lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: [Fic] Prelude
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 01-14-2008, 02:34 PM   #1
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
[Fic] Prelude

Star Wars: The Mandalorian Wars - Prelude

“The call to war is difficult. It is tempting to go and fight for what you believe in. Why sit back and let your enemies take control of the galaxy? Is it because they are stronger than you? Or is it because you are afraid? A difference can be made, but only with your co-operation and enthusiasm to defeat your enemies. War across the galaxy has begun, yet how was I supposed to know that it would bring and carry such a terrible price.”

Temptation took over in the end and later I found myself, standing alongside fellow Jedi Knights like myself, waiting to hear the speech that the two well-respected Jedi, Revan and his best friend, Malak, had prepared. Over the crowded, claustrophobic room, Revan and Malak stood tall amongst the crowd and the noise soon died down as the speech began.

“It is time, fellow Jedi!” Revan roared over the crowds, “The Jedi Masters have failed to act upon the threat of an attack from the Mandalorian clans! Due to the master’s misinterpretation of the situation, the Republic has struggled to fight back and the Mandalorians are growing stronger with each passing moment. Should we just sit here and watch as the Republic crash and burn?”

Other people began asking themselves that same question and soon, noise began to erupt from the small room. I realised that if the noise began to get too loud, one of the Jedi Masters would hear and put an end to Revan and Malak’s possible future army.

“Silence!” Malak shouted, as the crowd’s discussion ended, “We don’t want to alert our superiors of our plans yet. Revan and I have decided that due to the carelessness of this very organisation, that we and anyone else who would like to help us in this dark time, should stand alongside us now.”

The majority of the crowd began to approach Revan and Malak as they stood beside them. I was one of those people. From what was left of the crowd, they had all dispersed, except for one person. Bastila Shan.

“You can’t do this,” she told us all simply, “The Jedi Masters will find out about this and…”

“Be quiet, Bastila!” Malak snapped, before Revan or anyone else could reply, “You’ve been against us since day one, so why are you here now?”

I thought it was a bit obvious. She was spying on us, waiting to see what Revan and Malak had planned. Perhaps the Jedi Council had suspected the two Jedi all along and as they knew that Bastila was perhaps the most loyal towards them, they didn’t have any reason, why they shouldn’t trust Bastila to find out what was happening.

“You have a choice, Bastila,” Revan spoke over the crowd, “You can either join us, or walk out of here right now. But whatever choice you make, you can’t take it back and you can’t tell the Jedi Masters of your decision.”

Revan was right and everyone knew that he was. For every great decision would create a solution, but every great decision could also create disaster. Either way, the plan that Revan and Malak had could fail at any time, if Bastila were to alert the Jedi Masters of their plans.

Stubborn as she was, Bastila stormed out of the room. None of us were sure what she was going to do now, but we all knew that she wasn’t going to join us in the fight against the Mandalorians.

As Revan cleared the crowds off, I noticed Malak speaking to Revan in a hushed whisper.

“It was her own choice,” I heard him say, “Who needs her, when we have an army to repel those Mandalorians.”

“But an army won’t be good enough to stop them, no matter how many warriors we have or don’t have,” Revan replied, giving a stern direction towards me, as he realised I was overhearing a conversation that was supposed to be confidential, “Only strength will succeed here.”

Those were the last words that I managed to hear, before Revan’s suspicion grew that Malak also turned to glare at me. After that, I left the room, with the other Jedi.

They all stood outside, gossiping amongst themselves, some of them excited, some of them nervous and some of them arrogant enough to claim themselves as the most powerful Jedi in the world. I was all three of these. Excitement flowed through me, nerves rose and arrogance began to kick in.

Revan and Malak walked outside and stood in front of us all. They looked at us all, proud that the majority of the Jedi Order had decided to stand alongside them and that they had all decided to help them fight against a potential threat.

And so the plans had been set into mention. Revan and Malak had assigned us to various tasks and I was giving the honour of being a general, due to my skills, but I wasn’t the only one with an important position in the upcoming war. There were commanders, mechanics and more positions that one person wouldn’t be able to have. It was at this time I realised their faithful leadership and the masses of Jedi that followed them made me realise that a war was going to begin. The Mandalorian Wars had only just begun, but already, the destiny of us all had been written in the stars and only some of us would survive the difficult path ahead.

“The call to war is difficult. The decision that had been made by many Jedi that one day would later become a well-known event across the galaxy. Jedi, Mandalorians, soldiers, scouts, scoundrels, dictators and common people would know of this event for millennia. But could any of us know the impact that this war would forge across the stars? The Mandalorian Wars had only just begun and already, the path to darkness was soon to take place for those who were to participate in the war.”
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-23-2008, 05:47 PM   #2
igyman
Tension!
 
igyman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: White City
Posts: 3,409
Current Game: Trine Enchanted Edition (PC)
Forum Veteran Helpful! Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
This is a huge improvement compared to your earlier fics, when it comes to style. However, as mach usually says in his thread: it needs polishing. I've noticed some grammar mistakes, especially in the last two paragraphs, so keep an eye out for those.
Overall, pretty good.

igyman is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-23-2008, 06:34 PM   #3
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
I agree with igyman that this is a nice job and could use a bit of polish. I liked how you played upon the vision that we see in TSL about the day Revan and Malak convinced most of the Jedi to follow them to war. I especially like how you have Bastilla march in and say that it was a bad idea. What could have made it work better is that instead of having her march out in a huff, she would have continued to plead with Revan and argue the case for the Masters. It would suit more to her character. Other than what igyman mentioned it was a good read.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-24-2008, 02:55 AM   #4
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for the comments both. I will take your comments into consideration.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-25-2008, 10:28 AM   #5
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
igyman and JM12 have pretty much covered everything that needs to be said. There's also some word choice errors, but other than those (which are easily fixed), your hiatus seems to have done you good Keep writing! You're improving by leaps and bounds!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-27-2008, 02:13 PM   #6
Writer
Not switching to DTV
 
Writer's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: just past the pot o' gold
Posts: 7,439
Current Game: TrackMania Nations
Roleplayer Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I find myself wondering... if the Masters had discovered Revan and Malak in this recruiting drive, what would they have done? Based on the games, I don't think there'd have been much more than scolding words, stern reprimands, and orders to stand down. Maybe threats of exile... but overall, nothing. In light of that, I'm not sure Revan and Malak would have been so concerned with the chance of the Masters hearing them.

I'll agree with the others; your writing has certainly improved. It's well written, though it feels like you wrote certain things because that's the way you wanted them to go, not necessarily because that's how the characters would have reacted.

But nothing made me cringe, so that's good. Overall, not a bad piece of work.


Mom tells me I need brain food... but if writing ain't that, I don't know what is!

My work in progress:
Hidden Histories: The Galaxy Hacker

Have a read, give a review, yah?
Writer is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > [Fic] Prelude

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:35 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.