KID stares.)
KID: Yo, St. Nick, what is your prOOOO--(Hanharr tosses him off his lap.)
(Another parent, a little wary, puts her adorable daughter on Santa's lap.)
GIRL (Stares at Hanharr, puzzled.) Santa? Are you a boy or a girl?
HANHARR: (Slaps his furry Wookiee hand over his forehead.) Rrr-rr-r!
(Meanwhile, two very naughty adolescent boys dare each other to...)
PUNK KID: Hey, C. Russ, I dare you to yank his beard off.
PUNK KID #2: You got it! (Takes the GIRL off of Hanharr's lap, pulls his fur.)
(HANHARR stands up and spins the PUNK KID around and around like a sling before sending him sailing into a 12-foot display of Star Wars action figures.)
(Meanwhile, the people at the mall passing by are starting to stare.)
HANHARR: RRMPH! (Thumps back down, smooths down his ruffled chin fur.)
MOM: Oh, my wittle pwecious baby, wet's go see the fuwwy Santa Claus!
BABY: Aaaggh! (Gurgles, seems to like Hanharr's furry 'teddy bear' look).
HANHARR: RR-rr. RR-rr. (Shakes head, willing the MOM not to put the BABY on his lap. Unfortunately for him, the MOM, oblivious to Wookiee body language, does.)
BABY: Gurgle! Phfft! (Sticks out tongue at Hanharr, gives him a wet 'kiss'.)
HANHARR: RRRPH. (Wookiee for "gross", but he soon warms up to the tyke.)
BABY (Squints and smiles, making a loud gaseous noise in nether regions.)
MOM: Uh-oh! Did somebody go big poo-poo in their diaper? (Gigantic smile.)
HANHARR (Sniffs and shrugs.) RRR-rr. RR-mm-mm NN-ggh-RRR. ("Oh, well. Smells just like Nar Shaddaa." Points toward PUNK KID #2, beckons.) RRRR!
PUNK KID #2: Uhhhh....(Scared out of his wits, he tiptoes forward.)
HANHARR: RR-rr GGG-gggh MM-nn-ggh (Pointing and gesturing, he sends the other people at the mall to get about three wet washcloths and a full bar of soap. They all scramble back, and PUNK KID 2 sets to work, taking the BABY'S diaper off and scrubbing away with the lathered rags under HANHARR'S glowering supervision. Once the BABY is clean and in a new diaper, the MOM beams and comes up to Hanharr, taking a digital picture.)
MOM: You're the best Santa ever!
BABY: Aaaagh! (Gurgles, waves goodbye to Hanharr. Hanharr waves back.)
KID: Hey, I've got another list--aaaAAAHH--(Suddenly flies 15 feet into air).
HANHARR: RRR-rr-rr! RRRRR-grrr-RRR-rr! (Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!)